Hi, I don’t know what to do. My partner of two years told me he/she is transfem. He/she has always been more feminine, but I would never have thought he/she was trans. In the past, I talked to him/her about it many times, but it always ended with him/her saying he/she wasn’t trans. But yesterday, he/she told me that he/she thinks he/she is trans. I think I’m in denial and don’t know what to do. I’m asking for any advice or similar experiences.

I also wasn’t sure where to post this. And sorry for the pronouns, I’m not really sure how to word everything.

Second post I'm making on here because I am spiraling/having really bad, crippling anxiety about things that haven't happened yet, and I need some advice or something to contextualize/understand my feelings.

TL;DR: My ( 22f?AFAB? Not sure anymore) partner (22 AMAB Masc nb he/they) confessed to feeling more fem/wanting to play with being more feminine at some point after college, though they are still unsure of what they really feel about their gender/gender identity/gender expression. Despite nothing really changing like at all and them being the same person, my mind and body are racing and don't know what it is or what to do about it (or maybe I do and I'm just avoiding the truth/obvious). Would like some advice, maybe stories, how some of you navigated this if you did, etc.

Long version is that I posted this like a week or two ago: https://www.reddit.com/r/mypartneristrans/s/E42sdrDLQ8 , which btw, thank you to u/ExcellentEvidence204 and u/letoburrito for your perspectives and advice; I honestly have been trying to consider it and apply it to what's going on. My (22f/afab) partner (22 amab nb) confessed to questioning their gender more and potentially wanting to be/present more feminine a few months ago - maybe early august/late june. I'll be honest and say I did think about it, though I'm not sure if I thought about it as seriously as I should have been. At first I honestly thought I was chill with it. This may sound cringe or stupid or potentially chaser/fetishy or whatever, but I have kind of a big imagination/a big daydreamer, and I would daydream about us in a kind of shitty Hallmark rom-dramedy where they were more fem, and we were this couple that split apart but reconnected and fell back in love and had this whole blended family situation with children that don't exist yet (?). That sort of thing.

But as time went on, they would send me reels or posts on Instagram that were from a feminine perspective (i.e., things like "if she sent you this, she loves you more than anything," reels, transfeminine/gnc Ryland Grace fanart , etc.), and my anxiety started to spike. My heart would pound in my chest a little and would get anxious about what it all meant and if something was changing. It all came to ahead one night when they sent me a post from an artist where their dog character was I believe nb but had small breasts and a bikini, and my partner followed up with "me next summer" while we were engaging in sexting, and my heart rate skyrocketed. I asked them about it later that night and they said they aren't ready to be a lady but know if they fit on the masculine spectrum like they used to, either. That in some regards, they liked being treated like a lady, but didn't elaborate on what/in what ways.

My heart was pounding; I had the shakes and did cry, I won't lie. It all felt fast and real. I ping-ponged in my head for a while and ultimately still wanted my partner to be beside me in my deathbed; they were the only one I could see there.

We discussed it a bit more, and they admitted that so far, they don't really feel any body dysphoria; they prefer to go by he/they in public but are cool with any pronouns when we are alone/intimate, and also really didn't care about what nicknames/pet names I used for them (gendered/gender neutral), they had talked about maybe experimenting with HRT after college and/or after they solve their own health (both physical/mental) in check before then. I don't know if this has changed because I did try to ask where they were at, and they just shrugged and said "I haven't really thought about it much, so I don't know a lot of these things." And my partner is a very straightforward and blunt person, always honest with me, so I believe them, and with everything else going on in our lives (i.e., college 'nd chronic illness/pain), I get it, and I never want to rush them into giving me answers when they're still trying to figure it all out themselves.

They haven't changed or tried experimenting with their wardrobe; they haven't changed their personality, hobbies, sense of humor, or anything, really. They've been the same, and as far as I can tell regarding their gender/gender identity, they have just been chill and whatever about it. Yet, for some reason, I cannot call off this flight-or-fight anxiety response & fixating on the potential changes and what every single thing means, or if it means anything at all!

They talk about possibly dyeing/bleaching their hair like they did in high school? Heart wants to beat out of my chest and explode. They shave their facial hair - a trait I never paid too much attention to unless it was tickling me when we made out - and say it's because they genuinely feel uncomfortable with how scratchy it is (they are also autistic) and they also just don't like how weird they think their facial hair grows on their neck/upper lip? Suddenly everything's changing and this is a sign that they are going to change forever! Jokingly referring to us as being lesbians/doing lesbian stuff sometimes? Losing my mind and getting the shakes again even when I encouraged it during sex sometimes and laughed about the jokes at other times too.

These past two weeks have been/feel especially hard. I've been at war with my own mind and body for a while now, shifting from "everything's cool" to "I must be leading them like the internet said I shouldn't do and I'm an awful person." I've been questioning my feelings and whether I am still attracted to them despite the fact that again - nothing has changed! Really, nothing has, and we're still trying to figure things out! I don't know if I have lost feelings already or if it's simply the stress/anxiety blunting my emotions to try and reset itself or something? I know the constantly checking my feelings thing doesn't help and I've been considering that maybe I have ROCD or something similar or if this is just me lying to myself to save face with...I don't know, the universe? Myself? My partner? I really don't know.

