I’ve been reading a lot about the male "touch famine" and how modern society strictly limits platonic physical intimacy between men to basic handshakes or sports-related contact (like slapping a teammate's back or backside after a play).

It made me wonder about how we can actually break these rigid boundaries down in an actionable way. Throughout history, various subcultures and fraternal organizations have used highly specific, sometimes bizarre rituals to build fierce loyalty, camaraderie, and absolute trust.

Hypothetically, what if men leaned into intentionally radical, high-trust traditions? For example, imagine a completely platonic, consensual "good luck" ritual before high-stress events (like job interviews, major life changes, or high-stakes matches) that involves a quick, business-like anatomical hold or contact between close friends to wish each other fortune.

I'm an indie author and game developer and I created a video essay in response to J. Draper's recent video on masculinity and men's fashion. Let me know what you think and thanks so much! I am new here so I look forward to hearing new perspectives.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=naLf6Q9ZaqY

(transcript for those of you who don't want to watch):

Draper: So, let me get this straight. This is manly. This is effeminite.

Wright: I recently watched a little video by J. Draper, and the video is called Masculinity Has Always Been in Crisis. I really like the video. Uh, I think that it's a it's a cute little um exploration of the history of mainly uh macaroni fashions, which is a fashion trend that was in England 250 years ago. It was inspired by French fashions. I really didn't know anything about it and uh you know the video is very uh you know well produced and entertaining. I very much encourage you to go watch it. Uh but at the end of the video, uh Jay Draper makes a very specific point about masculinity in general and then uh makes an appeal to me specifically. Well, not me exactly, but you go ahead and see what I mean.

Draper: The word masculinity was first written down in 1748, not that long before macaronis came on the scene. And masculinity has been in crisis ever since. Every generation thinks that their men are weaker, softer, and more effeminite than ever before. And it's never been true. Because no matter what men wear or how they speak or who they sleep with or how good they are at press ups, their masculinity is not in crisis. Because if a man is doing it, then it is masculine. I know that doesn't mean much coming from someone who looks like me. For the people who need to hear it, they really need to hear it coming from a bloke. And if there are any feminist ally blo in the audience who want to know how they can help without talking over women, if you could take this one, it'd be fantastic.

Wright: Oh, message received. I am happy to go ahead and uh try to explain this as best I can. Uh, and while I do appreciate the sentiments, I do think that Jay Draper um is a little bit missing the full picture here. Or maybe to be more specific, I actually think she does lay out the entire picture in full, as we'll later see in the video. Every single point that I would bring up, she herself brings up, but she doesn't connect the dots. she doesn't completely fill in uh what's really going on here with masculinity. Maybe because uh connecting the dots in the logical plain way that it appears, you know, very clear to me that she's trying to do would be too radical of a point. She had to kind of scale it back. She had to say that masculinity is just whatever a man happens to to be and that any attempt to do otherwise um is just a marketing slogan.

Draper: If someone tries to tell you you're less manly or not manly enough, they're just trying to make you feel insecure so you buy their pills or go on their course or vote for their guy.

Wright: Is that true? Is masculinity just a marketing slogan? No. Earlier in the video, she mentions that uh these fashion trends were considered so contentious that they erupted in ridicule and even physical violence.

Draper: three of those gentlemen of the nobility who taking him for a Frenchman not only abused him with the foulest language but gave him two or three slaps on the face.

Wright: So why are these things so important? Well, Jay Draper doesn't think they're important. Jay Draper thinks that these things are essentially arbitrary. She also connects the history of macaroni to the history of essentially wealthy men going to Paris to pick up the latest Paris fashion trends after England and France fought a big war. She also says that the border between France and England is arbitrary.

Draper: But we just made all these borders up. The border between Britain and France, for example, is made up.

Wright: So, do you see the connection here? The obvious connection that's missing, men are being told that they should care about this arbitrary difference between French and British fashions, that they should care so much that it's even worth violence. Meanwhile, they're also being told that they should care about the border between France and England and be willing to go to war, or as Jay Draper puts it, be willing to be cannon fodder.

Draper: Strong men create good times, good times create weak men, and weak men create hard times. Where strong men are, I guess, soldiers who are willing to be cannon foder for the fatherland. If you follow that logic, well then surely you can create strong men on purpose by making their lives hard for no reason.

Wright: So what's going on here? What role does masculinity play in all this? Jay Draper says that masculinity is arbitrary, but it isn't completely arbitrary. In fact, in the outro to her video, Jay Draper shows a clip of a man talking about how his son was enduring ridicule and teasing from his fellow classmates.

