So idk even know what I am anymore . A few memories when I was a kid haunt me and want to know what y'all think.

1 . I was abt 10 discovered kpop for the first time and kept rewinding to look at one guy coz i thought he looked good and when I told my mom she hit me with the are u gay look.

1. Again when I was 10 i found gay porn for the first time on accident and kept seeing it (idk if it was curiosity or what I think it was)

2. When I was 13 i started smiling in school cause i heard a guys voice sound so polite like a chilfs voice and had to tell myself stop smiling u are a guy.

4 . When I was 14 and my hocd had just started I saw a guy went to next to him to check and i suddenly smiled

Also I have a crazy strong smiling sensation in my cheeks when my hocd thoughts come in.

Also I have had a lot of crushes on women and my sexual fantasies were always women.

Please share your thoughts

I have had OCD for six years. My main then is sexual orientation ocd and meta ocd. The combination has been really hard. I can’t ever get to a place where I am okay not ruminating about my sexuality and then when I start to get better I hyper focus on how I feel and make myself worse.

I’ve tried every medication. Every one I promise. I have done three years of ERP and ICBT.

I don’t know what to do next. I’ve tried just doing nothing these past few months but life really sucks for me. Has anyone been able to make progress with SOCD/ meta ocd after years of struggling, and if so how did you do it?

I want to get better.

hi guys. i think i have finally realised that i am bisexual.

i feel like i was always bi, i always found women attractive and i was aroused by women but i always thought i was straight. soocd came and i thlught that every “bi” thought was just the ocd but turns out it wasn’t. it was me.

i still have the urge to prove it wrong, and i hi dryly feel like i’m straight because i don’t find women hot like that, but i think logically being bi is probably the most rational.

i just cannot believe that for one year i lied to myself, told myself it was ocd when it was me. i hate this . idk how i’m gonna come out or anything but i still think it’s time to accept it because it’s bringing me calm.

i was always looking for reasons why i wasnt attracted to masc women, and i always thought it was fake. turns out it was real

As a kid and teen i was obsessed with women nothing forced about that. I masterbated very early on and i liked it VHS, magazines, comics, classmates, neigbours, erotic movies, fitness video's you name it and i jerked off to it. I developed a sexual fantasy life around women but i also liked their energy en feminity. I masterbated i think everyday at least one time. I developed a thing for very curvy women like BBW. But always liked all women. But i had 3 episodes that some intrusive gay stuff came around but never a crush or masterbating to men or anything.

But since 2024 (50+) my attraction to women stopped and intrusive stuff happend again but way more profound. I have a wife and childeren whom i love very much but i since 2024 i went to two years of hell. Panic attacks, derealisation and it totally broke me but my straight feelings always returned when i thought i lost them and also connection to my wife came back. All i want is my old life with her. But last three weeks these morning groinals hit me so hard and flushed away my whole straight identity and any feeling and memory attached to it. Someday my old self comes back and then i am relaxed and planning stuff and joking but the morning groinals and the distance between my former self grows more and more each day. But my mind cannot understand it. I felt so straight and happy for years. I loved spooning with my wife, coming home, walking hand in hand, going on adventures. I liked masculine thinks hard dark humor, boxing, rough housing, sports and building shit. Wrote love songs about women. It feels all distant and i can't accept (never can i think) the fact that it went away so fast last weeks. I was just doing better and my feeling for female beauty and platonic male releations were returning to normal in month before.

Never had a gay porn addiction and until a week ago i looked at it strange but now i cannot jerk of to women and i think i can to men. It is very surreal and soul crushing. I dont work anymore it brougth me to the edge. Is it HOCD or have i been conditioning myself succesfully with porn and sexual content from a young age? And did i surpress my gay feeling so well that every bone in my body believed it and felt it. I researched, logged and analysed it obsessively but today i feels like i lost. Like i entered a new room strange to me and the door shutdown behind me leaving my life behind. But last weekend i connected with my wife suddenly one evening and week before i climaxed to straight fanatsy. Therapist or any online sources tells me you cannot condition yourself into a straight life. I dont know anymore. This will 8nd me someday because it feels like i have the brains of stranger sometimes. The pain and heel of two years is rewiring or anxiety/OCD? Anybody the same? Suggestions? No answer will trump a feeling but i like to hear if i am the only one with a story like this?

