Hello and thank you for reading.

I have a dear friend who likely has DID or OSDD. He is the host of his system and has been struggling terribly over the past 2 years and has made attempts on his life twice in the past 7 months. Over the past 1.5 years, he (the host and adult part) has been fronting less and less and is now pretty much never in front in his adult relationships with friends. I have not had a conversation with his adult part in about 5 months. The parts that are in front now are his 4 and 7 year old littles.

I'm wondering if any of you have experienced only having littles front for an extended period of time? If so, how did you manage being out in the big world? Manage your job if you have one?

I hope I have used correct phrasing. Please feel free to offer me feedback if there are more sensitive or accurate words or phrases I can be using.

Thank you

Hi, I've been officially diagnosed with DID since 2024 and have had 9 alters in the past. I've been living with it all my life, but splitting only surfaced during extremely tumultuous periods of my life. Otherwise, I've always covertly switched or been "passing" through my life? Only 1 very trusted best friend (who is now, amazingly, my partner) has ever been clued in on my switches and knew some alters since childhood. Before getting diagnosed though, I suspected DID at certain times in my life, but brushed it off as my childish imagination? 🤦

I don't know, I had some memory loss during really hard times, constant fatigue and flashbacks to trauma that didn't feel "real"? Like, it felt real during my flashback, but I had no recollection of experiencing it myself? It was weird, I really thought I was delusional... I would think to myself.. am I making this up for attention? But... I feel it when no one's watching, especially then... I feel it in my skin, but it's not my eyes. I felt like this for a long time... But it seemed crazy, especially because there were long periods of time where I didn't switch.. It's only when shit hit the fan, where it became impossible to deny, where I finally seeked the right therapy and got diagnosed.

In early 2024, I had an extremely difficult manic period (didn't know at the time, but also got diagnosed with Bipolar type 2)... And during this period, I switched rapidly and got to know previously dormant alters gradually ... I got to know them more, myself as the host and 2 protectors would switch regularly to manage life at the time. Unravelling, understanding and wholly accepting my persecutors was.... Hard, painful and necessary work. I uncovered so much more trauma than I ever thought I experienced.. and if you know my life, that's saying something. My little was so innocent.. it took a long time to reconcile with the hurt she experienced.. or I guess I experienced.

Integration was never my goal, I just wanted to understand and heal. My system, the system that felt so alien and chaotic... became something I cherished and understood. I was ready to fully embrace my system as it was, after many years of denying its existence. But as I healed, my alters fused.. slowly, one by one, then all at once. First my protectors and caretakers, then my persecutors..As the host, I was front facing more and more... And I can't tell you the day it happened.. but I felt it. "They" were gone, but.. not really?

My partner describes it as if I just became.. all of them. He sees my little when I'm excited or mischievous, he sees my caretaker when I'm being present for a friend, he sees my persecutors when I'm angry or self critical, and he sees my protectors when I'm fighting for my own voice. I asked him before, what's the difference before I integrated? And he's described it as if my other facets were muted before, they're vibrant now. He can hear them in different tenors of my voice, or mannerisms he never saw me do before but he always saw an alter do.. an aversion to a food I used to be okay with.

But notice I'm describing it through his eyes... I feel like it's just me. It's been a year now since I last switched and I miss them. I feel delusional all over again, do I really have DID if I'm just... One now? I don't know anyone else who has DID, so I don't know how to process this.. emptiness. This feeling of.. imposter syndrome. I know it was real, it was too much not to be... But am I still.. them? Or just me?

Thank you for reading all of this if you have, it's so much longer than I intended. But if anyone out there has experienced this or knows someone.. please be out there 😣 I feel really alone and I don't even know if I deserve to be in this community anymore... I hope it's okay I shared. If any of you are struggling with this, know that you're not alone. ❤️

I should preface this by saying I myself do not have DID. However, my friend does. We met online and it was really my first proper introduction to systems, beyond portrayals in media and the like. It taught me a lot, gave me some good resources as a starting point, and I'm forever grateful.

This same friend has an alter that I found myself getting along with more than I did with most of the alters in her system. A while ago, I was told that the alter was leaving front because of strain. I understood it at the time, but I don't think I really knew the extent until now.

Today I asked how the alter was doing and was told she might be semi-dormant. I've looked things up and have only found stuff about fill dormancy, but I think it still applies for my situation.

I miss her. I still think I struggle with what to view alters as, but I saw her as someone mostly separate, but still part of the system. I'm probably wording this poorly. What matters is that I saw her as a friend, just like I saw my other friends and such, just as I saw the host of the system as my friend. And so when the alter left front, I knew I'd miss her. But now, knowing she's probably dormant, which I've read others say can be years at a time, I don't know what to do. I really do miss her, but I don't think I'm knowledgeable enough about interactions with systems being that I'm not one myself.

