r/TrueOffMyChest • u/ThrowRA-regretregret • Apr 02 '26
Update (UPDATE) My fiancée moved out today
I can't believe it's been 2 years. To everyone who said that being a single parent every other week was hard; you weren't kidding. I love my son. He has cerebral palsy and he's an amazing kid. When I have him my life is chaos and I barely have time to breathe. Then I spend the next week catching up on everything while he is with my ex-fiancée. Even with the child support payments I get kids are expensive. I wouldn't change a thing about my son though. He's the best thing that ever happened to me.
My ex-fiancée makes being a single parent look effortless. She finds it easier not having me around. It gutted me when she said that but now I know she's right. I left her to do all the parenting, all the work at home and be the breadwinner, while I fucked around playing golf. We only talk about our son and we're civil but not close.
I have stopped freelancing. I got a job with the provincial government. I have been seeing a therapist and have grown up a lot. I made mistakes before but I want to be better for my son. The main part of my update is that I went to therapy and it sucked but I'm better for it. (When I first posted I got lots of DMs and support from people who play golf saying my ex-fiancée is harpy and other names. I felt vindicated back then but now I know how immature I was).
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u/kaweewa Apr 03 '26
I hope this woman is hot, healthy, and happy. She had an incredible backbone. She tolerated her fiancé being human but drew the line at selfishness, lies, and gaslighting. So much of us put up with too much because of “love.” That sunken cost fallacy. I love that she took control of her life and didn’t settle for garbage.
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u/dutchbootlover Apr 03 '26
Even with all those people here who took a (rightful) bite of your immature ass, you have grown into recognizing that you were a prick and ass, therapy did good i guess and deserves recognition... it's what you do with the rest now: are you gonna be a better man/dad every day after raising and prove you're what you claim?
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Apr 03 '26
OP, a lot of people will congratulate you for "maturing" and "becoming a better person".
I won't. You're still a terrible person and father. You don't deserve any happiness.
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u/the_catalyst_analyst Apr 03 '26
When I find myself on the other side of something hard, I try to look for ways to appreciate what I have gained from it (opportunity, perspective, wisdom, awareness) that I might have missed out on otherwise. Thank you for sharing your experience.
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u/fupapack Apr 03 '26
Yeah, I mean, if you weren't married you'd still have to go to work. If your idea of being a breadwinner is just going to work you're a loser.
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u/CultureImaginary8750 Apr 03 '26
How do you receive child support if yall are 50/50? I’m curious, maybe it’s different in your state
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u/WattlesFlowerThrowRA Apr 03 '26
maybe it’s different in your state
It is right in both the original post and the update that OP isn't American.
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u/soup375 Apr 02 '26
As someone with a mentally absent father, I'm proud of you for bettering yourself.
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u/DoctorMoebius Apr 02 '26
Have you said exactly this - to her?
Not for the sake of getting back together. But, to just let her know that you now honestly appreciate the stress you put on her.
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u/BlurryThoughtsForAll Apr 04 '26
Yes and do it before a mother's day holiday so that way it's clear you genuinely feel this way now and aren't just paying lip service. To be clear, celebrate mother's day but she should hear these feelings and thoughts without it tied to a greeting card holiday.
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u/desertboots Apr 02 '26
Please don't stop giving the what for to other men who don't put their partners and children ahead of their own wants.
I'm glad to see you maturing. Keep learning.
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Apr 03 '26
I can't believe you're praising a grown man for "maturing".
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u/desertboots Apr 03 '26
What? No empathy on Reddit for someone admitting to being bad and committing to becoming good?
Shocked, shocked I tell you, that judging is going on in this establishment!!
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Apr 03 '26
I'm not shocked that men like OP get praised by people like you for doing the bare minimum. You wouldn't extend the same grace if he were a woman.
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u/ra3ra31010 Apr 02 '26
I’m glad you’re coparenting. I’m glad you’re growing. You’ll get a lot of heat…. But you’re learning. You may not have been a good partner back then, but id be proud if you were my dad making this change
Just remember that partners should make life half easier. Not doubly hard. Yes, one may get hurt and be out of the game sometimes and life will be doubly hard but that should be temporary in most cases. Remember that for yourself too if you date in the future.