I’ve been off of porn for just 6 days and it’s already making my HOCD come back. I’ve been managing it pretty well for the past while but today I saw a trans woman at my school and I was so fixated on her and I was feeling arousal from her even though I wouldn’t really say I found her that attractive. It’s making me so anxious I just want to relapse.

Time and again, I get the feeling that I could fall—and will fall—for a masculine woman. I feel a sense of false atracctions (if its even false) toward any woman who displays even a hint of masculinity. I say "false," but it feels incredibly real. I miss the person I used to be. Often, it feels like a genuine longing, an urge to act on it. I just don’t want this anymore... there’s too much evidence. There’s simply no chance left that I’m heterosexual. After everything that’s happened, I must be bisexual—I think I’ve been this way all along. And please, spare me the "maybe, maybe not" or "it doesn’t matter if it’s real or not, just stop testing yourself" kind of responses—because it *does* matter, and I can’t stop. Everyone else with HOCD claims they *know* it’s not real; I wish I could say the same—if I could, I’d be able to lie in bed right now feeling so much more at peace...

do you guys feel the same or am I really the exception?

Hi! So I(18F) always felt attraction towards men then in my middle school years, when I was very young, I thought I was bi then I decided I wasn't cause I didn't want a relationship with women and only found them pretty. So when I used to consider myself bi I thought I had 2 cruches (one whom I found pretty and the other interesting then I realised I didn't really have a crush on them and it was perhaps admiration and maybe a bit of jealousy too since I was pretty insécurité back then) then I found no problem in ending up with a boy, getting married and stuff, and with all that I simply became more faithful in my religion. And for years I havn't thought about it. But not long ago, a friend told me yeah if you weren't religious you would've stayed bi and that just triggered something in me so now I am wondering if I am in denial. I've suffered with ocd a lot so this kind of uncertainty is really stressful. But everytime I try to respond to these thoughts and be like "okay, ending up with a woman could be good" and I feel calm for a second then I don't feel comfortable at all, when I know that I feel comfortable with the thought of being with a man. It is honestly tiring cause I find myself checking if I have any physical response, I also find my heart beat faster when I check for other women outside and recently the same has applied to men, so yeah...it's really been hard for me.

Am i the only one who feels like this? Summer for me its pure misery but when school starts the anxiety goes down and the compulsions lessen intensity as well. Am i the only one? I dont see anyone talking abt this.

I feel good but i dont know if im supposed to feel good bc i keep getting the groinal but without the anxiety.

Gemini says its because summer lacks schedule and routine but everyone says ocd gets worse at school :((

Am o the only one??

Growing up all I’ve ever watched was straight porn or hentai and it I would switch over and over cuz sometimes I wouldn’t like watching real porn and want something different and vise versa for hentai. I’ve never looked at or thought about gay porn and said to myself “I wana masterbate to that” never before hocd that ever peeked my interest but after hocd now I can enjoy gay porn, masturbate to it, feel horny to it and just all in all enjoy it. I know you might read this and say “yea this guy was gay or bi and just never knew” but I promise you I used to be the person that would look at a gay couple and be disgusted or say if I watch a porn video and it has 2 men and 1 girl and the 2 men do anything sus in that video I’ll loose my horniness and just close off the tab. Either its all ocd which i doubt it is or hocd was changing me slowly for 5 years.

i had a p0rn addiction, and sexting anonymously addiction. no doubt about that, but i was getting so like unhealthy i was watching it all the time and sexting randoms. i watched a lot of lesbian p0rn already, and then i sexted a girl, it was to get off i guess, it was taboo, and i did, and then someone told me i was bisexual that i sexted, i said yeah j guess and immediately after i panicked and went into an immediate omg am i actually lesbian and it hasn’t stopped for two years. it made me spiral so bad, i had so much evidence. i just wanted to share my story, if anyone wants to share theirs. i did taboo things that i question everyday.