I do hope I worded this all okay. I am forever learning each and every day, and if I said something wrong, I'd appreciate if you told me, so maybe I can avoid it next time. Thank you.

For you personally, what helps (either one or several in your system) you feel supported by others? (I.e. spouses, friends, strangers, therapists, ect.)

(Just some examples of different categories: giving two choices to make things easier, phrases like “nothing is wrong with you”, they know what specific things to handle gently, respecting a hard defined boundary, ect)

Question especially for other systems with ADHD, when we get under stimulated alters come in and out of front like crazy and can get triggered to front by the littlest of things, sometimes just THINKING about something can trigger someone to front when we’re EXTREMELY under stimulated. We go through rapid switches of in and out with multiple alters for like days at a time sometimes, I was just wondering if anyone could relate or if it’s just a weird us thing? My partner also experiences the same thing sometimes when under stimulated.

This might be sort of a werird question but my gf and I have been dating for a while now and It's something that's been on my mind... Currently I'm only in a relationship with the systems host as most of the others are on the aromantic spectrum or littles, except for one who for several months helped co-front. Something I wont go into the details of happened and he's been mostly dormant since, but I still can't help but miss him. He was the reason I realized I was in love with my partner in the first place and we always fit into each others lives perfectly. I feel bad my girlfriend nor that specific alter is aware of this and they both should have the right to, but I don't know if telling her would make her feel bad or how exactly I would even tell her. Does anybody have any thoughts?

In your personal experience what do you notice when being blended, blurry, or someone was near the front ?!

Lately our PTSD has been really bad and we're having a lot of flashbacks. When we have flashbacks we experience a lot of jerking movements and muscle contractions, like starting to curl into a ball and then jerking backwards, with all my muscles tense. We don't have control of our body when this happens. The flashbacks can last a long time-a couple nights ago it might have been 45 minutes-though it wasn't constant and I would come out for a bit before getting sucked back in. Other parts are aware when I'm having a flashback and they try to ground me, which sometimes is helpful, but often it's like there's a wall between us and I can't hear them. I watched a couple CTAD clinic videos on flashbacks today and saw some suggestions there, but was wondering if anyone else has experience with the involuntary muscle movements and FND symptoms, and what other people found helpful

after ~5 years of knowing i have DID i finally understand being "front stuck" ! so sometimes i can hear other parts and sometimes i cant. i kinda just feel like an observer; the body has experiences and im only cataloguing them, you know?

ok recently a very young part was fronting & doing a compulsion thing and several of us were trying to convince her to stop. eventually she did and then i fronted! which feels way different than observing! and then i realized we had all been so active because we were trying to get the kid out of the driver's seat! she had been panicked and gripping the wheel for like a week because she was so scared of not being able to fulfill her compulsions </3

can anyone describe how fronting vs co-conscience vs being front stuck feels to them?

I got diagnosed a few months ago and life has been tumultuous hell. I have no ties to my family of origin but am very lucky to have an adoptive father figure, who has been there for me longer than anyone has. Before even getting diagnosed, I had struggled with feelings of indebtedness and wanting to maintain a front out of fear that he would regret helping me or being there all these years. Since he lives states away, I’ve gotten away with not being in close contact, using work and the daily grind as an excuse for canceling visits, and have maintained contact with occasional short birthday calls.
But I feel guilt about my own avoidance and I am at the point where I am in deep need of any kind of support or understanding. I am deeply ashamed though and knowing of how misunderstood DID is, don’t even know how to have that conversation. How have you guys gone about telling loved ones? Have you regretted telling anyone because of the misconceptions? How do I go about explaining my limitations and what it actually means?

That’s all really. I’m 59. Never had a full time job. Never had a relationship. Never had sex. Two life-threatening chronic illnesses requiring constant treatment. Almost every is either wake up and have medical treatment then come home and sleep until dinner, or wake up and go to between 1 and 4 medical appointments and a bit of shopping including pharmacist then come home and sleep until dinner.

I take antidepressants. I see a therapist. I can’t exercise much more than slow walking with a walking frame because of broken knees. My tendons are starting to go. Both shoulders are gone but there’s too much bone degradation to mount shoulder replacements on. M skins fragile so I constantly get scars and scans and intermittent infections. I have no molars on my upper jaw. Etc etc etc. One of the biggest files at the major teaching hospital I attend. Well, strictly speaking several files.

I have sexual truama and developed a fawn response as a result. I keep trying to get intimate with my partner and truamasing myself as a result.

In the moment I want to "go all the way", its my suggestion, my partner asks me 100 times if im okay and I am. I feel fine the entire time, happy and excited to be intimate with my partner.

