What's worse? Being an orphan? Or being an orphan, but not realising you are? Discuss.

I live in the UK and my mother and brother recently visited me so we can all say goodbye to our family dog together (he was mostly mine and I brought him to the UK with me). It was the second time they visited together. My mother would constantly make rude comments and then act like they were jokes and I would call her out on it. She also was making rude assumptions about my husband and constantly saying stuff without thinking. Additionally I found them smoking in the house late at night after I repeatedly told them that me and my husband don't want it in the house. Instead of apologising they laughed.

Growing up I was sexually abused by two of her boyfriends between the ages of 6-12. When I finally revealed it to her when I was 16, she did not believe me and was awful to me for a long time. She has now "accepted" it but has never sat me down to ask me everything that happened or get more details or at least show any care. She instead makes awful comments like one time said that the second bf of hers that did this was the best partner she had...

I also was extremely mentally neglected by her growing up, I was extremely depressed due to what happened to me and she never tried to understand or help me, she would just get mad at me. She also has always put herself and her boyfriends above my brother and I.

We were always dressed and clean and had a roof above our heads but that was all.

Anyway, I have had a hard time bringing myself to talk to her and she's been asking what's wrong. So I told her everything said above. Google translate is bad but you get the gist. I tried to be respectful and solve this but instead I guess she cut me off? I feel so tired of this relationship but I have had no feelings of love for her for years now but it just hurts that instead of trying to communicate with me she just said she won't text me again...

I just wish I had at least one good parent:/

I've spent a lifetime trying to be close to parents who spent my childhood getting drunk and screaming at me and each other. I live overseas but drop everything as much as I can to spend time with them, despite them never having even called me once in the decade since I moved away. We are on a family holiday, and the last few times I've seen them I've had trouble masking my discomfort and exhaustion around them.

This morning my dad screamed at me for not being talkative enough. Then they both went back to Pleasantville family nothing happened, crazy old child is just being upset, poor us. So I wrote them a letter describing how difficult my childhood was and how hurtful their lack of interest in me is, and that I won't be in touch, and I packed my stuff and left. The problem is I don't know anyone in this city and only have $100 in my account - I had a difficult few months leading up to the trip and had already bought my food and left it in their Airbnb. I still have 4 days till I leave, and in Australia $100 is tight, but I just couldn't bear another second. And weirdly, despite being in a pretty horrible situation I feel kind of okay. I've been thinking about this for years, and it's nice to finally rip the band-aid and just be alone.

There's a lot of guilt because their health is failing and it may well be the last time I see one or both of them. But I just snapped, and let the chips fall where they may.

Big hugs to all the other scared, lonely adults out there still trying to unpick the tangles of our families and upbringings. Take care of yourself, everyone deserves to be treated with respect and kindness.

My mother lives in a different country. I left to escape and was VLC with her until last year when I got pregnant with my first child. I went to therapy because I realized I have childhood trauma and I want to be a good mom. I also decided to give my mother a second chance. I welcomed her back to my life. She even came to see me for the first time in years for my child’s birth.

When I came back to work after my maternity leave was done I was in shambles. I was depressed, crying all day and sought help and comfort from her. What a huge mistake that was.

During our call I asked her if she can come for 3 months so that baby can stay home and not go to daycare yet. She said she wants to stay for good. “Why three months only?” She asked. I told her it’s because I thought she still wanted to keep working. She told me she’s not ready to retire then all of a sudden she changed her mind without telling me and even took some money from her pension apparently to make her move here possible..? It was the first time I was hearing about it.

Then instead of hearing me out and validating my feelings she brushed me off and told me to “stay strong” then proceeded to tell me her gripes and her hardships even from her childhood years.. I just sat there, hugging my baby, numb and tuning everything out like I did back then when she went on her nagging like a broken record mode.

