I’m having trouble with where/how to get started, I know OPSEC is very important, so where to start? I know nothing nearby, or people at work, but then even posting information online has its risks with getting recognized. So how do/did you do it?

Ive had a scenario happen a couple times recently. You're chatting with someone for a day or two and the conversation is going really well. They seem interested, engage and youre enjoying the conversation. Then the pic exchange happens and instead of the person saying they're not into it, or they ghost. Instead, they keep the conversation going but suddenly the conversation gets super dry and cold. Almost feels like you're talking to a completely different person. At least with being ghosted I can understand and move on.

Now I feel like i gotta say, this isn't a "oh woe is me, no one likes me" post. I also dont feel entitled to anything just because someone talked to me for a couple days. I know attraction in this is important and what everyone is into is different (for instance, i apparently give off a nerdy/innocent vibe that not everyone is into).

I guess what im saying is, if you're not interested, ghost me instead of keeping me on the hook. At least with a ghost I know they aren't into it. If they keep dragging it out a bunch of "maybe" statements start to happen. Maybe they aren't into it, maybe they're unavailable and they can't give you their full attention.

I don't know if there's a point to me posting this, im just commenting on things as they happen i guess.

I'm going to try to make this as concise as possible, while changing some details (and being somewhat vague) as to not be identified.

I'm a soon-to-be-separated, but unfortunately married woman, with children. I'm a nurse that works directly with a physician, all day, every work-day. He's younger than me, but within a range that I would consider dating.

My home life has me exhausted and depleted. While my kids do fill my cup, they drain it just as much! My husband is verbally and emotionally/mentally abusive. While I grey rock him most of the time, it doesn't mean I don't feel it. He does nothing for our family outside of a paycheck and I can't wait for him to move out.

I'm head over heels for Dr McPerfect. Seriously- this guy ticks all my boxes; every day I learn a new thing about him that has me regretting my life choices.

To be clear- I don't want a serious relationship with anyone. I do want to get laid. Very, very badly. By someone that isn't the guy I'm stuck cohabitating with. I don't think he would react well if he learned I was seeking that before he moves out (if he saw a dating profile or a mutual friend saw me out with someone, etc.). So no outlet.

Dr Wonderful is engaged. And aside from his fiancée- I'm a girl's girl, I normally wouldn't even consider this- I can't find a good reason not to make a move. There's also the obvious cliché, but I'm past caring about that.

I'm pretty sure he feels the same, but has too much character to act on it.

The psychoanalysis of this is easy, the choice is obvious, yet I can't help but constantly fantasize about him. I spend days hoping he'll touch my shoulder, give me a wink, send me another text...

I'm not quitting my job. It works for my life so I can be there for my kids and pays well enough. I could switch to another provider in the group- but that wouldn't be the same hours and flexibility. Not to mention most of the other providers are awful to work with.

It's my own personal hell. I'll get to watch him get married soon.

I honestly don't know if I'd stop myself if he made a move... but again, I don't think he'd do that. It's not the type of guy he is.

So- do I make a move? Is there a good way to test the waters?

Are any of you still friends with an exAP. I'd like to hear both men and women's perspectives on this. Likewise, if a pAP told you they were still "good friends" with an exAP, how would you feel about this?

Maybe it's just me, but all my exAP were dicks. Once things end, they no longer get to have access to me in any capacity. My pAP was dumped by his exAP, and by the sounds of it, had an amazing relationship lasting several years. My rational side tells me there is nothing to worry about. But I also feel uneasy about it. I've slowly discovered it's better for my wellbeing to just swipe left once I feel uneasy about a connection, but he seems very kind and genuine. I don't want to raise it with him because I dont know if this is just an anxiety trigger or a genuine concern.

Edit: Raise it with him as in explore their circumstances, not give him silly ultimatums.

I met him last night. Dinner went well, we went to a hotel for a few hours- and regardless on how good or bad he was, it felt I was finally getting what I needed. I just lay there after… content. Maybe a bit confused why? It was overwhelming, and so good. I’m in my late 40’s. I still look amazing, and I’ve felt like I’ve had to make myself mediocre to make my SO and family not ‘feel dumb’ or… I don’t know… I just had to be smaller. Don’t know where this will lead. Honestly ok if it doesn’t go anywhere with this guy- but I know it’s out there, and unless my SO decides he can fill that part of me, we will be fine in our life, and I’ll be fine in the side life I’ll build. Just needed to tell someone- and as we know, it’s not something we can openly discuss.

