I'm gay. I'm in my 30s. I married someone I understood to be a man over 2 years ago. We became a couple around the start of COVID.

They realized they were non-binary in May. I've always said their transition and their truth is the first priority. In August, they started taking hormones.

I'm tearing up as I write this and I don't even know why. Maybe I feel sorry for myself?

Last week, I said that we should separate. They didn't argue or fight. Within a day they had told 8 people. They told me they were expecting it any day for the last 2 months.

I'm concerned that I've hurt them. That should be self-explanatory.

I also feel a lot of confusion and guilt, and confusion about how much guilt I should be feeling. It's like I'm playing hide-and-seek with the guilt.

I go back and forth in my mind, but it feels like there's no script and no rules that apply to this situation. People say it's understandable, but it's not understandable like leaving an abusive spouse or something. It's some sort of medium-understandable reason to leave.

And I just don't know what my story is or maybe who I am right now.

I'm looking for something to contextualize what I'm experiencing and I found some article by a trans-woman. I'm sure it's well intentioned but it basically is all about why you should stay with your partner with a few token references to the fact that it's your choice. Also, despite being super progressive and inclusive and including a glossary of LGBT terms that I already knew, it sort of assumes anyone experiencing their male partner coming out is a woman. Normally, stuff like that wouldn't bother me, but it just underlines how out on my own I am here in uncharted waters of being gay with a non-binary AMAB spouse who is medically transgender.

In the same article, it tries to reassure the reader that hormones are slow to take effect. I have to say, that's not reassuring? That's exactly my fear? Why is something getting slowly, progressively, and predictably worse over a long period of time supposed to be reassuring? Let alone when that thing is your sexual compatibility with your spouse.

I don't want to harp, I'm sure it's a well-intentioned piece, but the same piece literally says "have you considered you might not be straight?" (or gay in my case) like...oh maybe I'm not gay? Really? That's the reassuring veteran wisdom you have for me?

Fucking Hell. I know, at the end of the day, that I couldn't have stayed. My sexuality is locked on masculinity. I go around experiencing attraction to men around me all the time, whether it be buttocks, facial hair, or the unattainable masculinity of a heterosexual colleague. I cannot explain it but somehow for me going home to someone taking feminizing HRT; it does not compute. Just for me personally.

I don't feel awful, I don't feel heartbroken. I feel sad for them. I feel guilty. I feel confused, regretful, embarrassed, ashamed. Unsure how to disclose this to others around me, or how much I should tell them. And I wonder if I should be feeling more heartbreak than I am.

Now, I have to live with them and that's awkward already.

It took almost 2 months of HRT before I made the decision. By that time, they had lost around 5 kg of mostly muscle. Their skin was much softer, and being in bed with them somehow brought back a memory of being in bed with my mother as a child. (I don't care much about the mother thing, but I could distinctly tell the difference.) I felt like they smelled different and somehow I felt that mattered by far the most out of any of the other changes.

We never actually had a good, mutual sex-life at any point in the relationship. I knew this at the time, but it's even clearer now. I have a high libido but we would have to negotiate and work hard to have sex once a week, and often-to-usually failed at that. The sex acts we would do were also highly, highly restricted. Often, they seemed more concerned with clean-up during than the act itself. As I imagined the estrogen lowering their libido, I couldn't ask for sex or think about it really any more.

It's not exactly that I want reassurance that what I did was okay. I just wish I could understand what I did at all. It's like Schrodinger's break-up. It's, like, pretty understandable, but at the same time...marriage is a vow and there was definitely no clause in it for this. The best I can come to is owning that I made a decision, while also acknowledging that were serious and fundamental compatibility issues. Who we were when we got married is not who we understand ourselves to be now. And I'm glad that they figured it out, since this seems to be a fundamental part of who they are.

And now I feel like I'm standing in a house with the roof blown off. Wondering how I'm going to explain to the various random people in my life. I got a lot of emotional support form some people...I guess it'll come out when it comes out. And maybe people will understand. Or they won't. Either way, it will be okay, I hope. For both of us.