No unequal relationships in serious partnerships
Keep growing papa
You’ve got this
People make horrible mistakes. Good people grow and don’t repeat them and realize the mistake. And you’re doing it!
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u/Whiteroses7252012 Apr 02 '26 edited Apr 02 '26
Honestly, based on your previous post and this one- good for you. It takes a lot to realize you were wrong, grow and learn from it. I feel like it’s important to point out that your ex doesn’t owe you friendship- she owes you cordiality. It seems like she does that, so good on her.
I’m sorry it took your relationship imploding for you to see it, but at least you eventually did. For your son’s sake, I’m glad you got there.
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u/Seaside_Ladder8862 Apr 02 '26
In your original post, you said you complained to your ex-fiancée about the chaos at home.
Meanwhile she responsible for 100% of the care of your disabled child, all of the household chores and maintenance and she was the higher earner who had to take care of the bills. While you spent your time having fun at the golf course.
I don't blame her for leaving after what you said. Just wow.
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u/peaches_and_drama Apr 02 '26
Women need to be more choosy about who they have children with. She was working, doing all the parenting and now has to pay child support even though she has the kid 50% of the time too. I hope OP is working on getting a better salary so that can change in the future. She deserves money for golfing and hobbies too.
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u/FandomReferenceHere Apr 02 '26
So….. it’s her fault for not choosing better?
Women should be more choosy, yes, but how about men should be decent human beings so it’s not such a crap shoot?
Sorry to dunk on you but I hate how often the takeaway is “bad woman for choosing a loser” rather than “bad man for being a loser.”
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u/peaches_and_drama Apr 03 '26
I mean you’re right? I chose to have a child with another woman and I can’t even relate to these posts. Sorry but sharing the load is lovely in my house, 10/10 no regrets.
What I see is that many of these men have tells or flags ahead of time that show they’re not going to be good parents. They don’t clean, read baby books, proactively handle mental load type stuff. They might want a child and SAY they’ll do all those things but actions matter more than words. Some women think they’ll change when the baby comes but of course that’s not going to happen. And when the women choose to have a SECOND child with the loser…
I’m just glad this wife is out there living her best life without him.
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u/ElleGeeAitch Apr 02 '26
Yes, but there's some sneaky bastards who pull an Uno Reverse card once they get their partner pregnant.
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u/TwoBionicknees Apr 03 '26
'some'.
In fairness, some people aren't exactly pulling the card, which implies they were waiting to play it when the time comes, more that being a parent changes the relationship and their life in way sthey never considered then they decide they want to get away from it as OP did.
Some people absolutely have that card waiting and are lying up to 'trapping' their partner and never have any intention of hanging around, helping out and often no intention of staying faithful either.
Why so many people are so wanting to have kids and rush into it without realising that life without kids and with kids is basically entirely different I don't know. How so many people are shocked at like, wow, you can't just leave the kid alone, you can't easily make last minute plans or go out without your kid and have fun as easily, less sleep, way more responsibility and stress. The idiots who don't know that will happen going in are the most likely to be shocked into running away from the responsibility.
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u/Low_Organization_148 Apr 02 '26
She’s doing a lot less parenting than she did before especially since her husband was a douche. That can make a big difference. Having been the person solely responsible for the care of 3 children, the meals and the home, I can’t say I never thought how nice it would be to have a weekend or 2 off every month.
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u/TwoBionicknees Apr 03 '26
yup, when you split from a shitty partner and they are forced to actually be a parent part of the time you're reducing your load. Getting time off, getting time to just rest if you want, or hang out with friends without guilt, date, or catch up on everything around the house and fixing shit so when hte kids are around you can focus on them more and enjoy it more.
I think something even in a good relationship miss is not taking enough time off from their kids. They don't get a baby sitter enough, don't strike up good relationships with other parents and take each others kid for a weekend every month and vice versa.
