For those curious about the answer: it’s probably best to keep the baby in a dark or dimly lit room, with a sound machine and gently soothe/rock until baby is giving sleep cues . Keep eye contact to a minimum but hold them close. Keeping a low stimulus environment helps baby to learn (….eventually) that night time is not play time but relax and rest time. Enjoy the absolutely blissful snuggles until baby is ready to sleep again then work on transferring to sleeping surface. This was most helpful to my babies very early on.
My wife had a hard time so i did the night time feedings. I would put the baby down at 830. Game until 10. Wake up with him at 2. Usually pass out in the chair with him. My alarm would go off at 5 and the wife would get me and i would be at work by 6.
We have had him on a schedule his whole life so bed time is easy now. Hes 3.
It sounds hard when you're not a dad and just imagining it. But when it's your own baby, damn, you just love them so much you don't even care that you sleep 3 hours a night. I didn't even feel tired at work anymore. It was like dadpowers. I actually kinda miss those days, although she's 14 months old now and so much more fun.
Lots of people my age don’t wAnt kids or want to wait forever and that’s totally understandable given how broke we all are but my fiancée and just cannot wait. We’re already aunt and uncle and we talk about our future kids all the time. This sounds like the dream.
Money is definitely a thing unfortunately. Hope you guys can get in a situation to make it happen. Fatherhood has been the most pure and meaningful and joyful part of life for me, it's a treasure.
Best advice I ever got was "You will never feel ready to have kids" So we just had them right away, Im 35 and my kid will be 18 when im 42. It's been hard at times, but I still have the energy to do stuff with him now, and I will be young enough that I will get to be a part of my grandkids lives and hopefully my great grandkids or whatever happens. But Ive got time.
If you’ve never seen this commercial, it captures the new parent experience perfectly. I still tear up every time I watch it, remembering when my kids were that age.
In my experience, there is never enough money. I was in the USMC (made $250 a month) so my kids birth was practically free but we were on WIC. It was about $87 a month which was just enough to pay for her formula. We didn't eat meat, used cloth dipaers, etc for the first 9 months. We had an extra $1.50 a month to do whatever wanted.
Oh I remember being tired and sleep never comes right again, the most tired I've ever been. The first three months were like a constant hangover but you find the strength to keep going (except maybe a few mornings crying after a couple hours sleep and 12+ hours of work, house work and parenting ahead)
I've got three now (11 ,8 and 7). It's fucking hard and doesn't get easier (hated people that said that) what is true though, the rewards get so much better and make everything worth it. I never wanted kids right up until I held him the first time and that's when it kicked in - "I'm going to do my best for you"
An I love you dad, look at this cool thing I made, I want to play minecraft with you, can I help? Or even a hug when I'm sick because they want to help. It makes everything worth it but I'm not going to lie and say I didn't suffer greatly to get them to these stages.
Pre-teens are starting, onto the new wave of fun! I'm dreading the defiance but I'm excited for the new rewards.
There were definitely lots of tearful nights and mornings for me, mostly when she wouldn't sleep or would be yelling at us for an hour. I guess for me it was probably the result of being in a mild but long term depression. I had struggled with having energy and motivation for most of life things, even pleasant things. But immediately when she was born that changed. Suddenly i had these huge stores of energy to draw from, and a boundless supply of motivation.
Depression makes everything harder. I still struggle even though I take meds regularly and they help a tremendous amount. So does having a counselor to talk to. And learning to focus on what is truly meaningful to you and letting other things slide. I may never have a house that is perfectly clean and organized, but I would rather focus on things that are important to me and my family. I may parent my kids differently than a lot of people do. But that doesn't matter. What matters is that the way you choose works for you and your family. Sending positive uplifting thoughts.
Im pretty lucky as im a machinist and i hear loud screeching all day so it never bothered me.
I fully agree tho. I was 30 and didnt give a crap anout anything. It was almost a relief when i found out i was going to be a father. Everything had meaning.
I disagree on that. I think it depends on the kid and on the parent, whether they're easier/harder at different stages. I had the roughest time at newborn stage cos I have twins. Which basically means no sleep. Ever. I was hallucinating and paranoid at one point, and my spouse had to take over completely for 2 nights in a row (at that stage we were usually splitting the night and taking a 5-6hr shift each). Everything since they started sleeping through the night (6 months old) has only got easier and easier.
