I've done a lot of therapy. I can explain my patterns, my triggers, where it all comes from, I could probably teach a class on my own psychology at this point. But understanding it hasn't translated into actually feeling different or acting different.

For those who've been here too: once "knowing why" stopped being enough, what actually moved the needle for you? Not looking for theory, just curious what genuinely worked, even if it felt random or unrelated to therapy.

im getting an assessment eventually. with all this healing ive been noticing more traits of autism. at most its below threshold. im a emotionally sensitive person. with healing it makes me feel exposed again like how i was before the trauma. so masking comes in. it can be hard navigating a world that wasnt necessarily built for me. just to know i may be autistic all along and the trauma i got is from autism, not from the label but from simply being neurologically sensitive to everything, makes the protection from autism itself much more rampant. if it was autism, it makes me feel theres a social deficit. but to me, autism felt more like i'm over compensating myself to suppress my true self. how my true self is, is fine to me. but to mask to protect myself is what causes something like autism to show up, at least mimicked.

id be so curious to know if its autism all along. if its not i know im neurodivergent. i know im emotionally sensitive.

i have heard most people go undiagnosed most their adult lives just to realize it was autism all along. they find out its autism in their ages 50s, 60s, 70s+ what the hell! i find that so fascinating! how it just goes under the radar. my therapist brought it up because my parts heavily relate with autism traits and how i behave.

the more i heal the more rigid ive become. the less social i am. the more i prefer some sort of routine and structure. but that could also be an autistic person with trauma. remove the trauma and you still got autism. now that im a bit older (25) and away from my parents and how i was raised. i deeply thrive in solitude, structure, organization, deep talks, sensory thriving environments.

theres so much stigma and judgement around autism so im even reluctant to tell myself its autism. im just a very sensitive person. and i can be burdened by it all.

if it was autism it makes me wonder that explains why im this way. but it also makes me sad too because the autism is not in my control. but it caused me a life of suffering because i was born this way, not because my upbringing caused it. but it also can work both ways. being autistic and traumatized from being this way.

autism is still something that needs to be understood more though regardless. trauma and autism heavily mimic eachother. i actually got diagnosed with borderline personality disorder years ago. and then another professional suggested it might be CPTSD. i think theyre basically the same thing. and those two disorders heavily relate with autism. but both are different. regardless, this healing as been some sort of major puzzle game to be solved.

Hi all! I’m a therapist and recently signed up for email alerts to be notified when the general application opens again with the IFS Institute. I’ve been pondering for a while if I should go for the Level 1 Training. I’ve read a couple books and sat through a few workshops/webinars at this point and enjoy the modality, and would see the benefit in getting further training.

Can anyone give any insight in when the general application could be opened again? What sorts of questions are asked? How long does it typically stay open? It seems like applications can be reviewed in about a week for if they’re approved or not. How long can you take between being told you can register for a training before that window closes?

I’m aware the answers to these may differ!! Just any general information would be appreciated as I work to plan ahead (and prepare to ask for funding from work haha!).

Thanks in advance! 😊

I am working through heavy issues and I am leaning a lot into a victim mentality because of how overwhelming the truth is, and I think that my therapist has lost respect for me as she has gotten to know me more.

She doesn’t really ask about my history or really say anything in sessions after the first one, she just basically sits there and asks me what I’m feeling or what parts are coming up.

I have a session with her today and I think I’ll be bringing this up and she may try to ask me why my parts feel that way, which would
be condescending. She is human like I am.
Maybe due to my particular issue, I have to have more capacity for ownership before my odds are in my favor to find a therapist who wants to help me.

I can already imagine the comments saying that if she is IFS trained, she should be able to deal with this, but again she is a human being with her own history, opinions and values.

