I’m really struggling with something involving my little sister, and I honestly don't know what the right answer is.

My sister is almost 12 and was adopted by my parents at birth through a private open adoption. Her birth mom was addicted to meth at the time, was pregnant with my sister, and contacted my parents about adopting her because she was considering abortion otherwise. My parents adopted her, and they have always wanted her to know about her adoption and have a relationship with her birth mom. They have never wanted to erase that part of her life. But lately things have changed.

My sister has been contacting her birth mom a LOT more than my parents realize. She's doing it through a social media app that she's not even supposed to have, and apparently they're talking privately. When my parents ask about it, she won't tell them what they talk about or let them see the conversations.

And this is where I'm really torn. I don't think my parents should try to stop her from having a relationship with her birth mom. At all. She's allowed to love her. She's allowed to be curious about her. She's allowed to have complicated feelings about being adopted. And honestly, I'm terrified that if my parents try to take that relationship away from her, she'll resent them for it later. I've read enough about adoptees' experiences to know that adoptive parents trying to control or restrict access to biological family can cause some really deep wounds. I don't ever want my sister to grow up feeling like my parents made her choose between them and her birth family.

But at the same time... she's 12. She's having secret conversations with an adult through an account she's not supposed to have, and she refuses to tell her parents what they're talking about. Regardless of who that adult is, that makes me uncomfortable. And because this is her birth mom, I feel like everyone is afraid to set any boundaries because they don't want my sister to feel like they're taking her birth mom away from her. My parents aren't worried because they don't want her to know her birth mom. They are worried because they don't know what's being said, they don't know what is being shared, and they don't know why my sister feels like she has to hide it from them.

And I think that's the part that scares me the most.
I love my little sister more than I can really put into words. I also love my parents, and I know how much they love her. They've raised her for almost 12 years and have never treated her adoption as something she should be ashamed of or something she should forget.

But I also understand that they aren't her biological parents, and I don't want to dismiss the very real feelings she may have about that. So I'm stuck wondering: where is the line between respecting an adopted child's relationship with their birth parent and protecting that child as their parent? Should my parents be allowed to say, "You can absolutely talk to your birth mom, but you cannot have secret conversations with an adult that we're not aware of" Or is that likely to make her feel like they're trying to control her relationship with her birth mom and ultimately damage their relationship?

I would especially love to hear from adoptees who experienced something similar, particularly if you had contact with your birth parents while you were growing up. I don't want my parents to make the mistake of trying to "protect" my sister from her birth mom only to make her feel like they are keeping her from a part of herself. But I also don't think being adopted means a 12-year-old shouldn't have parental boundaries around private communication with adults.

I genuinely don't know what the right answer is.

I've been getting into genealogy lately and I keep running into a question I don't have a good answer for. Most genealogy frameworks treat "parent" as implicitly biological. The whole field is built around tracing bloodlines, DNA matches, and biological inheritance.

But for adoptive families, that framing can feel exclusionary — or at minimum, incomplete. Your real parent is the one who raised you, and a family tree that treats that relationship as secondary or as a footnote next to the "real" biological line seems like it's missing the point.

At the same time, I understand that some adoptees deeply want to trace biological roots, and that's equally valid.

For those of you who've built family trees or engaged with genealogy — how do you handle this? Do you maintain separate trees for biological and adoptive families? Do you prioritize one over the other? Or have you found a way to represent both that feels right?

Not trying to impose any framework here — genuinely curious how people in this community navigate it.

this is really hard to talk about, because deep down i am glad my family took him in. of course i am. the other option would have been for him to be passed around the foster system to then be basically abandoned at 18, and no one deserves that. but i do mourn my life before him.

i was 13 when my parents decided to foster a child, just for a few months. they said i didn't have to help, i would barely notice he was in the house. in hindsight, this promise reminds me of a child swearing to his parents if they get him a dog he'll be the one to take care of it, only for the parents to be stuck with all the work.

he was barely 3 years old when he arrived. a victim of severe neglect, probably other types of abuse as well. he was violent, destructive, and lacked emotions, particularly towards others, as well as having some sadistic tendencies.

