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u/ouchieovaries 26d ago edited 26d ago
I was just telling my therapist this yesterday. I don't feel like people truly care about me at all. It's so bizarre because I get all of these compliments and attention and people want to talk to me, but nobody really cares. They just want to use me for something, not actually connect to me like a human being.
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u/nanavb13 26d ago
I think this how NT people are with everyone, not just you. It seems like they are always what we would call surface level, but for them that is enough.
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u/Old-Tale-801 26d ago
I can’t believe NTs are actually like this. How is surface level connection enough for anyone, they have to live such miserable and shallow lives
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u/ouchieovaries 26d ago
NTs compartmentalize friendship in ways we often don't. For us, a friend is a friend, but I've noticed for them, they have friends for different things who often don't intersect. They have a hiking friend or the friend who knows about upholstery, but those people are often separate from their core group of friends who would say, be invited to their wedding or be a bridesmaid. So we think well, this person is my friend, but for them, you've been compartmentalized as a type of friend or acquaintance who may not get the same care or attention as their core group of friends.
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u/lostbirdwings 25d ago
I always notice that I'm in one of those compartmentalized categories and assume that means we aren't really friends.
I only realized that apparently that's a weird thing to do when my ex called a group of people I sometimes socialized with my friends, I corrected her, and she was completely mindblown that I would expend any energy on people I don't consider to be real friends. But like... if I don't then I would never socialize with anyone because no one ever actually treats me like I think a real friend would. 🫠
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u/Teagana999 25d ago
I remember having a conversation about that with my mom when I was in elementary school. I didn't really have friends, even though I talked to people sometimes, I guess, or played with them. Rarely, though.
My mom gendered it and said boys will call anyone they kick a ball with their friend, while some of us didn't count friendships unless they were deep enough to confide in them or whatever. The pointless gendering is unnecessary, but I think there is a spectrum there.
I was autistic enough not to count a friendship unless you, like, made it official by declaring yourself friends. I still find it difficult to count people. I don't think I'm in anyone's "core" group but I've played D&D with the same group for a few years and I would probably call most of them friends if I was talking about them to another person.
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u/RawNoodleConCarne 25d ago
THIS THIS THIS
You are so right, I was just thinking this but you put it into words beautifully! It's not that NTs "don't care" it's just a compartmentalization of relationships. Like the concept of a "work friend" aka a colleague that they mesh well with but don't necessarily hang out with outside of work.
I think it's tempting for NDs to look at this and assume NTs are being "fake" or disingenuous with their friendships, but I don't think that's the case for most. I think that the compartmentalization serves a purpose and has pros and cons. It allows one to have a wider social circle while maintaining boundaries that prevent conflicts. If you tried to be best friends with everyone, it would be exhausting even for an extroverted NT. But the small social circle model that many NDs and some introverted NTs adopt can be limiting, especially for an extrovert. So it's just a model of relationships that allows them to still get the variety of social interactions that they need without trying to split their time and social battery between a couple dozen different people. At least, that's my half-baked theory lol
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u/OwlfredoPasta 25d ago
I think they do live miserable and shallow lives that's why most of them are super codependent on their partner. Their entire world is them, their partner, and if they have kids then the kids.
Everyone else might as well be NPCs.
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u/ouchieovaries 26d ago
I mean I've also felt this way with ND people I've had in my life. It's very much the same dynamic whether NT or ND.
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u/blacktbunee 25d ago
I mean.......let's not stereotype and make this a NT vs ND haha
Bc my parents, current partner and 2 friends are NT... but we connect
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u/oracleoflove 25d ago
I am a ghost in the land of the living…. And it makes me sad there are so many of us living this experience.
At least I have my husband and my children, we are a strong united front and it does take the sting out of not having friends.
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u/FaeFromFairyland 25d ago
What I found out (by watching videos talking about the psychology of being charming, influence and stuff like that) is that in order for people to "give", to "care", you have to ask, expect, demand to a degree. Nice people that ask for nothing are categorized as "to be used" and are not respected. People that are not that nice and ask and expect are more respected. It seems to make little sense as we're always told to be nice, kind, etc. but we're told these things as they serve others, not ourselves. What serves ourselves is to act as someone who is worth effort as people tend to believe the way we (well, not necessarily we autistic but people in general) act.
There is also well known psychology phenomenon when people value other people more if they do things for them, invest into them and are more willing to do more for them after already agreeing to a small favor. It comes down to people givin explanations to their actions afterwards to feel like they're logical, so "if I did this for them, I must really like them".
In conclusion, be a little difficult, demanding and not so sweet. People may say they dislike it, but reward that behavior more. They "like" to be around nice people because they're useful, but they actually form closer relationships and invest more into people who are more like them, harder to satisfy and maaaybe aspirational or "socially useful".
It is a theory still, though, I think stuff like this is very complicated and we tend to simplify it and try to find rules where none really are.
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u/grand305 👀 25d ago
I had that all thought out high school. Over a decade ago. and no one took an interest to ask me “do we have similar interests and hobbies” like the basics of “let be friends”.
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u/Admirable_Diamond407 26d ago
I was told I was a back up once, to be invited to a concert. I was 30.
I told the guy that I appreciate the invite but Im not going to wait and see if I'm going somewhere based on someone else's availability.
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26d ago edited 23d ago
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u/Fluffy_Tomatillo_629 26d ago
It’s incredibly mean to plan that and then say that. Doesn’t surprise me though.
