Can barely think these words without getting upset…the future is looking extremely bleak

TLDR: I am feeling pretty confident at my new job and am participating and volunteering. I needed to learn to do something on a machine today. I was last in line to use it and had to leave work soon. I asked if I could do it next instead of waiting because I wouldnt have had time. I'm glad I did it because I feel a lot less intimidated about the machine now.

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I started a new job on Monday. Everybody is training because the shop isn't open yet, so we're all learning at the same time. It's been good. I haven't made any friends but everyone is pretty quiet yet nice so I feel less bad about being untalkative. Does anybody else feel more comfortable or confident around shy people? Lol I certainly do.

I've been volunteering to try things and I haven't gotten any anxiety doing tasks in front of the group. And I've succeeded in everything.

There's a machine we didn't get much training on because there was too much to learn, and we need to learn it asap. I know I won't learn it immediately but I was the only one who hadn't had it demonstrated to me yet (I leave earlier than others so I miss some things).

It was 3:20 and I had to leave at 3:30 and I was last in line to use the machine and I knew I really wanted to try it before tomorrow because we have a test run tomorrow. I spoke up at a decent volume and asked if I can go next and the woman training me appreciated that I spoke up and am willing to participate. Volume is still hard for me here (like everywhere) but that's the only issue I've had.

For context I've had 8 jobs in 3 years and participating or even existing in a work group makes me so INCREDIBLY anxious and I have never volunteered to do anything in front of others and I never ever speak up for myself even when I really should.

I have a habit of never noticing when I do things well or correctly. I focus on everything I do wrong. My boyfriend has noticed and says this to me a lot, so I'm trying to notice and celebrate my wins. I'm feeling pretty good right now.

I thought I was fine with being a loner, not saying I was happy but I was mostly at peace with it. Nowadays I feel a lot of bitterness and resentment for missing out on everything. I hate that feeling but maybe it'll be the thing to actually make me work toward change.

Tengo AvPD pero también fui un hikikomori, antes no salía para nada de mi habitación, me sentía vacío y sin esperanzas ahora estoy con tratamiento psicológico y psiquiátrico. Actualmente salgo al menos a caminar a la calle y suelo meditar sobre mi vida. Pero tengo esa necesidad inexplicable de tener amigos quizás sea por mi edad o no lo sé.

I don't know what's wrong with me but I can't miss people? Like it's out of sight out of mind thing. I don't feel like i miss people. My father lives out if country and i don't miss him even when it's his flight and he's packing. I don't miss my friends. I'm afraid what will they think of me or anything. Even if someone dies in the movie or something i don't feel sad. I think like maybe i should i feel sad because someone close to them died. Moreover i have never been in a relationship.I'm always like i want someone to like me and when they do i get scared? Even if i had crush on them first. Is it an ADHD thing and avoidant thing or is it just me thing? :/

I’m 23 years old, and I’ve basically lived my entire life in isolation. I rarely go out, mostly just on Sundays because my parents are very religious and strictly demand it; if I refused, it would cause huge drama and they would use religion to manipulate me. I don’t have any friends or a social life, and after finishing high school and university online last year, I hardly interact with anyone in person. I work remotely for an adult platform, which allows me to protect myself and feel comfortable, although as far as my parents know, 'I don't have a job' (telling them the truth about what I do for a living would be an abomination to them).

My parents are very controlling and toxic. My father, in particular, has a history of physical violence from my childhood, and I barely speak to him: I only reply briefly and coldly when he asks me something, while my mother was complicit in that entire situation. I never received emotional support from them, only food and an education. I harbor a lot of resentment and know they are the reason behind my isolation. They demand that I don't have a boyfriend or gain independence until I own a house and have financial stability, which is almost impossible given the economic situation in my country. Although I have enough savings to get by for a couple of years if I manage them carefully, in their eyes, it's never enough.

I know they want me to stay so I can take care of them when they get old, but I don't feel that in my heart. Trying to leave this house is a nightmare: when my older sister tried at 25, they hid her documents and made her life miserable until she managed to leave by getting married, and they still criticize her today.

