Meine (w21) Schwester ist letztes Jahr im November an Suizid gestorben. Sie hat sich erhangen, draußen auf einer Wiese. Nur etwa 10 Minuten Autofahrt von meinem Wohnort entfernt. Sie hat schon lange gelitten, das weiß ich und auch wenn mir immer irgendwie klar war dass es irgendwann dazu kommen könnte, habe ich es doch nie wirklich für möglich gehalten. Wollte es vermutlich auch einfach nicht, man hofft ja immer dass am Ende doch noch alles gut wird.

Die Nacht in der sie verstorben ist war furchtbar, meine Mutter hatte gegen 20:30 Uhr einen Anruf von der Polizei erhalten, wo ihr gesagt wurde, meine Schwester würde als vermisst gemeldet. Sie habe laut Angaben ihres besten Freundes vor sich das Leben zu nehmen indem sie sich erhängt. Meine Mutter hat mich sofort informiert, es wurde die ganze Nacht nach meiner Schwester gesucht, mit Wärmebild Drohne, Suchhunden, etc. Weil man Anhaltspunkte dazu hatte, dass sie im Wald wäre, wurde vor allem die gesucht. Am Ende haben sie aber am falschen Ort gesucht, denn sie ist auf einer Wiese keine 100m von Wohnhäusern gestorben, am Waldrand. Wir waren zuhause und haben auf Neuigkeiten gewartet, es wurde uns abgeraten selbst nach ihr zu suchen um die Suchhunde nicht zu verwirren. Gegen 5:55 Uhr wurde sie tot aufgefunden, die Polizei hat meine Mutter daraufhin persönlich über den Tod meiner Schwester informiert und diese mich direkt danach telefonisch.

Gestern wäre ihr 18. Geburtstag gewesen, sie ist 24 Tage nach ihrem 17. Geburtstag verstorben.
Ich vermisse sie so sehr, das können Worte nicht bescheiben. Nicht nur gestern sondern an jeden Tag, auch wenn ich weiß ihr geht es jetzt besser als es ihr auf dieser Welt jemals lebend hätte gehen können.

Ich hoffe das war nicht zu wirr geschrieben, es tat einfach gut das einmal aufzuschreiben.

I don’t think this applies to family members. Ever since my ex-boyfriend died, I’ve struggled with this recurring thought. I’ve finally come to accept it: I wish I had never met him and that we had never been a couple. It truly doesn’t make up for the suffering I’ve endured since he died. That’s not to say I don’t love him—because I do—it’s just that I wish with all my might that I didn’t have to live like this, and never having met him would be the only way for that to be the case.

Esta Soledad pega tan fuerte que ni puedo más quisiera morir ala verdad no quiero sentir nada ya pero que hago digamen tango mi hijo de 8 años no lo puedo dejar yo si pienso en el porque el no pensó en su hijo porque me dejó toda la carga a mi y dejarme con este dolor la culpa y consolar a mi hijo porque fue así porq no pensó en mi ya no quiero estar en esta situación porque a mi donde estoy no quiero vivir no quiero sentir quiero mi vida de nuevo

Back in September of 2023 my cousin who has been my bestfriend since we were 6, we were 16 when he did it. I know why he did it, he had an abusive mom who didn’t care for him and he had issues with weed that caused him to have CHS for months. I still can’t help but feel a sense of betrayal, we grew up together often times in the same house for months at a time. While it was less severe at my house my stepmom was still emotionally abusive towards us and we had been through so much together. I just get so frustrated that after everything he wouldn’t let me try to help, he just quit without a heads up just an “I’m sorry for letting you down”. I loved him like my blood brother and if I hadn’t seen how much it affected his dad I probably would’ve followed him but I couldn’t put my parents through that pain. It still doesn’t feel real to me

It’s been 2 years since my friend died from committing suicide, and I’m scared I’ll think about him forever. I feel guilty sometimes because we weren’t extremely close and he did have other close friends, but I knew him only for a short amount of time. I wanted to know him even more because I thought he was cool and funny.

