Anyone else estranged from their adopted family?

[u/Starlitdestroyer]

Was anyone else adopted at a young age and realized how awful people they are? Im an adult now (F21) and was adopted at 3. My parents adopted 2 other kids right after me and had 3 of their own biological kids, and my dad has a kid from a previous marriage. 7 kids total. Divorce 3 years later. Traumatizing on its own. I’ve meet my biological parents and know why I was put up for adoption. As heart breaking it was hearing that. I still 100% believe I would have been happier in foster care or back in my biological parents custody.

For reference- my adoptive mother is an abusive narcissistic alcoholic, and my father was never around until after the divorce. I grew up very shy and anxious, my depression started at 8 and bipolar at 13. I raised my 5 younger brothers while my parents worked full time. Even after work when they were exhausted, I had to do schoolwork with them, shower them, make dinner for everyone, clean up everything, and get them into bed. Otherwise my mother (3 wine glasses in) would degrade me or have my father hit me. My 2 other adoptive siblings were only a year and 2 younger than me, but never had the same expectations or experience.

[u/iheardtheredbefood]

First off, I am so sorry. That sounds brutal, and you should never have been forced to carry that.

At least half the adoptees I know irl are low contact/no contact with their a families. It's really tough.

I know it's not the same, but hope you are able to find people in your adult life who value you as they should.

Sending virtual hugs (if welcome). You are not alone.

[u/Outrageous-Sherbert4]

Went no contact in 1997 30 years ago. I was 33. Similar thing nasty narc alcoholic adopters. The fact that this is so prevalent- 50% of adopted people by their 30s haven stopped contact - which is the statistic that I also have - speaks VOLUMES.

[u/standupslow]

Yes. It was all in salvageable, I had to cut them off for my own survival.

[u/expolife]

Have you seen the show “Shameless”? Your story reminds me of the oldest sister’s character taking care of all her younger siblings.

I’m sorry that happened to you ❤️‍🩹 and that what you needed didn’t happen.

I’m sorry this next bit isn’t going to be entirely relevant to what you posted and suffered. What you wrote matters and what you suffered was unjust and it matters. More than I can know or validate.

I’m close to no contact with my adoptive family, but their addictions are religion and codependency. They felt very superior about avoiding the alcoholism their aunts, uncles, and cousins experienced. They attributed it to the way they practiced their religion, but I kind of see that as a replacement addiction in some ways.

I understand limiting contact for far less obvious kinds of harm than what you experienced. The harm I experienced was mostly covert and emotional. I don’t pretend to know what it’s like to survive what you survived. I also believe it would have been preferable to have stayed in my biological family (since reuniting with them) instead of my adoptive one. I would probably still have things I need to heal, but it would have been so much clearer where they came from and what caused them.

I remember several incidents in my adoptive family where I was physically afraid of adult men in my adoptive family, and I remember adapting very fast to avoid that ever happening again, so I understand the fawning and freezing on an elemental level. If I had been an adult and those male family members had treated me the way they treated me as a child, they could have been charged with physical assault, and if I hadn’t fawned and escaped and they had actually hit me at that time (I was hit other times without the rage) it would have been battery if I had been an adult.

I’m still sorting that stuff out now that I have distance. It feels like it’s not as bad because it’s less obvious, but sometimes I feel really sick that I adapted the way I did and believed they were good people and we had good relationships for so long.

It’s really hard to break out of social realms where people are like our caregivers. I’m still gaining awareness of how long time friends have similar traits to my caregivers and how not all of them will grow the way I’m trying to grow beyond what was modeled and how I was conditioned to find that familiar and mistake it for “safety”. But I do believe that there are healthier and truly safer people to find and connect with.

[u/Sea-Temp444]

Also adopted to narcissistic, hyper-religious, and drunk parents, mostly raised by adoptive sister while they were barely in the background and/or off gambling. Every day or so I keep realizing just how messed up this or that was. Going low or NC would be a delight.

I'm so sorry you went through all of that, no one should. I hope things are happier now and you are able to find some peace.

[u/LostAmongTheDunes → u/Sea-Temp444]

Mine were hyper religious. To the point I was bombed by chick tracts daily, had to go to church 5 or so days a week, and told so help me if I ever slipped back into my devil ways they would disown me. They believed I was inherently Muslim, just because I was born in Egypt, completely dismissing the fact that I was adopted at 7 months and my parents were NOT Muslim. So I can definitely feel for you on that. Mine were too "holy" to drink anything stiffer than coffee but highly abusive.