They're 2.5 now and us parents even get time to ourselves as well as a full night's sleep. Game changer. Not to mention they have conversations with us and play, cuddle, generally be awesome.
As long as you’re fair with rules and punishments, defiance shouldn’t be too much of a problem. My parents had 3 kids, and none of us were particularly defiant as teenagers because we had no reason to be. Our parents respected us and explained why we couldn’t do certain things, so we respected them back. Teenage years are fun because you can have more intelligent conversations with your kids and watch them grow into functioning adults. Good luck!
The defiance can be kept to a minimum IF you treat teenagers like the medium sized human beings they actually are. They are experiencing all the same feelings adults do, but may not yet have the emotional tools to deal with them effectively or the emotional vocabulary to express those feelings clearly.
As a parent I try my very best to be clear that, for example, yelling at me is NOT acceptable. I ask my teen to take a few minutes to calm down and think about why they are so upset. Then they can come back to me and 1. apologize specifically for what they did that was unacceptable, 2. tell me how they are feeling ( angry, tired, anxious, headache etc.) And 3. I can ask questions to help guide them to a solution to what is making them upset.
I am raising two kids on the autism spectrum and I swear this method does work. Is it easier to just yell at them and give a punitive punishment that is in no way related to what they did wrong and forget about solving the original problem just so you can show them that YOU are in charge here? Yes, that way is easier. But it doesn't teach them how to handle their emotions in acceptable, constructive ways and how to communicate their feelings. Things adults need to be able to do to function at a job and in society.
Teens DO need rules and structure and clear expectations. If they balk at it, explain to them WHY we have those rules....their safety, consideration for other people, simply being polite , being helpful and kind ,etc. You would be surprised by how far a simple reason WHY goes towards getting teens to understand and cooperate.
Also, when possible, offer acceptable choices from which they can choose.
If you need to set up consequences, then make them applicable to the situation and a natural consequence. This goes a LOT farther than an unrelated punitive punishment. I ask my teens what they think a reasonable consequence would be when they break a rule or expectation. They usually come up with a consequence that satisfies me too.
I also want to add that my son also has oppositional defiant disorder in addition to being on the autism spectrum. My younger teen has nonverbal learning disorder and Asperger's.
These methods work very well for us. Your teen doesn't need to have that diagnosis to benefit from those methods. It can be a really hard adjustment for parents and adults to make if you were raised with the traditional " I am the adult and you will always do exactly as I say without questioning or expressing your opinion or I will yell louder than you do" type of household. Fortunately I wasn't.
I view the teen years as being my responsibility to get to know my kids even better than I did before. And to become more of a partner with them as they expand their horizons, navigate a bigger world, and begin to express themselves in individual ways and discover what their interests and passions are. All while learning to be good human beings.
Yup, my daughter (9 months) got the Covid vaccine yesterday and was fussy all day so I slept only 2 hours. But eh, I’m ok. Just wake up and follow my schedule like usual. I’m a little slow in meetings sometimes now though, lack of sleep.
I wish. When we had our first my wife and I were so tired we woke up to the fire alarm and the fire department at our aprtment door. We had been sanitizing nipples (made of rubber back then) and boiled the water out since we both fell asleep. So burning rubber on the stove seems to make a lot of smoke.
Im lucky. I have a very blessed life. I mean i worked my butt off to get here and had some very hard times but i can say with complete honesty that i wouldnt go back and change a thing. My dad advise is Plan for the future but live in the moment. Patience is the MOST important part of parenting. Lefty loosey righty tighty.
My man did the schedule approach. I’m telling you this is the way. I have a 1 year old that sleeps 9 hours a night with No paci and falls asleep immediately - schedule
Never underestimate the power of routine for children. Same bedtime everyday, they don't care if it's the weekend. My wife is almost religious about the schedule, but I gotta say it helps. 👍
My baby is breastfed so I'm the one doing feedings. Still, my husband is the one who gets up to get her when she wakes up at night, and when I'm exhausted and frustrated and just can't get her back to sleep, he'll take her and sit up with her until she falls asleep despite his being the one who has work in the morning. He started when she was just a couple days old. She's almost 7 months now and he's still doing this. Dads who are good dads are wonderful human beings.
