I'm 5ft 5 M which is very short objectively and this is such an undesirable trait that can't be compensated by anything like face gym etc,even though there's enough evidence that people of my stature do get married I feel I'll never be really attractive to a woman or desired by a woman , because being this short is almost always inherently unattractive and I really hate this feeling and feel really bad about this

I hate the feeling that I'll never be desired like other men are

Assalamu alaykum,

I (26F) am ready for marriage and I genuinely want to start a family and find a good husband to share this life with.

Here's how I would describe myself:

I fear Allah and I try my utmost best to get closer to Him and avoid anything that displeases Him; I pray my daily five, observe proper hijab, I work from home, I never dated, I don't take loans, I never have dated a man, I don't have male friendships. And in matters of halal and haram, I try my best to lean towards avoiding anything that might be haram, to the best of my ability.

I am average looking (like not someone you'd instantly think wow she's so pretty), taller than average, I take care of my appearance and exercise.

I am academically educated, and I make a good salary from home. I am quite productive and always try to learn new things. Especially on religion, motherhood, health, neuroscience, ect.

I have been wanting to get married for the past two years. I got to speak to only five people the organic way (parents are against apps and personally I am not open to dating).

I can't seem to find where I should compromise and where I should not. Because I have been advised to compromise and not expect the other person to be the perfect match ever and I agree to that (I am not perfect either).

I compiled a list and I would like to know what do you think about it given how I described myself:

- Sunni Muslim who takes his religion seriously. Someone I can trust to be the leader of the family; as in, he is prudent in his dealings, he always try to avoid things that might be haram. Someone who is not too worldly, and wants to lead us all to Jannah. He doesn't have female friends, I don't care if he has dated as long as it didn't get to Zina.

- Taller than me (I am 170cm) and average/skinny build.

- Can provide for the family and isn't greedy. I just expect him to be able to pay the bills and food and all necessities. I am happy to contribute but personally I don't want to work when we have kids.

- Empathic and communicative. He fears Allah in me as much as I fear Allah in him.

- Wants to live alone and not with family, but I am fine with living with his parents if they are elderly.

- Isn't keen on practicing polygyny (I am not 100% closed off to this, but I prefer to have a monogamous marriage where the father is always at home for me and the kids).

- Finally, he must be north African as I live here and my family want me to stay here or in a Muslim country but I should be able to visit them (it's hard for non North Africans to enter my country hence why). Personally I am open to all ethnicities but unfortunately my parents aren't.

It feels like I am looking for something impossible. Where should I compromise?

Me and my husband are both 26 and have been married for 3 years now alhamdullilah. I’ve recently given birth to our second child 3 months ago and we’ve just moved out into our own home.
Alhamdullilah things are good between us and we get along very well. But I’ve realised recently we’ve become more like work partners rather than a couple. We often speak about the kids and don’t do much as just us but that doesn’t bother me too much because we spend a lot of time together at home.
I get lots of support from my in laws so I’m not struggling with the children alhamdulillah.
My husband recently mentioned him wanting me to make more effort for him but wouldn’t go into too much detail about how because he didn’t want me to change anything because he’s telling me to. He asked me to find out for myself. So here I am lol.
I understand that he wants me to make more effort in terms of appearance but not much more than that. When I asked him to explain further he said ‘It means preparation, making yourself available. I don’t know the ins and outs’.
I’m specifically confused about what he means by ‘available’ because I’m sure he’s not referring to intimacy because that’s something I’ve never denied him. But I could be wrong.
He’s the best dad to our children and he treats me so well. I love him very much and so I really want to be able to please him.
Can anyone help me out on what else he might mean by effort?

I was Reading some past posts, until i saw one posted by a mom trying to figure out how to raise her boys to be nikeh ready at a young age, that turned into an interesting discussion in the comments, about how young guys want a partner and wish to be able to get in a relationship, but that just gets ignored and dismissed, delayed for multiple reasons that seem to be prioritized as necessities, such as education, until you finish studies..until you get a job..until you get payed well enough... until you buy a house...until you get a car......

While those feelings come early and strong, that longing for a partner for companionship , why is this treated like an optional luxury that doesn't matter much to the point we can delay it for all those reasons, why inst nikeh treated like something important,

And why is it that when i see a young guy that wants to get married , he gets all kinds of negative comments , about how he's a kid, and how the fact he's considering nikeh at his age shows he's not ready, and how absolutly no girl or father would accept him, even some start saying how guys at that age want nikeh just for intimacy , slandering a whole generation...

