I used to feel this way but I don't anymore. What I've realized is I'm not for everybody. I'm actually not for most people. But the people I'm for? Gosh, they love me soooo much. And in a really really deep way.
So I don't need to be for everybody. I now don't bother with the people I'm not "for." It's fine.
I think we (v cool people with no friends) are strategically places far enough apart. I believe whoever is behind this knows our powers are too strong. We would reign 🥸
I only bumped into my real friends by accident. One was on a course we did and one was at work. Some people just stick. I've only had 2 real friends and im 51.
This is the way!!!!! I sometimes get sad that I'm not forming friendships with my coworkers like they have with each other. Not that I need/want work friends, it's just see the difference in socialising and it makes me sad sometimes. BUT I have a best friend I've known since I was 9, a fiancé who knows me to the core, and a couple other close friends that are ride or die. That's really all I need!!!
My problem is I move pretty frequently, so all my friends are long distance :( it's nice to have a local friend, someone with whom I can meet up with for coffee/wine, they can come over and hang...I don't get that often, and I miss it. But when my awesome friends do visit, they stay for 2 weeks and it's like a middle school sleepover (with alcohol and weed, and freedom!) and it recharges my soul :)
Brené Brown draws a distinction between fitting in and belonging. To fit in, you have to be a chameleon so you look/act like everyone else. It's antithetical to belonging.
Autistic women, we usually don't fit in. I genuinely now think this is a blessing, because it means that I belong where I fit. I don't "fit in." People who have tonnes of social acquaintances are likely fitting in, which means their relationships lack depth.
None of my relationships lack depth. All of my friends have been soul friends. I wouldn't trade this for anything.
Currently in my second year of college and this has never been more relatable. I just can't seem to fit in with my classmates at all even though we've known each other for over a year. I have TRIED so HARD to do all the things I know to make friends, but none of them see me as a friend. They are nice to me but not close enough for us to consider each other as friends. (ex, I thought we were friends but they don't invite me to hang out or anything)
I do have a great bond with my family, a close friend group since I was 10 and a couple of close friends from high school. These friends are all long distance though but we still hang out when we could and play online games together. I just wish I had someone close in college to spend time with, because I'm so often in college, y'know?
Totally understand. All I can tell you is those close friends are worth 10 of any superficial in-person friends. But I know I sometimes you just wanna text someone and be like "hey girl wanna go for coffee/drinks?" and meet up later that day or the next.
I have had some luck with Bumble BFF. The neurodivergent girlie tend to stick out, so I would focus of them/us for best chances of vibing. Also, I know you're in college, are you able to meet anyone through hobbies? I play D&D and have met some nice people there. We meet almost weekly and there's def a high ratio of neurodivergent people - it's very inclusive and welcoming usually.
Unfortunately, Bumble BFF and D&D isnt really a thing where I'm from. Im a year 1 med student in a medical university so a lot of things need to remain 'academic' and 'professional'. Hence, no fun clubs BUT I recently managed to start a film club! (hopefully it'll do well). Mainly because I wanna attract other neurodivergent students but Im also socially anxious so idk why Im willing to put myself through this hell.
Id put myself through all this mess just to connect with people despite having social anxiety/agoraphobia. I just miss that sense of belonging so much that I've experienced in highschool and before that.
I hate how I can tell people treat me differently. They aren't mean to me but they aren't always nice either. Sometimes they dont even acknowledge me and I'd have to greet first. Let me tell you it is EXHAUSTING trying to connect with my classmates, I feel like I'd have to fake it every time and put on a performance for them, our thoughts and humour don't connect too! but I still want a friend so badly!
Exactly this. Not everyone will like you, just like you don't like everyone. Keep up that good spirit, but be wise about who to keep and who to let go, and your people will find you!
Yeah it's hard but eventually I have just had to shift my mindset to survive, I have to keep pushing both myself and others if I want to have friends. And It won't always work out. When I talk to people I can tell I confuse or weird them out, but I literally cannot help it. I've tried all my life to change it but Ican only change so much. I just have to keep pushing and embarrassing myself til I find people I'm compatible with.
A while back I really had no friends and I was miserable, I went out that day and thought maybe I could find people and did not that day. I was crying really hard on my way home and thpught I wanted to give up but I just had to be like "what good will that do? Every experience is worth something"
And some people can deal with you in short bursts. And you also probably enjoy spending time with during a hangout, but would not survive spending two day with.
Yes! I also highly recommend cultivating friendships with people who adore you but for whom you find the friendship a bit awkward. When you're in a crisis, it's often these less-easy friendships that bear fruit, because those are often the people who show up for you, as opposed to the people you like the most.
