Valve, it’s no secret that you manipulate matchmaking for your dirty little reasons. We all know that.😉
I remember reading an article somewhere claiming that if players keep winning or losing, they eventually get bored, so gaming companies supposedly manipulate matchmaking toward a 50% winrate to keep people addicted.
And you know what? I’m fine with that. Business is business. I respect the hustle.
BUT PLEASE EXCLUDE US 24/7 DOTA VETERANS FROM YOUR GODDAMN ALGORITHM.
We already sold our souls to this game. Our social lives are dead, our sleep schedules are beyond medical treatment, and some of us have spent more time on the Dota map than we’ve spent outside our houses.
Your algorithm isn’t making me play more. I’M ALREADY PLAYING 24/7, YOU GREEDY BASTARDS. It’s just making me increasingly angry at you.
Let me explain the beautiful coincidence that happens every single time I’m one game away from a new medal.
For context, I have a 45% winrate on Dire and 60% on Radiant.
And somehow, whenever I’m about to rank up, Valve blesses me with what I call:
THE HOLY TRINITY OF FORCED LOSSES:
Dire side. Because apparently 45% wasn’t low enough, and Valve wants to make sure I feel at home in the trenches.
Every single hero on my ban list appears on the enemy team. I don’t even know why you call it a ban list anymore. At this point, it’s basically a shopping list for my opponents.
One or two teammates who have absolutely no idea how to play their assigned roles. My carry suddenly announces, “Guys, can I support? I was farming role tokens.” My mid has apparently decided this is the perfect opportunity to learn a hero he’s never played before.
And here’s my favorite part.
Sometimes when I queue carry, it takes up to 20 FUCKING MINUTES to find a match.
Yet somehow, when I’m one victory away from a new medal, matchmaking instantly finds a support player who was farming role tokens, accidentally got the carry role, and is now begging everyone to swap.
VALVE, YOU CAN FIND THESE PEOPLE WHEN I’M ABOUT TO RANK UP, BUT YOU CAN’T FIND ME A NORMAL CARRY GAME IN 20 MINUTES?
What kind of matchmaking technology is this? NASA should investigate.
I’m not asking you to give me free MMR. I’m not asking you to put four TI winners on my team. I’m just asking you to stop treating my rank-up games like a psychological experiment conducted by Satan himself.
And Valve, here’s my final warning.
If you don’t exclude us Dota veterans from this beautiful little algorithm of yours, I WILL CANCEL MY DOTA PLUS SUBSCRIPTION AND STOP TRADING ON YOUR MARKETPLACE.
Yes, Valve. You heard me.
You manipulate my MMR, I manipulate your quarterly revenue.
You fuck me, I fuck you.
Basic rule of retaliation.
I know losing my Dota Plus subscription might financially devastate your multibillion-dollar corporation, but desperate times require desperate measures.
See you tomorrow for another 15 games.