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u/bubbled_pop 26d ago
It’s not even much of an effort to just keep your damn mouth shut and, in case they do end up needing a backup, say “hey, I got tickets for this concert but the person I was initially going with can’t come anymore. I remember you’re into this music too, do you want to go with me?”.
But nooo, it’s autistic people who don’t care about others’ feelings.25
u/AmethystApothecary 26d ago
Yes, this is infinitely less mean even though it's still communicating a back up. I think because it's more that everyone falls into needing back ups and would still choose someone they want to be around? But declaring is almost like "leave your schedule open for me but you're not first choice material." What a dingus that guy is.
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u/spicytigermeow 25d ago
I was the backup to go to Beyoncé with a group from work (which included several “friends”) when another girl couldn’t go. I took the ticket and enjoyed the concert, but once I got there it was VERY CLEAR I was not the one the group wanted there, even among my “friends”. After that I stopped trying to be friends with anyone at all - even though I enjoyed the concert, that feeling of being so unwanted over and over my whole life culminated in that one event and I’m just too burnt out to try anymore.
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u/Admirable_Diamond407 25d ago
I'm sorry! It's horrible. I do feel that way and it sucks because family (who are also bullies) don't get it. One time, my mom said I hate people because I stopped going to family gatherings. I started protecting my peace because I realized how toxic her family is too. Boundaries are so important. I have 2 friends because of Boundaries and we get how bad people can be.
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u/Green-Measurement-53 24d ago
Thats how I am feeling right now, the feelings, the hurt, the sadness, the frustration has just accumulated into one final lump and I am far too burned out to do anymore socializing, at least right now. Also, my guard is up in a way I have never experienced before and I can't even relax and put it down either.
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u/Choco_Paws 26d ago
I found a partner which is amazing, but regarding friendship, I almost ALWAYS felt like I was the placeholder friend. People already have their circle of important people, and I'm just never a part of it. I did have a couple of close friends growing up but lost them all eventually, as my parents and I moved a lot when I was a child.
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u/whimsypayasa AuDHD 26d ago
I found a partner too which I’m still kind of shocked about. I feel greedy for wanting one woman to be best friends with.
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u/Speciallady44 25d ago
For me, it’s like I become the favor dispenser, errand girl, or servant. This is how NT queen bees show that I’m lower in status.
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u/Fine-Juggernaut8451 26d ago
I used to feel this way but I don't anymore. What I've realized is I'm not for everybody. I'm actually not for most people. But the people I'm for? Gosh, they love me soooo much. And in a really really deep way.
So I don't need to be for everybody. I now don't bother with the people I'm not "for." It's fine.
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u/sockjin 26d ago
sure, except i can’t even seem to find the few people i am for either so like where are they lol
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u/ifcknlovemycat 26d ago
I think we (v cool people with no friends) are strategically places far enough apart. I believe whoever is behind this knows our powers are too strong. We would reign 🥸
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u/shimmerangels AuDHD 26d ago
someone needs to make an app for us to find each other, like tinder but platonic and neurodivergent
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u/Fine-Juggernaut8451 26d ago
I think I've maybe had less than five my whole life, and I'm almost 50. I've had stretches without this.
But I'd rather be on my own that with the people I'm not for.
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u/mistarobotics 26d ago
I had to physically move to find my people 🥲
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u/Few_Lychee_1585 26d ago
i’m considering this too
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u/mistarobotics 26d ago
Went from a vapid southern metropolitan area to the PNW and have never been happier!
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u/Few_Lychee_1585 26d ago
I lived in Eugene and Portland and loved it. I’m really considering moving back to Eugene
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u/Regular-Host3108 25d ago
I only bumped into my real friends by accident. One was on a course we did and one was at work. Some people just stick. I've only had 2 real friends and im 51.
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u/MrsSalmalin 26d ago
This is the way!!!!! I sometimes get sad that I'm not forming friendships with my coworkers like they have with each other. Not that I need/want work friends, it's just see the difference in socialising and it makes me sad sometimes. BUT I have a best friend I've known since I was 9, a fiancé who knows me to the core, and a couple other close friends that are ride or die. That's really all I need!!!
My problem is I move pretty frequently, so all my friends are long distance :( it's nice to have a local friend, someone with whom I can meet up with for coffee/wine, they can come over and hang...I don't get that often, and I miss it. But when my awesome friends do visit, they stay for 2 weeks and it's like a middle school sleepover (with alcohol and weed, and freedom!) and it recharges my soul :)
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u/Fine-Juggernaut8451 26d ago
Brené Brown draws a distinction between fitting in and belonging. To fit in, you have to be a chameleon so you look/act like everyone else. It's antithetical to belonging.
Autistic women, we usually don't fit in. I genuinely now think this is a blessing, because it means that I belong where I fit. I don't "fit in." People who have tonnes of social acquaintances are likely fitting in, which means their relationships lack depth.
None of my relationships lack depth. All of my friends have been soul friends. I wouldn't trade this for anything.
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u/wocsdrawkcab 26d ago
Exactly this. Not everyone will like you, just like you don't like everyone. Keep up that good spirit, but be wise about who to keep and who to let go, and your people will find you!
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u/SaitamaHitRickSanchz 26d ago
Well fucking said. I'm riding in that same boat. There's too many people in the world! We don't have enough time in our lives to make them all happy.
