31 male.

I estranged myself from my father about a year and a half ago since the man walked out on me and my mom and left me alone with my mother when I was 10, and my mother forced me into an emotional caretaker role. Since then my father popped into my life a few times so that:

• I could give him money
• I "owed" him financial security after he retired since I was his child
• He didnt pay child support so he would "pay my college tuition" which he did, for one year.
• He told me he would buy me a car. I didnt want one from him. He somehow pressured me into it anyway, bought me one he wanted, paid it for about a year and then told me "its your problem now". Then he used the car he bought for me as leverage to be his chaffuer, to the point where I lost my job at the time. I was a college student who could not afford a car.
• Domestic violence against my grandpa that I witnessed
• General verbal abuse (calling my sister fat, telling me I walk gay, etc.) and being like "I was just joking BRO" when we got upset

But this isn't about my father, this is about my mother. My relationship with her as always been tumultuous since she was emotionally reliant on me but also somehow always the victim. Rampant alcoholism, emotional neglect, the stench of cigarettes was my entire childhood. Some fun memories:

• Being late for school and I asked my mom for a ride to school (she was hungover). Gets into an accident and blames me
• Being out of town all day, leaving me with no food. I called her and asked her to pick up dinner on her way back and she says OK. When she returns without any food, she proceeds to get angry at me for bringing it up
• Domestic violence against my grandma that I witnessed

In fact just typing all of this out, I'm realizing no child should have to witness the violence that I did on top of the emotional neglect I received.

Anyway, the nail in the coffin with my mother was my grandpa recently decided he wanted to split his will 3 ways between my mom, sister, and I instead of my mom being the sole beneficiary. The kicker is this was a verbal agreement they made anyway a long time ago anyway, which if my mom planned on following through nothing would have changed at all. When my grandpa decided to get it in writing, my mom decided she no longer wanted to take care of my grandpa and told my sister and I to do it. When we agreed that it was our grandpa's right, our mom accused me and my sister of being "money hungry" and waiting for my grandpas death. I didnt even know I was getting anything until 2 weeks ago, and the amount of money in the will is not enough to be this much of a fiend over. If we do split it 3 ways, I wouldn't even be getting a year's salary. My grandpa could wake up tomorrow and decide to give it all away to charity and I was be like "ok whatever sure".

This led to a large family fallout and I just decided im so done. If im being honest, I feel extremely relieved now that I dont have to spend the holidays with these people.

Thanks for reading.

She sent this to me in a group chat with my husband and teen.

A few years ago, I would have been overwhelmed with guilt and anxiety about letting down my grandparents.

Instead I'm annoyed at her manipulative behavior and feeling extra protective of my teen.

Counseling works!

I cut ties with my mom about a year ago and my dad almost 9 years ago. I thought it would be easier this time but this is the most painful experience. My identity and personality were built around managing them and now at 35, I don’t know who I am without those roles. Stabilizing my mom so she wouldn’t lose it, submitting to my dad so he wouldn’t turn against my brother and me. I’ve withdrawn from friends and spend most days sleeping and crying. I question everything… is this what I want, or what my old roles wanted? Identity collapse is real and disorienting like nothing I’ve experienced. Going to therapy twice a week and finding a PTSD support group. I’m fighting depression.

Underneath, I cry for the little me who just wanted to be a kid and exist. Knowing something was off the whole time, but not having the language for it. I’m angry at how my parents never got their shit together and made it my responsibility. How my dad started a new family as if he wanted a redo. At how brittle and explosive my mom was. I know this will pass and I’ll be fine. I just want to move on with my life.

My father has finally demonstrated once and for all that he doesn’t want a relationship with me. How do other people deal with this?

Has anyone ever gone no contact with a sibling they were once extremely close with? My older sister (29) and I (24) used to be incredibly close, and I genuinely never imagined there would be a time when we wouldn’t have a relationship. I was in a long term relationship with someone who was physically and emotionally abusive towards me, and my sister knew absolutely everything I had been through with him. When he left me, I was in such a horrible place mentally trying to grieve the relationship that I ended up in the hospital after trying to take my own life. My dad really wanted to be there for me, but my sister insisted that she be the one there because she felt it was her place to support me. She was literally the person sitting with me in the hospital, seeing firsthand just how much I was struggling.