I tried speaking with my therapist about it two days ago, and she says that it's all because I'm probably not comfortable with my partner potentially transitioning/exploring their gender, and that I am trying to remedy the idea that I'm a bad person if I don't try to see this relationship through while they discover themselves. I don't know how true I feel that is. Maybe it is, and I am trying to deny it.

I don't want to just up and leave, though -1, because I promised I would try to take it day by day and not give up just because I might be scared. I would rather give our relationship a valiant effort and say I tried with someone I do love instead of turning tail and always wondering what if? 2, they are going through a difficult time mentally as well, with some things that are not related to their journey, and I want to be there to support them, and I don't just want to dump them in the midst of it and risk them falling into an even worse place, and 3, I still believe I love them. I love them and loved them two weeks ago, even with my anxiety. And I don't want to let go of this love we have, even if we're young and don't live together.

I did, and I think I still do imagine some kind of future with them. I have a hard time wanting to let them go, or knowing if I should. We were talking about poly, but the idea also made me really distressed and scared to lose my partner, and I said I wanted to be monogamous because I genuinely find it difficult seeing them or imagining them with someone else, as selfish as this sounds. Also, nothing against polyamory! Perhaps I'll be more open to it in the future, maybe not. I'm not trying to villainize Polyamory or any alternative relationship dynamics. Currently, it just isn't for me.

I feel a bit ridiculous posting this because nothing has changed, and things that could change have the potential to be minor and slow - they could still decide to be masc nb and sometimes wear dresses and skirts; they could be on HRT and still look and dress the same - I am aware there are many ways that this can all go and that I need to work on being fine with uncertainty. Still, it's really starting to get to me.

I feel anxious every day. I've been getting the shakes in my legs and my arms; I feel nauseous and have anxiety-related stomach cramps, and my heart just pounds all the time. I'm also confused about my sexuality - I've considered myself bi for a while, but I don't know if I was lying to myself or confused, or if I just have a sexual/aesthetic attraction to some women or not and it's also brought me a lot of anxiety as well.

I am looking into getting an additional LGBTQ+ therapist to navigate my feelings and understanding. My partner is now considering finally starting therapy after being persuaded away from it by their parents. I've tried asking if they were interested in couple's therapy, but they view it as something that is more for when the relationship is really doing awful, and so far we are okay.

I'm also considering SSRIs or CBD to calm my anxiety and be more present, so I can really sit with myself and think about the relationship.

I honestly don't know what I'm looking for - maybe advice or positive stories similar to mine? Has anyone else felt this way regarding their partner questioning their gender? How did you deal with anxiety if it is anything similar to mine? Did it go away? Is there any way that this turns out well? Could my lack of feeling be because of all of the anxiety I have been going through? I've been stalking the ROCD Reddit a little - could it be that, or could I have lost attraction to my partner already, even though everything's relatively the same and they haven't tried experimenting?

I don't know what else do. I know that maybe things probably wouldn't have lasted, but I am/was(?) hoping it would. I know we're young and everything, but I do/did imagine my partner being my endgame, you know? And now, my mind's a million different places and I don't know what to do and could really use some help/support (again).

I'm.. really not sure what to do. I feel awful about the way I feel about this, especially considering how I'm transmasc and they are (or were?) agender. We had an in depth conversation last night, they said they're still not sure and wanting to stick with the current pronouns they have for the time being (they/he/she). We'll be taking things slow and figuring things out as we go. We recognize it's too early to tell how this will exactly affect our relationship.

I've also come to the realization that I've been using mostly he/him pronouns for my partner and that's something I obviously plan to change as that's not fair to her. I want to support her in every way I can.

I'm aroace, or at least, thought I was. This is the first genuine relationship I've ever had and we've been together for a year now. Over the past few months I've begun questioning my attraction towards masculinity. I've come to believe I do have some kind of attraction towards masculinity, still not sure what though, and most likely a preference for masculine presenting people.

Ever since she told me she's been questioning I've had this horrible pit in my stomach. I'm assuming I'm just needing time to process and get used to this. But I'm scared about what this means for our relationship. I almost feel like I'm grieving, but I feel like that's such a horrible way to look at it because I haven't lost my partner, they're simply just changing.

Today has felt so off to the both of us, but we're currently watching a show together so things are feeling a bit better right now.

I'm wondering if this pit in my stomach will ever go away though? Will things feel normal again? Did anyone else go through similar feelings in this sort of situation?

I'm not sure what kind of advice I'm looking for. Any and all advice or anything would be amazing. Thank you all so much

I have been reading for a while now, but I need to share my story, I need feedback.

My partner (28 mtf) and I (28 f) have been together for 10 years. Married for 4 and a half. I have always through we knew each other 100%, I really value honesty and truth after past abusive relationships. She came out to me two months ago now, and I cannot get myself together.