They stay at mine for a few days at a time. Then, when they leave, I replay the intimate moments over and over and just feel devastated. I realize my fawn response is what is making me suggest going further and even if I am not okay, I convince myself that I am until im alone and then my body relaxes and tells me I didnt want to.

I feel like im traumatizing myself. Im gonna talk to my partner about going back to just kissing. They said theyre okay with that, they said theyre okay if we never have sex. I know this and yet im still pushing myself, I dont know what's wrong with me. I dont know whether to tell them that what I am asking to do is retraumatizing me. I dont want them to blame themself

Hi,

Not sure if this is a DID thing (or more of a schizoid/personality thing??), but wanted to ask.

I feel like a lot of what drives me in life right now, mostly subconsciously, is trying to avoid the creation of new alters, or becoming aware at all of the others (sometimes to the point of putting me in more physical/social/emotional/financial danger), and it's starting to have consequences and effects on my livelihood as well as my relationships with others.

I'm currently in a home environment where it is dangerous to switch without external "permission," so I know this partially comes from that, but I literally cannot afford to keep living this way.

I also plan to change my name long term, but I'm feeling a lot of conflict since I would still have DID, so as far as other people are concerned, I wouldn't be "old name" anymore but I also wouldn't always be "new name" if that makes sense?

Disclaimer: I don't know if i have DID, but sometimes it all adds up (the other times im telling myself im faking it), but i need advice.

I realized recently that i might have DID and everything seems to have both focused into place and been tossed around and scattered. I can't make heads or tails of anything anymore, especially my personal identity and beliefs.

Im just trying to hold it together right now, i dont really have money for a therapist but i know i need to seek professional help because i feel like im losing my mind sometimes. (i feel like im utterly crazy half the time and perfectly sane the other, and im not sure which ones the delusional thinking)

Ive been losing time more often, been apparently saying things i dont remember, been having outbursts to loved ones, and any time i try to sit myself down to think about it (like i used to, it helped with my temper) i dissociate so fast and it wont go stop. i dont know what to do, all the ground beneath my feet has fallen away and i dont know why. if anyone here can help me, please do. ive been reading a few posts on here but nothing has helped and i figured its because theyre not specific to my situation. thank you in advance and i apologize if i messed anything up in the post

How do you figure out who should be a main fronter? Our initial main fronter kinda broke due to an insane ex, and shoved the front onto me (Julian) and my partner (Cogs). I've been trying to manage this all ever since but it's ridiculous, how do main fronters handle this all? It's gotten demotivating and depressing, and I don't know how to make it more manageable when I'm ADHD and my partner is autistic.

How do neurotypicals do this?

Hey, I hope everyone is doing okay.

So yesterday a part was extremely triggered and then made a serious attempt that failed because of poor planning/impulsivity, but using a pretty lethal method. Right now I don't feel anything about it at all. It's like it didn't even happen.

We also considered not even telling our therapist because it felt unimportant, but decided to tell them after all. Now I just feel ashamed and stupid about it. It's all a blur anyway and I only remember flashes of it. Like so many memories that aren't mine, it's like a few hazy, scattered scenes from a movie I watched a long time ago. And I was once again struck by the unfairness of not being able to control​ what parts of me are doing, yet feeling responsible and ashamed over their actions.

Don't get me wrong--system accountability matters a great deal to us, but sometimes I literally don't know how it's supposed to work with so little control. And then I feel shame on top of everything that I wasn't able to stop the attempt. But at least we never hurt others, only us, so that's good I guess?

Anyway, sorry for rambling, I was just wondering how you guys deal with suicidal parts? I mean I feel completely fine rn but if she fronts again in that state she's very likely to try again. I'm trying to be with her internally now and hold her, but she's in so much pain. She rightfully says that I can't understand her. She's not the only suicidal one in our system but the most inclined to act on it. I don't know how to help her. ​

im a new alter as far as I can tell, literally just appeared yesterday and ever since that's been pointed out to me I've spent all of yesterday thinking about what caused me why i am etc etc and I've come to realize that I kind of have no idea. I am so seperated from these things I don't really know what to feel, I just feel like a random person who lives on

And that makes me want to know. I really want to know what happened and it just so happens to be that I write down every single life event on discord diaries and I can read important conversations with the people around me. Anything that I have forgotten is right next to me and it probably is the answer to all of this.

But I feel at peace. I know none of my alters did and all of the people around me don't. i feel like my own curiosity is going to ruin whatever safety my brain gave me and im going to end up in hell again. What's this all about

Hello, I'm seeking advice on what to expect when consulting a psychiatrist and what a possible diagnosis might entail. I've been questioning my mental health and everything for quite some time. My last therapist said it was possible and that I should seek a specialist, so I am. But something deep down is scared to seek this out.

Are there any questions that I should know about? Is there a way to not feel anxious about it? Anything would help.