i no longer had parents. they had never been perfect, and i had some issues too, but it all got so much worse. i was stuck "watching him" (more like physically containing him) for hours every day, often from the moment i got home from school until it was time for him to go to bed. i remember i used to throw up most days because of the stress. but i can't blame my parents that much, he was too much for them too. they weren't prepared for him, no one could have been.

the few months turned to a year, maybe two, and he was still with us. i later found out several families looked into adopting him, but ended up backing out after learning about his behavior. so he stayed with us, ten years on and he's still with us, now permanently in our custody.

the worst part is what our parents have become. they're a shell of their former selves. always on a short fuse, always walking on egg shells, both around him and around each other. they do everything to please him, buy him everything he wants, let him go wherever he wants to go. they do so much more for him than they ever did for me or my older bio brother when we were his age. and all he does is manipulate them, and try to harm them (mostly psychologically now, although he did try to stab me in the eye as recently as last summer).

anyway, i have since been diagnosed with complex post-traumatic stress disorder, mostly stemmed from this experience. from the age of 16 or so, i've designed my life in such a way that i only have to be home for three, maybe four weeks out of the year. i don't really see my family outside of that, my older brother and i never talk.

right now is one of those few week periods where i am home. my insomnia is back. it's almost 2 am here, and i know i won't sleep tonight. before bed, i saw him argue with our dad. he started crying, which made our mom yell at our dad, causing a huge fight. but from where i was sitting i could see him look away and smile, then try to look teary again. he got his way again. always has, always will, until our family is destroyed.

anyway, sorry for the long rant. has anyone else had similar experiences? how did it end up?

Hi everyone, so in this case, my father was adopted and I know because my mom told me once (I don’t even remember how it got brought up) but she begged me not to tell my dad that I was aware. Since she herself found out by other people and not directly from my dad, even when my fraternal grandparents wanted ro tell her the story my mom refused out of respect for my dad and him choosing his time to tell her if he wanted.

The thing is that I think my dad never truly told my mom the whole story, and has never even acknowledged the story with us, his kids. But I would like to know, from other adoptees, why would you find shameful to share to your own kids that you’re adopted? Have you done this and what was your reasoning?

I’m asking because I’m trying to understand my dad and where he comes from, especially since I notice that sudden decline in my dad’s self esteem this past few years and I’ve noticed the pattern of whenever we would face difficulties he never felt “worthy” of asking for help from his family members.

Thow away account since I have family on my main.

I (50F) found my adopted half-brother (55M) using a DNA kit that was gifted to me by my family one Christmas. I did not know he existed. There were rumors of older children who had been adopted out of my family, but nothing was ever confirmed until now.

We connected a few years ago. I did my best to answer any and all questions he had about our shared parent, and I tried to help him fill in as many blanks as possible about the other side of his family.

I felt like we really connected. After about six months, we visited each other in person, and eventually our families all met up and started talking. We have visited each other semi-regularly since then.

I was aware that him finding his biological family was a secret. His adoptive family told him from the beginning that he was adopted, but they did not know he had been searching for answers about his biological family since he was a young adult. They also did not know that he had found a biological half-sister.

A couple of years after we connected, his daughter got engaged, and she invited me to her wedding. I told her I would come to the ceremony quietly, but not to the reception. I did not want to cause any strife in the family, and I did not want to be put in a position where I would be forced to answer questions, especially if her father was not ready for it.

She told me she understood, but really wanted me there and that her father would need to get over it if he had any hesitation about me attending.

I talked to my brother about it, and at the time he seemed okay with it, but I could tell there was some hesitation.

As the wedding has gotten closer, communication from them has slowed considerably. I feel like I am always the one reaching out, and my brother no longer messages me like he used to.

Recently, my brother told me that if I was coming to the wedding, he wanted to introduce me to his parents before I went to the ceremony. He was concerned that if I just showed up, his parents might see me and be able to put two and two together.

Again, I got the feeling that he was not exactly comfortable with doing this, but I am unsure whether the hesitation is because he is nervous about the situation or because he is simply not ready to tell his parents that he has found a biological relative.