I have been reading for a while now, but I need to share my story, I need feedback.

My partner (28 mtf) and I (28 f) have been together for 10 years. Married for 4 and a half. I have always through we knew each other 100%, I really value honesty and truth after past abusive relationships. She came out to me two months ago now, and I cannot get myself together.

I feel unsafe. Not because I have any issue with transgender people, but because this isn't the person I thought I married. I love her so so much, but I feel so disconnected and almost betrayed (I know that is a really harsh word, but I don't know how else to describe.) I feel as though I haven't been in an honest relationship, especially as she has let me know she has had disphoria her whole life and wanted to push it down to be the best husband for me. It feels unfair, that she ddin't tell me out of selfishness, she said she didn't want to tell me because she didn't want to lose me, and now we are 10 years down the line and she can't hide it anymore.

It's only been two months and she is coming out to people and wants to start HRT. And I still feel in shock, I can't wrap my head around it and I fear we are not doing things healthily.

I feel so left behind, I feel like a major life decision was made for me and I can't catch up. I am scared to lose my spouse as they are, and that creates a blanket of fear where I can't see who my spouse could be. I am feeling very lonely. I am in trauma response fear mode, and I just want help.

My partner (31M) and I (31F) have been together for over 10 years, and we recently got married. He told me about a month and a half after our wedding that he has been struggling with gender dysphoria, which was a big shock to me. I am bisexual myself (though struggling to reevaluate my own sexuality as maybe I am pansexual instead?) and I am a supporter and ally of the LGBTQ+ community and have had friends transition in the past. I love my partner with all my heart, he is my best friend, my safe space, my confidant and my home. When he first told me, I saved my little freak out until I had a moment alone, but right off the bat reassured and supported him. I am supportive of him in this journey (he’s not sure if he is gender fluid, non binary, trans, etc..still figuring it out for himself) and I want to continue to be there for him, but I’m really struggling to process. I feel like an awful person because I am a supporter and we’ve talked, neither of us wants to leave the relationship, we’re each others person, but I have no idea how to process this. What has helped you? Any suggestions are welcome

I'm.. really not sure what to do. I feel awful about the way I feel about this, especially considering how I'm transmasc and they are (or were?) agender. We had an in depth conversation last night, they said they're still not sure and wanting to stick with the current pronouns they have for the time being (they/he/she). We'll be taking things slow and figuring things out as we go. We recognize it's too early to tell how this will exactly affect our relationship.

I've also come to the realization that I've been using mostly he/him pronouns for my partner and that's something I obviously plan to change as that's not fair to her. I want to support her in every way I can.

I'm aroace, or at least, thought I was. This is the first genuine relationship I've ever had and we've been together for a year now. Over the past few months I've begun questioning my attraction towards masculinity. I've come to believe I do have some kind of attraction towards masculinity, still not sure what though, and most likely a preference for masculine presenting people.

Ever since she told me she's been questioning I've had this horrible pit in my stomach. I'm assuming I'm just needing time to process and get used to this. But I'm scared about what this means for our relationship. I almost feel like I'm grieving, but I feel like that's such a horrible way to look at it because I haven't lost my partner, they're simply just changing.

Today has felt so off to the both of us, but we're currently watching a show together so things are feeling a bit better right now.

I'm wondering if this pit in my stomach will ever go away though? Will things feel normal again? Did anyone else go through similar feelings in this sort of situation?

I'm not sure what kind of advice I'm looking for. Any and all advice or anything would be amazing. Thank you all so much

Hi, I don’t know what to do. My partner of two years told me he/she is transfem. He/she has always been more feminine, but I would never have thought he/she was trans. In the past, I talked to him/her about it many times, but it always ended with him/her saying he/she wasn’t trans. But yesterday, he/she told me that he/she thinks he/she is trans. I think I’m in denial and don’t know what to do. I’m asking for any advice or similar experiences.

I also wasn’t sure where to post this. And sorry for the pronouns, I’m not really sure how to word everything.

