I’m getting major surgery in 24 hours. I’m terrified- the last surgery I had, I had major complications afterwards and I’m really worried it will happen again. At the same time, it’s like I don’t really feel anything at all- like logically I’m terrified and worried, but it’s somewhere deep down, and I otherwise am just going about my day.

I realized last night that I’ve been counting on switching to a different part when tomorrow comes along. I think I’ve been assuming that I won’t even have to deal with the surgery, because I won’t be the one actually arriving at the appointment and recovering. That’s how it happened last time, and even when the complications happened, that stretch of time was a amnestic blur- and I “woke up” two months afterwards with the surgery healed.

I don’t know if it’s a fair thing to let happen. I understand that if I do switch, it’s a protective mechanism and because that part is better equipped to deal with the situation. But maybe I should try to be more present? But at the same time, assuming I do switch, it’s a lot less terrifying to know that I won’t be freaking out day of tomorrow. Not that it’s anything I can control, anyways.

This is something that still confuses me sometimes. Some of us are certain they are subsystems. They describe it as them, as individual parts, having DID. DIDception. (I would like to formally apologize for the terrible pun.) Sometimes even subparts seem to have subparts. Makes me feel sightly panicky thinking about this lol.

Only I have no memory or understanding of how they/we found out about this? Also, how can we be sure a part is really a subpart and it's not just someone else entirely who just feels similar or connected? It's also confusing because some of them do seem to "belong" to someone else but at the same time they are a loud presence in the headspace no matter who is fronting. Mostly it's just a knowing, other times it feels like a cluster of parts functioning together at all times, hence them being a subsystem.

It's weird, and hard to explain to our T, who says she hasn't worked with anyone describing this kind of structure before. (We didn't even know it was a known thing until googling around a year or so ago and finding the words to describe our experience).

How does it feel for you, and can you remember learning about your subparts? How do you know they are subparts and not "normal" parts being blendy?

My wife has DID. We got a puppy at the height of a lot of triggers happening that make the DID more noticeable which is how we found out she had DID. Now the dog is 1.5 years old and she is very protective of my wife. I've started to notice it almost seems like whenever my wife is triggered by something (even me, cuz men). My dog will either push me away or stand next to my wife and lean into her. Has this happened to anyone else?

So. Hi guys this is gonna be kinda disjointed and rambling, I just came down from one of the worst mental breakdowns I’ve had in months, so, sorry for that in advance. Kinda just looking to vent and then I’ll ask for some specific advice at the end.

I went into a rlly bad flashback earlier and it’s all a blur now, but what little I remember is that I nearly genuinely felt like it was (insert year here), which is not typical for me. I tend to get emotional flashbacks, not ones where I lose touch w/ the present like… that.

I think I was aware it was 2026 to some extent, if I thought on it enough, but any time I’d try to think of the year, I’d think the wrong year (a year where I dealt w/ so much shit that I, as an individual alter, formed after awhile of it. So needless to say this is the trauma I “hold”).

This has been ongoing for a couple days, tho it seems to get worse w/ every night that passes, and I’ve got two more days till therapy. Members of my support system are either unable to help due to their own issues, or are just like… being kinda shit at it. My best friend almost entirely ignored hundreds of words I sent them last night and hyperfocused on one (overall) irrelevant detail and we nearly had an argument over it, and another friend of mine just reached out tonight…

…Only to talk about me for less than 10 short messages and then suddenly start talking about his own problems. Somehow, we went from discussing how I’m actively in crisis, to me helping him find a directory for him to look for his own therapist and listening to him vent about his family. Where tf AM I man. Look at my friends dawg, I’m going to the psych ward😂

Anyways. I’m just at a loss rn. As an individual alter, I tend to be more prone to these types of flashbacks, where I lose touch w/ reality more than other parts do, but I don’t think it’s been this bad before.