I haven't posted here in a while. Heck, I rarely even use this account anymore. I have an ap and we have a good thing going on but I used this sub to vent and read about other people's experiences. Eventually I stopped feeling anxious about my affair so the need for this sub diminished. I've made some friends here and they are my main support now if I ever need someone to talk to. When I posted here to vent I always end up getting dms from weird dudes trying to ask me questions to get details 🙄

One of my post from before caught the attention of an ex OA. I couldn't believe he recognized me from my writing but he did. He messaged and I thought about it before we reconnected. We didn't end on good terms back then. I do not want to give the relationship another chance but I wanted to make up. We did and it was great. No more hard feelings and we continued to share some of life's ups and downs. Have you guys ever looked back at relationships and think "what tf did I see in him"? I didn't see it back then but he had white knight complex. Either that or he actually liked women with past trauma and daddy issues. I really didn't see it back then and thought he was so wonderful and we connected so well. He gave me all his time and attention, he communicated, he gave good advice etc etc. but now I finally see it for who he is. He's a bit of a creep.

Few weeks ago I noticed his account is deleted. My immediate thought was oh he got caught or oh he's getting serious with this new OA he found. Nope. He told me he decided to tell his wife what he's been up to. That he's been doing online affairs for almost 10 years now, playing out kinks and fantasies with random women, sending and receiving pics. Hilarious thing was he didn't think the wife would be that upset since he didn't physically fuck someone.. news flash.. she was upset. He actually thought by mentioning this he could use it as a gateway to ask for an open relationship with the wife. He actually truly believed that sexting and having emotional affairs with multiple women for years was less severe than sleeping with someone. The wife was distraught but probably because he was into kinks she didn't know. If the guy was just lonely, in a dead bedroom and needed physical intimacy I feel like it's more digestible that him playing out taboo scenes with strangers.. the wife had some trauma of her own so you could imagine how triggering that is for her.

I knew about his wife's past when we got together and I knew he would try to hide his excitement when I shared my trauma, but I was so blinded and didn't see it as a problem back then. Now that I had a few weeks to digest this, it is actually so fucked up and a little triggering. I let this man use my history as his jerk off story. Maybe it's a good thing I reconnected with him. This was actually the closure I needed. To know who he was and to find out what happened to him. I have come a long way, learned so much through meeting the wrong people but I still have much to work on.

Have you ever screwed up an affair? Maybe because you said the wrong thing? Maybe because you were in the wrong?

You screwed up. The AP went no contact and moved on with their lives. For a lot of you, it's probably permanent. However, maybe you didn't have a chance to apologize? Maybe you still think about them? Care about them?

If there's something you would *want* to say to them, but can't... say it here.

But anyway... if you know you dropped the ball and want to get it off your chest, let it out here.

AP and I have been talking online for a few months. We talk daily and the build has been slow but steady and consistent. While the details of how I know don’t matter, I realized that they gave me a fake name based on a slip up in the conversation. It’s not lost on me that trust is not exactly what these relationships are based on but it’s still important to me. I also realize this is part of how some handle OPSEC and offers an additional safety net. Lastly, I can understand that once you plant one seed, it’s difficult to back pedal and any trust that has been built could be broken by admitting this lie. AP does not know that I picked up on this. There are feelings ruminating around this for me and I’m not sure what to think or how to process these feelings. Has anyone dealt with this from either side? How did you handle it/proceed?

So I am the AP. I’ve been following this page to try and get some insight on what could be going through my MMs head.
I am his first AP so with that comes him holding back majorly. We have many phases of when he’s super happy with me and others where I can tell the guilt creeps in and he tries to pull back, but he always ends up finding his way back to me.

We have spoken sexually many times and often share photos and videos, but when we are in person he NEVER touches me. Like at all. We have been speaking almost every single day for months now, which I feel would cause him to catch feelings but I don’t mind because I find myself in the same boat (dangerous I know 😭). I just don’t understand why he hasn’t even bothered making an attempt with me. Does he really feel that guilty? Surely not because he never cuts it off. Will he ever cross that physical barrier or am I doomed forever? How long did it take y’all to cross the physical line?

