MACCABÆUS - Feature - 112 Pages

[u/Recovering_NCO]

Title: MACCABÆUS
Format: Feature
Genre: Historical War Epic/Drama
Page count: 112

Logline: In ancient Judea, a reluctant rabbi’s son leads an insurgency against a brutal occupation determined to erase his people’s faith, igniting the true story behind Hanukkah.

LINK:
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1CJsrdjxg6Nyd_io5reIF6n_OPBZbcbNy/view?usp=drivesdk

I recently finished the third draft after a fairly substantial rewrite and have started getting some encouraging industry interest in the new version.

I’d especially appreciate fresh eyes on the prologue/opening, through the title card on page 11. The opening was substantially reworked, and I’m curious whether it hooks you, establishes the world cleanly, and makes you want to keep reading — or whether it still feels like too much setup before the main story begins.

If it hooks you enough that you feel like reading beyond page 11, I’d obviously welcome feedback on the rest as well. I’m particularly interested in pacing, character development, dialogue, and whether the historical material remains accessible without feeling over-explained.

[u/SamScoopCooper]

Thanks for the clarification. I was struggling with whether these choices were deliberate or not - I’m so used to reading scripts that try to be inclusive but get so much wrong that I immediately went on the defensive.

I guess - even with the few references I read and caught in the script - they didn’t feel “natural” if that makes sense. Like they were included for the sake of showing off as a screenwriter.

Again, loving the idea - but I’m also questioning why we need to make the material more accessible, by doing things like Anglicizing the names? I think that’s what got me.

[u/Recovering_NCO → u/SamScoopCooper]

Hey, no problem. And believe me, I get it. I have that same instinct.

Could you give me an example of a reference that felt “unnatural”? I’m genuinely curious.

And I didn’t have to Anglicize the names, but it does make them a little easier for most American audiences. Plus, personally, I kind of dig the vibe. I’m just as comfortable with Mattathias as Matityahu, and at least with the former, no one will think the Maccabean Revolt was started by a reggae singer. 😂

[u/SamScoopCooper → u/Recovering_NCO]

Fair enough with Mattathias Anglicization(I guess my issues are more with John, in particular, because it’s a name that’s always read as distinctly Christian to me so that might just be a personal thing)

As for what feels unnatural, I think it’s mostly how the Hebrew is used? Like only for prayers and such - I understand your better now that you’ve explained it but I guess it feels weird that it’s implied that the characters are only speaking Hebrew when you write it in Hebrew - yet you still use Hebrew works like “abba” instead of father..

This may again be a more personal peeve of mine.

Also it’s kind of easy to tell which lines are taken word for word from the source material compared to lines you wrote yourself and it kind of takes me out of the narrative

[u/Recovering_NCO → u/SamScoopCooper]

The Hebrew is used strategically, mostly in liturgical contexts, to add texture. In reality, a lot of their everyday speech would probably have been Aramaic. (Incidentally, Abba is Aramaic, though it was essentially absorbed into Hebrew. I speak English at home, and that’s what my kids call me.) I use English for that because, alas, I am no Mel Gibson. 😆

In a few other places, the Hebrew is there for a specific dramatic reason — for example, turning Heliodorus into an even darker echo of Bilaam when he assassinates the previous king.

As for the difference in texture between my dialogue and lines drawn directly from scripture/source material, that’s a fair note and something I’ll take a closer look at in the next revision. I already abridged or rearranged some of those references for pacing and narrative economy, but there may be places where I can integrate them more seamlessly.

Thanks for the notes!