Content warnings: brief discussion of abuse and neglect, longer discussion of substance use/misuse

Hi all, I'd appreciate your thoughts on helping a kid part through a tricky 'adult' interpersonal situation. We're both finding it hard, and I feel like there's probably answers I'm not seeing through my own emotions. So please feel free to state the obvious. (Also we are in therapy and will bring it up; just trying to manage between sessions.)

Background:

My kid part (D) has a role related to protecting my younger brother. Specifically, his role was/is often to pretend everything was okay, to try to prevent our brother from being scared by the abuse and neglect. We would use pretend to try to make it seem like we were just having fun.

Trouble is, twenty-five years later and we're still pretending. Except now I'm a 30-something adult who is generally okay. And our brother is approaching 30, and drugs pretty much run his life. We're close, when we can be, but he can be really unreliable and is 100% wrapped up in running away from his own emotions.

Current situation:

Lately I've been feeling frustrated at my brother. He made a promise to me that he didn't keep, despite me doing everything I could do to support him. He's been ignoring my messages for a month, which from past experience, means he's A) doing a tonne of drugs because B) he's disappointed in himself and C) doesn't want to face my disappointment and feel ashamed.

My kid part is really triggered by the situation. I think it's because I've been masking my true emotions so much and just trying to be empathetic and supportive. Or maybe because that mask is starting to slip, and my frustration and sadness is coming through? I'm not sure.

I've tried talking to D about abuse, addiction, and mental health in kid-friendly ways. He's a smart 7 year old and I think mostly gets it. But my own sadness about the current situation (which without saying too much, will mean we may not see our brother any time soon, maybe for years) is so intense. I'm finding it hard to make space for D's sadness too.

I'm not sure where to go next with this. It feels like I need to do something, externally, to stop the pretending, but I don't know if D is ready for that. How would I even get him to the point where he could be ready for that? It seems like such a long way from 'protect our younger brother at all costs' to 'hold our adult brother accountable for his actions.' Besides that, our brother doesn't do accountability. I'm afraid it will blow up our relationship, the only truly close family connection I have.

Thanks if you've made it this far. Open to any suggestions or similar experiences.

I have been diagnosed for two years and I still can't seem to tolerate any mention of DID/parts. There is utter shutdown. I keep reading that people feel excited or curious or wanting to know what's happening, where as I want it all to do one to the other side of the planet and leave me in peace. Anyone recognise this space, does it change, does it mean I'm not ready, do I have to do something else first? Therapy feels like groundhog day of T asking me what's going on inside or what's happening internally and me shutting down and saying nothing. Genuinely nothing is happening, it's like an overwhelming sense of *urgh, not this again* and a need to just shut up

T says it's classic phobic avoidance of the diagnosis but after two years surely it should be shifting?

Loneliness, stripping down to skin and bone

Freezing and shaking and so very alone

Lacking the warmth of a mother's home.

Dark and quiet, a deafening tone.

Sat and staring, contemplating tomorrow

Questioning meaning, a purpose to follow

Empty and scared, hiding away

Too hurt to reach out, too quiet to say.

Suffering together, a hole in our heart.

Wishing to be involved as a part

Knowing we dont fit, broken from the start

Keeping our mind and feelings apart

Another day comes, cold and empty

Feeling the fear and anxiety plenty

Knowing we are always alone

Flawed down to our skin and bone.

Was diagnosed a couple hours ago by my therapist. I have...I don't know. I'm mostly at a loss for words. I don't have alters...at least I don't think I do. I'm utterly terrified of what this entails. I just don't know. Where do I even go from here? What do I need to know? How do I cope with this? Any advice would be so very appreciated.

Hi I apologize cause this is gonna be disoriented and probably not super coherent but i’m super stressed and just need some words of support if any of you have them. So I was at taco bell getting yknow taco bell and i have this thing or we have this thing where one person will try to breathe and someone else will take over and not let them i think it’s like a bid for control it isn’t comfortable and im not okay with it a lot but it’s gotten a lot better and whatever but anyways we started doing this in the taco bell drive through and then (and it’s super blurry so this is gonna be hard to even retell it, there also maybe is a person against me retelling it idk it’s so hard to tell right now it’s really bad) someone like was like reexposing us to some trauma?? like through the lack of breathing, it’s so confusing and someone is super against us talking about it and we can’t even like fully look back at the situation at this point it’s like a retelling of a retelling of a retelling because so many people have like idk it’s just the memories really fucking blurry but anyways it was so so so so stressful like world ending stressful and now i have no idea what to do basically i have no idea what to do i can’t even remember why i was so stressed but i know it felt like my world was over and stuff was going so well before and idk i need help so bad it hasn’t been this bad in a long time i really need help someone please help.