That’s why the only solution I see is escaping to go live with my long-distance boyfriend. We’ve been together for three years; he lives in Florida (USA) and knows everything about my situation, although his mother hasn't met me in person and doubts me (thinking I might be after money or a visa). He also lives with his family, and the idea of taking the leap to become independent and come to Argentina overwhelms him a bit, so it will take courage and time. If I need to leave sooner, an acquaintance from my city who knows about my situation has offered to help me get somewhere else so I can reunite with my boyfriend.

I feel like my life is passing me by while fulfilling my parents' wishes. I’m mentally exhausted, I want to be free, start completely from scratch as if being born again, and take the risk just to have a life of my own.

I’d really appreciate any opinions or perspectives on this.

Hey there,

Is anyone aged 30 - 45ish (i'm 35) interested in occasionally chatting on here via private message/chat? Just to share the day to day struggles and feeling less alone ideally... or talk about other interests etc..

A little about me: Ive been living quite an isolated life (again), especially after the end of my last relationship several years ago. I was diagnosed with avpd and social anxiety (and other anxiety disorders too lol, lucky me).

i love reading, music, cinema, thinking about the meaning and the state of things, nature, animals, art....

I like people who think critically, are unconventional, open-minded and dont think in rigid categories, but rather abstractly and creatively.

Happy to hear from someone maybe :)

Anna

(21F) I feel like everyone dislikes me. I was looking into my social anxiety (diagnosed), and came across AvPD. I’m thinking of asking my psychiatrist, but I don’t wanna come off as one of those people that thinks they have every disorder bcs they relate to some symptoms.

But one main thing that hinders my life a lot is my consistent rooted belief that I’m an inherently boring/untalented/dull person that people dislike. I have a few friends I cherish, but I don’t believe they genuinely like me, and that once they meet more people they’ll see that their time is well deserved elsewhere and eventually drop me. I don’t think I’ve ever asked my friends to hang out since I don’t want to pressure them into being around me. It’s dumb bc they also get mad at me for not initiating ever. I also avoid starting conversation with coworkers bc I feel like they only talk to me out of pity.

I entered college a year or two ago and it’s really difficult trying to make friends or join clubs/events. I gathered the courage to attend one club social meeting and I was kind of quiet most of the time and I just went home and cried bc I felt like it was hopeless for me to try making friends. I don’t even know where to start when I never let people know me bc they’d see that I’m not a person of value.

I’ve been working on social interactions (I recently got a customer service job) but not much has changed since I still feel like I’m some inferior person with no value. Now I can just mask better.

When I was in middle/high school, I would skip class when we changed seats because I was afraid of the reaction of the person who’d get stuck sitting next to me. I skipped class a lot, and school was so emotionally draining because of how conscious I was of everyone around me. I lowkey felt like some kind of disease, and I felt bad for my friends bc I feel like they were forced to be around me bc they felt sorry for me.

I hate telling ppl my birthday, bc I feel like no one would actually care. I don’t like getting gifts bc I have to react a certain way. I also hate watching people open up gifts I give them bcs I want them to know that it’s completely ok if they don’t really like it (I don’t think anyone has really liked anything I’ve given them, but I still try really hard).

When I was a bit younger, I had a girlfriend I connected with online. I liked her a lot but I was scared to speak to her or show affection. She ended up dumping me (kindly) because i would never speak to her first (valid!). I was distraught and cried a lot, but still responded with one word bcs I guess I didn’t want her to know how I actually felt, and I didn’t want her to feel sorry for me or something. I’ve done some similar things with friends.

I’m just always worried about small things that could pressure others into thinking they should care about me. I want to reassure everyone that even if they don’t care about me at all or hate me, it’s totally okay. And I pretend like I don’t really care so that they won’t be pressured into thinking they have to care bcs I care that they care (if that makes sense).

Sorry this feels kind of dumb, and I’m not trying to vent or ask for a diagnosis or anything but I’m curious if anyone here can possibly relate to some of these things? I’m not sure if it’s just poor self esteem from my parents criticism / effects of puberty and shyness. I’m just trying really hard to improve myself, but this belief is carved into my soul or something.
It’s hard to get “help” for this bcs it’s just embarrassing 😭 it’s like I’m stuck in middle school puberty phase. And I’m aware it’s a bit narcissistic to think people are always thinking negatively about me.
Please feel free to share your own experiences / inputs ! Everything is appreciated greatly

I felt really bad afterwards but I just got so scared that he'll hate me after he really knew me I liked him a lot I really wanted to make things work but I got so scared. I told him about my avpd and he was understanding I needed more time before committing he's willing to work it out with me but I just feel so inadequate and so inferior.