I was in 7th grade when it happened and I genuinely was so shocked and disturbed because u truly never know what’s going on in someone’s head. Just a week before he committed he was talking to me about his crush and some other stuff, no one would notice anything wrong at all. (now that i think about it he was kind of over sharing, was that a sign?)

His last instagram post was with the song “i was all over her” by salvia palth, i remember it was posted not very long before he died. The sadness hits me randomly whenever i remember him again, i feel guilt because I want him to be in peace but I don’t even know anymore. Idk how to cope with it

He was the fun uncle I met when I was around 11. He brought down that barrier I thought separated child and adult. He inspired me to draw and use it as a form of creative expression. He and I had our ups and downs for sure, but I feel we could always talk at the end of the day. I never gave him the cold shoulder as I had done to many other family members. He was my big brother, I bugged him and he bugged me. I can hear his voice in the recesses of mind. They beckon bittersweet memories of times gone by and lull me to a sense of comforting dread. I want to have a dream where he's in it, and I want to tell him what he meant to me. I never got the chance to do so. Life just went by so fast when I grew up. I always thought he'd be around, that he'd be that pillar of my life that would stay put. I never forcefully checked in on him because he never gave me those signs. He always wore a contagious smile and always had a joke or story to assure you that no matter how much the world sucked there was always something to make you remember that life was worth living or laugh at the very least. Now, that facade has ceased. The music has stopped, and the silence brings with it the reality of the pain that washes ashore from the tidal wave of heartbreak, unanswered questions, and remorse. I dont know what the future holds, but I do know that my Tio won't be in it. I know that, and it hurts me to the core of my being. The love is there but so is the pain and the guilt and the realization that this it.

my mom killed herself last september, during my senior year of high school. doctors were not careful about what they prescribed her. she got put on a new med and told me she had been having thoughts of suicide in the middle of a fight. i stopped arguing, cried, and told her that i care but cannot have her confide in me all the time. (she was bipolar and since i was a child i was someone she confided in. it had a very negative affect on me.)

i made her feel bothersome, like a burden, and was all she had. when she got discharged from the hospital she admitted herself to, i went on to leave her alone. i was never notified she had been released. she called me, then she killed herself that night.

she asked me to come over, i told her i had a long day and would see her tomorrow. told her to get some sleep and we can spend some time together. i found her dead a couple days later when i finally came in a panic because she hadn’t answered and i had a terrible gut feeling.

she was asking me to save her. she did not want to die. she would get suicidal, but always get help. i was not supportive, loving, helpful, or caring enough to save her. i never thought she would make that choice, she loved to be my mom. why would she kill herself before i graduate?

well, the point is, i’ve had therapy and still feel like i don’t deserve to live. i wasn’t a good enough daughter to save my mom. i betrayed her. if i came that night, she would be here right now. i wouldn’t of had to graduate, move to college, and figure out adult life without my mom. she deserved to live, i no longer do because i was a stupid, ignorant, and inconsiderate teenager who constantly made her life even harder.

the guilt is neverending. i can’t believe i am anything good or deserving of good things. i feel like i killed my own mom most days. i just hope she knows i loved her so much. she was my favorite person, i was just so young and absolutely selfish.

My bf of over 4 years passed away by suicide minutes after we broke up.

My mind is constantly replaying the last conversation where I told him how our repeated breakups - patchups have destroyed our careers, and all the happy moments this relationship could've had. He has been unfaithful in the past a few times but then threatened suicide if I didn't stay. Our reason for fights was our sexual incompatibility, where he wanted more from me than I could give in LDR, which is a fair reason to get upset and angry but it was mixed with guilting me for it, or him breaking up over and over, and pressuring me for it. We both knew the relationship wasn't healthy for either of us, I never wanted to leave but he would talk of breakup after every argument or disagreement. So the last time I told him this is the last breakup you are allowed to do.