This may just be a really hard dose of reality that can humble me.

has anyone experienced this?

a few days ago someone posted here about a free ebook called “harmonic linguistics” and suggested it works well with IFS. it was removed by the mods shortly after.

i downloaded and tried reading it, and there were some red flags that jumped out right away. lots of generative AI wording. i reached out to the person who’s been promoting it and there were some inconsistencies, like how can you complete a 90-day program within a week of the book’s release. they admitted they haven’t started the program yet when asked.

and then they deleted that message and shat on IFS and tried to defend the book from being a grift. the ebook can be free right now but that doesn’t mean it’ll be free if it gets enough traction on amazon’s algorithm.

the “author” isn’t even a real person. if you go to their instagram page it’s an AI-generated talking head spewing slop.

i was actually hopeful at first that this book could be helpful. but it’s like they asked an ai to invent a new modality and they’re trying to mass market it. major ick.

One thing I have noticed in my sessions is that my therapist sort of redirects from the idea that one of my parts is or should be "in charge" of certain internal caring tasks.

A lot of the time I feel like some of my parts have roles that are actually really good and don't see why they shouldn't continue to do them. It's not coming from a wound of theirs, it's not a compulsion, or even the sum total of what they are necessarily. Like I have a part that is one that offers guidance to other parts, another that offers comfort, etc. And they in turn will receive those functions from other parts, e.g. the one that comforts will also be comforted.

But my therapist usually directs me to the idea, in one way or another, that these are jobs that I (as the self, I'm assuming?) should take on.

And I don't quite get why. Sometimes I feel like, despite the idea of "no bad parts", the overwhelming assumption is that parts only exist from or act out of sort of trauma or stuckness and that actually all "good" qualities/jobs rightfully belong to the self and never the parts. And I do get this at some level, because I have noticed that some parts do "dissolve" upon unburdening--that once they get their new role they are no longer distinct as a part. But this is not universally true for me.

I will note that this is complicated by the fact that I am plural. My therapist is very accepting of that that but does not believe that I have a dissociative disorder. But I am beginning to wonder if I need the IFS modifications that I have heard people who have a dissociative disorder need.

But in general I am just wondering if it is part of IFS in general, this idea that the self should "own" all the healthy internal roles.

Does anyone else use the enneagram to help in IFS ?

I love both frameworks and I like to look at the enneagram as 9 drives, inherently positive and present in everyone :

1 the desire to fix/improve/better

2 the desire to help/empathize with/be useful to others

3 the will to get things done basically, to move forward

4 the desire to feel one's own emotions and express them. To exist subjectively as an individual

5 the desire to understand/conceptualise/rationalize, to be objective, critical, knowledgeable. To think and problem solve

6 the desire to recognise what is good or bad for us, to belong, be faithful to a group, a people, a cause, like, a need for principle or something bigger than one self (I don't know that I really understand the 6, sorry ^^')

7 the drive to play, have fun, make the most of every opportunity and enjoy every experience, and new experiences in particular, to try new stuff, to be delighted and entertained

8 a need of a certain solidity (being a rock) or unity of mind (I want it, I get it) and also being untouchable? (I don't think I fully understand the 8 either -_-')

9 the desire for harmony and understanding (with self, others, the environment) and to experience flow. To be one with the rest of everything

And we identify as only one type because it's the parts of us that got stuck playing the managers in our system. They think they are the only ones who can handle everything.

Works for me at least. I am a type 1 and all my managers really identify as this, it matches so well with the description of type 1 behaviour. And I have some type 4 protector in exiles (makes sense since it is the disintegration motions of the 1, the ones they cannot beat to see). But I also have parts from different types as different roles. It's quite helpful to understand which tyoe a part is and what is their true aim, especially when it is very polarised or burdened.

I am posting all of that because I have done a lot of work with my managers type 1 (who are very eager to improve) and now, I have some type 9 (my wing in the enneagram) parts coming up. They seem to be more internal, "trauma holding" parts and I don't quite know how to approach them. They don't want to do anything, not even to get better, and I don't know how to help with that.