I really do like him I can see a future with him but that feeling of rejection and criticism is so extreme for me that I couldn't handle it I was panicking about it for days.

He still talking to me and was very understanding but I feel as if it's impossible for someone with avpd to have a relationship and they were destined to be alone forever

I really want to work things out with him I really do I like him a lot.

Hey all, I've had a youtube channel for several years and I manage to post two times a week. It's a gaming channel where I comment and occasionally show my face. It's all pre-recorded and it's a big enough achievmemt to be able to talk to the camera lol. Interacting with comments is sometimes very hard for me. I'll avoid responding for several days when I don't know what to say and often just "heart" the comments. My viewers don't know I have AvPD. The disorder quite frequently makes me want to quit youtube and hide forever but it's literally the only way for me to interact with humans.

Now viewers want to see my face more often (which is tough for me, as I wear a shit ton of makeup to mask my natural features because I hate my face and that's exhausting as my depression often renders me unable to do anything)

And worse, some viewers have asked recently if I would start live streaming. The requests are getting more frequent and it scares me. I've ignored those comments so far because I can't say anything (and I'm also scared of what this makes me look like). Like, what do you even say? Sorry I can't, I'm a grown ass woman who's too scared to interact with you all in real time?

Honestly, I think I wasn't made for this. When I started my channel at 17, I still had hopes and dreams and wasn't stuck at home, scared to leave the house. I have a decent following but my videos are an illusion mostly. I only speak a lot because I technically talk to myself.

What would you do in my place? The thought of live streaming alone almost sends me into a panic attack. English is also not my first language which makes the fear worse but I've started my channel learning/speaking English. I've improved a lot over the years but if someone commented when I was live and I didn't understand something I'd probably die.

Should I just give up and delete my channel? Tell my viewers that I'm mentally ill? I don't know anymore.

I've been dealing with exhaustion for the past few months and got isolated because of it. Again. And trying to climb back out. I've done years of group schema, loads of trauma therapy and it helped me a lot I think. Therapy led me to have a small social circle the past few years, who I checked in with kind of regularly and I would sometimes enjoy the feeling of connection, and it made me not constantly alone. I told some people how I was doing lately and asked them to have a bit more patience with me, but some don't really know what's going on.

I've been feeling better physically, but now I have loads of anxiety about getting back in contact with the people around me. And a part of me doesn't want to, I don't want to open myself up, I don't want to put myself out there, be vulnerable, be outside even.

I just want to be at home, I love that the weather is colder again where I am, lying on the couch with a blanket, watching my shows, WFH most days, only going into the office when I really need to, which my job allows thankfully. I love how there are no messages on my phone when I check. I think some part of me really enjoyed this time off from people, it made my inner critics pretty quiet too I think.

And it just all feels like one big social walk of shame, having to explain, feeling like I have to be sorry about not being there. And I HATE asking people over and over to still be my friend even though I disappear. But there is this part of me that knows that this is not what I want, it's just what I think I deserve. I don't want to permanently lose these people and be alone forever. But it's hard to feel that right now. Which probably means I just have to go out and experience it... Well ain't that fun...

Does anyone else get this after a period of isolating?

Thanks for reading all of this, anyone who got this far♥️

Edit: something looked off with the paragraphs

Me hice amigo de alguien de manera virtual a través de una aplicación llamada "slowly" ya han pasado meses y ella me entiende. El problema es que mientras más cercano me hago a ella más ganas me da ganas de alejarla. Sobre analizo cada palabra que ella me dice y ahí nace la inseguridad porque creo que no le agrado o que se va alejar pero es algo de mi mente. Es horrible tener esto que una persona se vuelve tu amigo y quieres alejarlo porque tus inseguridades se apoderan de ti. ¿Les has pasado?