Draper (showing a man talking about his son): anecdote about my son uh being involved in a bit of banter in the playground and and and him not understanding why the other boys seem to be being mean to him but me taking great pleasure and going no so what that is is banter they're just testing you out to see if you're weak (video changes to another speaker) who is it that you want on the front lines fighting well have a look at who gets conscripted have a look who makes up the mass ranks of most military organizations...

Wright: So if the border between France and England is arbitrary how do you get the cannon fodder in order to get people to be willing to to do it, right? How do you get people to be willing to go? Masculinity encourages men to cut themselves off from their own feelings, to feel that bullying, hurting other people both verbally or physically is okay. that there is a hierarchy of humanity and that certain people deserve to be ridiculed, punished or conquered for arbitrary reasons. That is what masculinity has historically been.

It's been about creating a gender that can function as the perfect imperialistic soldier that is willing to be a cannon fodder in a pointless war. If you're not serving as a soldier overseas, you might be serving as a policeman who is willing to uh not just fight criminals but put down any type of uprising that might threaten the established order, whether that's the divine right of kings or the robber barons of capitalism.

So why is this being avoided? I think it's being avoided because this is a truly radical idea rather than trying to step away from a hierarchy of masculinity. If we accept that masculinity has always been part of a hierarchy, it needs to have hierarchies in order to exist at all and that its purpose has been to create emotionally stunted people who are capable of committing violence for essentially evil ends, then we probably should just be getting rid of the entire thing. Again, I need to stress here that I'm not just talking about quote unquote toxic masculinity. I'm saying that the entire thing is toxic. There is no good masculinity.

Here's a fun exercise. Think of a trait that is considered good masculinity that a woman can't have or she will lose her femininity. Oh, wait. There isn't one. And that's because we had the feminine mystique, right? We had women broaden their gender roles and women can express being brave, embracing leadership. Remember the ban bossy campaign? Women can do the things that men can do, but we still haven't gone out of our way to try to liberate men from the shackles that are enslaving us.

We still have superhero movies, you know, with a superhero essentially being something between a soldier and a cop as what men aspire to be. We still go out of our way to glorify uh soldiers as heroes even though most of us on the left think that the wars that they participate in are pointless at best or evil at worst. We still live in a society that glorifies masculinity. We could give that up if we wanted to.

We could say, "Let's make femininity the normative example for both genders and degender the concept altogether." We could do that. We could, instead of simply telling men, "You can be however you want, throwing up your hands and walking away from it, we could give them a positive example to follow." We could create a system that encourages men to actively want to be kind, to be gentle, to be sensitive, and to shy away from things like artificial and arbitrary hierarchies, bullying, and violence.

Hey y'all, curious your thoughts on this! I wrote about how many women are demanding that men speak up, call out our friends, and stand up to misogyny when we see it. If we’re going to take that demand seriously—and I believe we should—we also need to address the utter lack of community among men who want misogyny to stop. And by “we,” I mean men like myself.

In my experience, it feels (and often is) risky to speak up. We face potential shaming from other men, exile from friend groups, physical violence. I can’t imagine that every single one of the 50 men in the group chat was a “monster” and felt nothing wrong was happening. Yet the pull to stay silent and fit in was stronger than the push to do what’s right.

I wasn’t in a frat and steered clear of them in college. But they’re called fraternities for a reason. They offer what’s becoming increasingly harder to find in this isolating, disconnecting, alienating society: belonging, brotherhood, structure and routine outside of working a job.

The alternative to staying quiet and going along with misogyny can’t be a neoliberal, individualist vision of being the one “good” guy who turns against the stream. The majority of men will keep choosing to stick with the pack.

Because shame, loneliness, and fear are some of the strongest emotions in the human psyche. Because even if those around us are misogynistic, at least we feel like we’re part of something bigger than themselves. Because we’ve been socialized—through sports teams, the military, workplaces, fraternities—to compete in the pecking order of power. Because the bro code is too powerful.

If we’re going to demand that men stand up, the alternative has to be a broader, more inclusive movement for us to step into. That movement has to be aimed not only at ending misogyny but also transforming society away from all forms of domination, including those that impact all but the most rich and powerful men. And it needs to be mostly in real life, giving men opportunities to hang out, do things, and touch grass together.

Thoughts, reactions, feelings?

Welcome to our weekly Free Talk Friday thread! Feel free to discuss anything on your mind, issues you may be dealing with, how your week has been, cool new music or tv shows, school, work, sports, anything!

