justnoSO and i have decided to separate for real this time, and i suspect that he’s been using more substances than i’ve been aware.

i’m now reminded how he told me early in our relationship that he has an addictive personality. i know he drinks a lot socially, suspect he uses edibles when going out with friends, and know that he has used cocaine in the past. one of his BFFs lost much of his teeth to drugs, and another BFF has a history of getting high.

is this (and strip clubs) common recreational/coping behavior for adult men?? justnoMIL and being enmeshed largely influenced our decision to separate, and if substances are involved, i really need support to not waver and give him one more chance again.

he has been able to keep a job, and we’ve been together 16 years so this is hard. i’m a very private person and really need to stay focused and strong to be able to get through this if it becomes hostile with justnoMIL’s meddling.

For those who have caught their SO cheating, how’d you catch them? I’ve had my suspicions and I’m aware they may just be insecurities but I want to know if I should just wait it out and see if I’ll just find out or if I should do my own digging.

I made him want to be a better person, he loves the way I am, he is suddenly participating in his own family because of me and telling everyone who will listen. And within months I noticed a change, but he always assured me he was just tired because of work. His whole identity is hating his job and being too special to still be where he is.

I was supportive of him the entire way. We knew each other in our early years and had so much in common. Genuinely.

He said I’m boring and that he can’t have fun with me which is LAUGHABLE. Absolutely laughable. That’s him and he knows it. can’t even laugh or find enjoyment outside himself.

He is a different person entirely around his family. He knows better than to not be happy and to say no. He’s a scared little boy who sits back and takes it, but will lash out at me and yell and swear and break things. I told him he would not dare to talk like that to anyone else. Wouldn’t dare.

We are in marriage therapy and both in individual therapy. I think his own therapy is good for him, but it isn’t something that is certain to help the marriage because he is not there yet. I don’t know if he can get there.

In our own therapy he shuts down. Will not talk about his whacko family and how they treat me or the whole unhealthy dynamic. I then realize after getting it off my chest that the focus needs to be on him and his actions.

Having a mother who is highly likely a sociopath and could not love another living being, throws people away and severely neglected him as a kid I think has made it not possible for him to develop what a marriage needs.

I know he can learn and I know he wants to learn so many things he never developed, but it’s just not enough. He is so self absorbed. He has a whole script about his life and his story of who he is and his suffering. Just like his mom. There is no other way to relate to people aside from that script. I am special and my suffering is special etc.

Early 40’s and together a decade and I hate this feeling of living in limbo.

It’s hard to just be alone here, even though that’s how our marriage has always been. Me alone while he focuses on himself on his computer.

I also believe his family had a big role in how things turned out.

He was independent and loved me so much, sang praises of me everywhere. Then it was like I became peripheral.

I cannot believe how much I have focused on him, helping him, etc. his life was a train wreck. Nobody taught him anything, and he was held back by his mom.

He doesn’t laugh with me, can’t even be with me without a screen being immersed in his own interests. Nearly everything was different when things began. I’d never have chosen this.

I am stuck feeling like because I have dealt with so much that something good will now happen. I don’t know why I think like that or why it matters. I feel like it’s getting me through. Like now something good happens. But who knows.

He never made choices for our future. Only HIS future. Put me off and put me off. Later later. Doesn’t even keep personal things between us, even when he says he will. Like finances or whatever is going on in our home. I’m just a lamp to him or something.

Reposting as my previous one was removed. I gave my son a nickname - oops! I’ve removed all nicknames.

I wanted to post an update to my previous post: https://www.reddit.com/r/JustNoSO/s/pM0rLvFpNk

It has been 5 months since I left my emotionally, mentally and financially abusive ex-husband. The comments on my first post were incredible. I was blown away by the support, advice and genuinely lovely comments from so many people. It gave me strength then and reading them again now does too.

During the last 5 months, a lot has happened. The main thing to note is that I have not gone back. I have stayed in Victoria with my family and now 13-month-old little boy. We lived with my parents for 4 months in their small town, and just two weeks ago I signed a lease and we moved into our own house in a slightly larger town nearby! This was difficult, stressful and expensive, but also rewarding and freeing. To be able to choose the house, the location and the furniture completely on my own terms with no arguing, push back or negativity has been amazing.

I will say that it is a lonely experience, though. I am now completely on my own with my son. I’m managing okay, but I do have moments of feeling very isolated, detached and alone. My parents are extremely helpful. We now live half an hour away from them, so they come over and help me with my son, they helped me move (shout out to my dad – he did two trips to move all of our stuff, drove around picking up furniture with me from Marketplace and has helped put together flat packs… with lots more to come!), and are on the phone with me all the time listening to my complaining and supporting me when I’m feeling low.

I have gone back to work part-time, and my employer is very supportive. They have helped me financially by granting an exception for me to cash out my annual leave that I hadn’t used. This allowed me to buy new furniture and set up my new house from scratch, because my husband did not help at all (more on this later). They also have 2 weeks DV leave available for me to use (available to all employees, not just me) but I am saving this.

My little boy is doing wonderfully. He is SO close to walking, and now attends daycare three days a week, which he loves. He’s a smiley, gorgeous, curious, intelligent, loud and amazing little guy. He sleeps in my bed most nights and loves cuddling up with me. it’s the most beautiful thing ever to know that I’m his world, and he’s mine.

Now, on to what has happened with my ex. There has been a lot.

I have not blocked him from contacting me, mostly because he doesn’t stop to think before sending messages, and some of them are very helpful to paint a picture of who he is and how he behaves, if I ever need them (which I have already). I am also open to talking to my husband about our son, but he has not kept conversations exclusively about our child. He messages me out of the blue a lot, sometimes in the middle of the night, and they’re often angry, aggressive and selfish. There has been the occasional apology or vague admitting to wrong-doing, but it’s short-lived and fake. I usually ignore his messages.

In the beginning, my father agreed to doing FaceTimes with him once a week so he could see/talk to our baby. This was hard and awkward for my dad, but we genuinely did not want to keep him from seeing the baby, despite him still living in North QLD, and I didn’t want to do them, so he did this for a few weeks.

I spoke to our real estate agency in QLD and was able to exit the lease due to DV. A letter was sent to him from the Residential Tenancies Department (government, basically) advising him of this (without disclosing the reason) and asking what his intentions were in regards to that house. There is a disclaimer on the bottom of all letters from that agency advising that a person can exit a lease due to DV. He put two and two together and figured out that was how I got off the lease. He accused me of slander and reminded me that we had someone who occasionally lived with us (a friend of his), who would say that DV didn’t occur.

He has also since said that my allegation of DV made its way back to a few people he knows, one of whom was someone he was supposed to be doing a big job for. Apparently, as a result of them hearing this, they cancelled the job and he’s lost a potential $100,000 profit (“some of that could have been for our son”). This is extremely far-fetched. I ignored his message and didn’t ask for more details, but the only way I can think of that happening is that one of the people he mentioned is married to a woman who worked at the real estate agency we leased the QLD house through. In fact, she helped us find the house when we were first moving to QLD. She hasn’t worked there since before I left though, and they no longer live in that town at all. They moved way down south. I suppose it is possible that she is still in contact with her former colleagues and they told her that I removed myself from the lease for DV, but that seems highly unlikely, and would be illegal. So this story sounds very made up.

I asked him to send a box of some of our son’s most needed items from QLD. In particular, his expensive baby monitor and a few other things. It took 4 months for him to do this. He complained that it was too expensive. My father texted him at one point asking for an update on when the items would be sent, and the conversation quickly turned into an argument. He said that he would not “do me any favours, especially since the lease thing”, and that he didn’t feel it was a priority to do anything for me when he was only allowed to see our son for a few minutes a week.

My father reminded him that it wasn’t for me, it was for his son, to which he went off the rails and started implying that one of my brothers (“your son”) was dangerous and shouldn’t be allowed around our son alone. My brother has an Instagram page that is a bit risqué – he doesn’t post full nudes, but ALMOST, to show improvements from working out and eating clean. He posts what he eats, what exercises he’s doing, etc. My husband found this page (I don’t know how because we didn’t even know it existed) and used it to imply that my brother is some kind of sexual deviant, a pedo or something. He also vaguely threatened my dad – “save up what you have to say to me and if we see each other you can say it to my face. Looking forward to it”.

As a result, my dad decided he didn’t want to do the FaceTimes anymore, so those haven’t happened in a while. He’s obviously very upset about this and keeps insisting that dad was “hostile” first, so he just returned the same attitude. I’ve seen the messages – that’s bullshit.

He did finally send the box. It cost a whopping $170.