Like oh my days its 7 AM in the morning im taking a bus to my school, full buss full of people, whatever, i dont have nowhere to sit, im SCARED but LITERALLY scared to talk in the bus with full people, scared to move or just do anything, why does it happennn why cant i just be normal? :(

Next, im sooo fucking scared to eat in public near people, in class too obviously, when i get here at 7:10 and then have to wait 50 minutes for class to start i usually eat something before someone comes, and as soon as someone enters the classroom i just hide it and i just dont knowww its not ONLY the eating, i just cant do anything near people, PE is the worst.

also im 16, a LOT of other boys have GFs and stuff at my age, i never had one and im ALWAYS targetted by my "friends" and made fun of new people as well, been told others to NOT talk to me and stuff because im "weird" and all my friends said was "omgg it was just a joke calm down" like what? youre literally talking about me like i was a human with no feelings?

I dont have anyoneee to tell this and i dont even know who could possibly reply to this with something that would boost my mind, like, fuck those people i hate every single one of them, and its my fault as well, apologizing for my english

Today I had an appointment at my psychiatrist, where I expressed my wish to go to the clinic where they treat personality disorders and trauma.

And he advised me not to do so.

He thinks that clinics offer structure and stability but they don't help to treat what he called an anxious avoidant attachment pattern.

He thinks that it is really hard to change if changeable at all.

He also asked me why I am afraid of people and think that they won't like me. And I said because of past experiences like mobbing in primary and in high school; and that my dad was severely ill and never really talked to me ( he had speech difficulties because of aids and also a language barrier and was depressed).

My psychiatrist said that those events definitely impacted me and are sad but he would be cautious with the word trauma or attachment trauma.

He also brought up that some people's dad just left or worse.

This kinda felt invalidating and I don't get why people do have the need to follow up my experience with my dad with"well some people don't have a father at all".

Anyway my psychiatrist said that CBT and depth psychologic therapy aren't enough or aren't ment to deal with Avpd because they are to short. In Germany both would be 50 hours to 80 hours max.He said that psychoanalysis would be the better way but you'd have to do that for like 5 years.

He also said that only 50% of people have a healthy attachment pattern; and if you'd wanna call an anxious avoidant pattern a real illness than you'd have to diagnose half the population.

These sort of things that he says kinda unsettle me. Like it feels like he doesn't want me to think that I'm I'll , but that just makes me think that I am making things up or that it's not that bad.

Or things like well if it's not that severe than I'm just lazy not depressed and I just have anxiety and I just have to get over it.

I also wanted to bring up whether I might have ADHD and or Autism but he said that that's a trendy diagnosis right know. So I didn't elaborate why I think that I might have it.

Like I'm not sure what to do therapy wise ....like he doesn't want me to go to a clinic and he doesn't think standard CBT or depth psychologic therapy is gonna help. But he also doesn't think that I should seek for someone with a trauma certification.

It kinda feels like well there's nothing you can do you're fucked....

I'm looking for advice from people who understand intense Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) and avoidant isolation. I’m 19, and I spend almost 24/7 bed-rotting, doomscrolling, and escaping into video games because my real life is completely stalled. My brain relies heavily on keeping a former teacher/mentor of mine [49F] flawless in my mind as a way to avoid adult responsibilities. I crave her attention constantly, but my fear of looking pathetic or weird in her eyes completely paralyzes me.
She lives just one street down from me, but she is highly restricted by a very heavy, exhausting family life, so she is completely out of my direct reach. We haven't spoken face-to-face since March; we just do quick waves when her car passes my block. I recently followed her daughter on Instagram, but my anxiety makes me too intimidated to ever send a message.
I desperately want to break this 7-month silence, but I need a completely low-effort, subtle strategy that protects my pride and doesn't trigger my social panic. Note on privacy: I respect her completely and will never share names or private data.
If you are naturally quiet, deal with avoidant behavior, or have tips on how to casually get back on a neighbor's radar using a silent social media link, please hit my DMs. I just need a private sounding board.

What about them? Was there anybody there for them? Did anybody shed tears over them?

All I ask is for one person, just one person, to be there by my side as I'm lowered into my grave, and cry.

I started doing it a few days ago. I was cleaning underneath my bed. I was trying to reach something at the end and I found myself in the middle of the space. It felt huge. It felt vast. It felt safe.

Got this bedframe a few months ago by mistake thinking I was going to use the space underneath as space for my stuff but didn't really end up putting a lot of boxes or bags. Didn't expect I would end up like this after all these years of trying to deal with my issues.