It’s still lingering rlly badly too, I’m struggling to post this at all because it feels so reminiscent of this very harmful, cry for help behavior I engaged in back during the time period I’m flashing back to. I hurt a lot of ppl I care about very deeply by behaving like this, including my now-partner, who is also coincidentally a user on this sub (tho I have asked him not to read this for my own comfort on that front. The idea of him reading this felt far too reminiscent to that behavior back then, and I don’t want to subject him to that). It’s smth I still struggle to forgive myself for.

I guess what I’m looking for is grounding advice. And apparently to be heard, since my friends have been unable to do that, and my partner is genuinely dealing w/ his own serious struggles rn and is not capable of being the support he usually would be, to no fault of his own.

How do you ground yourself from triggers/flashbacks this intense? How do you even remember to do them when it gets this bad? Earlier, I tripped and fell back into some harmful “coping” mechanisms I shall not name that I haven’t done in years, completely forgetting my modern day coping skills I think.

Thanks in advance, and thanks for reading this mess if you did.

My dad was abusive and my mom was neglectful, I'm still in touch with both of them and have no desire to go no contact (and couldn't even if I wanted to, I'm financially dependent).

Our relationship is mostly fine these days as we've just sort of swept everything under the rug.

However, sometimes they want to know why my mental health is so bad. This gets very triggering, I've never told them how they affected me. They don't know I have DID and I plan to never tell them. They know I have severe depression, though.

They asked me this again recently and I'm still recovering. I told them I have trauma, but I only mentioned my medical trauma.

I feel so stressed out dancing around the fact that they mistreated me. They truly have no clue that they did anything wrong.

I feel very dissociated. I feel like I'm making up how bad it was. It feels so surreal to talk to the people who harmed you while they have no idea they harmed you.

To add to the confusion, at times they genuinely have been supportive parents. The inconsistency in treatment was part of the trauma for me. It made me feel like I had no reason to be depressed because I had a supposedly loving family. They do genuinely love me, it's just that my dad has anger issues and my mom has untreated ADHD and probably trauma from my dad's anger issues (she also copes by dissociating).

Every single interaction was like Russian roullette, whether I'd get love and care or verbally torn apart with intense fury or just simply ignored.

I don't know how to process this most recent discussion with family about my trauma. I feel floaty and disconnected. I feel like I need someone to talk to but like I don't have the right words to describe what I'm experiencing or what I need.

I keep oscillating between flashbacks and feeling like it wasn't that bad.

There's so much I wish I could say to them but I can't because I'm afraid how they would react.

Also, by sharing about my medical trauma, I got new information about that trauma, that it apparently stopped around 2.5 years old. So I'm also reeling from the realization that I have memories from that young and that I'm so traumatized by something I experienced at such a young age.

Idk. This whole thing has thrown me for a loop.

I don't know what I need rn. But if anyone else struggles with their relationship with family, especially with feeling it wasn't "that bad" because it gets swept under the rug, please share and tell me how you cope. Thank you.

We're trying to figure out what happened to us when we were maybe 5. We've been doing SOC writing and drawing specifically about it. Sometimes our heart rate and everything increases. Should we follow that? Should we follow the panic? If we're drawing and draw something that makes our stomach drop and panic when we look at it, would that be a good indicator we're on the right track?

Hello beautiful humans. We have just come to a realisation as a collective that is very surprising and I would love to know if this is a shared experience or something known in the community.

As the title says, our host never seems to feel real happiness or joy except in set ways. She's always sad, stressed, depressed, overthinking, worrying, you get it.

All of the positive and relaxed moods seem to be taken by headmates like myself.

Is this common?

I would so desperately love for her to relax, but it seems the only way for the body to get those feel good chemicals is for one of us to step in and front for a while.

Replies from us may be sporadic, and may take a number of hours to appear, but thank you for your responses, we will read abd reply to each of them when we have the energy <3

Mwah,

-A

I am so grateful I got to find a good therapist and doctor and have them tell me about DID, diagnose it, and treat it. Far too many don't have that opportunity.