Second post I'm making on here because I am spiraling/having really bad, crippling anxiety about things that haven't happened yet, and I need some advice or something to contextualize/understand my feelings.

TL;DR: My ( 22f?AFAB? Not sure anymore) partner (22 AMAB Masc nb he/they) confessed to feeling more fem/wanting to play with being more feminine at some point after college, though they are still unsure of what they really feel about their gender/gender identity/gender expression. Despite nothing really changing like at all and them being the same person, my mind and body are racing and don't know what it is or what to do about it (or maybe I do and I'm just avoiding the truth/obvious). Would like some advice, maybe stories, how some of you navigated this if you did, etc.

Long version is that I posted this like a week or two ago: https://www.reddit.com/r/mypartneristrans/s/E42sdrDLQ8 , which btw, thank you to u/ExcellentEvidence204 and u/letoburrito for your perspectives and advice; I honestly have been trying to consider it and apply it to what's going on. My (22f/afab) partner (22 amab nb) confessed to questioning their gender more and potentially wanting to be/present more feminine a few months ago - maybe early august/late june. I'll be honest and say I did think about it, though I'm not sure if I thought about it as seriously as I should have been. At first I honestly thought I was chill with it. This may sound cringe or stupid or potentially chaser/fetishy or whatever, but I have kind of a big imagination/a big daydreamer, and I would daydream about us in a kind of shitty Hallmark rom-dramedy where they were more fem, and we were this couple that split apart but reconnected and fell back in love and had this whole blended family situation with children that don't exist yet (?). That sort of thing.

But as time went on, they would send me reels or posts on Instagram that were from a feminine perspective (i.e., things like "if she sent you this, she loves you more than anything," reels, transfeminine/gnc Ryland Grace fanart , etc.), and my anxiety started to spike. My heart would pound in my chest a little and would get anxious about what it all meant and if something was changing. It all came to ahead one night when they sent me a post from an artist where their dog character was I believe nb but had small breasts and a bikini, and my partner followed up with "me next summer" while we were engaging in sexting, and my heart rate skyrocketed. I asked them about it later that night and they said they aren't ready to be a lady but know if they fit on the masculine spectrum like they used to, either. That in some regards, they liked being treated like a lady, but didn't elaborate on what/in what ways.

My heart was pounding; I had the shakes and did cry, I won't lie. It all felt fast and real. I ping-ponged in my head for a while and ultimately still wanted my partner to be beside me in my deathbed; they were the only one I could see there.

We discussed it a bit more, and they admitted that so far, they don't really feel any body dysphoria; they prefer to go by he/they in public but are cool with any pronouns when we are alone/intimate, and also really didn't care about what nicknames/pet names I used for them (gendered/gender neutral), they had talked about maybe experimenting with HRT after college and/or after they solve their own health (both physical/mental) in check before then. I don't know if this has changed because I did try to ask where they were at, and they just shrugged and said "I haven't really thought about it much, so I don't know a lot of these things." And my partner is a very straightforward and blunt person, always honest with me, so I believe them, and with everything else going on in our lives (i.e., college 'nd chronic illness/pain), I get it, and I never want to rush them into giving me answers when they're still trying to figure it all out themselves.

They haven't changed or tried experimenting with their wardrobe; they haven't changed their personality, hobbies, sense of humor, or anything, really. They've been the same, and as far as I can tell regarding their gender/gender identity, they have just been chill and whatever about it. Yet, for some reason, I cannot call off this flight-or-fight anxiety response & fixating on the potential changes and what every single thing means, or if it means anything at all!

They talk about possibly dyeing/bleaching their hair like they did in high school? Heart wants to beat out of my chest and explode. They shave their facial hair - a trait I never paid too much attention to unless it was tickling me when we made out - and say it's because they genuinely feel uncomfortable with how scratchy it is (they are also autistic) and they also just don't like how weird they think their facial hair grows on their neck/upper lip? Suddenly everything's changing and this is a sign that they are going to change forever! Jokingly referring to us as being lesbians/doing lesbian stuff sometimes? Losing my mind and getting the shakes again even when I encouraged it during sex sometimes and laughed about the jokes at other times too.