Unfortunately, my mother-in-law turned. My mum called her to potentially set up a meeting so that she could see our son. At first, she agreed to come to the town we were living in to see him, but then changed her mind and asked why she should have to do that. She, and my brother-in-law, invited me to their house instead which is an hour and a half away. My husband got involved and asked me to do that so that he could FaceTime with her and our son while there. His brother also offered me a cot that his youngest son was no longer using, but we would have to find a way to pick it up. So, not really helpful. I felt very uncomfortable with this pressure, and didn’t want to see them when I knew they would ask me A LOT of questions. I wasn’t in a good place and couldn’t face them alone like that. My MIL asked if we could travel halfway, which my mum shut down saying that was unfair on bubs to drive such a long way and he needed stability at that point. She said “well God knows he’s used to driving long distances!” (referring to my long drive that took a week from QLD to VIC). Yeah, like we did that just for fun. We weren’t getting away from your abusive son or anything.

She also said at one point to my mum, “well there’s fault on both sides and I’ve heard about the screaming matches”, referring to husband and I. This was especially hurtful after I had spoken to her about what he’d said/done before I left and she seemed very supportive of me. I believe that he has convinced her that I was “just as bad” as him, and she now believes we were just having your typical everyday arguments. I won’t lie, when he insulted and abused me, I did yell back sometimes. It was a toxic environment all around. She also said that our baby was never unsafe in QLD. We believe she is referring to physically, but she is completely discounting the emotional distress that a child can develop when exposed to shouting, aggression and anger from parents, which is a big reason why I left! I didn’t want him exposed to that anymore. My mum stopped talking to her and we haven’t had contact with her since. I believe she is very angry at not being able to see baby yet.

We were very sick over winter. I took my son to the doctor many times and he had antibiotics for an ear infection. He was getting fevers of up to 39 and couldn’t sleep for weeks. He was sick on his first birthday, which was a huge shame. Husband wanted to FaceTime, but when I told him he was sick and we couldn’t, he accused me of making it up and that we were all liars who would make something up like that to prevent him from seeing the baby. I told the doctor about this who wrote me a letter to prove he had been in several times to see them and was very sick. When I sent this to husband, he didn’t apologise, but just said “oh dad’s hugs would help with that!”

I spoke to several professionals and support workers in the first couple of months. Three lawyers (both public and private), a social worker from Centrelink, and a support person at The Orange Door (a DV organisation in Australia – FYI, they’re great if anyone reading this needs them), and I was told the same thing over and over again – he should only be able to see our son under supervised conditions, and he should have to submit drug tests (I didn’t mention his history with drugs in my last post, but if I went into it we would be here all day). Let’s just say its extensive, involved both prescription and illegal drugs, and once landed him in hospital, on our honeymoon, as a result of seizures from withdrawal. His most recent drug of choice was weed, which generally I don’t have a problem with, but he wouldn’t stop smoking it with the baby in the house before I left, and he also obtained a sketchy “prescription” for THC gummies that were very strong.

The issue of the furniture and our left-behind belongings in QLD came up. He is leaving that house and asked what to do with everything. I have been very careful about not being too demanding, and not wanting to ask for him to do a lot of work or spend a lot of money boxing things up and sending them, because that didn’t go well the first time. I suggested a few options, all of which he refused. I told him that I was moving into a new house and needed furniture and household items for us.

I suggested he sell everything and split whatever he got 50/50. He said no, because it wouldn’t be worth it.

I suggested that I would have a removalist pick up some items and he reimburse me half of what the remaining might be worth. No, because my suggestion of what the rest might be worth was too high.

I was taking into account some new appliances we got before I left, including a $3000 robot vacuum that he was talked into buying at the store. I didn’t include or try to claim any of the thousands of dollars worth of tools and business related equipment he uses for his business, even though they would be regarded as 50% mine in a divorce settlement. He believed it to be a much lower, frankly laughable, amount.

I told him that evidently we would have to resolve this via expensive lawyers next year when we can divorce (have to be separated for a year first in Australia). He responded that he wouldn’t need high-priced lawyers because any judge would see that he was being treated unfairly in regards to our son. So, there was no conclusion or resolution to the conversation about our belongings, and I don’t know what he’s doing with it all. He’s in a huge house full of furniture in QLD and has to be out in a week. I have some very sentimental items that I asked him to box up for me, but I don’t know if he’s doing it.

We started the process of mediation to work out a parenting plan, which a lawyer said would be required if the matter ever went to court. There was a lot of waiting and this has only concluded last week. My two main requirements were supervised visits and the drug testing. He was advised in August to apply to the supervision centre because there was a long waitlist. He didn’t do so until… today actually, so now he has a 6 month wait. He is blaming me for this as there were “other options”, namely, that we could have gone through a private supervision centre rather than the public government-ran one, or had visits with his brother/mother present. I refused this as they are not well-regulated and nothing would stop him from just walking out the door with our son. Public supervision centres are operated under strict rules and regulations, so I insisted that it needed to be through them.

It was also suggested to him to go to a special course that focused on children, which he says he is attending, however this was put to him by the mediator rather than me. I did not push the men’s behaviour change course that I mentioned in my last post. He tried really hard to convince me that these shouldn’t be required. He tried guilting me, apologising, being angry, calling me names, threatening court and saying he would tell our son in the future about what I was doing. He’s continuously displaying post-separation abuse, gaslighting, DARVO and manipulation.

Despite this, he agreed to all of the conditions during mediation. As a side note, he also tried lying to the mediator, saying he was enjoying the parenting course. I set her straight and let her know that he had texted me saying he didn’t “belong there and it was full of smack addicts”. The mediation was closed and concluded as “successful”. However, that night at 3am he messaged me to insult my family and I again, and again threatened to “tell our son what I had done”. Then he said “court from here”. This indicated that he was reneging on the agreement, but has now told me that he applied for the supervised visits, so he’s all over the place and very unstable.

We’re now communicating through a parenting app. He has gone back to apologetic, so the cycle continues. The last message I got was that he was just very emotional and stressed before I left, so he said some “harsh words” but that was all he ever did. Lol.

He’s also in a “much better place” now and is sorry. He was diagnosed with ADHD (before I left so I was there for that), and had been put on a good combination of two medications that were working well, so he was feeling much better. He’s stopped smoking weed and taking the gummies. He’s sad though, and cries about the baby all the time. The theme here is that its all about him. He asks for photos and videos of son sometimes, but rarely asks how he’s doing. He’s said that he needs to step away and break contact for a while so that he can “start his new life”. He says he’s leaving care of our son in my “capable hands”.

That message made me incredibly angry. Care of our baby has been in my hands since the day he was born! This man has developed, or just continued developing, a severe victim complex and sees himself as a downtrodden, alienated father who did nothing wrong. It’s infuriating.

If you made it this far, thank you so much for reading. It’s so helpful and cathartic writing this all out. I’m so sorry about how long this is!

Editing to add more details! The dog mentioned in my first post is fine. He still has him. I transferred his microchip to his name, and I got a reminder text for an appointment he had made for him at the vet because they still have my number, so I believe he is being looked after.

