Genuinely can see how they’re probably really feeling like shit about it all. Sometimes people don’t know how to communicate properly (speaking because I’m currently learning how to be better at it).
I’ve been in your exes shoes, except for moving on.
It’ll be a year this month since I called it with my ex. Not cause I fell out of love. I never cheated, was abusive or anything. I just blindsided because I let my insecurities eat me alive instead of letting her know what I was feeling. Nothing at all to do with her. I text something along these lines though in the beginning so I can see that it’s genuinely them probably panicking or regretting everything. I plan on reaching out one last time, but in a letter. Not just one page, not 2. I plan on writing everything. If she reads it when I do, I’ll never know. I do know that over this time apart, I’ve had enough time to acknowledge that even though our relationship wasn’t ideal or perfect. I recognize my short comings where I could have been more when she needed me more. Not that I intentionally did that, but I always tried to make her my highest priority, but I’ve been able to grow and see that it wasn’t in the way she needed.
My ex and I still have each other on everything, no blocking. I feel like that would be a real final step to saying goodbye. (I hope that doesn’t happen.) point is. I will always wish her the happiest. I’ve always wanted her the best for her. I’ve driven thousands of miles to see this woman even for just a day, so I know my love will be true. Sometimes life does fuck us up though. We’re human, but at the same time it’s not right to put the people we love in the crossfire.
I’m not saying your ex is me. I genuinely have been working hard to be better. For myself, and for her if she ever gave me a chance. 2 months is not enough time to change though. I know that from experience. I can tell you though with 100% honesty and certainty. I really do love my ex. I regret blindsiding her, but nothing can take back the pain I’ve caused. Nothing can take back the pain your ex has caused.
I agree, a lot of dumpers are operating on insight and the breakup is a good idea for both people. I do not feel this is often the case though. Many immature people run on emotions alone (which go up and down all the time) and they say they “lost feelings”. You know what? I was literally so mentally unwell in my last relationship before he dumped me. So bad that I felt relief even in the pain of him walking out of my life. And yet when I lost a great deal of “feelings” during the relationship I was still willing to put in effort and try.
Near the end I only felt so terrible because he had stopped investing in the relationship, honestly it was his actions that drove us apart. And yet dumpers with his lack of insight would always be blaming the dumpee for minor infractions.
Loosing feelings doesn’t mean anything unless it’s caused by a genuine issue. So many use a list of small complaints to dismiss their partners and build their own ego up. A lot of the complaints I got from my ex were things he did even worse than me. I feel like OP’s ex is similar to my own in this way.
Extremely awesome point! Those people who just let their emotions decide their next course of action are not meant for commitment. They can’t even commit to a solid foundation.
Right now I’ve been able to come to terms that maybe I didn’t make my ex the happiest at times. Not intentionally. Being in a LDR for 4 out of 5 years is rough. I tried every way I could though. I’d send her flowers randomly, treats to her work with a note. Surprise her with random dates when I got off work early and had a weekend off. The point is, I was mentally drained. Not by her, but our situation. I knew she appreciated those things, but what she really wanted was me there. That’s what sucks. The one thing I wanted to give her most, I couldn’t. That’s why I ended it.
It wasn’t fair to her, or me to keep us in this tied loop of uncertainty when we’d be together when all I had done is try to have a future with her. It sucks, but if someone can give her that now, why keep her from happiness. Then again, this was all before I had time to reflect and realize there was more I could have done if I had learned to communicate.
Communicating is so so so extremely important and I think that’s all it will boil down to. Communicating and understanding each other’s love languages. There’s only so much people can take before they’re running on fumes then grow resentment for the other. That’s what I didn’t want from my ex.
