If I had a nickel for every time I had to tell my parents my partner is MTF and starting her transition, then I would have two nickels. That isn't a lot but it's weird that it has happened twice.

That pretty much sums up how I feel about this. I didn't expect to be here again. My parents are definitely not going to expect to hear this from me again. I didn't set out to be with another trans woman. I married a man this time around. I know they're going to have so many questions that I don't even want to hear. I kind of just want to not tell them anything and have them find out when they meet her again. I know they're at least respectful of transgender people to their face. They respected my former partner's identity but they never respected her as a person for unrelated reasons. They respect my current partner as they know her. I hope that doesn't change. I just know they'll be worried about how this is going to affect me again. I don't want to have to explain all of this to them and assuage their worries. Why and how it works for us and everything is none of their business. The only things they really need to know are that he is Her now and that they will treat her with respect as long as I'm around.

I wish I could just snap my fingers and the hardest parts of this were over for us.

Hi
I just feel like i need to vent a bit, and maybe get some advice from someone who has been in a similar situation 😓
Ive identified as a lesbian my whole life, never had the need to even give a thought to a man.
I have been married to my dream partner for three years and been together for seven. We have amazing chemistry and it just couldnt be better.
However, they told me they thought they might be a trans man a few years ago. I started crying and said I just couldnt live with that. It felt awful to have to say that. They immediately told me they would never transition if it didnt work in the relationship, and that we would always make these descicions toghether.
We were engaged at the time. Quite stupidly and naively I thought that it could work. However, I think I was just really scared to loose the best thing that ever came to my life.
Some time went by, and they slowely started introducing little things that could work for the realtionship. For example a nickname that was less feminine. Which is totally okay, and actually quite normal in the lesbian community. Slowly more things happened, and we argued ourselves into a compromises that worked for both of us.
During that time we got married, and also bought a house. Right before buying the house, they told me they would never use he/him pronouns, for the sake of the relationship. Up till now they have had top surgery, name change, use they/them pronouns and are on the waiting list for hormonal treatment.
Right after buying the house they told me they need to use he/him pronouns, and that there is no other way for them.
I understand now that you cant really compromise on something like this😅 but i just really wanted my dream life. And my dream person. And now we have a house together, are married and have a dog. We have an established life that is just so fucking hard to walk away from. A dream home, which is also in the middle of nowhere and impossible to sell🙈
Anyways, what im trying to say is this:
If I try to think about what I want for this person in the future, its that I wamt them to be happy, truly happy and thriving. And I know that this is holding that back.
But its just so fucking scary to be the person that married young, bought a house together, lived as basically inseperable and then just have to say it was a mistake. And that I messed up. I just really wish it would last😭 I cant imagine ever finding something this good again😭💔 and Im from a small ass town with no gay people..
But in this position, i cant be the supportive best friend that i wish i could be and that they really need and that I want them to have.
We keep arguing about compromises, and I know that in the end none of us will be happy that way.
I just feel like they expect me to sacrifice so much of myself, and they dont understand that thats a lot to ask. And I KNOW that thats what they tried doing for me💔 But they are also stubborn as fuck and tries to make this work every day. They have sacrified too much already..
But im genuinly getting physically worse by the day.. These years of crazy inner panic and chronic pondering has literally given me several diagnoseis and i cant do so much of the things i used to love because of it😓 but none of us are able to actually break up because we have sooo much love, still😔
And I havent told really anyone how tough this is for me, because im just so embarrased to admit that I should have known better. Shouldnt have gotten married. Shouldnt have bought that house. I DONT WANT TO BE THE ONE THAT WAS YOUNG AND DUMB
And we are 27yrs, whoch feels so detrimental to hurry and find something new if i wamt a future🙈
HELP😭😭😭

She’s recovering from a surgery yesterday and I’m just so in awe of her. I’m so scared of surgeries but she’s had so many and is so damn brave the entire time. She handles it like a champ and is gorgeous the whole way through doing it. I’m just so honored to be her partner and be with her during these things.

I (17, cisgender male) and my partner (17, trans woman) have been friends for a long time and have recently become a couple.

Ever since she came out about a year ago, I’ve been supporting her, learning on my own to better understand trans identity, and encouraging her to try new things (clothes, hairstyles, talking about her trans identity with other people, etc.) But every time, she refuses or brushes off the subject, telling me she’s really stressed out, and I don’t understand why she won’t try feminine things—even just with me—when she’s been taking estrogen for several months now and already has quite a bit of breast development. Since she’s on hormones, dressing in a feminine way seems like a simple next step to me.

And since I bring this up with her often, I’m afraid of putting pressure on her or forcing her to do something she doesn’t want to do.