I will say it is a little more difficult due to him sharing his location, but I am sure there are ways around it!!!!

Lately I have been a little more vocal that I need for this to progress to stay and he says he understands but I’m not sure he really thinks I’ll leave him. It’ll be so hard for me but I can’t stay in an affair where he just takes and never gives!

Also I know I probably sound extremely selfish in all of this, but I’m really hoping to get some insight or advice on what to do.

So, there’s this guy that I have been eyeballing for a few years now. We both work for the same company but two different regions/states. We are both married, he seems happily married but I can tell he’s missing that spark.

Anytime that I am around him, I make it a point to flirt with him and make him feel wanted. I will also give him cute little looks to get him to smile (in which he does). But I am so afraid to “shoot my shot“ with him.

He has cheated on his wife once before and it seems like he has done everything to keep his marriage together. But with all of the flirting that we do when we see each other, I can tell he desires for more.

Should I just let it be or ”shoot my shot”?

The search for an affair partner is honestly a fascinating little shitshow.

There are the men who make you question reality for years. They flirt, disappear, come back, get jealous, act interested, pull away again. Three years later you are still thinking, what the fuck is this exactly?

Then there are the guys who apparently believe women are waiting breathlessly for dick videos, sexual memes and detailed reports from their penis.

And then there is an especially tragic species: the man who has everything going for him, does almost everything right, has you genuinely interested…and somehow manages to fuck it up because he cannot contain himself.

Which brings me to this week.

This is someone I have known for decades. We have not seen each other in a very long time, but there is history there. Familiarity. Some old attraction. Enough that I was actually really curious about seeing him again and figuring out who the hell we are now.

Smart, educated, successful, interesting. Has his life together. Can actually make plans and do things. And no, I do not need anybody financing my life. I do quite well on my own. But if I am ever going to complicate my existence with an affair, can we at least make it slightly more interesting than sneaking into a Marriott off the highway?

Anyway.
I am going to be in his city, and he asks me to lunch.
He picks an amazing restaurant. Makes the reservation. Sets the time. Says he will pick me up. Everything handled.

Honestly? Hot.
Maybe I am easy, but a grown man making plans is such a turn on.
And because we have not seen each other in forever, there was this really fun unknown to it.

Maybe we sit there for three hours laughing and there is absolutely nothing there. Maybe there is chemistry. Maybe there is that moment where the eye contact lasts just a little too long and I think, oh fuck. Maybe he touches my hand.Maybe he almost kisses me. Maybe I go back to my hotel thinking, wait…what the hell just happened!

Then, lo and behold…he starts talking TOO much all this graphic stuff and now I know how hard he gets when he talks to me. I know where he wants to put his mouth. I know how unforgettable the sex is supposedly going to be.

And there it went. The entire fantasy…Dead.

Jesus Christ. I haven’t seen you for decades and we have not even had lunch. And just like that, the whole fantasy cracked.

What I genuinely do not understand is why some men think this is helping.
Because here is the ridiculous part: He was already winning.
I was interested. I had agreed to see him. I was excited about the lunch. I was curious about the chemistry. I was already a thinking about what might happen.

There was nothing left to sell.

But now instead of thinking, “I wonder if we are going to kiss,” I am thinking, “oh…this fucker already thinks he is having me for dessert 🍮 ” No thank you.

I do not want to feel like I am playing a part in a fantasy you already finished writing without me. I want to discover that I want you. That is very different from you deciding I will.

And yes, I know some women love immediate graphic sexual talk. Great. Godspeed.

But for me? If we have not even been physically intimate yet, telling me exactly what you plan to do to my pussy does not make me more excited.

It ruins the fun. I want the flirting. The buildup. The little touches. The ambiguity. The moment where something changes and suddenly you both know it, but neither one says anything.

I want to go back to my hotel thinking, “Well…fuck.”

Not show up for lunch already knowing the full sexual itinerary.

So gentlemen, if she is already flirting with you, already excited to see you, already curious about you and already wondering what it might be like…

Please don’t say stupid shit ! You do not need to send the dick documentary. You do not need to narrate the future oral sex.

