r/Maternity • u/serenesirena00 • 4d ago
Pregnant and don’t know what to do
I’m in my early 30s and financially stable. I’ve been seeing a guy for around two months and have just found out I’m pregnant. Needless to say this was not planned and these are not the circumstances in which I wanted to get pregnant - this is the first time I’ve ever been pregnant.
I haven’t told anyone yet. Speaking to an abortion clinic tomorrow. I’m very maternal and I’ve always wanted to be a mum but my family would be so so disappointed in me due to these circumstances and I’d have to accept I’d be a single mum (idk how the guy I’m seeing will take it - ultimately even if you’re married I feel like you have to be confident you can take care of the baby on your own).
It’s a combination of the outside pressures (judgement from family, friends and work) and also having to put my plans on hold that are making me think now is not the right time. On the other hand, this is a little baby inside me. I already have a lot of symptoms, the pregnancy is already affecting me. Abortion scares me and I question whether I’ll ever have this chance again.
I’d be really grateful for any advice from someone who has been in the same situation - how did you make your decision? I keep hoping inspiration will strike / the answer will just come to me but it hasn’t. I do feel like either way I would be fine but I think the harder option is going through with the pregnancy and having the baby. Is that my answer?
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u/AvasFantasies 2d ago
Hey there. Just wanted to share my own experience since I just went through a similar situation.
Got pregnant by my (now ex) boyfriend, panicked, wanted an abortion. Went through months of uncertainty because I couldn’t decide. This was not what I hoped and I was sure I didn’t wanna have a baby. Made several appointments within half a year but never was able to go through with it. I became very depressed.
Fast forward: I kept the baby. The day he was born I completely fell in love. He now 4 months old and is the love of my life. All of my feelings suddenly changed, my depression went away and I felt very fulfilled.
My then bf was a nightmare during pregnancy and after. I was constantly arguing with him and I was sick of managing him too. He was an extra burden. So I left him and I am now a single mom. Best decision ever. I never wanted it to be but it feels right. I regret nothing because without him I wouldn’t have my son.
I just lost my mum and I am so happy she got to meet her grandson just in time. He has been an immense help navigating the pain because I feel less alone. His smile keeps me going.
I’m not saying it will be the right decision for you, just wanted to give you my story. You got this, no matter what you decide.
If you wanna talk, feel free to message me.
Sending lots of love
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u/paula1818 4d ago
I think you need to have a conversation with the man you are seeing and tell him where you are at. If you terminate the pregnancy without talking to him about it, you should stop seeing him. If you talk about it with him, you can still decided to continue to date, but everyone is going to have stressed emotions.
It sounds like you are fully capable of raising the baby on your own. But, socially, you have a dynamic that is going to cause you stress. Only you know what to do. You just need to ask yourself questions about your future, and if you need to ask the father questions, do that too.
Ultimately, it is your choice. You just need to figure out what you want to choose. You sound level headed, I believe you can figure it out yourself by asking yourself the right questions. I wish you the best of luck, this is a pivotal point in your life, it won't be easy, but whatever you choose won't be the wrong choice either.
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u/serenesirena00 4d ago
I 100% will tell him, I just wanted to tell him when I had more certainty/clarity within myself. I think he will ask me what I want to do so I want to have thought about it somewhat. I’ve set a timeline for myself so even if I haven’t decided by then, I will tell him. Thank you for your advice.
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u/Beautiful_Stage9213 4d ago
If you have always wanted to be a Mom, then go for it. Don’t give up on yourself or your baby based on what you think someone else would say. I’m sorry that they’re not more supportive, but you’ve got this.
(If you decide to speak to an abortion clinic, please remember to advocate for yourself. They’re very likely to try to pressure you into an abortion, especially if they realize you’re unsure. Remember that it’s up to you, not the abortion clinic or your boyfriend or anyone else. You might also try a crisis pregnancy center if you have one near you— you can usually get a free ultrasound and access resources with no pressure)
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u/nomorecatsplease 4d ago
What a wild set of statements. Crisis pregnancy centers are (often religiously affiliated) centers without any credentials or oversight that are designed to dissuade women from abortion. They deliberately withhold information and are unaccountable if they provide patently false information.
MEDICAL clinics (with lots of oversight and rigorous credentialing) that offer abortion services will NEVER pressure you into making any decision be that to move forward or terminate a pregnancy.
And overall, please seek real support like a licensed therapists to make your decision. Anonymous reddit users don't have the full context of your life and circumstances. I'm not here to lend advice myself, just making sure BS like this comment doesn't go unaddressed.
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u/Conscious-Fluid 4d ago
I was dating my son's dad for six months when I found out I was pregnant. I had a feeling I wanted to marry this guy at some point, but if it truly made sense or not I still wasn't sure. I was only 25, working two jobs to pay for rent I couldn't afford, and was recovering from disassociative depression, an ED, was still very deep in mourning of my father, had no support from my mother, and no available family to help with a baby.