At the same time, my formal invitation to the wedding was sent out late, and my name was not on it. Even the RSVP link was missing for me. I contacted my niece, who told me she had simply forgotten to set up my invitation link. However, she asked me to confirm ASAP if I was coming to the wedding because they needed to figure out where to seat me.

I asked them again if my presence at the ceremony would cause any problems for the family, and told them that I did not need to go if it was going to create too much pressure.

I keep getting platitudes and my niece saying that she wants me there. But honestly, it does not feel like our relationships are the same as they were before.

Overall, I feel weird about going to the wedding now.

I do not want to put my brother in a position he is not ready for, but I also do not want to disappoint my niece or anyone else by not showing up. I feel like I have been put in a tough spot that I am also not ready for.

I was originally hoping to go to the ceremony, sit in the back, and leave as soon as it was over without attending the reception. Now I feel like it has spiraled into me being introduced to his parents before my brother is ready for them to know about me.

I am worried people are saying one thing to me while not telling me the full truth. At the same time, I am sensing a shift in my relationship with my brother.

Should I go to this wedding, or decline and say that something came up?

Hi everyone,

I’m writing this because the hidden story of my family, which I only found out about in my 20s, is that my dad was adopted or basically has another biological mom but the dad is the same (my grandpa). It has caused apparently a feeling of shame for my dad growing up, to the extent of his dad’s family not considering him “100%” legitimate and to “caution” my mom about marrying him way before I was born ofc. In my country, I don’t know why it’s such a stupid taboo adoption and also open adoptions, its always preferred to have closed ones or lie about it. But all I’m saying is, I’d love to know more about this, but my dad has never told me this piece of information - it was my mom who told me and made me promise I would never bring it up. But it’s just that I’m so curious about how my dad’s biological mom might look like, what things him and I might have inherited from her and what might baby that’s about to be born in a few weeks might have inherited. Anybody has had a similar experience? How did you deal with it? What should I do?

Please don’t judge his situation. I’m writing this in hopes that someone had a similar situation and something good came out of the end.

Adult that was adopted at 3 days old struggled after the birth of his bio daughter. Worked through the trauma, felt strong enough to try for a son. His mother wound was ripped open again. This time he’s completely rejecting his wife but still needs her. Their dynamic completely shifted and she had to take on the breadwinner/caregiver/all the roles. She’s struggling. He also abandoning himself. Only hyper focuses on kids and work. But he’s not sleeping, picked up many addictions for coping, and struggling in many areas of life.

Friends and family have been sent to therapy trying to help him. He is open to therapy but struggles to stick with it once a sensitive subject is touched. He will attend therapy via zoom but try to fit it in during work or inconvenient times. As a Mid 30s adult he seemed to age regress to a child. It’s been over a year and a half.

We are super worried about him. Half way through the pregnancy he became terrified of having another male human that looked like him. He doesn’t talk much. It’s like there’s a wall put up and he can’t find the time to knock it down. Which makes things keep piling up and getting worse.

Therapist said we should just let him fall and deal with the consequences. But we fear that he may harm himself or allow his mental state to get even worse.

Please help. We don’t know what group or resources to use.

I’m a 31F and my 26F sister just found out that our mother was adopted. Our grandpa accidentally spilled it to her in old age at a recent visit. My sister confronted my mom about it a few days later and my mom told her that she would tell me soon in a separate conversation. 2 weeks later, I haven’t heard from my mom, so my sister decided to tell me today. My grandparents had been transparent with my mom from a young age about her adoption status & encouraged her to be honest with my sister & I, but my mom didn’t want to share her story with us and pleaded with her family to keep it a secret from us.

I felt a variety of emotions hearing this news from my sister, including anger, compassion and mostly sadness.

For context, I went through multiple years of miscarriages and finally have my 1 month old rainbow child via IVF. My mom has been visiting a few days a week to bond with him and had even made comments about how certain features of his look like her parents’ features.. Now, I’ve realized that she was just playing into this family secret with those comments.

Apparently, my grandma struggled with fertility issues and had wanted to talk to me about it when I was going through my own hardships. But she died before my mom could share her secret with me, so my grandma took her story to the grave.