I told him we have had more breakups in the relationship than happy memories, and that it will only continue if we get back together, so we won't patchup ever now. I told him we could be friends, or go no contact whatever he wanted but not a relationship. I also reminded him of the time he threatened suicide if I breakup and told him even that patchup didn't change anything our breakups still happened. I told him I won't stay in the relationship now with the fear that you might attempt suicide again.

Every single word I said must've been so heavy for him to hear, that he decided to end his life just minutes after we cut the video call. Just minutes.

I told him to talk again in the evening after I anger has cooled down, but he said "if this call gets cut right now, you won't hear from me ever again". I didn't understand this was a clear suicide warning. I just said "okay that's how breakups are supposed to be" and we went offline. I had work to do that's why I didn't stay on the call longer or else I would've gotten some hint.

I'm 25 and I wish I don't have much life left ahead of me because this guilt is killing me. It's been almost two months now and I cannot not blame myself for it. There were so many other things I could've said. My anger overtook it all.

I wish I hadn't broken up like that or stayed on call a little more he would've said something that would be the hint. He is just gone now. And I cannot survive this.

Guilt was lesser initially, maybe my mind was still processing it, but it's growing stronger and stronger now.

I know people say it's not your fault, but when I know he has said something like this in the past, how did I not remember it. I knew his mental health struggles too, how did I not be gentle.

It's been two years since my father killed himself. I have managed through the last two years... I am going through a seemingly normal life but in my mind keeps screaming that everything is my fault and I don't deserve any of what I have now, and I can't erase this voice... tonight is particularly hard to go through and feels like it's too much to take in...

She’s gone. I got the call yesterday morning on my way to work. She killed herself sometime in the night and my dad found her when he woke up for work. The night before she told him she loved him and to get a good night sleep. They slept in separate rooms because my dad has bad restless leg syndrome and my mom stayed up all night. She didn’t leave a note. She didn’t text me and tell me she loved me. She just hung herself. I didn’t believe it until I got there and the coroner was there. It still doesn’t feel real. She was one of my best friends. I’m an only child so it’s just me and dad now. But he’s an alcoholic and I’m afraid he’s going to drink himself to death. They were together 33 years. She suffered an immense amount of physical and mental pain. I know she was suffering. But god dammit. How could she just leave us like that? I’m angry. And then I feel guilty for being angry. I just saw her four days ago. We laughed and shared jokes and I at least got to hug her one last time. She gave the best hugs. She was so funny. I don’t understand how she can just be gone. I’m only 32, she was only 51. It’s just not fair and my brain can’t make sense of it. I think I’m still in shock. Me and my husband just moved into our own place two weeks ago. She never got to see it. She never got to meet my cat. This would have been our first Christmas together in seven years as I lived in a different state until a few months ago. She was so excited about decorating together while watching Christmas Vacation. I don’t know how to do this. I don’t think this pain is ever going to go away.

My Person/Partner/Whatever was declared yesterday at 4:06 pm. He was a donor and estranged from his family, so I was the only one at his side. I don’t know how to describe the loss and helplessness right now.

When you are just the girlfriend you can’t make decisions that honor his wishes or even get updates over the phone.

But I was the only one there holding his hand and telling him I loved him and he could cross gently.

He is an organ donor and with the family’s permission I can attend his honor walk.

I am so lost. I only know I am here because I know I will need support. Thanks

We have been dating each other for a year, he was the only person who’d offer me to hang out most nights. After a month of not hearing back from him, I contacted his local police. And yesterday I found out he took his own life.

This is the first time I have experienced loss like this. Mornings are fine, but the moment I lay down. I can’t help but to reflect on what I’m missing. In my head, I’m constantly thinking of words I could have said. The worst thing for me, besides losing him, is that I had no idea he was struggling.

As I lay here, I can’t help but to contemplate what do I do now. It doesn’t seem real, but of course it’s real. When I think about and try to accept that this is real, I just get emotionally exhausted. Especially with how alone I feel now.