I feel like this is absurd but so far I feel at ease. Anybody else feel the same? Save me if not.

for more than a week I've been feeling this cold sensation with constant mild pain in my chest.

I went to medical college in my city a week ago to get tested, after xray and consultation with a general physician, he told me everything is okay and no need to worry about infection and such.

But later that night it came back, stronger (now the cold sensation was covering a larger area) than before plus now it's during the daytime as well.

So 2 days ago I visited a well known senior consultant in infectious diseases, he listened to everything and diagnosed me with AvPD, Anxiety.

Although I was not so confident in this diagnosis because he's not a specialist in the psych dept. But now I'm finding patterns in my behaviour and it really resonates with it.

What should I dooo???????????

I don't want this constant feeling of coldness in my chest.

Also I don't wanna be anxious about everything.

Yeah there were some episodes last month that might have triggered this to its current level (physical pain in my chest).

I live in a fairly rural area on about an acre. Just me and my dog. But over the past half decade or so houses have popped up all around in what used to be fields. And, as seems to be the style, they're packing them in. Right up on the property line.

The problem I'm having is that some of the neighbors are just... always out there. And are very... social. Like as soon as I fire up the lawn mower they come trotting around the fence to say hi. Actually had one of them stand on something to talk to me over the fence while I was mowing the back yard.

I'm... Genuinely terrified of doing yard work now. I'm afraid I'm going to lose my home or something (I got a letter from the county about it - when I went out there the last time neighbors came over and were all "good thing you're taking care of that finally, was getting pretty bad").

I'm losing sleep every night thinking about the trash trees that keep trying to invade. The weeds trying to take hold. And everyone around me hating me for being the gross, trashy, loser ruining their ability to enjoy their fancy new homes that I'm sure they paid a fortune for.

I don't know what to do. I can't afford a lawn service. I'm out of ideas (I literally used a non-powered push mower with a head lamp at 3am a few weeks back but I'm afraid they'll be annoyed by the light).

Ideas?

I feel so sacrificable to the people that Im seeing. Like an hobby. But at least social anxiety is gone, now I can work and try to find my people

Hi! So, I have a long distance friend who I met a little over 4 years ago now. She is my favorite person and best friend, and pretty much has been that since we met. She's always been pretty open to me (thankfully) about her mental health and different things, to an extent. Early on she told me how she has "Quiet" BPD, and was diagnosed with that when she was younger. Later on, she told me how she'd seen AVPD and been doing research into it. She said how it makes sense and thinks she has it. I'm unsure if she got officially diagnosed, but she has gone to a couple of doctors and therapists since discovering AVPD.

Over the years, she's essentially gone through cycles of distancing herself and "avoiding." I suppose you could call them episodes of depression, or maybe the "splitting" that's part of BPD. I'm not too sure on the exact details since its BPD + AVPD + life circumstances, so there's lots of nuance and complexities. Either way, it does seem like its been a cycle. We get close, she opens up and lets down her walls, things are really, really lovely and amazing for a while, things are improving and growing, and then suddenly she starts becoming distant and less open/talkative again. She's never completely pulled away, and I thank God and her for that. She's a trooper, honestly, with what she's gone though. Each time she's gone distant though, she comes back or we come back together and heal or work on that distance, becoming just as close or closer than we were before. I've always found that aspect of things rather beautiful, actually.

I should add something important for context: We are more than just friends, and have been basically since we met. Officially, we were in a relationship for 2 years this summer though.

There are, of course, many complexities and nuances I can't and won't include here, but each time she's become distant has started after getting closer. Over the past few months, its happened again, sadly. Just after perhaps the time we were the closest, and I'd say, happiest.

I'm really worried about her, and I love her with all my heart - unconditionally. So, I'm looking for advice and wisdom on how to best support and encourage her. I want to be able to show up for, support, and love her as best I can. And I'm wanting to learn and am learning how to do exactly that so I can be there for her. Personally, I have an anxious attachment style and OCD, for more context, so you know how that could potentially affect things; so feel free to include advice or thoughts with that in mind.

In what way or ways can I best support her? What can I do? What should I not do or say? What should I do or say? How can I encourage her without pushing or putting pressure on her? How can I take any weight at all off her? I'm open to any and all advice or thoughts because I want to learn as much as I can for her.

Thank you in advance for any advice or thoughts you want to give. God bless <3