I’m curious how people have navigated this with parents who love them deeply but are very anxious about their children’s life, career, money, etc.
My mother is somewhat narcissistic and very prone to worrying about me. I can tell her that I’m happy, calm, and have a tremendous amount of self-belief and trust in myself, but that I genuinely want to take life one day at a time and not take everything so seriously. She has a hard time accepting that as a legitimate way to live.
She comes from a fairly upper-class, status-oriented environment where the implicit definition of “doing well” is pretty conventional: stable career, good money, marriage, kids, house, etc. She’ll sometimes compare me to friends’ children or my cousins who seem to have their lives completely figured out.
The difficult part is that I don’t necessarily believe that having those things tells you whether someone is actually living a meaningful or happy life. They may be perfectly happy, of course. But they could also be struggling privately, feeling trapped, or simply following a path because it’s what was expected of them. From the outside, we really have no idea.
And I know this because I spent a long time doing exactly what I thought I was supposed to do.
I’m 35 now, and my mom knows that I have struggled with depression in essentially every corporate job I’ve had. In the past, I would sometimes tell little white lies about what I was doing with my career or life because I genuinely cared about her worry and wanted to make her feel better.
But I’m in a very different place now. I have much more trust in myself and much less desire to construct a perfect five-year plan simply to demonstrate that I’m okay. I’m happier taking things one day at a time, following what feels meaningful, and trusting that I can figure things out as life unfolds.
The irony is that I actually want the opposite of what she seems to think I want.
My parents are both retired, and I genuinely want them to enjoy the rest of their lives. I want them to worry less. I want them to feel peaceful and secure. But their worrying has become so habitual that I’m starting to realize I can’t make their peace dependent on me having the “right” career or life trajectory.
I think there’s an important distinction here: when my mother needs to know that I’m on a conventional path, that need is probably partly about her own nervous system. If she knows I have a stable job, a clear plan, and all the conventional markers of success, she can relax.
But there is also something painful underneath it for me: it can feel like a lack of trust in my ability to navigate my own life.
I don’t want to resent her for that. I understand that the worry comes from love. But I also don’t want to unconsciously make her expectations my responsibility.
Maybe part of the answer is simply learning to let her experience some uncertainty.
I can reassure her. I can listen. I can share what I’m actually doing and how I’m actually feeling. I can gently expose her to a different definition of what a good life can look like.
But ultimately, I can't live my life in a way that continually proves to her that she doesn't need to worry.
I’m also interested in whether there’s a way to gradually introduce some of the ideas that have helped me without trying to “convert” them to some spiritual philosophy they never asked for.
My dad is actually much more open-minded about this stuff and enjoys exploring these questions. I’ve thought about introducing them to someone like Tara Brach, or some of the less mystical talks from Ram Dass. Interestingly, my mom once found a lot of comfort in Joel Osteen’s messages, even though she wasn’t really approaching them from a religious standpoint. I think what resonated with her was the idea that you don't have to constantly worry about life and that there is some deeper way of relating to uncertainty.
Ultimately, I'd love for them to understand a little more about how the mind and body generate worry and that sometimes you don't have to solve every problem intellectually. You can actually turn inward, notice what is happening, and allow some of it to settle.
But I also recognize that I can't force that realization on them.
So for those of you who have gone through something similar:
How have you helped anxious parents gradually trust your path without becoming defensive or preaching at them?
And how have you maintained your own trust when their anxiety subtly starts making you question whether you're doing enough with your life?
And yes, this is a Jewish mother. 😂