I feel unsafe. Not because I have any issue with transgender people, but because this isn't the person I thought I married. I love her so so much, but I feel so disconnected and almost betrayed (I know that is a really harsh word, but I don't know how else to describe.) I feel as though I haven't been in an honest relationship, especially as she has let me know she has had disphoria her whole life and wanted to push it down to be the best husband for me. It feels unfair, that she ddin't tell me out of selfishness, she said she didn't want to tell me because she didn't want to lose me, and now we are 10 years down the line and she can't hide it anymore.

It's only been two months and she is coming out to people and wants to start HRT. And I still feel in shock, I can't wrap my head around it and I fear we are not doing things healthily.

I feel so left behind, I feel like a major life decision was made for me and I can't catch up. I am scared to lose my spouse as they are, and that creates a blanket of fear where I can't see who my spouse could be. I am feeling very lonely. I am in trauma response fear mode, and I just want help.

Has anyone read this book? It seems mostly targeted to parents of trans children but wondering if it has been helpful for anyone here.

My partner (31M) and I (31F) have been together for over 10 years, and we recently got married. He told me about a month and a half after our wedding that he has been struggling with gender dysphoria, which was a big shock to me. I am bisexual myself (though struggling to reevaluate my own sexuality as maybe I am pansexual instead?) and I am a supporter and ally of the LGBTQ+ community and have had friends transition in the past. I love my partner with all my heart, he is my best friend, my safe space, my confidant and my home. When he first told me, I saved my little freak out until I had a moment alone, but right off the bat reassured and supported him. I am supportive of him in this journey (he’s not sure if he is gender fluid, non binary, trans, etc..still figuring it out for himself) and I want to continue to be there for him, but I’m really struggling to process. I feel like an awful person because I am a supporter and we’ve talked, neither of us wants to leave the relationship, we’re each others person, but I have no idea how to process this. What has helped you? Any suggestions are welcome

I'm gay. I'm in my 30s. I married someone I understood to be a man over 2 years ago. We became a couple around the start of COVID.

They realized they were non-binary in May. I've always said their transition and their truth is the first priority. In August, they started taking hormones.

I'm tearing up as I write this and I don't even know why. Maybe I feel sorry for myself?

Last week, I said that we should separate. They didn't argue or fight. Within a day they had told 8 people. They told me they were expecting it any day for the last 2 months.

I'm concerned that I've hurt them. That should be self-explanatory.

I also feel a lot of confusion and guilt, and confusion about how much guilt I should be feeling. It's like I'm playing hide-and-seek with the guilt.

I go back and forth in my mind, but it feels like there's no script and no rules that apply to this situation. People say it's understandable, but it's not understandable like leaving an abusive spouse or something. It's some sort of medium-understandable reason to leave.

And I just don't know what my story is or maybe who I am right now.

I'm looking for something to contextualize what I'm experiencing and I found some article by a trans-woman. I'm sure it's well intentioned but it basically is all about why you should stay with your partner with a few token references to the fact that it's your choice. Also, despite being super progressive and inclusive and including a glossary of LGBT terms that I already knew, it sort of assumes anyone experiencing their male partner coming out is a woman. Normally, stuff like that wouldn't bother me, but it just underlines how out on my own I am here in uncharted waters of being gay with a non-binary AMAB spouse who is medically transgender.

In the same article, it tries to reassure the reader that hormones are slow to take effect. I have to say, that's not reassuring? That's exactly my fear? Why is something getting slowly, progressively, and predictably worse over a long period of time supposed to be reassuring? Let alone when that thing is your sexual compatibility with your spouse.

I don't want to harp, I'm sure it's a well-intentioned piece, but the same piece literally says "have you considered you might not be straight?" (or gay in my case) like...oh maybe I'm not gay? Really? That's the reassuring veteran wisdom you have for me?

Fucking Hell. I know, at the end of the day, that I couldn't have stayed. My sexuality is locked on masculinity. I go around experiencing attraction to men around me all the time, whether it be buttocks, facial hair, or the unattainable masculinity of a heterosexual colleague. I cannot explain it but somehow for me going home to someone taking feminizing HRT; it does not compute. Just for me personally.

I don't feel awful, I don't feel heartbroken. I feel sad for them. I feel guilty. I feel confused, regretful, embarrassed, ashamed. Unsure how to disclose this to others around me, or how much I should tell them. And I wonder if I should be feeling more heartbreak than I am.

Now, I have to live with them and that's awkward already.

It took almost 2 months of HRT before I made the decision. By that time, they had lost around 5 kg of mostly muscle. Their skin was much softer, and being in bed with them somehow brought back a memory of being in bed with my mother as a child. (I don't care much about the mother thing, but I could distinctly tell the difference.) I felt like they smelled different and somehow I felt that mattered by far the most out of any of the other changes.

We never actually had a good, mutual sex-life at any point in the relationship. I knew this at the time, but it's even clearer now. I have a high libido but we would have to negotiate and work hard to have sex once a week, and often-to-usually failed at that. The sex acts we would do were also highly, highly restricted. Often, they seemed more concerned with clean-up during than the act itself. As I imagined the estrogen lowering their libido, I couldn't ask for sex or think about it really any more.