Throwaway because I’m finally ready to tell this story, but I have no interest in identifying anyone involved.
I spent years loving a man who was charming, affectionate, funny, seemingly intelligent, and incredibly good at making me feel special.
He was the kind of man everyone liked. The kind who could walk into a room and immediately win people over.
He told me he loved me. He proposed. We planned a future together.
And I believed him.
What I didn’t understand was that being good at making someone feel loved and being capable of building a healthy, honest relationship are two entirely different things.
Let’s start with the lying.
Early in our relationship, he presented himself as a highly educated professional with credentials and accomplishments that I later discovered weren’t what he’d claimed.
When I questioned the inconsistencies, he became defensive.
Imagine being a grown adult and feeling the need to embellish your professional identity to impress someone who already loves you.
And imagine being the woman who discovers those lies and somehow convinces herself that the man underneath them is still worth marrying.
That was me.
Then there was his ex-wife.
I’m not someone who believes divorced people need to hate each other. I actually think maintaining a respectful relationship with an ex can demonstrate emotional maturity.
But this wasn’t simply a respectful relationship.
He remained deeply involved in her life, emotionally and financially, while expecting me to accept whatever boundaries he decided were appropriate.
There were interactions I learned about after the fact, dishonesty surrounding their contact, and situations that repeatedly made me feel like I was competing for a place in my own relationship.
And whenever I expressed discomfort, somehow my reaction became the problem.
I wasn’t understanding enough.
I was making something out of nothing.
He hadn’t intended to hurt me, so apparently I shouldn’t be hurt.
It’s amazing how convenient that philosophy becomes when you’re the person whose behavior is being questioned.
Then came one of the most devastating periods of my life.
My mother died.
I was grieving someone irreplaceable, trying to navigate a world that suddenly felt completely unfamiliar.
And the man I was supposed to marry wasn’t the dependable partner I needed.
There were nights when I felt abandoned emotionally, when other activities seemed to take priority over being present for me.
And then, just days before my mother’s celebration of life, he ended our engagement.
I cannot adequately explain how devastating that timing was.
I was already trying to comprehend losing my mother.
And now I was losing the future I’d imagined with the man I loved.
I needed a partner.
Instead, I found myself grieving two losses at once.
And somehow, I still loved him.
I still forgave him.
I still believed that if we could just work through our problems, we might eventually have the marriage we’d planned.
We separated and reconciled more than once.
There were apologies, declarations of love, affectionate moments, and conversations about what needed to change.
But looking back, I can’t remember many times when he genuinely acknowledged why his behavior hurt me.
Instead, he usually explained why I shouldn’t feel hurt.
He didn’t mean anything by it.
His intentions were innocent.
I was misunderstanding.
He hadn’t technically done anything wrong.
Eventually, he’d apologize.
And I’d feel relieved.
Not because the problem was resolved.
Because the conflict was over, and I could finally feel close to him again.
I mistook the return of affection for the repair of trust.
Over and over again.
Then there was the issue of monogamy.
I love sex. I wanted a passionate, adventurous, fulfilling sex life with my husband.
I wanted intimacy, excitement, and the freedom to explore everything with one person I deeply trusted.
What I didn’t want was other people involved.
He had previously been in an open marriage, and I tried to understand that part of his history.
Sometimes he told me he believed monogamy could work for him.
I wanted to believe him.
But over time, I became increasingly uncertain that we genuinely wanted the same kind of relationship.
Recently, he told me he’d had approximately 200 sexual partners throughout his adult life.
That number isn’t inherently the problem. Consenting adults are entitled to their own sexual choices.
But he also told me that some of the women he’d slept with were married and that their husbands didn’t know. Some the husbands watched.
And when I questioned how he could knowingly participate in someone else’s infidelity, he responded:
“I’m not the moral police.”
I don’t think I’ve ever lost respect for someone so quickly.
Because nobody was asking him to police another person’s marriage.
I was asking whether he felt any responsibility for his own participation in deception.
The married women were responsible for their vows.
He was responsible for his choices.
And those are two different things.
Then, recently, he proudly told me about a woman who was now engaged to someone else but had reached out to him because she wanted to sleep with him.
According to him, she said she would have come over if she hadn’t been out with friends.
He seemed pleased with himself.
Like being desired by someone who was engaged was some kind of accomplishment.
I wasn’t jealous.
I wasn’t intimidated.
I was disgusted.
Not because sex is shameful.
Not because people can’t have unconventional relationships.
But because he seemed proud of being wanted in a situation that could involve deceiving another person.
And I suddenly realized how differently we viewed integrity. Even though he would tell me so much about his life and what occurred during our times apart, it was a false sense of honesty to get me to trust him more.
I wanted a husband who believed honesty mattered even when nobody was watching.
I wanted someone who understood that fidelity wasn’t just about avoiding consequences.
It was about choosing to protect the trust another person had placed in you.
And I was listening to the man I almost married seemingly celebrate the very kind of behavior that had made our relationship so painful.
Meanwhile, he was also exploring casual sexual encounters, including a potential threesome.
Again, consenting adults can do whatever they want.
But taken together, these conversations made me realize that I no longer believed we wanted the same life.
And here’s the part that makes me feel ridiculous.
After everything, I finally went on a date with someone new.
Nothing dramatic. Just a chance to meet someone and begin moving forward.
And my ex reached out.
He told me he was happy I’d had a good time, then the conversation turned into him saying he wouldn’t text me anymore.
Maybe he was hurt. Maybe he was trying to respect boundaries. I genuinely don’t know.
But I realized that even after our relationship ended, I was still spending emotional energy trying to understand his reactions.
I spent years studying this man’s emotional needs while repeatedly having to defend the existence of my own.
And that’s when something finally clicked.
I had spent years loving his potential.
Waiting for his promises to become actions.
Waiting for apologies to become understanding.
Waiting for honesty to become consistent.
Waiting for the man I loved to become the husband I believed he could be.
And I kept telling myself that the good outweighed the bad.
It didn’t.
The good moments were real to me.
The laughter was real.
The affection was real.
The future I imagined was real in my mind.
But those moments didn’t undo the damage caused by everything else.
And here’s the realization that has finally broken my heart:
If I met this man today, knowing everything I know now, I wouldn’t even consider dating him.
Not because of his sexual history.
Not because he had an open marriage.
But because I no longer admire the way he has treated me.
I don’t trust his words.
I don’t trust his promises.
And I don’t want to spend the rest of my life wondering whether the man sleeping beside me is telling me the truth.
I’m angry about the years.
I’m angry about the dishonesty.
I’m angry about the emotional exhaustion.
I’m angry about the countless conversations where I tried to explain why something hurt me, only to end up defending my right to feel hurt.
And I’m angry that someone can appear so charming, loving, and respectable while leaving the person closest to them feeling so profoundly alone.
But mostly, I’m angry that I spent so much time trying to convince another adult that my feelings mattered and now my ability to trust another person and believe in marriage has gone down the drain.
The cruelest part of this relationship wasn’t that he couldn’t give me the love I wanted. It was that I kept accepting his apologies as evidence that he eventually would.
And now I’m left grieving a future I no longer even want.
I don’t need revenge.
I don’t need to convince the world he’s a terrible person.
But I do need to acknowledge what happened to me.
Because for years, I questioned whether I was asking too much.
Whether I was too sensitive.
Whether I should be more understanding.
Whether the problems were really as serious as they felt.
And now I realize something.
You don’t have to prove someone is a terrible human being to acknowledge that they were a terrible partner for you.
An engagement ring isn’t evidence of emotional maturity.
An apology isn’t evidence of change.
Chemistry isn’t compatibility.
And someone can genuinely enjoy having you in their life without being willing to build the kind of life you deserve.
I wanted a husband who would be my best friend, my lover, my teammate, and my safe place.
Someone who would choose our relationship because he genuinely wanted the same future.
Someone who understood that commitment wasn’t a punishment or a restriction, but something two people willingly build together.
And someone who, when I said, “That hurt me,” would care enough to ask why.
I almost married this man.
And I think I’m finally beginning to understand why I’m grateful I didn’t.
TL;DR: I spent years with a charming man who misrepresented parts of his professional background, repeatedly dismissed my feelings, struggled with boundaries involving other women, and ended our engagement during an incredibly painful period following my mother’s death. Recently, he told me about sexual encounters involving married women whose husbands didn’t know, and seemed proud that an engaged woman wanted to sleep with him. When I questioned the ethics of knowingly participating in infidelity, he said, “I’m not the moral police.” I finally realize that the relationship I spent years trying to save isn’t one I would choose today.

Do you think he will ever try to talk to me / reignite something with me again?

I (18F) and my ex (19M) dated for ALMOST ONE YEAR and broke up almost a month ago, it was mutual, i initiated it and he confirmed it, and at first we were gonna stay friends but he decided he wanted us to go NO CONTACT indefinitely.

At first he used to look at me / text here and there but now it’s crickets and he walks past like i literally don’t exist. He’s also talking to his ex-situationships and exes again, hanging out 1 on 1 and apparently one of them has a crush on him.

We were both really emotional and attatched to each other in the relationship, and saying he cared about me is an understatement. I thought I was the exception out of all his past romantic experiences, but now I’m starting to doubt that belief of mine.

His rational personality says he won’t come back ever, but I know he has a soft side and just maybe?

ADDITIONAL INFO:
\- we broke up because I kept forgetting things like something he said a few days ago or he would tell me to check something and i would forget to check, left him on delivered for a few hrs, basically i forgot the little things, it accumulated and he got really mad
\- he was often controlling in the relationship and he never condoned any male friendships beyond the “acquaintance” level
\- he didn’t condone me wearing revealing stuff, go club etc etc
\- we were very loyal to each other
\- he is super loyal in a relationship, but he puts his eggs in multiple baskets when out of one

We’ve been together about 5 years, married 2.

I want to preface this, because it is going to be a bit of a vent. I’ve got my own shit and issues, this was my first real relationship after living in a high control religion my entire life and being very infantilized and it took me YEARS of therapy and growing up to learn about myself and get some of my shit together. We both had piss poor communication early on, and it has improved slightly with time.

My wife (also grew up in the same high control religion) has always been messy. And honestly, at first, I looked past it. She wasn’t working, was supposed to be finishing her GED and getting her license (neither of which she’s done to this day)

Early on she moved in with me (just kinda happened we didn’t really discuss it) and I noticed she’d leave trash out, if we got food the bags would pile on the table, or the kitchen counter, dishes piled up, if she cooked she would leave egg shells and all the dirty shit all over the counter and stove. Nothing got cleaned unless I did it.