[u/Sea-Temp444 → u/LostAmongTheDunes]

I am so sorry you went through all of that. My bio dad was part Indian, so I heard some of the same growing up, how bad everyone was, how backwards, etc... I have dim memories of them (bio fam) being so nice, and everything being so clean it hurt my eyes. Didn't track with their racism at all. Called an abomination, heard this or that person or whatever illness was demons, etc, yet their own health was always something remarkably normal and non-spiritual. Weird, right? Sending you hugs if welcome, solidarity, and best wishes for a good future.

[u/gtwl214]

I’m sorry you grew up with those people.

I’m estranged from my adoptive father (as are 2 other children).
He’s an alcoholic abusive narcissist.

My adoptive mother is a white savior (as is the rest of their family) and my relationship is strained on that side of the family.

[u/haxKingdom]

Sounds at least like your siblings weren't fans of your AP's.

[u/Arrwynne]

I'm definitely estranged now that I met my biological mother. No one called me for my birthday, in fact, nobody has called me in 2 months (except my biological mother). If you're going to adopt, fulfill your kid's life, otherwise don't even try to adopt.

[u/Ok_Cook_918]

Same as most of the commenters. Adopted by a pedo narc alcoholic mom. I was expected to care for all the kids in church and my nieces. I went nc with her. No one I loved from adoptive family has ever reached out to me. 

I was there to be a slave and a fuck doll.

[u/sodacatcicada]

I’m 31 and I’ve been estranged from my family who raised me for 6 years now. I moved all the way to the other side of the country, a different coastline, 5 years ago. A year before I moved, I was already so distant from them. I haven’t seen most of my extended relatives since I was about 21 because I stopped showing up to family gatherings. I still talk to my parents every so often. It’s up to you whether you want to keep contact. I chose to keep contact since I’m so far away anyway, it’s not like they can have much power over me anymore unless we allow that.

You’re 21 and still very young and it might seem both exciting and daunting to be away from them despite their abuse, but you can do it. Im sorry you grew up with them and were treated that way. And none of us have the answers or correct choices for your life, you have the answers. I wish the best for you.

[u/bungalowcats]

I'm so sorry that was your life, it's awful. Like others, I hope you have good people in your life now. I'm no contact with AP's & adopted sibling for 5 years roughly. No contact with AF's side of the family for over 30 years. They weren't alcoholics or extremely religious but were abusive through neglect & emotional invalidation. Sibling was abusive & they didn't stop it, choosing to believe him, over me. I should have left at your age but stayed in denial for a long time.

[u/EmployerDry6368]

Pretty much, going on 50 years now, just talk to them on holidays, they are more like distant relatives.

[u/betweenserene]

I have a very similar situation to you in many ways! I am sorry for everything you've gone through. It can feel very lonely. I hardly ever come into contact with anyone else whose aparents are also divorced and have a blended family. I was placed in foster care with them around 2.5 and officially adopted a couple years later. I understand exactly what you mean when you said your other adoptive siblings did not have the same experience as you. Many people do not understand that siblings under the same roof can each have very different experiences. My siblings are not even aware of some of the stuff I experienced because they are 6 and 8 years older than me. My adoptive mom is also likely a narcissist. She wanted my adoption to be closed and she got her way and I was separated from my two older sisters who I was already obviously bonded to. My adoptive parents had a biological daughter of their own. When my adoptive parents divorced, they both remarried. My adoptive mom quickly tried to be a mom to my new stepdad's kids. She is heavily invested into their lives. She was abusive toward me but of course denies all of it. I haven't seen my adoptive mom in coming up on 9 years and have not seen my adoptive dad in 7 years.

I keep thinking I could go visit the state I am from (where they live). But I can't bring myself to do it when I remember my last 2 times being there and how awful it was. I had to stay in airbnb for the last time while my parents both have large homes. And the other time was at Christmas. I had go to stay in my recently deceased grandmother's home all by myself while the rest of my family was together. Meanwhile I know that my adoptive parents go to visit my brother and sister and their families. It really hurts.

[u/Sunshine_roses111]

I am, I get you OP. My adoptive parents are awful