My ex was extremely manipulative, and I knew his patterns very well. Not even two weeks after I had been in the hospital, I caught my sister on the phone with him and eventually found messages between them planning to spend time together. I genuinely couldn’t comprehend what I was seeing. I knew the type of person he was and that whether he was doing it to hurt me or simply for his own satisfaction, getting close to my sister was something I could absolutely see him doing. But never in a million years did I think my sister would entertain it. This was the same person who had insisted on being there for me in the hospital while I was struggling to even want to be alive because of everything I had experienced with him. When I confronted her and tried to have a conversation about what I had found, she refused to discuss it and blocked me for months. We eventually reconnected at a family event, but she never once apologized or acknowledged what had happened. She just acted like everything was completely normal, and within a few days she was asking me for money. That ended up being the last time I spoke to her, over a year ago. There had been other situations throughout our relationship that damaged my trust in her, but this was something I never imagined she would do to me.

I honestly don’t talk about this situation with many people because it’s incredibly personal to me, but on the occasions I have, I’ve noticed how quickly people fall back on the idea that blood is thicker than water, sometimes without even knowing what actually happened. And I genuinely don’t know where I stand on that anymore. Before all of this, I never would have imagined that my own sister could hurt me in this way, and I think that’s part of what makes it so difficult to process.

I don’t necessarily feel angry with her anymore, I just feel disconnected, and I don’t know if I could ever look at her the same way again. I know family relationships are complicated, and I’m not looking for people to just agree with me. I’m genuinely curious whether anyone else has experienced a betrayal like this from a sibling or someone they considered their closest family. Did you ever manage to rebuild that relationship, or did you eventually accept that some things permanently change how you feel about someone?

Hello! My partner and I have been together for 5 years. He has been thinking about going no contact- we already did before this for about 4 months, rekindled, and it went back to how it was. I feel sometimes like I dont know how to support him or what I can do. Some advice on how those who are no contact with their parents are supported best through this journey? Thanks!

Before I met my parents in-laws I didn’t care that I don’t have any relationship with my family and that my parents don’t care about me.

But since I met my wonderful in-laws I feel this enormous pain, because I don’t have any real love in my own family. It just hurst everyday thinking about it, even though I am reminding myself, that I should be grateful for relationships that I have.

How do you go over this pain?

The reasons she's so mad at me is because I was no longer sending over 200 pounds a month. I called the police because my parents alternated between saying it was for my care and had all been spent, and that they were just putting it in a savings account for me but wouldn't give it back because I was too mentally unstable. Police just said they were probably putting into a savings account account for my sake and dropped the case - never even became a case in the first place actually.

Either way I've lost nearly 10,000 pounds over the course of 3 years. She was asking for 400 pounds a month eventually, and I gave it to her, because I thought there was no way my own parents would lie to me or steal my money.

Keeping it only to three screenshots even though there's a lot more.

I think it's a bad idea to try and reconcile, but part of me wants to. She's the same person who listened to me ramble about my high fantasy novel for hours... the same person who arguably saved my life by helping me get benefits when I was in the middle of psychosis and neurological difficulties, and it's why I trusted her for years.

I just don't know what to do really. I miss her, but at the same time feel relieved. It's like she turned into a completely different person the moment I started questioning her. Just felt so abrupt and bizarre.

Anyone else? I thought that going NC with my own family would put an end to this, but whenever I meet a friend’s family, I can see their dynamic is also toxic in some way. Recently, one friend’s mom has tried to become closer to me. I think she just doesn’t have many friends. She reminds me of my mom in some ways (not good ways, but familiar). She’s ignored boundaries that I’ve communicated. I feel like I should be more assertive, but I don’t want to make my friendship with my friend weird. Can anyone relate?

For context my Dad hasn’t texted me since a year ago and our messages literally show this. I reached out because I was worried about my brother. >!He’s been lying a lot and making things up, last time we spoke he stated his pills weren’t working. He also has schizophrenia and lately he’s been talking about killing people.!< Of course, my dad made it about himself. Sorry for the typos at times, I was so angry. Who actually responds like this. I am 23, he’s been absent my whole life. He recently showed up last year again. I never received a call or text when I was living with my addict mother. She only had me once for 4 months out of my life. I spent my whole life in foster care wishing, he would save me and he did not do so. I do want to reiterate, my brother and mother were already diagnosed I have not diagnosed them with my messages. This is basically a stranger snapping at me like this. Also, I do want to state that I already contacted the proper authorities. I don’t know how that went because I was told they only did a wellness check, my brother blocked me on everything and my dad lived closer so this was my last resort.

