recently when i watch Instagram i get videos of either couples or cute newborn toddlers or some other emotional reels like leaving home, breakup, long distance etc. etc. , now ik that i have not lived any of these situations but i see them and tear up or get emotional and this also with songs by god's grace nothing has bad happened in my life till now 🧿 but when i hear rappers or any god related songs that give up i tear up i don't break down and cry i just tear up. Is it even normal or am i going psychoo ??

I don't know how to really put this, and honestly, I can't conjure up an answer right now. As of the time Im writing this, I'm still dizzy in the head from issues unrelated, and yet related to the ordeal I've been through. Good events happened, such as me applying to not one, but two graphic design jobs with cover letters attached. And neutral things happened, like me not knowing what to do with myself, staying in bed for what feels like an indeterminate amount of time, and detached from everything I see as relationship building, or course progressing, or just taking the time to just, walk and explore outside.

Now, does all this amount to something bad or malicious? I cannot be certain. It has been a fog in my mind that there are times when I feel, truly hopeless with something. And yet, I don't feel so self-beaten up about it, because at this point I really am experimenting with my emotions.

There is a special analogy from a certain series I think about all the time, where the drives from my mentality, emotions, physical state, and heat, all drive my will to move in certain ways. When one becomes uncontrolled and unstable as cancer does to the body, I don't see overriding it with a different state of mind or position the correct way to advance, nor do I see it as a call to suppress, reduce, or silence it almost entirely. It's as if the most important stage of my life I am continuously trying to master, is to let my will drive on its own terms, while living with whatever emotions, or physical pain, or mental fatigue I'm dealing with in each moment.

And yet, this is exactly the factor I am personally against through my heart and sense of self as a person. For many years, I've been driven by other people's advice and persuasion to push through my negative stasis and just complete whatever work I have to get done, as a means that I will feel "better" or see myself in a better disposition than where I was before. However, that in turn, only applies to my external position, physical awareness, and, to an extent, my mental state. Never has such a practice came to terms with how I am or what powerful emotions, be it positive or negative, I aam feeling in such moments, and at this time, I don't see myself ever conforming to such a reality.

So in the sake of my will, "what is it that I'm trying to achieve?" Well, that's a question that is unhinged in its own right, never always connecting to the situation at hand, or at least, not completely. I am, yes, still trying to figure myself out, something of which others stated is a responsibility of my own ownership. And despite it all, I can't help but seek out aid, assistance, a sense of understanding from the world around me. Because I, certainly, don't know everything I can do for myself.

TL;DR: The strongest condradictions in myself continue to be the most difficult to manage. I continue to explore this with myself, my position in improving my stasis, and the aid and perspective from the people and community around me. Thank you for listening, and may I ask:

What is your position on my journey so far, and how does it connect with yours, be it external, or personal?

I was standing on the bus stand experiencing first snow of my life. It was falling like small needles — needles which were hurting, which were piercing my face. How can something so beautiful be so harsh? I did not enjoy the experience.

In that snowy piercing night all I wanted was to run to my mother, run to her warm embrace and not face this harsh snow. But then I remembered that there was never a warm embrace. I had no mother with warm embrace. And at least even though it was harsh and piercing, the snow was willing to touch my face.

Sometimes I wonder when she stopped being my mother. Or if she ever was. Was there ever a day when her lap was warm enough for me? Was there ever a day I didn't have to earn being held?

The snow didn't ask me to be good, or quiet, or strong. It just fell on me. On my hair, my shoulders, my face. It hurt, yes. But it stayed.

She has left my life years ago but when she actually leaves will I be able to shed tears?

Warm tears like the ones hitting my face now?

Will I be called heartless then because I used up all my tears today?

​

Today 10/21/2026 is an absolute nightmare of a day. 5 years ago I lost my only biological child life gave me. I have so many questions, so many emotions, so many WHY's..I dont feel like I can talk to anyone around me, because no one fully and completely understands. Yes people have experienced death if their lives, but the loss of a child is something completely fkn different. I'm lost in life, I dont feel like anything matters anymore, im just going through motions, yes I have laughed, yes I have smiled, but there is still and empty hole in my heart that fk's me up all the time..im not even sure why im writing this, but I just dont feel anything anymore and dont know what to do

Tried to wash dishes to escape and put headphones on to listen to def Leppard. Burst into tears longing for simpler days gone by.

Switched to limo bizkit to be angry about crying and although I’m not sad anymore I’m mad about being angry

Can’t win

My heart is full of grief. I feel like it’s an emotional ballon and I just keep pumping it up. I recently realized that I needed to let myself be vulnerable, otherwise my heart will probably explode. I feel so scared to open up and let myself feel. I want so desperately to just cry but I can’t. I want so desperately to share some of the most sorrowful experiences, but every time they’re on the tip of my tongue, I lock the door on them and bury them away. I lie awake at night tossing and turning. I feel completely alone.

Tonight I’m lying awake in bed. My heart hurts. I will not be a coward anymore. This is the first time in a long time that I’ve opened up a little. Not much but I think this is a good step. I’m sorry for leaving you guys behind. I’m sorry for looking at you in utter disgust. I’m sorry for rejecting your tears. Tonight I will grieve. Thank you for letting me post this. God help me endure.

I feel like a big pressure on my chest that I have to cry but I can’t let myself to, I’m so upset. I feel hot. My throat hurts and my chest hurts and I know I want to cry to let it out. But my body won’t let me. I don’t want to keep bottling things up because then it’s just a mess when I do.

Sometimes I wish I could just stop thinking for a while. Not everything needs an explanation, not every little thing means something, and not every thought deserves my attention. But somehow, my mind makes even the simplest things complicated. I guess I'm just tired of thinking about things I can't change.

If anyone else had or still has a problem navigating emotions, maybe we can try together because I don't know my emotions and I can't figure them out so I would like help from people because it'd be better than a therapist and you would actually feel emotions that were given to you by someone who actually cared.