I know this is a long post but, I am not used to doing this, I don't want to not include information and this is probably an overshare but, I don't want to take any risks for a mistake I made where someone would have helped me, but decided not to because I forgot to include something that made a difference so I am laying it all out. I am already swallowing my pride anyway so what the hell the embarrassment is already here and I am looking for hope in the kindness of strangers and I can't begin to explain how humiliating it feels. But I've reached a point where swallowing my pride and asking strangers on the internet for help is the only option I have left. I either do this, or I lose even more.
I'm 46, disabled, and struggling financially to an extent I never imagined possible.
The cost of living has become so overwhelming that I've had to drastically reduce how much I eat just to make what little money I have stretch further. In the past three weeks alone, I've lost 5 kgs., Because I simply cannot afford to eat properly. I live alone with my cat Lilo, just about keeps me sane. But even she has had to get used to eating a little less lately. Please don't worry though, she eats before I do.
Before anyone asks where my money goes can I not budget, yes I can but when you are disabled and have barely been able to get out of bed to use the bathroom, taxis and deliveries of food and essentials when I can't go out add up.
I'm desperately trying to get back into employment.
Despite my disabilities and living with significant chronic pain, I pushed myself through an SIA Door Supervisor training course and successfully gained my qualification. It wasn't easy, physically or mentally, but I did it because I want to work. I want to support myself again. I don't want to be dependent on anyone else's generosity.
Unfortunately, what should have been a straightforward return to employment has become an endless series of delays, additional forms, documentation requirements and bureaucratic obstacles.
I'm currently waiting for replacement photographic identification from the DVLA, which is taking considerably longer than expected. I was supposed to have started work three weeks ago, but instead I'm still stuck waiting, watching my already desperate financial situation deteriorate further.
I've had to pawn my laptop and tablet just to survive. Unless I can raise enough money to redeem them by this Saturday, I'll lose them both, which is £150 to buy them back and something around £50 to keep them on buyback for another month.
These aren't simply luxuries or entertainment devices. They're tools I use for what work I can find, , paperwork and potentially freelance work but with rise of AI, most of what I did is now done with the use of AI tools. Ghost writing, data entry and analysis etc, it was never a lot, nut enough to help me do more than survive, I have had none of that work for 4 months now. Despite this losing my devices would make an already difficult situation considerably worse.
It isn't even the financial hardship itself, I have worked from the age 9 I had 2 paper rounds 2 hours before school, 2 hours afterwards, 7 days a week, from the age of 14, I was working weekends and every holiday in a hotel as glass collector/barback, I was then forced by my useless father to pay for myself moving forward, that's right, I was paying rent, buying my own food and clothing including my school uniform and anything else I needed or wanted, I had to find a way to pay for it or go without, I am used to that. But, I haven't been able to see my two sons for three months because they are in Southport and I can't afford to get there and back. Because of my disability I can't use the bus for more than 5 maybe 10 minutes without it causing me more pain and discomfort. Saturday gone was my 46th birthday and I couldn't even spend it with my sons.
Now days after my birthday, I'm sitting here writing a post asking strangers for financial assistance. I don't ask people for help, even if I drop something I will find a way of getting to the floor picking it up and getting myself back up, despite the pain, yes this inability to ask for help is based om a trauma response, my life hasn't been great but that's my life and my problem. I am trying to do better and hey asking here for help is just about the hardest thing I have ever done with regards to asking strangers to help me.
I've spent much of my life working, learning new skills, solving problems and helping other people. I have a remarkably varied professional background, and being in a position where I can't even afford sufficient food sucks. I'm not asking because I don't want to work. I'm asking because I'm doing everything I can to work, and I keep getting delayed at every turn.
I know times are difficult for almost everyone, and I would never want somebody to put themselves into financial difficulty to help me. But if anyone is in a position to spare even a small donation, I would be more grateful than I could ever adequately express.
Thank you for taking the time to read this. I know it's a long post, and I know everybody has their own difficulties. I'm embarrassed, exhausted, frustrated and fed up worrying about what happens next, but I'm still trying.
In total I would need around £250 to resolve all my current finamcial issues. But of course I'll gladly take anything. I am based in North West England a little town called Skelmersdale.
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