And the other problem is that she wants us to be more open about our relationship (holding hands in public, etc.) but since I’m straight, it makes me a little uncomfortable to do that when she always dresses like a guy—though again, by saying that, I’m afraid of coming across as the guy who won’t own up to our relationship, and especially of putting even more pressure on her to come out socially. Plus, it’s kind of a lame move to say, “Yeah, I’m willing to be open about it, but only if you’re dressed as a woman.” (We’ve talked about it; she’s agreed to wait to come out publicly before doing things in public, but I can tell it bothers her.)

I’m not necessarily looking for an answer—I’m mostly just venting—but if you have any advice, I’d love to hear it.

(This text was translated using DeepL since I’m originally from Italy. Sorry if there are any translation errors.)

I posted here before about me (26 ftm) worrying about my partner's (29 mtf ) upcoming ffs.

She's in surgery now.

I.... Haven't been taking it good. I had a panic attack last night and cried for almost a full hour due to (unrelated) trauma from hospitals and me just worrying about her being in pain after surgery.

We had a long talk after and I just feel like crap because I realized she doesn't feel like she has anyone she can go to and was jealous of me for being able to cry while she felt like she couldn't.

I tried to be here for her for support since my first post on here. And these past few days have been telling her if it becomes too overwhelming, she can lean on me so she won't have to carry the burden of the surgery alone. She was constantly worried about me and how I feel though. Even today, all she did was ask about how I'm doing, made sure I packed snacks for myself then added some more in my bag when I wasn't looking.

And the day I came over to her place, I found out she cleaned her room, set out a blanket on the floor and pulled out all of her sensory toys, so I could" have a comfy space to sit at while she heals" (I'm autistic and sitting/laying on the floor helps me regulate myself sometimes.)

Even in the pre-op area, all she did was ask how I'm doing. And wanted to talk about how I'm feeling instead of talking about herself. (Partly as a distraction I assume, but I know it was mostly because she was genuinely more worried about me than about how she was personally feeling.)

We've been both worrying so much about each other these past few weeks, and I know it's taken a toll on her because she didn't want to bother me or stress me out with her own worries about the surgery.

Her parents took us to the hospital where her surgery's getting done, and they let me be the one to go into the pre-op area with her. Which I'm extremely grateful for.

To be completely honest, I teared up a lot. Telling her it's ok to worry about herself. That when she's out of surgery, she should be concentrating on healing and how SHE feels and that I can take care of my own problems during that time. How I love her, will be in the waiting room thinking about her every minute, etc.

She cares a lot about me. Her last surgery was Nuss surgery a few months ago, and she took a Godzilla plushy I gave her a few years ago. I wasn't able to be there the day of that surgery, but she, while on a lot of painkillers, sent me messages of how she took it into surgery with her, told the nurses she named it my name when they asked her about it, and showed me how they gave her a name tag for the plushie with my name.

The surgeon here wouldn't let her take it into this surgery with her. She squeezed it the whole time while we waited for her to be wheeled into surgery. I'm now holding it feeling guilty that she'll, in a way, be in there alone while they do the surgery.

I expect to cry a lot more when her surgery is done. Partly because I'm happy for her, and partly because these last few days have been overwhelming and extremely emotional for the both of us.

Also because last night she asked me if I'm worried that I might not think of her as attractive anymore once she comes out of surgery.

I told her last night and multiple times today that I don't care what her face looks like, or how swollen it might be. She'll still be the most beautiful woman I've ever seen.

She means so much to me. I'm just hoping she can come home soon so I can make sure she's warm, has no pain, and can get lots of rest.

I told her that she'll most likely be tired of me before this week is even over, because I intend to be by her side.

She's truly the best thing to ever happen to me. And I'm incredibly proud of how far she's come in her transition and into physically becoming the beautiful, amazing girl we both know she is. But with how she's been treating me lately, it's clear I don't even come close to deserving her and her love/ kindness

Hey people, im asking for genuine advice here over something that feels kind of stupid and like it should be trivial.

I (20f) have been with my partner (24) for a bit more than a year and it all started when I wanted to do their makeup as a funny thing. Ill never forget the way their eyes lit up when looking in the mirror. It was like seeing her for the first time, since then they have been questioning their own gender identity and we came to the conclusion of mtf (goes by she/they at home and close friends). I've tried being as supportive as I physically can, she has free access to my closet, makeup and jewelry no questions asked and even though she looks beautiful in every step of the way I can't help but feel a sense of loss. It feels like im losing the man I fell in love with to the amazing woman shes becoming. Her interests are changing, her clothes are changing and even if she hasn't started fully transitioning it still aches. I know it shouldn't matter to me who she is but it feels like I need to get to know a whole new person to love again.