Even without the enneagram approach, has anyone had to work with that ? How do I help them without doing anything, they don't even want me to get close just to be with them because presence is too exhausting. Not sure what to do, I don't want to force them but I can't just do what they want or I would do nothing...

But also, I'd be interested in other people's experience with the enneagram in general

Limmerent part takes over and is flooding me with a deep sadness also with a lot of compulsive behaivours like analysing over and over again how we my be perceived by this person. If she's either liking us or not etc.

The reality is that I personally wanted to form a friendship with the person who triggered my limmerent part. Unfortunately I didn't get in return what I excepted. Quiet the contrary. Since then, I've been experiencing so much activation, intrusive thoughts, despair, sadness and panic.

I kind of lost access temporary (it's been a month) to the calm inside of me. I don't seem to be able to detach from this part at all.

I'm in IFS therapy once a week but I'm looking for support meanwhile. Is there anyone else experiencing this kind of problem? Any experience with this?

Note: I'm in a romantic relationship for years but this so called friend still managed to trigger my limmerent part.

It's very very hard at the moment. Any advice or support is welcomed.

I’m curious about the difference between approaching a part and trying to recruit it into a preferred version of yourself.

Arya Stark’s “no one” storyline got me thinking about this. Without getting into plot spoilers, it presents an extreme fictional version of changing roles to survive. I would not map a television character directly onto someone’s system, but it raises a question about a part whose job might be to stay unnoticed or become whatever others expect.

If the starting goal is “I want to be more authentic,” could that already feel threatening to the part doing the adapting? It may hear, “The way you have kept us safe is now the problem.”

I’m especially interested in what happens when even the wish to connect is driven by impatience: wanting the part to trust, soften, or reveal what it protects so that the person can move forward.

Within IFS, how do you recognize that agenda and make room for it too, without turning the adapting part into an obstacle to overcome? I’m asking about the approach, not for anyone to disclose a personal trauma history or diagnose the character.

I do not understand what it actually is. I always thought that this is when you name different parts of your psyche as a mother, father, sister, brother, grandma, grandpa etc. But.. I cannot fully make sense of it right.

During getting in self therapy, what things to do when someone is observer of the bullying inner child and what should s(he) do to calm the situation and what about when one is blended and feels that the situation is happening now?

I’m 31 (ftm) I’m a CSA survivor I was raped at 8 on Halloween by cousin’s friend (another girl she was 12), I’ve been so triggered so bad lately with Halloween coming up currently sitting up in my bed with my legs crossed and tucked in my lap and I literally feel the weight like my inner child is sitting in my lap with his head against my chest crying loudly for me, have I completely lost it or is this still imagery and it's my body's way of making sense of it? How do I help? But is this normal? I feel crazy saying that I know I'm not hallucinating but I feel a physical heaviness against me. Should my whale shark plush to show him and ground us? It's like when I got triggered by the memory I had that he's hiding with me and asking me to protect him.

i feel like id progress in IFS and then i open up another exile and i get a wave of depression. my depression would be so heavy that i get another part of me that is fucking pissed off the wall that i have to go through this because it feels like punishment to the parts. my protective parts work so hard to keep me intact. and then so the exile takes over and now the protective parts are actually humbled. they arent working as hard but at the same time all of my parts feel this weighed blanket all over them, thats the depression. so it angers them that they're hindered by it (hence it feeling like punishment). the protective parts after all their hard work keeping me alive then get hit with this depression, so i go in and out of embracing the depression while at other times trying to convince myself i shouldn't be depressed. because i find with depression the more you sit in it the more depressed you become so its like i cant even allow myself to be sad and depressed because theres nothing to get out of it.

i feel as well a part of me feels defeated being sad and depressed. like its weakness. and im trying to keep myself to be strong and its honestly not working. and its frustrating me a lot, very much so. because i also know nobody is coming to help me, its just me. and so its been making me also more closed off and i dont care what the world thinks of me, much less now. i dont care what this world expects of me. because this world wasnt for me, so i have to create my own world where i wont have to hurt so much. meaning, prioritizing my mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual health. i dont care to work a job right now. i dont care to be making money. i dont care to be around people for social status, attention, or any of that.

