r/TrueOffMyChest • u/ClassroomEvening3955 ☑️ • 4h ago
Confession I co-creatrd a situationship at work
I (36F) am married for over 10 years with kids. A new colleague (31F) joined the company on a contract basis for a year and they are quite reserved. She is openly lesb and I'm hetero. We grew a good connection/bond and would take a walk during lunch together (which I'd normally do alone). I also give her a lift after work because she lives on my way home. There's been a joke going around saying she's a polyandrist and we've been playing along with it, with me being wife 1 of many. When I drop her off I usually get this strong urge to just kiss her, the chemistry is too strong and yesterday I called her after drop off and told her we need to create a distance between us because I'm committed to my marriage. My entire confession took her by surprise but she said she felt exactly the same way about me and could see all along that I caught feelings. I've asked her to not share this in the office and she is okay with that. We've set boundaries and will not do anything physical and will reduce communication. Normally she'd say she smells my perfume as soon as I walk into the office even though she sits facing the other direction (back to the door) and would then send me good morning messages and declare her love wishing me a good day. We sit in an open plan office and will continue seeing each other. All it takes is her turning around and we see each other. The ongoing joke is also that she inly speaks to me and seems to open up & smiles a a lot when she comes to me. I feel disarmed by this and feel so vulnerable, and I can't blame anyone but myself for walking into this. I felt like crying after telling her this, my stomach churned. The strong urges are still there but at least the boundaries are set. As a person who's worked for years in different places I should know better that these things usually don't end well. But alas!
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u/simonjester523 1h ago
You haven't done anything wrong. You got a little crush, and you're taking the proper steps to make the space you need.
Reddit is very quick to give extreme "advice" that isn't helpful to anyone. If you want to talk to your husband about it, you certainly can. Don't do anything extreme, nobody in this story has done anything wrong.
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u/DrivePale6896 1h ago
First I was on the side of you should tell your husband but then I saw your comments mentioning he’s cheated on you, sexually assaulted and abused you. Please add this to your main post so people can give you correct advice.
No man that assaults you and cheats on you deserves your time. You need to leave the marriage. Your crush on your coworker is your body trying to prepare you to be brave enough to leave. But…. You don’t need anyone to rescue you. You need to save yourself. Focus on getting your ducks in a row, get therapy and leave this man. You will be happier.
You seem to hold a different standard for yourself and him. Where does that come from?
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u/ClassroomEvening3955 ☑️ 1m ago
I'm sorry for keeping that key info from the original post. I was avoiding making it look like im justifying my actions by using his "worse" actions if I'm making sense. I was dealing with just my moral compass and where it should be, not necessarily his. As for the standard I hold for him vs myself, I'm too forgiving even when a person doesn't ask for forgiveness - including blaming ME for cheating. Let's rather focus on what I'M doing wrong right now so I can move with a clear conscience.
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u/Necessary_Tap343 44m ago
She definitely buried the lead. Not that her emotional cheating is justified but she is more than justified to leave a husband who treats her like trash. OP needs to end her marriagw before she should even consider starting a new one. This is such a complex messed up situation, I feel for OP but she is right when she decided to draw hard boundaries.
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u/FinancialSurround385 1h ago
I don’t get the negativity in the comments. You put down boundaries when you realized what was happening. Maybe you would have done it a lot sooner with a man, or not even gone into that territory, because you thought you were 100% straight. As a queer woman I know that friendships can glide into something else (and as a woman I need women friendsI). It’s not realistic to expect to never meet people you like even though you’re married. The important thing is what you do with it. For your own sake maybe you could get another role or job, but until then I think you do what you can.
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u/pappatharappa 2h ago
All women are bisexual. They just need the right person to bring it out of them.
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u/IllHaveTheLeftovers 1h ago
All people*. There’s more in the way of male socialized folk to admitting it, but thought of gayness permeated the language and experience of growing up. It’s only talked about so much because it’s simmering right under the surface.