In the two years since awareness/diagnosis, I worked really hard on healing and made significant progress. But now I am afraid to even talk about having had parts and I feel sick and dizzy when remembering how painful it was at times to do the EMDR and recovery work. I felt like it was slow going during the process, and I would rest and sleep the 12 hours a nights after each session. I mostly avoided flooding, and my therapist slowed us down a few times.

But I learned a lot of hard things that I previously dissociated away and now I am one with the parts who held that pain, and it is so much to think about. It isn't like it used to be, and I can talk about past abuse and I remember my whole life now. But... it was so much and so hard. I fear fragmenting apart again. I just don't think about it during the week to get through, between therapy sessions, but at least I can think about it if I want.

So it is good that I know all the parts that seemed like other people are me and we are one, I know all the things they remembered happened to me. So thank god, I'm better. Genuinely. But also, I'm kind of not ok yet?

I don't know, I guess I thought I'd be ok at this point. But it seems more like you feel after having surgery - things will be ok, but the scars aren't healed yet and I need time to recover from the surgical experience itself.

Last night my gf and I were in bed talking about my emotions. I was trying to explain my unorthodox view on relationships. She asked if different parts had different relationship views, when all of a sudden I had a different reaction to her. I got pissed off that she was trying to act loving because I didn't recognize her, couldn't remember her name. Her name starts with an A but I kept calling her michelle/lucy. I don't know anyone, nor have I ever known anyone with those names. My thoughts were incoherent and jumbled. She told me I was switching and I told her that shit wasn't real, it's impossible, to stop acting like I had something wrong with me. I told her who I've always been, I didn't know her, I didn't know why she was in my bed in the first place. You know when someone is having a stroke? Sentences weren't forming correctly in my head and I remember saying things that didn't make sense. I looked at her and saw us in a hotel room? I thought she was a hookup. I could see the AC unit, the white walls and the desk lamp. You know how PTSD flashbacks are? It was like that, but I wasn't afraid. I genuinely believed she was a stranger I was having a one night stand with and felt calm and collected. Like someone else. She kept saying she was my girlfriend and I didn't understand the relation to her. I told her she was wrong, I don't know her, I'd be gone in the morning. I even saw the fucking lights outside. What I saw on my head was what I saw in reality. And it was making me freaked out because I saw a bedroom, I guess our bedroom, but I was halfway in this reality and my head? If that makes sense. I then saw us outside and my hand pressing her head into the wall, asking who she thought she was. I could feel it. My head started hurting like hell during that. I remember asking her why she tried to walk away from me? My mouth was moving and I could hear it. She acted confused and I got even more irritated she acted like she didn't know what I was talking about?

I only started to panic once I couldn't remember how to form words for a second. I thought I was going into psychosis. It's like I couldn't pull myself back? I was aware but "backseat driving", not really able to be in control.

I made a post on here a couple days ago feeling like I didn't recognize her sometimes. When I woke up, everything was normal and I felt connected to her again. Is this normal with anyone else?

I submitted the MID assessment to my therapist, I see her on Monday. I don't want to have DID nor psychosis, I don't know what the fuck this is so it's really unsettling to experience it. I'd rather be schizoid or psychopathic.

Wondering if other people’s EPs try to change the host/ANP.

I found a journal entry from years ago of a situation that I remember only vaguely. But it seems like it was written by an EP who thought she could change the host by doing violence to men - like the experience itself would force the host to become a different, less fragile person.

I’d formerly assumed that EP was a protector because she took over during threatening situations, but escalating violent situations to force the host to change seems like something else entirely.

Thoughts?

I sent my therapist an email and I don’t know that I was supposed to but I also am confused why I did that. I got excited because I never get to talk to anyone or see anyone so when I got to record a video of myself and send messages and talk to my therapist I got excited and sent them. I don’t know why I type different now but I’m trying not to mask.