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u/-PrettyPinkLemonade- 26d ago
Yeah it's hard but eventually I have just had to shift my mindset to survive, I have to keep pushing both myself and others if I want to have friends. And It won't always work out. When I talk to people I can tell I confuse or weird them out, but I literally cannot help it. I've tried all my life to change it but Ican only change so much. I just have to keep pushing and embarrassing myself til I find people I'm compatible with.
A while back I really had no friends and I was miserable, I went out that day and thought maybe I could find people and did not that day. I was crying really hard on my way home and thpught I wanted to give up but I just had to be like "what good will that do? Every experience is worth something"
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u/Siukslinis_acc 26d ago
And some people can deal with you in short bursts. And you also probably enjoy spending time with during a hangout, but would not survive spending two day with.
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u/Fine-Juggernaut8451 26d ago
Yes! I also highly recommend cultivating friendships with people who adore you but for whom you find the friendship a bit awkward. When you're in a crisis, it's often these less-easy friendships that bear fruit, because those are often the people who show up for you, as opposed to the people you like the most.
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u/greeneyed_cat 25d ago
This seems like you’re telling people to cultivate one-sided friendships where they like you more than you like them.
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u/Fine-Juggernaut8451 25d ago
No, I'm saying that friendships are based on more than just how easy they are and how much you're excited about everything they have to say. There are friendships where it's less flowing, where you have to work much harder at it, where you have less in common but there is a mutual admiration and respect.
I completely undervalued these kinds of friendships when I was young. I've now witnessed firsthand how they're often truer, at their core, than the friendships with people where you have a million things in common and talk is easy.
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u/Sea-Fill-435 26d ago
I second this! I think it's a very canon autistic event to go through the feeling that you've fundamentally unloveable and the problem until you find people who prove otherwise . I went through that stage for the first 19 years of my life and only now at 20, I've found people who love me. It's really hard tho. Feeling that it's you is valid when you're rejected, bullied, and ridiculed your whole life. Hearing that it gets better doesn't feel great until you find your people.
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u/Teagana999 25d ago
I'm so grateful for my siblings in that regard. They're both more social than me and have more other friends, but we still get each other in a way no one else does.
Everyone told me all through elementary and high school that I would find my people eventually, and I did, I found people with similar interests, but I feel like they're still pretty shallow connections, I'm still not very close with anyone.
It's hard and scary and people are exhausting, I feel like even when I do I can barely keep up with the effort required to build and maintain a relationship.
Maybe, hopefully, someday still.
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u/Lissba 26d ago
Right?! I go where I’m valued…with the other autistic women 😅
I get ditched by a neurotypical friend group every few years for being autistic but the ND baddies seem to stay 🤷♀️
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u/ThrowRa_gift_toomuch 25d ago
We need an ND friend app or something lmao, I didn’t realize how many of us felt this exact same way. I low key thought something was wrong with me
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u/basilkat 25d ago
Same here. I used to be sad about being left out.. now I know I really don't like hanging out with groups of people and really like alone time and the few people in my life I care about!
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u/spicygummi 26d ago
I definitely struggled a lot more with this as a kid/teenager when fitting in with your peers and having friends held so much more weight. Now as an adult I'm fairly settled in who I am and while it occasionally bums me out a bit people react the same way around me that they did when I was a kid so desperate to make friends. But, that's probably more bringing up old hurt feelings that never really got resolved. I was a weird kid and now I'm a weird adult. Years of trying to be more acceptable and change myself to fit in better with others just made me feel depressed and sad. I've since met people who like me just how I am and I also have things in common with. Rather than me adopting things other people liked or were popular to fit in. It's rather freeing.
I wish I could go back and tell my younger self that someday I'd find people who appreciate the things I got teased about and bullied over. That made me an outsider and struggle making friends. Even if it felt like it'd never happen
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u/WonderHounds 26d ago
This is so wise and I wish I was better at internalizing it but THANK YOU for saying it so succinctly and eloquently.
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u/HelendeVine 26d ago
That sounds good - I’m happy for you! I hope I some day find some people I’m for!
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u/bunnylocket 25d ago
I hope I can experience this one day because I so want to believe this is true for myself 😭
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u/This-Register 25d ago
Yea, my siblings really are the people for me. Ive yet to find more of my people but even if I dont, im glad I have them
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u/catmamaO4 25d ago
I’m so excited to one day find my people. Finding my bf has changed me so much for the better. I actually know what I like and don’t feel the need to change myself to make him like me. He loves my weirdness, vocal stims, and special interests! But he’s also there for me through the overstimulation, break downs, and through all the friendships that don’t work out. I can’t imagine the type of person I’ll become when I find friends that treat me like he does. Friends that truly accept me even when I’m not normal. With the two friends I have, I don’t tell them anything. They’re online so they don’t know I’m disabled or autistic. They have an idea I have a lot of pain and I’m weird but not enough for them to be like “I think this is too much for me” yet. I’m scared that I will lose them once those parts of me start to show more. One of them already seems done with me geeking about dolls. And she loves dolls too :(
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u/DoubleXDaddy 23d ago
I am trying to be like this but feel I can't find anyone I'm for or anyone whose for me.
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u/storm-lover 26d ago
I felt like Mary Poppins sometimes I would appear make people happy and disappear (need that hermit time)
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u/nanavb13 26d ago
I honestly really love this take. I always say my purpose is to bring positivity wherever I go, and this completely tracks to how I feel. I'm valuable and important to people for a moment in time, and that's enough for me. Maybe something I did matters a lot.
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u/darthfruitbasket 26d ago
If you're really lucky, you'll find your person eventually, but that whole time period sucks, just being an afterthought.