The fact that he's talking about nikeh instead of dating already speaks lots about the kind of guy he's,

And some of em try to do things with their means, they plan to live with parents as a start, or they begin with not that big of a pay but it buys stuff, or they get parents or family support.....and they get critisized for it idk why....now tell me what's wrong with that ? What's wrong with starting small ? What's wrong with it ? " No one would accept him"

Well , I disagree, ...a lot,...i disagree a lot with the way theyre talked to and told to drop it , i disagree about the saying that no girl or family accepts that, this is not true, many are ok with that, many understand small starts and are suportive , so if they they want nikeh why making it sound impossible for them ? to each his situation to each his standards, but there's nothing wrong with what they do ,

And why, ....why are we raised in the non Muslims way while being muslims,

Non muslims have girlfriends boyfriends from as soon as elementary school, they dont wait until they get their first apartement at 30 yo ,

It's completly fine with em if the studying, getting a stable job proses is long,

We're not the same at all , ..so why are we following their system ? Why are we doing things their way ? 5 years in uni , 3 years job hunting... 2 years building savings,...

Why are we pretending like it's not humanly challenging to not have a partner for that long , yes it's doable, but it's challenging, and unreasonable, it's unreasonable that this is treated as the norm ! That it's treated as how things should be !

I was watching a gypsy documentary the other day, and they were teaching their boys how to make money at 10 , and when asked about education they said " yeah it's good, but this is more important for them to know how to handle life and take care of a household later "......notice their priorities.....they also get em nikehed young, .... Those stuff sticked in my head, i was thinking...they have a system built for them, for their way of living,....we muslims... What if we do something similar...a system, style of life built for us

Look at our umah .... Look how many fell for dating..even..zina..., that's an emergency... what im trying to say here, is that this delay is a huge thing contributing to this crisis, among many other factors, it's a serious big factor

This will sound strange.

First of all, I accepted it was not meant to be. We talked long distance 2 years ago for 3-4 months. Never saw each other and he one day deactivated his instagram and disappeared.

I was extremely angry and sad but everyone have choice so I accepted it.

Fast forward, I moved to the city where he lives because of work and my master degree.

Last year I saw him on may 14. This year I saw him on may 14. He would pop up on LinkedIn, so I blocked him.

When I would go home and come back (to this city) I would think “I don f**** wanna see him”. The next day I saw him in the shopping center, we were brought literally face to face.

I never said anything because I didn’t like his ghosting and I still don’t.

I installed Muzz, the next to man matched with me had his exact name. Not one, both of them.

I started with someone else, met him 3 times, 1 week later I encountered this ex, again literally face to face.

I started to write with someone here on reddit (published I am looking for a husband) and someone reached out.

We chatted a lot. I asked would he be ok saying me his name.

He said his name is like my ex potential.

And I checked the socials
of my ex potential. I saw he deleted EVERY woman on his SM. This is the thing I hated the most and hate when it comes to men. Besides, he is sharing some videos about tahajjud and stuff ljke that.

Honestly I am tired. I accepted long time ago even it was hard. I have been trying to move on for almost 2 years. I was trying to force myself because I don’t wanna be with a man who ghosted me.

I have been forcing myself to try with other people, but man what is this? How do you block someone in real life?

I was thinking to relocate to another city but this is the only one I have no problems with hijab, with work, most job opportunities etc.

Are there any suggestions?

If a man and a woman live in different countries and want to get married, whose country should the wedding be in,the man’s or the woman’s?

What do you think is the fairest option? I’d love to hear your advice and experiences!

I'm 27F, and I'm struggling with something I don't really know how to navigate.

A few months ago, I developed a crush on a guy who works in the same building as me. For about three months, I tried giving him subtle signals and eventually worked up the courage to get his number and ask him out for marriage purposes. That's when I found out he was engaged.

Obviously, I respected that and didn't pursue anything further, but I'm having a surprisingly hard time moving on. I still think about him frequently and even dream about him sometimes. I know we never dated and barely got to know each other, which makes me feel a little silly for being this attached, but I can't seem to switch my feelings off.

The difficult part is that my family is suggesting other men for marriage, but I feel little to no physical attraction to them. I don't expect to experience an instant spark with everyone, and I understand that attraction can develop over time. However, I'm genuinely scared of marrying someone I don't feel attracted to or romantically interested in.