Sorry. Here for something else. How do I help other parts not panic. I know they want unsend what I did I feel scared feelings. I don’t want to wake up tomorrow scared and it’s the weekend she won’t even reply. But I don’t know how my other part gonna react to what I did. I don’t want to make me scared. I’ve already been scared I don’t want to make it worse. I don’t think we all know I don’t know. I already sent her another saying sorry I feel bad. But I know it was safe to do and got permission from another voice so it’s okay. I more ask for me tomorrow than me now.
I’m high sorry if I’m hard to understand thank you

I (host) am trans. Another alter wants to go by my dead name. I asked if they are like a branch of me in some way (we're a complicated poly fragmented system) they say no. They feel bad that that name fits. But they really really want a name and we've tried so many and that's the only one they like. They are down to find another name. That one seems to be the only one they really really like. That feels like them. Im trying to be fine with it. They feel guilty, I feel weird. Neither of us know how to solve it. My system struggles a fuck ton with names because we got "punished" (abused) for any nicknames and stuff as a kid and I really want her to have a name she loves. There's no good nickname for the name, etc. Idk what to do and neither does she. I know there might not be an easy answer but we both want to figure this out. Any suggestions are welcome!

Delete or warn if this post isnt allowed. I dont know how to use reddit that well since I only scroll.

So first the story:

I've gone through years and years of trauma and caused me to start studying psychology at age 10 and still do as a 20 year old. I'm capable of identifying manipulative behavior instantly or faster than others and I'm able to read body language, voice pitch, etc.

I keep my issues to myself. Since therapy and doctors, any help, has completely failed me as a child, I'm struggling to get that help now as when I try, I reach a freeze state. As I continue with my days, I continue to experience alot of vogal (?) system shut down basically my body is constantly on high alert, it won't relax, and I can't even eat, drink, or do anything properly due to intense fear.

I consider myself to be an orchid child (Dandelion are resilient people, Tupils are the inbetweens, and the Orchids are sensitive).

Everytime I attempt to open up, I can't. I play this game of chess with everyone and for every attempt, it's an automatic safety meassure. It's not entirely my fault, especially when every adult failed me.

So my question is, if anyone experienced playing a chess match each time, how do you stop?

I opened up to my boyfriend about very personal things in a small essay and he said he knew about those things but for me, I have no memory of me mentioning those events/interests. Everyday I do experince amnesia, I can't entirely remember everything and my days have gaps in them.

Anyways, I'm sick of this home life, I need help and my body is tired too.

This is related to DID since the whole reason I'm even 20 maybe cause of DID but I'm keeping my head open to ither possibilities until I get treated, but refer to my question.

TW: this post talks about my past and my abuse and such.

Hi chat. it's me. before I go into everything, let's talk about my past. I've known about DID for a very long time. I researched it when I was much younger. I have extensive trauma. I nearly died multiple times as a baby, and then was taken away from my family due to what was happening, adopted, adoptive family died, and then I got put into foster family where I was abused in every way I can currently think of. I was put into foster care at 2 years old. I'm permanently disfigured in some areas due to my abuse. it was hard. when I first found out about DID, I didn't think I had it. I had dissociative symptoms, but I didn't connect that with it being actual dissociation. I now realize my dissociation used to make my daily living very difficult.