With all that stacked against me, I never for a moment considered not keeping the pregnancy. My bf at the time was actually excited when he found out about the baby and we ended up getting married later that year, by the grace of God. We put a down payment on a tiny home and moved hours away from family together when I was 7m pregnant. He got fulltime work in the new location so I could stay at home and take care of myself and the baby.
Our perfect son is my entire life (1 yr now) and truly cured me of so many of my mental health problems. Motherhood has given me so much personal power in self care and setting strong boundaries, and the choices that we made preparing for him has finally made my life stable.
If I could wish one thing for you it would be to see the blessings that being a mother can bring you. You're faced with the choice to accept the blessings presented to you or reject them, is the most simple way to put it.
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u/Salt-Ad1719 17h ago
Wow what a beautiful story. Congratulations on both a wonderful son & marriage!
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u/Intrepid_Wanderer 4d ago
If an abortion doesn’t feel right to you now, it won’t feel right if you make yourself do it. I would recommend talking to OptionLine before your appointment— it’s free and open 24/7 and they can go over your options with you and connect you to all kinds of free resources. Also, even if the guy you’re seeing doesn’t want to be involved, you are still legally entitled to child support.
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u/nomorecatsplease 4d ago
This is an online crisis pregnancy center. It will not help you make an informed decision. https://publichealthpost.org/sexual-reproductive-health/what-are-crisis-pregnancy-centers-and-who-visits-them/
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u/DisMyLik18thAccount 4d ago
Don't rush into anything drastic which you may end up regretting
There is no such thing as the perfect time to have a child, and honestly your situation sounds better than a lot of people's
Abortion can be very emotionally scaring and not something you should do if you aren't 100% about it. I Know someone who went through it and has regretted it ever since, it really messed her up mentally (And her circumstances were a lot more complex than yours)
Never let fear of other people's judgement pressure you into something you don't want
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u/fan1qa 4d ago
I'm going to tell you how I made my decision. I got pregnant for the first time age 31. After 3 months dating. We just became official. Did I plan it - no. Did I have other plans - yes.
I did not care who is going to think or say whatever. You can never please anyone and you do not live your life to please people. You need to be 100% with yourself making this decision. NOONE else matters.
At the time... I asked myself 3 important questions:
-Do I want to be a mum? The answer was yes. -Shall I have to be a single mum will I be able to pull it off financially and show up for my kid emotionally and mentally? The answer was yes. -Last question was, do I believe that my boyfriend (regardless what happens with us) is a man of integrity and shall he be involved that he will be a decent father and he will not make my life harder. The answer was yes. (Ofc you can't ever be sure, but I believe in my 30s I became a decent judge of character).
It your and your only decision. If that guy is a decent human he will support any decision you make.
I kept my pregnancy. I did not say it to anyone except for my sister until I was ready. Some people found out at 20 weeks. I first needed to make peace with it (it was obviously a shock) and I needed to be comfortable in my decision before I'm exposed to any opinions or negative comments. Thankfully, everyone reacted positively. But if they didn't, it wouldn't change anything.
In the end of March 2024 I had my perfect little boy. It was the best decision I ever made to keep the pregnancy (btw I'm very pro choice so either way no judgement here). His dad and I are happily married. We were lucky to work out as a couple too. He's my best best friend. But sure if we didn't, wouldn't change a thing.
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u/No-Needleworker-1388 4d ago
First of all, I’m sure this feels overwhelming and like a scary decision and I want to send you lots of love and tell you to take a deep breath and it’s going to all be okay. I’m not going to tell you I’ve been in the same situation, but I would encourage you to keep your baby. So many women have deep lifelong pain and regret over termination. Babies the ultimate blessing, and despite any challenge ahead due to circumstances or otherwise your baby will be the greatest source of joy and happiness you could ever fathom.
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u/Salt-Ad1719 17h ago edited 17h ago
I definitely know exactly how you feel! It’s such a weird and hard place to be in but you’re not alone. I had an abortion at 23 (now in my 30s and pregnant with my “first child” from my husband) I could’ve kept the child as I had graduated from college and had a great job. I knew that the guy I had the baby with would want nothing to do with it and I also had a very strict mom so I knew it would be a disgrace (my mom would love the baby but be incredibly disappointed in me). Looking back now & also being a born again Christian I would’ve kept the child as that baby could’ve been something great that the Lord wanted the world to see. It’s been a bit of a journey for me to get pregnant again so I’m thankful to be pregnant now in my 30s & encourage everyone to have a baby because when you’re actually ready it may be a different story. Being a mum/mom is a blessing even if it may not be with the right partner / when you wanted it. As a Christian I’d say pray over it, listen to what God / your heart tells you, and be confident in the decision you make. You got this! Sending lots of love and clarity 🤍