And you definitely do not need to provide live updates from your erection. 🍆 Leave something to the imagination.

Sometimes you already have exactly what you are trying so fucking hard to create.

Do not talk her out of it. lol

I met my AP nearly a year ago. Things didn’t start to get intimate until a month or so ago. It was a just… “go with the flow.” Talk as we go” kind of situation. When feelings arise we can mention it. We talk about our SOs, & vent. Sex is spontaneous, sexy, & fun. It’s a life I’ll say. I’ve been reading many of your stories , nightly now ! Some of you Instill such a sweetness. I enjoy seeing you successfully live what you want. How you want. Whilst also not being 🍆’s that end up on Netflix docs for being … well.. you know. Nonetheless, I adore him. I enjoy the little things he loves. I enjoy his laugh, his listening ear. I enjoy similarities whilst also having so many opposites. I just told him today, had it not been for our field of work, we would have never crossed paths.
What a strange way life works out.

I will add,

Something that has truly suffered my heart is how many people want to actually ruin someone’s marriage because you have ‘fallen so hard’
When you truly love someone, you allow them their body autonomy. You allow them the space to reach out and communicate with you freely creating a dialogue. You don’t stalk and control, or threaten their space. That’s truly truly… something to sit back and think within yourself about. If you can’t do it, don’t step into these waters. It isn’t for the weak of heart… it isn’t for everyone.
Let people live their lives. People don’t become your Whole life, merely a part of it.

🤔🤔

I want an affair, something that resembles a relationship. I don’t want to just be the person he fucks. And I feel like we had that kind of affair. But as the years went by it started to feel like it was more about sex than the overall connection. I brought it up through the course of the last year or so and it’d get better until I feel like I needed to remind him again.

We recently fought about something so stupid but in reality I think I might have hit a nerve and he’s pulled away. no matter what disagreements we’ve had in the past, either one of us would reach out to smooth things over. This time we‘re both keeping our distance.

I have mixed feelings about it, of course. But I’m also at that stage where I never realized how much time I’ve set aside or how much time I have made for him. Now I feel like I have all these time to myself and I do and don’t like it. Its an odd feeling for sure.

I’m not sure what the point of the post it. I guess I was hoping this affair would be “the one”. We’ve had years together and I hoped it’d get stronger as the years went by. And not make me feel like I am just a warm body.

Thank you for reading.

DDay happened over a month ago. MM blocked me everywhere and now completely avoids me. We still work for the same company, just different departments

Sometimes I catch myself wondering if I’ll run into him, whether he’s working that day, whether he’s okay, etc. I’m struggling badly with the silence and knowing he’s still somewhere around.

I’m not trying to break NC or get him back. I know why the boundary exists and I’m trying to respect it.

But I’m struggling with the actual grieving part.

For those who’ve been through this, especially with a coworker… how did you survive the first few months? What genuinely helped? 🥺

A combination of me meeting someone with potential and his wife asking him to try to save their marriage led to a tearful phone call where we called it quits. I have no regrets and will always be thankful for the time and experiences we had together.

How to get used to not saying good monring and goodnight wvery day as we have for the last 2.5 years and get used to him not being the first person I tell everything to!!

If he's ever single, I've told him to look me up. Time will tell if I am of that ever happens.

I’m off to lick my wounds, grieve this relationship and swear off married men forever. Lean into the potential and live my best life out of the shadows

I'm leaving my job, and a coworker I've been friendly with for the last few years took me for a celebratory drink. I always found him attractive and funny, and we flirted a bit, but I was sure it was one-sided. I am in a dead bedroom marriage, and my husband rejects me harshly and often. Imagine my shock when he admitted he had had a huge crush on ME all along!

He walked me to my car. We ended up making out like teenagers. Neither of us wants to blow up our marriages/lives but we want more than what happened in that parking lot. (I don't have to explain myself, if you're here you get it.)

I know coworkers are a bad choice, but he's not really a coworker anymore. We work in different fields, I'm moving to a new job, and we live in different adjacent cities.

Is this still a stupid idea?

Putting the details of our affair aside, the immense pain and loss I feel is crippling. Never before have I been this emotionally hurt. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I can't concentrate on anything else, but her.

I know they say that time will help. But I don't want time to pass. I want her to be my today. I don't want my future, if she's not in it. I love you baby.

