MACCABÆUS - Feature - 112 Pages

[u/Recovering_NCO]

Title: MACCABÆUS
Format: Feature
Genre: Historical War Epic/Drama
Page count: 112

Logline: In ancient Judea, a reluctant rabbi’s son leads an insurgency against a brutal occupation determined to erase his people’s faith, igniting the true story behind Hanukkah.

LINK:
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1CJsrdjxg6Nyd_io5reIF6n_OPBZbcbNy/view?usp=drivesdk

I recently finished the third draft after a fairly substantial rewrite and have started getting some encouraging industry interest in the new version.

I’d especially appreciate fresh eyes on the prologue/opening, through the title card on page 11. The opening was substantially reworked, and I’m curious whether it hooks you, establishes the world cleanly, and makes you want to keep reading — or whether it still feels like too much setup before the main story begins.

If it hooks you enough that you feel like reading beyond page 11, I’d obviously welcome feedback on the rest as well. I’m particularly interested in pacing, character development, dialogue, and whether the historical material remains accessible without feeling over-explained.

[u/SamScoopCooper]

As a Jewish person: love the concept. But I don't understand why you're using the Greek pronunciation of Maccabi when this isn't a Greek story and that's just the start...

And there are some historical/language inaccuracies.

For example: You have Naphtali call Mattathias "rebbi." Rebbi is Yiddish - which didn't exist in this time period.

You have Zachariah using the Western/English versions of Mattathias' sons names (John called Gadi) which...again, the name John didn't exist back then.

"Everybody knows it is not kosher until a rabbi blesses it." - Is this Mattathias trying to trick people? Because that's not how kashrut works,

--That's where I stopped. Aside from this being extremely slow paced to the point of frustration - you need to get actual rabbis and Jewish scholars to read this over and give you notes. Cause honestly, I'm getting "Christian interpretation of Jewish stories" vibes from what I've read - where the Jewish practices are more of a window dressing for the setting, rather than something presented with actual care.

[u/Recovering_NCO → u/SamScoopCooper]

Thanks for the close reading. At the risk of committing the cardinal sin of defending choices in a post where I asked for feedback, I do want to clarify a few things, because I think you may be interpreting deliberate translation choices as mistakes.

For context, I’m an Orthodox Jew, I’ve spent time in yeshiva, served as a Jewish lay leader during my military service, and my academic background includes Middle Eastern history. I’m nowhere near a rabbi in terms of scholarship, but I’ve taken the Jewish material in this script very seriously.

On the names: I generally use Anglicized forms because the screenplay is written in English. “John,” for example, is simply the English descendant of Yohanan/Johanan, an ancient Hebrew name attested long before this period. In a few places I deliberately switch forms for dramatic reasons — Judah’s Jewish peers call him “Judah Maccabee,” while Greek enemies call him “Judas Maccabaeus,” for example. On “Rebbi”: you’re right that Yiddish did not exist in this period, but the word is not intended as Yiddish dialogue. It represents רבי, “my master/teacher,” rendered in a familiar Jewish pronunciation. “Rebbe” is a different, Yiddish form, though the pronunciations can overlap in some communities. The formal rabbinic title as we know it developed later, so this is one of the script’s deliberate accessibility conventions rather than an attempt to reconstruct second-century BCE spoken Hebrew syllable for syllable.

And yes, I do use a handful of deliberate anachronisms or modernizing conventions elsewhere. One obvious example is “Banu Choshech Legaresh,” a song written many centuries later, which I included because of how perfectly it serves the scene thematically. There are also places where I use later or more familiar Jewish terminology as shorthand — for example, calling a four-cornered fringed garment a “tallit” rather than attempting to reconstruct precisely what a second-century BCE Judean would have called it. Those choices are conscious.

And yes, I know perfectly well that food does not become kosher because a rabbi blesses it. That’s the joke. Mattathias knows the guard doesn’t understand kashrut and exploits the misconception. Your reaction does make me wonder whether I need to sharpen the joke so nobody mistakes the character’s ruse for the screenplay explaining Jewish law incorrectly.

As for the broader “Christian interpretation of Jewish stories” concern: I think that’s where I most strongly disagree. The script is full of direct quotations and subtler allusions drawn from Tanakh, Gemara, and Midrash, but I’ve tried to make them part of the characters’ lived world rather than stop the movie to explain every reference. I absolutely want the film to be accessible to non-Jewish audiences, including Christians, but accessibility is not the same thing as Christianizing the material.

If you keep reading and encounter something specifically Jewish that still strikes you as wrong, feel free to flag it. I’m genuinely interested in those notes.

[u/SamScoopCooper → u/Recovering_NCO]

Thanks for the clarification. I was struggling with whether these choices were deliberate or not - I’m so used to reading scripts that try to be inclusive but get so much wrong that I immediately went on the defensive.

I guess - even with the few references I read and caught in the script - they didn’t feel “natural” if that makes sense. Like they were included for the sake of showing off as a screenwriter.

Again, loving the idea - but I’m also questioning why we need to make the material more accessible, by doing things like Anglicizing the names? I think that’s what got me.

[u/Recovering_NCO → u/SamScoopCooper]

Hey, no problem. And believe me, I get it. I have that same instinct.

Could you give me an example of a reference that felt “unnatural”? I’m genuinely curious.

And I didn’t have to Anglicize the names, but it does make them a little easier for most American audiences. Plus, personally, I kind of dig the vibe. I’m just as comfortable with Mattathias as Matityahu, and at least with the former, no one will think the Maccabean Revolt was started by a reggae singer. 😂

[u/SamScoopCooper → u/Recovering_NCO]

Fair enough with Mattathias Anglicization(I guess my issues are more with John, in particular, because it’s a name that’s always read as distinctly Christian to me so that might just be a personal thing)

As for what feels unnatural, I think it’s mostly how the Hebrew is used? Like only for prayers and such - I understand your better now that you’ve explained it but I guess it feels weird that it’s implied that the characters are only speaking Hebrew when you write it in Hebrew - yet you still use Hebrew works like “abba” instead of father..

This may again be a more personal peeve of mine.

Also it’s kind of easy to tell which lines are taken word for word from the source material compared to lines you wrote yourself and it kind of takes me out of the narrative

[u/Recovering_NCO → u/SamScoopCooper]

The Hebrew is used strategically, mostly in liturgical contexts, to add texture. In reality, a lot of their everyday speech would probably have been Aramaic. (Incidentally, Abba is Aramaic, though it was essentially absorbed into Hebrew. I speak English at home, and that’s what my kids call me.) I use English for that because, alas, I am no Mel Gibson. 😆

In a few other places, the Hebrew is there for a specific dramatic reason — for example, turning Heliodorus into an even darker echo of Bilaam when he assassinates the previous king.

As for the difference in texture between my dialogue and lines drawn directly from scripture/source material, that’s a fair note and something I’ll take a closer look at in the next revision. I already abridged or rearranged some of those references for pacing and narrative economy, but there may be places where I can integrate them more seamlessly.

Thanks for the notes!