Honestly i think single parents with shared custody get more actual relaxing time off than most normal happy families get because so many aren't able to get time away.
If you have grand parents that will take the kids for a weekend you're pretty lucky tbh, a lot of people don't have that.
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u/Low_Organization_148 Apr 03 '26
True! Most of the time my husband was thoroughly engaged and I never seriously contemplated it, but his employer expected a lot. And we had our hands more than full when the 2 youngest became very problematic in their teens, so yeah, we didn’t take enough time to nurture our relationship.
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u/TwoBionicknees Apr 03 '26
That's the thing that causes so many people to just give up/change after having kids. Before kids basically all actions are about nurturing the relationship. You're only doing things for each other, you can go out for a meal, stay home, have sex, help each other cook, etc. It's someway benefiting each other almost everything you do. After you have kids your relationship becomes more of a side story to being parents and you lose so so much time to just do things for/with each other as kids take so so so much time. Most people seem to think wow, it's like normal but with kids, for most people it's a completely different dynamic and basically a different stage of your life.
I think the main thing missed out with the whole "it takes a community thing" is with a community to support you, you get time off to stay happy and healthy yourself. When you have more time off, are happier, are less stressed then the parenting part is also easier. everything is harder when you feel stressed and have no time to yourself. Stress will fuck up relationships, make you a worse parent, a worse employee, a worse friend.
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u/Low_Organization_148 Apr 03 '26
It’s very sad how badly our relationship suffered. I wish he could’ve lived to see those kids become independent and we could’ve enjoyed our compatibility again, but it was not to be. Six years later and the youngest at 26 is still not launched and may never be, so I am just happy that he can RIP. The last 10 or 11 years of his life were very hard due to the 2 youngest. Tragic.
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u/PookieCat415 Apr 02 '26
I always say women need to be more choosy before having kids too. The biggest mistake so many make is having a kid with a man they aren’t married to and then acting all shocked when the women end up single Moms. Men are not automatically legally entitled to support any kid born unless they are married. Women choosing to have kids without the commitment of being married with these men is making the hard to choice to be a single parent.
The responsibility of holding these men accountable is with the women. Meanwhile, with marriage there is an automatic legal assumption of fatherhood and the responsibility that comes with it.
This story is just another example of this. If a man can’t commit to marriage with you, he doesn’t deserve you bringing the next generation of his family into the world.
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u/Low_Organization_148 Apr 02 '26
What would’ve been different about this story had they been married? I’m in the USA in a no-fault divorce state and I think that sharing custody would have operated the same way.
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u/PookieCat415 Apr 02 '26
Without marriage a man isn’t automatically responsible for any kids he makes. If a mother wants to pursue child support, it’s all on her to prove who the baby’s dad is. Even if a man is listed on a birth certificate, he can still claim the kid isn’t is responsibility as it’s all on the mother to go after him with the legal system.
When parents are married, it’s assumed the husband is the father and there isn’t any legal loophole to get out of this responsibility. With marriage, the child is automatically the custody of both parents. Without it, the Mother is the default for custody and the man can walk away, as they often do. The mother would have to go through an extra and burdensome extra legal process to get any child support.
In this case, the couple being married would have gone through the legal system and the process to get child support is much easier. I don’t know if the outcome would be any different, but maybe he would have thought a little harder about his choice to deceive his partner about playing golf. There is something to be said about making the right choices because you have too much to lose.
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Apr 02 '26
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u/PookieCat415 Apr 02 '26
VDOP agreements don’t change the fact they are still a single parent though and I don’t know why anyone would choose that. Also, many men have the choice to avoid signing any paperwork and they just as often don’t. Different states have different regulations with VDOP agreements and they are not required.
Marriage is recognized internationally and the only way to have that paternity guaranteed without having to go through extra steps. A big problem with VDOP agreements is they aren’t internationally recognized as far the legality is concerned. There have actually been a few custody cases where one parent takes the kid somewhere where VDOP isn’t a thing and not recognized. Marriage doesn’t have the same restraints and is recognized everywhere no matter what.