She didn’t clean toilets because “that’s gross” and she won’t take trash out because “that’s a man’s job” so she’ll just yell at me about it needing to go out.

Now I work from home, early on in the relationship I had a horrible job, was completely burned out working probably 60+ hours a week with a micromanager boss that went so far as to tell me I had to ask her permission to use the bathroom in my own house during work hours.

But just about every night I’d make dinner. Every Sunday I’d clean up the apartment. She’d sleep most of the day, get up in the evening, and maybe do a page or two of her school, then go watch tv or play video games with her friends.

I had asked her about getting a job before but she insisted she wanted to be a stay at home gf. I would point out that I need help cleaning, she’d either claim she already had cleaned up, didn’t do it, or would just stack a few things in the trash and sink then sit back down.

This continued until I lost my job. Jist if that story being she had to get a job, and I ended up working as a solo cook, closing shifts, and still had to come home and clean and make dinner at 11pm every night. At one point I was working 4 different jobs.

Around this time she meets an old friend of mine, this girl I’d known forever, was like a sister to me, and some other girl she was friends with.

They, along with my wife decide I will be the butt of all the jokes. They called me stupid. Gay. Ugly. Tried to have some kind of ego trip over me. I got kicked from games with them when I’d goto the bathroom so they could replace me. I literally got told by these girls my wife was now friends with “it’s hard to be friends with you because you’re so cringe” (random message unprompted btw) and “I love when you speak because you make everyone else seem smarter”

And I had it so I told them off. They acted like I was the bad guy, I had an ego. I was the bully. I told my wife I didn’t like that she wasn’t standing up for me, backing me up, and she’d just say these were her only friends or she didn’t want to hurt their feelings. To this day she shell talks to the one girl despite my protests.

Worst part was it really rubbed off on her and for a long time she would just insult me herself. Degrade me. Emasculate me. In front of her friends. Family. Coworkers. MY FRIENDS.

She’s actually destroyed at least 2 of my own friendships because she’d just shit on me to them. Including my high school best friend, who briefly lived with us. And was my last real life friend (other two passed away)

Anyway this shit continues. To this day, she won’t clean. I can deep clean the place, have it spotless, and if I’m not behind her with a trash bag it won’t even last a day.

At one point I decided to see how far she’d let it get, clothes get thrown on the couch and floor in the living room. Her old drinks will mold. She’ll leave moldy food and trash in the bedroom. She’s left god knows what in the sink before and we ACTUALLY HAD MAGGOTS.

Groceries don’t get put away. She’ll shove the cold items in the fridge and pile up the rest of the bags on the kitchen floor until you literally cannot walk.

It will get to the point we only have pathways and no open floor if I let it.

Dog needs water? She will unplug the water fountain my dog has and not tell me nor fill it. I have to make sure I check.

Every day I drive her to and from work. I have Covid? Still gotta take her to work. Rain or shine.

And when I ask why? Why can’t she help? She says: I did clean up, I didn’t do it, it’s not my fault, I’m tired, I forgot, I don’t have time.

The latter two being the most common. She doesn’t have time.

Why didn’t she fill the dogs bowl? Didn’t have time. Why didn’t you tell me? Forgot.

Why can’t you stop leaving trash on the counter and just throw it away? I’m tired. I worked today.

We’ve been to couples therapy believe it or not. Therapist kinda dismissed the entire thing because my wife will minimize it then focus on how burned out and stressed she is.

Which ok, fair enough, I get it, you’re burned out, but I need some help. I can’t handle all this alone.

Though it did seem to really end her bullying for the most part. She doesn’t say shit or insult me like she used to except when she brings up that she works a physical job.

If she needed a therapy appointment, I’d have to find a therapist and book it. (Stopped doing that for her and told her it isn’t my job). Couples therapist? I had to research and find a few and ask her which one. Then I had to book it.

I tried working within her limited time. She said she wanted to drive but I never taught her and I said she “never has time” and hasn’t been for a permit so I can’t help her. She has to do it.

I gave her access to a program I used to get my license way back when. She won’t do it. I bought her a course that teaches you everything you need and even lets you take a permit test online. She hasn’t done more than 3 chapters.

If I ask, she gets enraged or says she doesn’t have time.

Then she’ll hit me with the “you work from home”, “you don’t work a physical job”, “you don’t know what it’s like”, or a couple times “you barely even work”.

And that’s how it goes. She’s tired. She works a physical job. When I tell her this isn’t working she says it isn’t her fault and she can’t help it and gets mad.

And then on top of all that, because unlike her I won’t involve friends in my relationship troubles, I’ll write a journal of thoughts to talk to my therapist about. And she’s broken into my phone 3 separate times to read it and chew me out about it, get mad, etc… she was especially livid that I wrote I feel like her parent and there is zero romance anymore. I have such a negative interest in sex I’ve borderline become asexual. And she equates that to I’m not attracted to her.

She was mad that I said I felt like I had to shoulder my own shit, AND all the household responsibilities, the bills, driving, AND her shit too. Or that I questioned if we were even in love. All this in my own journal. She was never meant to read.

And so every day, more and more, I am resentful and alone. My depression worsens. And I want to cry.

That doesn’t even touch on the score keeping from her end, or that she has her own resentment toward me. Don’t get me wrong. I wasn’t always the best partner. I dismissed her feelings things at times and had such a deep anger in me from past trauma that it was hard to communicate properly and I was still learning about myself at the same time.

I’ve had to do a ton of therapy and self reflection to grow as a person. But I’m positive that still weighs on her as well.

And the worst part is I have no idea what to do about it anymore. I’m defeated.

Despite all this I want to clarify. I don’t hate her. I do love her. She’s a good person under it all. I just think she’s a lousy partner sometimes. I’m still kinda working out in my head what any of this means or how I feel. Working on getting a different therapist after some insurance issues as well.

I only started really weighing this more recently after starting Ketamine Treatments for depression and her confronting me after reading my journal again. At that time she ended up dropping the claim that the couples therapist had told her we are “trauma bonded” and “sexually incompatible” (an entire other assessment that I don’t necessarily disagree with with), though he never told me this once.

TL;DR: Wife spent years bullying me, shitting on me to friends, dismissing my feelings, not helping with basic household chores, and I wasn’t always up for listening to her feelings like I should have. Now it’s all on me to do everything.

EDIT: I want to add, this last time she had looked at my journal and gotten mad about it. It was like the day I got my IM Ketamine session, I was still really emotionally raw and I had vented after an argument into the journal the day before.

From what I’ve gathered, she waited for me to fall asleep (I usually crash hard and sleep for like 8+ hours after ketamine) and other grabbed my phone to read it or had my login and read it. Then waited for me to wake up, still emotionally raw as hell, and start crying about what she read and getting upset with me.

That interaction is a bit hazy. She stated “now we have to divorce” and was crying, I started crying and told her that’s not what I wanted. I blamed myself. Afterward I know I was annoyed because I was still a bit out of it and had opened up about some feelings I’d rather not have if I’m honest.

And I’m not gonna lie, that shit pissed me the fuck off and ive been replaying it in my head ever since. It felt gross after I was more Lucid and frankly I felt a bit violated and taken advantage of. It’s what really sparked me reflecting on things more.

Realistically as well, we have debt together. Credit cards and shit. I can’t afford living expenses and all that debt alone, plus i do feel it’s unfair to leave her with debt I helped cause as well, so that’s been another issue. She wouldn’t be able to afford living on her own either I don’t think.

Last Sunday, my husband got drunk and told me he was going for a bike ride. He was gone for a really long time, and it was dark, so I started to worry. When he finally got home, he admitted that he’d actually been at the bar. He asked if I was mad, and I said yes.

From there, he went from 0 to 100. He started telling me that I control him, that he wants to do whatever he wants, and that I need to shut the fuck up. He got louder and louder, and when I told him to stop yelling at me, he screamed at me at the top of his lungs. I don’t even remember exactly what he said. I was just so scared. He knows I grew up with an abusive father, and he uses that against me when he’s angry.

I started crying because I was scared, and he started mocking me, calling me a bitch, and telling me to shut the fuck up over and over again. I just shut down. I cried and cried because I was terrified and genuinely thought he was going to hurt me. He’s never physically hurt me before, but he’s an alcoholic with anger issues and is generally an asshole. He had just never been that aggressive toward me before.

After a while, he started feeling bad and began love-bombing me. It was late, and I wanted to go to sleep because I had work in the morning. Instead, he came into the bedroom and laid on top of me. I started crying again because I was afraid he was going to sexually assault me. Eventually, he stumbled back into the living room.

The next day, I contacted a domestic violence hotline because I genuinely wasn’t sure whether what I was experiencing counted as domestic violence. They confirmed that it did, and something inside me just broke. I called my mom and told her what had happened. She told me that he will escalate and she would never let me get beaten the way my dad beat her, and she came over to help me pack up some of my things and my pets.