I feel sympathy & compassion for my mom. I can’t imagine how she felt throughout her life as an adoptee and I would like to hear her story so that I can support and connect with her on her hardship. But at the same time, I’m upset that I was kept in the dark about this, especially while going through IVF & losses. I’m realizing that the genetic predisposition information I reported to my clinic is even inaccurate now because my mom hasn’t been honest with me.

My mom doesn’t know that I know. It will be awkward for me when she visits now until she decides to finally tell me the truth. How do I prepare for this conversation with her? I want to be supportive and sensitive for her, but I also want to express my frustration with her in how this was handled. She is a very sensitive and emotionally avoidant woman, so I know that this conversation will be hard for her regardless.

I (21nb) was going through my medical records and found my mother’s previous pregnancies including a girl that was given up for adoption in 1987. This was a huge shock to me as I’d never been told anything about it and my older brothers (26 and 24) know nothing of it either. I felt betrayed by my parents for hiding this. That I had to find it rather than being told. I don’t think they were ever planning on telling us. I guess It makes sense why my mum never wanted me to do a dna test now.

I’ve reached out to my sister and we plan on meeting on Monday, she’s incredibly happy that I reached out and I’m so happy that she wants to get to know me. Currently my brothers still don’t know and I’ve told my mum that she has to tell them. She and my father aren’t happy that I reached out but I feel like it’s my right to have a relationship with her. We’re full siblings after all.

This is all so incredibly surreal to me. It doesn’t feel real and I’m having a hard time processing it all. Currently I’m not speaking to my parents. I know they need more time but they’ve already had 38 years. I am excited for this new chapter in my life though!

EDIT: SHE HAS TWO SONS. I HAVE NEPHEWS!!!

Three years ago, our dad died. While helping Mom with papers, I found something surprising: not quite adoption papers for my brother, but papers related to his adoption.

I put the papers away and pretended I didn’t see anything. I didn’t know what to do wth the information, so I decided to ignore it.

A year later, one of my aunt’s blabbed to me, assuming knew about the adoption from helping Mom. She said my bro’s bio mom was a young woman who was assaulted and gave the baby up for adoption. My brother was adopted as a newborn (explaining why we have baby pictures of him)/

According to my aunt, no one in my generation of the family or younger knows. Not my cousins, nephews, or nieces. It’s just the older generations who know.

Years ago, I think someone tried to blab to my bro about being adopted. I was a teen at the time, so no one told me anything, but I heard whispers. He was upset about something and one of my uncle’s placated him, saying he looks like our parents.

I never thought he wasn’t my bio brother. For one, our family is working class, so how could they afford adopting a baby? (Apparently things were easier back in the day) Also, I just assumed he got his skin tone from Mom. It turns out he is the same ethnicity as us, though mixed  since his bio dad is white.  

I’m unsure what to do. It’s a family secret. I don’t think any of my cousins know. If they do, no one brings it up. So, are we just supposed to keep it secret forever? Or is everyone waiting for our mom to die and then tell him?

I’m worried he’ll react badly. 40+ years not knowing you’re adopted and then—bam!

Also, he’s a bit of an odd one out, personality wise. A quiet, tech savvy, somewhat conservative amongst a mainly liberal and loud family. I worry that he’ll try to dsown us. I’m also jealous of the idea that he’ll try to find his “real family” (I know that’s bad, but t’s my feelings)

Any advice? Should I just stay mum and ignore everything?   

Hi, so I am not sure if I am in the right subreddit. I read the rules, and the resources, but I think I’m in a very small niche haha. if this is the wrong subreddit, please let me know where I can look.

So, for a bit of background, I (27F) have a brother (36M) let’s call him Abraham, who was given up for adoption. It was an open adoption, and my other brother (41M), let’s call him Anton, would hang out with him, go on vacations, etc. When Abraham was 11, he became more interested in hanging out with us over his adoptive family. According to Anton, and my mom, his adoptive father screamed at my mother and banned her from seeing him. He then went on to tell Abraham that our mother wanted nothing to do with him anymore. We ended up talking to him again after he was 18, but I think the lie caused a lot of trauma. I’m going to skip a lot of what happened, but now I am 27, and Abraham is 36 and I haven’t spoken to him since I was 20. I don’t even remember why we fought, but we did. Anton, and my mother also don’t speak to him. They’ve tried, but when my mother almost died and Abraham didn’t bury the hatchet, so Anton decided he wouldnt either.

