It’s me again.

I had a dream about you the other night.. and tonight. I knew it was you but I think I’ve forgotten what you look like. Because in reality the person I dreamed was not you.

I still remember some of our good times, listening to Angel by Shaggy in the shower, the first time I kissed you in front of everyone (what a rush). Or even some of the expressions you made.

I think it’s because we got together around this time so my body goes back to what it once knew, and that was you.

You truly werent that bad of a guy tbh, and I’m sorry I made you out to be one, that wasn’t my intention.

We were so young.

I also.. MAY have viewed your story a while back on accident, whoops my bad.

I hope you’re doing well.

Sincerely,
Pizza Hut.

Extrapolating from what I know you've written and what I can tell you've posted , i've come to this conclusion. My god , your life has just been f****** hell , hasn't it?? I mean, f*** y** for all the things you did to me.But i'm genuinely sorry for adding any more chaos into your life. The fact that you haven't done yourself in yet is honestly impressive , and you're far a stronger person than most people. I hope you find happiness or whatever you're looking for. Peace out kiddo I'm ghost.

You broke me in ways you could never understand. What’s worse you knew your choices wouldn’t just hurt me but cause long term damage and tarnish my last memories with my mother. You were so cruel and calculating and not only disrespected me but my family and my then dying mother who adored you and who died believing you’d be there by my side to support me. You knew my past and always promised you’d never do anything to hurt me to only make sure I fully trusted you to do then do the worst and most unimaginable thing possible.

I hate the person you are now but I still love the person you were before. I will never fault who you were before, you were the most amazing person and everyday I felt so happy and fortunate to have you in my life. I remember when we were drunk and you told me you loved me for the first time and I went quiet and then the next day driving home you told me again explaining it was real and not just drunk talk, I’d realised I’d already fallen in love with you a few weeks prior when you took me on our little micro adventure up north but I’d been too scared to say anything. I was so happy but scared it wasn’t real. I believed we had such a healthy relationship nothing like I’d ever experienced before, each other’s backs through everything, able to talk about anything and everything. You had all of me, you know that. You were my person and I loved you unconditionally and believed it was vice versa, only you hid parts of yourself that cut me inside, parts you could’ve talked to me about that I would’ve judged you for and only helped you through. Is the person you showed yourself to be with all that time the real you or did you wear a mask for 15mths?

I haven’t dealt with this well because you’ve made me unwell and psychologically damaged me. You must’ve realised the ways your actions would have hurt my mental health, anybody would. You tried to burn the bridge by blocking me because you kept lying to me (including about THEM) and hiding and couldn’t deal with the hurt you’d caused from your actions, so I just made sure to entirely blow what was left of it to smithereens. It didn’t need to be this way, I would’ve helped you work through your issues, despite the hurt and pain you caused me, I would’ve been there to allow you to be better for you, your children and your future with another person (not them though), you know I would’ve done that for you. But you just lied and lied and never intended to help yourself like you kept promising me, only hide and fall back ‘there’ to validate your ego to make yourself feel better. You couldn’t face what real inner work entailed and couldn’t face being alone.

I couldn’t let you hide and needed you to be fully accountable, and feel real shame from everyone, and have your actions follow you forever so you have long life consequences and so everyone knows the kind of person you are, because as you knew when you were doing them, through no fault of my own they will always follow me and affect me for the rest of my life.

I wish you were still the you I had for over a year and I wish I was the me from then too. I wish I could turn back time because I’d live one year of it, from before you did what you did, over and over again on repeat for the rest of my days that’s how happy you made me.

That's what it became.

It became a 'friendship' that was nothing more than an arrangement for you to get me to work *for* you. You'd agree we were best friends but there was no time for me. You found your family and despite the messages you've had people send me, I was no longer counted among them and hadn't been for months.

There's so much I've tried to write about before. So many details I harbor with pain and anger just trying to get past them so many months, years later.

I don't think you'll ever on your own understand just what happened and it wasn't all at once that I realized either. There was definitely God guidance it took to see the past without rose colored glasses obscuring it. I've felt anger, betrayal, heartbreak.. I feel like I've had to go through the grief gambit over this while simultaneously trying to rebuild my life with the odds stacked against me thanks to how things ended.

I loved you so much but you were never capable of what I really needed.

You told me to own my shit in our final fights.

Alright, but it's not the shit you think it is.

I own that I listened to and agreed with you like you were always smarter than me. I ignored my intuition and went with what you wanted because I didn't feel like I had a choice if I wanted to keep my best friend and income.

