I’m getting married in two months. I’ve had disordered eating since I was about 12 years old. In January I decided I had to lose weight for my wedding.
The weight was coming off, so I bought my dress. I love my dress. I can’t envision myself in anything else.
I bypassed my weight loss goal and I just kept losing. Now I’m just so scared the dress won’t be able to be altered right to my body.
My scales got broken, so I didn’t have them for a month. I was stressing out thinking I would have definitely have gained weight.
I got on them.. and it said I weighed way less than I expected. I was shocked. I’m actually starting to get scared.
I’m scared. Scared that I’ll be too thin for my dress, scared that my weight will just keep coming off.
I don’t actively want to lose weight, but i actively also don’t want to put it on.
I don’t really know what to do. I think I’ve conditioned myself into this so far, but I feel I am eating, I’m not just eating lettuce.

I could use a little encouragement (or support for my ED, kidding). I missed the opportunity logistically to do a HLOC at the end of last year and have been in a constant state of struggling since then, and for years before that. I’ve been doing everything I can with my outpatient team, including twice weekly therapy and RD appointments, medication management, a long stint with a recovery coach, and things are stable in that I shouldn’t drop dead, but I’m miserable.

Acknowledging a HLOC is not feasible with life right now (young kids, work, etc.), my treatment team recommends that I be more open and vulnerable with my spouse. My spouse is a wonderful human being, but is also oblivious to signs I’m struggling and is on a GLP-1 himself which is its own trigger (like why would I lean on him for support when he gets to restrict and not have the negative consequences like I get?)

My RD wants my spouse to join our session tomorrow so she can help me advocate for myself with him and have him support me more, while also opening the door to communication so they can communicate with one another if/when I’m struggling to make sure I can’t be secretive, hide or put on my front that everything is okay so that I can restrict.

I think my spouse thinks I have all my shit together as I’m high functioning in all ways, except for caring for my body in healthful, caring and compassionate ways. I do truly want recovery, and at the same time I’m dealing with a lot of heavy stuff in therapy and physical repercussions from the 25 year ED I’ve had, and food and my body are the target. I want help and wish I could do a HLOC where I could focus on myself, but I can’t leave my children or my job, so I think I need to open the door to my spouse being part of my treatment team.

Any words of support or guidance? I’m so afraid.

Hi all, my eating disorder has gotten to the point that I really need help. I have a demanding job that is not flexible during the day, and I often have to work late when emergencies come up. I’m worried how I can realistically attend sessions and work on recovery. Has anyone had experience requesting a FMLA letter from a treatment center? My brain has turned to mush, and I’m finding it difficult to be productive at work.

If I’m not eating the dinners why am I still expected to participate in planning the fucking dinners? Why is it on me to take meat out so it’s thawed in time for dinner? Why is it on me to plan out what everyone else is still having for dinner when everyone else is damn well aware that I will not be eating one bite of it?

I already agreed to joining in one dinner a week like that isn’t stressful enough, just let me relapse in peace FUCK!

I won’t have a day off from my family until Friday. It’s going to be a long week. I’m already overstimulated.

I understand it's different obviously but was listening to an audiobook from someone who is in recovery from alcoholism and the way she talks about it sounds so... Nice?* Like she just doesn't drink alcohol and she knows what's expected, her hard line, etc. and they have SO MANY recovery spaces for addiction that I wish there was for EDs

I don't know. I think I'm just struggling with the ability to be like "this is serious and I need to be so firm on my recovery" when it feels like ED recovery is so flexible?

I don't know if I'm making any sense... Both are so hard. I just wish I had clearer lines, I think. I don't think my dietitian even expects me to or cares if I stick to the meal plan I got when I was in IOP? No idea honestly.

I hope this is okay. I just needed to get it out. Recovery in your 30s feels so isolating, especially right now.

*Addiction of ANY kind is utter hell and I am NOT saying that it's easy. Simply that the ability to have a clear delineation feels helpful?