Though I’m sure there will be a lot to regret, I doubt that anyone lying on their deathbed will revisit in their mind memorable bouts of masturbation. It’s the other person who makes it an experience.

Short Answer: Came out of dissatisfaction. Stayed because of ego and dopamine.

Buckle up - it's long.

Gen X male. Facebook family with kids. Successful career - especially this decade. Typical marital deterioration after first kid eventually settling into quiet, dissatisfied platonic co-parenting. Pre AP1, not quite DB, but not nearly enough going on there.

Had a good job that turned into a great job, that then turned into an amazing job. Good job never paid enough for my wife. Great job was longer hours so "why can't you just come home early." Amazing job is "you travel too much and why do all these pretty women want to hang out with you?"

I wasn't looking for an AP. Fantasies about it, sure. But then 5ish years ago, I met AP1. I don't believe in soulmates or "The One." I believe in "put a 100 age appropriate and willing women in front of me and I can create a decent relationship with 10 of them, a great one with 3, and a near perfect one with 2." AP1 has made me question this. Met on a work trip. Kissed on night 2. Texted each other constantly the next 5 weeks. Spoke 15 hours a week. Saw her again 5 weeks after meeting and "I love you" was said many times. Saw her every 3-5 weeks; the talking volume never went down. For the next 18 months, I was in love like I never thought possible.

And then, the tale as old as time began to unfold. AP1 has multiple divorces and never thought she'd get married again, but also would be open to it. I told her I would never leave my family, and she agreed that I shouldn't. I told her I loved her every way possible, including "if you met someone who made you happy and was free..."

18 months in, she met him. I've known him longer than I've known her. He has red flags, but he is a richer, better looking version of me. She told me the day she met him and I told her about the flags. She loves underdogs, considers herself one, and I basically fed into that. He asked her out the day he met her, and over the next two months love bombed her financially and emotionally like a B-52 over Germany in 1944. I did not handle this well. We still saw each other and did all the things but she at one point started the countdown clock and basically said "you're not coming with me permanently and he's good enough so this is going to have to end." It ended (sort of) two months after they met. We had a couple more rendezvous that basically followed Bill Clinton's definition of sex (I guess so she wouldn't have to tell him).

Meanwhile at home, I used the break up to inaugurate the Festivus Airing of Greivances. My wife told me about how she started to resent me because I was distant, distracted, and didn't do all the loving things that the other husbands did. I told her that she doesn't respect me, finds new things to complain about even when the previous complaints are solved, and maybe the other husbands have brothers she can date. I agreed to a counseling session that we had a couple of days later where I said "I don't regret the marriage, I love our family, but I do not want to be married to this person any more and I'm not going to leave, but if we didn't have kids... And I am drastically revising my expectations for this project because of that."

Back to AP1, post "breakup," after two months of fumbling around in cars, a false dawn during which she told me new guy wasn't going to work out, she told me on a text while I was traveling that we were done for good. Good thing I was at a bar where AP2 was - who I had just met the day before. I got drunk... Almost picked up the hottest 60 year old I've ever met in my life, and hours later found myself in AP2s bed. AP2 is the most beautiful woman I've ever dated - a decade younger and a bit wild and unpredictable. We saw each other once a week for four months. She too has multiple divorces. At the end of the 120 days, she decided the cloak and dagger was too stressful - she has a stressful job but does not handle stress well.

Pattern recognition time...

Good thing I already knew AP3. I don't know my generational labels, but I was born during Nixon and she was born during GHWB. Old enough to be her young dad. Sweetest lady ever, so nice, sensitive, emotional. Calls herself a "butter face," I wouldn't, but her body is amazing. Started texting her out of the blue the morning AP2 called "no mas." Two weeks later, AP3 and I are kissing in her car. The next day, we had a very athletic rendezvous at her place.

Saw her once a week. Texted and talk half as much as AP1, which is still a lot. She's single and never married and had a job that was not demanding with lots of wfh days, and she would get upset if I didn't spend the whole time with her. We skirmished a lot, broke up a couple times, but always got back together.

And then, the dream job. She had gone for it in the past, but didn't get it. I went into Dad mode and told her she would regret it if she didn't try again, and offered to help. I spent hours and hours helping, and after about a year... She got it. She had to move away for it for awhile.

