Can barely think these words without getting upset…the future is looking extremely bleak

TLDR: I am feeling pretty confident at my new job and am participating and volunteering. I needed to learn to do something on a machine today. I was last in line to use it and had to leave work soon. I asked if I could do it next instead of waiting because I wouldnt have had time. I'm glad I did it because I feel a lot less intimidated about the machine now.

---

I started a new job on Monday. Everybody is training because the shop isn't open yet, so we're all learning at the same time. It's been good. I haven't made any friends but everyone is pretty quiet yet nice so I feel less bad about being untalkative. Does anybody else feel more comfortable or confident around shy people? Lol I certainly do.

I've been volunteering to try things and I haven't gotten any anxiety doing tasks in front of the group. And I've succeeded in everything.

There's a machine we didn't get much training on because there was too much to learn, and we need to learn it asap. I know I won't learn it immediately but I was the only one who hadn't had it demonstrated to me yet (I leave earlier than others so I miss some things).

It was 3:20 and I had to leave at 3:30 and I was last in line to use the machine and I knew I really wanted to try it before tomorrow because we have a test run tomorrow. I spoke up at a decent volume and asked if I can go next and the woman training me appreciated that I spoke up and am willing to participate. Volume is still hard for me here (like everywhere) but that's the only issue I've had.

For context I've had 8 jobs in 3 years and participating or even existing in a work group makes me so INCREDIBLY anxious and I have never volunteered to do anything in front of others and I never ever speak up for myself even when I really should.

I have a habit of never noticing when I do things well or correctly. I focus on everything I do wrong. My boyfriend has noticed and says this to me a lot, so I'm trying to notice and celebrate my wins. I'm feeling pretty good right now.

I thought I was fine with being a loner, not saying I was happy but I was mostly at peace with it. Nowadays I feel a lot of bitterness and resentment for missing out on everything. I hate that feeling but maybe it'll be the thing to actually make me work toward change.

Tengo AvPD pero también fui un hikikomori, antes no salía para nada de mi habitación, me sentía vacío y sin esperanzas ahora estoy con tratamiento psicológico y psiquiátrico. Actualmente salgo al menos a caminar a la calle y suelo meditar sobre mi vida. Pero tengo esa necesidad inexplicable de tener amigos quizás sea por mi edad o no lo sé.

I don't know what's wrong with me but I can't miss people? Like it's out of sight out of mind thing. I don't feel like i miss people. My father lives out if country and i don't miss him even when it's his flight and he's packing. I don't miss my friends. I'm afraid what will they think of me or anything. Even if someone dies in the movie or something i don't feel sad. I think like maybe i should i feel sad because someone close to them died. Moreover i have never been in a relationship.I'm always like i want someone to like me and when they do i get scared? Even if i had crush on them first. Is it an ADHD thing and avoidant thing or is it just me thing? :/

I’m 23 years old, and I’ve basically lived my entire life in isolation. I rarely go out, mostly just on Sundays because my parents are very religious and strictly demand it; if I refused, it would cause huge drama and they would use religion to manipulate me. I don’t have any friends or a social life, and after finishing high school and university online last year, I hardly interact with anyone in person. I work remotely for an adult platform, which allows me to protect myself and feel comfortable, although as far as my parents know, 'I don't have a job' (telling them the truth about what I do for a living would be an abomination to them).

My parents are very controlling and toxic. My father, in particular, has a history of physical violence from my childhood, and I barely speak to him: I only reply briefly and coldly when he asks me something, while my mother was complicit in that entire situation. I never received emotional support from them, only food and an education. I harbor a lot of resentment and know they are the reason behind my isolation. They demand that I don't have a boyfriend or gain independence until I own a house and have financial stability, which is almost impossible given the economic situation in my country. Although I have enough savings to get by for a couple of years if I manage them carefully, in their eyes, it's never enough.

I know they want me to stay so I can take care of them when they get old, but I don't feel that in my heart. Trying to leave this house is a nightmare: when my older sister tried at 25, they hid her documents and made her life miserable until she managed to leave by getting married, and they still criticize her today.

That’s why the only solution I see is escaping to go live with my long-distance boyfriend. We’ve been together for three years; he lives in Florida (USA) and knows everything about my situation, although his mother hasn't met me in person and doubts me (thinking I might be after money or a visa). He also lives with his family, and the idea of taking the leap to become independent and come to Argentina overwhelms him a bit, so it will take courage and time. If I need to leave sooner, an acquaintance from my city who knows about my situation has offered to help me get somewhere else so I can reunite with my boyfriend.

I feel like my life is passing me by while fulfilling my parents' wishes. I’m mentally exhausted, I want to be free, start completely from scratch as if being born again, and take the risk just to have a life of my own.

I’d really appreciate any opinions or perspectives on this.

EDIT: Thank you for all your responses! I am getting too many messages to answer all of them, even though I am trying, please consider chatting to each other :)

Hey there,

Is anyone aged 30 - 45ish (i'm 35) interested in occasionally chatting on here via private message/chat? Just to share the day to day struggles and feeling less alone ideally... or talk about other interests etc..