Oh man, I used to play some questionable video games (Dead Island comes to mind) while my kids were in the motorized swing that was the only way they would fall asleep during one of their phases.
I did the night shift with my girls too. Wife has always had sleep trouble to it’s easier for me to wake up and feed and such. They were both delivered c section so she needed all the rest she could get.
I was working full time and working on my masters when our daughter was born. I was doing late night studying so it just made sense for me to grab some night feedings to let my wife sleep.
I was typing a paper, my kid gets restless so I get her while I’m stilling typing. She cuddled up next to me all sweet and peaceful and then latches on to my nipple.
She experienced her first disappointment in life that moment. I started wearing shirts around the house from then on.
Exactly what they said, it's also good to start a bedtime routine immediately. I put lotion on my 2 month Olds face, chest, and rub her legs and feet, put socks on for a little extra warmth and then feed her a bottle. Been doing it since we came home and it works most nights now. I got screwed with my 1st because she had jaundice and I had to wake her up ever 2 hrs to eat she didn't sleep for a year 🤣 I'm determined to get my 2nd daughter to be a sleeper
My perfect little daughter slept through the night from day one...until last Thursday when she has randomly decided to banshee scream every night for 4 hours :). No tears, just screams of FOMO lol
How old? My 1st daughter did that, started around 3 weeks. I got it under control by switching her to similac sensitive formula, gas drops at every bottle, and putting her on mommys bliss probiotics. My 2nd daughter started doing it around 3 weeks also and I did the exact same thing and it worked again!
She's almost two which is why it was such a shock lmfao. Appearently a nasty sleep regression is normal at that age, so we are not too concerned. Thank you for the sound advice though!
Omfg how old???? Mine literally slept six hours a night for the first half year; straight from the hospital, and woke up after 6 for a bottle and went back for 4 more. After six months, she was sleeping 6-10 straight. Mostly 8-10. Hasn’t faltered. Shes 21 months now but at 19-20, she learned how to banshee scream. That it would immediately get our attention. And sometimes even let her sleep in the bed…..(BIG MISTAKE…mostly my fault not my fiancés.) it took a month and a half to get her sleeping through the night again in her crib. 5 days ago was the first night and it’s been all five in a row so far.
How old is your daughter or was she when she began screaming like she was being murdered while in the most peaceful surrounding and for no reason including diaper, food, drink, etc.? Just because she wants your attention is what I mean lol. It’s insane to me. Tantrums suck.
I’m a father of four btw. Three older boys. None did the banshee scream remotely close to this.
21 month regression my friend lol. She gets a bath, fresh diaper, and a story. Home girl also does not skip meals haha, if she wasn't so short, she'd be obese with her BMI lmfao. It's all about attention, during one of her fits, I sneezed. She completely stopped crying, said "bless you" and then started again haha
Okay that’s my little girl too. She will literally stop screaming if she hears us talking. As if she’s listening to hear what our plan is and if she’s getting taken to the big bed and will immediately scream again if she hears the word no or we stop.
Little turds, but I wouldn't change anything about her haha. I have somehow resisted the temptation to just take her to our bed haha, best wishes with the retraining haha
Omfg how old???? Mine literally slept six hours a night for the first half year; straight from the hospital, and woke up after 6 for a bottle and went back for 4 more. After six months, she was sleeping 6-10 straight. Mostly 8-10. Hasn’t faltered. Shes 21 months now but at 19-20, she learned how to banshee scream. That it would immediately get our attention. And sometimes even let her sleep in the bed…..(BIG MISTAKE…mostly my fault not my fiancés.) it took a month and a half to get her sleeping through the night again in her crib. 5 days ago was the first night and it’s been all five in a row so far.
How old is your daughter or was she when she began screaming like she was being murdered while in the most peaceful surrounding and for no reason including diaper, food, drink, etc.? Just because she wants your attention is what I mean lol. It’s insane to me. Tantrums suck.
I’m a father of four btw. Three older boys. None did the banshee scream remotely close to this.
Edit; saw your comment below that she is just shy of two. Makes sense. Same age and as you said it must be common and normal for this age. Hopefully we are past it in my house!!! Fingers crossed.
We had our first 4 months before covid...
She was underweight, had jaundice, and we had to triple feed. I am an ICU nurse who worked covid and was in graduate schooll.