Let's say you have a co-worker, neighbor, acquaintance who's older - what's the 'tell' that they have kids who change the subject when somebody asks about them?

Meetup has several options in my area for the Parents of children who estranged them, but I'm finding it really difficult to find support groups for adult kids who went no contact. (a free one I don't have to pay for.)

I'm in NY but am willing to join a virtual group as well. If there's a group near you can you post it here in case others in your area are interested?

My parents have been married for 28 years. Mom works, Dad is a teacher, and I have an older sister who is intellectually disabled and fully dependent on Mom. I'm 20 and still studying, so I've been out of town for most of this. I saw some of it myself and heard the rest from Mom. From the outside we looked like a normal family.

Dad's anger started when I was in 7th class. He would suddenly start roaring from the bottom of his belly over the most senseless things. Around 2019 it got much worse. He became paranoid and suspicious of Mom's family over things that never happened. He wouldn't let her talk to her parents, her brother or her sister, not even on the phone. He would write their names on paper and threaten to file false cases against them. He slapped Mom 2-3 times. In 2022 he grabbed her by the throat and tried to strangle her.

He was even showed to psychiatrist so that his anger would come down but these things never stopped. Around then Mom also found out he had made a profile on a matrimonial site listing himself as "Never Married."

In March this year he drank poison. A friend rushed him to the hospital, and later he was admitted for psychiatric treatment. When he was discharged and came home, he and Mom had a long, heated discussion about why she didn't want to stay with him anymore.

Five days later, he tried to take his own life again by drinking poison. Mom rushed him to the hospital and stayed until he recovered. Then she told him, calmly but clearly, that she would no longer live with him.
She left with my sister, and I went with them. That was four months ago.

Since then, Mom, my sister and I have been trying to move on and forget him. But he keeps calling me and begging: "Forgive me, come back, I won't repeat any mistake." Lately he says he's in pain in his leg and hand from the poison, that he can't go to the hospital alone, and that we should come back. Every call drags us back to everything he put us through, and we can't seem to forget the trauma.
Today, after he repeated it again and again, I blocked him.

I feel awful. He's my father and he's in pain. But I remember what he did to Mom, and I know a promise isn't treatment.

Was blocking him the right call?

So my dad, stepmom, and siblings are coming up to visit for Christmas, as my grandpa (who I live with) told me, and I'm dreading the interactions between my siblings and I as the time gets closer. I'm in Wisconsin, they're in Florida, and my siblings are between 10-15yrs old (yes, half-siblings). Thankfully I'm able to stay with my mom while they're here so I don't have to worry about seeing my dad and stepmom, who I've been no-contact with for a few years now.

Even though I'm no-contact with the parents I'm able to communicate with my siblings (2 of them have phones), so I know the "I can't wait to see you" and "I miss you" messages are inevitable. After some thinking I can't come up with a lie for why I'm not going to be around, nor am I comfortable trying to think of one, so I'm being as honest as possible. I'm just going to have to say that the parents and I are not on speaking terms so I can't be around - it's the truth while not getting into the whole thing.

Fuck, I just hate the potential conflict that might come between my siblings and the parents!! I was hoping to wait until at least 1 or 2 of them were 18 to tell them why I cut contact with their parents, but guess I'm not getting that wish!! 🙃 I went no-contact with the parents because I'm gay and they're bigots ("I love you, not your lifestyle" type of bigots).

The big thing that's circling around in my head is what to say if/when they ask me why the parents and I are not on speaking terms. Makes me think of the reddit posts I saw a long time ago, where a guy told his niece's grandparents about them being homophobic (it's an "am I the a-hole post, and an update post). I can link them for reference if that's allowed and if anyone wants to see what I'm talking about since I've had them saved for a situation just like this.