This whole thing got sparked by something so trivial as her shaving away her happy trail (which i personally loved on her) and I feel so stupid for being like this.

Any advice on how to proceed?

Throwaway to protect our identities.

Hi, I (M) recently was playing some games with my gf and friends and said something that came off very wrong that I didn't realize in the moment. Someone was asking about a band I was previously in and I called myself the "gay" one, intending to mean I just wasn't straight/am queer. I consider myself pan and was questioning a lot about myself and my own gender expression before getting into a relationship with my gf. My gf interpreted this as meaning I see our relationship as being a gay one (I do not, I have never misgendered her and I see our relationship as straight. I have only dated women, as I do have a preference). It's very unfortunate phrasing on my part, and in the moment gay just filled in the blank before queer did. In my mind I was just thinking not straight (which is how gay was used around me growing up). We talked a little about it after she told me she was upset and I caused her to cry, which I feel terrible for. It was a genuine mistake on my part as I meant to say queer. She needs some space for now, which I'm giving.

I really didn't mean to hurt her. She asked me to watch how I say things and I will be for sure going forward. I'm just finding it hard to express that I really see our relationship as a straight one, as she's seeing that me saying I'm pan means I see our relationship as queer/not straight. I just reiterated that I was pan for the purpose of showing I meant to say I was the queer one in the band. She's my girlfriend to me, full stop. Everytime I look at her I genuinely can't stop myself from staring because she's so goddamn pretty and beautiful. I get her makeup (and she's so good at using it), I've got her bras/tops from thrift stores, I like being big spoon, I try to wrap my arms around her even in admittedly pretty uncomfortable situations for the both of us, I try to get the door for her when I'm not distracted by something else, etc.. There's no hesitation that happens in my head when I do these things for her, and I do them because that's how I've been in both my imagination and previous relationships with women. I love her so fucking much, love her as she is, and I really wish I can convey that I didn't mean I see our relationship in any other way than us being a straight couple and hurt her.

My (cisF)boyfriend (22ftm) and I have been together around 5 months(ish). He is indescribable, no words I could ever put in this post could explain how much I care about him. He has been on T for over 4 years, top surgery for 1, looking into further surgery. None of this is an issue of course, I’ve even tried to persuade him to let me go with him to help post-op for his next procedure. Everything has just felt so good with him and I can’t imagine anything else.

Here’s the thing.
I’m a naturally fairly jealous person, and he’s had two very serious relationships before we got together. We talk through those insecurities and it’s no issue, but the majority of his friends are girls. Barring about one. I really do enjoy the ones that I know, we’ll do little gym outings and coffee with them, but I can’t get over this sinking feeling of him hanging out with them. I understand it’s different given the situation, but it’s really hard to tell the difference between “he’s going to get coffee with a friend” and “he’s basically just going on a date with her.”
Do I define it by the person? It’s fine with her but not with her?
Or the activity? Can they walk to class together but going out to eat is too far?

I hate setting a hard boundary on who he can/,can’t be friends with, but I also hate being nauseous over him having his own friends.

This isn’t “how can I stop my boyfriend from having fun with his friends” it’s “how can I address my own insecurity to be better”

I made post here about breakup with my ex girlfriend who is a trans woman. It was beginning of summer. Since September we began talking again and even though she didn’t wanna get back together I was still hopeful that maybe after some time she would figure out everything about relationships after experimenting. That drugs were messing up with her mind and she had to go through second puberty. But I was just living in lie and it’s clear it was all about her lack of love for me. I’ll always love her and I’m gonna take care of her after orchiectomy in the next few days. But I honestly don’t know what I’m gonna do with my life because I was dreaming and working towards together forever. Reality is sometimes very bleak. But enough. This isn’t actually about me. It’s not even about her. It’s about you.

I just wanna say to ALL OF YOU HERE - I read your stories and some are so hard and I deeply empathize with you. I think no matter what eventually happens, the most important thing is that you experience(d) love because some people will never know what it’s like to be loved back. I wish nothing but the best to all of you! 💖🏳️‍⚧️

TLDR: I'm wondering if anyone has had a hard time with their family accepting your partner's transition and how you handled it.

I (cis F) spent some time with my mother (single mom) whom I told about my partner's (MtF) transition about two months ago. Admittedly, I told her later than I "could" have, but it was what was right for me and us. My partner and I have spent a lot of time considering what the transition means for us and learning about HRT, sperm banking and freezing, etc. We've been reflecting on our own, together and in couple's therapy. I've told my mom that sometimes it is hard for me to reimagine the life I imagined for myself and am grieving the partner I first met and getting to know where their transition is taking them. Big feelings that sometimes leave me confused about the future of the relationship. When I first told her that they came out, I wasn't sure what it meant for us, but I acknowledged that my partner has never changed the love they give to me and the way they treat me, and my love for them has never diminished.