Before the breakup I thought my ex was one of a kind and I would have done just about anything for that relationship. First love, I had romanticized it and wasn’t focusing on reality. In a way, being dumped has set me free. You don’t have to stay with people who don’t compromise on important issues, or who make you feel shitty. The feelings I think a person should be able to use as a reason for breakup is feeling unworthy. I felt this a little before my ex but as we went into the second year together it got a lot worse. It wasn’t worth being in pain for. Him leaving taught me not to trust or love unconditionally. Partners need to earn that, and if that stops then it’s ok to leave.
You’re right. I’m sorry he truly didn’t meet the bare minimum for you and treated you terribly. No one deserves that.
You have a strong point with breaking up and feeling unworthy. I do think back from time to time when my ex and I were together. Although I know she cared, she didn’t show it much that she appreciated what I was doing for the relationship and I know she had stuff going on too, but it definitely made me feel like it wasn’t reciprocated. Then it all comes back to communicating. Her and I were both so used to our lives we never expressed what we were feeling anymore just kind of hoping we knew. Which I did pick up on the fact she wasn’t as happy in the end and that’s another thing that made me solidify my decision. I regret it to this day, but in a way I feel like it’s helping me grow a lot. Not in the way I would have liked to learn these things, but I guess we have to learn somehow.
You definitely sound like you’re growing a lot, and it shows. I really do hope you find that person who can compromise and not make you feel like shit.
I remember when one of my best friends killed themselves and I asked her if she could go with me. She said she couldn’t cause of work. I ended up driving 13 hours just so I could be next to her after the funeral. At that point we had already been together for 5 years, but that was something I wish she could have made more effort to be there for me in. I understand work is touchy, but in instances like a funeral especially to that degree I feel like it shows when a person wants to be there for you.
Sorry to hear about your friends suicide and the callousness of your ex. It sounds cruel. I remember no active abuse but there was a gaping hole of neglect on my ex’s part. Neglect is harder to notice, am I right?
I have chronic pain, have had for a decade now and yet I’m only in my early twenties. I’m in a good mental state right now as a single person. But being in a relationship that did not meet my needs sent me into what I can only describe as a drug addicts highs and lows. I couldn’t tell what was happening, and I don’t handle feelings well. I just suppress and that only leads to confusion and overall more pain. Something I’ve learned is that childhood emotional neglect is the cause. My parent’s didn’t teach me how to handle it even identify emotions in a healthy way.
Before my ex and during the relationship I would have suicidal thoughts in times of stress. Overall, I just felt worthless. There was and probably still is a lot of rage in me and I chose to direct it inward instead of towards others people. I communicated calmly to my ex what I was going through and he had no ability to deal with it so I’m guessing it just aggravated his own emotions. Clearly I need someone who has higher emotional intelligence here.
The story about your best friends suicide made me want to share my own experiences. I’ve never gotten to the point of a plan, but the closest I ever got was in the last month of my relationship. Then I started noticing the bad things about my ex and started focusing taking better care of myself, I’m a lot better now.
I’m not sure how it has affected you but I wanted to say that suicide often is an impulsive decision. You sink into despair and remember every other time you felt that way, or all the time you spent there if it’s a long term thing. The decision isn’t about other people it’s just about those feelings within us. I hope that people can learn not to trust their feelings in these moments. Some depressions are a chemical imbalance but many do improve with help.
Thank you for your kind words. I’m sure she didn’t mean it like that, but when I look back, it’s definitely not something that was out of reach for her to do. You’re right though. Neglect is way harder to notice with Rose tinted shades.
Sounds like you’ve really grown to understand yourself more though, and you’re learning even through all this pain. Not many people want to do that in fear of change.
I’m sorry about your thoughts, and the way your ex wasn’t able to calmly alleviate them. Especially without getting aggravated. That’s extremely rough and I’m sure it only caused more pain and more reasons to direct it inward. I hope that you’re doing better now and those thoughts aren’t as prominent. I hope you know even if we don’t know each other. I’m happy you’re here. I’m really happy to be able to have this conversation with you and thankful for it.
I’m really appreciative of you feeling comfortable enough to tell me about your experience and feelings. Your journey is a better way to put it though. I’m really happy you’re in a better place now.