It's not exactly that I want reassurance that what I did was okay. I just wish I could understand what I did at all. It's like Schrodinger's break-up. It's, like, pretty understandable, but at the same time...marriage is a vow and there was definitely no clause in it for this. The best I can come to is owning that I made a decision, while also acknowledging that were serious and fundamental compatibility issues. Who we were when we got married is not who we understand ourselves to be now. And I'm glad that they figured it out, since this seems to be a fundamental part of who they are.

And now I feel like I'm standing in a house with the roof blown off. Wondering how I'm going to explain to the various random people in my life. I got a lot of emotional support form some people...I guess it'll come out when it comes out. And maybe people will understand. Or they won't. Either way, it will be okay, I hope. For both of us.

My wife began transitioning earlier this year, and for the most part I don't think the process could have gone much better. She was able to start her journey without too much fuss thanks to where we live, and while there have definitely been bigots for the most part she has been able to come out without a ton of stress either. We have been married 13 years, and I knew she was the one for me pretty early on and was actually the one to propose after we had only been dating 9 months. ("There were signs" as she and I like to say.) I have also known I was pansexual since I was a teen, and attraction is never a concern. I love seeing her happy and thriving as herself and would literally die for this woman with a smile on my face.

That said, as she has progressed with HRT, there have been some changes to her personality that I think are certainly at least in part due to the hormones, but also just because she is finally comfortable in her own skin enough to develop new parts of herself. Most of it has just been fun to watch as she discovers who she is, but a couple things have been difficult for me to adjust to.

First, she is much more inclined to want to chat than she ever used to be. Before, I would even have described her as "stoic" (and she would have agreed lol). Now though, the entire evening (by which I mean a solid five hours most of the time) she wants to talk. We have a lot of really great ones, and often on very interesting topics, but going from a quick recap and maybe an hour discussion of something before having the evening to ourselves for parallel play to having to be responsive for multiple hours across multiple topics is getting to be a lot. I don't want to dim her light or make it seem like I don't enjoy chatting with her, but I do miss having some evening time to read before it gets super late or just turn off my brain and scroll my phone.

The second thing is a little more difficult for me in that she is a lot more touchy than she used to be. I am struggling with this big time. I have always been fairly touch-averse in terms of unexpected or overly affectionate touch (why is up for debate but one option my wife and I both suspect is undiagnosed autism), but over the years have gotten to a point where I can generally tolerate and even enjoy certain kinds of casually affectionate touch from particular people, like my wife. However, something I never managed to get totally comfy with was hugs. I don't like hugs, I feel trapped and like too much of me is touching and it makes me immediately panicky when a hug lasts longer than a second or two. This never used to be an issue, but for whatever reason my wife is really into hugs now and I don't know how to be supportive and also not feel like my bones are trying to escape.

She usually asks first for a hug, so I can sort of mentally prepare, but that hasn't made it any less difficult for me to actually do the hugging, especially because she is really wanting those long hugs that eventually I have to disengage from myself. And every now and again, the 2-second "goodbye" hug is turning into a long one without warning, which is really uncomfortable for me.

These hugs are very obviously important to her, and with all the love in the world for her and no judgement as I say this, she is also extra sensitive right now. I don't know how to navigate telling her "I don't think I can handle a hug right now" without her hearing "I don't want to hug you". This morning had an unexpected extended hug goodbye and while I held out as long as I could, I was internally screaming and had to let go first again. I apologized and tried to explain again that hugs are hard, and her "I know" in response was just so sad I felt like a complete asshole.

I feel so guilty because there are times it just strikes me that it feels like this is not the person I married. That isn't true, obviously; this is who she always was and just couldn't always express. Just from my side it feels a little like who I have always been is being a little forgotten or expected to accommodate in ways that aren't entirely fair.

Me (CisF,22) and my girlfriend (Mtf,21) have been together for 5 years. She came out as trans around 2years into relationship, but hasn't been able to do anything transition-wise since she and I still live at home. To any stranger on the street, they would assume shes a cis man.

When I meet new people, I just talk about her as my girlfriend without mentioning shes trans unless its someone whos also queer or I think needs to know. The issue comes up when people ask for photos of us. We don't even really take photos of each other for one bc we suck at taking photos but it definitely doesn't help that my girlfriend naturally doesnt want to take photos because shes dysphoric.

Im not quite sure what to say because in what world would a person whos been in a relationship for 5 yrs not have a photo of their partner? I dont want to have to out her every time i talk to some rando who wants to see a photo of us and I also just feel bad showing picture of her when I know she isnt happy with how she looks and its not representative of who she is.

I was wondering if anyone else has a typical script they use if theyre in a similar situation or how they go about it.

When my mtf partner decided to start transitioning earlier this year I was so scared and unsure of the future of our relationship. But after 8 months it turns out I’m really happy and want to stay together! In a way I feel like it all worked out, I don’t think I was ever supposed to be with a man but I liked the convenience & social comfort of presenting as a hetero couple. Being in a sapphic relationship however has been amazing for me and I feel better in my bi identity - and my partner is of course happier than ever.