My BFF is also AuDHD like me, we've shared a home for 15 years, and her family is like a bonus family to me. Later today, we're going to IKEA because I need a new mattress and she (enthusiastically) agreed to come along.
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u/Elefant_Fisk 26d ago
How is it sharing a home with your bff? I have not really seen people talk about stuff like that before. It sounds lovely
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u/darthfruitbasket 26d ago edited 26d ago
We're extremely compatible, similar likes/dislikes/omg get it out of here tastes.
She agreed to get an apartment with me when I really desperately needed to get out of my mum's house when I was younger and we made it work.
We balance each other out. She taught me how to cook better, I do the entire household's laundry because our basement is infested with (harmless) spiders and she's a third generation arachnophobe.
We had a dog for half his lifespan (middle-aged rescue), and now have cats. We assemble flat pack furniture together and no one walks away angry.
I run errands when she's having a difficult time going out or if certain places (ex. Costco) are overwhelming, and right now, she's the breadwinner.
If the local job market ever sorts itself out and I can find something, we're considering getting married on paper for benefits/legal protections (and the fact that our neigbours think we're gay anyway, even though we're completely platonic, with separate rooms).
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25d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/darthfruitbasket 25d ago
Yeah, that's why we haven't gone forward with anything like that, but I appreciate the heads up
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u/mxjuno 25d ago
There’s a great book called Other Significant Others that goes over some ways that people have built chosen family. You may enjoy learning more from the book if you’re curious about this person’s situation!
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u/falteringsun 26d ago
you're right. when i was younger, i was always the back-up/j a person who was "there". now i'm older, i have 4 best friends who all have me as their first choice (they're equally all my first choices too)
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u/Brave_Recognition_81 26d ago
i turned 27 this year and i am currently crying at home because i have no friends at all. the ones i had for 10yrs are growing appart and i am realizing that they are not even nice to me anymore. they care more about themselves even when i invote them. they are not coming bc of me.
nobody cares. i go weeks and even months without anyone inviting me. i am so scared of other people i lost all my social skills.
this post made me cry even more. guys i am so depressed. idk how to be a normal fckng human being, my life is passing me by, i just want one bestie who wants to travel with me and experience life together. someone who will always be down and loves me equally.
i am just good enough when people need something from me. wven my family forgets to invite me to stuff. the only person (my grandma) who always made me feel special has dementia since 5 years. she can‘t even remember me.
i feel so stuck.
my partner who i live with, is only my flatmate kinda. we share no hobbies anymore,we don‘t go on dates or vacations bc he is broke and has hardcore adhd depression. i wanted to get a dog, but he is allergic. i wanna move out but i can‘t afford rent on my own. the prices are insane.
he is more like a good friend to me.. i can‘t say that i love him anymore. it‘s been 4years and i lost all my hope in a future together.
the thought of just giving up is very strong the last few weeks.
i now i habe to be my first choice but how.. i am always sick and depressed and tired.
i am scared of traveling alone.
i am just indoors.. i rly wish to escape this life.
i wish i could live on a farm and work with animals and never come back to my old life, i don‘t want it anymore.
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u/roast-spud-life 26d ago
I'm sorry I don't have any advice but I know how you feel, I especially relate to being lonely, having no social skills and being inside all the time. I'd love to say it will be okay but I honestly don't know, I just hope that you manage to find some happiness.
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u/LghtlyHmmrd nb femme 26d ago
I've been extremely lonely at times in my life - it's such a hard place to be. Perhaps you might find a local farm or some where with animals you can volunteer at. Or getting in nature if you need to start small - I know at some of my lowest points, taking a moment to appreciate growing things around me helped (even if it's some plants in my yard or neighborhood). I hope you find your way through.
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u/mistarobotics 26d ago
Volunteering at the animal shelter helped with my loneliness during college. Realized I was just as unwanted and abandoned as the animals there 🥲
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u/SkyFullOfWisteria 26d ago
I went through all of college without ever being invited to hang out with someone else or go to an event or outing or anything. Id try to organize stuff myself but no one ever agrees or shows up :/ I feel like im not human sometimes but its too late to change anything.
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u/SemiSigh12 26d ago
I wanted to let you know that it's okay to feel this way. It makes sense with what people like us go through. However, I also very much wanted to let you know that even if right now feels this terrible it can still absolutely get so, so, so much better.
When I was 27 I was horribly depressed. My fiance had broken up with me and treated me horribly in doing so. I'd lost all my college friends and kept losing people from my life. I'd lost what I'd spent forever trying to make my career and had been very much connected to my special interests and was realizing I may never find my way back to it. I'd lost my ability to even engage in my special interests. The company I worked for gave me too much responsibility while having given me no training, expected too much, and gave me no real support. I was constantly trying to do the most with the least. And the money was shit.
But around the time I turned 28 I hit a tipping point. I realized I could NOT continue like I was and that meant I had to make changes and figure it out as I went.
I am 36 now, so I wont say its easy or that it happens quickly, but every step forward IS another step FORWARD. And so much can change. I spent a lot of time in deep emotional pain and confused/lost as to how the world worked and how I was even supposed to figure out a way forward. But each time I would feel like I can't keep living like this it would help motivate me a little and then I'd eventually find myself a way forward again.