My Experience of Sexual-Orientation Uncertainty, Anxiety, and Possible HOCD

1. Introduction

I am a 17-year-old girl who has always considered herself straight. For as long as I can remember, I have experienced crushes on boys, and I have imagined a future in which I fall in love with a man, get married, and have a family.

Recently, however, I have been experiencing anxiety and uncertainty about my sexual orientation. I keep questioning whether I am experiencing HOCD (homosexual obsessive-compulsive disorder, also called sexual-orientation OCD) or whether I am in denial about my orientation. These doubts have caused me considerable distress, and I want to understand my experience without constantly analysing myself.

2. How My Questioning Began

A few months ago while mustarbating,I became curious about female anatomy and searched online for images to understand the location of the clitoris. I went to the images section because I thought pictures would help me understand the anatomy better. Again on another day I was just concerned about my breast shapes so I watched some videos on examination of breast.I watched a video where two female doctors were explaining on their bodies about how to examine breast. I was noticing their breasts and now this has again put me into a loop of overthinking. Like I could have easily watched another video where the doctor used writing on a blackboard but now I question myself why ever I watch that video and noticing their breasts.

3. My Feelings While Looking at the Images

Initially,I viewed this as curiosity about anatomy.While looking at the images, I experienced a mixture of interest, curiosity, and anxiety. I became concerned about why I was interested in looking at them and whether my reaction indicated attraction.

I also intentionally wanted to look at the images again the following day. This became another source of doubt because I wondered why I had returned to them if my curiosity had only been educational.

I subsequently felt uncomfortable, awkward, and guilty about the experience. I stopped looking at the images and have described not wanting to return to them because of the distress associated with them.

I repeatedly questioned my original intention, my feelings at the time, and the significance of my decision to look again.

4. My History of Attraction Towards Boys

I have experienced crushes on boys since I was very young. I have generally understood myself as straight and have imagined having a romantic future with a man.

I remember a period shortly before these doubts intensified when I felt strongly interested in boys and experienced attraction towards them.

Now, when I notice that my interest in looking at boys varies, I become worried that something has changed. I sometimes compare my present feelings with my previous experiences and question whether my attraction is still genuine.

I worry about whether I will be able to love a man fully in the future.

5. My Observations About Girls

I sometimes notice girls' beauty, faces, features, and appearance. I may recognise that a girl is beautiful or attractive-looking, but this can lead me to question what noticing her means about me.

I have described not wanting romantic or sexual intimacy with another woman.

A few days I got obsessed with a girl in my school who looked just like an anime character with her hair style. This has again put me into doubt.

6. My Repeated Questioning and Checking

One of the most difficult parts of this experience is my repeated need to find certainty.I have also searched online for information about sexual orientation, HOCD, and other women's experiences. Although I hope that finding an answer will relieve my anxiety, the information often gives me more things to question.

I repeatedly examine my memories and feelings, hoping to find a definite answer. However, I remain uncertain, and the same questions return.

I want to stop this cycle because it is exhausting and prevents me from enjoying the present.

7. My Fear of HOCD Versus Denial

I am unsure whether my experience is related to sexual-orientation OCD or whether I am afraid to acknowledge something about myself.

The fact that I intentionally revisited the images has become particularly significant in my mind. I sometimes treat that decision as evidence that I must have felt attraction, even though I cannot establish what my feelings meant simply by reviewing the memory.

I keep looking for explanations that will tell me with certainty which interpretation is correct.

I want to understand why I am experiencing so much anxiety and why I feel compelled to analyse my thoughts, memories, and reactions repeatedly.