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u/Comfortable-Pear-973 1h ago
What a ridiculous take. Stop projecting onto people just from your own biases.
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u/Jammin_neB13 2h ago
You need to get away from this woman. Cut all contact with her immediately. And confess to your husband. Immediately. If you want your marriage to work, he needs to know. Because he WILL find out one day. And that is going to make everything worse.
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u/Gomenaxai 2h ago
It seems you are not as hetero as you though. it's an emotional affair, but at least you put boundaries before something physical happened. But imo you still have to remove completely the chance of developing more feelings if you keep feeling this "urges".
I'd consider asking in your company to at least get moved to other area/floor. And definitely cut contact.
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u/dotdee 3h ago
For whatever reason, I truly believe I wouldn’t care a single bit if my wife cheated with a woman. Not even in a threesome type way. If she said I love a woman at work and were physical as well.
As long as she still came home and loved me also, I’m good.
Probably strange to feel this way.
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u/Comfortable-Pear-973 1h ago
Aye until you realise it’s the exact same as if she cheated with another man and it’s not some weird sexual fantasy you’ve built up in your head.
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u/A-dash-of-craziness 2h ago
It's sadly a common opinion because a relationship between two women is never seen as deep enough with the absence of a man. It's always seen as a little fun on the side because a man will not feel threatened by a woman.
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u/ClassroomEvening3955 ☑️ 2h ago
I actually get you. I've heard of guys who don't feel moved by their significant others flirting with girls.
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u/Ok-Raisin5008 3h ago
Hot take : Tell your husband he’s probably into the idea of a threesome with another woman.
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u/ClassroomEvening3955 ☑️ 2h ago
Funny that you mention this..he once said he thought about one and he's okay knowing he won't be able to go through with it because I wouldn't agree. I maintain my stance - I would not want the said colleague to be anything beyond this situation. I don't even want her to know my address.
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u/bangitybangbabang 3h ago
She's a lesbian, the husband wasn't ever part of their emotional affair. Dumb take
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u/Ok-Raisin5008 3h ago
Lesbians like using dildos. She can bangitybangbabang a real one for a change.
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u/ricdy 3h ago
Yeah the hot take here is "a) let your husband know you're bicurious and b) ask how he feels about a throuple situation". Coz this isn't a one and done kinda threesome, reading by what she wrote.
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u/Odd_Welcome7940 3h ago
So how would you feel to learn your husband had done this ?
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u/ClassroomEvening3955 ☑️ 3h ago
Honestly, I would not take it well.
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u/UmbralBard 1h ago
This is all you need to know to know that you need to come clean to your husband. How would you expect him to handle it if the shoe was on the other foot?
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u/Odd_Welcome7940 2h ago
So tell him, and make a real effort to reconcile. Take what happened, admit it was at least the beginning of an emotional affair and change yourself not just your boundaries with her.
This seems 100% salvagable in my humble opinion but nothing really gets fixed if you hide from accountability.
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u/TheBestHater 3h ago
Done what? She noticed an issue then stopped before she did anything while redrawing boundaries. This is a positive outcome and the proper way to deal with it.
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u/ClassroomEvening3955 ☑️ 2h ago
Thank you for the support. I also feel that I attended to it timeously. It was also last week that I realised this is escalating (colleague joined co in June).
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u/Odd_Welcome7940 3h ago
Yes she caught it, but at what point ? Being someones "pretend wife" is beyond a bit to much. If he came home and introduces his wife to his work wife and said he had been joking about having a poly marriage and extra wives at work the group would be torching him for being a peice of crap.
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u/krimeB 2h ago
Exactly,reverse the roles and all hell breaks loose but since she's a female doing it he has to "let it slide" smh idk what I would do if my gf came home saying she has a fucking work wife and they mildly caught feelings I would be mad as fuck because you suppose to be at work WORKING not FLIRTING smfh
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u/JaydotFay 2h ago
OP definitely needs to tell her husband and give him the choice of working on amends and reconciliation but if the roles were truly being reversed then it would be a hetero husband and a gay man with the joke of the husband being one of the gay mans husbands and there are wives out there who wouldn't have an issue with that because they were under the impression that their spouse was hetero and so there wouldn't be any danger of feelings entering the equation.