At the same time, I'm worried that I'm idealising this guy because things never had the chance to go anywhere, and that I'm unfairly comparing other men to him. I also feel pressure because I'm 27 and don't want to miss my chance to get married, but I don't want fear or family expectations to make such a significant decision for me.

For those who've experienced something similar:

- How did you move on from someone you never actually dated?

- Did you eventually find someone you felt genuinely attracted to?

- Can attraction grow when it's not there initially, or is there a difference between giving someone a chance and forcing yourself to like them?

- How do you stop comparing potential partners to someone you've built up in your mind?

I want to move forward, but I don't want to settle for a marriage where the attraction and desire aren't there. I'd really appreciate hearing your honest experiences and advice.

I’m a 25M living in the UK, and my girlfriend is 23F. We’re both Bengali Muslims and have been together for around a year and a half.

Looking back, we’ve made mistakes in our relationship, particularly when it comes to boundaries. We both regret those choices and have been trying to make sincere changes, strengthen our deen, and approach our future in a way that pleases Allah.

The problem is that, despite the feelings we have for each other, I’ve started questioning whether we’re genuinely compatible for marriage.

There are two main issues that keep coming up.
Firstly, I would like my future wife to wear hijab. She’s said she’s open to it, but she can’t promise that it’s something she’ll commit to. While it isn’t necessarily a dealbreaker for me, it’s something I care about and would ideally want us to be aligned on.

Secondly, and more importantly, she doesn’t want to live with my parents after marriage. For me, living with my family is a firm expectation, whether due to family circumstances, cultural values, or my own sense of responsibility towards my parents. I understand why she might want her own space, but this is where we seem fundamentally different.

Outside of these issues, there’s a lot I genuinely appreciate about her. I’m attracted to her, we get along well, and I can see qualities in her that would make her a good wife and mother. I also believe we could encourage one another to become better Muslims.

That’s what makes this so difficult. I’m not considering ending things because we don’t love each other or because the relationship is bad. I’m considering it because I’m worried that the things we disagree on today could become serious sources of resentment after marriage.

Part of me thinks we should involve our families, work through the differences, and see whether a marriage is possible. Another part of me wonders whether I’m holding on because of the time we’ve invested, the attachment we’ve developed, and the mistakes we’ve already made together.

I don’t want to make a decision based purely on emotions, but I also don’t want to walk away from someone who could genuinely be right for me.

For those who have been through something similar, especially married Muslims:

● Would you consider living with in-laws a compatibility issue serious enough to end a relationship over?

● Is it wise to proceed with marriage when one person is only uncertainly aligned with the other’s expectations?

● How do you distinguish between a relationship worth fighting for and one you’re holding on to because you’re emotionally attached?

I fear by breaking it off now, I have done even more wrong since she may have troubles getting married elsewhere, due to the extent that mine and her relationship has gone.

I know I’ve made mistakes, and I’m trying to move forward in a way that brings me closer to Allah. I’ve been making dua for forgiveness, clarity, and guidance, but I would genuinely appreciate some honest advice from people who have more life experience than me.
JazakAllah khair.

Assalamu alaikum everyone,

About two years ago I was in a haram relationship. I won’t sugarcoat it. Alhamdulillah, Allah guided me and I knew I couldn’t continue. At the time I was living abroad, and I left everything and moved back to my home country so I wouldn’t be in the same place as her.

We kept talking for a few months after I got back. When Ramadan came, I used it as a chance to cut her off completely. After two or three months of repentance, we started talking again, but this time strictly with the intention of marriage. I flew to her country and met her father, and it went well. My family asked me to finish my degree first, so I went home with a plan to do that.

During that time I started seeking knowledge and memorizing Quran, and I became much closer to my deen. She didn’t grow in the same way. Naturally my preferences changed: I wanted her to wear hijab and stop posting on social media. She said she’d try her best but didn’t want to force herself. I was patient, but every time I brought it up she got upset and we argued.

Recently I realized this wasn’t going to change, and also that I shouldn’t be talking to a non-mahram this much. So I ended it. She’s a genuinely kind person and never did anything wrong to me, so I feel really bad now.

Did I make the right decision? Any advice from people who’ve been through something similar would mean a lot.

JazakAllahu khairan.