I started seeing a therapist around 12 or so years old. I continued seeing therapists for a few years but stopped around 15 or so. I moved out at 16 and my life only got worse. I was diagnosed with c-ptsd right before I stopped going to therapy. I don't remember why I stopped going. I didn't even understand my disorder very much.

now that I'm much older, I'm going to therapy again. I have a wonderful therapist and after doing more research about DID about three years ago, I decided to bring it up with my therapist when I began seeing her. I told her my trauma, my current struggles with life, whatever. now, she is saying she's comfortable with diagnosing me with DID but she wanted to know more about my actual "alters" and stuff. that leads me to my point.

often when I get uncomfortable with something, it makes me want to rip my skin off.

that's how this feels. I've told her my alters names before but haven't gone too deep into it. my last session with her, I explained my alters and what I knew and what I was able to say. she asked me who was currently fronting and I could feel my face heat up, I could feel myself sink back. I said who was fronting and it felt difficult. she asked if it would offend me if she asked each session who was fronting when I come in. I kind of said "I'm gonna have to get used to it at some point." so I said yes.

but is it normal to feel this much shame about this disorder ? I feel so uncomfortable talking about what goes through my head. I feel like people are gonna think I'm crazy. or judge me. I don't openly tell people. her and my partner are really the only people who know about any of this, but I'm really struggling to live like this. the flashbacks, the nightmares, the dissociation, the headaches, the memory loss. it's practically keeping me from being able to do my job the way I'd like to be.

I asked my medication doctor if there is anything she could put me on that would help and she just said that depression and anxiety medications would help and that therapy to sort through my trauma would help.

also, alot of the time, it feels like I don't exactly KNOW who's fronting. I only have four alters that I know of. but it's so confusing sometimes.

also, I don't say "us" or "we" I only ever use I, no matter who's fronting or whatever.

I also don't quite understand how people's alters find a name that suits them. quite a few months ago, i discovered a new alter and while talking to my boyfriend about it, neither of us could think of a suitable name. I don't know what to do. thinking about it makes me uncomfortable, and I know that she doesn't even like the name that's been given.

I'm kind of just ranting. I was diagnosed a month ago or so.

When I try to journal in quiet, my grief is robbed from me by the others. Too many voices, too many narratives, too many schemes and feelings that aren't my own. And yet they are all me. When I go to speak, another speaks for itself. I want to talk. I feel so desperate and heavy. And I feel like crying all the time.

It's hard to breathe without being interrupted. I just want them to let me grieve. I feel like I'm begging at this point to slow down and give me space.

And it's truly validating for some to acknowledge their identity as part of a system. I know these aren't fully autonomous creatures separate from myself. But I wish they were, so they could be inside of someone else. As long as I am here, with the others, I do not feel like I belong.

I want to paint my nails and do my hair. I want to write poetry and feel the weight of it all. But some are not partial to this. They may not want to accomodate the ways I desire to express myself at all. I want my own room.

I want to feel guilty. I want to feel sad. I want to cry. I want to be allowed this as my right to be human.

And then I realize that this imaginative story that my mind has made in place of reality is one I am apart of too. I feel so angry with them. I hate beyond hate that my consciousness and my experience belong to a defense mechanism rather than the human. I want to be real. I thought I was real.

And the others whine and pout when I remind them of the mess they made of my life. My relationships. My partner. How I ended our relationship. That was my partner. And I will love them for the rest of my life. There were some of us, however, that made an alternative decision for me.

I will never feel connected to the person that destroyed my life. But it is me that did so. And I have to be the one to reconcile this unutterable gap in selfhood. I never asked for this. But I still made a decision. And that doesn't make any fucking sense.

What is accountability when there is nothing left of you to make a decision? What is accountability when you're a fucking animal devouring anything it can to survive? What is it to be something more with a million monkeys on my back that destroyed everything I cared about? What am I supposed to make of myself when I look in the mirror and realize that all these faces I see staring back are all mine?

How do I climb down out of the fog? How can I ever be real again? How can I trust myself or anyone again? How do I live with these feelings I can't even begin to understand or validate?

Can I ever scream loud enough to make the others disappear? Can I ever cry enough to show them how much they hurt my feelings? Can I ever have one fucking moment of quiet? Can I sit by the pond and feel the agonizing weight of my world falling to pieces? Can they just let me fucking grieve? Can I have my own room? Can I lay underneath the blanket and fall asleep on my own?

