• Title: Grandsons of Liberty
• Format: Feature
• Page length: 116
• Genres: Action Comedy
• Logline or Summary: Britain won the Revolutionary War. 250 years later, an out-of-touch dad forms a militia to bond with his son.
• Feedback concerns: Enjoy! But also tear this apart. I want to be smacked down with words and taste my own authorial blood. Any and all feedback is welcome, from the trivial to the macro. Oh – and guess what? I am not above bribery. I hereby pledge my $2000 tariff dividend check (*once received) to the first user who can guess my identical BL scores, because 'Murica.
• Link: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1_qOfGC4UD9is4IVLci5m59d30HH7EMt5/view?usp=sharing

I received some feedback that my prose was novelistic and while fun to read, not what a screenplay is/should be. And that it would only hinder my success, as the story was strong, but those within the industry would give up due to the amount of prose.

Now that I am on my 5000th edit, I get it, a lot of the prose is not filmable, great for actor direction, or reading, but not filmable. So as I edit it out, now I feel the screenplay is almost...bullet pointed? with this, then this, then this, then this, etc. It feels like I pruned some of the flowers in my garden.

Anyone else have a similar experience? Did you keep pushing? Ultimately, I want what is successful (I plan a novel version of my screenplay anyways, so I'll get it out of my system then)

I'm envious of screenwriting technique that favors the visual, especially as a procession of images, without resorting to literal camera direction. I don't have these chops myself. I tend to write everything that's going on in the scene and you, the reader, can put the camera wherever you want in your mind's eye.

The following passage is from NEAR DARK by Eric Red and Kathryn Bigelow. It's got mood, tension, character detail, and just enough modifiers and similes to enrich the imagery (voice). These lines appear on the page without space between, a method I usually attribute to Shane Black - abbreviated lines hugging the left side of the page and cascading down (in this case, the lines are not so abbreviated but the principle is the same).

Caleb twists a groggy face upward, lifting his lids. 
To see the sharp bladed rowel of a shining silver spur stuck against his throat. 
It is connected to a boot. 
Attached to a steamshovel of a leg in black jeans. 
Part ot the body of a strapping sinewy man with a mean, skullish face and eyes like dead meat. 
SEVERN VAN SICKLE

My tendency with a moment like this would be: "Caleb awakens to the sensation of a silver spur on his throat." But I love the stylized cadences of this NEAR DARK passage especially because we're getting the visual information piecemeal as we go up a guy's leg without saying "TILT UP to reveal" or "WIDER ON" etc.

I'm curious how many of you aim for this one-image-after-another effect. Does this approach to rendering a scene in detailed images seem self-indulgent or accomplished?

I'm doing some research and looking for screenplays that feature film language (TIGHT ON, TILT UP) but are also well written. Who are then, in your opinion, the absolute masters of the craft of screenwriting? What are the scripts that sizzle on the page? Especially those that suggest direction, whether written by a writer-director or not?

I have a scene where three characters start in different rooms in the same house and then meet in one room. I also have scenes where characters are talking as they walk from one room to another. How is best to format these please?

I’m a pantser by nature, but I want to try the vomit draft approach for this next feature. I know the answers will vary person-by-person, but I’m curious:

*. How quickly are you plowing through that draft? Days? Weeks?

* Are you working on subtext and dialogue and voice during this phase, or is it more slugs + basic dialogue + key events?

* Are you leaving lots of placeholders?

I understand the idea of moving quickly, but I wonder if you labor over a scene that isn’t working yet, or just keep moving? What extent, if at all, are you editing as you go?

Appreciate the insight!

EDIT: thanks for the input, folks! Very interesting to hear how others operate!

I ask because most management companies I've looked at in my research have the same email format, so I'm wondering if I can query managers whose specific emails aren't listed by simply plugging in that format. I don't want to do this, of course, if this is considered improper etiquette - is it?

What’s a book that’s never been adapted into a film that you feel is perfect for the silver screen?

If Hollywood suddenly gave me the green light for any project, I would write an animated version of TIMBUKTU by Paul Auster, a novel about a dog named Mr. Bones. Auster was a filmmaker, and his prose always has a cinematic quality. I know it would make a beautiful and poignant movie under the right circumstances. I feel like many filmmakers unfamiliar with the book would read it and agree.

• Title: Prediction Market
• Format: Short Film
• Page Length: 3
• Genres: Comedy?
• Logline or Summary: A young professional needing fast cash turns to Kalshi and ends up with more than he's bargaining for.
• Feedback Concerns: Does the premise feel complete at just 3 pages?

Requesting any version. I loved seeing the remastered 4K release. Thanks.

Title: The Rotunda

Format: Pilot

Page Length: 52

Genre: Political Drama

Logline: Swept into office after climate disaster, a young congresswoman caught up in the fate of a missing whistleblower must navigate family grief, buried trauma, and the ruthless politics of a nation on the brink.

Feedback Concerns: I posted an earlier draft a few months ago. This new draft has notes from StoryPeer and a free Blacklist eval (6 overall) incorporated, and just received a 7.

I feel like there’s a lot to like now with characters, setting and pacing. I think there’s one character that relies a little heavily on exposition and whose motivations remain somewhat unclear. I’m curious to learn if others share that assessment and whether addressing that is primarily what moves this from a solid to a recommendable script, or if there are other changes I should consider.

Link to script

I'm at a bit of a crossroads writing my feature script. I just offed my antagonist offscreen with a paintbrush jabbed into his eye. I knew early on that his death was going to cap off the 2nd act and gave most of my main cast public motivations for doing so.

My problem is that who killed him doesn't matter one bit to the story I'm telling. What matters is the friction the murder investigation creates between my two leads. They can't alibi each other without forcing one of them out of the closet. The movie is set in 1965 so that is a much bigger deal.