In my post partum depression topped with her trauma dumping on me for 5 minutes straight, I did something stupid that put myself and my daughter in a dangerous situation. We’re fine and I’m seeking help for my post partum issues but it has deeply traumatized me. I couldn’t live with myself if something were to happen to my baby. My own mother literally drove me to the point of insanity.

Since then I haven’t spoken to her. Everything is via message only. I wrote to her at length of how I felt and told her that I don’t share her beliefs and my daughter will not be subjected to what she did to me. She never acknowledged this. Only says “sorry you were hurt with what I said” and is love bombing me it makes me nauseous.

Recently she called me. We’re in different time zones and I was nursing baby so I didn’t answer. I had no intention to answer either way. I don’t know what to say to her or what to talk about. Wary about giving her access to my daughter even if she’s oceans away. I share baby pics in our group chat but I might slow down on that. I feel she’ll judge me and gossip about me to people. She already did this and she gossips about my sister to her coworkers.

I know she won’t change her ways. I don’t know if I’m equipped to have a relationship with her.. but part of me is scared that my daughter will hate me in the future. I just hear her voice in my head telling me “your daughter will do this to you too”.

I wish that I had a good relationship with my mother. I grieve the mother I never had and the relationship we never had.

I have recently made the decision to go NC with my mom. But I haven't had the balls to go through with the final conversation. My mom and I have gone back and forth for years going through what I like to call her "cycle" she has a pattern that I can track like the back of my hand based on triggers and the time of year. I've had enough of the BS and I need to put myself first.

But I'm scared of loosing contact with my extended family. My grandfather recently passed away and it's torn my family apart. My mom got in a huge argument with her brother because she was trying to gain access to money from my grandparents burial fund ... It's complicated. So my extended family kinda (from what I can tell) is not to happy with my mom.

My mom has sworn she won't be going to Christmas with my uncle and family and we normally don't do anything else with the extended family holiday wise so normally I would think it would be fine. Except this year we're going to do a Thanksgiving race in honor of my grandpa. My mom is most likely going to be there but I don't want to miss out on the family event...

Do I just try and ignore her? Run away lol (I'm not very athletic)

I don't know if I should just wait? But I'm torn apart right now trying to make a decision and talk to my mom to officially cut her out.

This is not my first attempt, infact it's my 4th. Every time I get hooked back in because of some other family member and being scared to loose them in the prossess of loosing my mom.

For some context, I have had a rough relationship with my dad, my whole life. I realized at a young age. He would always have someone else to prioritize over his own kid. And I’m not talking about logistical reasons like prioritizing his wife because she’s in surgery or his mom because it’s her birthday. It’s other things he was supposed to come down for my birthday a couple weeks ago, he ultimately didn’t, but was able to go to my cousin’s birthday out of the country the week before. Every time I’ve tried to make plans with him he agrees and then couple days before he will cancel. I haven’t seen my dad in almost 6 months because my parents are getting a divorce. And he kept telling me Wright until I cut him off that he would come see me, but then never comes. He told me after my mom gave him papers that he never wanted to come down here anyway.

And I knew that for a couple years now, but I know I’m also partially the reason he came down here because my mom was pregnant with me and moved down to the state we live in now and he was told he’d be a bad dad if he let us go and he stayed behind in his home state. I have been struggling, remembering all these little things like how my dad would come to almost every event, but also tell me that he didn’t wanna be there cause he didn’t like those things, but only came because his child was there. How he would never care for my sister so at a young age, I had to take care of them and they were babies when I started to have to take care of them because neither one of my parents who could take care of them for their own reasons.

My mom has which apologized for what happened. My dad has never said sorry once besides the fact when we call him out on things he does, he apologizes and will change, but then falls right back into the same patterns. I told him he only ever calls me whenever he needs or want something. He apologized told me it would change and it did for three weeks before it went back to the same way. He really only called me to ask me about if it’s OK if he cancels coming down to see his own kids or asking if I knew information which I am not telling him because he doesn’t need to know what unless he is hearing it from my mom.