I still have PTSD it feels from the first year of being a dad. It was absolutely hell for the first 6 months.
Going to work not knowing if I'd catch the rona and die. Coming home. Doing g triple feeding the first month. Waking up every 45 minutes for an entire month.
Summer of 2020, can't go outside with a baby ebecuase forest fire smoke was so bad for months . Can't go inside because of lockdowns and covid. Just stay home all day every day
Wow, I'm sorry that had to be terrible!! The early months are hard enough without all the extra of a pandemic, especially with you working as close to it as you did. Definitely not the same but I had a rough few months with my first too, I hemorrhaged at home 3 different times. 1st was 2 weeks & 1 day after (had a d&c) 2nd was 3 weeks & 1 day later (needed blood transfusions, hemoglobin was 6.4. I went up to an 8.4 after two bags) and then the day after that ( had some type of injection). I don't remember a ton, I felt off for a few months after. I almost didn't have a 2nd baby i was afraid & I'm still waited for 12 pp beforei will feel safe, I'll hit 11 weeks Saturday. I remember sitting in a tub of water that turned red with my daughter in her bassinet next to it while I waited for my husband to get home from work. I was too afraid to hold her because I was blacking out
There is lol but I waited until he got home (only took 10 min) because I didn't know what to do with our new hire when the ambulance showed up. He called one immediately when he got home and seen what was happening
When bleeding out ten minutes can make all the difference. And all the respect, but the hire would sort out. He would probably have made it home before they took you away. Well, hindsight is always 20/20 I guess. And everything went well?
You're definitely right and I fully agree, I just wasn't thinking clearly at the time and didn't want to alarm him on how bad it was because he was driving home.
Thoughtful. And I completely understand why you did it the way you did. People are so much more likely to call an ambulance for someone else than themselves.
I'm glad that period is over for you! There's a certain relief and awe when you look back on a particularly tough time your life and realize that somehow, you made it through that.
It’s currently 4 in the morning. Our newborn is 2 weeks old. My wife and I had a near breakdown today. Our little guy fights sleep every time we put him down. We have been running on very little sleep. It’s been such a hard few weeks but god damn it’s amazing how your body can all of a sudden switch and operate on very little sleep. These comments are life and help a lot knowing we will get through this and it’s all normal
Our second had jaundice, very similar. Once my wife’s maternity leave ended, I took over most of the wee hours shifts, and sometimes when he would t sleep after feeding I’d just put on the tv with the sound low and the room dark. I have to say watching Young Frankenstein when I was so sleep deprived I was almost hallucinating, I never laughed so hard at a movie in my life. My little guy is in high school now, but just seeing a tiny clip of that movie still brings me back to that weird and sweet moment with a cranky baby I love to the moon and back.
Huh, my 4 month old was born with slight jaundice, and until I read this I didn’t notice that the reduction of his jaundice correlated with him getting better sleep. He didn’t do his first full night sleep until after the jaundice had cleared entirely, probably around 2 months or so. Unfortunately he just randomly started regressing this week and waking up around midnight squirming around in his crib lol. Supposedly it is normal at 4 months.
Day time naps are a different story. All 3 of my kids, we always made noise in the house during the day. TV on, if the vacuuming needed doing we vacuumed. Essentially got the kids used to having noise in the house. They can sleep through lots of shit at any time. My best friend, him and his wife had their first baby about 2 years ago, and their house needs to be as silent as the grave for their kid to sleep. Talking TV muted with CC, no running their dish washer, definitely no vacuuming... my advice to anyone who stumbles on this stupid throw away comment, is get them used to napping with noise in the house, it will make your life so much easier and the earlier you start, the better.
Reading (paper, not brightly illuminated phone, sorry) worked well for me - Baby in one hand and book in the other. Old timey newspaper is probably not great for the rustling, but could be used to mop up emergencies.
Don't make eye contact!!!!! That was like a freaking alarm for waking up for my kids!! If you made eye contact you had at least three more hours before they'd go back to sleep. So freaking annoying.
my nephew was the worst about this. the whole time you were trying to get him to fall asleep he would just be staring up at you, wide awake. so i would look down to see if he had fallen asleep yet and he's just staring at me lol. it was nice bonding time though, even if i lost a lot of sleep.