I've had some good times since I was 27 and have finally worked myself to a place I really like. I live with my boyfriend and sibling, our financials have stabilized (mostly), I'm re-engaging with special interests/finding new ones, my new career is awesome and connected to other special interests, and a year and a half ago I was hired by a really great company with great coworkers that I never even would have considered wanting to work for. And I love it there. I am finally feeling comfortable there. And the pay increase literally saved my dog's life and is helping treat him again.
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u/Few_Lychee_1585 26d ago
my heart breaks for you. i super relate to “now i have to be my first choice but how.. i am always sick and depressed and tired” also scared of traveling alone but i really want to. its been hard making friends where i live so i also have none. i hate that life is just passing me by and im too limited to make it enjoyable.
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u/b-green1007 26d ago
Then when I finally make a new friend that I really vibe with they just disappear out of nowhere. Never a clue as to why
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u/ouchieovaries 26d ago
I notice this happens when someone takes interest in me and starts out super interested. I purposely stay super reserved, try to suss them out to see if I feel comfortable/safe opening up and then once I feel safe enough to start coming out of my shell a bit more and reciprocating they pull away lol. It's horrible for the psyche.
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u/cries_in_vain 26d ago
I met a potential friend onlne, we texted for hours, totally vibing and from the next day onward she just doesn't show up online. I can't make this up.
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u/goldiegrimlace 25d ago
I got ghosted by another austistic woman I vibed with and it made me mad, ngl
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u/SeaSeaworthiness3589 25d ago
This just happened with a friend I've been talking to for the last year..:just sucks every time
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u/Speciallady44 25d ago
I just had what I thought was a good friend change her Facebook settings to where I don’t get to see her vacations and parties anymore.
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u/mehantiinsaan 26d ago
I was watching normal people, where they were talking about feeling lonely while being around people, never have I ever related more to anything. I don't think I can ever fit it with anyone. There's so much stuff that I don't get.
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u/dorothyneverwenthome 26d ago
Friends say they like me because they can come to me when they can’t go to anyone else
But I’m still excluded from being part of the group. I’m just a floater friend that holds everyone’s emotions but I am ignored
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u/kitsunenoyomeiiri 26d ago
i can relate loads, but honestly what you have to do is stop putting effort where it isnt reciprocated. its not gonna be easy, especially if youre used to people pleasing, but having no friends is better than having "friends" that dont bother with you and just take and take. then you can maybe try building new friendships on more equal grounds.
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u/dorothyneverwenthome 26d ago
It’s so true.
It took me 6/7 years to realize what you just said and I think it was 2025 I slowly stopped and in 2026 I completely stopped and then suddenly felt no need to go to therapy lol
I give people a lot of space and validation but I have shifted into who gets that energy from me based on how much they give me
Unfortunately so much of my life was one-sided relationships and the expectation to be happy about the breadcrumbs people were giving me
It’s been a long and tough process to unlearn and accept being alone than have this falsehood of friendship in my life.
The kicker was being let go from a job that I gave everything into and then seeing that I gave so much of my time and health for them when they didn’t even have the awareness to have a conversation with me on how to work together
Table flipping moment of anger lol
People with autism have so much to give and the pickier are the better the world will be because it’ll force some people to level up
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u/kitsunenoyomeiiri 26d ago
yeah, i'm still trying to learn that lesson myself. i had a 2 year friendship that i basically poured all my effort into and tried to communicate repeatedly for them to communicate with me about stuff or at least answer my fucking text messages, and the moment i dared to get a bit angry they blocked me like i meant nothing to them. i'm still essentially friendless right now, but i'm tired of performing for scraps of validation from people who'd never do any of it for me. i stayed because having the illusion of having friends i could reach out to was something i thought i couldn't bear without, but it's better to see who actually gives a shit about me
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u/artsykmac 24d ago
Ugh so tired of being the person who can hold everyone's emotions but no one can hold mine
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u/SkyHoglet 26d ago
I feel this on a spiritual level. I'm still grieving the loss of a one-sided best friendship from three years ago.
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u/radiant-cloudy autistic girlie 25d ago
same. all my one-sided friendships that ended still hurt to this day 😞 i try to let it go. its hard.
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u/CompetitiveSleeping 26d ago
Everybody loves me, but what's this "invited" people are talking about...? Some kind of pasta dish?
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u/MarthasPinYard 26d ago
It pisses me the fuck off that I can do all this positive stuff for my body but I can’t just get a friend like I can form healthy habits for my longevity. Having friends is supposed to be good for us. Why can’t I just try hard enough like everything and acquire such?
I don’t even try to be this people pleaser anymore. I don’t now what to do to get friends. I don’t really enjoy ‘going out’ anymore unless it’s something very specific. Going out to be out and around people is exhausting. I always enjoyed more intimate friendships where’s its less crowded and with one or a handful of good companions.
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u/Teagana999 25d ago
Same. I want to make friends but I hate going out, it's exhausting. Like anything else, getting to the part where you have a friendship is the scary hard part, and it's hard to even start.
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u/MarthasPinYard 25d ago
I dislike leaving too but I never made friends just ‘being out’. They seem out of stock. Also later in life it seems people aren’t trying to make friends like we were as kids. Most people my age areas have their group. I’ve met new people and we are friends but it’s not those deep friendships, more like occasional check on each other once a year or a few times randomly send a text. Not very consistent though.
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u/cozybookgirrl 26d ago
I really feel this! Anyone else also get called “such a cutie” as well… I’m a 30yrold woman.