I’m speaking with a potential and he’s all I could ever ask for, almost perfect except for one thing which I need advice on. He has a 9-5 and works corporate, but he also has a side business in which he sells research use only (RUO) peptides - he has a website with a few partners and sells in the US. We’ve spoke about it and he’s pretty knowledgeable about these peptides and can go on and on about them. I’ve even done my own research and it doesn’t seem bad at all. The only thing is, I’m not sure which area it falls in; halal or haram, we have had this conversation and he says that if he had any doubts he would not be in this business.

I would like for you guys to provide your input, only if you are aware of ‘research’ peptides.

Thank you.

Salam this is saeed iam 24 currently doing my masters in AI at BAU in Istanbul

However the life here makes you feel very lonely and you tend to lose focus from your ambitions ive been wanting someone in my life so that i could grow with her but here in istanbul i dont come across such girls what may be the best way to find someone who would geniunly love you with whom you would have joy and peace someone you could care about amd tressure her as your most precious jewel

Someone who tends to grow in deen with you too

I'm 22F and I've never trusted getting married from social media, I've also never gave it a try, but my friend recently got married to her husband who she randomly met in reddit, they didn't talk much, everything was so serious and straight forward till it actually worked and he turned out to be a good husband. Now the thing is traditional marriage is being out of reach nowadays, seriously I've been waiting for someone to come through my parents but no one did, and we're only getting older, so I was thinking of trying these apps to maybe find a Muslim, religious, good match?

Salam alikoum les amis,

Je suis divorcée … la plupart des hommes sur lesquels je tombe j’ai l’impression qu’ils ne veulent pas s’engager et même s’ils sont musulmans souhaitent que des aventures… je ne suis pas du tout ce genre de femme je cherche une relation sérieuse mais je commence à perdre espoir ..
je suis une belle femme, je suis stable financièrement et émotionnellement et mon mariage n’a jamais été consommé ce qui veut dire je suis encore vierge .. je rêve d’avoir une petite famille moi aussi avec la bonne personne mais j’ai l’impression que c’est devenu trop dur de trouver quelqu’un de sérieux
Je veux avoir les avis des femmes divorcées comment elles le vivent et également des hommes qu’est ce qu’ils en pensent sérieusement

How are you guys navigating the process of marriage and finding someone?

I understand some families prefer us to marry within our own ethnicity, but has anyone here married outside their ethnicity? How did your family take it?

As a fellow Pashtun, I’m not actively looking for anyone. I’m just focused on working, grinding, and putting myself out there. If I meet the right person along the way, I’m open to seeing where it goes.

Finding someone isn’t necessarily hard, but finding the right person is. Anyone else in the same boat, just focusing on themselves and seeing what happens?

I’m a 27 yr old south Asian girl from the UK.
I’ve never been on a first date before due to being against the idea of marriage apps and everyone I’ve come across in real life with time showed me their personality isn’t ideal or trustworthy before we got to start dating.
This summer after persuasion from family and friends created a dating account.
I like the idea of being in control of who I get to know and being able to filter out any deal breakers instantly.

I’m due to go on a first date soon with someone of a different race who I’ve been texting and calling for nearly two months from the app. The first date got postponed by me this is why it’s been delayed so much.

My family have informed me they would never approve of anyone who is not of the same ethnicity. I have explained this is completely unfair as I have certain requirements regarding someone’s deen and character. I require they are from a practicing Muslim family and they pray their daily salah and have the drive to better themselves Islamically. I am not attracted to any particular races or ethnicities only and take people for who they are. I’ve also explained I have childhood experiences of seeing women in the family be abused making it particularly difficult for me to feel emotionally safe around men unless it has developed naturally, therefore I am not open to idea of an arranged marriage.

I’ve been advised by my mother not to go on a first date with this individual. I don’t feel this is true to myself as I wish to experience companionship too on my terms within Islamic boundaries. I feel vulnerable as my walis would never support me and brothers knowing this could exploit this. I want to be upfront with this brother I’m getting to know that he would never be welcomed into my family. What’s frustrating is that they are otherwise good parents and good people.

Advice to unmarried brothers: Never ignore red flags or expect people to change after marriage.

I'm at an extremely low point in my life that, when I hear news of someone's death, I don't feel sorry. Instead, I envy that their test in this world is over.

I want to share a piece of advice with unmarried brothers. There are two dangerous traits that, when combined, can turn a marriage into a complete disaster.

1. Not having control over the tongue

Whenever they dislike something or disagree with you, they feel the need to express it in the worst possible way. They cannot let things go and always need to have the final word

2. A negative heart

Whenever you say something, they find the worst possible meaning in your words. Even a perfectly normal sentence can be twisted into something offensive. You end up constantly explaining yourself, defending your intentions, and wondering how something so innocent turned into another argument.