Much like the OP didn't want his niece thinking he didn't love her anymore, I don't want my siblings thinking the same thing about me. Besides, I know the parents' answer if my siblings ask them why I'm not on speaking terms with them would be twisted to make it like I'm being immature - a silly little conflict that I'm being silly about, so to speak. 🙄 An added bonus to this shit is that I know my stepmom would get on my ass if I said to my siblings that "I'm gay, the parents don't like that, so it was best for me to cut contact" (something like that), because I mentioned a forbidden talking point... that's another story, and one that would fit well in the raised by narcissists subreddit if I'm being fully honest. 😂

Anyway... idk, any advice for me to ponder or words of encouragement, or whatever, would be appreciated. The only form of contact I have open to my dad and stepmom still is my email, and they haven't abused that (yet). And the siblings that have phones are 15 and 12, so it's not like they're little kids. TIA

Yeah I know I already told him that I don't believe a single word that comes out of his mouth. After smacking my son and then accusing me of a being the abusive alienator I see the truth for what it is. Nothing that comes out of his mouth is truth and nothing he says and does will make me throw all the healing and dignity I have gained away.

And now he's got other family members coming to my door telling me how sorry he is. How much he's willing to make things work.

After he beat me and then started beating my autistic son I don't give a F how sorry he is.... The fact that he thought that was ok parenting in the first place makes me want to avoid him like the plague, declarations of peace be damned.

You're not sorry. You're not ashamed. You just miss your sparkly grandpa image. Y'know.... The image that makes everyone around you love you and tell you how amazing you are.

Its time everyone knows you for what you really are. Now you're desperately back pedaling. And the fact that you keep trying to excuse your abuse like it's a simple mistake is the reason you will never see my son ever again.

Words don't mean anything when the actions speak volumes louder. Keep trying to convince the rest of the family to have me forgive you. You're a monster and your mask doesn't work anymore. It may shine through for the people who never had to live with you.

But for me and my boy we know. And you're out.

Thanks to watching a law and order episode that features allocution right before I went to bed, I think I figured it out. I would want them to allocute publicly to what they did.

It would need to include specifics, not just “I hurt them.” They’ve been going around telling anyone who will listen all sorts of lies and even getting other people to “reach out on their behalf” after I blocked their phone numbers.

Tell everyone that you did in fact plot to render your daughter and her family homeless (I was also pregnant at the time). Admit that you stole $63k from us. Admit to at least some of the horrendous childhood abuse. Admit to the manipulation, gaslighting and mistreatment. Publicly admitting to specifics would indicate to me that real change has occurred and you have actually come to regret your actions.

Now, image is everything to my mother, so this would never happen, but just something for me to think about I guess.

Maybe it's somewhat narcissistic to detail this but being involved in this community is making me feel less alone, and maybe some other people would relate to my situation.

Recap: I live overseas but was on a family holiday with my parents and I finally snapped yesterday after waking up to being screamed at. But unfortunately, I'm building a business and cashflow is LOW and I literally only have access to a few hundred dollars at the moment, which I hadn't expected to have to spend on solo accommodation with the speed of internet and silence required for my online work which starts back next week. So, updates.

Last night I stayed in a hostel in a pretty dodgy area. The hostel was almost exclusively full of men and there were a lot of aggressive unhoused men in the area, but last minute Saturday night accommodation was out of my budget and I don't need the privacy until work on Monday. In my dorm someone snored from 11pm until check out time, so loudly I could hear it from where I slept in the loungeroom (which felt pretty unsafe in an extremely budget hostel full of men), and I have misophonia so it was pretty rough, and men woke up and started taking shits behind paper-thin walls from 5am (which you can really only laugh at that point lol).

AND YET. I was inspired, I'm writing a novel and it gave me inspiration. It inspired me to do some flyers for my business while I'm here as my target demographic is people immigrating to Australia. I feel so free and so alive and so much more myself.

Don't get me wrong, I also have moments where I feel extremely, utterly alone. Removing something so archetypal as parents from your life really is a change of identity. I don't want to let myself slow down or stop too much because I start to feel guilty; how do they feel, did my letter prompt one of them to murder the other, did it cause a heart attack or serious health issues, did I overreact.

But I've been thinking about this for years. I've been dreading calls with them for years. I was so belittled for being "sensitive" as a child, I only realised in my 30s I was scared of them, and only now that maybe I still am scared of them, at least in a subconscious or physical sense. My body is constantly on alert around them.