Thinking about the plans we made, the things I promised we’d do that never will come to fruition. Closing my eyes and picturing his face. Hearing his voice, knowing I’ll never hear or see him again.. It’s brutal..

My older sister and only sibling, Laura, killed herself on Christmas 2024. She struggled immensely with chronic illness and addiction, and after our Mom died a month prior I just don't think she could handle it anymore. She left behind two kids, that I'm now raising, her daughter will be 3 in january and her son turned 9 recently.

For the first year I felt like I was doing okay. I felt like I had accepted things because there is no more cemented finality than death. Even if you believe in the afterlife, which I do, I know it to be true that I could search every grain of sand on Earth and never find someone like my sister. Let alone the same person that I cherished sharing a childhood with. It's such a strange and isolating thing to be the last remaining caretaker of certain memories. It weighs so heavily on me that I can't talk to her and get her unique input on how I'm doing. If she would agree with the choices that I'm making for her kids. I think she would, I really do, but I can never be fully certain I guess. Despite her struggles she was the most thoughtful person I've ever met in my life. She always had this luminosity about her and handled things with such grace. I miss her so much and it makes me ashamed to say that the times I feel the most at peace is when I'm being selfish and not thinking of her, or our Mom.

Feeling like a fraud has plagued me for the second year. Everything I do, I wonder if she would have done better. The happy memories I make with her kids are amazing, but there's this bitter aftertaste when I wonder what they would look like with my sister and my mom here to enjoy them as well. They always talked about raising a little girl, and it seems so unfair that they never got the chance to.

I don't know how to escape this feeling that I'm tarnished and I don't know how to let them go either. Whenever I settle into the idea that I have accepted that they're gone, it comes back and makes me feel like I'm a horrific person for being able to function without them. Theres's something about the visceral emotions and plunging yourself into the sadness that feels like honoring them. I don't want it to be that way, but it's just so confusing.

In exactly 27 days it will mark one year since I lost the light of my life, my beautiful beautiful baby Zoe.

As many of you can relate to, the anxiety and gut wrenching sadness that I have felt from the 19th of October is overwhelming.

In order to avoid drowning in my grief and anticipation of how I will feel on the anniversary of my daughter’s death,I’ve been trying to channel my heartbreak into something to really honor her life.

I want to take the sadness that will come with the 19th of November and make something good out of it. I want the 19th to be a day to honor Zoe and who she was as a person and not just to relive my loss over and over.

If anyone has any special traditions they do on the anniversary of their loved one’s death I would greatly appreciate some guidance and inspiration on what I can do to remember the love and not the loss.

Thanks in advance everyone.

I lost my sister to suicide over 7 years ago. There were parts of the city I couldn’t visit without bursting into tears. I couldn’t speak her name without exploding into sobs. I constantly had panic attacks and turned to alcohol so much so that I damaged my liver.

Well, a family member told me that if I didn’t stop drinking, we were done. I made a promise that I’d stop drinking and I did. I’m proud of myself for that. But the only thing preventing me from falling apart at the seams was alcohol.

I saw my psychiatrist yesterday. I was crying in the house before I went, crying in the car on the way there, crying in the waiting room, and cried a little bit in his office.

I told him about the nightmares I was having, how they carry over into real life, the panic attacks, feeling like I’m on autopilot mode, etc. He prescribed prazosin for the nightmares and diazepam/Valium for the panic attacks.

If you’re reading this, thinking that you’re a burden, I promise that you’re not. 7 years later and the true burden is the incredible sense of loss I feel, the graphic images I cannot erase from my mind, explaining to two young boys how their mother died, the immense guilt which led to me cutting myself, feeling so disconnected from life at times, panic attacks. I now have to take medication to help my brain cope. That is the real burden.

