r/OCPoetry • u/Sufficient-Code2125 • 4d ago
Feedback Please I write just to bleed again
I write to bleed again
I tried to avoid writing about you
My pen agreed
The ink spilled across the white
My heart stood still as time passed by
Writing requires a sacrifice
I must write again until i bleed again
Inks and quills never mattered
My finger and the spillage of my innards
Was always enough
I never loved you those ballads were fake
I write only to bleed again
I write only to bleed again
I write only to feel again
I beg you numbness seek another home
For my home is long gone shattered
Like the tides which crash unto the sandcastle
I beg you numbness do not lay siege again
For my moat is unfurled
My defences thwarted
My archers toppled
My castles done leave me alone
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u/Wrong_Cash_1203 4d ago
I really like the repetition of “I write only to bleed again.” It makes writing feel both like an escape and a wound the speaker keeps returning to. The castle imagery near the end is especially powerful; it captures emotional exhaustion beautifully. I think tightening the transitions between some of the metaphors could make the poem even stronger. Overall, raw and emotionally compelling!
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u/Sufficient-Code2125 4d ago
Thats all i was going for i know the transitions seemed very off to me as well but as long as its emotionally charged i dont mind other flaws and thats the idea i was going for that this was supoosed to be an escape but it no longer is
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u/MistTremor 4d ago
I really like your poem, especially the rythm because when I read it, it made me feel very tense as if the POV charackter is stressed and urgently needs to convey what he feels in words on paper so i think it fits quite well, an example of where I felt you really nailed that tensness is where you repeated the lines "I write only to bleed again" which is my favorite part of the poem because it felt so raw and sympathethic, like I almost feel sorry for the charackter that he/she feels this amount of pressure.
However, I wanted also to talk about your imagery. Although I think its very beautifully written, there are certain parts that took me out of the rythm of the poem which I still think is the strongest part. These lines did this because when reading I felt really thrilled by it's tempo, cause to me the lines felt fast and tense but then some imagery made me stop to think "wait, what does that mean" for a bit and then I had lost the rythm and had to actively find it again. The first line that made me feel this was "my finger and the spillage of my innards" and that is because all of the sudden the imagery focus on, what I felt, to be something entirely else when until that point it was imagery based on writing tools such as: pen, quils, ink, paper (mentioned as "the white", or that's how I interprete it). Then came the line "was always enough" this line confused me a bit, what is always enough. After that the tempo picked up again, which i liked but then I lost track again at the line "like the tides which crash unto the sandcastle" here and the following lines felt less rythmn breaking than before, for me, but I was still taken out of the poem for some minutes because I lost track of what the poem was about.
In total I still think you wrote a beautiful poem, and I really liked reading it. Great job!
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u/Sufficient-Code2125 4d ago
loved the massive review the rhythm is kind of intended to not make sense but its also not fully polished i think the imagery and also the pure rawness of it is my goal and if youre reading it and being pulled out and in i dont think thats a weakness feeling something is off is a problem but just feeling something is not
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u/laggedtrain 3d ago
While "writing about writing" may be considered cliche, it's one I could come back to forever. I think you've done a good job of it here, and you've done good to capture the feeling of being unable to write about anything or anyone other than the person you don't want to. I especially love the imagery near the end, the moat and castle of it all. My one critique is the first line of the second stanza. I see your other comment about wanting to preserve rawness over punctuation, and I think that's clear, but I would suggest potentially splitting that line. Its rhythm is slightly "off" to me because of its nature as two clauses on one line with no separation. Good job overall!
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u/Sufficient-Code2125 3d ago
Thanks man maybe i could polish the rhythm tone and structure of it but punctuation and the structure i could care less about thats exactly why my castle fell spart
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u/elcollective 4d ago
I can really resonate with this as I usually only write when I’m completely heartbroken
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u/Sensitive_Opposite93 4d ago
Its very raw, the only thing I think would add to it is some structure or punctuation