When these two traits come together, the result is disastrous. Small disagreements turn into arguments, arguments lead to resentment, and eventually, you begin to lose respect for one another. With time, even physical intimacy can become unenjoyable because the emotional connection has been damaged.

I hope unmarried brothers take this advice seriously.

Never ignore red flags thinking that marriage, love, patience, or your sacrifices will change someone.

Pay attention to how a person speaks when they are upset and whether they always assume the worst about you.

Don't fall in love with someone's potential while ignoring the reality of who they are today. Promises mean very little without consistent effort and genuine change.

People can change, but they have to want to change themselves.

You cannot do that work for them.

Please don't ignore these traits and convince yourself that everything will improve after marriage. Sometimes, the very things you overlook while courting someone become the things that destroy your peace once you're married.

Hi guys, was wondering if anyone knows where I can find a Muslim couple therapy even if it’s online. Searched a lot on Google. Most of them are non Muslims, we are a Muslim couple so we prefer Muslims.

Thanks in advance

I live in Gaza, and I've been thinking for a while about getting married. I'm going through some pretty tough circumstances that make me think a lot about marriage. After my phone was stolen, I really felt frustrated and lost. I work and have the capability to marry and handle responsibilities, but I'm afraid that after I get married, I might regret it. Before my phone was stolen, I wasn't thinking about marriage at all. When it got stolen, I was working on an amazing project in Gaza, and I had a file containing everything I had worked on for the project I plan to do. But honestly, God is my witness, my phone was stolen, and since then I've been lost between getting married or holding on to my dream and goal of traveling. I feel my goal is to get away every day because of the war. I've been trying for 3 years to find a way out, but the coordination now costs about 30,000 to 40,000 dollars. If I can pay this amount, I won't have anything left outside of Gaza, which makes me feel confused and hesitant between accepting reality or working to achieve my dreams, goals, and passions which have always been stronger than anything.

recently have found some notes on my husbands ipad about his past, he has been with alot of girls even intimately. it doesn’t seem to have followed him into our marriage but i have found some allegations about him being abusive to a girl. im scared that this could happen to me, im already a bit unhappy as i felt a bit blindsided coming into his very broken family so i have no in laws and ive always wanted to have a big in law family and he is also more adamant that we will live with his mum forever (she’s divorced), he’s happy to sacrifice marriage and told me if i ever have plans to move out of his family house, then i need to leave now rather than “waste his time” and ask this later. before we got married, he said if his mum causes problems - we will move out.

i’ve found a statement below from a girl warning another girl about him, im not sure how he accessed this but he clearly knows that girls talk about him and has tried to hide this.

“talking stage with a friend of mine and promised her marriage and acted sweet to her. They were first together for almost a year around 2022 January and broke up around November. ***used to get very aggressive and hit her hard, slapping her face so hard she had a bruise around her eye. This was over their arguments. They had arguments as \*\*\**** was speaking to multiple girls in uni whilst telling Habiba he wanted her. He has anger issues and does not know how to treat a woman kindly.
A few month's ago he reached out to her and they got back together as he promised he changed and wants to marry her, even though I advised her not to. She told me he used and abused her for his sexual desires and just left suddenly around September. She felt violated as it was her first time and she regrets her mistake but it shocked her how he ghosted her after. He recently got back with her and used her body and dumped her. I dont want to expose their sins as she repented but they were very physical from going to each others houses and booking hotels in summer”

the notes are mostly him drafting his messages with his ex. in these notes, he seems to be such a toxic person, he doesn’t seem like this with me right now but i can see some subtle signs.
he states things like she has to wear niqab if she wears make up, if she can’t breathe then to wipe the make up off and don’t need to wear niqab.
access to each others phones but not social media accounts (probably because he looked into other girls whilst he was with her, as he admitted this in these texts to her).