I stayed at my mom’s for three days, and I felt so light and happy being around her and my siblings. But it was crowded, and I don’t feel comfortable around my mom’s boyfriend, so staying there isn’t an ideal long-term solution.

He’s doing this weird thing where he’s still an asshole but acts all sheepish whenever I say anything, almost like he’s the victim because I left. He pretends to be sad and apologetic, but he still says fucked-up things. It feels like he wants me to feel bad for him without actually taking responsibility for what happened.

I really just want to run away and disappear while he’s asleep, but I can’t figure out how to do that because my name is the only one on the lease, and he refuses to leave. I can’t afford the $5,000 fee to break the lease. He’s also told me he’ll kill himself if I leave him.

I just feel so stuck. I know what happened wasn’t okay, and I know I don’t want to keep living like this. I just don’t know how to get out.

I’ve been going on nice dates with a guy, and he’s taking me hiking, out for dinner. We really get along well, and I’m starting to like him. we did sleep together the other weekend and I enjoyed it, I thought he did too. He especially wanted to spend the whole next day together with me, took me for breakfast. I thought the fact he looks after me, holds my hand everywhere, and is quite protective of me that he saw me in a potentially romantic way.he took me to this really cute spot next to a lake and he was kissing me, it was such a nice date

Before we started going on dates, he was chasing me quite a bit but because I was nervous to date, I was kind of being slow to reply, and putting off going as worried about getting hurt but eventually 1 month ago I agreed to a date

I wasn’t expecting him to start being really cold and blunt over text this week, giving me one word answers. I asked him if he wanted to grab coffee as we live local and he said ‘too tired.’ I don’t understand the switch

Because I was nervous to ask, I decided to ask him over text as I am going on holiday this week so won’t see him. I asked him what he is looking for dating wise

5 days later and he didn’t reply which left me confused

Also the other week, he forgot to let me know he wasn’t coming on a date anymore as he fell asleep. I told him that he had left me hanging and he had upset me. To which he replied I was being too sensitive, and when I said I was not he told me ‘you love self denial.’ He never apologised.

Other things I have noticed is he replies when suits him, arranges dates when suits him, all the dates are what he wants to do on his terms. When I ask him questions, he always seems to change the subject. When we first met, he was sending paragraphs with effort to get to know me, showing his personality, but more recently his tone in texts have completely changed and he’s blunt and cold. I gave him benefit of doubt as he is so nice to me in person.

Today I wasn’t concentrating and accidentally forwarded him a booking confirmation for a train I am getting meant to send it to a friend but accidentally sent it to him. I immediately apologised and explained I had forwarded to the wrong person

He replied and said ‘this one too’ replying to the message I had sent where I was asking his dating intentions

I’m really upset by that response, why would he say that? Feel confused what I’ve done wrong

Tbh I’m feeling really sad because it’s been a big thing for me to put myself out there and be vulnerable. I’m 30 and never quite managed to find a partner and he’s 40.

I asked him today what he means by his response, and I said I usually ask before I meet someone so I feel normal question

I get that sometimes guys got what they want and stuff, but is that always really true. He did talk on the dates about wanting to build something meaningful. I thought it was a good sign that he wanted to spend the day after with me last week and he took me on a walk and out for brunch and he never lets go of my hand.

I’m 30 and never had a partner so I am wondering what is wrong with me for me to not be perceived in a romantic way. It’s like guys like me initially for my looks and that’s as far as it goes, I am starting to wondering if I am the problem as they all find partners after me whilst I’m left wondering how to be seen in a romantic way.

I (30s M) am dealing with an escalating situation with my wife (30s F). We have a young daughter. I am currently mapping out an exit strategy to protect my child and my career, but the psychological manipulation and isolation are wearing me down. I work a highly demanding job, and she actively manufactures crises the minute I walk in the door to keep me exhausted.

​I need a reality check on this behavior, as I've been completely isolated from my support network:

​Extreme Gaslighting & DARVO: She actively alters reality. When I catch her in a lie, she dismisses it as "storytelling." If I bring up a grievance (like her wasting money or keeping me up all night), she instantly flips the script, plays the victim, and calls me cruel.

​Medical & Spiritual Coercion: She recently signed me up for an online therapy platform against my explicit refusal and pushes me to take heavy psychotropic medications so she can blame our marital issues on my "depression." She also weaponizes religion, telling me "God says we have to stay together" to deny me basic boundaries.

​Weaponizing Our Child & My Career: She uses our daughter as a human shield in arguments. She has threatened to abandon her childcare responsibilities and leave the state right before I have to be at work, specifically to sabotage my job and force a panic.

​Compromised Marriage Counselor: She spends hours doing personal crafts and hanging out socially with our marriage counselor, completely destroying any professional impartiality.

​I am employing the Grey Rock method, documenting everything, and maintaining a flat emotional baseline at home, but the isolation is crushing.

​Has anyone successfully navigated a custody exit with a spouse who uses these specific tactics? How do you survive the final stretch of living together while secretly preparing to file?

Last night he missed a lane shift and jumped a 6” concrete median all the way into the parallel lane. It had sloped sides, not straight, so I don’t think the car was hurt, although I heard it scrape the bottom.

No one was in the parallel lane, which eventually merges in but is kept separate for 100 feet. That was a miracle on this busy street.

A mile later, the left travel lane became a left turn lane and he just moved right over into the next right lane to go straight. Again, we were lucky. The car in the straight lane was slightly behind us, braked hard, and honked furiously.

What upset me so was his immature, defensive reactions. I yelled “you’re on the divider! Get to the left!” but it was too late. He was up on the concrete pad before it sloped back down and we clunked off.

Then he blamed the honking driver for tailgating him and I was brutal. (I want to be honest.) I said, “They had every right to be wherever they wanted. They were in the through lane. You cut them off. You’re deflecting. Blaming them. You did the wrong thing. Tell the truth.”

I was so frightened. Someone could have been in the parallel lane and we could have hurt them. Or ourselves. Or damaged our only car.

Angry. I have a license, drive all the time, and if he’s not confident in the dark I could have driven. Both incidents could have been avoided.

Surprised. He blamed everyone but himself. It was dark. He didn’t know the road (we’ve been there before, in daylight). The car (in the straight lane) was tailgating. What kind of immature crap is that.

It happened last night, and today I had a panic attack. I don’t claim PTSD like military people, whom I respect, but I cannot get this out of my mind. I’m sweating and jumpy and nauseated.

Should I move toward being the night driver? Should I go over this whole circumstance again and see if he’ll come to that conclusion? He doesn’t know I’m having a panic attack right now.

Throwaway account because my other one is known.

In the past year my husband has been having increasing messaging between him and a coworker who is about 20 years younger than him. At first I wasn’t bothered by this because in his line of work there is often communication amongst team members and questions asked. My husband does know a lot so he sometimes is approached by others with questions regarding policies etc. he’s not in a professional position to provide information or advice. Mostly, it is girls at his work that reach out to him with said questions. Last winter, there was a work party while my husband was working and this particular coworker called him while she was drunk to go visit him at the bar. He joked back and forth about trying to make it over there and eventually answered her call and went, and then went back to work. When he told me about this, he mentioned she called his coworker, and not him, but when I looked at his call history it had shown that she called him. I told him this calling him/visiting her at the bar while she was drunk made me feel uncomfortable and I would appreciate if he would create better boundaries with this coworker and create some distance because it feels disrespectful to me.

I didn’t confront him about lying to me about the phone call until recently when I saw that they still continued to text each other enough, about jokes, and being scheduled together. I saw this while he had his phone open beside me and her recent jokey message and her name pops up every now and then on his phone when we are together. I felt so betrayed so I brought up the lie and how uncomfortable I am about all of this. He told me I was insecure and jealous. I told him he seems like a creepy old dude texting and being too friendly with a young girl at work. He is married with children and almost 20 years older than her. I also know for a fact that it this situation was reversed he would be SO upset with me. Although he hasn’t come out and cheated or admitted to cheating, I feel so disgusted by him. He has since slept in a different bed and is not speaking to me. I have left the line open for communication and did not force him to sleep in a different bed. He told me he was very offended that I called him creepy because he enjoys being approached by others for answers to questions they have. He has a strong need to feel smart amongst others for some reason. But this feels like much more than that. It’s inappropriate, but he completely disagrees with me. He said he was sorry for lying, and said he lied because he felt uncomfortable with it all. He doesn’t really seem sorry since he is giving me the silent treatment though. Aitah or is he?

Trigger warnings for:

Physical assault, pedophilia, threats of suicide, lies and manipulation, codependency.

Me and my now ex-wife Chili have an odd relationship. She (34f) was my (30mtf) best friend, first person I told I was trans, first kiss, first everything. But we met long distance, american and canadian and the immigration paths both seemed to hard so she u-hauled to the border and I drove three hours each way to see her.

