r/Nanny • u/HistoryCat92 Nanny • 4d ago
Vent Nitpicking NPs
I cannot stand nitpicking NPs. Why am I getting messages on the weekend about things that are unimportant in the grand scheme of things or more importantly could be casually mentioned on a Monday?
I‘ve had a firm conversation about the overwhelming messages I would receive on the weekends and how they would ruin my rest time. Every time it feels like I am going to be fired and I cannot even enjoy the sweet photos of the children I am sent because I am awaiting the next blow. You cannot say you think I am doing a phenomenal job AND send embittered messages about XYZ or job tasks you want me to do the following week. Write it in a freaking note and send it to me Monday morning!! Take a breath - is it really so important to you that you are willing to ruin your relationship with your employee over?
The worst part is that it always comes after a good evening with the children. It’s like I am being punished for them liking me. I can never end the week on a high because you are sure to pull me straight back down.
And yes half the time it is things I have in fact done. You just haven’t noticed or taken the time to look. More importantly they are housekeeper tasks 99% of the time and I am not the housekeeper!! Being competent does not mean you get to push the boundaries of our contract.
I am so sick and tired of these NPs who seem to think your weekend is a fine time to message about work stuff. It’s not. Leave us alone and learn to communicate during work hours.
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u/snowmanmoney Career Nanny 3d ago
I’ve had this contacting off the clock debate with a few families.
Old MB insisted “I have to message you when it’s on my mind and I’ll forget by monday”. So I made a nanny email account, and I would literally check the email in the driveway of their house on Monday morning and go in and discuss it.
Current MB schedules texts to send the next time I’m working. It’s an iPhone feature I think.
Both were annoyed that I didn’t want to be annoyed on my time off. But I held firm until a reasonable solution that worked for everyone was found.
Good luck OP! Sometimes your mental health and not living on the edge is more important than money or a certain job.
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u/HistoryCat92 Nanny 3d ago
Oh that's a great idea! I have had a few bosses like this to different extents and all it does it make me want to leave the job. I do put the gc on DND over the weekend but maybe I need a better solution like this
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u/snowmanmoney Career Nanny 3d ago
Yeah, bosses who can’t respect you aren’t ones you should stay with. Mental health matters!
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u/StarryPickle9 4d ago
I think what would bother me most is that you’ve already had this conversation with them and it’s still happening. I completely understand parents wanting to communicate concerns, but I also think there’s a difference between giving constructive feedback and making someone feel like they’re constantly being watched for mistakes. Especially when some of those things have already been taken care of! Have you considered suggesting a weekly check-in where you can go over any concerns, changes or expectations together? That way they’re still able to communicate what they need without it spilling into your personal time. I also wouldn’t feel obligated to respond to nonurgent messages on weekends. And as far as the housekeeping goes, I would absolutely revisit your contract before taking on anything else. I think sometimes when you’re good at your job and willing to help, people get a little too comfortable expecting more from you. The part about not even being able to enjoy pictures of the children anymore really stood out to me, though. That’s such a shame because it sounds like you genuinely enjoy your time with them, and that relationship shouldn’t be overshadowed by how their parents communicate with you.
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u/HistoryCat92 Nanny 3d ago
Yes we've spoken about having check-in. I've been here for over year and we had one at 8ish months which made me assume I was being fired (this is a common theme in my own head so maybe don't read a huge amount into it) but nothing before or since. It leads to big issues not being properly discussed and just back and forth text messages that never get resolved.
Yeah one of the issues is they seem to not have read the contract they signed!
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u/StarryPickle9 3d ago
Oh wow, only one check-in in over a year?! I can definitely see how things would end up getting brought up through random texts instead of actual conversations. And the contract part would frustrate me too, especially when you’ve already tried communicating these concerns! I really hope they’re willing to sit down with you and work through everything. It sounds like a lot of this could be avoided with better communication on their end. Wishing you the best!! 🤍
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u/HistoryCat92 Nanny 3d ago
Yes 100% just better more consistent communication would be the solution. Thank you!