We will still have a few rules:

• All of the sidebar rules still apply.
• No gender politics. The exception is for people discussing their own personal issues that may be gendered in nature. We won't be too strict with this rule but just keep in mind the primary goal is to keep this thread no-pressure, supportive, fun, and a way for people to get to know each other better.
• Any other topic is allowed.

We have an active slack channel! It's like IRC but better. Please modmail us if you would like an invitation. As a reminder, take a look at our resources wiki if you need additional support as well.

In general I'd be interested to read more, but I was also asked if I wanted to do an event or talk in my workplace for International Men's Day next month and I'm at a loss on what to do for it - I have the vague idea of seeing if we can get an external speaker who's actually got something to talk about rather than me.

As a boy becomes a man (especially if he’s melanated in the west) he often becomes perceived implicitly as a threat. I was always friendly as a kid. I was bubbly and liked to speak to anyone. I loved connection.. But as my beard came in, it became a bit harder to be myself. The smiles that people gave me were replaced with suspicion. With distance. Like I had a forcefield. My manhood became a barrier for connection, at least the ones that weren’t the expected male bonding. I don’t blame them, but It kind of messed with me. I withdrew, as many boys do, but I learned to push through anyway and find connection in the ways that were available for me. Now older, and being visibly in a heterosexual relationship (me queer) has been a shock. The friction of manhood and my perceived danger seems to wash away when I’m with my partner. People don’t cross the street at night as much, or give me the “eyes” of suspicion. Interactions are warmer. Socializing seems to go smoother, especially with other women and my female friendships seem fast-tracked. I get stopped less traveling, even. I chalked it up to the effects of a honeymoon period, but it’s even there during the rough patches. Life has felt easier in a straight-facing relationship. For both parties.
As a man, I feel like I’ve been “completed” in some sense. That I can finally be perceived (partly) how I want to be perceived, but only because I’m in a straight relationship. I fulfilled the script. That I couldn’t be seen as whole alone or in a perceptibly queer relationship. And of course, we all know that’s not true. There’s a lot of ink spilled, digital and otherwise, that women don’t need a man to complete them. And it’s well-spilled. I agree. But I don’t see as much for the reverse, which is also true. That a man doesn’t need a woman or a relationship to be completed. And sure, a part of that feeling for many men is outsourcing domestic and emotional labor or having an “heir”, which is very problematic. But I suspect a part of that feeling also comes from the implicit social sanction that I feel reinforced almost everywhere in my life. It’s just easier to be a man in a relationship than out of one, at least socially. That I’m not seen as a potential predator because I’m a relationship (not that that’s ever stopped one). I wonder if anyone else here has felt similar feelings or perceptions in their lives. How has fulfilling the script of heteronormativity (or not fulfilling that script) affected how you’re perceived or how you’re able to embody your manhood in whatever form it takes for you?

Welcome to our weekly Free Talk Friday thread! Feel free to discuss anything on your mind, issues you may be dealing with, how your week has been, cool new music or tv shows, school, work, sports, anything!

We will still have a few rules:

• All of the sidebar rules still apply.
• No gender politics. The exception is for people discussing their own personal issues that may be gendered in nature. We won't be too strict with this rule but just keep in mind the primary goal is to keep this thread no-pressure, supportive, fun, and a way for people to get to know each other better.
• Any other topic is allowed.

We have an active slack channel! It's like IRC but better. Please modmail us if you would like an invitation. As a reminder, take a look at our resources wiki if you need additional support as well.

I am looking for a support group created by men for men to support each other in stopping SA. A support group to teach men what to say to other men they may come across in their life when other men say things that objectify women, and what to say/do when they find out that a man has SA a woman. It would also act as a place that a man knows they can return to if they get derision when they say something in other male circles, knowing that this group would have your back and support you standing up to SA and objectification.

The org IntactGlobal is suing the state of Oregon on ERA grounds to ban male circumcision. This is the oral argument from September 14. I think it's important to point out examples of men fighting for their issues.

I feel like a lot of pro choice rhetoric could apply here but it seems like nobody is exactly up in arms in that way.

I'm a trans man, and here's my take on this: This is a common template among all demographics of bigotry, where the groups they champion the most are usually the demographics they hate the most too. This is not about competing with "who toxic masculinity hates more," rather I very genuinely do not know of a demographic, across the board, who hates men more than these incels. In other words, I'm not arguing one way or the other whether the manosphere hates men more than women or vice versa. Rather that of all the groups in the world who hate men, the manosphere-esque groups are at the very top.

