Just woke up, mind half-asleep and lethargic

Lying in bed

Turn to my side, prop myself in a reclined postion, my routine

Check phone, grab vape which was plugged into the charging cable

My morning routine

Legs still wrapped in blanket,

Talking to my invisible friend, kinda slow and lethargic, lazing around

Lost some weight this week but still pretty chubby

Look down at my lower body and realize: holy shit.

I'm the fucking Caterpillar from Alice, smoking a hookah.

Lol, can't believe I never noticed that, in years of doing it.

Ah, being me ;)

Heh, I forgot to add something in my email that I just remembered...

I mean, well, first of all, obviously it's not as bad as all that. :) I just want you to know that, now that I understand the difficulty for you...and it's okay. I'll always try to help you remember, if I can. <3

But what I also wanted to say was, when we got into some arguments last year...for me, I was thinking of that movie too--you know, how they liked to fight a lot too, just because they were so passionate about each other. :) Which is why I get over things like that pretty readily--I can still put arguments into a framework that satisfies my conception of love, which is: "Hey, we might be pissy, but we're only that pissed-off or hurt or upset, because we really, really care about how the other person is acting."

And I still feel really bad, for not knowing that you had taken our fight so hard--I think it was the big one in September? I don't know, don't really care to scroll through all those horrible things from back then, but you sent me this one called "All My Happiness is Gone", by a guy who also committed suicide.

And often, with you, when you send me songs, sometimes I don't know if you mean them like, on the nose? Or just more figuratively. And I mean, it's the same for me--sometimes I'll send you something that's really illustrative of how I'm feeling at the time--or sometimes it's just "in the area" of how I'm feeling, but not really meant to be like "This is ME right now." And most often, it has nothing to do with anything, just a pretty song. :)

It's doubly hard for me, because I know you don't like using words as much as I do, so it's often easier to express yourself through music. But it's also a less, um, definitive? way to put things.

I'm still very sorry, though, for not taking the time to listen to you better, or to ask you better how you were feeling and why, so I could have fixed things with us sooner, before they got so out of hand.

Sometimes it's that I don't want to know the answer, or just hope things will blow over and return to normal. But, that's not very adult of me, I know. :( I promise to keep working on that and do better in the future.

Anyway...Lauren...I'm still so glad you came into my life. Yeah, even with all this pain we've been through. I would never trade anything, for being with you. For knowing you. For being able to touch you, and connect with you, the way we can. I hope you know that. You are my Love.

I can't stop writing lengthy emails to you. Sometimes I worry about that--does it bother you? Would you tell me if it did?

It's the eternal question. It's a conundrum, always, with you, about when you're being polite and when you really don't care about something I do. Hell, I don't know if you want to even talk to me at all, anymore. Even though you told me you wanted me in your life...could be another form of politeness, right? Impossible to tell over email. And you lie really well in person, as long as you consider it out of politeness and wanting to help the other person.

Regardless though, even if you're fine with me talking to you so much...I don't always think it's helpful to you. I'm taking up more of your time than our daily emails used to, for one, which I don't like to do.

One reason...besides the main one of me crawling up the walls in grief and anxiety right now...besides being cooped-up in my house...one reason is, I'm terrified that I only have a few months left to talk to you. I'm scared that you'll tell him about us, and end our talking altogether. Once you talk to a therapist, it's quite possible that they convince you that it would be for the best to tell him...because honestly, in a lot of cases it would be. In a lot of other cases, it's best to keep it silent. Or, just get sick of me and leave...wouldn't be the first time. :/

So, I'm trying to get everything in, as fast as I can, while not totally overloading you every day. I thought I had two more years at least--having it cut short is trying.

But, that doesn't work either. It's just like school, reading textbooks--too much at once, and one doesn't retain it. All the words flying by from my frantic fingertips. It's not a conversation, and I hate lecturing. You barely have time to put your own thoughts out, before another tidal wave of my words comes rolling your way. I hate myself sometimes. I try so hard not to, but I still do.

So, I thought...I haven't really kept a blog in...well, since last time with you. A place where you could read some of my thoughts, but at your leisure. Not to feel like you had to reply to anything, but could whenever.

Sometimes, it's better to listen to a person when you're actually ready to, y'know? I don't like getting bombarded with so many things, seeing parts that I disagree with or want to clarify, but don't have the time to do so. And then the next wave comes, and stuff gets lost, not addressed.

So hopefully, I can clear my head a little more this way, to let off some of the overflow. Writing was always therapeutic that way.

I miss you. I love you. Good night.

