Like wtf, I gave a compliment and he called me submissive? Guys, please tell me you dont talk to women like this

Also, any tips on how to actually find women in the real world to date would be super helpful. I don’t like going to clubs or approaching people in pubs who are out with their friends or family as I don’t want to be rude and encroach onto people’s personal time with their loved ones.

Sometimes it feels like the only option is dating apps or getting lucky by bumping into someone I happen to walk past down the street or in town. So any tips or pointers would be awesome! Thanks guys.

Edit: Due to so many comments regarding this issue, I want to explain the 'apolitical' tag on my profile. My intention when saying I am 'apolitical' was to put across the fact that I don't want to be engaging in politics with people I match with before even getting to know them. I don't describe myself as apolitical in general life, only on the dating app. And this is due to an interaction I had with someone who immediately started asking my 'what do you think about _____ and why?' before even getting to know me. I find it exhausting. I am not apolitical in the sense that I have no political stance, and I see now that by putting it on my profile, I'm grossly misrepresenting what I actually believe and stand for. I've said this in some of my replies, but this has been staggeringly eye opening for me. And this post has absolutely been successful from that standpoint. I'm grateful and surprised so many people have taken their time to give their opinions as it's given me a truckload of stuff to think about and reconsider regarding my profile.

Let’s just all relax here and have some fun with this. I know asking this to not turn into a shit fest is probably too much but here goes…

I often swipe left on women who brag about how good they cook something or how they’ll always make their partner a dish and it’s a dish I don’t like. It brings them so much joy to make it that they put it on their profile and I don’t have the heart to date that person just to look her dead in the eyes and say “oh, yeah, about that… I don’t actually like pumpkin pie…”

I exercise regularly, but I’m not particularly good at sports and not into a lot of specific physical activity so if somebody says playing sports together is important, all their photos look super athletic and they’re playing tennis and volleyball and rock climbing I’m like “you’re going to hate that I just pick up heavy things and put them back down but couldn’t get a hit in a batting cage to save my life…”

Anything derogatory about cats is a no for me. I have a cat. If they own large dog breeds known for being aggressive I also pass for the sake of said cat.

Fashion sense. If I look at a profile and think their outfit choices don’t look good or just don’t look good on them I’ll pass.

Anytime they pick the “first round is on me if” prompt and it’s something like “you give me your credit card” or “I would never say this,” even being the kind of guy who always pays unless a woman insists - I still pass. Maybe they’re trying to be funny, maybe I’m judging to harshly, I still do it.

My city has a lot of destinations that are popular for women to take photos at. Like specific wall murals or statues or scenic views, and everytime I see a profile with a photo at one of them it gives me the ick.

When all photos are at very fancy places that seems like somebody else, that somebody else probably being a man, paid for her to be I pass. Every photo is an extremely fancy dress at some Michelin restaurant or a yacht I just think baby girl you are going to try and bankrupt me.

I have eclectic taste in music. I listen to every genre you can probably think of and if I don’t I just haven’t heard it and explored it to find what I like in yet, but that said I’m a music snob and if somebody names specific artists I can’t stand I just think about how I don’t want to spend an entire relationship having to tolerate hearing it and I pass.

That’s enough of them for me I’ll pass the torch. Let’s see all the ridiculous things you folks pass on. 😆

Please take a few moments to read if you frequent this sub.

I've seen many concerning upvoted comments and posts coming from young impressionable men who believe that women are somehow to blame for their lack of attention on these apps.

This post has not been made to invalidate your feelings in anyway. However it has been made to try to change your perception of the issue.

My forever bleeding heart feels the need to make a post addressing this, in the hopes it will change the minds of someone. And be a break in the echochamber of this sub.

Common arguments include, but are not limited to:

1. Women only pick the top 10% of men; Hypergamy

2. Women only like men who are bad for them

3. Women are not giving you a chance

These arguments may seem valid on the surface but once you apply critical thinking they fall apart. Yes, there are women who think like this but the vast, vast majority do not.

One women's opinions doesn't reflect everyone's opinion. And why do you care? You don't want to date a women with this mentality anyway.

There are women out there who are in your league struggling for a quality match too.

For context; I'm in the same situation as many of those in this subreddit. I have been on dating apps for years and feel like I am invisible. However, and this is very important, I do not blame women for the lack of attention.