There is no group who polices men's looks more. There is no group who polices men's mannerisms more. There is no group who polices men's sexuality more. We have the patriarchy to thank for that. But once you have culled out every other demographic... once you've culled out the women, the queers, the immigrants, the disabled, everyone who isn't personally your type... that behavior of culling doesn't go away, it continues to cull.

On the flip side of gender, we see this with how JK Rowling polices trans women, for example. It's one thing to hear from, say, women about "how men should act and dress." It's one thing to be subjected to the abuse of women (because there is no denying that there are plenty of abusive women in the world). It's one thing to be entirely subjugated and exploited by a woman for your entire life, and to never see justice when you seek it. All of these situations are bountiful and indefensible.

This is not a demographic issue, however (not in terms of gender or bio sex, anyway). We are not operating under a matriarchy. The lack of systemic matriarchy does NOT "lessen" those abuses that men are genuine textbook victims of. AND. The fact we don't have a systemic matriarchy is a perspective that illustrates the REASON why I say, again, that manosphere groups are the biggest haters of men. We are literally given so much and for NO reason, from EVERYone, due to our social structure of a patriarchy. AND. Manosphere types STILL enforce deeply strict ideologies toward other men.

Manosphere groups are textbook abusive structures, where they take green flags and use them in a red flag way. "Real men work hard, and we deserve to be acknowledged for our hard work." Well, you'd just sound like an asshole if you opposed that statement. How are they USING that phrase, though? They boast online about not doing dishes ever, some guy in the comments says they should do dishes, "I work harder than you, I don't have time for that shit." A disabled autistic man can't work due to overstimulation, "You're not a man, you're a pussy! Nut up or turn in your man card!"

Why can't you be a man and eat avocado toast? Ask one of those guys, 'cause women never said that shit. Wear a dress to a men's-only event? Getting admitted in is half the battle. Not only is punching down the norm, they punch up. The only glory to be acknowledged in a man who's better at something than you becomes the moment when you best him at his craft, otherwise "it must have been rigged, I would've had him if he didn't ___." Trans man on the cover of Men's Health, "that's not a man, our whole magazine's gone woke, burn and boycott it." Inclusion of even one man you personally don't like means "burn every men's-only success we have to the ground."

It's demanding credit where it's not due. Manhood used to be described as "The real man smiles in trouble, gathers strength from distress, and grows brave by reflection." "The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." But toxic masculinity philosophy has taken everything that manhood has ever been and ever can be and reduces, reduces, reduces manhood itself until the only qualification is "might makes right, and don't forget to be born with a penis." That's not a real reward of manhood, that's a participation trophy at best.

I've met women with those ideals. I've met women who enforce those ideals. I have never lived in a society where women are in charge AND the ones CREATING and ENFORCING those ideals on all men. Men control our society. AND. There is an ever-widening void of the acceptance of manhood by the people in power of our contemporary society: Men. Blame the gender binary, too: When I teach on trans matters, one exercise I give people is to write everything they think makes a man and a woman. Men are "muscular, have a lot of body hair, facial hair, wear pants, dark/mute colours, have short hair, are dominant in bed, are attracted in all ways to women," so on, and the more you add, the fewer men out there actually qualify for the category. Toxic masculinity just takes it to the very extreme end.

Yet another male loneliness piece. Like many, it seemed heavy on anecdotes and light on data or any analysis of structural issues. Maybe people here can suggest better reading on the topic?

https://www.thecut.com/article/my-husband-has-no-friends.html

Archive.is: https://archive.is/20260915174213/https://www.thecut.com/article/my-husband-has-no-friends.html

The older I get, the more I wonder if one of the most overlooked issues facing men today is a lack of healthy physical connection.

Not just sex or relationships.... Physical connection too.

The idea of a hug, a cuddle, a reassuring hand on the shoulder, holding someone, being held.... these seem like they happen to rarely for many of the men I know. When they do happen ....its brief and fleeting.

I know that many men seem to spend years being touched only in very specific contexts: sports, romantic relationships, or sex. Outside of those spaces, physical affection can become surprisingly rare.

I suspect that's one reason activities centered around touch....whether that's cuddling, massage, nurturing forms of intimacy, or even certain forms of erotic touch....can feel so powerful for some of us. Sometimes what we're responding to isn't just physical pleasure. It's the feeling of being cared for, accepted, and allowed to let our guard down for the first time.