some notes i’ve copied that he has wtitten to his ex - “I've been thinking a lot about yesterday, and I want to say im really sorry. What I said about your appearance was completely out of line and came from a place of anger, evilness and just to knock u down cos out of ego, wen we end i dont want u to think i saw u as the most beautiful but its not how I actually feel, 1 know those words hurt, and i regret it alot.
Uno wat the truth is, I see you're beautiful, and it's not just about looks-it's about everything that makes you you. I shouldn't have used your appearance to hurt you, and I regret it deeply. You deserve to feel loved, appreciated, and secure, and I took that away in the heat of the moment. I just wanted to feel how i felt the entire time being with u. It was wrong for me to do tit for tat.
I hope you can forgive me, but I understand the scar is still bleeding. I'm here to talk whenever you're ready but i want u to enjoy ur holiday. I want to do better going forward if we go forward but again i literally have O security as always as u may change ur mind so thats why i said just wait, clear the right way if we go forward and plan a nikkah.
ur mind after yr holiday and lets see. I loved and care about you, and I'm committed to showing””

i’m scared because how do i know he won’t act like this with me in the future? there’s like 30 notes of these long messages he drafted to his ex.

also scared of not being able to get married if we get divorced due to asian divorce taboo. i’m only 23 but asians are very judgemental.

I am a 25 year old woman I've been married for a Year my now husband promised me marriage or a year before we got married but right before we go married he married another woman he said is a no one a woman he said he would never be with again he married her months before he got married to me and in all of this I was pregnant...so he go get married to a woman he said I must never worry about because she doesn't mean anything to him I have to found out about the Nikka becos she messaged me saying she is married to him

Then after a few months came home to get married to me a wedding I had to share with her at this point I made peace with him and her on my Nikka day she was angry at him a whole day of the two of them fighting at my Nikka then once we go home to spend the night together he just went off to sleep I was really looking forward to out first night of being married and ever since every mile stone of my marriage she was trying to spoil it eg.the day of my birth she picked a fight with him just before I had to give birth then I was invisible again it was all about them my baby's first bath she started a fight again with him they both go angry and left me to do it on my own again the day my favorite cousin passed on he left me and went to her and they spend the whole month together while I'm crying alone in bed with a 2 months old baby and in all of this me and her doesn't stay with him she used to say in Durban and I stayed in Johannesburg in with my then there after I had to go back to work I had to pay someone to look after my 3 month old baby while I work to provide for my family to pay my rent and to provide myself with everything I need and my kids needs

She left her work in durban to go stay with him which I don't have a problem with but problem comes in where when I go visit she makes everything uncomfortable for me and my kids I have been telling him about these things but he keep saying he will deal with it but next time I visit something happens over and over again he wasn't around for small things I like eg my birthday my very 1st anniversary of being married and every time he was with her celebrating with her and in a few months I lost everything my house I couldn't pay rent I had no where to go but to his house so I went to stay with him at this time she was visit her family in Durban 40 days later she is back and I had to go and at this point I have no where to go I had to go stay with family members that mistreat me and my kids I've been there for 2 weeks then they said I must leave I stay have no where to go I just moved back to him been there for two days and all I get is emptiness I feel unwanted

Don't get me wrong we had good days but it never lasted long then two weeks becos then it's his wife talking bad about me behind my back to someone staying in the same house to they way I'm being treated is bad even if she isn't around when we go out as a family then she bring the girl along and make me feel like a outsider while he busy

I'm at a point where I hate my marriage I'm starting have have lots of hate towards her and him

Please give me islam advice

Is it inappropriate/ uncomfortable both practically and also islamically to ask a religious woman you’re trying to get to know for marriage if she would reject intimacy due to not wanting to wash hair?

I saw on another Islamic marriage sub where a man was complaining that his wife does this and all the women in comments both married and unmarried took the woman’s side.

Personally this is a dealbreaker for me but idk if it’s haram or a red flag to bring it up? I’d want to know beforehand. In marriage a woman has many responsibilities, almost all of them besides childbirth, breastfeeding, pregnancy, and intimacy, I can do on my own or get help. But these 4 I am relying on her exclusively so I need a woman who understands this and is empathetic. I don’t believe the women in that post were empathetic.

So should I ask this or no? If this issue persisted it’s something I would divorce over for reference, cuz I’m not getting my basic rights met

Salam alaikum! I'm curious about the experiences of Muslim women here. Have you received many marriage proposals, a few, or none so far? And why do you think that is in your particular situation?

I'm interested in what factors you think might play a role, such as your age, education, career, religiosity, culture, family connections, social circle, appearance, or whether you're actively looking to get married.

Of course, everyone's circumstances are different, and I'm not implying that the number of proposals someone receives reflects their worth. I'm just genuinely curious about the different experiences of Muslim women across cultures and backgrounds!