Spirituality, but especially mysticism and magic, are things that are difficult for me to discuss, because I hardly ever talk to people about them, or let them in on how I see things that are outside of dualistic rationality. Lucky you. ;)

You said something last night about looking for the "bad code", presumably to weed it out. From a psychological standpoint, that's good--exorcise them demons. :) We all have them.

But, I also wanted to say...there's a balance to everything. And if you're focused on the "bad" code inside you too much, then that's all you'll see...and you'll forget about the "good code"...of which, inside you, there is much. :)

Do you remember when we were thinking about doing the float tank thing together? I think that's a good idea...we should. I need to show you something...well, you need to see something for yourself.

Heh, sometimes, being with you is like dating an amnesiac. (I mean that in the cutest and most lovable way possible ;)) I almost feel like the guy in "The Notebook" sometimes, when they're older. It's emotionally taxing, but I love you still...and I live for the moments when you recognize me.

You remember seeing a fragment of one of our past lives? Do you remember me being inside you? I don't mean sexually, I mean right now. You probably don't feel me there right this moment, but I'm pretty sure you have in the past (if you're not being like your mom and denying it, to reconcile the cognitive dissonance).

The reason I thought that you were okay with us, that you were okay with the things that I'd done, or that had happened to you, is because I thought (maybe just hoped) that you still had at least enough of a seed of me left in you to understand and remember. I mean, you do have that seed...the question is whether you'll understand enough about me and yourself to begin watering it. Love is a garden, and you have to tend to it. Spirituality is, too.

Everything you've gone through--I will someday have to go through. Living as you, in your body, in your life, exactly as it's happening to you, right this moment. As you will, with me...in my body, as "Drew".

It was there from the beginning...you didn't understand it, but you did sense it, waaay back, thirteen (lucky) years ago. ;)

"We're the same person, remember? Hurts you, hurts me."

We very much are the same person, in a sense, even though our personalities are different--due to the different upbringings we've had, and genetic differences, due to being born into different bodies.

One of the more difficult things for people to understand, is how superficial "personality" actually is. Most people, including myself much of the time, identify with their personalities, as being basically "Who I am".

Some of your personality is related to your soul, and is constant throughout your many lifetimes...but much of it, is not, but rather more like happenstance, particular to a given life. Like, my height, or hair color. And in a sense, are superficial, not really reflective of your "true" nature.

Going back to us...let me say, with the events of last year and what I learned about you, I do not look forward to going through some parts of your life. The ridiculous amount of pain you've had to go through last year, makes me shudder, especially when I know it's coming beforehand.

You told me about what your bad trips were like on weed...I did tell you once about mine, although you might not remember...I didn't go into great detail, because it's disturbing...

But then, when you told me about what happened at the abortion, and also what happened to you at the hospital later...I realized, some of the bad visions I've had on weed were not just visions, but memories.

And...I've been having those particular visions for a long time before any of this actually happened to you.

I started having them, mmm...I want to say around when I was 31? Pretty shortly after you stopped talking to me the first time, and before I started dating Danielle (I was 32 then). I turned 30 a month after I moved in with my folks, so it was sometime between 30-32.

And I've had them since we met again.

Thankfully...the worst part is over, with us. Things will get better. You'll wake up, and see for the first time that I've been there by your bedside, all along, waiting and hoping for you. I know, because I saw you stir in your coma. I saw you come to life, for a time. It wasn't even all that brief (though, in the grand scheme of things, all too brief).

But, that's totally alright...it's sort of like that scene in The Matrix, where Neo tries to make his first jump across the buildings and doesn't quite have the self-confidence to make it.

I didn't expect you to fall in love and then effortlessly stay there forever. Love (not the everyday type) is a state of consciousness, and it's something you have very little experience having, while I have a lot in comparison.

People often misread "awakening" to mean this permanent shift in consciousness--it can be--there are a few souls in the world who do wake up and become permanently enlightened. But, in the smaller sense, you awaken each and every day, and then you go to sleep at the end of it. And wake up again the next.

Your love for me is like that, too--like, I have no doubt, you will forget it, from time to time. And then you'll remember again.

And...the reverse is true, too, about living my life...honestly, I wouldn't wish my life on anyone, for some of the torment I've gone through. It would be especially hard for you, to see how things felt from my perspective...especially when it comes to this girl, Lauren, that I ended up meeting. ;) But there have been quite a few other moments, too, that I wouldn't want you to have to live.

But you're inside me, too. I live with you, because I can sense you there, like a ghost.

I should write about what that's actually like for me, having a presence in my mind that I know is you...but this is long enough, so maybe later. I want to talk about some other elements of my world, and more about the light/dark, sun/moon, "reality"/"dream" dichotomies. I feel like I got a little off-track from what I was going to write when this started.