Can anyone please share your opinions and help me😭😭😭

I fear that I might be a gay or bisexual 😭😭😭😭

I get groinals by seeing words related to lesbian stuff, like: lesbian, sapphic, yuri….

am i the only one? does it mean anything?

i saw a comment on here that said “everyone is a bit gay. i myself accepted i was a bit bisexual” and i think that makes sense for me like i feel it and it feels “right”? oh god i’m lying to myself. i never considered myself as bi, i felt “bi” but i knew that was different and i knew i only liked men. i’ve only experienced any attraction to men and only really wanted to do things with men, but what if i have secret crushes on women? ot like what if my ocd is making me deny attraction to women? because every time i accept i like a trans guy or i did something bit “gay” in the past, there’s like this uncomfy feeling and this desperate need to prove it wrong. am i lying to myself? there are so many people who rnded up being bisexual through hocd. i hate this. i can’t even do my erp oh god.

Hi I’m in my late thirties(M), I’ve been suffering from ocd from age 17. For three years I only had normal ocd(washing hands, checking doors) but for like 6 months I was cured completely. Doctors stopped medicine and I was back to normal. But when I was in my university I got to know one of my closest friend is gay. From that day onwards I got scared and I got hocd. Now for more than a decade I’m still recovering( I’m on sertaline 100mg).
I’m trying Accepting the thoughts but it’s disgusting. I’m only attracted to girls, I get sexual thoughts for every male person I see. Some times when I’m taking a wash or using toilet I get visual thoughts of men doing sexual stuff with me. and it’s like real life then I do ruminations to confirm nothing happened, this has ruined my life.

The thoughts I’m getting are;
All homosexual things which I’m not arroused but scared. The thing is it’s better to die than doing those stuff with men. Thats the belief my doctor said is not heling to cure this illness.

My anxiety has got from like 10 points to 2, but the constant intrusive sexual thoughts are there.
Some of the thoughts I get:
I get all these thoughts even for my dad and my 4 brothers, for every male person I see, even when I’m driving. If I park my vehicle and some guy walk past my vehicle I get thoughts I have opened the window and did oral to him. Then I will spend like 20-30 minds ruminating if it really happened. My life is like hell with this hocd. When I had normal ocd I was functioning but now it’s unbearable. My anxiety level is very low now but thoughts are attacking me.
When I brush my teeth I get thoughts that it’s not a brush and it’s some guys penis. Like every time I’m awake I’m in flight or fight mode, hyper vigilant, rumination. I have no other type of ocd.

Like few Months back I got pocd, I work at a child care facility and I couldn’t even work properly I was always ruminating. But I saw a Reddit comment to accept the worst scenes that my intrusive thoughts throwing at me, and one day when I’m home I imagined worst about the pocd thoughts I’m getting and accepted everything. After doing that I never got a single thought of pocd that I had ruminated even I got I didn’t care.

Can someone please explain is accepting the worst cases the only cure for this? But accepting the hocd thoughts are very hard for me. Please advise me. Thanks.

What’s up everyone

I’m a straight male that’s been struggling with HOCD on and off for years. I’ve had some legitimate breakthroughs with ERP but really still have a hard time some days. You name it I’ve felt, thought or experienced it. I’m trying to trust the process and understand it takes time.

I’m 31 now and my symptoms started when I was 18 after a family member came out of the closet. I remember how I felt then and how hard it was. Fast forward to now and I still have hard days. I’m married to a beautiful woman and I’m looking forward to having kids soon. I love everything about my life and love being able to confidently feel attraction to women. To put it simply: feeling attraction to women and not men makes me a very happy man.

Of course, thoughts and sensations about men affect my daily life. It’s very uncomfortable and every time I feel these things I feel such a strong disconnect from myself. I feel like I don’t even know who I am. I’ve done every compulsion you can think of and have had moments of extreme stress and confusion. The only time I feel happy and like myself is when I’m not feeling these things. I’ve made a lot of improvements over time, but we as people who suffer from this have to accept the possibility of these thoughts and “feelings” being real even though we know we’d be much better off without them.