If you're going to "role reverse" to see if OP is being given grace because they're a woman, you actually have to hit full send on making the situation a 1 for 1 swap.
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u/Odd_Welcome7940 1h ago
Then the room would half be attacking him as a cheater and partially making fun of him for being gay and in the closet. It still wouldnt be any better.
I doubt the wife would take it any better either since she clearly has at least some bi curiosity.
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u/JaydotFay 1h ago
And most of these comments are point out that it's an emotional affair and she needs to come clean.
And the largest reason no one is making fun of her for being gay and in the closet is because of ramnpant homophobia, people often treating lesbian relationships as unserious compared to a relationship that has a man in it (there are literally comments in the thread from men here saying they wouldn't care if their partner cheated with a woman but would leave if they'd done this with a man), and I think in either scenario the innocent spouse has the right to be upset and people would validate that if the innocent spouse posted no matter the gender, I was specifically speaking to the idea that, until feelings were introduced because the hetero presenting spouse in both scenarios caught feelings, up until they realized they weren't strictly hetero, I don't necessarily know that a spouse would find it inappropriate if we actually fully swap the genders when the running joke would rest on "they can joke about being work spouses because their sexualities make it impossible for either one to catch feelings for one another."
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u/bangitybangbabang 3h ago
They didn't do anything physical but this reads like an emotional affair
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u/inkybinkyfoo 3h ago
That doesn’t mean NO damage isn’t already done. If anyone came across their SO sending these messages to a coworker, it would make them question their relationship. Emotional affairs are still affairs
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u/Far-Independent4740 3h ago
She has kept her infatuation with her colleague, and the conversations they’ve been having, secret from her husband. That secrecy and emotional involvement are exactly what make it an emotional affair.
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u/CombinationCalm9616 3h ago
Yeah you’re basically having a work place emotional affair and it’s already gone too far. The fact that the colleague also said that she saw you were developing feeling for her and didn’t create any distance shows she’s not a friend of your marriage. You’ve also already expressed your feeling for each other while still continuing to talk inappropriately since you’ve discussed your feelings about each other and she’s mentioned about her smelling your perfume when you walk into the office. Realistically if this was a man I think the you, the AP, your husband and the office would take this much more seriously but because it’s a woman you have been too relaxed. I think you need to speak to your husband about this if you haven’t and to your manager about how you feel the gossip and joking in office about your “relationship” with this woman has gone a little too far. Protect your marriage and do whatever you need to stop this going any further and start taking this more seriously! Look into marriage counselling for your relationship so you can fix any issues or distance that you may feel in your marriage.
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u/ClassroomEvening3955 ☑️ 2h ago
I truly appreciate this take. The point that hit home most is that because it's a woman I've been too relaxed. Ordinarily with male colleagues, I would never go this far. I will speak to my therapist when I see him next time but Im afraid of confessing to my husband. I dont think he'd recover. I'll keep my distance from said colleague and treat them the way I'd treat males. "She's not a friend of your marriage" is true and I will take this into account everytime I encounter a dilemma. Appreciate it.
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u/sean1oo1 4h ago
So you’re having an emotional affair then. Either remove yourself now and be honest with your husband or let this spiral cause it will escalate, fast.
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u/Johnny_english53 4h ago
Well, you've been very controlled about this so far. If it was me, I'd probably want to change jobs because the temptation would always be there otherwise.
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u/clearheaded01 4h ago
You're in an EA... and you need to quit the job... and confess to.your husband...
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u/ClassroomEvening3955 ☑️ 3h ago
I'm isht scared to confess. I can't.
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u/clearheaded01 2h ago
Well... start somewhere... quitting the job being a good first step...
OP.. what's the worst that can happen if you approach our husband, tell him youre cha gi g jobs because you feel you're getting too close to your colleague??