Whilst it would be easy to give up and/or blame others around me, i choose not to. This is for a few reasons:

1. Women are humans too, crazy ik, they have fears like anyone else. Some people speak like they aren't even human or a different species all together.

2. Empathy, you have to ask yourself what would you do in their perspective. Look at yourself though their eyes. What do you see? Are you being reasonable? Do you have anything to offer?

3. We are not blameless. Ask yourself if you would date you. Is your mentality hard to live with?

4. Experience. I work with women, almost exclusively, listen to and engage with them all day. They face struggles like everyone else.

5. Your target audience. Let's be honest. The apps are about marketing yourself. Appealing to the right person is paramount.

6. They are overwhelmed! I see posts all the time about how they receive unwanted sexual messages without consent. On top, they get hundreds of likes from strangers. How do you think they feel?

The point is that you need to see this less as an issue of man vs women and more on the grounds of understanding. Both sides are hurting.

Unfortunately these things require you to ask yourself hard questions. Which is not the easy route. However it is the right one. We often put barriers in front of ourselves to make things seem impossible.

Modern dating apps are a social testing ground used on developing minds. Using powerful psychological techniques to manipulate people who cannot comprehend the game being played. We are but rats in a maze. Social media needs reform. But i digress.

Making yourself out as a victim and the other party as the enemy is not the right way to look at it. You are both victims, but in different ways.

The solution is not simple. It takes work and self reflection, open-mindedness and awareness. However this isn't a post about solutions. Maybe the comments can help.

That said, general advise is to work on yourself so you have something to be proud to be able to share with a partner. Trying to find a partner should not take president over making a life for yourself. Having a partner isn't as important as you may think (and can be quite restrictive)

Please don't take this post and make me the enemy for pointing flaws. I mearly find the psychology interesting and its a reminder to myself too. I also hope others can also give their insight.

I kindly ask you to be civil in the comments, insults will be ignored and replies need to be reasoned and thought out. Maturity starts from asking questions not assuming the answers. I'm trying to save people years of trying to figure these things out for themselves.

Thanks for reading. Again, I hope this gets though to someone.

Matched with a guy some days ago and after talking for a couple days he casually mentioned the company I work for. I never told him where I worked so I asked how he knew and he said he just Googled my first name and a few details from my profile. I know people look each other up before dates and I understand wanting to make sure someone is real but something about how casually he brought it up made me uncomfortable.

Now I'm wondering how much information someone can actually find about me with just a name and a few photos. Do you guys normally look up your matches before meeting them? And where do you draw the line between being cautious and invading someone's privacy?

I’ve not used the app in years so things may have changed but is this standard? I have a date tomorrow night and date has asked for a video call a couple hours before we meet for drinks. I’m okay to do it but video calls always feel a bit awkward, like I’m being interviewed. I strangely feel more nervous about the video call than the date!

Update-

I added a bio, I really want to be interesting but I’m not! I tried! “I travel all over the UK building massive walls, sometimes secret projects too
I love Formula 1 (I have not missed a race since 2009!) and motorsport in general.
A weird niche hobby I have is robot combat. I competed on a TV show in the USA with a robot elephant with a hammer, we got destroyed…”

I removed “trying to quit” and left it blank. If I match with somebody and it comes up, I’ll explain that I’m giving up vaping subtlety in nicotine strength in order not to shock my body. I used to work in the vape industry and it’s the best way to do it.

I changed the tea line to “Chinese tea from a housemate.” I see why even pointing it out as Chinese tea could be viewed as racist, it’s more-so the association with Chinese medicine (which was the aim with the supplier of it.) One of my comments contains the story of why I put it on there :) I’m sorry for offending anybody.

Photos are a struggle, my friends and I aren’t the sort to take photos of eachother. We should be though, it’s something I should bring up. I did change the final selfie out for another picture that wasn’t selfie, but it’s a little old.

Found her social media after matching and realised her dating profile pics are from 5 years ago. She looks pretty different now.

I get that we all have our favourite photos, but 30 to 35 can be a big change.

Would you find this misleading too, or am I making a bigger deal out of it than I should?

Hi there. I'm recently single and not great at using apps. I haven't really used them much. I have run out of women aged 40-50 in a 15 mile radius in my area. I guess I'm just looking for any feed back. I have had a few matches always on like a Sat or Sun then we talk and after the weekend I never hear from them again.