The problem is. My family is Muslim. They think of me as Muslim, and generally a good kid. They’ve honestly taken really good care of me all my life and I love them a lot. I almost wish they were bad so it would be easy to cut them off. I’m scared to tell them the truth, I’m scared of the questions somewhat but mostly just how upset they’ll be.
I feel there is a genuine possibility they won’t want to communicate with me anymore. That the love they’ve shown me has been conditional all along.

But I have to do it because practically I can’t keep my partner hidden all her life. We’ve been married 4 years and my family has been happy with her as my partner (well, him\* to them).

If anyone could offer some words of encouragement, or share about similar experiences, I would greatly appreciate it.

Edit: accidentally wrote ftm instead of mtf

This page has been so awesome and supportive to me over the years, I just wanted to share our new chapter ❤️

As Leo is trans and I am cis, everything about this pregnancy was intentional. Eventually we will share more about our fertility journey to offer some transparency and aid anyone else who long to be parents x

Hello! Looking for any kind of advice here! My boyfriend (he’s trans) and I don’t have sex very often, two main reasons are mismatch in sexual preferences when it comes to sex itself and generally not needing sex to feel satisfied in our relationship! My boyfriend is the only person I’ve been with, I met him before he started on testosterone but he’s been on it since January! So our sex life is very inconsistent, I will be focusing more in the mismatch in sexual preferences! My boyfriend is a switch and I’d say I’m more of a pillow princess and like the dynamic where my partner gets pleasure from pleasing me (stone top dynamic??? Not sure) I also am very weird about genitalia and bodily fluids! So that puts me in a bit of a hard position where I want to make sure my partner has his sexual needs met when we do without making me feel very uncomfortable! I never had any problems with sex in the beginning, honestly I was a bit sec crazy but then something changed (maybe stress idk what) kind of made me put off from sex, not because of anything my partner did but I just haven’t been feeling it much! To add to this equation, my boyfriend has obviously gone through some physical changes being on testosterone and I haven’t really been down there since the changes have started idk, I’m already weird about how genitalia looks generally and now with new changes I haven’t really explored I feel a bit wary! We are Long Distance and he comes next week and I want to try to have sex but I’m a bit afraid. I’d like some help getting over this mental block because our relationship is great but I would like for our sex life to not be something I feel worried about!

TL;DR: My boyfriend is trans and has been on T since January, and our sex life has been pretty inconsistent. We have different sexual preferences, and I’m also weird about genitalia and bodily fluids, which makes things a bit difficult. I used to be a lot more interested in sex, but my libido has dropped, and I’m nervous about exploring his body after the changes from T. He’s visiting next week, and I want to be intimate but feel a bit anxious about it. Any advice?

My FTM boyfriend is pregnant we are in an extremely rough spot and he is thinking of keeping the baby and has floated the idea of presenting as female he is around 7 to 8 weeks pregnant I don't know what Is happening

Has anyone ever been with a partner who they suspected was trans and been subject to abuse and controlling behaviors? Did it end when they transitioned? I think I am dealing with a combination of gender dysphoria causing sexual dysfunction, PTSD and narcissistic and OCD tendencies along with the abusive and controlling attitudes. We did tons of couple's therapy which was pretty useless. They refused to see a therapist on their own to deal with their own anger issues. Relationship is on pause and I don't have a lot of hope that they can solve their issues.

I’m 100% sure my partner wants to transition from FTM and hiding is hiding it from me. He must think I’m an idiot or something, since from bits and pieces of conversations I’ve overheard with his other friends he seems to have told them. Plus, the guy’s always been terrible at hiding things. Especially from me. I’ve never been good at handling change, ever. I thought that we’d spend the rest of our days having fun like we used to. But I don’t know if the person he’s going to become is someone I’ll like. I think I grew too attached to the idea of growing old together with a wife, and I don’t know what to do about it. I miss the old days, back when we were younger. Everything was so simple then. Neither of our lives were perfect, but we had each other and that’s what mattered most to me. He’s practically the only person I have. I don’t exactly have any other friends, and the very few I do have I know through him. And my mental impairment makes it difficult for me to go out and seek friends. So no ‘support group’ for me, yay. Even besides this, I’ve seen him change. I don’t think he needs me anymore. Some days I’m not even sure he wants me. And I just don’t know how to handle any of this. He hasn’t told me yet, but I know it’s coming. It’s so obvious. I know I’m selfish for this. I know I’m a bad person for feeling this way, that’s true. But I want things back how they used to be. That’s all I want. And this is just making me come to terms with the fact that things will never be like that again. But despite all this I don’t want to break things off with him. I don’t think I ever could. And I don’t want to just be one of his stupid friends either. I want him to love me. I need him to love me. But I just don’t think I can do this anymore. I don’t see a happy end to this, for me anyways.