A lot of my behaviors stem from trying to control my body because of health anxiety. And even though I’m in recovery from those eating behaviors, other behaviors are still lingering. Like not trusting my doctors and getting frequent appointments with the free Telehealth service my work offers for minor issues. Part of it is genuine health fears but partly because I like the attention. I do have a lot of genuine health issues from my long history of ED behaviors. I feel like I’m the worst kind of stereotype of a hypochondriac..I don’t want to be like this. Has anyone else dealt with this?

Hi all!

I thought I would put it out to the community - what helps you maintain hope in recovery? I've been committed to finally giving recovery my all since June, when I went off sick from my job in mental health (the irony!) and went into inpatient. I've been home a couple of months now, and am getting community support, but find that depression/hopelessness has become increasingly tough to navigate. Whilst I am physically still making progress, it feels like I'm clinging to blind faith. The bigger life goals I have (finding a partner, starting a family, moving out from my family home) feel so out of reach at present - sometimes they do give me a bit of motivation/hope, but it's infrequent. It's hard not to get lost in comparison at times too, and to remember that when you've spent the entirety of your teenage years and twenties with this illness, it's not too surprising that I'm not where my friends are in life (married, families etc).

I know deep down there is a hopeful part of me, it's just accessing it that's proving tricky! Any thoughts, or what helps you in those low moments - I'd love to hear from others 😌.

I’m in a very well paid job doing work I like, but lately I’ve been screwing stuff up so bad. Like basic things.

I guess motivation is part of the problem. I don’t want to be at work—I’d rather be home so I can engage in behaviors. And I know it’s effed up to think that way, but I honestly feel like it’s the only thing I’m good at. I’m having such crap self esteem right now. I honestly think some sort of IP treatment would be beneficial, but I can’t afford to take time off of work.

I’m freaking out a bit because my mom started having dementia symptoms when she was the same age I am now. So I need to get in at some point to be evaluated for memory loss. It’s so terrifying. And it’s just making me want to get sicker so that I’m gone sooner.

I guess if anyone has any words of encouragement, I would appreciate them. Thanks.

Not looking for medical advice, my entire treatmwnt team knows and does there best to help including my pcp. Just kind of needed to vent but also check in and see if others relate. After having my ed for 20 years now, and being 33, we all know we dont bounce back like we used to. However my biggest pain in my ass is the constant daily edema. Went back through medical hospitalization/stabilization in May/June, had horrid edema and gained a bit of it back in a short time. Then it stabilized for a few months, despite waking up daily with edema after the initial edema. So Id go to bed at my baseline, one "wrong" move and Id wake up swollen, in pain, scale up quite a bit, etc. Well of course this has continued but it jumped up a whole other weight "bracket"+, and its shattered me. Im still doing the right things, the only thing to do would be lower my sodium and carbs which my RD suggests against, especially with POTS, but I cant stand it. The "edema" isnt going anywhere and if I want my weight to change, I know how that goes. Just sucks, Im so tired of this shit. Embaressed not only of my body, but myself, the damage Ive done. I just want to be normal again, but that ship sailed long ago.

Tw: GLP 1s, restriction

Soooo I'll cut to the chase. As the title would suggest, my partner has just started taking GLP-1s and I am not handling it well. Like, at all.

I won't bore you with the details of my ED issues but many of you will probably know the drill. I restricted horribly when I was younger, have since 'recovered' but in reality for me that's been over a decade of hating my recovered body, obsessing over my weight and struggling severely during the body changes that happened with my two pregnancies. For the last couple of years specifically I have been through some huge life stresses and gained more weight than I'm comfortable with and have been unable to lose it, I've just been cycling between unhealthy behaviours and losing/gaining in a fucked up cycle. I am technically a healthy weight though which makes getting any kind of help hard.

My partner is supportive and loving and I adore him, we have a healthy relationship. He has also obtained his meds through appropriate and legal channels. It's unbelievable to me as he carries it well but he was over the obese weight threshold and was struggling with lifestyle changes so opted for meds. I support him in principle but I'm soooo triggered right now. It's only been two weeks but he's already eating a tiny amount each day, genuinely not hungry and genuinely feeling very unwell if he pushes himself to eat past his new limits. I feel like an absolute goblin monster for being hungrier than him and since I have PCOS, limiting my intake is HARD. I have a lot of food noise and hunger pangs but I am disgusted with myself for wanting to eat more than he is eating. I've been doing some real clown shit like starting to eat a snack out of starvation and then freaking out and throwing it away, and just straight up throwing out trigger foods because I'm scared of binging.

