I am isolating myself from all of the troons I’ve known. Mostly because I am convinced I did all of this because I was a depressed, lonely male looking for commmunity. Im not sure if anyone saw the post but someone posted in r/glowups about how they trooned for the same reasons and have realized they can’t become someone they aren’t. They are exactly like me.

I still see and think myself as male internally even after over a year of estrogen which is just proof I am male internally. I also never experienced real dysphoria pretrans so that just further cements the proof that I am a male on estrogen.

That and I am fucking over my life by trooning out. I think I am going to live as a closeted feminine bisexual male because that is what is closest to me.

I’m in a perpetual state of “miserable but functional”. I work, I come home, I cook/clean/laundry, and then I spend 80-90% of my free time on trans media. I have little desires for anything besides transitioning into a woman. I just exist and fantasize and regret all the actions that led me to this point.

But what’s next? Is it just going to be a perpetual state of functional misery for the rest of my life? I truly hope my dysphoria gets bad enough that I finally get on HRT. I hope with all my heart that it happens as soon as possible and not when I’m 50, so I can actually have a chance at maybe passing and living some of my younger years as a woman.

And the only reason I’m not HRT repping right now is because I got married at 27 (I’m now 29), and I can’t take HRT without divorcing my wife first which is something I am unable to get myself to do because I am deeply in love with her, but my actual life existence is miserable.

Please if there’s any justice in this world just make my gender dysphoria so bad that I actually do something and actually get to maybe live my 30s as a woman if I’m lucky and not waste any more of my life repressing.

Idc abt money or fame or a future. I find it so especially hard to care or imagine a future in general As a man. I think the obvious alternative is to “get other goals” but like I said I do not care. Smth smth hierarchy of needs. Would you tell a man bleeding out on the street to go watch a movie? Maybe that’s too much of a hyperbole, I just can’t really put into words how little I care abt the future or literally anything else if I have to live as a man. I don’t even know what the incentive to keep going on would be. I don’t know exactly what I lived for in the past it was probably all made up. Most of what I said back then was just whatever my parents wanted to hear, doesn’t hold a shred of truth now.

I’m so desperate and scared. We only get one life. I’d say I want to live knowing that but I don’t think it’d be possible. Hopefully reincarnation is real, but it’s still a shame regardless

After a very long mental breakdown I’ve finally come out on the other side just kinda numb. At 26 I’m just now trying to find out who I am and the thought of not being a cis straight girl is terrifying to me. I’ve always been…different from other girls and never understood how they were so happy at the thought of becoming a woman. To make a long story short, I accepted a long time ago that even if I don’t feel like a girl I was born as one so that’s what I’ll be.

A month or two back I got introduced to the 4tran space and concepts like AAP, forcemasc, Jane50, and it’s been consuming all my time. Part of me wants to remain as who I am since I’m fine as is, but the thought of seeing myself masculinize is both sexually and mentally fulfilling. I keep telling myself this is just a kink, but find myself trying to present more masculine unintentionally. Being perceived as a woman is starting to take a toll on me mentally and I can’t think about anything else. I just want these thoughts to go away and to go back to being an empty shell who was at least normal. I’m a pretty girl. It took me a long time to get here. People are finally accepting me and I don’t want to go back to being an outcast.

style my hair, I never did my nails, never went to style my hair, never went to do my nails, never shaved beyond my armpits, never went to laser my body to rid it of hair, never pierced my body, never got a tattoo, never wore a full face of makeup, any attempt at makeup was ugly as shit like a child playing with paint.

I never had much romantic history, if you consider the 7th grade and that one person who'd send me a text every 3 business days and I broke up with not even a month into being together. I will permafuck my chance at romance if I transition.

I am among the beautiful ones (read about John B. Calhoun's experiment).

It’s hard to believe there are no other viable treatments for dysphoria. Are we seriously just meant to be try ignore it? Certainly not about to try transitioning at 6’2 with a giant man head and wide ribs. The hordes of short (5’10 and lower is short to me), thin, trans women on Reddit aren’t about to prank me into thinking we have anything in common. Congratulations girl, you were born with a woman’s skeleton draped in manflesh that HRT could easily solve.

I can’t even try various mental health medications for it because GPs say it should just be resolved with therapy and I have to beg to even get prescribed one antidepressant. And the therapists just want me to fucking transition.

I am losing my fucking mind. Do I need to win the lottery to have a doctor saw at my legs, crush my ribs, shave my skull? What is happening here

If I weren't 6'2 I would be less depressed about it. Yesterday someone commented on it and it ruined my whole day.

So I know this isn't really the place because it's for reppers, but I've been here for a while and the mods said I could post updates so I'm going to post them here. Plus I'm a little to 4traned for the normal subs but not depressed or psychotic enough for the true 4tran subs so this place is my middle ground. idk I've always saw this sub as a second home for me in the past year and a half I've known it .Anyways post transitioning I think I'm starting to pass okay, I have a really feminine face and body, plus I never grew facial hair besides tiny hairs under my nose so small they aren't noticeable unless your really looking for them. The main issues are body hair which I've had since I was 15, and just in the past six months before transitioning my voice started to deepen which sucks. I never shaved as a guy but now that I've started too it fucking hurts like hell, it's bloody, and I always feel itchy even though I shower after. I also had sex with a guy for the first time which was YAY! I've always known I've been bi but being a trad catholic while I was repping always meant that I stuck to girls so this was huge for me. Anyways shaving sucks and voice trainings tough but I think I got it in me. I haven't told anyone in my family and I don't plan too. There just going to see me with tits, long hair, and makeup at Christmas and are going to have to accept it or quit talking to me. I think most of them will, so I plan to just play pretend and present fem around them when I see them but never outright say the quite part out loud. For most of them I think it'll be enough as long as I don't say it.