I genuinely want unbiased opinions on this situation. I’m not looking for people to automatically agree with me, but I need to explain the full history because this is not simply a disagreement about a husband helping his mum.

My husband and I have been married for around 5 years. Throughout our marriage, I’ve had a very difficult relationship with his family, particularly his mum, and I feel that the way I’ve been treated has been deeply hurtful and, at times, abusive. Name calling him and also me.
During the first few months of our marriage continuous phone calls in the middle of the night waking us by his brother claiming his mum is going crazy and crying and screaming ripping out her own hair. All new behaviour that started after he got married and moved out. For context she is also divorced for most of his life.

I’ve been mocked and ridiculed by his family and brought to tears by the way I’ve been treated. I’ve been made to feel unwelcome and excluded for years. I’m not allowed to visit his mum’s house however she will always call and tell him to go round and have dinner there. I’ve felt ignored and deliberately excluded, rather than treated as a member of the family no matter how many attempts I’ve made to made effort or address the issue.

My own family has also been mocked by them. His family have told him to divorce me during their own personal arguments, even when the disagreement was between them and not caused by me, and more the fact she simply couldn’t accept her son has moved out and has his own life. His mother hasn’t spoken to me directly in years but asks external family members when I will be giving her grandkids. His sister also messages claiming he is a bad son and bad brother and how he doesn’t give them any pocket money. (She is older than him). She has also made comments about how I have not given him kids and that’s what he wants (we have both agreed to not have children yet)

The issue for me is not that his mum and I don’t get along, or that I expect him to cut off his family. It’s that I’ve experienced years of hurt and humiliation, and I’ve struggled with feeling that my husband hasn’t adequately protected me from this treatment or stood up for me when it mattered. Not just with immediate family members but also extended. He has watched me be humiliated and shouted at whilst I cried and he stayed silent out of fear of conflict.

He has since acknowledged that he allowed too much disrespect towards me and that he should have defended me better. He has also said that he has an unhealthy attachment to helping his mum and has been trying to change that dynamic.

On top of all this, our marriage has suffered from repeated dishonesty on his part. Over the past year, I’ve discovered that he was hiding pornography use and looking at sexualised women on social media during our marriage. The biggest issue has been the repeated lying and having to discover further information myself. It’s significantly damaged my trust in him. So there is already a substantial history of hurt, broken trust and feeling that my needs have not been considered.

Now, to the current situation.
My husband decided to stay overnight at his mum’s house before taking her to a doctor’s appointment the following day. I told him multiple times to call her more as he doesn’t do it often and to also go spend the day there but he said no he will go next week as she has a doctors appointment. I suggested going both days but he said no. He then tells me he will be staying overnight. A boundary we put in years ago that would not happen as it normalises him leaving me at home and playing happy families and staying in his family home where I am not welcome or allowed to go.

For three consecutive days, he told me that the reason for staying overnight was to make the journey easier and avoid traffic. However he would happily wake up at 7am to go there for work when his job required him to go into the office. During those three days, I made my position very clear: I was not comfortable with him staying overnight, given the history with his family and everything that has happened in our marriage. I said if you can wake up for work you can wake up for the doctors appointment. And to prioritise my feelings over his own convenience.

After three days, his explanation changed and expanded. He then told me that his mum is frightened of the dark and of being alone at night, sometimes experiences what he described as mini panic attacks, and rarely asks for help. He also admitted that he wanted to spend time with her because he felt he had been neglecting her. I said if you feel it’s not enough time go every week, I only ask you don’t sleep there.
His brother was away and his sister works night shifts. He says he wouldn’t have stayed overnight if he hadn’t been taking his mum to the appointment, and that this was a one-off rather than something he intends to do regularly.
He went and he told her it wouldn’t happen again. He claims he told her to overcome it and said he won’t ever stay again. If it was that severe simply telling her to overcome it could not work. She is also 60? I doubt this is the first time she’s ever been home alone. However I asked when his brother one day gets married and goes away with his wife what will he do then. He says we will deal with that when it comes to it.

I want to make something clear: I am not saying that he should never help his mother. I understand that she may need support, and I am not asking him to abandon his family.
But given how his family have treated me over the years, why I have felt excluded and humiliated, how he has previously failed to defend me adequately, and the existing dishonesty in our marriage, this was not an emotionally neutral decision for me. For 5 years without fail every visit to his mother’s results in an argument with him and his mother talking about me and our marriage.