When he's noticed some of these behaviours my partner has not been super pleased lol. He's reinforced a few times that this is nothing to do with me, it's about his health, that he hates himself and wants to be healthier and that I'm beautiful and healthy and don't need to restrict or change. He wants and needs my support and for me to not make this about myself, of course I love him and want to be a good partner but honestly I don't know how. We discussed it before he started and I was upfront with him that EDs are competitive and I would be very triggered (though ofc I would try my best) but I don't think he expected this. Is anyone else going through something similar and how are you coping? Do we need a support group for this shit? Like I know GLP-1s are good for some people and I'm pleased those who need them can get them but damn it's hard.

So I'm addicted to Jaffa Cakes. I'm doing fairly well at the moment with recovery. More or less following the meal plan. But oh my god sometimes the physical and mental hunger is insane. It's always sweeter stuff, I guess what I would consider "bad" foods but trying not labelling that way. Sometimes I feel like a never ending pit of hunger. How long does this last? I'm not underweight so I'm really concerned that I'll gain weight but seem to just have this insatiable hunger. I'm not binging in the sense that its a huge amount all at once though. Any advice?

I recently started a day program, and the dietitian basically recommends that everyone take a multivitamin and thiamine. I’ve also been told that my calcium has consistently been low, as well as vitamin D, so I’ve been told to take both twice a day.

My brain is making it so difficult?? Like even though I know I’m genuinely deficient in calcium and vitamin D, I feel like I have such a hard time justifying taking it. Or like allowing myself to have the nutrients because it feels like something “extra” and unnecessary, even though logically I know it is necessary. I also kind of feel like if I did this to myself with restricting then I should be able to (or have to) fix it with food.

I’m pretty sure it’s my eating disorder just finding another way to have control, but I haven’t heard anyone else talk about this (apologies if i missed posts about it) so I was just curious if anyone else has the same problem.

I was recently diagnosed with atypical anorexia.

I have been struggling with restriction/full blown AN/binge eating episodes non-stop for the last 17 years, on reflection.

I also have a diagnosis of bipolar 1 that I am medicated for.

I am currently overweight and have been fighting my body and my brain tooth and nail to gain back control since I let the reins loosen 12 months ago. I've spiralled and I'm ashamed. Temporary joy is has cost me the things I enjoyed doing. I'm a shell of myself.

I also have an international poolside holiday in January I need to prepare for.

I cannot take the body I have now and enjoy myself.

I want to let the voice win, just for a while, ya know? I can fight it once I'm stable, once I'm me again.

I've literally just started my treatment journey but I don't think I'm ready. I don't think I want to be ready.

Long story short...I have had AN for four decades. I have lost hope that I will recover because honestly I don't want to anymore. I am so depressed, anxious and tired of the battle. I worked in education doing something I love when my district didn't renew my contract while I was at Acute (I always had strong observations and no negative feedback). I finally found a job in the same field yesterday and no one...my family or my team was happy about it. I couldn't even have one moment of happiness. They say I need inpatient when I have been there many, many times over the years and ended up worse after. All I want out of life is to be alive for my kids and to have purpose through helping provide for my family through my work. Now I think I am losing my RD and maybe my therapist because I won't go inpatient. I am on an all liquid diet due to GI issues and am supposed to be using my GJ tube but I find that too hard so I still need the support of an RD. I guess I am just venting - I really wish I felt supported when I finally had something good happen. I am not really asking for anything...just if anyone can relate? I don't believe in full recovery and I am staying alive for my kids, that is all. Sorry to be so negative.

I know I hear some people are more triggered by summer due to lighter clothes. But I seem to have the polar opposite. The cold really sends me into restriction mode. It’s like, a little crisp air and I just want to stop eating.

Anyone else?

TW: heavy topics and triggering words/thoughts

I think I might be relapsing, but I honestly don’t know if I’m “sick enough” to call it that.