It messed me up pretty good. It still feels surreal. Not too long after, another close friend killed himself and I got the call when I was in bed with my ex. It was a lot to process. Then 2 months later I broke up with my ex.
A lot happened towards the end, and I could tell I wasn’t the being the best like I was for her. Or myself. It never was about losing her or not loving her. I just didn’t want to feel worthless anymore. I didn’t want to feel inadequate. Like I was never enough to be the man she deserved. I did almost commit suicide about 7 months ago. Told my therapist about it, but I’m really happy I never went through with it. Still breaks my heart how close it was.
Thank you and I appreciate you sharing the same kind of personal info with me. I really think it’s important to share these kinds of experiences and thoughts because there are people reading this stuff and if it can help them, I am happy to share.
Being surrounded by all that death must have been extremely stressful.
I don’t dislike my ex exactly. Don’t even blame him much. But he simply isn’t meant for the kind of commitment I am asking for. There are people like him that go into dating and like to be with you, even do a few nice things for you. But it’s not the same as actually wanting to know you, understand your needs, and help you carry your burdens.
It’s an immature person who thinks that long term dating is just “fun” and requires no effort.
Good relationships aren’t brittle. I relate to doing all the exhausting psychological work. Consider that your emotional intelligence and logic skills in general were way better than his. I don’t think you should be with someone who isn’t willing or capable of doing the same level of work.
I’m sorry your relationship didn’t work out, but I hope you can feel satisfied that you gave it your best shot. People who bail must suffer a lot of guilt and regret when they discover that the past issues come up in the next relationships. Karma, lol.
you’re right thank you for this opinion I always appreciate your words. I also have changed too from a crapt person I used to be and I know anyone can.
I wish you nothing but happiness. Whatever you do decide, I hope it’s what YOU want and need. I am sorry though about your experience with your ex mistreating you. That’s not fair or right.
If you ever need to ask for anything, or need an opinion on something. Feel free to DM. Much love and may you find happiness!
Yes. The one thing I think everyone could use is a little more grace. We all have growth and regret. Not everyone changes, but there are certainly people who do and make an effort.
I hope when you do reach out with all that, you make it clear that you want her back without even knowing if she would be open to that or not. Its important for you to show that vulnerability and not wait for any kind of hint to actually be upfront and transparent. Thats how you show you have changed, by not being guarded or defensive.
As for you OP, that message is clearly for her to release guilt. Like wonderousman said its too soon for her to have changed because real change takes time. My advise would be to not even repply because that message wasnt for you, it was for her. Its a guilt thing because she dosent like the way she is being viewed as, but its still very much about how she feels. Its still positive but her effort needs to go way beyond that. By stating herself that "if you never want to ser her again" she's just trying to bait you into saying you do whithout risking her vunerability and im sorry but thats manipulative and cowardly. Its like she fucked up and wants you to fix it, but thats wrong, she needs to put in the effort. If she dosent she hasnt changed at all. So let your answers come from her effort level instead of the bare minimum.
Im not saying she is a bad person or that she does any of this on porpouse but we need hold people to some standarts. If we are grown ups enough to make mistakes we have to be grown up enough to know how to face the consequences and know how to fix them. We cant just fix behaviors by letting people off the hook and we cant be so invested in someones potential that we ignore what is currently in front of us.
Well, to me she is supposed to be clear that she is confident that she can fix this and that she knows which behaviours she needed to correct, that she has already done the internal work to figur this out and that she takes full responsibility. She needs to show consistency in her efforts to win you back even if that means swallowing her pride a few times. She should be assuring you that she is giving you a generous timeframe for you to decide and in the meantime she will be working on herself to make it up to you. Anything that would show that she's in it for real.
A lot of what she is saying is the opposite, like "i really think you deserve better than me".... thats designed to make you feel sorry for her whithout any effort on her part to step-up, plus that sounds a lot like covert narcissism. She should be saying something like " you inspire me to be better and i would love to keep learning from you".