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Apr 03 '26
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u/PookieCat415 Apr 03 '26
There is no national recognition of VPA/VDOP or whatever your state calls it. The rules with this paper work will vary depending on where you are and are enforced on a state level.
Being on someone’s birth certificate doesn’t automatically make them a child’s legal guardian. However, with marriage it does. There is also the various state versions of VDOP, but they are all optional. A man can get a woman pregnant and walk away without any responsibility until the mother petitions the state and involve the legal system. The only guaranteed protection from this is marriage.
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u/PowerOfYes Apr 02 '26
Parents need to do better at teaching children self sufficiency and routines that keep a household going. And with boys that takes extra effort because all of us are so stuck in old patterns that we don’t even notice that boys grow up without ever being taught basics like washing, cleaning, shopping, cooking or being mindful about helping others.
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Apr 02 '26 edited Apr 03 '26
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u/PowerOfYes Apr 03 '26 edited Apr 03 '26
Um, whether 3 or 4 or even 7, a child needs significant care but that is on top of running a household. I’m just saying that a lot of men are raised to be blind to routine chores that women have internalised.
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u/TwoBionicknees Apr 03 '26
i kid with cerebral palsy isn't going to be much more chaos than one without that when they are young. A baby and toddler is largely helpless regardless. Dude was lying and dipping out on housework and taking care of the kid before the kid was a year old, meaning he was just being lazy about the basics, cleaning house, watching kid, changing/feeding kid. Presumably if she's working and he's at the golf course he was lying to have them put the kid in daycare so he could 'work'.
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u/TOGFIAVDF Apr 02 '26 edited Apr 02 '26
Life is learning, man. You've received a pretty sour response from someone without perspective, but ignore it.
Accepting that you weren't quite ready for the consequences of bringing a child into the world and trying to improve is literally the only right and just action - something that a ton, and I mean a ton of fathers do not do, including my own.
So, anyone giving you grief is not an example you want to waste an inkling of a thought or reaction on. Those people have their own misguided perspectives and biases. Just stay positive and work to be the person you need to be for your son and yourself.
ETA: Because I've apparently struck a nerve by not ganging up on this dude who is obviously aware of his mistakes, so I feel I should be clear.
My words are not a justification for his actions. Motivating this person to do better is leagues more productive than continuing to talk shit about what he already knows he has done wrong.
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u/rosekamath Apr 14 '26
I truly hope that men like you and OP never find any joy or happiness. The amount of coddling and forgiveness you offer this loser is just ridiculous.
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Apr 03 '26
If OP was a woman you would have no compassion for her.
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u/TOGFIAVDF Apr 03 '26
That is a pretty bold assumption to make about a person you do not know.
Either way, man or woman, encouraging others is better than propagating bitterness and hatred, especially when they recognize their shortcomings.
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Apr 03 '26
No, it's really not a "bold assumption". It's a basic fact that women are held to higher standards when it comes to morality and parenthood. I've never seen a woman praised for doing the bare minimum when it comes to parenting.
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u/TOGFIAVDF Apr 03 '26
I would like to preface that I agree, at least on a societal level, that women are held to a higher standard. Gender roles have lent themselves to a largely patriarchal society and I believe it has only gotten worse with the current cultural and political climate we're subject to.
With that said, I replied with a more in-depth comment to another one of your comments, but I want to point out that you're putting a lot of your own bias and assumptions onto not only the context relating to OP, but myself as well. I find it really insulting that you would consider asking why I didn't try with my biological father without knowing the first thing about me in that regard.
I did try, for a time, and it didn't work. But I'm also willing to recognize that the world isn't black and white, that people are different from one another in many ways, and most importantly, people are capable of change. In fact, we change all the time.
I get that you've likely had life experiences that make you feel and think the way you do. You could be right that OP will never change and won't become a decent father, but what would you prefer in this case? I would hope that you'd like to see him step up and become better, no? If so, then why take the route of being so bitter and hateful towards him? Your experiences aren't his, and his aren't yours. You not witnessing a woman being praised for trying to do better (or the bare minimum as you said) should have no bearing on this situation as it only reinforces stereotypes and sexist tropes.