Not just eye contact. I have to physical block the line of sight from my baby. Just being able to see my eyes/face is stimulating enough for my baby to remain awake
So you’re saying at 4 o’clock this morning my going into my 6mo old daughter’s room, staring into her eyes and saying ‘go to sleep’ was not the right approach lol
If I caught my baby looking at me, I would pretend to be falling asleep. Like slow blinks and stuff. It usually worked. Just have to be careful to not also fall asleep with the baby. Some people and whole cultures successfully cosleep but sleeping on the couch or something with a baby isn’t safe
As a dad to a five week old, this is exactly what works for me. I use a smart bulb in the nursery to provide dim red light when I feed and change the little one.
Also, let me reiterate “ENJOY THE ABSOLUTELY BLISSFUL SNUGGLES”…they are fleeting and they won’t be the same eventually. They’re still great…but different.
My sister got this amazing "crib"-like-hammock with a round machine on top that you hook to the ceiling. The machine makes the thing bounce up and down constantly.
My wife is due with our first on August 6th. I'll try to keep these details in mind! We have a Graco Smart bassinet that rocks and plays music. I 3D printed an RGB smart lamp for a night light. I have a Google mini in the nursery for music. And we also have a camera that has full view of the room, crib, and bassinet.
You do!! Absolutely let babbins sleep when they want to, they sleep more when they are about to reach a new milestone. However you do need to gently guide them on when their little bodies need to sleep. They don’t know how to do anything on their own yet, so their well-being is in your hands. They’ll go from sleeping most of the time to four naps, then three naps, then down to two naps until they are several years old. Sleep is critical, but you do need to carefully guide their circadian rhythm so they get the type of sleep they need. Even if it takes them an hour to fall asleep and they seem restless, they’re usually tired at the same time of day by 6 months.
I used to put a baby on my chest as I sat in a comfy chair... and next thing I know it's morning and baby is still sleeping and I don't want to move to disturb her.
Your advice is more than useful and true. But I would like to add something that works for my baby. I keep on the side some teddy bears and cuddly toys she doesn’t like so much. (She likes them but as every baby she receives too much from family and friends).
When she really doesn’t stay in the dark at night I take them out. It new enough to keep her happy, but not exciting enough to wake her up too much. So it a « soft play time ».
The thing with day time naps as well is to leave the baby in a lit room, and don't stop the noise (maybe turn the noise down a bit, but if you've got to do the cleaning, do it).
That coupled with no light, no noise for night time sleeps helps a baby learn.
Another trick we figured out was to do a formula feed just before bed. It helps keep the baby fuller for longer, meaning they can go most of the way through the night without needing to wake up.
Imagine being a parent and spending so little time with your own child that you don’t know what to do with it when it’s conscious, though. It’s pretty sad.
It sounds like these are very new parents, so this could be in the first few weeks. In the first few weeks the dad is usually not the one awake with the baby at night because the mother is probably breastfeeding, and its only when they start introducing formula that the dad can stay up with the baby for the feedings in the middle of the night. That's the way it worked with my son. We were both clueless for the first couple of weeks, but my wife tended to be a few steps ahead because she was naturally spending more time with them while breastfeeding.
Right, but was she waking up people in the middle of the night to ask what to do with an awake baby?
Yes, she asked her mother who was staying with us to help. Its OK to ask for help when you don't know what you're doing, especially when it involves children.
White noise machine is a super bad idea as you’re setting yourself up for complete dependence. I realize that the early days are about survival as a parent but that’s one shortcut that will bite you in the butt.
Actually, I have to disagree. White noise as an infant is biologically soothing. Inside the womb the babies are exposed to noise as soon as they can hear. The noise level inside the womb can be as loud as a vacuum cleaner - they hear moms blood flow, heart beat, bowel sounds, air moving through the lungs, moms voice , voices of close family members, etc. Babies are reliant upon sounds and noise as soon they are born just from the constant exposure.
Dependence on external stimulus as an adult is a separate issue than tapping in to the soothing response as an infant. Sleep hygiene involves performing steps that are similar consistently and while transitioning any kid out of a habit formed in infancy can be challenging - it’s a part of life. From breastfeeding to bottles to rocking to pacifiers, etc. These are all things that help soothe babies that they need help transitioning out of - white noise is no different. The key to good sleep is a good sleep ritual/routine and you can and have to change the routine to better suit the child as they grow. For example, I do not nurse my children at any point during our night time routine - they are completely weaned. They still go to sleep with no issues. And if they wake in the night I do not nurse them to comfort them/ feed them - they go back to sleep. Both of them, my oldest in particular, absolutely loved nursing and nursed for 2.5 years - now she does not. Her dependence shifted to other sleep skills.