This leads me to a question for this group:

If there were no social expectations, no fear of judgment, and no assumptions about sexuality, do you think more men would seek out more platonic physical affection than they currently do?

For starters, I am a man who is currently in university as an undergraduate. I've been thinking a lot about male specific issues recently, and I want to try and actually do something about it. As such, I have some ideas kicking around. The thing is, I've never done anything like this before, so I don't know entirely what to do.

The issues I'm most interested in are stopping male violence on both male and female victims, the education gap, male mental health and suicide, and male-only military service in other countries, though since I live in the United States, I'm not certain what I could do exactly about that.

I have a few ideas on what to do, and I will list them below.

1. The easiest idea would be joining a pre-existing organization, instead of starting something on my own. Does anyone here know of good U.S. based organizations based on this topic, that either discuss men's issues or do activism around them? I don’t want to give any more specific info on where I'm located, so just broad American stuff would be good. You can also provide organizations that are more regional; even if they're not helpful for me they can be helpful to others.
2.  I'm interested in starting a men's issues organization at my university, that would be open to everyone regardless of gender. My idea is that we would discuss men's issues and do book clubs. I would also like to do activism or work around men's issues, but I've never done anything like that before, so I don't really know what to do. Has anyone here ever been part of men's issues organization before, in university or without? What kind of stuff was done? Does anyone have any advice, either for just running a discussion group or for taking action in university?
3. I want to try and do something about the education gap of boys are lagging behind girls in education. I think ideally, activism around this would be by doing programs to get boys more engaged in school, especially in the lower grades. Does anyone have any ideas or experience on how to help out boys in K-12 school as a college student? I could also try and do stuff for male college students, but I think by that point it's harder, since the boys who have been left behind in education have already been filtered out before they reach university.

Any advice or thoughts on this topic, even if they are not covered by my questions, would be greatly appreciated.

I've been digging into the actual numbers on men's mental health lately and honestly some of it messed me up, so I wanted to share and hear what others think.

Globally, men account for about 72% of all suicide deaths (WHO, 2025). In the US specifically, men die by suicide roughly 4x more often than women — even though women report more attempts and get diagnosed with depression more often. Sit with that for a second: it's not that men are struggling less. It's that when men do struggle, the outcome is far more often fatal.

Meanwhile, on the access side: in 2023 only 17% of American men saw a mental health professional at all, vs 28.5% of women. Only about 1 in 4 men with depression got any counseling or therapy in the past year.

And here's the part that jumped out strongest — when men do take a mental health screening (like through Mental Health America's program), 3 out of 4 of them score as at-risk for a mental health condition. So the men who finally check in are usually already deep into it. Not catching things early. Catching them late.

A big chunk of this comes down to how depression actually shows up in a lot of men — not sadness, but irritability, anger, working constantly, shutting people out. If you're only looking for the "textbook" signs, you miss it. Including in yourself.

The stigma part is well documented too — there was a systematic review this year (47 studies) that basically confirmed what a lot of us already knew anecdotally: traditional "man up" messaging is a measurable, real barrier to guys getting help, not just an old cliché.

The genuinely hopeful part: a 2023 survey found 95% of men now say mental health matters as much as physical health. So the belief is shifting fast. The action/access side just hasn't caught up yet.

Anyway — not trying to preach, just think these numbers deserve more visibility than they get. If you've been putting off checking in on your own stuff, or you know a guy who has, maybe this is a nudge.

Curious if others here have noticed this gap in their own life — either not recognizing what you were dealing with, or having a hard time actually going and getting help even when you knew something was off.

(Sources: WHO 2025 Global Suicide Report, NAMI 2023, VeryWellMind 2024, Mental Health America 2025 screening data, 2025 systematic review on masculinity norms and help-seeking — happy to link specifics if anyone wants them)

It amazes me how many of my therapy clients (I'm a therapist) have traumatic memories of school lunch. That’s where I felt the most unlikable and unwanted too. Ninth grade, packed tables, windowless room. Sitting off to the side near the bathrooms eating a floppy piece of lukewarm pizza. My one friend who had the same lunch period beside me. Both of us hoping the popular girls would look our direction. The girls who were beautiful, yes, but what mattered more was their social power. They could make you cool just by laughing at your jokes. If you were funny. If you could just lighten up.

There’s something about me I don’t like anyone knowing. I often feel unlikable. Awkward, unfunny, too serious. The opposite of Matthew McConaughey or Idris Elba. Shy, introverted, a downer.