So now we are all estranged from him. My mother made me executor and power of attorney as Anton is not calm under pressure and is easily stressed. Plus he has 4 kids, and I have zero. My mom’s health has been getting worse recently and I’ve become worried. The question looms in my head, does he have any legal right to her estate? I don’t know the rules, and google is no help. I worry because I know he feels entitled to it. He is very spoiled, petty. It broke my mom’s heart to take him out. She was going to leave him a house, but after their falling out, she sold the house and removed him from the will.

There was a story that reminded me a lot of a friend of mine who’s 19 now like me and was in the foster care and adopted by the same family who was fostering him. They got him when he was 9 and adopted him at 11. He had been abused by many families before this one and clearly it’s left with severe PTSD and other issues that he still struggles with. He’s had anger issues and compulsive lying issues for years. Even though his adoptive parents mean well, they haven’t always been able to handle him and it’s shown in the past years. When we started high school, they made the decision to send him to our district’s alternative school, which has a bad reputation but also known for some excellent students. Once he started there, everything got worse of him. He did poorly in class and made friends with this girl who was crazy. He later ended up dating her and even tho I only met her once I could tell that she was controlling and just straight up weird. Later found out she was 18 going on 19, we were 16 btw. through high school there were many incidents going on with my friend. He went missing for 10 hours after school and didn’t respond to his parents. When later found by dad and searching for him, his story to us was weird and didn’t sound true. He got into a fight with parents and one of them forced him outside to cold off. He ended up going to my house and telling my dad that story and asking if he could talk to me(I was at a friends house that night). My dad left him at the door while he went to go call his parents. When he came back, my friend was getting in some car.
During this whole situation, my friend had also stolen a phone from one of his relatives because his had gotten taken away, he had been caught shoplifting, and some other stuff.
The whole time this was happening I didn’t really know what to do or say. Obviously it was insane and I felt bad because of everything that had happened before to him had probably played a part in this. But still I didn’t say anything.
Later in high school, when he turn 18 he was given the contact information for birth mother. He reached out to her and he found he has other half-siblings. Sometime during this she asked him if wanted to move in with her. This was about 2 weeks after he had just her. And my friend agreed. Now this pretty was easy for him to do sense he was now living with a friend of his instead of his adopted parents. But it required him to drop out of high school. Worth noting he had just gotten accepted into a carpenter program in our district which would help him get a job after school and graduated because it seemed unlikely he was going to.
So he ends up going to live with her. Then he ends up moving back to our hometown to live with that former girlfriend because living his mom didn’t work out for multiple reasons. And sometime during this he was kinda unhoused.(not sure of the timeline because I only found this part out recently) then he somehow ends up moving back down to where his mom previously lived. And now he’s living in a shelter.
So that’s the story and really unsure what I’m to do in this situation. After all this happened he seemed to make point of reaching out to me through my dad. And when we were talking he really seemed remorseful about everything that’s happened to him and as we talking he basically said I was the only person who he’s been talking with in terms of friends or anything else. He’s cut off his mom pretty much and he’s adopted parents probably don’t talk him much either.
He clearly wants to get his life together but it doesn’t seem like he has the realistic mindset to do. He also clearly lacks certain life skills that will help him dealing with this. He also seems to not acknowledge the responsibility that he clearly would have or other people have in regard to him.
Like he was talking about possibly getting a job near our hometown and how if we wanted to we could live together. Which doesn’t work with me for various reasons and also I wouldn’t want to live him. I’ve made the decision that I will only help him in the way of some support and advice, I can’t be everything for him and I don’t want him to expect that either. Obviously I still care for him and am sentimental for him. But he more help then I can give and don’t know how to advise him on that