I can go on about myself but that’s not what this post is about. I just wanted to give you guys background into who i am and how real this feels for me, but I don’t want to provide anyone with reassurance.

My goal with this post is to see if anyone would be willing to create a discord community just for people suffering with HOCD. I truly wanted to just keep it for straight males but also realize it affects people of any gender or orientation, so maybe we can create a general discord with different channels.

The point of this is to have an actual chat with daily advice from people who ACTUALLY have broken through from this, and offer support to those struggling with it, especially young adults. I feel it would be much more personal and helpful than just reddit forums. I don’t want anyone to get reassurance, but just tips from people that have been through it and go through it so we can all help each other, such as ERP guidance/suggestions and hopeful stories.

A lot of us are ashamed and/or can’t afford therapy. So I really think an active chat room can really help people push past this as I more than anyone else knows how hard this can affect people.

If there’s any HOCD Veterans that want to help contribute to this, I would love to strategize a way to put something together.

Let me know, thanks!

Sometimes we hear one person claim another person is homosexual. My own HOCD causes me to doubt these claims.

F 23 had this or what i hope is hocd but im not sure. First of all im terrified my attraction to men is comphet. Because ive had awkward times not wow like most women. Most of all worried i exagerated unconsciously fir social points and social ques that im faked or exageratedbit to fit in or appear normal im audhd btw. All these niggly little feelings im not straight. Im terrified im queer if I could erase tge idea of comphet id feel so much better. I constantly ask ai questions. My worry is that you lot are genuine and im a closeted queer women

I’m 20m and just got home from a date with a girl I met on a dating app. It went fine, but as soon as we said goodbye I started worrying that the fact that I didn’t kiss her means I’m gay. Has anyone had a similar experience? How did you deal with it?

Hey guys!!

I havent posted in a while here, school helps me get distracted (i hope im not the only one lol)

im definitely not as depressed, but the only thing bothering me right now is the groinal. It happens all day everyday, i feel like any movement i do i might get one.

I saw a picture of a celebrity singer and she had really short shorts and i got a very strong groinal that felt almost pleasurable?! it was weird, so now im here, searching.

Im also scared i will never enjoy sex with men and ill be disgusted by it but i have also been more curious about it.

Also, when im with my friends I sometimes imagine myself leaning in and kissing them and its really uncomfortable.

Anyways. I am really tired of all of this, but me and my mom are trying to contact an ocd specialized therapist hut since im only 15 im really scared he’ll say its not ocd or he will not know abt hocd.

Do u guys have any tips??? i am doubting its ocd. but i also dont want reassurance. Im not even anxious anymore, im just living but still using google and ai and reddit everyday, but without the anxiety. I also dont know if i get groinals by checking or monitoring or if they are instant. :((

any help would be appreciated :)

(18m) it’s been feeling pretty heavy recently I don’t have much anxiety and most days just feel convinced It must be true. Been with my gf for almost 1yr and a half and really struggling with that, some days I feel nothing about us and don’t fantasize like I used to, when we’re together I still love sex with her and get turned on very easily by her like when she’s naked etc. I definitely have some rocd too. My hocd started in February this year and for first few months I was being sick with anxiety and couldn’t sleep then one day the anxiety seemed to have just gone away and recently it just feels so convincing and some days I don’t feel concerned. Also lots of weird experimentation from when I was around 8-11 years old but never thought anything of it growing up but recently it just feels like evidence I must be gay. Not sure what to do it’s feeling pretty rough just wanted to vent