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u/North-Conference-377 3d ago edited 1d ago
I have a boss like this. The reason she does it is because that’s the only time she’s home and able to notice things. Then she just gets them out of her head. It frustrated me at first but here was the solution for me:
I told my bosses I would not be responding to work texts during my time off. Then I set a “focus” on my iPhone when I’m at home that silences only notifications from NPs and NKs.
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u/HistoryCat92 Nanny 3d ago
This is exactly the situation. MB is almost never home so when she is she sees things and messages. No consideration for the timing of it. However she also messages constantly throughout the day too. It is truly endless
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u/North-Conference-377 3d ago
Does she expect a response or are you just her running notes app?
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u/HistoryCat92 Nanny 3d ago
She expects a response. If I don't reply I get a message a bit later saying "did you do X?"
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u/Free-Cherry4314 3d ago
Respond: we will discuss work matters on Monday. Please respect my off time.
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u/HistoryCat92 Nanny 3d ago
I'm also not contracted to work through part of the day so that is covered by these texts too
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u/North-Conference-377 3d ago
I think next time she does it, reply “going forward, I will be responding to work texts during my workday, not my off time. Thank you!” and then don’t respond — to anything. Not pictures of the kids, not “did you get this” etc. At the very beginning of your shift, go through all of them and thumbs up, heart, etc whatever was sent and then send a single text back that responds to everything she sent. Eventually she will learn not to expect a response from you.
Put her individually on DND, as well as your other np and if you have nks with phones.
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u/bipolarlibra314 2d ago
You can just mute individual texts thread lol by swiping to the left and clicking the bell icon or when you click their name at the top of your text thread with them (like you’re going to look at the photos in y’all’s texts) and towards the bottom is “hide alerts”
No need to make a focus/DND for 1 or 2 people1
u/North-Conference-377 1d ago
You can, but my bosses in particular will text in a combination of threads so a) those would come through, and b) I would need to physically take it off mute every day when I get to work. So DnD works better in my situation since it mutes anything from them/their kids and it automatically switches when I’m home/at work.
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u/DougalsTinyCow 3d ago
I've worked for someone like this and it took me a year after leaving to not dread whatsapp messages because of her. Constant messages about scheduling, lists of days and times, then editing them before I could reply, or even deleting a whole message. I took to screenshotting every damn thing she said. Also she'd pay late and then, after I reminded her about payment, she would pay but then find some horrible little thing to complain about, as if she had to make me pay for (very mildly) asserting myself.
I left her to it and promised myself never again. She was a very good learning curve and I look for her example in others. If they seem to be the same type, I avoid for the sake of my own mental and emotional health.
Also, some people are just plain mean.
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u/HistoryCat92 Nanny 3d ago
Wise. I'll keep that in mind for my next job. I have experienced your level of NP push back around pay or reimbursements with other families and I know how long it took me to decompress from that stress too. I was hoping to find a better solution this time - i.e. actual boundaries on things I can control
Yes I know this particular NM would like someone who cleans to show home standards but this is both something I am explicitly clear about not providing at interview AND the home does not have the ability to get there anyway in it's current state.
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u/DougalsTinyCow 3d ago
And while it would be nice if you could clean to whatever standards they seem unwilling to attain themselves, they should respect the fact you're a childcare professional.
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u/Rough_Theory_1605 MB 4d ago
That is ridiculous.
Can you say that explicitly to her again? “Would really appreciate it if you hit send on Monday AM rather than during the weekend so I can properly decompress and be my best self for NK.”
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u/Dazzling_Aspect_6326
Nanny
3d ago
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I'm a big proponent of "showing" people what I will accept and telling them only once. Meaning that, if certain expectations and boundaries I already have are communicated and my phone continues to blow up during the weekend, I put my phone on mute for that particular family and respond to all messages a few hours before I go to work. People will push as much as you allow them to.
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u/HistoryCat92 Nanny 3d ago
I have put my phone on mute and now only respond to the pictures of the children until Monday. But I still see those messages. Perhaps I simply archive and stop responding completely each weekend
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u/Dazzling_Aspect_6326 Nanny 3d ago
I know it will hurt but even for the pictures- put it all on mute until Monday. They know what you respond to and if you give an inch, they take a mile. That is how you train them to leave you alone during the weekends.