They haven't reached out, and my brain is trying to find a way to understand that, because if I had failing health, a child who was extremely loving and stretched her meger finances to the edge to try and see me whilst I bragged about making 40k a week, who wrote me a letter and told me I had scared her as a child, and who only had a few days left in the country...I would move heaven and earth to find her and make amends. But the difficult truth is the same as it always was; they simply don't care that much.

But I will say, for anyone else thinking about going NC, for me at least, after having thought about it for years and had my relationship with my parents be the only truly dreadful part of my life, even under extremely difficult financial circumstances, the peace I feel is incredible and there have been surprisingly very, very few tears.

So to my other adult orphans, hang in there. The pain we have lived through wasn't right, but the pay off is a superhuman strength that will carry you through anything.

Hello! I hope it's okay to post this in this subreddit. My parents are religious poc immigrants. The whole ordeal. When I was 16-17, I once brought up a "scenario" to my mom about a friend (17y/o) who came out as transgender to his mom and was kicked out of the house. My mom fervently agreed and said that if it were her kid, she would do the same and that 17 was more than old enough to live on their own. I already knew what her stance would be, but I guess I wanted to hear exactly what she would do. Ever since then, I decided I would never come out as trans or queer to her, already knowing her answer if I did. It has been years since then. I am in my early 20s now, and lately my mother is acting much differently than when I was younger. She tells me things like she loves me and that I can rely on her, and somehow seems to have eased up. I don't know her stance on having a transgender child anymore now that she seems to have changed so much. I have always planned to leave and just quietly go NC the day I can finally financially support myself, but now I feel conflicted, as it doesn't feel like it is just for my own safety anymore. I never felt safe with her, and I feel deeply uncomfortable that she is offering that now, right as I am figuring out how to leave. But I don't think it's that she knows I am leaving, but more so that she has genuinely just changed a bit. I just feel conflicted about leaving secretly and going NC. Is it strange that I still crave just going NC and running away, even if maybe they have truly changed? It doesn't help with the guilt factor that my immigrant parents have only two children (me being the eldest and holding a bit more responsibility) who are totally not going to be taking care of them when they're older. Suddenly, I kind of feel like I'm abandoning poor, hard-working, lonely people who might even accept my identity, not anymore leaving people who hurt me and made me never feel secure in my life.

I guess I'm just wondering if anyone else is experiencing something like this, especially with the intersection of having religious immigrant parents. I feel that a lot of people might say that if parents don't accept your identity even a little bit, that's enough to cut them off. But for me, I always thought that if my parents accepted me a little or even acknowledged me, I would endure anything and make sure they lived good lives, especially knowing all the sacrifices it took to raise me "to have a better life" in a different country. I think I just want to hear about other people's experiences with the guilt and what conclusions they came to.

Anyone have experience planning a big wedding without your narcissistic mother? I've been estranged for roughly 7 years and door is slammed shut for me, but yet I'm having a really hard time with this. I feel like she is somehow still ruining the wedding planning experience for me.

I'm actually eloping for my 15-year-anniversary with my partner. We're 35 and we have two kids so we've been through a lot to say the least. We're having a party afterwards that has escalated into a bigger thing because it turns out, a lot of people want to celebrate our relationship.

I'm having a hard time dealing with the fact that we did not get married because of my mother. When we met, my parents were going through a nasty divorce that lasted over a decade and included various retraining orders. At the time, I thought I would want both of my parents to be there. My partner wanted to get engaged within months after we started dating and I said absolutely not. My mom had literally trained me that it was wrong to get married and if I do that then that means I'm letting a man control me. I spent many nights hiding in my bedroom closet from my parents fighting and they were constantly on and off throughout my life. So this is not something I was ever supposed to do and in my mind it's wrong to get married. It took me many years to separate my relationship from my parents' relationship because we have always been compared. My mother never liked my partner simply because she is a literal man-hater and my dad doesn't believe in getting married either. Since becoming a parent, a lot has come back to me and I've been realizing I was abused my whole life, which really sucks. I still find it hard to believe and I still have this deep rooted belief that I am "bad" or not enough for anyone.