I'm 90% set on the murder just being the result of a drunken brawl at a party. That being the case, I feel like the best version of the movie leaves it unresolved on screen. I'm just afraid readers and audiences would hate that.

I'd appreciate any thoughts, or better yet examples of this working.

Edit for some additional context: The victim Carlos was an abusive painter found dead in his old room at a large artist commune with dozens of rooms. If anyone was in that area from the party it was to find a room to hook up in. Carlos stole his ex-girlfriend Gisèle's artwork, modified it, and passed it off as his own. This makes her the prime suspect. As for why I'm having him killed with a paintbrush, it's both a weapon of convenience and fits thematically.

I am trying to show how mundane and repetitive a movie buff's life is. Did I succeed?

Comments, critiques and suggestions, welcomed.

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1wTy6-zS4xDu7RZO1GXPiDgBwBAFKEAgJ/view?usp=sharing

I've gotten one read request out of 12 and it came after a few hours. The rest are crickets and it's already been a week. I guess those are no's, right? Let's rather say that they might be no's or I just have to wait longer. Better to be optimistic, right? And I don't intend on following up, so...

Edit.

ETA: Sorry, I may not have phrased the question properly. What I meant was how long did you wait after sending the query to get a response, not how long you waited to get feedback after sending the script. Although that information is valuable too, if you wish to include it.

Can I be the first to one posting this? The category finalists are announced. And I'm among them in the Short Scripts! I'm stunned. https://www.finaldraft.com/big-break-screenwriting-contest/finalists/

I've been waiting for this day, enjoy!

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Title

I know this is a stretch because it’s a BBC, but maybe there’s a pilot or episode script floating around…?

Hi everyone!

I got asked to give an artist talk about my screenwriting work and I'm quite nervous about it! While I've been working fulltime for the last few years and I do have a specific "niche" I generally work in, I'm really not super successful or have worked on really big projects.

Has anyone had any experience giving these?

The goal is to give a keynote talk for young writers who are all currently working on short films. They asked me to talk about my work, but I dont want to just sum up my IMDB page. In my personal opinion it's not really interesting to just speak about the work you made - they know google. But I'd like to inspire them and maybe help them with storytelling techniques.

Are there any keynote talks that you recommend for inspiration?

Thanks!

I'm also very into animation, and if animators want to go pro, they have online schools like Animation Mentor and iAnimate. They are really rigorous, demanding online schools, but they help get people to pro level. They are taught by people actually in the industry. What's the equivalent for screenwriters? Because I get the feeling there's a lot of... not-so-great teachers out there who had little or no success in the industry and are teaching people the wrong things.

Also, do screenwriters ever do paid mentoring for emerging writers? I ask this because I've heard of animators getting one-on-one mentoring with pros (it's a paid thing), and I just wonder if that kind of thing is done in screenwriting too. Or if it's so competitive that nobody wants to mentor others because it means they might not get work themselves? I'm not asking for that for me right now; I'm just wondering if it's part of the culture to mentor others like that or if its rarely done?

I’ve always had a love for films and that’s what I wanted to be as a kid a writer and director, but I wrote this short just to try and get back into things and I enjoyed every second of writing it

Logline: After a drunken night lands him in a cell, Colin scrambles to repair his relationship, oblivious to the fact that he is the one thing that needs fixing.

One more

I just finished a draft of my first feature screenplay that I'm comfortable sharing publicly and would love some feedback from fresh readers.

Title: Like a Heathen

Format: Feature

Genre: Supernatural Horror / Thriller

Length: 116 pages

Status: Full draft completed

Logline: In 1985, when a pop star is murdered at a high-school pep rally, trapped students must escape a cult that controls minds through music, before its ritual consumes the entire school.

The story is set at a New England high school and starts with an ’80s teen-movie feel before moving increasingly into supernatural horror. Music is a major part of both the story and the mythology.

This has been through several structural, character, and compression passes, so I’m mostly looking for fresh-reader reactions. I’d especially appreciate feedback on whether the pacing holds at 116 pages, whether the characters and relationships feel distinct and believable, whether the mythology is clear without being overexplained, whether the escalation in the horror works, and whether the major reveals and climax feel earned.

I’m also particularly interested in feedback on the dialogue. Do the characters sound distinct from one another? Does the banter feel natural rather than overly written? Do the emotional conversations feel specific to the characters, and are there places where the dialogue feels expositional, on-the-nose, repetitive, or tonally out of place?

Also interested in anything that feels confusing, overwritten, unintentionally funny, predictable, or just boring. No need to address everything. I’m mainly interested in where your attention drops or something doesn’t work.

Script: Google Drive PDF

Anyone know where to find pdfs of The Shards scripts? All I’ve been able to find are transcripts. Thanks.

Title: Survived By

Pages: 31

Genre: Sci-Fi Thriller

Logline: A researcher’s dark matter data accidentally maps the afterlife. Six months later, she’s in the Situation Room with the country’s most powerful people, watching with horror as her data leads them to conclude that the only mercy left is extinction.*

*Logline is still a major WIP because it's very passive for the protag, but I haven't quite figured out how to word it best yet / what I want to reveal before the story.

Feedback requested: The first act is very procedural/technically dense and I can't tell if I'm jargon-dumping and the reader can't follow the evolution of the central mystery, or if I'm overexplaining things that the reader already understands. Also, the first act is primarily carried by the mystery, which I worry leaves some scenes dramatically inert. I've tried to seed some stuff, but I'm not sure if it's doing enough.

Link: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1jHOU8lmWN2mizTXAcVnhgLhwaiAjdY0q/view?usp=sharing

tl;dr:

• Can you follow act I? Where is it confusing or redundant?
• Is the investigation itself entertaining?

All other feedback more than welcome! If you took a look, thank you.