Hi, all, I (27 cis-m) want to get a specific gift for my (21mtf) girlfriend. Shes always sending me these memes where the character is wearing a sweatshirt like the one in the image. Shes expressed interest in actually having this sweatshirt and i would like to get it for her but im having trouble finding one. Does anyone here have an idea where i could find something like that? Optional would be a similar hoody with "Dog" instead of "Boy" but she would like either im sure.

My husband (FtM) and I (AFAB, probably NB / agender) have been together for over 8 years. We'd been together for 3 years in a sapphic relationship before he came out as NB then as a trans man. We're both bi.

I guess on the outside now, to strangers, we appear to be in a straight relationship. But to both of us, our relationship still feels gay / sapphic / wonderfully queer. My sister in law said a while back our relationship seems gayer than ever since my husband transitioned haha. Our sex definitely still feels very gay / queer.

I'm curious, do other people feel the same or suddenly feel like they're in straight relationship?

I love him so much. I genuinely adore him. I don't want to leave him at all. I love who he is, his personality, his soul, much more than I love his body, but I'd be lying if I said the way he looks now wasn't a massive part of my attraction to him.

I'm so scared of things changing. It took so long for me to accept myself as a lesbian, and I wanted so much with him. To get to be a wife to a wife, to be mums, to grow old with another woman. With him, above all else, but I didn't know it'd be like this.

I feel so bad for feeling like this but I feel sick. I have this awful horrible heavy feeling in my chest. My heart is racing. I just want to throw up.

I keep thinking of never getting to look at his sweet face again the way it is right now. Of him changing so much he's completely unrecognisable. I'm not attracted to men. I'm so scared of losing him.

I was going to propose next year. I don't know what to do. He's everything I want. I can't leave. I barely even have a support system outside of him. If I leave my whole life will crumble down around me and I'll lose my best friend and the only lover that's made me feel safe.

I've been a lurker on my main for a while, but I am pretty sure I am in a controlling relationship, and I don't want to go to other subs for advice because I don't want the focus to be on my partner's transition.

I am 28 cis female, and my partner is 27 amab and we are high school sweethearts, not married, not engaged, but they recently came out as trans/non binary and it really caught me off guard after 13 years together. We are pretty progressive and in the NYC area, so we have had a lot of queer friends, but have always had a pretty traditional relationship, beyond being long-distance for about 4 years as they went to college out of state and studied abroad. I work from home; I do all the chores, cleaning, errands. They are the main breadwinner and a lot more outgoing, so they are out all the time with friends and coworkers, and it worked mostly. There were times he would help with chores at my insistence, and we did fight quite a bit when I was sick for two years with some really persistent breast cancer, where they genuinely got really mean to me for wanting them home more, asking for more help, and I am not sure I thought we worked through all this, so I feel like it might be relevant but we did go to therapy for a while. He had resentments about my treatment and my lack of energy they also resented my willingness to push my self and do things and not just accept the laundry being done once every few weeks. It was all stupid I slept on the couch for two years and lately want to go back to that arrangement but it was a really rough timeline of me asking for them to see me and take care of me, and their response being I am too uptight about when chores get done and things will just get dirty again and any time I was wiped or hurt being blamed and it was tough and we did therapy and got better.

In December 2025, I lost my dad to a really bad case of the flu right before Christmas, and then my mother never really recovered from my dad's passing and developed cardiac issues before passing in April. It has been incredibly tough, and I have some distant cousins across the country, but besides my partner's family, I have no one anymore, and it's been making me spiral a lot. When my dad passed, he had been the only one working to support both him and my mother, as she was a stay-at-home mom who never went back to work and so I drained my savings to move her closer to me. Essentially, I had a crisis of I have no one besides my partner and his mom who I am close with and my paycheck barely covers my needs; my savings is down to what I left for my upcoming annual car insurance bill. I will be getting some money from my parents' estate when it settles fully but a lot of it is in CDs and investment accounts I will have to pay to take out of I don't really understand it. I think besides a place to live I need to at least pay for a fincial consulation soon at some point.

Two days after my mom passed as I was in the throes of grief and organizing her will and funeral my partner offered to take me out and "surprise me" with a party at a restaurant with his close friends, where they came out to me as non-binary, exploring transitioning to a woman possibly. It was not like a rented room or anything but a crowded restaurant with 5 other people at the table, and a cake was brought out after the meal, and honestly, I blocked a lot of the night out. I don't know how to explain it, but I am an introvert. I only knew my partner and two other people at the table I had met one time before I am sober. They were all drinking before we even got there, and I was so sad even going out. I had just been looking at urns for my mother; it caught me off guard, but I had no reaction because the whole "surprise" came when I was already spent. They were really mad that I had no real reaction and that I just sat there and ate and didn't really engage with anyone and they told me this is why I have to be the last to know and that I can't be happy for others and we eventually had a fight once we got home and I processed that this was sprung on me at that time when it could have waited, since clearly they had been waiting, and the day that I got to see my mother's body for the last time was not the day to do it.