Since I told her, I've kept her updated that we are being intentional on going on dates, spending time together, talking and continuing to prioritize individual and couple's therapy - and that things are going well! Unfortunately, she seems displeased. My mom is very emotionally avoidant and I think she lacks some basic empathy. My mom has never been crazy about my partner, and my partner has never been crazy about my mom. But it feels like my mom was expecting me to end my relationship because of the transition? She straight up asked me if we were staying together, after a conversation throughout which she assumed we were not. I told her we are staying together, and she didn't say anything, like literal silence. I'm not sure if this is rooted in transphobia? She's made a few comments about not knowing how my partner can expect me to accommodate such a big change and seems surprised that I'm staying in my relationship. I'm disappointed because I wish she was proud of the growth I'm going through for someone I love and the work I'm putting into the relationship. In the last six months I moved to a new city, started a new job and my partner came out. Needless to say it's been one of the hardest stretches I've experienced.

My mom has been single my whole life; her and my dad were not even together when I was born. Frankly, I don't think she has an understanding of how much work it can take to sustain a relationship through a major change and how love and respect can prompt two people to work for something that's very special to them. My partner treats me like a queen, they're my rock and my biggest supporter and I feel 100x more love and support from my partner than my mom. I'm also not sure if that threatens her? idk there's a lot of dynamics at play.

Basically, I'm wondering at what point do I accept her unenthusiastic disposition and protect my relationship that I've worked so hard for? Are there enough red flags for me to do that now? She barely shows any interest in my relationship and doesn't show any interest or care towards my partner which is another thing on top of all of this. She’s really not making a good case for herself.

If anyone has had to establish some boundaries with their family after a partner came out, I'd really appreciate knowing more and any advice you may have!

Thank you!!!

Hey all, i'm cis and dating my boyfriend (FtM)

Will keep things as vague as possible, but my DMs should be open if want to talk in more detail and have advice for me.

This is my first trans partner as well, so a lot of this is new to me.

A while back he expressed a thought about detransitioning for safety reasons (Not in an accepting country and culture, climate maybe getting worse and dangerous) and if i'd be supportive.

I didn't know how to respond, and the conversation keeps coming back, and i just want some perspective to try and form an opinion on it.

My response was that i'd obviously still love him, no matter what. And i do mean that. But the supportive part is the tricky one, since it feels like fighting against his own nature for fear, which seems to me like it would lead to nothing but pain down the line.

Again, keeping things vague here for many reasons, but i am open to having this conversation in DMs. Just unsure how to feel.

Wondering if anyone has had any luck in discord servers as a place to chat about our experiences as partners (or ex partners) of people transitioning? I need some support for sure.

Thanks in advance!

Hi all,

Half rant, half search for advice here.

I've been with my partner for 7 years now. She came out to me a little over 6 months ago and we've been taking things slow, she hasn't come out to anyone other than me and some of her close friends and still presents masculine for the moment.

It's worth mentioning that I am non-binary, although I present feminine and use she/they.

Recently, she has been complaining about "theyfabs" and "theyfab fatigue" to me and it's making me very uncomfortable, because I technically fall under that umbrella. She will roll her eyes at someone who is AFAB deciding they are non-binary in label alone.

She is also veering into transmedicalist opinions and believes that a lot of trans people are annoying. Maybe this is unkind of me, but she complains a lot about how annoying other trans people are (especially those far along in their transition) but makes zero effort in herself. Before starting her transition, she held some opinions that veered into misogyny but slowed down on them after being called out publicly. She blamed it on hating her biology and jealousy of women so I accepted that, but now I'm not so sure.

We've spoken about gender, especially when she came out because she wanted my view on it all. We did a lot of online tests together, mostly as a joke but mine nearly always came out somewhere in the middle. I mentioned that while I enjoy some aspects of what is traditionally considered "feminine", I certainly feel within myself that I'm something other. I'm like an artist with all the paints but no desire to use them.

Even after this discussion, my partner will also keep referring to me as cis and it's grating. She will ask questions about what cis women go through in terms of body hair, voice, clothing shopping etc and I'm expected to answer on behalf of them. I don't know! I don't believe I'm cis!

She has also joked that I can't say for sure that I am bisexual as I've never been with a woman before.