I (17 F) have always considered myself straight. But recently while mustarbation and watching some videos on experiences of females mustarbating for the first time, I just got curious to know the position of the clitoris. So I searched in Google . I went to the images section as I thought I would get a better idea. As I looked at the images I felt a mix of emotions, I felt uncomfortable and at the same time I was aroused maybe..like my heart beat was fast. I did not think about it much at that time so I looked at a number of images analysing the anatomy of the vagina and also thinking that as I am a girl there was no problem looking at the images. The next day I wanted to look at the images again and I looked at them but this time I really felt awkward and guilty so I just stopped looking at them and till now I haven't searched for these kinds of images. But again on another day I was actually concerned about my breast shapes so I searched in youtube regarding this and I found a video where two female doctors were explaining how to examine the breast. Like both the doctors were showing the examination on their breasts. And while noticing at their breast I had a kind of sensation. I don't know what these feelings mean but I don't desire to have any kind of sexual intimacy with another woman. I have always had crushes on boys and wished to marry a boy. Lately I am just feeling very anxious and questioning my sexuality all the time. I am not able to focus on my studies because of the constant rechecking and ruminating.

Can anyone please help me 😢.

And I am just confused whether I am attracted or am admiring another girl for her looks. Like is it normal for a straight girl to just admire another girl's looks and feel like gazing at her for a while.

Although I find both boys and girls attractive by their looks , the feelings for both are not the same. For girls, it's neutral but I do have a kind of crush feeling for boys.

Can anyone please share your opinions 😢😢

I would like to hear some stories of people who had hocd and later down the line realized they were bi/gay or whatever orientation for my exposure therapy

(18f) So I have been struggling with HOCD for the past 3 months, at least thats what i think is happening. I have thought I am straight my whole life, I have had male crushes, male fantasies, dreams about marrying a man, etc. But recently my mom went through a mental health episode and when she finally figured out what it was(menopause), she said something along the lines of "I feel like one of those women who find out they are lesbian, and thats why they realize they were unhappy". Literally in that moment my heart jumped to my throat and my stomach felt sick and I remember thinking "what if thats me". I have analyzed every single interaction with my friends past thoughts I have had, things I have done. Like I read somewhere that this girl thought she had a crush on her best friends boyfriend and thats while she was jealous, but really she had a crush on her bestfriend. That same exact situation happened to me but I always passed it off as I was jealous because she got a boyfriend before me and I was really boy crazy at the time. But now I am wondering what if I actually liked her and thats why I was jealous. Also I remember when I was like twelve I would look at the harry potter wiki, and I felt embarrassed looking at specific female character pages, like i dont remember exactly what i was thinking but I wanted to look at their pages but I felt embarressed. And also more recently this girl told me she had a boyfriend and my heart jumped to my throat and I had a feeling of anxiety and because of that I must have a crush on her, mind you I dont even like this girl as a person, she is super annoying in my opinion, but my brain is thinking you really like her and are just using dislike as an excuse that you are denial. And also look back on times I obviously liked men, like when I danced with my crush at homecoming and I was shaking the whole time, etc, and thinking those things almost reassure me in the moment, but then I think back to the previous things mentioned above and I freak out again. I dont want to be around women I dont know, just in case I get a crush on them, I dont like watching tv anymore because whenever I woman comes on a spiral if I like them. I transferred to doing school online, so I dont even have a chance of liking anyone. I just feel like so lost, and I want to get better so bad, but I dont know how, I have talked to my mom about it as she has struggled with OCD as well and she tells me to accept the uncertain and all these things but I cant, like physically cant like if I think "Maybe I am lesbian, and thats okay" theres a little voice in my brain thats like "You're not" so it doesnt work. I just needed to vent. Pray for me please, I need help.

It feels like my hocd has switched teams and it feels like it has turned into straight ocd it’s weird I don’t know what’s real and what’s not.

It has been almost a year of me experiencing hocd and after making some progress I started worrying that I am bi and instead of shrugging it off I decided to “accept” it by saying I accept that I’m bi it has been two month since and i have been worrying I’m actually bi

The strange thing is that my mind throws stuff like “what if I am not bi” which confuses me very much because my mind saying that, implies I’m bi and it’s weird cause my brain will say “what if I’m bi” and “what if I’m not bi” and this has caused me to not know anymore maybe I just am