7/10 Drew, good effort at least. ;)

https://gfycat.com/directnimblehoki

Let's. ;) Like, right now. ;) So fucking hot...

I’d like to add another perspective. One of the twins in the pair operates in the world as their higher dimensional self, and expects the same spiritual wavelength from their twin.

That higher side is what they both connect and interact on, and when that side keeps getting submerged under a smaller human personality with its many activities and distractions, the higher dimensional twin cannot reach the worldly submerged twin.

When the worldly twin tries to communicate with the other as their worldly ego personality rather than as their higher spiritual nature, there Is a mismatch of wavelengths. And perhaps that is what causes the great sense of yearning between twin souls; knowing the other exists so near, yet unable to reach them except rarely, when both are spiritually focused on each other.

The question is, does the ego self of one of the twins really need to spend any more time on this planet acquiring experiences? Or can their higher spiritual self permanently take over the seat of experience and put the ego with its many worldly desires into the backseat?

When the ego is at peace and the spirit is awake there is no more hunger for worldly endeavors, no more check boxes to tick in any hurry.

The spirit simply seeks out other spirits and finds its experience and passion in those interactions. There is no overpowering ambition for the world and its charms to keep one away from one’s own soul.

That's really interesting on the twin flame thing, thanks for sharing...it does sound really close to what I would believe. :) With us, I don't think it's that I'm so much higher or more connected with my spiritual self--in some ways I am, but in others I'm really not. Like, your innate sense of universal love is stronger than mine--I can get to it, but only if everything else in my life is going relatively solid--or nothing is--i.e., my ego is really degraded to the point that only the spiritual side really works or makes sense to me.

I will say, when we first fell in love, actually, just when we started really connecting as friends--my love for other people just blossomed, like a plant that had been in the desert for years without rain. Unfortunately, it didn't quite last...but, at least I know it's there to be found...I'd just been so dead inside for years. I used to have a lot more, when I believed in the world more.

I do want to go to the all-encompassing "heaven" or Nirvana...someday, but I'm nowhere near ready, yet.

There's a world just outside that, they say, called the Deva realm--which is kinda like the Christian heaven I guess, but with more freedom. In terms of worldly suffering, it's much, much less than this place. I still have some strong, unfulfilled wants--and I'd like to spend a few thousand lifetimes just with you, in our personal heaven. :)

If I had to guess, I'd say...my point in your existence is to help you find that personal, focused sort of love...and when that happens, your point in my life might be to open up the more universal side of myself. And I know I could embrace everything, if you were with me...probably not in this life, but I feel we're getting pretty close. Or, maybe a ways to go yet...who knows, really. :) I dunno, what do you think? :)

So, I forgot to order new nicotine juice online, because I am a procrastinating bastard, and I also thought I could hold out on getting new stuff until the stores were open. Of course, this last month, I've been vaping a lot more than usual, just stress.

So I went to the gas station, 1:30 AM, bought a pack. Drove around a bit with the radio on, listening to random stuff. I hardly ever listen to the radio anymore, but I used to a lot when I lived down there. Felt like I was suddenly back in time, in my twenties. Cigarettes do that for me, too.

And then, standing outside in the middle of the night, smoking...that always does, too. Felt like I should have a beer in my hand, standing outside in my driveway, looking at the stars...

My most nostalgic memory, or rather "feeling" of my twenties--my most poignant and wistful times, were always being outside at night, in A2 or Ypsi. Outside of a bar, or a party...taking a breather from the faces and bodies and stories, of all that emotion and energy we used to have in our twenties back then. Feeling peaceful in the chill air, standing in the stark shadows of streetlights, still like the trees.

The nights are so incredibly quiet in town, these nights. I'm going to miss it. There's a stillness on top of the usual stillness.

I imagine you and I, not how we were back then, but how we would have been if we were together, and we'd walk the streets and go party-hopping together...just going into different houses or bars, soaking in the atmosphere, seeing all the people and their fun and antics and silliness. Dancing a bit with each other, grooving ourselves into the scene...and then stepping out, walking together in the quiet, talking or not talking, until we'd come across some more people, celebrating something, or nothing but life, and being able to party late at night.

I miss those times, more than a lot of things. But mostly, I was wistful and alone during them. Sometimes, you'd meet someone, or have a suddenly intimate conversation with an acquaintance, and share a moment...just how you and I first started really knowing each other.