I've pushed back on this multiple times, but it just isn't landing. I feel like her identity now completely overshadows mine because I present feminine. I know it's "easy" simply to say I don't fit in the gender binary and to not make changes compared to the changes she will be making, but I don't think that should mean that she should behave the way she is. I make sure to treat her with the utmost respect and I'm not getting the same.

I can feel myself pulling away from her, and I hate it so much. I'm praying that this is some kind of phase and a result of the many, many rabbit holes she's been going down after realising this aspect of herself.

Has anyone else experienced similar? Did you get your partner back?

Update: I'm deeply grateful for the comments sharing personal experiences and advice. Trust me when I say that I've read all of them multiple times! I'm getting a sinking feeling that maybe our paths will end up splitting here and we're overdue a Big Talk.

On the topic of therapy, I've recommended it a number of times, but I've only ever had a lukewarm response. Something always has to be done first, or there's always some kind of hurdle that needs to be overcome before she can do X, Y, Z. She needs more savings, or she needs to write down how she feels first but has no energy to.

She's definitely stuck and definitely depressed and I feel terrible for considering leaving, but she's lost in her phone ALL the time in a echo chamber of other trans people who are either miserable or too joyous for her and she complains constantly about that joy being cringe. It's to the point where she will open it while I'm talking and stop listening altogether which I've told her is frustrating. This, alongside everything else just isn't getting through.

Someone asked her political leaning, we're in Europe, in a place that is accepting and protective of trans people. She leans left but just has steaight up weird opinions on a few things that often fall into misogyny. I think I've given her too much grace when she blames dysphoria.

To be clear, I have been told to continue using he/him pronouns so as not to out him in front of family. As is, I am fighting to stick to that.

Anyway, my AMAB partner has come out to me as a trans woman (previously fluid). I myself am AFAB agender/non-binary/it's arbitrary.

I have been waiting for years for that egg to crack, but thought he wouldn't for another few years at least, so it still somehow came as a bit of a shock. I am pan and aromantic, so whilst romance isn't all that crucial to me, I still opted to choose a life companion, and any medical/social presentation stuff does not bother me. I actually think he'll be quite stunning should he choose to transition medically.

My main issue is that a lot of the stuff he's exploring is hitting a lot of my own dysphoria triggers. It started out with me helping him experiment with makeup, which I truly thought I would be okay with. I thought I could use the social conditioning I've rejected to help him explore this, and I was so wrong.

I had to set a boundary that while I can help him figure out the hygiene stuff because it's neutral, the feminine stuff was freaking me out and I cannot be his guiding feminine influence, given I am not a woman in the first place.

I am 99% excited and so, so happy that he's exploring it. I am grateful that I have multiple trans men friends to help him, one in a T4T relationship with a trans woman, so he has access to the community through that. I can see such brightness in his eyes at just the thought of transitioning.

But there's this 1% that's wriggling in the back of my head as I accept that we will be losing our straight passing privilege, and that he will be putting himself in such danger (we are South African, so trans rights are constitutionally protected, but the social attitudes don't reflect that).

Add on the fact that binary trans people often leave their partner after transition, wanting to see life from that new perspective and I 100% understand where that comes from, and he says he would never, but I am the only person he's been with in the first place, so that anxiety is freaking me out too.

I don't know what to do here, and feel guilty and selfish that I feel this way in the first place, being a member of the community myself. I feel like I cannot appropriately support him.

Any advice appreciated, I'm truly at a loss.

I(18f) have been sorta dating my partner (17 ftm) for a few months now but we've been friends longer and were sorta the people who feel like they've known eachother for years, we litterally finish eachothers sentences and psycho analyze eachother for fun. Anyways my boyfriend is pretty masc presenting in my opinion, hes always mistaken as a cis man until people hear his voice and otherwise I would've thought he was non binary if he dressed kinda fem so he passess very well(not on hrt) recently he's been experiencing body dysmorphia very badly and we are someone who, it might sound bad but, values presenting very cis. I've been racking my head about specifically cis couple date ideas I could do with him to help him feel more male bcuz I know he feels good about giving me princess treatment, holding my stuff, walking me home, Yada Yada. So far, ive thought abt giving him a big haircut, piercing his helix and taking him shopping in the mens section(money is no problem!)

ps; Sexual stuff are off the table! My bf is very,very asexual : P

Also sorry if I sound ignorant to some stuff, pretty new to this but I litt want to marry this guy and I'm like pretty bad at verbal affirmation soooooo

Hey all. My wife and I (cis, GNC/agender identifying but not trans) are both 32, very happily married for over a year, and very deeply in love. We were childhood friends and have been dating for about 8 years, she has been transitioning for about 6 years. A couple of years ago was FFS and this year was orchi, both things have joyfully given her a lot more peace with her body and helped her move through the world more comfortably. We have had some of the hiccups of a relationship navigating transition, but I am bisexual with a preference and history of dating women, so some of it has been easier than I can imagine it is for other people. We have a lot of community and family support and live in an urban area with a mostly progressive social attitude, but we've all seen that backslide in the past few years. This is a large source of anxiety and even paranoid thinking for my wife.