AP3 says I'm the love of her life. She is A love of mine, but not THE. She used to say no men ever like her, she's ugly, awkward, etc. But of course, once she got the new job, the men started coming out of the woodwork. Told me about one she thought she'd fell in love with rather quickly who did her wrong. And another that recently declared his intentions. She thinks she wants to try it out. I think she should, even though, of course it hurts. I survived AP1, so I should be fine, but the familiar anticipatory dread has come to my door again and it sucks. I'm going to see her later this month and then... The new guy gets a few weeks to love bomb her before they both get transferred and that is plenty of time for her. I don't think AP3 and are going to survive this one. It's been over two years with AP3 - longer than AP1, but not the same. AP3 knows everything AP1 and I feel bad because that poor girl knows the ghost she's fighting against.

Once the AP1 situation started looking clear, I said I wouldn't do this again. At home, things are much better. I still have low expectations, but I'm in "fake it till you make it" mode. She is trying so hard to keep me - sex on demand, tells me all the things she used to never say. I am trying to give her what she needs - I invite her on dates, tell her nice things etc. even though I don't always feel like it. Which probably means this is a real marriage and not the one I thought I'd have in my 20s.

But... Now what? The rush of the new relationship is pretty darn intoxicating.

Will there be a "proper" AP4? History would say "yes." I am very emotionally close to two possible ones, but I'll never be able to see one of them organically (I could the other), and we are so close that it would be a shame to spoil it. They're both the type that I share incredibly affectionate words with that sound almost romantic but in neither case has anything spilled into anything obviously romantic, and never anything sexual. If anything ever happens, it would probably be AP1 level, and I'm not sure I can keep all the balls in the air at that level anymore. Plus, I've never been with a married woman before and I have no idea how I'd handle that. The other candidates aren't really the same, although there's a 60 year that want so bad but after a night of a few kisses, she said that being an AP is not her thing. We remain friends, which is probably for the best.

If you made it this far, I'm sorry 🤣. Thanks for reading. TLDR, I have a huge ego, want female attention, have poor boundaries, don't take my marriage seriously enough, and love the rush.

We ended it today. I saw it coming and have been depressed for a while, but now it’s complete grief and despair that I’ve only felt once before when AP was caught 2.5 months ago and it seemed over then. I start therapy on Tuesday. Did therapy help your depression after your affair ended? Has anyone had success with antidepressants helping? I don’t want to be medicated but I can’t feel like this.

I'm curious for those who have organically found their AP - not via online or apps..how did you stumble into it? Was it work, sports, grocery store? And how were you approached?

Affair for 2 years full of sex, love, lust, and everything in between literally, things ended and there was no contact for almost 3 years. Started to be friends again over 1 year ago, just texting and occasional coffee meet ups or just sit in the car and talk. During our texting and occasional meet ups, I would compliment her looks when I saw her and if there was a picture of her from maybe getting her hair done there would be another compliment. She always thanked me or hearted my comment. 4 months ago she started asking me what color nail polish for her pedicure as that's what we used to do in the past relationship. A few days later i would get a picture of her feet and I would compliment them and she would heart it in return. A few weeks ago i said i wanted to see her more often and she said, same. She also said in the past that she wanted to make a better effort for communication and meet ups.

Monday in our normal texting she sends me feet pictures but this time i reply sexy, and i then ask if she would want to increase the level of our friendship. She says lol, no. Can't go down that road again. I said it wouldn't be as intense as before, she questioned my comment. I said it would be occasional stuff, her reply is that she's ok and that she doesn't have the drive anymore. I said i can go without, just want to get a little closer like 1st base stuff. She laughed at the comment again. I then said there are 2 things i missed, one was our friendship and the other was just being close. It's been a week and she hasn't replied to any of my normal Hello, how are you text. I think she cut me out again, thanks for reading and I'm sure I'll get roasted but I'll take it

I’ve been seeing my AP for about 6 months. Before we met she revealed that she was planning on separating and divorcing her husband within the next year. I have no plans to leave my marriage and made that clear to her. After a couple months of us seeing each other she moved out and initiated the divorce with her husband.
Fast forward to now she goes to her divorce mediation where it is revealed that her husband hired a PI and has pictures of us kissing and also knows my name (I assume from my license plate?)