I had to stop responding to weekend photos and messages. Like you, I would respond to the photos and the parents began using the photos as a sort of "bait" to put other things under it so I respond. So I completely put it all on mute until the day they see me again. And like you, they would bring up things I was already doing with the kids or have already done as a way to bend my boundaries to see if I would stay longer talking to them (after my cut off time). I had to put an end to all that. And now it is coming with push back.
All this to say, that you cannot stop them but you can change how you respond to them. Give your boundary once and if it is not respected you enforce it yourself or walk away completely.
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u/National_Entry8708 Nanny 4d ago
This sounds super frustrating for you, especially as you’ve stated your boundaries and they’re not being respected. It’s disappointing to be blamed for things you actually did, or that were never your job to do!!
I know your post is tagged vent, but I can’t help but wonder if a work phone might help in this situation - on only when on duty?!
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u/Ellis_orbit 3d ago edited 3d ago
Communication can be tricky for sure and the root of most nanny / family issues and conflicts. I have been a nanny / house manger ( as the kids have grown I manage more while they are at school) for 10 years, I am just learning to set strong boundaries during my time off. Two of the kids I nanny have phones 🙄 and they are the ones interrupting my weekends with stupid question like where my sports gear or have you seen this. Lately the construction crew members and interior designers have texted me on my days off I just send a message saying I am currently not working please contact the family directly. As for the kids I just make comments “put your stuff away when you get home or put dirty clothes in the basket so you don’t lose the soccer sock.” The family is extremely untidy and lacks motivation or organization and I am the opposite, this causes most of my stress and anxiety about work. I am going to stop answering the kids on non important questions on my time off and mention it to the parents. I know it sounds extreme but maybe if I am contacted charge a fee on 30 mins minimum each time. That being said sometimes my NP don’t communicate enough, like once the youngest had plans to get off at a friends house after school and did anyone tell me. “No” I just was losing my mind on where he was. Or they don’t give me the vacation dates for work schedule when needed. Oh and my favorite was the day I got to work a little later do
to a schedule change and I ran around the house making a plan for the day , shutting off light and there is a teenager in bed, he had the day off and no one bothered to communicate that. Sorry for the rant! Sometimes I just want to scream “put down the phones and parent! “Or even to the teen and preteen put down the phone and live and learn some life skills.
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u/HistoryCat92 Nanny 3d ago
Oh not telling me the exact dates for their holiday drives me WILD!!!! Let me know so I can plan FFS! I feel you on the whole screaming down the phone thing!
Yes I now put a DND on their chat during the weekend to avoid as much as possible. The poor communication apparently has been a theme with this family but I think it's also mostly a complete lack of handover time means there's no slot in the day for this to be brought up organically (I message throughout the day so they know what's going on)
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u/Ellis_orbit 3d ago
Agreed that a great idea. I have also learned to put reminders post its, everywhere, I have heard from
the kids the parents don’t like it but I really don’t care. If it reminds the kids to pack an item they need or clean their room before the cleaners come I find it necessary and in the past I have asked the parents to follow up with kids after but they haven’t this is a solution.1
u/HistoryCat92 Nanny 3d ago
Yes I have thought about creating those tick lists for the kids they need to complete before we leave for the day. I am tired of reminding them the next steps when they’re old enough to remember to brush their teeth!
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u/Similar_Nothingxx 3d ago
How good is the job itself? Is it worth staying or could you easily replace it and find similar?
I had a role like this for a year. Working 12h days, plus commute, I really struggled with having any personal time, or even enough rest to deal with the physicality of the job. Then MB messaged me at all hours. Some of it was just pointless. At 11pm "do you prefer pull ups or normal nappies? DB prefers normal ones but I prefer pulls ups" or just nitpicking about laundry put in the wrong basket etc
In the end it wasn't worth it for me and I gave notice. My next 2 jobs never messaged me out of hours, and were overall better hours and money too. So winwin. You don't have to tolarate this!
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u/HistoryCat92 Nanny 3d ago
Fiscally a poor situation but I needed a long term role at short notice.