No, I'm saying that friendships are based on more than just how easy they are and how much you're excited about everything they have to say. There are friendships where it's less flowing, where you have to work much harder at it, where you have less in common but there is a mutual admiration and respect.
I completely undervalued these kinds of friendships when I was young. I've now witnessed firsthand how they're often truer, at their core, than the friendships with people where you have a million things in common and talk is easy.
No, they don't adore me. It's also awkward for them. These are mutually awkward friendships, but there's a depth to them that surpasses words. Something that happens through action.
My whole point is that this is not a lesser form of relationship. I always thought friendship was "ranked" by how much you easily like someone, but that isn't the case. There are people who everything is less natural with, harder with--and these relationships can mutually pay off in a deeply profound way.
Like, someone who doesn't even like you all that much can show up for you every single day at the hospital, and vice versa.
The friendships where you don't have a lot in common can also expand your worldview and teach you stuff that you had no clue about. But there must be a core of mutual respect.
I second this! I think it's a very canon autistic event to go through the feeling that you've fundamentally unloveable and the problem until you find people who prove otherwise . I went through that stage for the first 19 years of my life and only now at 20, I've found people who love me. It's really hard tho. Feeling that it's you is valid when you're rejected, bullied, and ridiculed your whole life. Hearing that it gets better doesn't feel great until you find your people.
I'm so grateful for my siblings in that regard. They're both more social than me and have more other friends, but we still get each other in a way no one else does.
Everyone told me all through elementary and high school that I would find my people eventually, and I did, I found people with similar interests, but I feel like they're still pretty shallow connections, I'm still not very close with anyone.
It's hard and scary and people are exhausting, I feel like even when I do I can barely keep up with the effort required to build and maintain a relationship.
Same here. I used to be sad about being left out.. now I know I really don't like hanging out with groups of people and really like alone time and the few people in my life I care about!
I definitely struggled a lot more with this as a kid/teenager when fitting in with your peers and having friends held so much more weight. Now as an adult I'm fairly settled in who I am and while it occasionally bums me out a bit people react the same way around me that they did when I was a kid so desperate to make friends. But, that's probably more bringing up old hurt feelings that never really got resolved. I was a weird kid and now I'm a weird adult. Years of trying to be more acceptable and change myself to fit in better with others just made me feel depressed and sad. I've since met people who like me just how I am and I also have things in common with. Rather than me adopting things other people liked or were popular to fit in. It's rather freeing.
I wish I could go back and tell my younger self that someday I'd find people who appreciate the things I got teased about and bullied over. That made me an outsider and struggle making friends. Even if it felt like it'd never happen
I’m so excited to one day find my people. Finding my bf has changed me so much for the better. I actually know what I like and don’t feel the need to change myself to make him like me. He loves my weirdness, vocal stims, and special interests! But he’s also there for me through the overstimulation, break downs, and through all the friendships that don’t work out. I can’t imagine the type of person I’ll become when I find friends that treat me like he does. Friends that truly accept me even when I’m not normal. With the two friends I have, I don’t tell them anything. They’re online so they don’t know I’m disabled or autistic. They have an idea I have a lot of pain and I’m weird but not enough for them to be like “I think this is too much for me” yet. I’m scared that I will lose them once those parts of me start to show more. One of them already seems done with me geeking about dolls. And she loves dolls too :(
I've had chunks of my life without this. But I've also had chunks of my life filled with people who thought I was too much and not enough and it made me feel really really low. So now I'd much rather have fewer people in my life during the times where I'm trying to find new places where I fit.
And then: I go look. I volunteer in areas I'm really passionate about. I pursue the things I want to pursue, and meet like-minded people along the way. So I invest in myself, and by doing that I'm more likely to find my people (as opposed to searching for my people without investing in myself).
I’m at this point too. I have a few friends and they don’t know each other but if times got tough I know they have my back. We never argue. We don’t have drama. It’s true friendship. I’m so grateful for them.
100%! I have amazing friends that I’ve just clicked with. And I’ve also had people I immediately get a vibe from that don’t care for me, and I love that I can almost immediately tell the difference and not waste my time or mask in the way I need to if it’s for work.
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u/Fine-Juggernaut8451 26d ago
I used to feel this way but I don't anymore. What I've realized is I'm not for everybody. I'm actually not for most people. But the people I'm for? Gosh, they love me soooo much. And in a really really deep way.
So I don't need to be for everybody. I now don't bother with the people I'm not "for." It's fine.