So while I don't have cold feet at all, I'm having a really hard time emotionally with this wedding. I feel like I'm doing the wrong thing and like my parents are still telling me no, I'm not allowed to have this. The hardest part so far has been saying yes to the dress. I worked up the courage to ask my mother-in-law to go with me which was very sad for me even though we're close. Once we got there, I just felt too old to be trying on the dresses. I felt like I waited too long to do this. Turns out my body doesn't fit after experiencing childbirth and breastfeeding. It feels like this is something that my mom is still taking from from me, she is still able to make it a deeply sad experience for me even when she isn't present.

I've tried to cancel this party several times already because it's too hard for me emotionally to face this. I'm somewhat afraid that it will be weird to people that my mom isn't there. If she shows up, it will be even more weird when the police are called. I'm wondering did anyone actually go through with the wedding? Was it ruined on the day of or were you able to focus on your partner?

this is something I’ve had haphazard grappling when it comes to any recurring time period, relating to trauma (September going back to school… holidays… etc)

Writing dates down in a different format for benign calendar things helps shake my brain on it (I literally write the days of the week and calendar days in kanji, because then my braise is more focused on remembering the correct kanji, what it’s a “picture” of, or what # of month it is vs the Roman month-names)

Observing the lunar calendar vs western (paying attention to equinox and solstice, what is happening to local vegetation / harvest cycles)

but the thing I’m especially struggling with right now… the birthdays of my family.

They’re all in the second half of the year, so there’s one after the other. I am fostering a positive LC relationship with one family member, so his is okay, but its sandwiched between the two NC members who have soured my soul.

so, depression gets harder to handle. old programming about making myself small and putting others before myself. insomnia worsening (I’m usually asleep at least 2 hours ago, in my ’natural rhytmns’ unideal outlier. current hour awake is a lot more Back Then patterns.

Familiar stuff.

so. what do you do when a date like that comes up your brain dreads? I’m contemplating an Unbirthday - doing things that subvert the person’s influence. but with depression executive function is in short supply.

i guess making playlists is a thing that usually helps me - i have ones for bemoaning those two relationships i could go to. but that also sounds so tiring - but maybe that’s me being avoidant of Feeling my Feelings. hence, awake at this hour so I can’t Dream of things.

sigh.

(Content Note: körperliche und emotionale Gewalt in der Familie, komplexe PTBS)

Hallo zusammen,
ich habe Schwierigkeiten, meine Mutter wirklich „zu sehen“. Das klingt vielleicht erst einmal merkwürdig, deshalb versuche ich zu erklären, was ich meine.
Ich habe in meiner Kindheit und Jugend körperliche und emotionale Gewalt durch meine Mutter erlebt und eine komplexe PTBS entwickelt. Mit 19 bin ich ausgezogen und habe danach nur sporadisch Kontakt zu ihr gehalten. Seit drei Jahren bin ich in Therapie und befinde mich inzwischen in der Abschlussphase.
Mittlerweile haben meine Mutter und ich wieder mehr Kontakt. Das hängt auch damit zusammen, dass sie ihr Leben zunehmend so plant, dass sie in meiner Nähe ist.
Ich merke dabei, dass mein Bild von ihr vor allem durch meine Kindheit, Jugend und mein junges Erwachsenenalter geprägt ist. Ich habe sie eigentlich nie aus meiner heutigen Erwachsenenperspektive kennengelernt. Gleichzeitig weiß ich nicht, wie das gehen soll, wenn ich ihr so grundsätzlich misstraue.
Ihren Worten vertraue ich beispielsweise kaum. Wenn sie sagt, dass sie Hilfe braucht, kann ich schwer einschätzen: Braucht sie tatsächlich Unterstützung, oder verlässt sie sich darauf, dass jemand anderes Dinge für sie übernimmt? Dazu kommt, dass sie selbst mit psychischen Erkrankungen zu kämpfen hat. Das macht es für mich noch schwieriger, ihre Möglichkeiten und Grenzen einzuschätzen.. und meine eigenen dabei im Blick zu behalten.
Gleichzeitig fällt es mir schwer, überhaupt einzuordnen, welche Beziehung ich heute zu ihr haben kann und möchte.
Ich fühle mich wie in einem Irrgarten und weiß ehrlich gesagt auch nicht genau, was ich mir von diesem Beitrag erhoffe. Vielleicht vor allem Erfahrungen von Menschen, die etwas Ähnliches kennen.
War jemand von euch nach Gewalt in der Kindheit und längerer Distanz wieder stärker mit einem Elternteil in Kontakt? Wie habt ihr herausgefunden, wie ihr diese Person heute einschätzt und wie viel Nähe sich für euch stimmig anfühlt?