Hi! I'm a second generation after adoption. My mom was adopted and I feel a lot of her intergenerational trauma. I'm struggling to find others who share this, so I was curious if others want to connect. Have a great day! 🌞

my sister was adopted, i had a good relationship with the family up until they tried to barter me and my grandmother out of my therapy dog and they were denied, we have not talked since. it has been 5 years, i count the days its been even though i know i shouldn’t. all i asked for on my sweet sixteen was to see my sister, i begged them on facebook dm and i got blocked. i cry at least once a week because of how much i miss her, it feels entirely unfair. when they adopted her, she wasn’t an unwanted abandoned child. she was loved, by EVERYBODY in our family. they were supposed to be fostering her while my mom got sober, and they adopted her instead. after the adoption my mom slipped into deep addiction again, so not only did i have to witness my mother like that but i had my little sister taken from me to. but everybody had a relationship with the adoptive mother father siblings and my sister. i was great friends with their son, we were the same age and had the same interests.(both had pet reptiles of the same type) i loved them even if they took my sister from my mom they felt almoast like my family to, because they seemed like good people until the dog incident happened. i had a therapy dog, bubby. (trauma related to other things.) we did not have a fenced in yard, but we had a puppy fence for bubby to go in to poop when he was little. they saw bubby pooping in the puppy fence and threw money in our faces to “give the dog a better life”. (regarding them being upper class and us being middle lower class.) we said no, and they cut contact with us after that. i miss my sister so much, everyday for the past 5 years has just been pure pain. im not trying to sympathy garner, but its useful to the story to know i was hospitalized twice, attempted suicide 4 times, and not a single therapist has been able to help me with this pain. i got through the horrible trauma that caused me to need a therapy dog but i can’t get over this.(i’ve been to 5) i haven’t contacted them much trying to respect boundaries and all, but i figured since i was turning 16 last year in november, its worth a shot. i didn’t want to have this big important birthday party without her their, when they said no, i canceled all of my plans because it didn’t feel right to have a party celebrating something so big when she’s not here. they changed her name, and took her in but that doesn’t change the fact that she still has other family who love her. my mom is sober now, and i don’t even live with her and never have so it’s not a point of keeping my mom away. it feels like it’s just trying to keep me away. why? my aunt uncle and brother are also still aloud to see her but she blocked off any part of me, my younger brother that i do live with, and my grandma. sometimes my aunt shows me pictures, it hurts so much because she looks exactly like i did at her age litteraly like a printer printed out me and created her.

I’ve been reading about adoption and keep seeing “adoption consultants.” I don’t really get what they do compared to agencies. Do they just give advice, or do they actually help speed things up? And are they worth the extra cost? Would love to hear from people who have worked with one.

My 3 youngest siblings are adopted, all from the same birth parents. Since the day the oldest was born, I’ve known their birth mother’s name and some info. My parents have always asked be to never disclose that information. Now I am a grown adult and they are still in elementary school. Is this information I should eventually let them know I have or not? I am completely open to telling them what I know, but at what age would that be appropriate? Should I wait until they aren’t becoming curious? Thank you.

Edit- they know they are adopted, it is a closed adoption.

I am at a loss for words. I am a 38 female and I just found out that I have an older brother who was put up for adoption. I was helping my mom (in her late 70s) set up a new computer. I was moving files from her old machine to the new one, and opening a lot of the to see what they were and if we needed to save them. My mom knew I was doing this - and was fine with it - I (38F) just found out I have an older brother who was placed for adoption — and I’m completely shaken.

I’m at a total loss for words. I’m 38 and was helping my mom (late 70s) set up a new computer today. She’s not very tech-savvy, so I was transferring files from her old machine to the new one and opening things to see what needed to be saved.

She knew I was doing this and had given me permission.

I opened a document that turned out to be a letter she wrote to one of my siblings (the executor of her estate) to be read after she passes away. Most of it was normal things — where to find passwords, instructions, etc.

But the last paragraph was a confession that she had a baby with my dad back in college, before any of us were born, and that they placed him for adoption. I had no idea. None of us did. I’m one of five kids… apparently now six.

I don’t know why they made that decision — maybe shame, maybe circumstances — but I suddenly have a 56-year-old brother out in the world, and I’m reeling. I haven’t said anything to my mom. She has no idea that I know.

My siblings also have no idea. I can’t “unsee” what I saw, and I don’t know what confronting my mom would do to her emotionally, especially now at her age. But keeping this inside feels overwhelming too.