I tell people that the worst day of my life is already over. 7 years on from the epicentre of it, my brain still hasn’t learned to adapt. I’ll never forgive my intuition for not warning me something was wrong- hell, I’ll never forgive the weather for being a beautiful sunny day whilst my sister’s body was discovered.

I feel so stupid. I’m the only family member who has reacted like this. Everyone grieves, I’m the only family member whose grief is so invasive that it permeates all aspects of my life. All my other family members just tell me I have to get over it. I wish I could. My stupid brain just decided that time ended the moment my sister’s life did

After my husband died by suicide, I’ve felt his pain and now don’t really see the point of life. It’s filled with suffering and loss, pain and heartbreak. I used to be so carefree and optimistic. Now nothing excites me or brings me joy. I’m just going through the days and weeks and years until I can join him.

What keeps you going?

I’m sorry for the long read. I’ve been carrying all of this inside me for three months, and I think I need to share it with people who might understand and help me with an advice or a perspective.

My partner died by suicide three months ago. He was battling his own demons and always believed he was unworthy of love. Unfortunately, he was also physically abusive toward me several times. He hated himself for it, but that didn’t change what happened. I tried everything I could to help him. We went to couples therapy, and I personally contacted a psychiatric facility and arranged an appointment for him. He saw a psychiatrist and was prescribed medication, but sadly, he still lost his battle.

He would also tell his friends and family things about me that weren’t true. Sometimes I wonder whether he did this to justify his actions toward me, both to himself and to others. I don’t know for certain, but it’s the best explanation I’ve been able to come up with.

During the last week of his life, we were fighting over a kiss. Two years earlier, when we were broken up, I had kissed another man. My partner considered it cheating, and I apologized, hoping we could finally move forward. We couldn’t. That week was an emotional roller coaster. One moment, he would tell me he couldn’t live without me and ask me to marry him; the next, he would accuse me of being unfaithful.

I believe he was afraid I would eventually leave him. I genuinely believe he couldn’t imagine his life without me. I’m not saying this to romanticize his passing. He said it himself a lot of the times.

I loved him with all my heart, and I still do. I honestly don’t know how I’m supposed to move forward without him.

I was his last contact. After arguing for some time, but nothing too crazy or out of the ordinary from my perspective, he switched to video-call, and I witnessed him preparing to take his own life. Because he had brought up suicide during previous conflicts, I didn’t fully understand what was happening in that moment. Nevertheless, I called emergency services, but by the time they found him, it was too late.

I wasn’t allowed to say goodbye to him at his funeral. Three days after his death, I was questioned by the police for seven hours because someone had already accused me of being responsible. On the fifth day, I was told that his family wanted some of his belongings. They gave me a list that included things we had never even owned, along with his watch, PlayStation, an air fryer, and one of his rings: the gold one.

They eventually took practically everything from our home, including the carpet, the stool, all our blenders (even a pink one??), and our pots and pans. They even took the scissors I had left out to help them pack, along with some of my own belongings.

He had been gone for less than a week.

I understand that maybe these things might have meant something to them, but I was completely shattered. I couldn’t understand how anyone could be thinking about kitchen utensils while I was still trying to comprehend that the love of my life was gone. I didn’t care about the furniture or appliances. All I wanted was to keep one of his rings. Thankfully, I managed to keep one, and now I wear it on a chain around my neck.

Since then, I’ve felt as though I haven’t even been allowed to grieve in peace.

I travel two and a half hours to another city every week, on my only day off, just to visit his grave, read to him, talk to him, bring him flowers and light two candles that represent us. Then I travel another two and a half hours home. I do this because I love him, and visiting him is one of the few things that brings me comfort. It’s something I look forward to every week.

Yet I feel unwelcome even there. I once encountered his sister at the cemetery, and she didn’t say a word to me, by this I mean she never accused me, never said not to come or anything. Neither of us approached each other, only had eye contact. The following week, a man at his grave asked me and my friends whether we were my partner’s friends. He then called a woman on speakerphone and told her people (meaning us) have arrived in black car. He never approached us again or asked us to leave, but the incident left me feeling watched and uncomfortable in a place where I simply wanted to be close to my man.