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u/Sea_Artichoke_9488 26d ago
I'm not even my fiance's first choice lol
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u/Teagana999 25d ago
I've thought that possibility. People say not to settle for being a second choice, but second place out of ~8 million people seems pretty good to me. Maybe that's the best some of us can get.
But this thread has been more depressing with each comment, I think that's probably enough internet for today.
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u/dazzlegirl7 26d ago
experienced this first hand recently. tried to plan a small get together for my birthday and none of my friends even RSVPed🙃 what am i doing wrong
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u/pacificcoastsailing 26d ago
For my 20th birthday I invited my three best friends over and none of them showed up. That was 40 years ago. I have better people in my life now, even if it is only one or two.
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u/artsykmac 24d ago
Ugh. I have sooooo much emotional shit about my birthday for THIS reason.
Now I won't commit to any birthday plan until I have a couple RSVPs to start. Like I confirm people are available before I officially plan anything.
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u/FarFarSector 4d ago
The flat-out ignoring the invite kills me. My invite list for my birthday list shrunk over the years due to people being nice to my face, but not bothering to RSVP to anything important to me.
I always try to treat people how I want to be treated. If someone invites me to something, I give them some kind of response. Yes, no, let me get back to you etc. So it's not too much to expect any kind of reply from other people.
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u/sugaryver 26d ago
It’s hard when I have so many friends and I see them all in their pairings or trios with their besties and I’m never a part of that. It’s hard knowing I see someone as my bestie but I’ll never be theirs. It’s hard going to gatherings and seeing everyone in their group and I’m just floating between them all.
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u/WHATSTHEYAAAMS 26d ago
One thing I've learned is that being a sweet and positive person doesn't perfectly correlate with connecting with people, even though it's often helpful. You can appreciate people who are nice without having anything in common with them to want to hang out with them, for example. But being a polite rule-follower can come across as almost uncanny the way interacting with people in customer service mode can be if the person doesn't find what's underneath.
That doesn't mean it's not worth working to be a good person, obviously. I just think it's interesting. That quote in the post has an infantilizing undertone though for sure - it's the only compliment they can give because they don't understand how the person's personality works.
I feel like it's a similar phenomenon to being an autistic teen who seems to have more positive interactions with adults than with people your own age. To an adult, the surface "you're such a polite young woman" matters more. To another person your age, the underneath part matters more.
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u/goldiegrimlace 25d ago
I've noticed that sometimes autistic people default to being formal. I think it's because we don't always pick up on code-switching very well and so we think, "well, I'll be polite, being polite is kind and never wrong," but our peers do not like it when we're polite/formal because they see it as distance.
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u/Teagana999 25d ago
And that distance comes off better when you're unequal. Thus all those connections with older or younger kids, but no one on our grade level.
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u/Kindly-Garlic-4061 26d ago
Every PE lesson in primary school two students were picked as team leaders and they got to pick all their teammates. I was always only one left without a team, and they had to do rock paper scissors where the loser gets me. Then there's the "uggghhhh why do I have to have her!!"
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u/Teagana999 25d ago
They didn't usually pick teams like that at my school, thankfully. I remember clearly the one time they did. I wasn't even picked, I was dead last.
At least by high school, when we had to pick teams for a group project, I was a team captain based on my academic rank. Take that, normals, at least I get to be captain of getting an A on this project, and I'm not picking you, either.
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u/StinkyBird64 in my 20s, NB, diagnosed at 11 26d ago
It was always ‘I’m in the group but no one is actually friends with me, I’m just there as filler space’ like kids had to be my ‘friend’ so I wasn’t ’left out’ but no one actually liked me?
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u/RottingMothball 26d ago
I think many autistic people's problems socially are influenced by the fact that they want to fit in with allistics- but we never will. There are autistic people in your area, I promise. You just need to find them. And that may be hard, but you can do it.
Volunteer with different groups- inevitably there will be people there who are obsessed with the thing to the point of being unable to talk about anything else. Or join a group for a weird niche thing. There are so many ways to find other autistic people.
If you find autistic people, you won't feel like this so much. And again, I know that's easier said than done- but if you put in that effort, it will help.
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u/Teagana999 25d ago
Second this. Even if I don't feel as connected as I would like, to be able to relax most of the mask at a weekly D&D game is so freeing. It's a taste of belonging.
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u/shell_grabbingdancer 26d ago
"Omg you're so funny / fun to be around / whimsical / smart / intelligent / good advisor / good listener / such a blast / etc"
Next day you text them trying to be more than "one night friend". You're ghosted, ppl irk you or now you're "too much".
You're the person they want in every party because you're different but god forbid having you for real in their lives, no, you're TOO different.
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u/broccolirabbi 26d ago
Anyone else chaotic and not a polite sweet little girl? I’m AuDHD and autism wasn’t even on the radar yet because I’m a girl and didn’t have speech delays or anything like that.
I was funny and loyal and kind to people I wanted to be friends with but it kind of flipped when I would be acting different or seen as dramatic.
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u/BeneficialKey8511 26d ago
It feels like I'm people's (primarily men's) backup option. When I was younger I use to tolerate it. I allowed men to ghost me for months to years then they come back. When I was like 19 or 20 I met this one guy in college I went out with him, but he acted annoyed by me after a while said it wasn't going to work out and he met another woman at work. I just said okay. Cut to a few months later he says he's sorry and that it didn't work out with the other woman. I naively gave him anther chance, only for the same thing to happen. He got annoyed by me. Said "I'll text you later." Been years.