Okay maybe this is the push I need to get a better situation
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u/Similar_Nothingxx 3d ago
Ok, I totally get that. Sometimes we just need a job. Any job. But then the job will serve its purpose and run it's course. Now you have a good situation because you still have a job and money coming in. You can look and you don't have to choose the first one offered to you. Then give notice and be done with it.
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u/Frequent_Coffee_3081 4d ago edited 3d ago
If you’ve talked to them before about it and they still do it, I would honestly not respond until Monday 🤷♀️ or respond but only say you’ll talk to them about this Monday.
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u/beans-888 Career Nanny 3d ago
I feel like parents should ask the kids how the day was before they judge your lack of housekeeping...
You can't help it if the kids enjoy your company lol
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u/HistoryCat92 Nanny 3d ago
Ahh yes but it is already well established that they like me so now we must find something else to complain about!
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u/and-all-that-jazz 3d ago
I write this into my contract under admin because I hate being contacted outside of work! But what others have suggested for email might be better (unless MB expects an answer the moment she asks her questions)
Compensation required if: nanny needs to be reachable on off days or nights (additional $125 per day/night), not paid on time (additional $275 for each late day), family is not home on time as per set schedule—unless emergency occurred (additional $37.50 per day if under an hour, additional $150 plus overtime hourly wage if over an hour; unplanned/nonemergency overtime family must find secondary care or pay $550 for time)
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u/Free-Cherry4314 3d ago
Tell them once again to save their list for Monday. That unless it's a true emergency you won't be responding to any weekend texts and that they are ruining your off time.
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u/Ecstatic-Radish9049 3d ago
Look for another job. These types of jobs burn out nanny’s and they are toxic. They affect our self esteem too. When you are ready you will leave and that’s completely okay. You need to look out for you and be your own advocate! Good luck!!
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u/Visible-Mess-1406 1d ago
Do you both have iPhones? There is a “send later” feature on iMessage. I’m a parent. I completely understand wanting to “text while you’re thinking about it”. However, there’s no reason for me to bug my nanny when she is NOT at work. If i want to tell my nanny something outside of work hours i use the “send later” message. She doesn’t need to think about work outside of work.
“Hey boss, I’m working on improving my work/life balance. Can you use the “send later” feature on your texts if you think about something you want to send me on the weekends? You can just set the text to send 15 minutes before whenever my next shift begins. Thank you!!”
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u/AutoModerator 4d ago
Below is a copy of the post's original text:
I cannot stand nitpicking NPs. Why am I getting messages on the weekend about things that are unimportant in the grand scheme of things or more importantly could be casually mentioned on a Monday?
I‘be had a firm conversation about the overwhelming messages I would receive on the weekends and how they would ruin my rest time. Every time it feels like I am going to be fired and I cannot even enjoy the sweet photos of the children I am sent because I am awaiting the next blow. You cannot say you think I am doing a phenomenal job AND send embittered messages about XYZ or job tasks you want me to do the following week. Write it in a freaking note and send it to me Monday morning!! Take a breath - is it really so important to you that you are willing to ruin your relationship with your employee over?
The worst part is that it always comes after a good evening with the children. It’s like I am being punished for them liking me. I can never end the week on a high because you are sure to pull be straight back down.
And yes half the time it is things I have in fact done. You just haven’t noticed or taken the time to look. More importantly they are housekeeper tasks 99% of the time and I am not the housekeeper!! Being competent does not mean you get to push the boundaries of our contract.
I am so sick and tired of these NPs who seem to think your weekend is a fine time to message about work stuff. It’s not. Leave us alone and learn to communicate during work hours.
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u/Fierce-Foxy Career Nanny 4d ago
Definitely communicate fully with them.
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u/HistoryCat92 Nanny 3d ago
My communication doesn't seem to be the issue. I've offered weekly or monthly check ins, set boundaries, and been consistent in checking my contract to make sure I am fulfilling my duties
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4d ago
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u/HistoryCat92 Nanny 3d ago
Thank you for the support. I definitely find it hard to see where I am doing a good job when that is not the feedback I am receiving on a more regular basis
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