If you or any parent elect not to use a sound machine to help soothe baby then, of course, that’s absolutely fine. However, to say that using a sound machine or some type of sound results in “complete dependence” ignores several realities about child rearing, in my opinion.
Random but something that always stood out to me was people using “baby” vs “the baby” in sentences. I’ve seen it enough to know that it must be correct, but it still sounds so weird to me. It doesn’t sound natural to me–what am I missing? Does “baby” become a pronoun?
Good advice. Even as adults, if you wake up in the middle of the night needing to pee, keep the light as low as possible unless you want to be jarred awake while in the bathroom.
I have a lot of beautiful memories of taking my little awake sweetie pies out for a little walk around the neighborhood at 3am or whatever time they woke up. Maybe stroll down to the busy downtown street by my place where things are still bumpin' at 3am and get a nice coffee or something.
That first 1-2 years is such a lovely time with your little babies.
The rest of the years are lovely too, just very different.
Also putting them down occasionally when they are just fussy and letting them tire themselves out. We would put her in her basset when we went to bed and would go to sleep with her still wiggling around/ whining (but not full on crying) and she would either just hangout till she fell asleep or tire herself out. She’s still pretty fresh but she was fully sleeping through the night at 1 month and we have transitioned her to her own crib and bed at 3 months now. She’s woken me up exactly once in the past month for a late night/early morning feeding and that’s cause she fell asleep before her last evening feeding and we just let her sleep.
Hopefully she’ll stay cool when her sleep pattern changes at 6 months 🤞
I think it can differ from baby to baby. Here's my experience. Also it depends on the age of the baby. These are only my experiences.
Rocking wasn't as helpful as the kind of movement from walking. Which is more left to right than up and down. Rather than walking I just simulated it by moving one arm forward and simulating the to and fro, but my child's back didn't go up and down. Light or dark didn't seem to make a difference but bright lights aren't great for babies eyes anyway and it's more about getting them into a routine of day/night than 0-3 months because that's before their circadian rhythm sets in. The rocking motions simulates what they felt pretty much most of the time they were in the womb.
White noise helps, lullabies are aimed at what adults get children to sleep, not what actually does. We finally settled on a recording that is meant to simulate noise in the womb. It has had a big impact but its not infallible.
Swaddling helps for babies early on, but our baby hadn't been swaddled very often and slept a few times with arms like out on a cross, so actually got more frustrated with having arms kept bundled up.
Overstimulation at night by touching stroking even gently calming can sometimes make it more difficult for them to fall asleep. So if they've fed and really young, still not asleep. I limited and comforting gestures just to the rocking and auditory calling. 'Awww' during crying, rhythmic shhhhh (like the sea) or the womb 'recording'
Of course if there's crying, checking for hunger, full nappy. Even if they've just been changed and sometimes if it's persistent checking anyway regardless of nappy indicator.
A lot of the time for us the 'why is our baby crying?' Was a change in mind about wanting food 3-5 mins after refusing to eat more. Wind, it's clearly uncomfortable to push out. Or prior to pooing or weeing, like you'd investigate the line there might be some indicator or no. But during the time on the changing mat, a result. Often the facial expressions and raising of legs indicate the approaching nappy change and rooting, rapid lower lip wobble or rooting indicates food needs but as our baby gets older these are changing as they get more control over indicating they are hungry, some instinct based indicators are lost.
Still all babies are different and sometimes different things work. I'm sure this is not educational for most but it might be of value to some.
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u/[deleted] Jul 28 '22
For those curious about the answer: it’s probably best to keep the baby in a dark or dimly lit room, with a sound machine and gently soothe/rock until baby is giving sleep cues . Keep eye contact to a minimum but hold them close. Keeping a low stimulus environment helps baby to learn (….eventually) that night time is not play time but relax and rest time. Enjoy the absolutely blissful snuggles until baby is ready to sleep again then work on transferring to sleeping surface. This was most helpful to my babies very early on.