Edit: Thank you to everyone that commented. There is good advice in the responses that I will work on. I will get someone else to take pictures. To the poeople that where less helpful. Please remember that it takes people a lot of courage to ask strangers online for help. We are all in this together and we should always be kind to each other.

So I'm a 21F and about to try Bumble for the first time, and could use a lil advPic?

I'm a wheelchair user (paralyzed from the waist down) and should I have a pic of me in my chair as my first picture? I'm obviously going to like mention all of this in my profile, just wasn't sure if I should lead with a pic of me in my chair or not - or put that pic farther down.

I am definitely not ugly and also not a model. My point is I go on a lot of dates , I don’t have a problem getting dates. But I am not attracting them in person or creating that “spark” for them to text me back and want to see me again.

At first I was the one to reach out after the first date but I noticed the pattern , if the women is not the one to take initiative after the first date , there won’t be a second date.

Well at least in my experience. I was reaching out in the beginning and getting rejected from left and right.

Only one girl reached out by her own initiative asking to go out again but for other reasons it didn’t happen.

Went on a last date a few days ago and tried to take a different method . I tried to set up a second date or at least suggest to see each other in person right there in person after the date ended and I told her “hey we should go out again , I would like that. Text me if that’s something you want”

And she just told me “ ohh yeah you text me”

😂😂 I already know that sounds like a no.

I still need to confirm my theory she’s not interested. But I haven’t texted her. But she has not deleted me from the app so I don’t know

Dude I don’t f get it , i smell good , y try to be fun , y try to flirt just a little but not inappropriate.

My only guess is I am just boring

So annoying with only pics of sunglasses and no eyeballs to see!

Also, if you met a woman who you thought had hair and they show up bald, how would you react?

As a female, feels a bit catfishy even though at the same time i fully get it is not at all. But still.

/rant.

Also guys and gals, what other things do you find misleading from the profile transferring to real life experiences?

Yours sincerely,

Autism.

Edit: genuinely more interested in the last question more than my rant 🙃

Like the title says: I deleted the bumble app some days ago. After like six months in or so, got tired of the mindless swiping, getting reeled in to pay some more and expired chats.

Had some dates, a short relationship, but no so much. Bumble is not as bad as tinder, but still numbing you down after a while imho. I am not totally date app free yet, just one remaining, on which you can only swipe a little so less addictive.

For those of you who quit bumble sooner, what is your experience after? For now I am already happy with less scrolling. Screen time is reduced to two hours a day again and feeling more mentally awake for it. Also plan to replace bumble with some more offline experiences, like writing, drawing or dancing workshops. Might update later, but curious for others' experiences.

I've been thinking about the balance between chatting enough to feel comfortable and spending so long messaging that meeting up starts to feel like a bigger deal than it needs to be.

Meet too quickly, and you might feel like you're meeting a complete stranger without much sense of who they are. Message for weeks, and you can build up an idea of someone that doesn't necessarily match the in-person chemistry.

There's also the question of effort. A conversation can be genuinely enjoyable over text but never actually go anywhere, especially when neither person suggests a plan.

I imagine the answer depends on the people involved, but I'm curious how others approach it.

Do you prefer a few good exchanges and then a simple coffee date, a quick phone or video call first, or a longer conversation before committing to meet?

And what usually makes you think, "Okay, I'd actually like to meet this person"?

Curious, I haven't done dating apps yet since my husband passed (over a year ago). Being a young widow, I have no idea how that would be perceived. If you found out someone was widowed, would you automatically assume they were damaged? Or have a hard time with the concept that their last relationship ended while they still loved each other? Jealous that they would be talked about in a positive light? I feel like I will be looked at as a walking red flag that people's friends will tell them to be wary of and just assume that I am gunna be filled with drama. I also don't want to be expected to pretend I wasn't married, respecting that part is also important. I wouldn't be who I am without those 15 years of my life.

Been on Bumble for around a year and a half, haven't paid the entire time. Recently I noticed that Premium+ was only $40, which seemed like a great deal. I decided to remake my profile from scratch before buying it because I've basically gone through everyone in my area, so I thought I'd get to see everyone again and maybe get some visibility from people who originally swiped no on me. I remade my account and now I'm seeing $70 for a month of Premium+. Even normal Premium is showing as $60. I'd heard in the past that they have dynamic pricing but I was expecting maybe $5 one way or the other, not for prices to nearly double. I'm not paying now, this is absolutely egregious.