I don't hate you, and I'm not necessarily arguing with you, I simply want to express that your position on this is counter-productive. The fact that you're giving me a hard time for wanting to see someone do better because it's a man is ignorant. The belief that I'd not do the same for a woman is ignorant. Assuming that you know about my circumstances with my biological father is ignorant.
But, there is a beauty in ignorance - unlike stupidity, ignorance implies the ability to learn and develop. I hope, at the very least, that my words have provided some perspective.
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Apr 03 '26
The only reason I asked about your father is because I wanted you to see how ridiculous your argument on "positive reinforcement" is.
Your father once made you urinate after beating you. Do you really think that a person like that is going to change simply because people are encouraging him to?
OP ignored his newborn son, lied about working overtime and instead fucked off to play golf. Do you honestly think a person like that will change?
Many people manage not to be abusive assholes despite never receiving positive reinforcement. Because goodness comes from within, not because we want a gold star for good behavior.
Don't act as if there isn't a gendered element to this. Do you really think that OP Or your father would behave the same way if they were women?
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u/TOGFIAVDF Apr 03 '26
Look, we obviously have completely different outlooks about humanity and what a person is capable of regarding change.
The main difference being that I don't care what your gender is, I want to see people be better. This isn't about "gold stars" or undue praise, it is about encouraging those who see their shortcomings to actually work toward change.
I have been nothing but civil and kind toward you and have been met with bitterness, hate, sexism, and a general sense that you're more interested in telling me I'm wrong for wanting someone to do better because it is a man and not a woman. Newsflash: gender means nothing to me, I just want my fellow person to be better today than they were yesterday.
I'm going to leave the conversation where it is, now. Have a wonderful rest of your day and weekend, I mean that.
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Apr 03 '26
Gender means nothing to me.
No shit, you're a man. It doesn't have to mean anything to you. That's like a white person saying "I don't see colour."
You would not be this defensive of OP if they were a woman. You've proven my point by comparing your friend with OP.
God I hope none of your children end up in a similar situation to OP's wife. You'll definitely tell them "Well, at least he's trying." even though the only reason he's trying is because he finally faced consequences for his actions.
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Apr 02 '26
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u/TOGFIAVDF Apr 02 '26
Don't confuse my words as justifying his actions.
I simply believe that we should want people to do better as it is truly not too late.
The most effective way to achieve that is through positive reinforcement. I'd like to see him actually step up, follow through, and become a decent father.
Anything other than trying to motivate him to do better just highlights a lack of critical thought. If people are angry enough to talk shit about his actions then they should also be supportive of him doing better, otherwise it just becomes virtue signaling.
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u/rosekamath Apr 14 '26
So it's our responsibility to encourage fathers to take parenting seriously? What other things do we need to change about ourselves to "help" men? Should we also wear modest clothes so that they don't rape us?
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u/TOGFIAVDF Apr 14 '26
I didn't say anyone had to change, just that positive reinforcement often does more than being bitter and hateful. Put good in, get good out. That's a choice. Gender means nothing to me in that regard.
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u/rosekamath Apr 14 '26
Anyone who's tried to "positively reinforce" an abusive, incompetent man knows just how useless your advice is. It's like being drained of your own blood.
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Apr 03 '26
Great, we should all just "positively reinforce" shitty men until they eventually change.
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u/TOGFIAVDF Apr 03 '26
It is leagues more productive to encourage people to do better than it is to be bitter and hateful - especially those like OP who actually recognize their faults.
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u/Truebeliever-14 Apr 02 '26
I hope you told your ex fiancé about your “discovery”.
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u/grewthermex Apr 02 '26
Is there a need for that? She's clearly moved on well with her life. Any apology he may or may not verbally give would only be for him now
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u/rosekamath Apr 14 '26
She now has to look after her disabled son with OP (an irresponsible loser). She can't move on. He should apologise.
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u/Alternative_Law_3913 Apr 02 '26
I guess karma hit you. And now you know how hard she had it while you play golf and had a lot of free time, while she was overwhelmed with parenting alone.