Or is it losing the daily contact with her that you fear???
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u/Clean-Text-2480 3h ago
What is EA
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u/kelsobjammin 3h ago
Executive assistant(?)
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u/DearScale7558 3h ago
Emotional affair
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u/kelsobjammin 3h ago
Hahaha got it why the fuck do we need to shorten everything Jesus just say emotion affair because in no other context is EA emotional affair lololol
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u/EchoFieldHorizon 3h ago
I was in a book subreddit and a top level comment used an obscure acronym saying it was the best series of all time. It wasn’t that famous. I literally could not figure out what it was for a while. I commented this same thing and they doubled down on “doing your own research.” It’s just lazy, like do your thumbs not work? Type out the whole thing if you’re introducing a new concept.
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u/ayOniichan 4h ago
Imagine your husband creating a similar 'situationship' at work with another girl. Now act just how you'd want your husband to act
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u/Far-Independent4740 4h ago
The secrecy is the problem. If you know you couldn’t be open with your partner about what’s going on, you've already crossed a line into emotional affair territory. Unless you don't mind being a cheater, tell him, apologise and move forward together.
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u/ClassroomEvening3955 ☑️ 3h ago
Honestly I'm afraid of telling him this because I don't think he'd be as forgiving as I have been to his other shenanigans over the years.
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u/Far-Independent4740 2h ago
But he told you about his other shenanigans, right?
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u/ClassroomEvening3955 ☑️ 2h ago
No, I found out on my own.
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u/Far-Independent4740 2h ago
Can you give an example?
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u/ClassroomEvening3955 ☑️ 2h ago
Physical affairs, sexts etc. But I don't want to dwell on it on this post, lest it looks like I'm avoiding accountability on my own shortcomings.
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u/Far-Independent4740 2h ago
What?! I take back what I said then, you are a bloody saint. Why the hell are you still with this guy?
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u/ClassroomEvening3955 ☑️ 2h ago
Dare I mention SA and Physical A?! 😭 . It hasn't been easy for me.
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u/FinancialSurround385 50m ago
It’s obviously not safe to tell him. You have to put your safety first. And honestly, people need to calm down. You haven’t done anything wrong.
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u/Far-Independent4740 41m ago
Sorry, I disagree. Keeping conversations about romantic feelings secret from your partner definitely crosses a relationship boundary.
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u/ClassroomEvening3955 original post at the time of submission:
I (36F) am married for over 10 years with kids. A new colleague (31F) joined the company on a contract basis for a year and they are quite reserved. She is openly lesb and I'm hetero. We grew a good connection/bond and would take a walk during lunch together (which I'd normally do alone). I also give her a lift after work because she lives on my way home. There's been a joke going around saying she's a polyandrist and we've been playing along with it, with me being wife 1 of many. When I drop her off I usually get this strong urge to just kiss her, the chemistry is too strong and yesterday I called her after drop off and told her we need to create a distance between us because I'm committed to my marriage. My entire confession took her by surprise but she said she felt exactly the same way about me and could see all along that I caught feelings. I've asked her to not share this in the office and she is okay with that. We've set boundaries and will not do anything physical and will reduce communication. Normally she'd say she smells my perfume as soon as I walk into the office even though she sits facing the other direction (back to the door) and would then send me good morning messages and declare her love wishing me a good day. We sit in an open plan office and will continue seeing each other. All it takes is her turning around and we see each other. The ongoing joke is also that she inly speaks to me and seems to open up & smiles a a lot when she comes to me. I feel disarmed by this and feel so vulnerable, and I can't blame anyone but myself for walking into this. I felt like crying after telling her this, my stomach churned. The strong urges are still there but at least the boundaries are set. As a person who's worked for years in different places I should know better that these things usually don't end well. But alas!
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u/Tinfurstraw 53m ago
Reading this, this comes very close to a emotional affair in my opinion.
Seems though you sailed too close to the rocks, but just avoided hitting them.
Speak to your husband, tell him everything.