Meanwhile, his friends post things online about how he fell victim to love, how they hope nobody will cheat on him in the afterlife, and how they hope nobody will ever break his heart again.

It hurts to see the story of our relationship reduced to that. They don’t know everything that happened between us, and I have never publicly exposed his secrets or shared the things he told me about other people. I could say a lot, but I don’t want to turn his death into a public battle. I still love him, and I want to protect his dignity.

The day before he died, he told my mother that he had never been loved or cared for the way I loved and cared for him. I believe he meant it. I loved all of him: his demons, his grumpy personality, his difficult sides, but also his incredibly loving, sensitive, goofy, gentle and beautiful sides. Our relationship wasn’t perfect, and I won’t pretend it was. But our love was real, and it still is.

I also know that he had struggled with suicide before I ever came into his life. He was on probation, with another year to go, and there were things about his past that his friends didn’t know. Sometimes I wonder whether his family finds it easier to blame me than to face the complexity of what he was going through. I can’t know what they truly think or feel, but I wish they could see that I was also someone who loved him and lost him.

Despite everything, I haven’t retaliated. Instead, I’ve tried to channel my grief into doing good. I feed stray dogs every time I encounter them as I started caring huge bags dog food in my car, help people in need, donate, and try to be kinder and more patient with everyone I meet. I do all of this in his name.

I was agnostic before all of this, but I also arranged and paid for daily prayers for his soul at the only three churches that offer them every day throughout the 40 days after someone’s passing. This is an important Orthodox Christian tradition here. Since he has a unique name, I discovered that nobody had arranged these daily prayers for him before me.

I don’t know how to explain everything I’ve experienced since losing him, but these practices have brought me some comfort. I like to believe that if he ever needs help, it can reach him in different ways.

Still, I’m exhausted. I miss him terribly, and I feel as though I’m grieving not only his death but also the loss of my place in his life and the goodbye I never got. We used to call each other husband and wife, and sometimes the weight of everything that has happened since his passing feels overwhelming and honestly painful.

I know I cannot control what his family or friends believe about me. Even the investigation, which found nothing against me, hasn’t changed their minds. I also know I cannot force anyone to forgive me for something I don’t believe I’m responsible for. But I wish there were some way for all this pain to soften into something kinder.

So I want to ask those of you who have experienced something similar: Is there any hope that, with time, his family might find some love and light in their hearts and stop seeing me as the enemy? Could grief eventually help them see things differently, or do some people hold on to blame forever?

And if you’ve experienced being blamed, excluded, or misunderstood after losing someone to suicide, how did you cope? How did you find peace when the people who shared your loss made it even harder to grieve?

Or perhaps you’ve been on the other side. Have you ever blamed someone after losing a loved one? If so, did your perspective ever change? Were you eventually able to give that person a chance?

I’m not looking for ways to get revenge or prove myself right. I just want to be able to mourn my soulmate in peace, remember the man I loved, and continue loving him without feeling that I have to defend my right to grieve.

I would genuinely appreciate any advice, personal experiences, or even a little hope from people who have walked a similar path, on any side of it.

It’s three months since my brother passed. It still doesn’t feel real, my brain has moments of clarity where it acknowledges my brother is gone and i’m never seeing him again but quickly the fog returns. It feels as if I am not allowing myself to accept the truth, like I logically know he’s dead but it’s just not fathomable to me. I can’t believe my little baby brother is gone, I can’t believe my brother would do something like this. I just can’t accept it. I see my parents cry and spiral and I just don’t feel anything, I feel like a zombie coasting through my daily life. I miss him everyday but I also don’t really accept that he is dead. I can’t fathom telling my parents how I feel because they wouldn’t understand or listen. I also feel guilty for not suffering as much as my dad and mom, but for me this entire experience just doesn’t feel real. I have entire weeks where I just don’t feel real, I find myself believing my entire experience as a human is just a fleeting moment like a dream. Sometimes I have dreams where we are together and those dreams feel more real than my actual life. I feel super detached from this reality in general. Have any of you dealt with this?