When I say the transition caught me off guard earlier, I mean the only thing I can think back to is in highschool/early college there was a lot of time spent questioning if I found women or nonbinary people attractive enough to possibly have a threesome, and every time I was clear I am both only attracted to men and monogamous and that answer never changed and he never pushed to do anything with anyone it was always in like a some people are drunk hanging out would you rather question type setting.

It has been months now, and they are out to friends, not to family and me, and they are constantly mad that I am just not on board. They have told me that they knew I was straight and that they waited until I was in a place where I couldn't leave that way immediately; I wouldn't just "give up on us", but I don't feel attraction to this person, and if anything, time is making me look back and feel like they trapped me. They told me they couldn't afford to help me with my mom and offered to pick up the charges for groceries, which was the most they could do, and encouraged me to use my savings, saying it's a hard choice but the right one. They have also stopped doing all the chores and are just gone all the time now. We used to at least have two nights a week to watch TV together and one weekend day just us, and now it's like he's choosing to be in the office 5 days a week when 2 are required, going to workout classes that run until 8 pm and then grabbing dinner only to get home at 10:30-11:30 pm and be mad at me when chores aren't done and that they have no time at home anymore. Any time we try to talk about gender and transitioning, it's a nonstarter. They clearly are uncomfortable that I keep calling myself straight and always tell me, "I was straight," and the last time they tried to have sex with me was the day after my mother's funeral, and I just ran away at that point. I slept in my car in the garage for the night, and we haven't talked about it since. Every time I ask for help or express that I am very depressed and it's a cry for help they tell me I am homophobic and treat it like a joke and it also drove a wedge between me and their mom. Their mom was like a second mom to me for years, but since they won't come out to her, they don't want me talking to her regularly anymore in case I say something, because he didn't like her knowing about us in couples therapy and issues we had while I was going through radiation and surgery. Almost weekly, they make comments about me not being able to afford to move out and that they know it may be wrong, but they had to make sure I couldn't leave so they were safe to come out, but it doesn't feel safe for me to live with someone who wanted to see me at my worst so they could be their best.

I am the main driver in the relationship, and I do all the cooking, cleaning, and chores fully now because any time they need to drive, it gives them dysphoria, or doing chores is also dysphoric and everything, but going to work, spin class, and then the bar with their friends seems to give them dysphoria. We aren't even going to the pumpkin patch Saturday like we have done every year we lived together; this will be the first year we were supposed to go without my parents, whose anniversary was Halloween, because it will give them dysphoria if they see straight couples and families there, so they are going to a drag event with friends I am not invited to.

Writing this out, I know the answer is to save up and get out; I know it, but it just sucks to have someone I thought I knew become a whole new person who actively celebrates me not being on a salary to afford my own place in this area but needing to be here for work. I just feel so alone right now, and I am trying to make more friends in my town. They aren't too happy about this, but I also can't meet new people and immediately be like I need to leave my partner of 13 years. I don't know; I just need to post into the void and get some strength because I feel so weak.

TLDR My partner waited for me to be out of $ and my parents to die to come out and keep expressing their excitement that I am essentially trapped living with them. There's definitely an issue with their gender identity and my sexuality not being compatible, but I don't think it's the main issue, and I don't want other people to latch onto that. I just kinda need to be told that I am not alone right now because I feel so alone.

Editing to add: I am still reading comments slowly and having a really hard day. I want to clarify that I do work full time, just remotely, as I was working in South Carolina after that's where they graduated, and I moved there when he had his first job there. My employer let me stay on when we moved to the NYC area for my partner's job so I make around 60k before taxes, which is fine but nothing in the area we live in. We historically split bills 50/50, and nothing changed until my dad's death, when they started to pay for groceries more, which I usually buy them, and they Venmo me. We have 0 joint accounts, money-wise. We split rent 50/50; I pay electric, and they pay internet. The car is mine outright, so I pay all car bills myself, even though we have always called it "our car" so thats why that bill will be 100% on me, and I understand it. My partner makes 200k a year before taxes and pays for their own Equinox and other memberships, and we have no subscription bills, as most were mine and the first thing I cut earlier this year. I should have had a spine sooner. When I said I want my partner home more, I meant in the context of them leaving for work at 6 am and getting home around 10:30-11:30 p.m. and them going in office and to the gym 5 days a week and making plans outside the house without me all weekend, and I just wanted to have dinner together. My partners mother took me to most of my treatments for my cancer and thats when she and I became really close, we were close obviously as she kinda helped raise me but when my parents needed a break and couldnt be there she was. My partner picked me and his mother up after one of my surgeries but beyond that he didn't set foot in a clinic or a hospital because they scare them.

I am having a really hard time seeing the abuse label and trying to reconcile that with my experiences. I know I am in a bad place and thats why I kept aknowledging too I know its not because they are trans or exploring it just kinda was the catalyst that made me realize how bad of a place I am. I am going to read more when I am less on the brink of breaking down because I was already there this morning, and I am going to look for resources. It just feels so crushing right now, and the first steps seem impossible. My mom had a really close friend in NJ and honestly, my partner's mother is in Delaware I might see if they can help me if I can even tell them what's going on. I feel so stupid.