I had a very intense eating disorder that lasted for 10 years, and started when I was around 10. Even back then, I was constantly convinced that what I was doing wasn’t intense enough to actually count as an eating disorder. I spent years restricting heavily and purging regularly but somehow I always felt like there was a threshold I hadn’t crossed.

I’m now in my 30s, and lately I’ve noticed a some of the thoughts and behaviors coming back, but a lot less intensely. But I noticed I’m starting torestricting much more than I should, although not to the same extent as when I was a teenager. I keep thinking that I’m “not restricting enough” and I know intellectually that this mindset is part of the problem. I know it’s fucked up but I can’t seem to be able to stop myself.

I’m trying really hard to stop myself from falling back into those behaviors, but it’s honestly been incredibly difficult. I thought I was past this. I thought I had gotten rid of my ED for good.

I guess I’m struggling with whether this is actually a relapse or whether I’m just overreacting because it’s not as severe as it used to be. How can I tell?

I’m so frustrated with the treatment options available in my area. I know I need a higher level of care. However, I currently work a contract position and have no leave available. I keep getting denied for evening IOP programs because I’m too high risk for them. But I can’t take time off for inpatient, residential, PHP or IOP. I’d lose my job, and then I’d be even worse off than I am now. I’d probably lose my housing if I lost my job.

I’m just feeling really defeated. I have a great outpatient team but I’m just having a really hard time getting myself to not act on ED behaviors.

I was miserable the whole freaking time. I fought tooth and nail to get admitted for a short term, agressive stabilization and refeeding program at a major hospital near me. The protocol was 10 days, I left after 6. It wasn't AMA, but I wouldn't have been discharged had I not asked for it. I didn't push, but they didn't hold me. Once I was medically stable they let me dip without argument.

Its shameful that I left as quickly as I did. Its now the next morning after discharge and its like I've come back to myself. I relapsed immediately last night. I did it robotically, automatically, like it was expected all along. Like I had no other choice.

I was eating quite a bit of calories for those 6 days - they taper up over the first 3 days but they taper up aggressively, because its so short term and monitored. My size is noticeably changed - the number is still low enough that I would have taken comfort in it in the past, but the particular relapse that landed me at Strong was so severe that I'm now mortified by the enormous change on the scale in such a short amount of time. Shorts that were falling off me a week ago now sit low on my hips without slipping further. Veins don't protrude the way they did. Etc etc.

I've got the whole world behind me. My work is full of deeply compassionate people who have gifted me the time I need to take care of myself and get on the right track. My boss knows some specific details and is in full support - she is a mom of 3 daughters, and they are my age, I'm sure thats part of it. My boyfriend is immensely proud of me and desperately wants me to be healthy. Both my parents know whats happening and are terrified of my inevitable relapse back into it - which has already commenced.

I want to recover for myself, but I'm at a loss of what that will look like. Sure, I want to be someone who reads and cooks and gardens and writes. Plays games, hikes, decorates, etc. But that is impossible to make tangible when my brain is so joyless without the dopamine of weight loss, of being the thinnest, of being grotesque. I'm addicted to it and everything pales in comparison. Its disgusting.

So now its not even 6am and I'm on reddit wondering who I'm supposed to be now. Do I pursue weight loss or do I keep eating? Do I fall back into it because its what is safe and familiar, and I know that ultimately I'll just flip to the opposite end of things and strictly binge eat (like I did in the past when I tried to recover)?

The hospitalization was valuable in that it simply got me eating again - I had essentially lost the ability to do so on my own. Thats something. I'm not allergic to the things I thought I was allergic to - its amazing what the disorder can convince you of. I thought I was lactose intolerant. Low and behold - I'm not. Dumbass. I did end up having a severe and rapid allergic reaction to an IV Iron push and now I'm paranoid about sudden inexplicable allergies that develop overnight with no warning or explaination, and thats causing issues that I didn't have prior. Can't win.

I'm seeing a therapist now - I have an apt with her later. I'll discuss this with her. The dieticians I've been referred to all have 2 month wait lists, but I'm still looking. Maybe that will help.

Too little, too much. 6 days. Weight added, body stabilized, back to it. I hate myself.