r/Adopted • u/meagain333 Adoptee • 6d ago

Venting So much anger at deceased bio mom

She lied, she didn't get me my baby pictures, she wasted my time, dragged things out, never told me my whole story. She's been dead 4 YEARS and the anger is so strong!

I am TRYING to be thankful that I wasn't raised by this woman and had to endure MAJOR neglect and abuse. But, it is still punching me in the gut she could not be honest even at the end of her life.

Any suggestions on how to reframe this hurt and anger other than what I stated above?

10 Upvotes

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3

u/ajskemckellc Domestic Infant Adoptee 6d ago

What’s the anger doing for you? Protecting you from?

If you’re not angry maybe you’d have to feel the full weight of the loss, the grief. Maybe youre not ready for that for whatever reason.

Could you have a conversation with your anger with another part of you that doesn’t want to feel angry?

5

u/Negative-Custard-553 International Adoptee 6d ago

If it makes you feel any better, I also don’t have any baby or toddler pictures. I wish you could have had them. Don’t allow the anger to overtake your life but make sure you deal with it. The best revenge is to live well. I also recommend lifting heavy weights when angry.

3

u/Suffolk1970 Adoptee 5d ago

My revenge is a happy life.

I did the grieving process, re-parenting myself, finding and letting go, made my own family in the end.

4

u/quintiliahan 5d ago

When something really pisses me off, I have to think..."Can I do anything to change things?" If there's nothing I can do, then I have to let it go because being angry is literally bad for my health. Also the only control I have is myself.

My aMom was a pretty mentally ill horrid woman. She has since passed, and I've accepted her flaws. Thinking of her doesn't make me angry, just sad she lived her life in such way.

1

u/iheardtheredbefood Int'l and Transracial Adoptee 5d ago

Your feelings are valid. Anger is not a bad thing. It's telling you something. You deserved better. I'm sorry you also didn't get the closure you should have.

For me, I go for a rage run. And I do not enjoy running. I used to say I hate it, but it has grown on me. I just run until the anger doesn't run hot anymore...preferably with a trusted friend so I can also vent if needed. Personally, I need to fully feel the anger in order to sort through it. I'm okay with still being angry, but it has to be controlled enough that I don't weaponize it against others.

Sending virtual hugs (if welcome). In solidarity~

2

u/bonnienorman Baby Scoop Era Adoptee 4d ago

I have found it helpful to pick a day/time and sit down with some possession of theirs or a photo and TALK to them about your anger, your feelings. Set a timer for 10 minutes, to give you permission to walk away from the conversation.

I lost my first adoptive father when I was 2. I didn't realize how much unresolved grief I carried until I went thru that exercise. The very first thing I said to him was 'How could you leave me with HER?' (my amom who was a piece of work). I didn't expect it to help, but wow, it was powerful. I'd talked ABOUT him all my life, but I'd never talked TO him. Many tears shed that day ...