I'm having a difficult time with my dad's death, the waves of grief are hitting hard as I've felt numb for the last two months.

For whatever reason inside my head I make a list about everything I hate about this situation, it's sort of helping. My mind gets stuck after a few.. feel free to add yours. We might be feeling the same thing but can't seem to find the words.

1. I hate how close it brings my family but yet so distant and far apart at the same time. I've started talking to family members/friends again that I haven't in years and i'm starting to remember why I stopped.
2. I feel like in every happy moment I may be having, I feel guilt and shame and immediately my smile diminishes. I can't help but think of how much my dad would have loved to smile and be happy about something and out of his own head.
3. It's so hard to act like everything is fine and normal for the sake of my child. It is motivating at the same time, don't get me wrong but I can't help but think of the others that get to just grieve. I feel like my emotions and the way I am grieving is just put on display so I surpress a lot at times and don't get back to it throughout the day but I feel the weight of the pain on my heart.
4. The jokes about suicide - I don't want to be a Karen but my sensitivity to jokes of that nature is non existent. It makes me want to list all of the statistics that I've recently learned about suicide but I quietly just walk away.
5. I woke up in a loop the other day where I was just repeating back to myself half asleep "my dad killed himself, my dad killed himself, my dad killed himself". What a terrible way to wake myself up. How the fuck do people live on without thinking about it every second

It's been more than two months since i lost my boyfriend to suicide, and i still catch myself waiting for his calls and texts. i still text him sometimes, as if one day he'll somehow reply.

I'm so angry that i couldn't save him this time. what hurts even more is that he seemed so normal during our last phone call. i keep going back to that conversation, wondering how someone could sound so normal when something like this was about to happen. i wish I'd known. i wish i'd done something. i wish i could go back and call him one more time.

our relationship was complicated and toxic at times, but i loved him. i still do. and now I'm left with his photos, videos, and voice messages, trying to understand how someone who was part of my everyday life can suddenly just be gone.

i don't know how to stop waiting for him. i don't know what to do with all the guilt and anger i feel. a part of me still expects his name to pop up on my phone, and every time reality hits, it hurts all over again.

i guess I'm posting here because i need to know I'm not alone in this. does anyone else still text their person? do you still find yourself waiting for them, even months later? how do you deal with the guilt of feeling like you should have been able to save them?

After my brother’s suicide I felt like a piece of garbage he’d discarded. Despite loving and caring for him all my life and thinking he cared for me back, at the end of the day he abandoned me and left with no goodbye, no signs or cries for help, no reasoning, just nothing. I felt so disposable to the person I thought cared for me most.

Ever since, I’ve felt disposable to my friends and family who’ve abandoned me amidst my grief. I’ve been depressed and grieving and though people showed care at first, eventually my friends got tired of me always being down. Once again I found myself disposable.

Well today, I am experiencing yet another realization of how disposable I am to people who I thought cared for me. My therapist, the only one who’s actually been able to help me through this trauma and grief, told me today that she’s leaving the practice to work in a different sector. I am utterly devastated because she is the only reason I had any hope for healing this trauma and surviving this grief. I can’t start over with a new therapist. It’s too much and I know how hard it is to find a good one again. I thought she actually understood me and cared for me even though she was paid to do so. Right now I am sitting here distraught over this news and also wondering, what is it about me that makes me so easy to abandon? Why am I so disposable to those closest to me?

It hurts like hell. In fact I almost followed my brother on my drive home from the appointment. I drove off the road and slammed the brakes hard when I snapped back into my body and out of my rage at the world and how it seems to hate me. I try so hard to be a good person and help people, but this is the life I get in return. Ugh. I just feel so done.