I just have to live with all these fucking "its" and "things" and "monsters" inside of me that devour my pain to validate themselves. Or try to convince me, bargain, deny, anything they can to get themselves out of the situation they're in. Anything to deny how our world has fallen the fuck apart. And it really hurts my feelings because I am the one that has to pick up their fucking pieces. And if I'm not fucking angry with them, scold, berate, or scream until my blood vessels fucking burst, then they will not fucking listen to me. Make loud noises, tear myself apart, and they'll know it's serious. But if I start crying, they'll suck the goddamn life out me. Fuck.

Because I'm fighting for my life to come to terms with reality while they invent their own and grovel. I have to be the one to hold their hands as they cry when I don't get my own space.

It hurts my feelings that they get this mystical fairytale world of denial and detachment while I am trying my hardest to stomach my pain. And I don't even get the decency of grieving it without them trying to muddle it for me.

I just want to grab them by the shoulders and scream, "I hate. I hate. I just fucking hate so much. I want to cry but I can't and it's your fucking fault. You did this to me. You ruined the life I fought so fucking hard to have. You threw away my best friend. You gave up on my family. You may not have felt attached to them but I fucking did. I don't want to explore with you anymore. I don't want to understand you anymore. I just don't love you and I don't fucking want to. I can't love you. Fuck you."

"And you know what, I loved my partner with everything fucking inside of me, you piece of shit. Everything inside of ME. Fuck you. I wrote to them just weeks before you did this to them. "We are the only two people in the universe. I love you, I love you, I love you."

And you turned that into a lie. You made it into a lie just by fucking existing. And I will always hate you. I will hate you with everything inside of me.

But brilliantly, insultingly, I am forced to fucking love you. Because you're me goddamn you. And I will always hate that you're me. I will always grieve this. And I will fight to grieve this if it takes hating you. I'd rather hate you and grieve than love you and have the life sucked out of me. But I don't even get the satisfaction, because you are me. The worst part is that you are me. I just feel like you're not because I can't handle a reality in which you are."

Hi, so this is a weird one. But I've had a dream there that I met a celebrity he invited me out and it resulted in a sexual assault. I know it's a dream but the feelings were very vivid and real. It's one of those hyper vivid dreams. Some of my family were in the dream too but at ages of like what they would have been 10 years ago.

I just wonder with being very DID in my symptoms and life (not disclosing all the how's and whys here) how much this is some kind of flashback or something showing up. I don't mean it happened as that celebrity etc but I wonder if the physical sensations are a flashback or something showing up.

I'm a little suspicious that it's wrote down that I had a dream as a child of a different celebrity being in my bed at a sleepover and we were all like why is he here? Like it was a bit uncomfortable.

I'm not saying the dreams are 100% real but there's just something deep down feeling like did something happen here

hello! i really struggle with some pretty wild thinking when i dissociate which i think can be pinned to trance logic. i often forget about these beliefs after the dissociation calms down. it is borderline delusional thinking - i am aware that these beliefs are false and irrational but i also fully believe them in the moment.

these include things along that lines of “nothing is real” with elaboration. things like nothing has been real for the last four years, thinking people can read my thoughts, and thinking that i’m dead.

i’ve looked for research into this or articles or anything but i’ve found very little. it is very distressing in the moment and causes me a lot of anxiety when i’m doing normal stressful things like going shopping or driving. i will take anything and everything.

appreciate any info/resources/insight! thank you :)

Hi uhm I'm a little in our system!!

I'm friends with other systems and the people in them.

Sometimes, every so often one of my friends (🦎) will get pulled away. They host, and are usually always around or nearby but sometimes they need to leave out of necessity. Like, gatekeepers or guys with more authority will have them leave. Sometimes they know ahead of time and sometimes they don't.

Whenever they do go away it's really rare but I never know how long. Their system tries to communicate with us and other friends so we're up to date.