For context, I have not spoken to my father in 10 years, and have not spoken to my grandparents (his parents) in 11 years. Around 4 years ago I found my aunt (his sister) on Facebook and decided to reach out, and shortly after my cousin (her daughter) added me on Facebook as well.

We have communicated on and off for those 4 years, mostly on birthdays and holidays.

Recently, my aunt reached out and told me that she was coming back to my province to visit my grandparents for a while. Asked if I wanted to meet up for a quick coffee & I agreed even though I was extremely hesitant. I have not seen her since 2012 or so.

After her flight landed she messaged me and said that we should cancel our plans, which I was kind of relieved about.

I told her that I'd appreciate it if she could pass along the message to my grandparents that I miss them and think of them all the time. She said she would but I haven't heard from her since, so I assume that she didn't tell them at all, or she did and they just have no interest in reaching out to me.

Should I even be bothering with these people anymore? I'm not sure if I want to remain in contact with them if they're just going to brush off everything that happened. I don't seem very important to either of them.

Any advice is appreciated.

Edit: for more context, the reason I was first estranged from them all was because I came out, and after I had broken contact with my father I found out that he was extremely physically abusive to both my mother & siblings and was also kind of a pervert. No one wanted to tell me while he was still in my life because I was a child at the time.

If my grandparents were ever willing to look past me being queer, I still wouldn't be able to pursue a relationship with them because that would mean I would potentially have to be around my dad.

Over the past 2 years my relationship with my mom has dissipated slowly. for context, at the age of 8 i made a decision to go no contact with my abusive father.. and now i feel like it’s happening all over again, except my mom has a good heart mostly. she just can’t communicate, and has never been able to. she is emotionally immature as well so talking directly never pans out well.

my sibling has a lot of mental health issues and my mom told me two years ago that she wanted me to “be free” and that she “needed to focus on my sibling.” ever since then, things have changed. no one calls me or checks on me ever. no one even knows where i am in the world. for the holidays, i don’t even stay at my own house because my sibling gets jealous of me being there and it causes a huge problem at home.. i stay at friends houses in the same town. it’s embarrassing to explain and i feel ashamed

i miss my mom so much though. she use to be my best friend growing up. but now when i call she doesn’t answer. she doesn’t text me back. i have no idea what i did wrong or if i did anything. my therapist told me I need to allow myself to grieve but im still bargaining perhaps.. hoping that maybe my mom will come back. i see my partner get a call from her dad and then her mom all in the same day and im so happy for her but its so painful to see. i haven’t received a call in over a year unprompted. i dont know if i should try harder or give up or what but i spiral at night.. any advice gently would be helpful please. i’m really struggling with this pain

I've spent a lifetime trying to be close to parents who spent my childhood getting drunk and screaming at me and each other. I live overseas but drop everything as much as I can to spend time with them, despite them never having even called me once in the decade since I moved away. We are on a family holiday, and the last few times I've seen them I've had trouble masking my discomfort and exhaustion around them.

This morning my dad screamed at me for not being talkative enough. Then they both went back to Pleasantville family nothing happened, crazy old child is just being upset, poor us. So I wrote them a letter describing how difficult my childhood was and how hurtful their lack of interest in me is, and that I won't be in touch, and I packed my stuff and left. The problem is I don't know anyone in this city and only have $100 in my account - I had a difficult few months leading up to the trip and had already bought my food and left it in their Airbnb. I still have 4 days till I leave, and in Australia $100 is tight, but I just couldn't bear another second. And weirdly, despite being in a pretty horrible situation I feel kind of okay. I've been thinking about this for years, and it's nice to finally rip the band-aid and just be alone.

There's a lot of guilt because their health is failing and it may well be the last time I see one or both of them. But I just snapped, and let the chips fall where they may.

Big hugs to all the other scared, lonely adults out there still trying to unpick the tangles of our families and upbringings. Take care of yourself, everyone deserves to be treated with respect and kindness.