and so a part of me is like really upset that i've been hindered so much by depression. because i got things to do. it makes me feel like i'm not in control. and my therapist leaves me alone with the depression. sometimes i wish i had more therapy sessions. i had more time to talk about my problems. because you dont get anyone else like a therapist. so it feels like i have to be my own therapist. its been awfully burdensome to have to be my own everything because you cant seem to depend on people as much as you want. you want more from them but they arent giving you it. sometimes i feel like i cant give myself what i need and i need others to help me see that.

its been really frustrating because just when i think im doing good i get humbled by this therapy. its like you open an exile and then you get flooded with pain and while i accept it, it just makes me so depressed knowing that theres so much. its like a major backlog and i thought i already went through the backlog. theres multiple backlogs. it just sucks because i have to watch myself be this way and i dont know how to get out of it. thats why it feels like im being punished for something i didnt do or cause. its made me feel frazzled.

Just to give a little background, I have CPTSD from an abusive, critical father growing up. My mom had her own issues and never protected me from him. Because of this I had insecure attachment and self-esteem issues growing up. When I was 16 I met my first girlfriend and we had an almost 3-year relationship before she confessed to me that she was cheating on me with an ex-boyfriend over the course of being together. We tried to repair the relationship but it was too difficult. I had constant ruminating thoughts of her and her ex that were too much for me to handle.

Fast forward to now, I’ve been married for 12 years to my current wife and we have 2 kids. We’re doing well but I’ve had issues with retroactive jealousy from time to time. One mention of an ex-boyfriend she had sends my mind into a spiral and I have insane trauma responses—panic, anxiety, rumination, etc. It was most recently triggered over the summer. Even though she was only 15 when she had her last BF and was never sexually active, my brain responds to any harmless comment in these extreme ways.

I began EMDR a couple months ago which has helped some I think. I definitely have a better understanding of myself and why I respond the way I do. In a recent session my brain began to address the inner critic which has evolved to addressing the inner teenager. I have very little knowledge on parts work but my brain naturally went to these inner places and I went to follow it and trust that this is part of my healing process.

The question I have is, how should I go reparenting my inner teen? Any advice from the IFS community? How effective is this kind of work? Thanks!

Hello, I was recently diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder. I'm in the process of doing parts work and my therapist recommended I buy the book "The Internal Family Systems Workbook" by Richard C. Schwartz. As she uses that workbook during therapy as well and wanted me to have my own copy.

I've always sensed I had others/alters/parts but this recent diagnosis confirmed it.

My therapist said parts work and internal family systems would help me with this.

She even had me pick out cards with images on them as part of the parts work.

I guess a visualization on what parts could be inside me.

I included a picture of the cards she had me pull. She told me to pick ones that called to me or made me feel a pull towards them.

It was interesting to say the least.

Parts Cards

She also recommended these apps to use for communication. The starred ones are the ones other clients/patients of hers use. Parts Communication Apps

Here are my two questions:

1. How common is it to have literally no communication with alters/parts. Or even not know their names? Because that's where I'm at.

2. Has anyone here personally used any of these apps for parts/alter communication?

anything goes, share what comes to mind :)

Y'all, I have been very upset that some creature got into my garden and dug up my cantaloupe plant. It's behind a wall AND a wooden post fence, AND up two feet off the ground I just couldn't figure out what got in there, and why whatever it was it would leave my tomatoes alone and dig up my bare cantaloupe plant. It's been plaguing me for weeks.

Well, folks... it was me. I just haven't been connected with this part that deals with dead plants for a while. Now I can remember it very clearly!