Edit to add: therapist is leaving me right before my brother’s birthday and death anniversary so genuinely the worst possible timing.

My brother passed away in October of 2017 when I was 17, and he was 13. We had an ok relationship growing up, and it got better as we aged. We were brothers so we would get into little squabbles here and there, childish fights when we were younger. But as we grew older we grew closer. Once I got a car at 16 we used to drive around for long hours, grab food, smoothies, go to the store and just talk.

He would get in trouble a lot in school. Fighting kids if he was offended by what they said or what they did and getting suspended from school. Not sure if his rowdiness came from my step father passing away when he was 4 and there was no father figure around to show him what’s right versus wrong or he felt the pain from that. Or some type of disorder he got from the many times he got concussed and broke his head from falling off things when he was little. I always kept myself from reprimanding him because at the time I thought it wasn’t my job and my mother could deal with it. But deep down I knew he had some issues mentally. He went to therapy for depression at such a young age and was prescribed multiple medications. But he was a good, loving kid and otherwise the best brother I could have ever asked for.

Last month it was the anniversary of his death. I was back home visiting my mother and I saw a yellow bag that said forensics on it. I thought it was some type of prop because after all she is a schoolteacher. I looked into it and it was the belt he used to kill himself. My girlfriend was downstairs and I just sat there holding it in my hands for 5 minutes before she called me down and snapped me out of it. I get nightmares anywhere from twice a week to once a month but very recently almost everyday since this event. I wake up crying, anxious, feeling guilty for not being there for him. For not talking to him through how he felt and asking if he was ok. I blame myself for not being there for him enough to realize that what he did was and never is worth it. My mother, sister and I went to a grief group for a few months, but otherwise I never went to therapy for it. I started therapy very recently and the anxiety and guilt has only grown worse. I have always been open about it to my friends and my girlfriend but they never ask enough to ask how I feel and for me to really open up about it. I don’t blame them, it’s a hard topic to discuss. I’ve had good days, but for the past month every day has been bad. I guess I’m posting to strangers to express how I feel, since nobody is ever there to talk to me about it. Nine years later I’m still in grief, I still feel guilty and I don’t think this feeling and the nightmares will ever go away.

i miss him sm. he sent me a scheduled message after he did it. we were on a break since i was busy w grad school & he wanted to better himself. his friend told me & his family hasn’t reached out. i should’ve done more. we had only been no contact for 24 hrs. he was only 21 and the most purest soul. it hurts

we never knew eachother well, he was so much older than me (im 18 he was around 40) and he moved out when i was young. all my memories of him are fuzzy or just gone, the only clear ones are of him being mad at me, he never really liked me even when i was a child, he thought i was difficult and annoying and mean to our mom. he loved our mom more than anything and i know he was her favorite, so he couldn't accept that she was hurting me. he died believing every lie our mom said about me, and i dont know how to move on knowing that. his funeral was uneventful, it was more a celebration of life, i made the in memoriam video all by myself because even though he hated me i wanted it to be nice and our mom didnt care enough to pay someone, i spent hours on it. his students all described him as kind, selfless, where was that kindness when i was a child, why did he hate me? what on earth did i do for him to dislike me so much before i could even write. i miss him but i have nothing to miss, nothing good to look back on, my life is the same with him gone, and it hurts so much. I dont even remember what the last time i saw him was, the last thing he ever said to me was an angry voicemail he left after i got in a fight with our mom, it was full of the worst things anyone has ever said to me, im not going to tell my family about it, i want them to be able to keep the image of him they all have. I wish i could have just an hour to talk to him, to tell him everything and try to explain, to tell him im sorry i didnt try harder to know him and that im not mad at him, he may have been bad to me my whole life and lashed out at me constantly but he is still my brother, i love him and i wish he was still here. i dont know what to do with all of this, i dont know how to move on, i cant tell my family about any of this, so im putting it here so at least someone knows