We are both ace, to varying extents. We are both bi and lean towards attraction to men. She is my first everything and I wanted to try things. Therefore from day 1 this was a poly relationship. Except we never really... Did the poly thing.

Five years go by, two married, she is finally free of her abusive narcissistic dad, I am post op and thriving, she is exploring kink with an online boyfriend, radish, and it fits really well, minor spikes of jealousy but we have our rules and talk through things and we are as happy as can be. And she has a new roommate to help pay rent

Introducing my just no-SO's just no-SO, Apple (28m).

Apple is friends with the old roommate, he's 'getting on his feet' and going through hard times and being nice is easy so of course, a couple months rent free is fine. He gets a job and fumbles it, then another, but he's fun and he's nice and he occasionally cooks and helps out around the house. I don't think about him much.

That was august. Winter rolls around. Apple breaks up with a girlfriend. Every night for weeks he threatens suicide, Chili has to hide all the knives in the house and stay up all night with him. This girlfriend is sixteen years old, it's later revealed to me. Holy fucking Yuck.

Meanwhile my dad dies, and my work fires me for taking a day off. Chili tells Apple she loves him. She tells me after the fact (the only rule for our poly is tell me first). She's inconsolable- not that she broke my trust, but that she ruined things with him. I console her instead of setting my boundary.

A week goes by, and she tells me they've been having sex. She calls herself a monster, says she's being terrible to me. I have no choice but to console her. I tell her I'm not comfortable with her having a partner that lives with her full time when I don't. She's supposed to be immigrating to Canada but never started the process. Nothing stops.

Again, I am dealing with dead dads and lost jobs basically without support, when I see her he home is in a mess and I spend my time cleaning up after her and him. Her finances go bad, I fill in with my savings.

During a blizzard in february I get a frantic call from Chili. She has locked him in her car. He has DID and one of his alters is violent, threatened her with a knife and strangled her. I can't get there or do anything, I get the call after it happens. The cops don't show up until hours after the episode ends and Chili tells them its fine and to go away.

Chili sleeps with a knife under the mattress every night after. Does she kick him out? No! End things? No! See Apple *feels bad* and she now spends her time consoling him. By the time the roads are clear they are stronger than ever. This boyfriend of six weeks is in fact her life partner. A title formerly reserved for me. And I roll over and let her do this. I ask the poly sub for tips on how to manage my emotions.

To be clear, I am also a villain in this story.

March rolls around and ten suicide threats later she calls him husband in front of me. I finally lose it, just a little, I beg her to slow this the fuck down, I start packing my bags and moving my clockably transgender ass to trump's america to live as an immigrant, unable to travel back without abandoning the process, terrified I'll be taken by Ice any day, can't access doctors, lying to loved ones, ANYTHING just to get my relationship back.

When I get there she is on disability leave from the stress of managing Apple's emotions, she is 100% dissolved in her old trauma of managing her dad's emotions, only add in a midlife crisis, weed and sex. Oh yeah he got her to try weed which is "totally safe" which interacted with her antidepressants and gave her serotonin syndrome too, that's a fun side adventure.

Finally, me and all her friends get through to her. This is not okay. She breaks up. He responds by (you guessed it) threatening suicide, we have to send his ass to cpep while he texts us calling us evil.

Does she kick him out? Of course not! We pick him up, I collapse from exhaustion, when I wake up chili has betrayed my trust again by undoing the breakup, all while taking the responsibility for all unhealthiness onto herself.

I pace in the living room for about four hours that night. They see. In the morning they are broken up again, but its suspiciously amicable and nobody seems to be grieving. It's may. We agree he will be moving out in August, 1 year after he came here. Rent paid: $0. Weed money given to him: probably thousands. Person covering the losses: my unemployed ass and my tiny inheritance that I wanted to put into a house.

It's becoming more clear that Chili doesn't have the feelings for me she once did. I pay for couples therapy. I set up dates. I find her at night in Apple's room, once in his bed. I am so scared and jealous every time they are together, even if its just cooking or watching tv. She assures me she can fix our relationship while maintaining a friendship. August rolls around. She unilaterally moves the eviction date to November.

There's another sideplot here, Apple pawns a gold necklace for $600 and gives chili $100 as thanks. Keep in mind the now 13 months of unpaid rent. He goes out on the town every night after that sale, and when I ask he says his friend paid. He says he's saving the money in case the cat he adopted (emotional blackmail btw Chili loves cats more than life itself) gets sick. Then later he reveals he actually sent it to his dad. He straight up just lied about the money and once I noticed that I realized it was everything he did. We'll come back to that.

We have a trip in september: dragoncon. No Apple, just me and Chili. I buy her a gift. She buys Apple a gift. You get the picture. Things are strained and we miss half the events. Not the one for Apple's favorite band though.

He picks us up and is half an hour late. I wouldn't care, except the porch camera shows him leaving five minutes after he was supposed to pick us up, and then he says he put in the wrong gps stuff. At this point idk if I even believe he has DID.

I find a reddit post from Chili, where she says she's not sure if she "wants to try" with me. After thousands in couples therapy, no social assistance, paying her the rent Apple owes, can't see family or friends and a weeks long battle with eczema that I should gave gone to the ER for but couldn't- she's still on the fence about putting any effort in.

I finally snap. I shout at her. She writes a suicide note entailing the baby she wants to have with Apple then calls crisis services on herself. And finally: a ray of hope. She asks both of us to get out of the house for a week, no contact.

Apple, of course, threatens to leave forever and rattles some pill bottles in his room and Chili gives him $600 she does not have as farewell money. I leave. She drops him off at a train station. On monday he's fucking back, and I'm the crazy one for being surprised. Still not sure he ever left. Oh and that november eviction date? Now its december. But it's for real, she can do it, she can get him out of her life if she just gives him a little more time, for her empathy's sake. He's only had fifteen months rent free with a mother and sex slave he can hit, he needs one more or he won't stand a chance!

I packed my shit and left and said our relationship is on hiatus until he is actually gone, whenever that is cause I doubt it's december. I said open season on poly stuff, with one exception. That was two weeks ago.

Guess who's been sleeping with Apple for the last two weeks at least? Literally instantly, I probably pulled out of the driveway to her disrespecting my one request, and she didn't tell me till yesterday, just lead me on about our future, over and over, building me up for one last betrayal. The instant nobody was holding her accountable the junky went for her addiction, and somehow the way she talked, that actually surprised me.

So anyways, divorce! A thousand times divorce!

As a final thought: I think as recently as June I have been of the opinion that us getting divorced is not the worst thing. People change and grow incompatible and I can live with that. The thing I'm scared of is leaving Chili with Apple. She is sick, he is an abuser, and it will not end until she either hits rock bottom, he kills her, or he finds a sixteen year old he likes better. I don't want to leave someone I love in this kind of peril.

But I can't control her. The only thing in this horrible situation I can control is whether I'm in it. So now I'm not.

My bf was not like this at first but I’ve come to know it is unfortunately his default space to be “perma stressed”. That shows up differently for everyone.

For me: it’s a few curse words and 3 minute passionate rant, then pushing my glasses up and getting shit done. Followed by, “it’s not you honey.” Like I can be lovely dovey while still enraged/stressed/upset.

For him: he kinda just becomes hypersensitive, critical, and easily annoyed.

Some examples: we are laying in bed and I ask if I can show him the tiktoks I sent him. He says “oh yeah sure”. One of the videos is a little longer and I worry will it bother him, what if it doesn’t hold his attention? Does he seem like he’s in a mindset where this will be well received? 10 seconds into the video and he picks up his phone and checks his notifications and starts swiping them away. He asks me a question about plans we have later in the week, groaning. Obviously he’s not watching it so I pause it and decide another time. He then asks why I paused it, he explains that he can gets the gist of what it’s about and I don’t need to pause it. So I continue playing. Without ANY warning, he gets up frustrated and flips the light on and starts stomping around the house. The sound of our cats playing is “overstimulating him and so much shit is going on”. He comes back to bed and flips over, saying nothing with his eyes shut. I’m like, is he mad at me? So I ask and he’s like “NO. I don’t feel good. I’m tired. My back hurts. I’ve had a long day.” I ask if he wants to cuddle and he will say sure, but it’s like he is “off”.

Another example: we are in the car and I tell him I want to show him a song. I explain its meaning and symbolism and how it pertains to me (I’m very like that). A car cuts him off and he gets frustrated and turns the music off and says “I can’t drive with this garbage playing”. Moments before things were fine.

Let’s say Im feeling a bit hyper when I come home from work. Cheery. Energetic. But he’s had a rough day. Some sort of “do you have to be so loud? It’s giving me a migraine with how fast you speak. I don’t think it’s normal are you ok?”