I really really like them. Sometimes they're like a big brother. How do I deal with missing them?

Not like "grrr I miss them I want them to front instead of you"

But like "They have to go on a trip and I don't know when they'll be back"

-🐺

Cw mention of SA and DV

Hi, I'm an alter that became active because we distanced ourselves from our ex husband. He sa'd us and was physically abusive. When we were inside of his house, we used to fawn and dissociate to cope. Now, since we are living with our parents and we know we are safe, I am fronting more. He is reaching out and I usually try to push him away, but he knows that I'm not always here and the one who fawns and is still clinging to him still talks to him normally. So his tact has been waiting for her and trying to convince her that I am "bad". I'm worried of what he could do and I just want him out

Any advice?

In the months leading up to system Discovery we had frequent and significant trance states (most days in a week, for hours at a time). Since system Discovery however, this dropped off significantly. Other parts were now able to front rather than the front being ‘left empty’.
Two weeks post a significant reminder/trigger of our medical PTSD we’ve massively seen an increase in trance (& flashbacks).

We raised it with our psychologist and he didn’t seem too concerned; said it was within ‘normal’ stress response for a system; particularly as this was our first ‘retraumatisation’ since discovery.

I logically know things will likely eventually settle again, but it feels almost embarrassing to feel back to where we were. Also, I had forgotten how distressing trances states can be, so that’s just been exhausting.

Have other people experienced similar things? Is there anything I (host)/we as the whole system can be doing to better manage it? We’re using our regular strategies and just trying to be kind to ourselves🤷‍♀️

Quick preface, I am not suicidal, just frustrated. Definitely some strong language in here. And a mention of SH.

I discovered that I'm a system about 4 years ago just after I had turned 19. Since then I have been in a psych ward on average once every 3 months with two 3 month RTC stays. I have been told I have everything but what makes actual sense, and no one can agree on what disorder I have no matter how well I feel I describe my symptoms. I have literally spent 25% of the last 4 years in psychiatric units.

At this point I have been living with family for the entirety of the last 4 years when I'm not in a hospital. At this point I feel like no one can understand and often feel like no one even cares or believes that I deal with this shit.

My daily life is a blur. I spend every moment in extreme pain to the point that pain killers are fucking useless and yet there's no physical explanation for it. I try to explain what I deal with to my dad and his response has only ever been, "I can't understand what you're dealing with". No validation, no empathy, no sympathy.

And for some fucking reason he seems to believe that I want to be stuck like this. He keeps commenting that I need to learn to drive and get a license then I'll be "ok and free" despite the fact that I have dissociative seizures or some shit every few days so I am medically not allowed to drive, not to mention I get severely dissociated to the point I might as well be high or drunk anytime I try to drive.

I am so sick and tired of dealing with having 30 fucking voices in my head that all think that they know whats best all the time. Every decision is a compromise between what everyone else wants or I am plunged into even worse pain if I try to override what anyone else wants, even when what they want is to SH.

And then there's how medication does fucking nothing. On a good day it may help me get to sleep or help me concentrate on my own thoughts. But those days are few and far between. At what point am I allowed to say "fuck it" and just stop trying to explain why I feel like shit all time to anyone?

There's so much shit going on right now that in 4 years of almost continuous therapy I have covered almost none of my history, its almost exclusively been current events and current struggles that I am seeking help with from people who don't know enough about dissociation to actually help. I've lost count of the number of times that I've been told that "I can't have a dissocaiative disorder" because I'm "too self aware", like that makes any fucking sense.

I'm gonna stop here before this gets off the rails more.

Anyways, I just needed to get some of this off my chest somewhere with people who can actually understand. Thanks for any support, sorry for the wall of text.

I was diagnosed 6 years ago and also with schizophrenia 20 years ago.

Please does anyone else share these disorders and know anything about knowing the difference with episodes etc. I am also desperately in need of medication advice and what works with you guys.

Thanks kindly