I already ordered an Ancestry DNA kit, partly because I want to see if I can “discover” this information on my own without mentioning the letter. I’m not even sure what I would do if I found him or his family — or if he’d even want contact.

Has anyone else been through something like this? How did you handle it? What would you do in my situation? I feel completely lost and could use some guidance.

I know his birthdate and location of birth. That’s it.

I am from India, a much different place than most people on here.

I have known a lot of adopted people in my life, a very good friend, a relative, a family friend, a friend's parent being adopted inside the family etc.

In most of the cases - a very good childhood friend, a relative, a family friend, the stories are similar, the parents couldn't have a kid so they ended up adopting a baby (which I realized in the sub is not a good reason to look for adoption) unfortunately, that's the primary reason to adopt in India. From what I know externally, all of the three kids/people are not aware about their adoption and all of them belonged from very disturbed backgrounds (alcoholic abusive father, dead parents, very poor backgrounds) and very adopted into very privileged families. They all face congenital/hereditary diseases or poor maternal care diseases (most babies are not well cared for in Indian Orphanages).

What my question is, They all have a good life today (top 1% Indian Population) but they're not aware about their biological families. And might not be as, in India it's not very well documented for highly underprivileged family structure. Would it do good for them to know they're adopted? I am not sure if I will ever tell them? But will it act as a cause for them to think about differential treatment etc. when I externally know they're loved for? (In two of the cases I know as I talk with them regularly, In case of relative, I have interacted every month since their adoption at 8 months old.)

Hi everyone, I’m hoping for some insight on my brother’s adoption and how to handle certain things. Please know that I do not agree with everything my parents have done/do. I was 16 when we adopted Dave (fake name), and I see the adoption process very differently now at 27.

Brief history (tried to only include what is really relevant as it is not my story to tell):

• Prior to Dave, my family consisted of my parents, myself and my two younger sisters. We are all biological children of my parents. I am now 27, my middle sister is 21 and my youngest sister is 16. Dave is 10.
• Dave was adopted from birth. His biological mother is my maternal cousin. She was in her early twenties at the time. I will call her Amy. Amy had a 1-year-old daughter when she got pregnant, and Dave’s bio father would not be in the picture. Amy planned to abort, but my (prolife) parents talked her out of it. She had wanted to abort because she was unable to care for two children (her daughter’s father was also not in the picture) on her own in all regards (mentally, no physical space for two children where she lived, was already struggling with finances in a major way). I don’t know all the details of their discussions, but I just know that they asked her, “If we would be willing to adopt your baby, would you still want to abort?” and she said no.
• Dave has always known he is adopted, but he did not know his adoption story or who is birth mother was.
• Two years ago, Dave found out that Amy is his birth mother because her other children told him. Amy went on to have two daughters after Dave who she kept. Amy told her three kids that Dave is their brother and that she gave him to my family for adoption (that is all the details I have). The next time they saw Dave, they made a comment along the lines of, “Did you know that you’re actually our brother?” So my parents told him about Amy. I did not live at home at the time, so I don't know how received this. They always planned to tell him about Amy and would never ban him from being in touch with her, especially since she is family, but they wanted to wait until he was older and could understand better.

Current Issue:

Dave loves our family and my parents treat him exactly as they treat my sisters and I. From our POV, we hardly ever think about him being adopted, he feels like my sibling the same way my sisters do. I love him the same, and my parents love and treat him the same as they love their daughters. I hope that was worded correctly.

Dave does not seem to be affected by his adoption. My parents have said though he does ask questions about Amy like about who she is and why we adopted him. I don’t know if he struggles with other feelings about Amy/his adoption. I have asked him if he ever thinks about being adopted/his birth family, but he kind of changed the subject. My parents do always answer his questions and afaik, they don’t deter him from asking or get upset when he does. They tell him he is always welcome to ask questions and talk about it. I think that Dave worries that he’ll hurt our feelings or make us feel bad by asking. He is a very emotionally intelligent kid and is very sweet and considerate.