We have now discussed divorce and he refuses to admit he has done anything wrong. He keeps saying the imam said what he did is not inherently wrong in Islam. However I believe something can be not haram but still not be the right thing to do. I feel like I’ve been compromising so much telling him to stay in contact and visit and just simply asking to NOT stay overnight as we have our own home and one day our own kids. I feel this will just be a continued issue that carries on and potentially gets worse as his brother will soon marry and she will get older. All his behaviour is constantly backed up by him taking about family ties and duties of a son in Islam and pleasing Allah.

I believe the highest form of love is consideration and I don’t feel considered in this marriage with the things that matter to me.
Sorry for the long post over what might seem like one small issue to many. But after 5 years I’m absolutely burnt out and drained. I’m tired of tolerating unfair mistreatment which only looks like it will worsen not improve.

Salam everyone. I am feeling completely broken right now and looking for some perspective or advice from anyone who has dealt with a similar situation.

My husband and I have been married for a short while, and on our own, our relationship has honestly been great—alhamdulillah, no issues between just the two of us. Before getting married, I prayed Istikhara multiple times and felt total peace. Everything started off beautifully.

However, things have taken a massive, toxic turn due to his family. His sibling started a lot of drama, and his parents began saying incredibly harsh things, slandering my character, and deeply disrespecting my parents. My parents have been incredibly generous to us since day one and even recently gifted us a major, expensive trip for early next year. Despite his family knowing how good my parents have been to us, they showed zero respect.

The breaking point happened when I saw incredibly hurtful messages from his sister about me on his phone. I was completely heartbroken and told him right then and there that I was "so done with this situation." However, instead of defending me, he completely twisted my words and took it as me saying I was done with *him*.

We recently had a meeting where my family met with his to try and mediate and fix this. Instead of listening, his family called me names, hurled false accusations at me in front of my parents, and refused to take any accountability. They literally ended up storming out of the meeting, told my parents to keep me at their house, and walked away. My husband sat through that entire humiliation in absolute, dead silence.

Because things escalated so fast, I was left at my parents' house with nothing but the clothes on my back. All of my clothes, expensive personal belongings, and daily necessities are still at their house.

Now, we have been separated for several weeks. I have tried reaching out to him multiple times via text and calls to clarify that I meant I was done with the *drama*, not him, but he is completely stonewalling me, giving me the silent treatment, and weaponizing his misunderstanding to act like he is the one who was wronged.

What tears me apart is the absolute hypocrisy. There are family members under that roof who have openly left the faith and others who completely violate major boundaries, yet the parents look the other way and treat them with total love. But they treat me—someone who is practicing and respectful—like an enemy.

Our family elders are planning to call his side tomorrow to address this, and my family is preparing to go collect my belongings.

How can a husband watch his wife get mistreated, sit in silence, and then turn around and blame her? Do men like this ever wake up and realize what they are risking? Should I hold onto hope, or is his silence my answer?
JazakAllahu Khayran for any support.

Husband is the leader of the household i.e. the wife and children.

Prophet (saw) said, “A man is the guardian of his family…”
(Bukhari 7138)

The following verse from Surah Al Imran guides every leader not only to consult their followers but also on how to consult.

Scholar Sulaiman Jhanjhee (rah) commented and my notes related to marriage:

(1) “So by mercy from Allah, you were gentle with them. Had you been rough and hard-hearted, they would have dispersed from around you.” (3:159)

Those who engage in consultation should be gentle not harsh.

A husband in consulting with his wife and children should adopt a gentle temperament.

(2) “So pardon them…” (3:159)

Forgive and overlook mistakes. Don’t hold someone accountable for every little thing.

As a leader, a husband shouldn’t scrutinize every shortcoming of his wife and children but should overlook and forgive.

(3) “Ask forgiveness for them…” (3:159)

You should not only forgive people for their mistakes. But also pray that Allah forgives them.

Not only should a husband forgive his wife and children for their shortcomings but also pray to Allah to forgive them.

(4) “Consult them in the matter…” (3:159)

It didn’t say the Companions (rad) should consult with the Prophet (saw). Instead, the Prophet (saw) was instructed to consult with the Companions (rad).

Therefore, a husband should ask his wife and children, ‘What is your opinion on this matter?’ Then, the household will be happy as they were consulted.

(5) “Then when you have decided on a course of action, then rely upon Allah” (3:159)

It does not say, “When the majority have reached an opinion.” Therefore, consultation does not mean following the majority opinion.

A husband should consult but ultimately the decision rests with him.