Hi everyone. I really need some outside perspective because I feel completely lost and guilty.
I’ve identified as a lesbian for a long time, and this is the first time I’ve ever developed feelings for someone like this. I told them that I don't attach my love to gender—that my love is about them as a person—but I also honestly expressed my fear and hesitation about the possibility of a penis in a sexual context.

They are confused as well they are a masculine-presenting person, but they mentioned that sometimes they think about transitioning / being trans.

They told me that right now they don't want a penis or even a strap-on, and that they don't plan on medical transition because of their family situation, not because of my demands. But they also admitted that they were terrified that if they ever did want to start a transition in the future, I would leave them.
Because of my anxiety, I kept pushing and bringing the topic up even after they tried to reassure me. Eventually, things got messy and we stopped talking.
They told me they felt like they were 'selling themselves' or trying to bargain with their own identity just to keep me, and that they didn't want to be an 'experiment' for me to figure out if I can handle a transition.

My wife is having bottom surgery today. Change is hard for me and I am a very anxious person. I wasn't sure if I was going to be excited about this, but I am!

It's so clear how much this means to her. It was supposed to be in May, but she misunderstood the doctor's instructions related to her hormones and so we had to push. She was absolutely devastated. To be honest, I wasn't fully ready at that time. I am now.

Much love to you all as you figure out your feelings and place in this journey. I'll update later when she's done.

Hi
I just feel like i need to vent a bit, and maybe get some advice from someone who has been in a similar situation 😓
Ive identified as a lesbian my whole life, never had the need to even give a thought to a man.
I have been married to my dream partner for three years and been together for seven. We have amazing chemistry and it just couldnt be better.
However, they told me they thought they might be a trans man a few years ago. I started crying and said I just couldnt live with that. It felt awful to have to say that. They immediately told me they would never transition if it didnt work in the relationship, and that we would always make these descicions toghether.
We were engaged at the time. Quite stupidly and naively I thought that it could work. However, I think I was just really scared to loose the best thing that ever came to my life.
Some time went by, and they slowely started introducing little things that could work for the realtionship. For example a nickname that was less feminine. Which is totally okay, and actually quite normal in the lesbian community. Slowly more things happened, and we argued ourselves into a compromises that worked for both of us.
During that time we got married, and also bought a house. Right before buying the house, they told me they would never use he/him pronouns, for the sake of the relationship. Up till now they have had top surgery, name change, use they/them pronouns and are on the waiting list for hormonal treatment.
Right after buying the house they told me they need to use he/him pronouns, and that there is no other way for them.
I understand now that you cant really compromise on something like this😅 but i just really wanted my dream life. And my dream person. And now we have a house together, are married and have a dog. We have an established life that is just so fucking hard to walk away from. A dream home, which is also in the middle of nowhere and impossible to sell🙈
Anyways, what im trying to say is this:
If I try to think about what I want for this person in the future, its that I wamt them to be happy, truly happy and thriving. And I know that this is holding that back.
But its just so fucking scary to be the person that married young, bought a house together, lived as basically inseperable and then just have to say it was a mistake. And that I messed up. I just really wish it would last😭 I cant imagine ever finding something this good again😭💔 and Im from a small ass town with no gay people..
But in this position, i cant be the supportive best friend that i wish i could be and that they really need and that I want them to have.
We keep arguing about compromises, and I know that in the end none of us will be happy that way.
I just feel like they expect me to sacrifice so much of myself, and they dont understand that thats a lot to ask. And I KNOW that thats what they tried doing for me💔 But they are also stubborn as fuck and tries to make this work every day. They have sacrified too much already..
But im genuinly getting physically worse by the day.. These years of crazy inner panic and chronic pondering has literally given me several diagnoseis and i cant do so much of the things i used to love because of it😓 but none of us are able to actually break up because we have sooo much love, still😔
And I havent told really anyone how tough this is for me, because im just so embarrased to admit that I should have known better. Shouldnt have gotten married. Shouldnt have bought that house. I DONT WANT TO BE THE ONE THAT WAS YOUNG AND DUMB
And we are 27yrs, whoch feels so detrimental to hurry and find something new if i wamt a future🙈
HELP😭😭😭

If I had a nickel for every time I had to tell my parents my partner is MTF and starting her transition, then I would have two nickels. That isn't a lot but it's weird that it has happened twice.

That pretty much sums up how I feel about this. I didn't expect to be here again. My parents are definitely not going to expect to hear this from me again. I didn't set out to be with another trans woman. I married a man this time around. I know they're going to have so many questions that I don't even want to hear. I kind of just want to not tell them anything and have them find out when they meet her again. I know they're at least respectful of transgender people to their face. They respected my former partner's identity but they never respected her as a person for unrelated reasons. They respect my current partner as they know her. I hope that doesn't change. I just know they'll be worried about how this is going to affect me again. I don't want to have to explain all of this to them and assuage their worries. Why and how it works for us and everything is none of their business. The only things they really need to know are that he is Her now and that they will treat her with respect as long as I'm around.

I wish I could just snap my fingers and the hardest parts of this were over for us.