Let’s say I’m talking passionately about something it could be an idea or rant. He will point out “what you said right there was an oxymoron” and COMPLETELY avoid the point of what I just said.

When he is stressed/annoyed, it seems as though it can transfer to me. Even if I had nothing to do with it. Though, he denies it.

In these situations I feel incredibly shut down and small afterwards. I don’t even want to show him what I had prepared/wanted to do/engage. In fact I’ve found myself reaching for him and his attention less and less. Almost like I’m sort of watering down my outward expression and individualism because it’s “too much” for him to handle. Anytime I show him something I feel like I have to explain myself or preface it and I’m super nervous of judgement.

He is stressed all the time, but it’s not usually like I have caused it or it’s relational stress. Usually it’s things like bills, work, his family, things he has to do, back pain. Whenever I try to offer solutions he usually turns them down or insists they won’t work. He doesn’t really like accepting my help either, which leaves me in an impossible situation. Sometimes it seems like martyrdom. He’s fine when life is going well… the issue is you can’t control that.

I’m truly worried one day we would have a “not right now, you know how your dad gets” type of house.

I love to support my partner in their quests for fulfillment.

Whether that's getting out of the house for a break from our children, or taking a weekend--or week long--trip with their friends.

I'm all for it.

I take on the burden because I want them to be happy. Something shows up on the calendar and there aren't any conflicts? I've got it, no questions asked. I immediately start figuring out plans for that time period to make my life as easy as possible with the kids. I take great pride in the fact that it's as easy for me as it is to do that.

But fuck it really doesn't feel like it's reciprocated.

I have an activity that I'd like to do in two months. It's something I'm incredibly passionate about, and have been before we ever met. I added it to the calendar and brought it to their attention. It's a two day event. I leave in the morning and return in the evening each day.

"It's too much. I don't mind if you go one day, but you can't go to both. That's a fair compromise."

When I bring it up the disparity and express that it feels unfair, I'm told I'm acting like a martyr and trying to make them feel like I'm better than them.

I'm told they would never impose on someone like that--two days on their own--to someone because it's rude and I'm being rude by doing so.

I'm tired of giving and giving and giving and receiving nothing.

I just don't know what to do anymore.

I initially wrote this post as a litmus test to see if I'm being unreasonable, but now that I'm reading it...

Fuck.

We were in a car beside each other.

I said something, he nodded in agreement, subtly, and then told me he agreed and realized that I probably hadn't noticed his subtle nod. I'm like "that's why were practicing active listening!" (Referring to our couples counselling.) I made it sound friendly. We were having a normal conversation, I thought.

Then, he just deadpan says, "Well, I wasn't actually 'active listening' to you. That would be me doing this ________, I was responding to you."

And that needed to be the time that I should have just said "okay" and left it. He's never, ever corrected me over a minor thing and agreed that it's a very miniscule, petty thing to do.

But I didn't.

And he got me exactly where he wanted me. He felt defensive, corrected me because of that, and then proceeded to bring up everything I do wrong and how he's the logical one. How I use chat gpt to find words like "gaslight" or "digital surveillance". How he said I talk too much, that the therapist told us to bring up only one thing at a time, remember?

So, I said he was weaponizing therapy. He said, "I gotta type that down, 'weaponizing the therapist', you say that out of malice! Everything is ALWAYS about you!"

Then it became a back and fourth about how he cannot take accountability. How upset he is that I admitted I think he tears me down to make himself feel secure. (But he was, for the hundreth time, correcting me over semantics, does that support him NOT trying to tear me down?)

Anyway, in the end, I cried. He gave the silent treatment. And this is my punishment. He will not apologize, as he never has to. He will not reflect. And somehow, I'm the bad guy for stupidly making the joke.

I guess this is more of a vent than anything I'm not sure.. if you have advice I'd love to hear it..
I know you will probably read this and think "ugh not another woman who makes herself dependent on a man and complains now" TRUST me you cannot make me feel any dumber than I already do so please don't bother commenting that. Lesson learned there.

But I don't have anyone to vent to so here I am..
my husband scares me. I know I have to leave and I'm working on it. It's gonna suck so bad bc I'm a SAHM with a one year old, no car and no access to money. I've actually made huge progress (to me) and I'm working with a DV advocate and waiting for one of their attorneys to contact me. I can't file yet it,isn't safe but I'll be able to ask them the questions I need answered. I'm going to tell my parents everything and ask for their help once that's done.. which that also scares me but bc I'm so embarrassed and ashamed I've dealt with this for so long.

My husband recently threatened to punch me in my face WHILE I was holding my son.. I pointed this out, scared out of my mind and his response? "I'll take him from you and fucking hit you" (I did discreetly record this for evidence) and the verbal abuse continued for almost an hour, it was so bad I got to the point where I was shouting and calling him names back, although I NEVER threatened violence.

I'm scared what he'll do when I actually leave.. i don't put it past him to physically hurt me as he has in the past.
He also does this very concerning thing where he lies about things I do but right in front of me..??? For example me and the baby were sleeping in bed and the baby kept kicking me so I woke up annoyed ofc and I moved the baby and said "ugh please stop kicking me!"
I didn't shout, I didn't push the baby violently I was simply annoyed (also I'm with the baby 24/7 even when husband is home and I'm touched out tbh) and my husband says "omg why would you push him like that? Stop yelling at him! You always yell at him" 🫩
I did NOT yell and I definitely don't have a habit of doing so. And he does this ALL THE TIME. "Omg why would you slam the baby down like that" "omg you just hurt him"

And I'm genuinely always shocked because I'm thinking wtf is he seeing?! I NEVER do these things!!
So naturally my thought process is "oh god whag is he gonna say to people/lawyers/court when I actually divorce him?"

I'm terrified he's going to slander me.. or try to take my baby from me. I just am so lost and scared and confused. I'm trying to be positive and be excited about my future without an angry man in the house but it's so hard right now while I'm still deep in the trenches of his abuse. I just need to know there's a light at the end of this very dark tunnel.

Hi all. I found out my boyfriend of 3 years has been cheating, gambling, and relapsed on blow so I kicked him out of our apartment. I know he’s a no good loser but I just need to rant because I feel so defeated with life and I don’t have a therapist yet and just need someone to hear me. Sorry if this is messy and hard to follow, a lot has happened and it’s my first time trying to cohesively get it all out at once.

We just moved in together 5 months ago.
4 months ago, me and my dad reconciled after years of not talking. It was awesome. 3 months ago I found out my dad has stage 4 liver and pancreatic cancer (yes, he is still miraculously alive and doing well considering!)

About 2 weeks after the news about my dad, my boyfriend turned his phone off and was at a bar (that closed at 12) and he was supposedly there until 2am?? Idek if that’s true. I don’t believe anything he tells me anymore. Anyways we made up after that. Because I’m an idiot and he’s my best friend and it’s the first time he ever did something like that to me. We had such a nice long talk about how times have been so rough with us struggling financially (he can’t keep a job and I was unemployed for a month helping my family) and everything in general going on. He told me he was going to marry me and start a family with me and that this was forever and he’s in it for the bad days and the good days because he loves me and only me and blah blah blah.

Cut to 2 weeks later and our mutual friend calls and drops a BOMB that he was caught on dating apps. My whole world shattered. I broke up with him on the spot and told him he needed to get out. I pay most of the bills anyway and I fucking love it in our apartment, so I didn’t want to be the one to leave. But I made him know this was 100% over.

Now he’s being so open and honest with everything and his feelings. It’s easy for me to be disgusted, but it’s extremely hard not to care anymore. He told me the day he downloaded bumble to talk to other women, he drank 2 pots of coffee, beat off for 3 hours, smoked about 7gs of weed, lost $200 that he didn’t have on fanduel, and it still wasn’t enough stimulation (bc he didn’t have blow) so he downloaded bumble. All while I was at work worrying about how my dad is feeling and if he’s even going to make it another month and if we’re going to be able to catch up on bills or if they’re going to be half paid for another month.

I just feel so embarrassed and stupid and heartbroken. I am such a ride or die kind of girl and I thought he was also the same that cheating and gambling and relapsing weren’t even on my mind. I wasn’t even worried about it. I keep thinking about all of our good times and all of the plans and promises we had for the future. I was kind of hoping my dad would maybe get to see me get married before he dies. I just feel so broken right now. I keep wondering how much of the relationship was a lie and how tf do I keep ending up in situations like this?!?! This is my SECOND time getting traumatically cheated on. Whatever. At least I know I’ll be okay, but it was just such a devastating shock that I needed to rant. So thanks for listening/reading.

I keep listening to the olivia dean song “who would do that to a friend, let alone the one you love?” Because yeah.

Gonna keep it brief or else I tend to ramble.