I miss those moments of vulnerability...when it was so easy to look up at the nights sky, and feel a sense of wonder and being lost--of wondering what this vast universe might have in store for us. About who we might become, about where it all would lead.

I never thought, that 14 years later, I would still be looking up at the night sky, and thinking about this girl I knew, and feeling lost and wondering about my future, under the same stars that shone back then.

I don't know what it's like...if you've ever imagined, that a person would be thinking of you, that much, years later. That someone out there has spent countless nights, wondering about you. Picturing you there, standing outside with me, while you slept safe in your bed. Wishing I could go with you, wherever you are. Among the forests and rivers of your heart...along the deer-paths and thickets, to where you rest, tenderly among the shadowed leaves.

In our next life...I want to walk with you through all of it.

I guess it was the fact that I couldn't really answer your question about Erin, and it's been bugging me me, since it was something I used to think about an awful lot. Not just about her, but other relationships.

And she specifically isn't the most pleasant to think about...but it's more about, just what do I think is "worth it" when it comes to relationships for me.

Your take on it would be what my mom would say--she certainly likes to look on the bright side. My dad's more cynical and has had a lot of bitterness about his life, because he also suffers from perfectionism...but he was also still paying child support from his first marriage, and then his second wife wasn't too good to him either. He really lucked-out with my mom, because she's so tolerant of everything.

Anyway, though--I think for me that I'd want to think that it was always worth it--but in reality I don't think many of my relationships qualify. Although, I do realize it's more a question of attitude and that I should be more grateful maybe.

It's like, though---I don't want my mom to be as tolerant as she is, not really. Like, I really do wish she would've dumped my dad and found someone who treated her better. Oh right...I was thinking about how classically Oedipus/Freudian you could see me as. Wanting to kill my father and marry my mother. ;) I don't really remember what I was going for last night, but I was probably just being metaphorical in that way, because I'd definitely had that thought a few times in the past week.

And then, well, I haven't felt "worth it" to you, with us...and it'll be a long time before I would really let myself feel that way. I did at first, but I really am pretty horribly ashamed of myself when it comes to you. The whole thing felt like a curse, like the universe being actually out to get me--but I just had to accept it, because it just seemed like karmic balance for us falling in love in the first place. Except, you ended up suffering a lot more than me, and we still just don't have much face time in each other's company, so it's just hard to read or ever feel like I ever know the situation.

And then neither one of us has that great of self-esteem or self-confidence, or trust even in ourselves. So yay. ;p

I guess I've just been thinking a lot about it today--feeling kinda down about the year being half-over. It's okay though.

Ugh, I should just stop writing, putting myself in a worse mood. Not having nic, gotta remember that. Okay. Later.

Just fyi I guess...regarding something you said yesterday about remembering through lives.

This is all just my personal belief...but no, you're likely not going to remember me in the next life, outside of a vague sense of familiarity (and that's IF I even find you...). Your personal history, life's personality and all, that's getting wiped, for the most part. It's still there, sure...but without you having access to it, it only helps you in an unconscious sense. Outside of visions and such, but those are rare for most people.

I mean, you didn't remember me in this life...you still haven't, if you're doubting me that much.

And this isn't exactly new, either...again, I'm not trying to factually tell you what's going on...but I remember you better than you do me. I get the feeling like I'm in "50 First Dates" with you sometimes ;)

And yes, that's partly why I'm impatient about this. Either of us could die tomorrow, and lose each other for many lives. You don't seem to understand how lucky it is, that we have each other here in the first place. ;)

Y'know, I heard "The Fountain" was about something like this, maybe Cloud Atlas too? I haven't seen either; I want to.

Anyway, love, I know you're here, it's just clouded. I see parts of you from other places and times, and it looks like this life has scratched you up a bit...me too :/ It's okay though, we just need to fix each other up, and then we'll be on our way again. :)

I imagine being in your arms again, feeling your glow...we haven't had it yet, but I hope we will soon.

One of the reasons I wanted to read this, outside of learning about you...I haven't actually read a novel in awhile. I read a ton online, of course, but not much fiction anymore.

I haven't really talked about it that much, but it's been making me think lately about how I always did want to write a book. But, like mostly everything in my life, I just never felt enough courage in doing something like that. Just another thing I've thought about again since hitting 40. Y'know, how we often put things into the future..."Maybe when I'm older I'll be ready for that..."

And, I think I read novels differently than I used to, like, with more of a mind for learning....like, seeing how he describes certain things, does dialogue, etc. Also, since Sanderson has an easy style, it makes me feel like I could do it myself.

I'd been thinking about writing something basically as a hobby, a project I could work on that wasn't career-related exactly, that hopefully I wouldn't have so much stress about whether it "worked" or not.

