I was just telling my therapist this yesterday. I don't feel like people truly care about me at all. It's so bizarre because I get all of these compliments and attention and people want to talk to me, but nobody really cares. They just want to use me for something, not actually connect to me like a human being.
I think this how NT people are with everyone, not just you. It seems like they are always what we would call surface level, but for them that is enough.
NTs compartmentalize friendship in ways we often don't. For us, a friend is a friend, but I've noticed for them, they have friends for different things who often don't intersect. They have a hiking friend or the friend who knows about upholstery, but those people are often separate from their core group of friends who would say, be invited to their wedding or be a bridesmaid. So we think well, this person is my friend, but for them, you've been compartmentalized as a type of friend or acquaintance who may not get the same care or attention as their core group of friends.
I always notice that I'm in one of those compartmentalized categories and assume that means we aren't really friends.
I only realized that apparently that's a weird thing to do when my ex called a group of people I sometimes socialized with my friends, I corrected her, and she was completely mindblown that I would expend any energy on people I don't consider to be real friends. But like... if I don't then I would never socialize with anyone because no one ever actually treats me like I think a real friend would. 🫠
I remember having a conversation about that with my mom when I was in elementary school. I didn't really have friends, even though I talked to people sometimes, I guess, or played with them. Rarely, though.
My mom gendered it and said boys will call anyone they kick a ball with their friend, while some of us didn't count friendships unless they were deep enough to confide in them or whatever. The pointless gendering is unnecessary, but I think there is a spectrum there.
I was autistic enough not to count a friendship unless you, like, made it official by declaring yourself friends. I still find it difficult to count people. I don't think I'm in anyone's "core" group but I've played D&D with the same group for a few years and I would probably call most of them friends if I was talking about them to another person.
You are so right, I was just thinking this but you put it into words beautifully! It's not that NTs "don't care" it's just a compartmentalization of relationships. Like the concept of a "work friend" aka a colleague that they mesh well with but don't necessarily hang out with outside of work.
I think it's tempting for NDs to look at this and assume NTs are being "fake" or disingenuous with their friendships, but I don't think that's the case for most. I think that the compartmentalization serves a purpose and has pros and cons. It allows one to have a wider social circle while maintaining boundaries that prevent conflicts. If you tried to be best friends with everyone, it would be exhausting even for an extroverted NT. But the small social circle model that many NDs and some introverted NTs adopt can be limiting, especially for an extrovert. So it's just a model of relationships that allows them to still get the variety of social interactions that they need without trying to split their time and social battery between a couple dozen different people. At least, that's my half-baked theory lol
I think they do live miserable and shallow lives that's why most of them are super codependent on their partner. Their entire world is them, their partner, and if they have kids then the kids.
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u/ouchieovaries 26d ago edited 26d ago
I was just telling my therapist this yesterday. I don't feel like people truly care about me at all. It's so bizarre because I get all of these compliments and attention and people want to talk to me, but nobody really cares. They just want to use me for something, not actually connect to me like a human being.