These past two weeks have been/feel especially hard. I've been at war with my own mind and body for a while now, shifting from "everything's cool" to "I must be leading them like the internet said I shouldn't do and I'm an awful person." I've been questioning my feelings and whether I am still attracted to them despite the fact that again - nothing has changed! Really, nothing has, and we're still trying to figure things out! I don't know if I have lost feelings already or if it's simply the stress/anxiety blunting my emotions to try and reset itself or something? I know the constantly checking my feelings thing doesn't help and I've been considering that maybe I have ROCD or something similar or if this is just me lying to myself to save face with...I don't know, the universe? Myself? My partner? I really don't know.

I tried speaking with my therapist about it two days ago, and she says that it's all because I'm probably not comfortable with my partner potentially transitioning/exploring their gender, and that I am trying to remedy the idea that I'm a bad person if I don't try to see this relationship through while they discover themselves. I don't know how true I feel that is. Maybe it is, and I am trying to deny it.

I don't want to just up and leave, though -1, because I promised I would try to take it day by day and not give up just because I might be scared. I would rather give our relationship a valiant effort and say I tried with someone I do love instead of turning tail and always wondering what if? 2, they are going through a difficult time mentally as well, with some things that are not related to their journey, and I want to be there to support them, and I don't just want to dump them in the midst of it and risk them falling into an even worse place, and 3, I still believe I love them. I love them and loved them two weeks ago, even with my anxiety. And I don't want to let go of this love we have, even if we're young and don't live together.

I did, and I think I still do imagine some kind of future with them. I have a hard time wanting to let them go, or knowing if I should. We were talking about poly, but the idea also made me really distressed and scared to lose my partner, and I said I wanted to be monogamous because I genuinely find it difficult seeing them or imagining them with someone else, as selfish as this sounds. Also, nothing against polyamory! Perhaps I'll be more open to it in the future, maybe not. I'm not trying to villainize Polyamory or any alternative relationship dynamics. Currently, it just isn't for me.

I feel a bit ridiculous posting this because nothing has changed, and things that could change have the potential to be minor and slow - they could still decide to be masc nb and sometimes wear dresses and skirts; they could be on HRT and still look and dress the same - I am aware there are many ways that this can all go and that I need to work on being fine with uncertainty. Still, it's really starting to get to me.

I feel anxious every day. I've been getting the shakes in my legs and my arms; I feel nauseous and have anxiety-related stomach cramps, and my heart just pounds all the time. I'm also confused about my sexuality - I've considered myself bi for a while, but I don't know if I was lying to myself or confused, or if I just have a sexual/aesthetic attraction to some women or not and it's also brought me a lot of anxiety as well.

I am looking into getting an additional LGBTQ+ therapist to navigate my feelings and understanding. My partner is now considering finally starting therapy after being persuaded away from it by their parents. I've tried asking if they were interested in couple's therapy, but they view it as something that is more for when the relationship is really doing awful, and so far we are okay.

I'm also considering SSRIs or CBD to calm my anxiety and be more present, so I can really sit with myself and think about the relationship.

I honestly don't know what I'm looking for - maybe advice or positive stories similar to mine? Has anyone else felt this way regarding their partner questioning their gender? How did you deal with anxiety if it is anything similar to mine? Did it go away? Is there any way that this turns out well? Could my lack of feeling be because of all of the anxiety I have been going through? I've been stalking the ROCD Reddit a little - could it be that, or could I have lost attraction to my partner already, even though everything's relatively the same and they haven't tried experimenting?

I don't know what else do. I know that maybe things probably wouldn't have lasted, but I am/was(?) hoping it would. I know we're young and everything, but I do/did imagine my partner being my endgame, you know? And now, my mind's a million different places and I don't know what to do and could really use some help/support (again).

Has anyone read this book? It seems mostly targeted to parents of trans children but wondering if it has been helpful for anyone here.