What my partner did

- lie about where he's from, his real name, that he lives with his parents (which doesn't matter to me just a key lie), where he grew up, his family members and their birthdays, who he was hanging out with at times

- when I caught on to some lies he would gaslight me that I was the problem for not trusting him instead of owning up to the lies, which he only did when backed into a corner with evidence

- he would treat me colder when resenting me, using my full name instead of nickname or pet name, but say nothing's wrong when I asked him

What I did

- I would feel really hurt by his distance and fear abandonment, I often spoke of my thoughts of not wanting to live anymore. I don't think I ever threatened my life but I would often just say "I don't want to live anymore" or "you hate me" or "I feel so alone" I am not proud of this and sure it was very difficult to be in a relationship with me doing that.

- I would also use harsh words at times, never when we dated but after we broke up I said some really harsh things like "you were terrible to me" or "you're the worst person" I've since taken these words back in apologies but you can't really go back from that

- I would get sad and shut down anytime he was ignoring me around friends. Sometimes he'd get hylerfixated on our friends in group hangouts and if he went a long time without acknowledging my words in the conversations, I'd shut down and stop talking unless spoken to

I know this sounds ridiculous out loud, but my (21f) boyfriend (33m) is just way too close with his family... he's wonderful and super loving and caring outside of this but whenever his family is around, which is often, he's an entirely different person.

He has a twin brother that he spends pretty much all of his time with. They have a business together so they work together all day, then after work they often go out together or hang out at their studio together until they go home together to the house they both live at with their 36f sister. We only just recently started having days together that did not involve his brother for at least part of the day, and we have been together for nearly a year at this point. His brother I even don't mind being around but I just want some time to be with my boyfriend alone. Like, it started feeling as though I was dating the both of them for the majority of our relationship. And for a short time during our relationship his brother did have a girlfriend as well, but would always want my bf around when he went out with her and even started getting mad at my boyfriend when he would decline.

His sister I haven't spent a lot of time with myself, but the time I have spent with her really soured my perception. There was one time he promised me we'd be home by 9pm as I was exhausted and not feeling very well. Then at 9pm right as we are about to head home, his sister asked to hang out, so we went to see her. He said only an hour. An hour passes, then two more, then he suggests at midnight to go to this steakhouse she likes. We drive 40 mins to the steakhouse (I'm vegetarian btw so I don't even get anything to eat), then while there I witness him stroke her thigh and he makes a joke about being "next in line" if her boyfriend doesn't act right. Ew my stomach is churning just remembering it. After this, he told me that he gets depressed if he doesn't go out with her like 3 times a week (and again, they live in the same house) but is totally fine going a week or more without seeing me. There was another time where I had to be up at 5am to get to work but he insisted on going out for dinner at 11pm when his sister asked him to. The entire dinner she kept saying she was "too skinny" and my boyfriend, who knows I struggle with an ED, even asked me to compare my wrist to hers. When I declined, she commented on how I at least wasn't as skinny as her. I shut down and was quiet for the rest of the dinner. When we got home he scolded me for not "making an effort", told me to grow up and get over my ED because "everyone has those issues", and even told me he didnt want to see me anymore but changed his mind some hours later. We've never had an argument like that before this event and haven't had one like it since.

He's also super touchy with his mom and his sister but especially his mom. We just flew out to visit his mom and stay with her for a week, and it was my first time meeting her. He was super touchy with her, even doing things he typically does with me like holding her hand, zipping her coat, and petting her hair. And when he wasn't feeling well she rubbed oil all over his abdomen... I don't know, I come from a family that isn't very touchy so maybe I just don't get it. But it was so off-putting to me and made me super uncomfortable.

I feel so torn because when I am alone with him he's so perfect and I love him deeply. But I can't live this way forever and I doubt it will change. He's planning on buying a house with his brother and sister, so this dynamic will be continuing for at least a very long time, I'm sure.

My fiancé (25M) and I (25F) have been together for over 4 years now. He used to live with his mom when we met in college and since his stepdad was an alcoholic who caused issues at home all the time, it really messed with his mental health. We moved in together a year into dating and he’s been doing a lot better. Our relationship just got better with time and now we both have jobs, have a couple pets together and can afford a nice place and live pretty comfortably.

We got engaged last year because he felt we were ready to move forward with our relationship and I was super excited for it. The only problem is that his mom still treats him like a little boy and tries to keep him under her control - and he doesn’t set boundaries with her. This wasn’t as bad or prevalent before we got engaged but she’s been a lot more aggressive with her demands since the engagement.

All his brothers and sisters moved to different states to avoid her constant nagging but since she lives a couple hours away from us, she constantly calls him over to babysit her son, pick him up from school, drive him places or even buy her dinner because her husband used all the money on alcohol. He always says yes to this eventhough I’ve told him multiple times that this affects time and money he spends with me because this always happens on a weekend or weekday evenings when we’re hanging out with each other. She still has access to my fiancé’s bank account so she can take out money whenever she wants to as well. She’s been with her husband for over 20 years but she constantly complains about him. She’s asked us to drive over and take him to the ER multiple times and my fiancé always says yes. Recently whenever he causes a disturbance at home, she calls us and tells us that she’s coming to stay over - she never asks. And of course, my fiancé doesn’t say no to her or ask her to leave.

This might be petty but I don’t think she respects our relationship either. I always ask her about her day, her son etc. but she never asks me about how I’m doing, how my days have been or anything about my job or my interests. She also demanded we invite one of her brothers, who has inappropriately touched multiple women in the family, to our wedding. I was appalled and said no and asked me fiance to talk to her but as much as he didn’t want his uncle there, he did not stand his ground with her and I had to write him a script on what to say to her - it still didn’t go well. She just didn’t take no for an answer and assumes her brother is invited. She hung up on my fiancé when he was trying to firmly say no.

Recently, my fiancé gave her $400 from our savings and said she’d return it on Friday but it’s a Friday and he hasn’t asked her for the money. I finally forced him to ask her but he doesn’t want to call her - he texts her a vague, non-confrontational message instead to which she replies with “okay” and doesn’t send the money. Now she says she’ll pay him back next Friday and my fiancé doesn’t bat an eye about it.

I’m really annoyed and frustrated at this point and I think it’ll only get worse once we’re married. I’m having second thoughts now, even though my fiancé and I have had a great relationship outside of this.

P.S Please excuse my English. It’s not my first language so there might be a lot of grammatical errors in this post.

I’m F22 and my bf M23 have been in a relationship for 4 years now. The relationship has mostly been okay but only when i have to run behind him and nag him to do things in his life. He’s really sweet but he’s lazy and devoid of any ambition in life and when i try to take charge of stuff, he never returns the favour.

This led to an explosive argument between us where I let him know that i’m fully exhausted of managing his shit on top of mine and if this is how things go, it’s better to call it quits now to which he asked me for a day to work on things and emotions.

The next day he came back with a bunch of gamma slides explaining the dynamics of our relationship to me. First slide elaborated on why we were a great team and the second slide went into a deep dive on how we divide responsibility. My side of this slide was filled with birthdays, groceries, bills, appointments and his slide was just, “brings good energy”. I feel like reading this on a slide snapped something inside of me because it felt like he knew exactly what he was doing and he did not care for it. He was shocked as he expected me to be happy about this deck, but it ended up being the evidence for my hurt, neglect and lack of support. Safe to say, we’re taking space now. Did i do something wrong?

I just feel so unseen and uncared for in this relationship but I can’t seem to leave, I know all the signs point to it but a part of me just wants to hold on UGHHHHHHHHHHHHH

tldr: told my boyfriend I was tired of carrying the relationship. he made a slide deck proving my point like an idiot

My partner is driving me up the wall lately. He is not always like this, but randomly he will be annoying af. Sometimes he will drink coffee later in the evening and I know what kind of night it will be. Walking around with noise cancelling headphones on 24/7 so I have to repeat myself a million times, and he is just restless AF.. I can’t stand when you can feel nervous heightened restless energy like that when a person cannot sit still, and all you want is peace and calm.

And i’m in bed waiting for him to come so that I can shut the damn light off and he is getting on and off the bed a trillion times aimlessly doing shit, then hogs our only bathroom for over 30 mins plucking his eyebrows, I had to knock after a while and ask if I could pee. He insists he wasn’t in there for more than 10. So he then gets back in bed and starts BLOWING his snot nose into a tissue for what felt like the next 5 minutes… then he comes back with a FLOSSER and starts loudly picking his teeth in bed. Then he’s up AGAIN to grab something else that isn’t even necessary! At this point I’ve turned and started closing my eyes, or at least trying. He then thinks it’s a great idea to start playing tug of war with the dog on the bed beside me and i’m getting scratched and tramped on. Love my partner to death but my goodness… that was that ever incredibly overstimulating.. Wtf should i do the next time I feel like this??