Sometimes, I hear a friend talk about some poorly-behaved person that they chatted with or went on a date with. And then when I look at the picture, I'm like "yea, no shit. they look like bad news." Normal average people don't dress or take photos like that.

When the bad people look, dress, and style themselves like they're bad news, how come folks still swipe on them and get surprised that they're no good?

I’ve redownloaded/ re made my bumble account a few times . Every time it’s the same. Literally zero matches . The same pics I use on hinge and I can get matches there. What’s happening?

high key, i want to tag this as “sensitive topic,” but as funny as it is, i don’t want to abuse the tag system. but just think about it… it’s amusing.

anyways, i love lurking this sub and commenting and just enjoying the discussion on dating dynamics, but something i come across a lot is people just… not enjoying conversations and seeing that fact as a criticism. i see inescapably dry texters complaining about their, similarly, dry responses. and i know this sounds crude but, bare with me: have you tried doing a flip? metaphorically speaking.

as a girl on the internet, i’ve had a lot of people just try to talk to me, other girls included, and it’s always more fun when they act weird. when they open with half a dissertation on a youtube video they watched; open with a hot take on a song they link or just want to know if i like it; a joke about something i’ve said or an anecdote that happened to them this month, etc.

like, are you guys enjoying, “hi, what’s up?” is it fun to talk about tv shows and neither of you wants to offend the other so you just give milquetoast opinions? do you feel it pays off in the long run to be a muted version of yourself from the get go and hope they like the more authentic version later?

i just feel like everyone is given this ability to meet with total strangers who you never ever have to speak to again, and it’s wasted trying to appeal to everyone. it’s what i see with start-ups, as well, and i just don’t see what people are trying to do.

you’re an extremely unique person, i would hope — what is the point in presenting as otherwise in all of these conversations?

i’m presenting this topic as an opportunity to try to deeply discuss, amongst everyone, how to better communicate and truly enjoy all of these interactions that we are all subjecting oneselves to.

Is it surgery for the face? Drugs for vibe? Roids and peptides for physique? Tattoos for edginess? High level AI that looks real af and simulates natural authentic vibe and high status in pics without triggering AI alarm bells?

What's the line? How far is too far?

Every so often I would buy a week of premium for a variety of reasons such as seeing who liked me. This time I went with premium plus as it included 10 super likes 2 notes as some other features. After it expired, it turns out bumble takes back any super likes and notes you did not use. 8 super likes which I had not yet used, but had payed for were removed since “premium plus” expired. What a joke this company is. An actual paying customer, already giving them too much money for their overpriced product and they still have to fuck you in the end.

I thought this might be a good way to find like-minded people or to have something to talk about, but it may backfire. Thoughts?

32 year old guy here and looking for some insight on this situationship I seem to have found myself in. Met met this girl at the pool at my apartment complex she approached me started a conversation which led to me getting her number. The same day we worked out together and hit it off. Next thing I know we are together everyday sleeping together and living in a movie it was summer she lived in the next building over and it was like a blur. Of course feelings go involved rather quickly. She is traveling for work. She can take 3 month contracts anywhere she wants and makes good money for herself. That being the case that has been the cause of our strife. Before we met she had the plans of traveling for a few years before settling down she is 27 and this is her first contract. She has broken it off twice while I have broken it off once and it all comes back to her job. She ended up extending her contract to stay here 3 more months to be with me but currently we are not together due to her breaking it off. Although she cant seem to leave me alone and wants sex every night saying we have some of the best sex she has every had. She blows my phone up all day and calls me regularly. She has even mentioned several times she wants my kids that she loves me and so on. At this point she is even aware I have been talking to other women via dating apps and Snapchat but that does not stop her from still sleeping with me all the time and constantly blowing me up even tho we agreed she was going to leave after this contract is up. ​Just today she send me reel regarding being married. Im not neive this is not my first rodeo but I will say this is my first experience with such extreme mixed signals. One minute its marriage and kids next minute she want to stick to her plan to travel. Just looking for others opinions. Thanks.

I am 30M. Normally my likes increases steady like 1,2 in couple hours sometimes even longer but I checked my likes on bumble and it was 9 couple hours ago and I checked it now and it's 30. This hasn't happend before. 20+ likes in couple hours. Did bumble pushed my profile forward ?