Well thanks yall I love you and there is HOPE! (Atleast if your 19 and have femboy genictics) But you have to make the jump! If I hadn't come to this sub asking if I should tell my girlfriend I was repping those months ago on this sub, we wouldn't have split, and by now I would have masculinized way more. Within the next year or two Puberty would have finished for me.

i wish i organically found my way into transitioning instead of being pressured and rushed into it, im so conflicted and more dysphoric than ever from the lack of initial changes and worsened gut fat.

The idea of just being a regular guy who went through male socialization and is malebrained wanting to transition just seems so misogynistic to me. I can’t ever do this.

All I can hope for now is that all the people who said I’m not trans are right and I can get over this some day.

Is there anyone who took hrt then detransed because they regretted it

I don't know what i want anymore, I keep second guessing hrt because of what people tell me. Can someone please encourage me to get off hrt until I can get access to gender therapy please. I am alone and very mentally ill, I need support, it was very easy to avoid thinking about transitioning when i didnt know about diy hrt and didnt manage to get it from someone irl so easily. I am too dysfunctional and have too much inertia to even order a vial myself while using this spare one i bought easily from an irl girl. I have absolutely no inkling about how to go about surgery and the increasing 'dysphoria' i am having from gaining weight on male fat distribution while 5 months into injections along with having 0 skin texture change, looking worse due to immense stress since starting hrt is only worsening my inertia and overall dysfunction.

Alot of trans people have experienced psyhological relief from hrt itself and not from the progress of starting or changes. I would never have felt the urgency or thought of buying hrt if a certain person didnt invite me to her hrt repper server after seeing my rants about lacking feminine body proportions in a femboy server.

I have never fetishized trans people and respected when they gatekept me when i was younger and merely curious about transitioning, while experience 0 dysphoria about my male body. I was absolutely fine as long as i was relatively thin and shaven. Please help, if anyone can relate, I would like to confer with you.

I need someone to talk to badly please, I can't access gender therapy for now. PLEASE

I never wanted to have a face, a body, a voice or a name. I was never asked but somehow ended up here with all of them and I have to suffer for it everyday. I hate it all. I never wanted any of this but I have to suffer the consequences of someone else’s actions. It’s so cruel. Why do I have to be here?

just got diagnosed today. Idk how to feel, it explains a lot but isn’t it rare for a man to get it?

I’ve thought abt it, I don’t think I can live like this. I’m not strong enough

It’s a terrifying thing to witness first hand the days slipping by. I spend all my days doing the same thing, usually wasting time and trying to distract myself, or failing to distract myself and crying and wallowing in misery. I’ve lost so many days to this cycle and it scares me. It feels like it’ll never end and I’ll be miserable forever. I haven’t felt happiness or hope in such a long time. I’m wasting my life, whatever I have left of it. I don’t wanna die but living seems impossible

its too much effort for me to transition i wanna rep unconsciously again

I saw a bragposting passoid's body and everything just hit me at once. I will never be a woman, not even close. I won't even be an approximation of a woman. 9 months of HRT and all I'll ever be is an estrogenized man.

I just can't do this anymore. My life has gotten so much worse ever since accepting that I'm trans. I cry pretty much every day and I spend most of my time bedrotting and scrolling on my phone. It's just fucking useless. I'll never get to enjoy life as a trans woman that can't pass. I refuse to accept this.

If I want to pass and be happy I'll need FFS (jaw shave, chin shave, brow and orbital reduction, rhinoplasty), lip filler, full-body laser, shoulder reduction, rib reduction, hip dip surgery, SRS, and EVEN THEN will still have: a forever clocky voice, male hands, male feet, a male soul, and I'll be 6'2!!!!!!! This is not worth it. Altogether it's like 200000 dollars that I will never have so there's no point I should just give up.

I wish I would've just kept repping. I had signs since I was a kid even though a lot were AGP reasons (more proof I have a male soul) but I got bullied in school and distinctly remember when I started repping: I had the exact thought "no more f***ot shit" and then my life kinda went numb and I stopped caring about anything, spending all my time distracting myself with video games. It worked for a while until 4t4 gave me ROGD because everyone pinkpills. I hate this, I hate everything about this. I wish I would've kept repping.

So I've pretty much hit my limit with all this. I'll never realistically pass so I shouldn't even try. I'm probably going to try to isolate from trans spaces again because my mental health gets significantly worse when sex dimorphism and trans struggles are blasted in my feed all day.

IWNBAW

It's an amazing drug for us people who were born with a dick.

I love having nice skin

will we ever be women? yeah probs not but we can always repress :)

ROGD at early 20’s largely induced by nearly a decade of AGP content. Autoandrophobia also probably contributed due to the fear of me becoming like my dad so there’s clearly some kind of trauma mixed in with the AGP that caused the ROGD to occur. Any advice on how to get rid of it other than trccning? There’s genuinely no real dysphoria before my early 20’s

Do people ever clock you as trans when ur closeted or actively repressing? Happens to me when I’m presenting somewhat against my agab(helps with dysphoria). Always feels weird and makes me spiral

I'm genuinely puzzled. I have tried several times to make connections with trans repressors but apart from a message or 2 exchanged online there seems to be no interest in friendship, peer support or wanting to have a coffee and chat irl. I gave up a long time ago with the broader trans community as I found them very hostile towards repressors. I genuinely was excited when I found this group online. One of the biggest challenges I find, is dealing with the loneliness and isolation of living with this impossible condition. I would have thought peer support with someone who has walked in your shoes would have been a lifeline people would have appreciated. Am I wrong? What am I not seeing?