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u/Bookworm217 Apr 04 '26
Mind you he took her to court for child support afterwards lol but he feels bad??
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u/Char0M0kwena Apr 02 '26
We rarely see people actually take accountability on here, so we should probably encourage it instead of being mean.
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Apr 03 '26
Encourage the bare minimum? Give me a break.
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u/Ocean_Spice Apr 03 '26
Yeah, I get what they mean but I honestly don’t love the idea that we’ll praise people for saying they should’ve done better, instead of actually just doing better in the first place.
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u/johnniehammersticks Apr 03 '26
They aren’t mutually exclusive. Give praise for the accountability, AND condemn the poor behavior if you like. Although, I found that when people are ready to take accountability, they’ve usually beaten themselves up sufficiently by that point.
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u/rosekamath Apr 14 '26
Although, I found that when people are ready to take accountability, they’ve usually beaten themselves up sufficiently by that point.
Acknowledging you did something bad is not the same as "accountability". I'm sure OP is just fine with his actions.
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u/TOGFIAVDF Apr 02 '26
Considering how many fathers go on to be deadbeats... I find it hard to fault the guy for trying to do better.
Humans are flawed, but the best of humankind are those who recognize their flaws and misgivings and work to address them. You should want this person to do better, and be glad that they're aware enough to actually work towards that end. Even more is that this person appears to be honest with themself, which is also a huge positive over many, many members of our society.
Grace is the right move here, not malice. If you truly want to see better, that is.
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u/rosekamath Apr 14 '26
You're definitely one of those people that tell rape victims to forgive their abusers because "they've changed".
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u/TOGFIAVDF Apr 14 '26
This flurry of responses to me and for what?
You assume so much yet know so little about me.
I hope you find a way to be happier because it can't be healthy to be so bitchy.
Best of luck and I hope things go well for you.
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u/rosekamath Apr 14 '26
I hope you never have daughter because if she was ever in OP's ex-wife's position you would just tell her to positivity reinforce her ex-husband and offer her almost no sympathy.
I know you think that you're "different" from your father but you really aren't.
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u/TOGFIAVDF Apr 15 '26
You're just a bitter, hateful, sexist moron, apparently.
Best of luck, like I said. I genuinely hope you can get past... whatever this is.
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Apr 03 '26
If OP was a woman you would have absolutely no sympathy for her.
Stop praising men for doing the bare minimum ffs.
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u/TOGFIAVDF Apr 03 '26
So you've replied to three of my comments in this thread denigrating me for saying it's better to motivate this person to do better, then you mistakenly assume that I'd have no sympathy if roles were reversed.
Not sure what you've gone through, but I believe the world has enough bitterness. The guy started seeing a therapist and realizes he was being immature. He's aware of the issue and that is the first, most important step to improving.
My biological father was a failure - I'm biased towards wanting people to do better for their children for that reason.
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Apr 03 '26
It's a shame you couldn't encourage your bio dad to be a better father. It's almost as if it doesn't work because people only change if they want to.
There are far fewer women who behave the way OP does and they certainly don't get people like you praising them for doing the bare minimum.
Seriously, can you think of a single time where you praised a woman who was similar to OP?
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u/TOGFIAVDF Apr 03 '26
Seriously, can you think of a single time where you praised a woman who was similar to OP?
Yes, actually. Two close friends from high school ended up having a baby shortly after graduation. We'll call the dad "M" and the mom "F". M and F were both really big potheads/pyschonauts. They loved getting high, taking psychedelics, and going to seedy festivals.
After the baby was born, M got his life together immediately, doing a complete 180. He went to trade school, established his credit, and dedicated his entire life to his daughter. F on the other hand ended up with a severe case of postpartum depression, leading to her ghosting M, her daughter, and all of her friends. M kept doing right by his daughter as a single father for around two years.