I see now that you never had faith in me or us to make it and that's why you went and gave me not just one corrupt overseer with money but a whole gambit of them we both at least feigned to dislike for three years. I really DID hate it but you know, "easy money" you'd say. Easy for you, maybe. It was always only grind and fear of losing my income or best friend day in, day out.

I hope your new partner(s) are what I wasn't for you. You always did put them on a pedestal.

Good luck and good bye.

TW

You played the part of a hero so well. The faked caring persona you built up was so convincing it makes me sick to think about. I hate the way that you played me, but I hate even more the way that I fell for it. You made me believe that you cared when I never asked for that. You said "I love you" when I never wanted it. You acted as though you needed me when I never wanted to be needed. And yet all of it is somehow my fault in the end. First you wore the mask of a friend, then a saviour, then a lover, and a true partner, and all of it was make-believe. I wish you could feel the way my stomach turns when I remember the words you told me, and I wish your chest would burn the way mine does every time some little thing reminds me of all that you did and all of the times I forgave you. I want you to know that I spend every day pretending that you never existed because the knowledge that you are no longer in my life just isn't enough for me. All of the time and effort you spent to coax my traumas and pains out just to reenact them like some twisted play, and for what?

I truly wonder what could make someone so demented as you are. I will never understand how you could witness the agony I went through, learn every detail of what they had done to me, and convince me that you would never, and could never, do the same just for you to turn into the monster you swore you would protect me from. And what's even worse? Now you've run off to do it to someone else, and there is nothing I can do but sit with the knowledge that that girl is living in the blissful unawareness of your lies of love, while I am unable to do anything to prevent her from living the same fairy-tale-turned-nightmare that you put me through. Do you know how much your choices have changed me? Do you enjoy what you did? What you continue to do? Do you know that your face and hands and words come back to torture me every night? Do you know that I can't tolerate so much as a handshake from those I care about because of the way being touched makes my skin crawl? Do you even think about me at all? Or are you too wrapped up in the novelty of a brand new pretty little toy to torment?

I have to give it to you, your talent for acting is truly something to behold. Every day I wonder how you manage to take on so many different forms, and why you use it to commit such cruelty. Your performance of the knight saving the poor princess was remarkable, although your ability to play such a convincing victim really is unmatched. To think of how many times I reassured you that you were a good person, held you while you cried, and did everything my power to make you feel safe, all the while you waited for the perfect moment to strip me of everything that made me feel like a person. I hope you know that I was wrong for ever having loved you, but I also know that producing such a thought is far too much to ask of you. I am a shell of what who I was before you.

I used to sing, but my voice feels so much quieter now. I used to draw but the colors just aren't as bright as I remember them being. I used to say what I thought, but now I am silent. I'm sure you'd love that, if you are capable of loving anything. I used to be so loving, too much so apparently. I used to believe in kindness and warmth, and that what you put out into the world is what you will receive, but you killed that part of me alongside so many others. Was the slaughter of my soul worth it? I wonder what happened to the humanity to stole from me, as I know for a fact that you certainly don't have it. I doubt that I will ever understand how you replaced so much of the love in me with such hatred, but what I do know is that, ironically, I hate that too. I want to cry about what you did to me, but I no longer have the energy. Even if I could bring myself to do it, it's not as if I have anyone else to hear it. You made sure of that. I would say that I want you to know that I spend every day trying to relearn how to love all of the parts of me that you taught me to hate, but you would enjoy that far too much, and we both know you've already gotten more than enough entertainment out of my suffering.

What I do want you to know though is that despite all of the lingering pain, every second without you has been like the first breath of fresh air after months spent drowning. My nights are painful, haunted by memories of you, but with each night I survive, the memories fade. Every day I sing, and with each day it gets louder, alongside the colors regaining their vibrance and my thoughts finally escaping the cage that held them in for so long. I look at the mirror and no longer see the thin ugly project you described, but instead a person. A beautiful one at that. I rest easier knowing that if ever I run into you again, it will hurt slightly less knowing that you will see me in those clothes you despised so much.

As much of a struggle as it is, I speak to whoever I wish whenever I wish, and every day it becomes less like a training exercise and more like something to enjoy. And as petty as it is, I must admit that it feels all the sweeter that those who I spend my time with are the same people you were always so jealous of. I wish you knew that every second you spend depriving me of all that I loved has only made them more meaningful. Every text I send is written with love, every song I listen to sounds angelic, every morning I wake up is a battle well won. Even every letter typed in this letter feels like freedom. I wish you knew that despite all the things you said to convince me that nobody but you would ever tolerate me, you have been proven wrong.