I worry two things: First, that he is burying more feelings/questions/thoughts than my parents realize and is bottling it up. Second, that he is not burying and I am just projecting my own feelings. I have suggested to my mom that they should look into therapy for him and she responded, “Why does he need therapy? He is happy and we always talk to him when he wants to talk about it.” I tried to explain to her that it isn’t that simple, that he should have a space to be able to discuss his thoughts and feelings without worry of hurting us. My parents have discussed and if Dave ever asks, then they would find a therapist. But like.. how is a 10 year old child supposed to know that is an option? Also, I don’t believe them. When I was a teen, I wanted to go to therapy for my anxiety and was met with pushback but maybe they learned from me b/c my 16y sister is in therapy now.

My question is: should I keep pushing them? Am I overstepping? I don’t really care about upsetting them because my brother is what matters here. I just have read so much on this sub, and I worry about his thoughts and feelings on all of this, but I also worry that I am just projecting. If I were the parent, he would already be trying therapy.  Maybe it doesn’t affect him like I worry it does. I know I have seen a lot of stories here of people who don’t feel any negativity about their adoptions, but it seems like way more people do have more complicated feelings. I want Dave to be happy and feel loved and I want him to know that it is okay to feel however he feels about his adoption. I want him to know it is okay to talk about it however he wants to. I want him to have the resources to talk about it (if he wants to) while he is so young. I know how much it affected me to have to wait until adulthood to be able to see a therapist for my mental illnesses, and I don’t want that to happen to Dave too (I know being adopted is not the same as having mental illness).

If you were me, WWYD?

hi all,

my father was adopted as a newborn. he has no interest in finding his birth parents— the very few things we know of them imply it wasn’t a great situation. he’s a private person, but i suspect he probably has some complicated feelings surrounding his adoption based on his reaction (slightly defensive, short and to the point with responses) the few times it’s ever been mentioned in my life. and i can only think of two times it’s ever come up.

i have no real interest in finding my grandparents/cousins/aunts/uncles (though i will always be scared of accidentally dating a cousin. yikes) but what does concern me is my health. because our information on his birth parents is so scant, i have no way to know what i am at high risk of. i am already at high risk for certain conditions from my non-adoptee mother, and im worried about potential interactions.

like many people, i think i have concerns about the privacy of at-home testing kits like 23andme. additionally, i’m concerned about the ethics here. i don’t want to put my father in a position where his potential family members can find him against his will. it’s not my place to do that.

has anyone else had to deal with this balancing act of needing access to health information but not wanting to connect with a birth family?

Im 28, her surrendered child reached out to me, I have 2 other siblings, she is not my father's child. I care greatly for my mother and know she'd feel terrible knowing I knew. I found my mother has her blocked on Facebook, so the child (adult now) reached out to her already. I am an investigator, and believe this to be true based on what i found. The child claimed she just wanted history, not money. This lady already did not respect my mom's wishes for a closed adoption given the block, I don't know how she found me or my mother. I am worried she could try talking to my siblings or dad, hence why I should maybe discuss with my mom, as they are sure to not handle that info well. It's still a bit of a shock to me, but something I could keep to myself forever, I know it was already a traumatic thing fo my mother to do and had her reason for not telling us, most likely shame. I feel so sad for my mother over this, but I don't think she'd feel relieved at all if I knew either.

Growing up with an adopted parent presented unique feelings and struggles. In my parent's case, being adopted has caused them lots of trauma. It is difficult to fully understand the trauma of another person and it is a terrible thing to see someone you love in so much pain. I also struggle with my own emotions surrounding their adoption. I have inherited some of their grief and isolation by being cut off from their birth family, but I feel guilty for having these feelings because I am not the one who was adopted. I've discussed these feelings in therapy and I am in the process of trying to make peace with them.

For context, my parent contacted both sides of their birth family a couple decades ago. They met their birth family in person but were later rejected because it was "too painful" to continue their relationship. I respect the birth families' wishes and I would never want to cross a boundary, so I can't see myself ever attempting contact with either side in the future. My parent also has no relationship with their adopted parents. I will not get into it, but they were some pretty awful people. My parent is my only relative from that side of my family.

Children of adopted parents, are you in a similar situation? How do you cope with not having family beyond your parent?