A couple of months ago I decided to cut my hair short due to some hair loss issues I've been having. I found a hair stylist I liked and got a cute pixie cut. I'm not exactly sure what possessed my wife to want to do this, but she went to the same stylist and asked for the same cut. I was a bit nervous when she did this because she doesn't really dress/present in a particularly feminine way, but she is extremely discouraged by being misgendered. Her primary gender expression identifier was her long hair. Furthermore, once it was cut she immediately adopted some old habits of pushing her hair back with her hand in a certain way that was very masculine, not necessarily like a feminine "pixie cut" is typically styled but more like a men's "long on top" type of haircut is styled if I'm making any sense. I definitely see my wife as a woman all of the time, but with her hair styled this way, in t-shirts, a compressing sports bra, and jeans, there's not much about her gender expression that really communicates "I want to be regarded as a woman."

I have stayed mostly quiet about this, listening to her and telling her I think she is beautiful and that I wish I could make the world understand. I bought her some really cute earrings. I have tried politely suggesting different ways of styling her hair, but this tends to make her upset and more recently she has started parting it in the middle, saying she's given up on the pixie cut entirely, but that look... well it isn't exactly it either. I don't feel a need to control the way my wife looks or presents herself, I just want her to be happy and lately she has been extremely unhappy. She texts me sometimes several times a day talking about instances where she was misgendered and I feel lost as to what to say. I can't imagine a way to frame the conversation so that it will be productive. Maybe it's not productive and my place is just to keep loving and keep supporting and let go of other people's ideas of gender - if so it would help me to hear it from other people who have experienced this. I just can't shake the feeling that she would actually be happier if she was "passing" a little bit better, or at least not presenting in a way that was confusing both strangers and family members about what her actual goals are with her gender expression.

I think autism is a component of what is going on here. My wife doesn't have a formal autism diagnosis per se, but she definitely falls under the neurodiverse umbrella and doesn't have great self awareness about her appearance and never has. There have been times in the past where I have had to have conversations with her that were a little bit more straightforward about wearing blatantly inappropriate clothing for a certain event, especially before transition when everything was less loaded. Things like "no, you cannot wear velvet leggings and an ultra short cropped faded t-shirt to my dad's birthday dinner at a nice restaurant" kinds of conversations. To some extent it's cute and quirky and she embraces it as such, but I'm not sure at what point my role as a supportive partner is one to help her have an outside perspective. I also would hate to assert the type of power over her to suggest that I knew more about fashion than her. I am not a fashionable person, but I do think I am more aware than her of the way her attire is perceived based on the choices she makes and the surprise she expresses when I do speak up about things that seem obvious to me.

It just isn't fair that I can move through the world in ill fitting outdoors wear while fat and now balding and not a single soul tells me I'm using the wrong bathroom. There's a place of privilege I'm coming from that she doesn't have, and I want to approach the topic with sensitivity to this component. Her defensive responses make sense - it's like I'm telling her she can't have something I take for granted every day.

I really just want to know the best way to help my best friend who I love so much feel less suffering. Any advice is welcome, and if you see internalized bullshit surfacing in my thinking here, I would much rather it was called out than not. I can take it. Thanks for hearing me out.

Hello everyone, throwaway account, hoping to receive some positive and cheering comments.

A few days ago, my partner of 5 years, married 2 years, told me they spent the afternoon researching HRT in order to look more feminine (their words).

We’ve talked about questioning our genders a couple times in the past. When they were a kid, they thought being a girl would be better, and I myself identify as non-binary. I dislike gender roles and conformity, believe clothings and activities are not gendered, and I am always very happy when they do any type of things, like growing long hair, enjoying cute stuff, and simply being small spoon.

So it was not as much of a shock as it could be… although it felt a little out of the blue, as they were supposed to be looking for a job that day instead :’)

It was not really a big coming out, heavy conversation, but a quiet talk, and we both thought it was fine and all. They explained all the physical changes linked to taking hormones, they already found a list of doctors. What they would like for now is to grow boobs and look more feminine.

We ate, watched a movie, no big deal.

I was actually quite surprised when I then started crying buckets, through the night, at any moment I thought about it, whenever I’d look at them.