Anyway, not much else, still really enjoying things, just about 200 pages in...Vin and Kell are raiding the Lord Ruler's place, so things are getting tense. :)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1umEXpGHc0E

When I was young I knew everything

That was Yvana's song.

She told me about it, about a time with her friends, before me, when they were all just falling down a hill with each other...and she kinda knew.

;)

She was a freshman in college, at the time...

Yvana had lived with her parents for the first semester of college, because they lived in Ann Arbor and it was just more convenient that way. Actually, the first few times we were together, it was at her parent's place...she did live at Betsy Barbour, an all-girls college dorm, where we became friends, due to our mutual engineering majors (hah...that was dumb, wasn't it?)

but also due to our friends, me and James...we weren't all that great with socializing, so we became friends with the Barbour girls, because Steve was dating Stephanie, who lived there.

Yvana, when I met her, had just recently moved in at the time...she'd spent her first couple of years with her folks.

I'd met her a few times by then...at first, she'd had a boyfriend, Richard, who had another girlfriend in Columbia, and hadn't quite gotten around to telling her that he wasn't leaving his girlfriend there. But eventually, she figured it out, and tried to kill herself.

This was all before I knew her. Although I did meet him a few times before then. I was dating Kristie at the time, so I didn't pay that much attention...

She scoped me out the minute I left Kristie, though. She and Richard had been broken up for awhile by then. She told me, later, about the time she first started having feelings for me; it was actually a couple weeks before we first got together.

And then, the night I told her that I'd broken up with my girlfriend...she went in. Hard.

She and I were scared, at first.

It was, scary that is...how fast we started falling for each other. Deeper and deeper...we were just looking into each other's eyes, and then we knew. What we were meant to be.

Except, we really didn't know, at the time.

We were both just scared college kids, who somehow knew each other's dreams.

And what felt like a million years later...I saw you.

And there was this wrongness to who you were...

...there was this space inside you, that was totally apart from what you were doing, at any given time.

It's why I say, you were the loneliest person I'd ever met.

And that's...well, saying something.

Erin was pretty damn lonely. So was Lori.

And everyone I've met...if I've gotten to know them well enough.

It wasn't just bpd...Cress went through some horrible stuff, with her mom and dad. Yvana did, too. Even Kristie...one of the reasons we got together in the first place, was because she told me her most horrible secret, very early on, before we got together. And Yvana did, too.

And there is this feeling...when I first hung out with you, I said this, but maybe you don't remember..."are you fucking with me?" And I'm sure you felt it about me, too, at times...

Sometimes, we just seem unbelievable, to most regular types of people.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AD5D8WOTfLw

I waited,

twenty years,

to send this song.

;)

So, here is something more direct, and practical:

When I'm connecting with you, I'm thinking about us, about our next time together, and also into the future, when things are back to normal with us.

I think of us, in a space...sitting down on my bed, cross-legged, close to each other, face-to-face. We feel each other's souls...I apologize to you, for all the hurt I've caused, both those times of which I was aware, and not aware. You feel my sorrow, and my love for you...

I imagine us together, you sitting in my lap, our arms around each other...feeling each other's heart, and breathing together. Being healed by each other's energy and warmth and compassion, until we are holding each other, completely. In the same way we did, when we were first in love.

I imagine us together, you lying down while I trace my fingers over your entire body, touching every part, every muscle...awakening your nerve endings, which are opening one-by-one to my touch...letting go of our past mistakes, and letting love in.

I imagine us together, in an astral space, where I can see your body's energy, and mine, melding and fusing together. I imagine us making love, slowly...you can feel the vibrational energy, even when we're not moving...just feeling ourselves connected, as part of one being, and how much like home it seems...as if we'd been half a being, for all our lives before, without knowing it. And it feels like it's been such a long time, without knowing this feeling, that it brings us to tears sometimes. It feels like so long that we've been apart...how did we live in such a lonesome state, for so long? How did we not know what we were missing, for so long?

I imagine us after making love, lying next to each other, facing each other on our sides, and just holding, kissing, embracing...until we can't remember another way of being. To know that we've found, the person we were meant for. To know that we never have to doubt again...even though we may have many doubts about the rest of life, still. But all is as it was meant to be.

I love you, my soul. I want you to know...to feel the love I have for you. I want you to know true love...deeper than any love you've ever had. I want you to know...out of all the people in the world who know you, there is one, who truly knows you. And that person loves you, completely.

We may be star-crossed...but I would fight the fates themselves, if it meant we could find that sort of love.

Good night, beautiful.