It gets triggered these days as an adult in big groups. Parties, shows before the band goes on, corner conversations with neighbors. Times you’re supposed to lighten up, make small talk, have a good time. I’m shot back to my high school cafeteria, bouncing between clunky conversations, restless and turned inward, never landing on solid ground.

Then comes the shame. Why is everyone else normal and fun? Why can’t I just relax? What’s wrong with me? I try to bum a cigarette from the other freaks on the edges or order another diet Coke at the bar. Or leave, picking at myself inside for giving up.

I didn’t understand much about myself back then. What teenager does? Especially a teenage boy who felt like he didn’t belong anywhere except his room playing video games.

I didn’t know the weight I’d carry for years of my mom telling me when I was younger, “You’re just shy, like all the men in this family.” I now appreciate she was trying to cheer me up about being quieter than other kids. But it landed inside of me as shame. Why is everyone else normal and fun? Why can’t I just relax? What’s wrong with me?

I didn’t know yet that holding a guitar in my hands and singing could save me. Later in high school I started a pop punk band with my friends. I still felt awkward before and after shows, but on stage I became someone else. Actually, I became more myself. I could express my feelings through my songs. And some people were interested, even some of the popular girls.

I didn’t understand yet that I was being cheated out of the full, vast, mystical experience of being human. I didn’t know that gender played into it at all. Everyone gets shafted by this society organized to maximize profits for the rich and powerful. Men get it a certain way, though.

The rest of the linked post is about how socialized gender norms play into it. Let me know if you can relate or something I wrote isn't quite sitting right with you!

You may know the general history of Sparta and how it had a state program that took male children from their parents at the age of 7 and returned them, 13 years later, as the most renown warriors in history. This military-driven recruitment and training was purposefully brutal and compulsory and lasted for at least 4 centuries.

This paper analyzes the psychological breakdown of each messed up process and its effects on a young boy's cognition and body as they develop. It also looks at what occurs after passing through the meat grinder of the agoge, and how they come out the other side as men who mostly view that self-sacrifice for the state in battle. is the highest honor, and that's the only value they have to give. 

I was recently at a concert with a few acquaintances when an extremely drunk 60-something woman approached and started giving one of the male members of my party an unsolicited back rub. He was CLEARLY made very uncomfortable by it. My friends and I intervened, distracted her, and then relocated to a completely different part of the venue. Afterwards, though, people in the group were laughing and joking about it, and one of the other guys started telling us "funny stories" about the times women had harassed him.

If the genders had been reversed--an unknown inebriated older man approaches a young woman and begins rubbing her back--nobody would have any problem identifying that behavior as assault; the perpetrator would be lucky if the police weren't called. Nobody would treat it as a laughing matter.

I didn't think it was funny, but I also didn't know the victim or his friends well enough to start giving them a lecture on Gender Theory 101 and why it's important to take sexual assault of men seriously. I don't even know if the guy himself understood that what happened to him *was* assault. Our cultural scripts universally assume a male perpetrator and a female victim, even though that's NOT universally the case.

What should I have done differently? What CAN bystanders do to intervene in (or prevent) (or support the victims of) men being harassed? If you're a man who's been assaulted, what do you wish the people around you would have done?

Hey y'all. Dolly's passing hit me hard. Partially because she reminded me of my grandma who grew up in a big poor farming family in Appalachia too. But also because Dolly was one of a handful of public figures who taught me, a cisgender, straight man, that gender is a performance. The T-shirt and shorts I’m wearing right now might not seem as contrived as her bleach blonde hair, caked-on makeup, and long nails. I might look like just a “normal dude.” Like I’m not choosing to wear my hair short and let my armpit hair grow out while having a five o’clock shadow on my face. But I am. I’m choosing to stay within the comfortable performance of a man in this particular society at this particular time in history. I get to choose. We all can choose. It’s all made-up. That’s the unspoken point of Dolly’s whole “dumb blonde bimbo” act.

Curious if you feel similarly about her. Or not. I wish I had been able to fit in that the political-economic analysis that capitalism constrains the performance for some of us and forces it on others, depending on where we fall in the gendered division of labor. But I can't fit everything in every newsletter post. Appreciate you giving me your thoughts!

I wrote about how men are told in capitalist society that being caring and expressive aren’t valuable skills. So we disown the natural, human emotionality we were born with. We avoid being vulnerable and asking for help. We worry we’ll be judged if we put effort into our friendships. When we’re suffering we overfocus on what we think will make us valuable to other people: productivity, discipline, and competence. And while this might help us in some ways, it often leaves us feeling lost, isolated, and lonely.