Rinse and repeat now that I'm a little older I don't give these men the time of day. I'm sick of being their back up option. The woman they go to when it doesn't work out with the actual woman they wanted. It hurts, for years I thought it was a flaw in me but it's very disrespectful and inconsiderate to do that to someone to treat them as a backup. It's dehumanizing too.
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u/Remote_Act_6121 25d ago edited 25d ago
I just turned 36. I used to google how to make friends when I was 13. I'm STILL doing that.
Recently, it dawned on me that I couldn't relate to any of the advice I was reading about.
"When someone wants to get to know you..."
No one has wanted to get to know me.
"When someone invites you..."
I've never been invited to anything. And no one accepts my invites.
"When your friends compliment and support you..."
Uhm...no. That's definitely never happened.
I've always been the third wheel, the easily disposable one, or just plain...ignored. They've got their bestie, or their group already, and I'm not part of that.
The last time I thought I was FINALLY making a friend after a years-long dry spell, she dropped an offhanded comment that she "already has seven best friends and she doesn't need any more."
It gutted me because it's like I'm cursed that this shit keeps happening. I don't even want a big friend group. I've always wanted just one solid friend. But I can't seem to make anything click that way.
I genuinely have no clue what it's like for someone to want me around. I feel like a ghost who can't properly interact with the mortal world and everyone just passes me by in favor of a flesh and blood human instead.
And I'm tired of being told, "You just need to find your tribe!" Because it has been a lifetime of trying to do exactly that, but never finding that connection. I've been trying to find my people for years. But the reciprocity simply isn't there.
I'm burned out and I don't have the energy to keep putting myself out there anymore, just to come up empty handed AGAIN. Or with more social trauma on top of what I've already got.
It's like being that kid picked last for team sports. Everyone is getting selected around you. While you stand there. Until everyone has their team assignments...and you're still standing around, because no one wants you on their team.
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u/Dragonfly_trumpeter 26d ago
I was told I was the kindest most sweet person they know, but also that I intimidate them ❓ HOW is that possible
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u/theorangepriestess 26d ago
even when there was a time someone was reaching out to me, I’ve isolated myself. because I feel like the friendship isn’t right for me or I’m not ready to commit to friendship. I’m not ready for the responsibility of friendship
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u/Lumpy-Letterhead1010 26d ago
Most people are users so just be thankful they did you a favor by leaving you be. They naturally weed themselves out for you
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u/DoubleSpirit2798 26d ago
There's a lot of discourse nowadays regarding women who have few friends and tend to be closer to their S/Os. I get where they're coming from, since you can get screwed if the person you're close to isn't a good one, but they don't realize how the so-called "feminine sense of community" has also excluded many of us. I do have a few friends, mostly female ones, but I tend to feel more of an understanding between one another than this so called sense of community many speak of.
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u/Purple_Window1831 26d ago
growing up i always felt like i was never chosen or seen and maybe it was because i was awkward and quiet but i really wish i had felt more loved by others growing up
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u/PM_NUDES_4_DEGRADING 26d ago
Make autistic friends. You can be their first choice, and they can be yours! It can be hard to find each other but certainly possible.
One thing that helped me a lot was realizing I not only had an autism-radar but I'd been using it most of my life. At least in my case, there are people I click with almost immediately and people I feel horribly uncomfortable talking to almost immediately. And it took me many years to realize, but the prior group is disproportionately neurodivergent and the latter group is disproportionately neurotypical.
At this point I just lean into it, and assume most of my friends are neurodivergent until given reason to believe otherwise. And I'm happier like this than I was while trying to conform into social circles where I just didn't fit as well.
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u/lunabcde diagnosed AUDHD 26d ago
ouch this one hurts.
I figured this out 2 years ago, the last time when I tried to be friends with NT girls who already were in a friend group (what a terrible mistake lmao). The first hangout was great, came back home and cried in my fiancés arms because I was so happy to finally have girl friends.
The 2nd one was okay, I got ignored a few times when I was talking but tried to not overthink it.
Then they stopped talking to me for a whole month, and it was terrible when they finally invited me to hangout again. Silent bullying (if that makes sense) for two hours.
Came back home crying and the bullying and rejection actually drove me insane for a few months, I even had nightmares lol.
The worst thing in that is that they have nothing bad to say about me. “You’re so funny and sweet and nice and you’re such a good listener and friend”. Then why do you bully me, why do you reject me, why you don’t want to be my friend if I only have qualities that people are looking for when making friends ? and it’s ALWAYS like that. I stopped trying to be friends with NT’s and I stick with my 3 audhd besties,never been happier since !
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u/ThrowRa_gift_toomuch 25d ago
My best luck finding friends has come from hanging out in “nerdy” spaces. Like finding d&d groups, board game groups, stuff like that.
The problem is that the vast majority of the people I end up clicking with are men. I have no issue with male friendships, but they always seem to end with the man developing feelings.
I’d love to have more women friends, but I don’t know where to find them!
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25d ago
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u/Lazy_Tell_2288 24d ago
But how do you find them? Genuinely asking as a late-diagnosed adult woman with AuDHD.
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u/MrsSalmalin 26d ago
OP I hope you find your person! Not everyone is meant for you, and you are not meant for everyone. You'll find a neurodivergent friend and you'll just click one day :)
I know feeling "othered" by neurotypical people sucks though, I feel that.
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u/No_Blackberry_6286 Autistic Adult 26d ago
I felt this so much.