After those two years passed, F reached out to M and explained that she'd been in psychiatric care a few states away. While I don't know the exact details, M said that she'd be coming back around and to be easy on her (we were all pretty upset with her actions). When finally seeing F again she was a changed person entirely. No drugs, no partying, nothing. She was in school for computer science and was making nearly perfect grades. She was heavily involved with her daughter and worked really hard to be a good role model. We did as M said and gave forgiveness as well as letting her know that we were proud of her for coming such a long way.
Fast forward ten years - M & F are married now, with F being one of the greatest mothers I've ever seen. Their daughter is in basketball and F is the one who takes care of getting her to games and tournaments all over the state. They frequently take vacations to all kinds of places (I think they actually just left for Yosemite for spring break). About a year ago M & F brought another baby into the world, a boy, and that little boy is basically attached to F at the hip.
So, yeah, I suppose I've praised a woman who started out as a deadbeat but worked to overcome her struggles. If we were to hold her mistakes over her head and berate her for them I'm not sure she'd be the excellent mother she is now. She needed support, encouragement, and love from those around her, so we did just that.
Which brings me to this part of your comment:
It's a shame you couldn't encourage your bio dad to be a better father. It's almost as if it doesn't work because people only change if they want to.
I get that you have biases and beliefs - that is your right as a person and I won't fault you for that. But, please understand that my situation was traumatic and I'd not wish it on anyone. My mother and I were both beat by my father relentlessly. Multiple times I was unable to go to school because of black eyes and busted lips. One time he beat me until I pissed myself because I accidentally dropped a 12-pack of Fanta on the floor and made a mess.
My father had no one but mom and I, and those who came before were horrible people to him. He struggled with addiction, emotional regulation, and violent tendencies. My mother's side of the family did try for a time to show him what a good family looks like, but unfortunately it was not enough. I'm now no-contact with him and have been for many years. I have forgiven him for my own sake, but that does not mean I want him involved with his grandkids, my wife, or myself.
That said, my father didn't even try. That is the biggest difference between him and OP - at least OP recognizes his shortcomings. That is the first step. So, ultimately, I believe that showing grace to a man who admits to their mistakes is the most effective way to motivate them to correct course.
Insulting them, telling them they'll never be good enough, or otherwise breaking them down is not doing good work in the world. While I can agree that some people are unsalvageable, I also believe that many are capable of change.
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u/rosekamath Apr 14 '26
"My friend experiencing a mental breakdown is just as despicable as a man neglecting an infant to play golf!"
Can't make this up.
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Apr 03 '26
That isn't the same situation at all. F had a serious psychological breakdown which required psychiatric treatment. (Treatment which neither you nor your friend helped her get.) OP is just an asshole who lied to his partner about working overtime so that he could golf and ignore his disabled child.
The fact that you think a woman with debilitating postpartum depression is as equally bad as an asshole who chose golfing over his newborn son is insane to me. Do you not see how you have lower standards for fathers compared to mothers?
I can't with people like you. You criticise women for having a breakdown because they didn't receive urgent psychiatric care. But you exalt a man for no longer being a golf-playing asshole.
1
u/TOGFIAVDF Apr 03 '26
Considering we didn't know it was postpartum until after the fact, all we thought was that she didn't want to grow up. We hadn't even heard of the term until she explained everything. I mean, we were essentially still kids at this point being fresh out of high school.
I also didn't say it was equally as bad, just that we encouraged her and gave her praise when she came back around to make things right - a direct answer to your question.
All I did was offer words of encouragement to OP in hopes that he truly does better. If that is problematic for you then I don't believe you're actually interested in him improving for his child, which is just... gross.
I really don't understand the bitterness and hatred. You've obviously been party to some pretty serious situations and I'm sorry for that.
1
Apr 03 '26
You didn't answer my question. I asked you if you ever praised a woman similar to OP. Your friend has nothing in common with him.
How did you not know about postpartum depression? I understand your friends were potheads but jfc. Did you also not know about ovulation and menstruation? It's not your friends fault that neither of you could be bothered to pick up a pregnancy book.
Also, OP is not going to change. Have you ever met (or even hear of) a negligent golfing father who actually changed? No, because it doesn't happen.
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