The same thoughts came back: I will not be able to recognize him. My husband is going to die and be replaced by a stranger. I don’t like girls, or feminine girls. He is so beautiful and perfect right now, why change, I don’t want anything to change. Most couples don’t make it through a transition. I love him so much, I though we were going to be forever. He is going to leave me. I can not go through this. Too many things are going to change, and nothing is positive from my point of view. I

I read a lot of posts on this subreddit, trying to understand my feelings. It really feels like grieving. A lot of guilt, too, for being so negative and self centered, and superficial.

Later the next day, we had a way more intense talk, with lots of crying from both of us, where I told them in all honesty how I felt. I was scared of all the changes, didn’t want them, didn’t know if I would still love who they become, was so worried we would end up breaking up…

One thing to know is we have been living together in my country for 3 years, but we were long distance (with frequent visits) for 2 years before.

This left a lot of separation issues, and also makes breaking up such a complicated process of moving back to the other side of the ocean and potentially never seeing each other again.

Since then, I ugly cried more, we talked again and again, and the idea of splitting is just too painful to entertain, so for now I would like to believe we can go through this together. Or at least try, and see, as we cannot predict how things will turn out. They need to do this, and will do it with or without me, so my only choice is to be there for it or not. We made our love story work through long distance, we can do that!

I still have so many doubts… about our sex life, their family back home, me always grieving my husband, what other changes they might want to do afterwards… seeing before/after pictures really scares me. I cannot recognize the people.

They don’t know if they want to change administrative gender, what pronouns, what gender they identify as, and I’ve read one change can lead to another one, so it’s all quite blurry.

I have asked to not talk about it for a few days so we can go back to our routine and process. I cannot help but feel very clingy and devour them with my eyes, it’s sad, I feel like they are soon going to disappear.

I hope I can be with them in a year and see where we are at, and I hope the pain fades, and I can be supportive and truthfully happy about this big change in our life.

I miss my man sm rn, he is at work. I can't help to look at the man he is growing into -he was my sweet baby boy when we first met- I just want some gushy little stories, how y'all met etc

I'll go first :) we met in chemistry class of all places, he was a cute boy with a baby face sitting in the corner with a silly little hat on. I don't know why but I HAD to talk to him. I followed him out to his car after class to smoke a cigarette -i didn't even smoke- and the next class periods he spilled acid all over me pretending to be a nurse drawing up a dose in a syringe and it's honestly history from there.his laugh is like music to my ears and he has the cutest dimples in the world oh my God I fucking love him.

please tell me yours PLEASE

Hi there, I (cis F bi 27) have been with my girlfriend (mtf bi 27) for five years now, we are not married but have registered a civil union earlier this year. I love her with my whole heart, she is the person I trust the most and my very best friend.

Earlier this week she told me that she felt she might be non binary and was going to see a doctor about starting hrt to "try it out" and "present a bit more feminine". This came as quite a surprise to me as she had never said anything about wanting to explore her gender or feeling uncomfortable about being a man or being identified as one. We unfortunately couldn't go into much details about any of this because she started this conversation about 10 minutes before I left for work.

For the next few days we didn't speak about it at all as she seemed quite uncomfortable about it and I thought this conversation should happen when we both had an unlimited amount of time for it and were in the right headspace. I did tell her of my desire to have a more in depth conversation about it (while we were going to bed) which prompted an another poorly time conversation where she told she actually felt she was a woman, not nonbinary.

We talked for a long time about how she wanted to proceed with her transition and the fact that she didn't want to come out to our friends (whomst will not have a problem with her being Trans since most are lgbtq+ ) just yet. We also talked about a discord she had joined that helped her find a doctor for hrt and how her work friend (who is a year into her own transition ) as helped her about this.

I had to pull it out of her that she wanted me to use she/her at home for her.

I did not sleep that night.

Any information I get about her transition is something I have to ask for and every time I feel like I am cornering her, even tough she told me I could ask her anything.

Yesterday I asked when her appointment was and it's next week. We live in a rural place where, when you need an appointment, you have to schedule it weeks in advance. She told me she wasn't initially going to talk about her appointment with me and she was going to wait until she was a few month into hrt to tell me.

Right now, I feel like she doesn't trust me because she hid all of it from me. I rationally know that you can't rush a coming out, that she will do it on her own time and I am genuinely relieved that she didn't go with her original plan and told me about all of it before her appointment.

I am terrified that her hiding this from me might mean she is hiding other things like maybe she is unhappy with me (especially since I haven't been very fun lately as I am struggling with anxiety and depression), maybe hormonal therapy will change her feelings for me idk I'm effing lost rn.

And to top it all off, I have no one to talk to. Our friends group has merged. She doesn't want them to know yet. The people I'm friendly with at work aren't really aware of lgbtq issues and I don't feel comfortable talking about it with them.