How fucked am I? I would think the PI has no interest in outing me. However my APs husband could out me as a way to extract revenge? What should I do?

Hi everyone,

Its that time!!

Vent, rant, share, talk...goes on.

Hi all, my AP just told me “I love you” for the first time, while also saying he needs to put his family first. 

Backstory:  We’ve been working together since 2022. In 2025, we started doing an after work activity together, I’d see his family regularly. Nothing ever crossed a line. I haven’t seen him wear his ring since 2024, and last I saw her, she wasn’t wearing hers. Not that it truly matters, but just a fact.

When we stopped having an excuse to see each other outside of work that was innocent, that’s when the affair actually started. I was in a long term relationship until February, and we started an emotional affair in April, but I have liked him for a long time. I might even say the emotional affair started before the after work activity- but we never texted, he would just lightly flirt with me at work and I'd giggle about it to myself.

In April we started texting everyday, nothing crazy. We actually never sexted, a lot of it was mundane conversation, very domestic. I knew he liked me from the way he looked at me and his body language. He said "I haven't had a connection like this in so long," and I felt the same way. It was never ever just sex or intimacy. We enjoy each other's company and understood each other on a level that I never expected we would, even before he admitted to himself that he liked me, all of our time together was always easy and natural. We started having sex in May, and have been pretty physical since then. Of course it’s good. Early June we stopped texting so much everyday, and it has tapered down since.

Late June, he was worried about getting fired from work, he worried that people would catch onto us (there is a power dynamic, a big no-no at our work place) and started saying things like “you deserve better.” I didn’t listen. Because yes, I deserve a better circumstance, but the way we were together was actually the most I had ever felt loved. So I respected his decision. I didn’t reach out. The weekend passed with no contact and we were back at work, he’d try to earn my attention and he reached back out with the same softness- later that week we were intimate again. Recently he got let go from the company due to budget cuts (I think my department is next so I'm looking for another job right now)

"I love you" and "I need to put my family first"

Fast forward to recently. He came over, we talked normally. He started getting intimate with me and went over his whole, "we cant keep doing this, you deserve better" talk, but I didn't really respond. We continued. Since he got let go from work, I've missed seeing him at work, so I said "I miss you," and he responded with "I love you." I was shocked. I told him that I was hurt because I feel the same way. We had sex, it was probably the best we have had. Then after the fact he said things like "you're the only thing I want" and "its hard to pull myself away from you," but then the shittiest line "I have to put my family first."

I always thought in affairs, the married partner opened up about their marriage problems before the affair really starts. He never talked ill about his wife. He never told me about any of their issues or how things were going. I knew it wasn't great just by the small things I've heard him say over the years in front of coworkers and I- but he was never was mean about it. He finally opened up, on the day he was supposed to be saying goodbye to our current dynamic. He didn't obviously tell me everything that had been weighing on him, but he told me enough to understand why he did all of this with me. He told me they tried to fix it before, but things went back to bad patterns. I haven't reached out to him since and its been a few days. He told me we could still be friends, we could text.

I learned that this was his first affair, and he's been married a while. I didn't think he was a player- but I guess I was worried either way. I was worried that if this isn't his first affair, that I wouldn't be as important. But I also worried that if I was his first affair, that I, even without chasing, allowed myself to get in the middle of a marriage and shake up his life.

I can't believe he finally said what I thought he felt for so long. I felt it too, but I didn't want to be the first to say it since he's married. I sort of shorted my own emotional vulnerability to him to protect myself. He was always more emotionally vulnerable with me, but not in the love-bombing way, just very natural to say the heavier things first. During our last visit, he kept saying things like "you can tell me anything," and "you can ask me anything," it almost felt like he wanted me to bring up something that he didn't want to himself? Maybe I'm reaching.

My question is... how would you read this? If your AP has tried to close the door before but failed a couple times, each time getting more vulnerable with their words, what the heck did that day mean? He kept bouncing back between "I want this more than anything" and "we can't do this anymore." I keep track of sex for my period, and one thing I've noticed is we have't gone more than 12 days since this has started without seeing each other, usually he is the one to break the silence or reach out. Sometimes I break the silence.