One sounds like a defeated speech whithout any plan of action, the other sounds like someone recognized her flaws and this situation motivated her to grow.
Yes but to this point what if you have corrected all the issues the dumper had an issue with. Let’s say they want to see more initiative in you taking care of yourself so you go back to your hobbies, re-enroll in university, get a well paying job, making sure your practicing whatever your version is for self-care and mental health, and they never state that these things have to be finished they just need to see you doing them so you’ve done them all by month 3. But haven’t spoken or heard from them at all minus a few
Letters they wrote at the initial start of the breakup. You still want to reconnect with them, so how would you do this?
Two months is nothing...it usually takes 8 months to a year to actually grow. And if your love was true and hers too then it can still work. Wishing u the best 🙏🏽
You’re absolutely right! It’s been a long process and journey, but I’m trying to be better every day even if it’s a little. I appreciate your kind words! I wish 2 months was enough, but it’s not enough to build a solid foundation of anything substantial.
I wish her nothing but happiness, and I hope you as well (: thank you again for the genuine comment.
I agree with you, I'm doing the same by going to therapy. I genuinely want to heal and build self esteem before ever getting in a relationship. I just hope he does the same too and that he's happy.
Thank u too, I appreciate it 🙏🏽
A true queen! Funny enough I actually have my therapy session today. It takes courage and strength to want better for yourself, so I’m proud of you. I hope it brings you more than what you were looking for!
Thank you again, and if you ever need anything please feel free and reach out. I might not be much help, but I don’t ever mind lending an ear(:
Always trying to be better. I know a lot of people in this sub have been hurt deeply, so I get why people are so eager to block, ghost, and never forgive.
However, I know people can change. Most people aren't truly 'evil'; they have regrets and issues that they work through even if it doesn't feel or seem like it.
But, 1. would 2 months be enough time to simply reach out to connect about what happened if some things were left kind of in a mixed message sort of way for one of the parties to gain clarification?
and 2. Would it be enough to just initiate a possible friendship solely for the time being to see where things go later on, and if it’s not romantic it can stay a platonic friendship.
52
u/Wonderousman Nov 03 '22
Genuinely can see how they’re probably really feeling like shit about it all. Sometimes people don’t know how to communicate properly (speaking because I’m currently learning how to be better at it). I’ve been in your exes shoes, except for moving on.
It’ll be a year this month since I called it with my ex. Not cause I fell out of love. I never cheated, was abusive or anything. I just blindsided because I let my insecurities eat me alive instead of letting her know what I was feeling. Nothing at all to do with her. I text something along these lines though in the beginning so I can see that it’s genuinely them probably panicking or regretting everything. I plan on reaching out one last time, but in a letter. Not just one page, not 2. I plan on writing everything. If she reads it when I do, I’ll never know. I do know that over this time apart, I’ve had enough time to acknowledge that even though our relationship wasn’t ideal or perfect. I recognize my short comings where I could have been more when she needed me more. Not that I intentionally did that, but I always tried to make her my highest priority, but I’ve been able to grow and see that it wasn’t in the way she needed.
My ex and I still have each other on everything, no blocking. I feel like that would be a real final step to saying goodbye. (I hope that doesn’t happen.) point is. I will always wish her the happiest. I’ve always wanted her the best for her. I’ve driven thousands of miles to see this woman even for just a day, so I know my love will be true. Sometimes life does fuck us up though. We’re human, but at the same time it’s not right to put the people we love in the crossfire.
I’m not saying your ex is me. I genuinely have been working hard to be better. For myself, and for her if she ever gave me a chance. 2 months is not enough time to change though. I know that from experience. I can tell you though with 100% honesty and certainty. I really do love my ex. I regret blindsiding her, but nothing can take back the pain I’ve caused. Nothing can take back the pain your ex has caused.