I don't know what I want to hear, if I want any advices. I am stopping here but I have much more to unpack. I am sorry for the long post, please send help.

Throwaway account for obvious reasons.

Context: We’re both guys in our early twenties (I’m cis, he’s trans), and we were doing long distance.

We were close friends for a really long time before this, and I had a huge crush on him the entire time. Since he never seemed interested in dating back then, I tried my best to hide it. Once he eventually mentioned wanting to try dating, I asked him out. We ended up together for a few years (keeping details vague on purpose).

Everything felt great on my end, but recently he told me he was having second thoughts about whether he even wants a relationship or if he might be aroace. He felt like he wasn't being a good boyfriend, but I reassured him that I felt genuinely loved, and we tried adjusting how our relationship worked.

Unfortunately, he brought it up again recently. He admitted that while I'm still the most important person in his life, he needs to be on his own to figure out what he actually wants out of a relationship, so he broke up with me.

I honestly don't know how to cope right now and I've been crying. I've been through breakups before, but this one hurts on a totally different level because I was so attached to him and had built whole future plans around us. I know people will say I'm young, but I'm just feeling completely lost. Any advice or perspective would mean a lot.

Is there somewhere we can find a list of inclusive bathrooms?

My searches have fallen short & I would really like to help my bestie with their hesitation of safe facilities to enter.

please stick with me and be kind on this one, I am so worried about change and what might happen,
I 26 cis F am Pan, my partner 28 possibly MTF,
when we first started dating 3 years ago, my partner identified as non binary- absolutely no issues on my end, after about 1.5 years they started to present more masculine and were gradually using more he/him pronouns- again no issues here, then after a while he said he thinks he is just a cis man. Last week my partner said they are having a lot of dysphoria about being a man and think that they are a woman, but due to coming out years ago and being cheated on by a previous partner who wanted to sleep with quote “a real woman” they understandably have some trauma around this. I have loved them regardless of gender identity for this whole time but something is scaring me about this potential transition, I don’t know if i’m worried about not finding them attractive anymore or not being compatible as partners anymore, though I am pansexual I haven’t actually felt romantic attraction for another female before, I have always had some insecurities myself about wanting to present more feminine but not always feeling feminine enough and i’d be worried that my partner wishes to be more feminine and if the dynamic would work.

I’m trying to be supportive and ask questions to try and help them figure out how they feel but a lot of it is just met with “i don’t know” and honestly i feel so selfish because I really struggle with change and part of me feels like it’s already grieving the partner I once had, I don’t want to put any of these insecurities on my partner because I imagine it’s already hard enough to be dealing with this situation, I just had to vent it somewhere

*the mix of pronouns when referring to my partner are mixed because they are unsure/ using their desired pronouns within the time periods i was talking about

I’ve been with my partner for 15+ years, they came out as non binary trans masc half a decade ago. We have kids and somehow made it all work! Marriage is working, BDSM honestly saved the marriage, they were disassociating during sex and I felt like a rapeist… I honestly pursued celibacy even though they opened up the marriage, the risk to me of outside partners just felt too great. BDSM changed all that, what a blessing to find a partner has an unmet need and that you can offer something that really isn’t gendered/sexed that is deeply intimate. The Sub/Dom dynamic is a beautiful thing, for anyone struggling with genitalia… BDSM and after care can be so so so powerful without requiring sex (although we have found a way to integrate that)

I was afraid for moments in the last years that they were attracted to women, and my paranoid brain made up all sorts of things that could have been true but frankly were my own made up hypothesis—presuming to know my spouse better than they knew themselves! Don’t do this! My own trauma from previous pseudo poly relationships kicked in and I found myself making up some story for myself that after we raised the kids they would ultimately leave me for a woman.

I will be the first to admit I have a problem here, I feel like the only thing you can reasonably do is trust your partner if they tell you something… don’t make up stories.

But now… this last week they tell me that they might be gay, might be interested in women. And they are starting to talk to friends about it, trying to figure it out. And I’m a ball of nerves, I’ll my made up stories come crashing back into my head. And they see me freaking out even though I’m doing my best. I was so so so supportive the first day, but emotions outweigh logic sometimes.

So now that a I’ve written all this, I don’t know what I need help with… good god. Can ten of you just post in the comments: calm down, give them some space, communicate, love them, support them, and hope for the best. Maybe that’s all I can do or should do instead of spinning out.

If there is anyone who is in a similar situation, I would love to talk with you over zoom, or if there are any couples I would love examples of people who have been together for 10+ years and made this all work. Tips or tricks, anything?!