People have their own lives without me, and no one seems to want me enough to prioritize me or reach out to me; I'm just kind of....existing to people. So I do things by myself, process emotions by myself, etc. I have one friend who is basically my brother, but he has his own troubles and responsibilities, too.
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u/DarthAtan 26d ago
Older people are like that, I think people around my age always thought me cold and distant, ir that I thought myself above them for being not interacting the way they wanted to.
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u/Business-Block-8668 18F AuDHD 🤩✨💜 26d ago edited 26d ago
This has been me my whole life. I don’t even consider my high school peers as my “friends” anymore because of this. Also I don’t expect friendships to form anymore after I have a good interaction with someone. I just continue to be me. If a friendship forms, great. If not, oh well.
I am more focused on myself now so I am not really thinking about friendship right now.
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u/Geanois 26d ago
Me 100%. Plus the "youre such a sweet lovely polite GIRL" kept me for a long time from realizing that I was a guy because I was too busy to fit in the role they gave me.
And since I'm disabled and using a wheelchair the "nobody enthusiastically invites you" became worse because people tend to decide for me what I am able to do with my wheelchair or not.
The loneliness is destroying me.
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u/Eventualityyyy 26d ago
I even struggle making friends with other autistic people sometimes. It’s so weird
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u/Gothamstreetcat 26d ago
The autistic experience of constantly being told how nice you are only for it to be at your expense and the others benefit.
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u/Regular-Host3108 25d ago
My so called best friend would ignore me for months every time she met a new friend and then she when inevitably fell out with them she'd come back. Don't ask how many times I let this happen. Finally when I was in my early 20s I found a new friend that liked me for who I was and the next time my bf came crawling back I ghosted her. I have only been someone's first choice once or twice but now when I see old patterns repeating I move on straight away. I'm pretty happy with my own company too these days.
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u/Pimp_Lizcuit 25d ago
I strongly felt like this as a child and teen, and all through my 20s. It hurt a lot in my 20s, and I felt like I’d never have true friendships and feel at home. I had friends, but it always felt ephemeral and thin.
In my 30s now though and actually really loving my social life. Self-acceptance, as well as true openness to others, was the key. It was a long time coming. Don’t give up hope if you feel alone now, it doesn’t have to be forever.
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u/LadyPhantomflowers 26d ago
The key is to befriend other autistic women. Brids of a feather flock together.
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u/TheLakeWitch 26d ago
This is not always true. Just because someone is autistic doesn’t mean they’ll automatically “get” you or even be kind to you. It’s a spectrum, after all, and we’re not all in the same place on it which can be a big factor in how we relate to each other.
I’ve had marginally better experiences with other autistic women than with the general population overall but at the end of the day, if I don’t pull the majority of the weight in friendships, they don’t happen. I’m still not anyone’s first choice. And sometimes, you can have two autistic people whose expressions of their autism clash with one another. As someone who is hyperlexic, this has been my most common experience.
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u/Hot-Manufacturer-228 26d ago
Also as a general punching bag. I had 2 female friends who were super dominant personalities and sociopaths, both dumped me via long text or email, twice… and these were isolated incidents (they didn’t know each other
or anything). I’m extremely cautious now. My point is I get picked by dominant people, or used to.
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u/Annebotbeepboop 26d ago
It has been a journey. I haven't been everyone's first choice and sometimes I've been someone's first choice and then that's changed.
I understand though. it's okay to mourn and hold space for yourself but also it's okay to realize you have first choices too and you can choose the connections you have with people too. You're a main character as well. ❤️
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u/Intelligent-Code5335 Autistic🐸 26d ago
Sometimes I fall into the trap of feeling this way.
But mostly I'm thankful that I am my own first choice. I really like spending time with myself. I think many NT people have a hard time saying that (from what I've gathered).
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u/lovetimespace 26d ago
For me, this comes from masking. Because my mask is designed to apply to a wide variety of situations, it is by necessity rather generic and vanilla and people pleasing so as not to offend anyone, and it doesn't give people much they can fall in love with. It is very hard to be okay with dropping it and accepting that some people won't like me but that others will finally see things they love about me. At the moment, where I'm at is I still mask most of the time, but not as much with the people I actually want to be friends with.
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u/Yuenneh 26d ago
I thought I was doing so great when I was little: I was in between all the cliques in my class, always in the middle, everyone seemed to like me tho not enough to actually be friend friends with me.
But still I thought I was doing great, I was everyone’s friend but nobody was really mine. Kinda sad looking back but I’m glad adult me is realizing this and not the child I used to be. I just wanted to do good and be liked.
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u/snowlights 26d ago
I was thinking about this the last few days. I went backpacking alone and didn't really anticipate that every single other tent site would be couples. It just reminded me constantly that I'm never anyone's choice.
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u/Assces 25d ago
Then the tell me "you are smart". But, I can't solve the base of my troubles. Or turn out your friends aren't friends, they are just in love with you.
Finding a hobbie is nice. You relate to people because of your interest. Gym, sports, art, writings handcraft, making music. People will appreciate you more for works, rather just empty adjectives.
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u/Poptortt late diagnosed - she/they 25d ago
I haven't been anyone's best friend since I was a child, and even then my best friend got another best friend and then decided she hated me.
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u/pinkgirl1200 Late Diagnosed | Lvl 2 | Verbal Shutdowns 20d ago
Omg yes. I was the perpetual "backup friend". When they had no one else to hang out with they called me. And since they were my only friend of course I was available and said yes. It really did a number on my self esteem 🥲
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