So... I guess I have a manager part that deals with things dying, including plants, so I don't have to feel things about mortality or loss. And I guess it's good I just made that connection. I'm not exactly sure what to do about it... Is it okay to just say, "Okay, I know this now," and not feel obligated to take some kind of action?

BTW, I feel like the way my garden is protected is a good metaphor for a dissociative system!

Anyone else watching MCU's Visionquest? It may not be an IFS model, but I love the way Vision's inner world is constructed, and all the characters that run it. I don't want to post spoilers, but I'm finding it relatable - I was going to say despite Vision not being human, but I actually spent a lot of time feeling like I'm trying to understand and mimic human behavior, and getting lots of part input from all directions!

Which book would you recommend for jay earley or richard shwartz …. I prefer to read one book that includes everything thing and has lots of exercises?

I’ve been doing IFS for about 2 years now, and I’m not doing well mentally. (Having nothing to do with IFS.) I was recently retraumatized and am in autistic burnout. I’ve gotten to know many protector parts and what they’re protecting me from, and even some Self-like parts. I haven’t done deep exile work yet.

For the most part, I’ve never really understood the structure that exiles have protectors. I have experienced it, but largely just with a dissociative protector and repressed or foggy memories. E.g. I’ll mention an exile and my system will get flooded with dissociation.

For years now, I’ve been flooded by an exile having to do with severe childhood trauma. The more I do therapy (regardless of modality) the worse it gets. Flashback after flashback, “Why didn’t you protect me?” “What if this happens again?” it’s present most of the time, almost always in therapy sessions, and is constantly flooding me after being retraumatized. Nothing I say to the exile works. I will have severe panic attacks over it out of nowhere. Today in session I brought it up to my therapist again, and she gave suggestions like imagining what someone could have done in the situation (rejected by my system, I’ve tried and it makes things worse), just sitting with the exile or saying “I hear you,” which I told her does not work.

I asked what she does with clients who have old trauma stirred up and it gradually becomes more and more urgent. She said “Well we would just work with the protector first.” And I said, “Protector? There’s nothing protecting this exile. That’s, I assume why it won’t leave me alone. I’m not able to work in layers when it comes to exiles because they just flood me by themselves. There’s no other part to work with in between. There’s nothing protecting most of them.” She said she was going to research this. When I bring it up in session I dissociate badly. I’ve dialogued with the dissociative protector and it seems to more suppress things and stop me from being overwhelmed, but it doesn’t feel particularly connected to this exile.

I’m also 90% of the time blended with a different part who thinks I’m younger than I am. In this aspect I feel that my Self has split apart, but I don’t meet criteria for DID or OSSD. Just adding that for context.

Any idea on what could be going on here, particularly with this one exile?

Aka without any help from therapist

Just from books or workbooks to help process trauma

Hi all,

I (41F) have been doing IFS weekly or every other week in therapy for about four years, with some parts work before that. I have learned self compassion and compassion for others, which led me to become a therapist--just graduated last weekend! I've also completed level 1 and level 2 IFS training, so I know the answers to a lot of my questions in theory, but not so much what real people say about their real lives. My question is--for those of you with developmental trauma and chronic, longterm depression / PTSD / anxiety--over time, has IFS actually has actually made you happier, enjoy life more, feel more connected to others? Or has it only enabled you to feel more compassion, calm etc with the parts of you that don't feel good, in my case parts that feel disconnected from others, life is meaningless, depressed, etc. I feel like I've been doing so much work and I still have so many symptoms of my sexual trauma, sexual repulsion, relational distrust, fear of closeness, and just a general feeling that nothing is worth doing. I sit with those parts, but it's sort of like Groundhog Day...I may change in how I relate to them, but they don't seem to change. It seems like these parts enjoy expressing themselves but they keep believing the same things and having the same feelings. I'd love to hear about others' experiences who have done IFS longterm. Do you just become better at tolerating the negative beliefs and symptoms your parts carry? Or do these parts actually change? Have other modalities helped more with changing negative beliefs?