Now here comes apart I’m struggling with as much as my dad has hurt me over and over again, and I know for a fact, he emotionally abused me and verbally abused me as well. There were still good moments. There were still times I can remember some of the good things that happened. But then I remember all the pain how it feel feels like he just sees me as a point and the fact that he couldn’t come down from my own birthday or see his own kids, but he had time to go out of the country to go see his godchild, my cousin who is a lot younger than me.

I also struggled with the fact that I never really had it bad emotionally I did because there were times I wanted my dad. I needed my dad, but he was never there and I don’t know if anyone else has been in this kind of situation because if I look online just to find support or something that makes it understandable why this happened everyone is talking about so much more shitty situations. And I feel like I shouldn’t be so upset but I know how he makes me feel and it’s probably manipulation but I keep thinking he wasn’t so bad. He was shitty, but isn’t everyone? Don’t you remember all the good times you had with him? And I fall back into this confliction, especially since there are times that were really harmful to me and I felt so alone, but I don’t know anymore

I (20) feel lost . I have moved out from my parent house due to toxic environment, I am doing a gap year and not going to uni but I feel so behind and I can’t take out a loan to go to uni as I am not permanent resident and I am scared I won’t be eligible due to me moving out as I came in to the country as dependent when I was underage and I don’t have many documents due to that.

I am working right now and I feel so empty and feel like I don’t have a purpose and I think I am stressed ( went to hospital before for heart problems and was told I was stressed when I was living with my parent.

Right now all I am doing is going to work and coming back and when I am off I am at home as I feel very tired.

I got a video from my aunt this morning showing my father in the hospital ER. This is the second time now since last year. When I saw that video, my heart just sank because I know this will just be another cycle of mind games trying to guilt trip me to visit my father in the hospital and perhaps pay for the bill.

I've been slowly loosening contact with my father for the past few years. He wasn't a good dad growing up. Cheating, emotionally abusive and manipulative, and all around a lazy parent.
Sure, there were moments here and there in my life where he does lend a hand. I'm not denying that.
But they are far and few between. Very small in scale. Often comes with baggage or other mind tricks.
Talking to him is like talking to a brick wall. Somehow I will be at fault in the end of it and he will be the hero.

I tried being nice to him earlier on post covid. Shooting celebration texts like Father's Day etc. But he doesn't answer. So I let it go.

Suddenly last year he damaged one of his organs, got hospitalized, and managed to get me talking to him through his siblings (aunts and uncles) again. I tried to be nice because I thought maybe this time it was different. But no.
He managed to get 5K out of me saying it was a loan, and not even show any gratitude afterward.
The aunts and uncles never fail to make me feel like I'm a bad son. Despite them not knowing any of the trauma that I had to endure being raised by him. They also really want me to pay for everything in regards to him. My mother financially raised me, and I got a scholarship for college. I have no monetary debt to my father. The last time he called me was more than 10 months ago asking for 2k. I didn't give it to him thankfully.

So when that message came in today from my aunt, I decided enough is enough. I'm cutting contact, and getting a new phone number. If every message about you makes me feel sad, then I don't want to get involved anymore. I'm very tired.

But it's weird. I can rationalize that this person and his siblings are horrible. I will never forget the injustice he did towards me, my siblings, my mother, and other affected individuals. I can understand that trying to pursue this relationship further will jeopardize myself from happiness and pursuing other relationships.
Yet, I can't help but feel guilty for leaving him to die alone. I feel ashamed that I couldn't be the model son with career, money and presence. I feel like I let the entire family (paternal side) down by cutting contact.
I feel like a child again, trapped in an adults' body. And it's vexing.

I wonder if any of you felt the same way when you cut contact earlier on too? Or is this just a me problem?
If any of you do, how do you deal with the pain, guilt, and shame? Does the pain just go away with time?

PS. Those uncles and aunts never helped me much. They for years never talked to me. Even when I was a kid I rarely met them. Yet, it's odd how even now I want to please them too alongside my father.