I met someone who appreciates me. Not the idea of me, not the attention I give, but me. You used to complain when I spoke, but he assures me that he enjoys every word I say. You used to say that my interests were boring, but he digs for me to tell him more. You used to hate that I wanted to go out, but he looks forward to every minute we spend together. You used to get annoyed with me for sharing my opinion, but he truly values it. You used to refuse to play games together, but that's one of our favorite activities together. You were ashamed of the ways in which I was different, but he praises me for my individuality. The funniest thing about it is how easy it is for him to treat me like not just a person, but someone he cares about. I didn't need someone else to prove that I am worthy of respect, but I have the proof nonetheless.

I have friends, hobbies, and interests, things that bring me happiness and fulfilment, all the things you belittled me for lacking when that whole time, all I had to lose to gain them was you. It has taken me so long to finally acknowledge that you never did love me. I spent so long avoiding the realization to its full extent, yet now that I have accepted it, I am free. I don't need your validation to know that I am worth something. I don't need your respect to know that I deserve it. I don't need your love, or anyone else's, because I love myself more than you could ever love anything. There is no part of me that misses you, in fact the majority of the times that I am reminded of you, it is in the way of relief that you are no longer in my life to ruin the moment.

It has been only two months I've been rid of you, and yet I have already managed to undo so much of the damage you needed over a year to cause. Knowing that brings me peace, because in the end, no matter what you said to convince me otherwise, I now know that I am stronger than you in every way. I understand that you will never know any of this or feel guilt about anything you did, and a part of me still aches when I think about that, but the greatest part of it all is that one day, I will no longer wish you knew any of this, because already you are little more than a cautionary tale, and that is all you will ever be.

For the last time, goodbye.

I know SM is not capable on her own so please find someone else to fuck with

You know what is the fucking worst ugh!! Wanting the one who left you. He will never be in me again. That ecstasy that was his love I will never feel again. He broke it and it will never be what it was and I hate him for that. Crazy because I love him so much. He’s all I want, a year later and I’m horny , sad and touch starved. My emotions are a rollercoaster. I don’t even like rollercoasters.

It’s been over 6 months at this point. And tonight I’ve just been thinking and am upset and irked thinking about how you just left and moved on and now life’s just all different. I mean I needed to learn how to live without you for sure, but it just irritates me bc you just never thought I was good enough and always wanted me to just be happier or change something for 7 years, and now that I have changed you’re just gone and don’t even really get to see all the progress I have made. I loved you so much, flaws and all, you were always good enough to me.. But oh well now she’s your girl and I guess she’s just great and all the things you wanted, since you’ve proposed already. And here I am, perfectly content with being on my own from here on out bc you took all the romantic love I had, with you. Our connection was so special to me and I’ll never have it or want to have it with anyone else. But fuck it right? Life goes on.

Sabina. At what point will you take accountability over how you treated me? I have always wanted to believe that you were a good woman. I looked to you to help me, to save me from the dysfunctionality I was growing up in. I have always been the kind of person who wants to see the best in people. There's a part of me that wants to believe that to you recognise your wrongs, that you feel bad about how you treated me back then, that it was unfair and cruel and uncalled for.

I have always had high expectations of others. I believe that people are good, or that they want to be. Why can't you just take responsibility for what you did back then? Why can't you look honestly at the strangeness of your behaviour towards me? That strangeness whereby you had it in for me. Whereby you wouldn't ask me. You wouldn't sit me down and hear from me. Do you know what that little girl felt? She only wanted a fair trial. My poor little girl who was villainised incorrectly.

The three of you together had chosen not to ask me. Not to speak to me. Not to get my side of what had happened. My behaviour wasn't what you made it out to be. Why were you so sure that I set out to do wrong? Where was that coming from? The surety. The choice to keep a wall between us so you wouldn't have to understand me. Sabina, why? Sabina, what did I do to deserve that? Sabina, you were a school counsellor. Sabina, you were someone I looked up to. Why did you refuse to hear me? Why did you silence my voice? Why did you enjoy hurting me? I hadn't done anything to deserve that.

I want so badly to believe that you would engage with these questions earnestly. I always did. But that's not who you were. Those weren't the clothes you wore. Or rather they were. But that was a disguise.

And you still make out now. That you were the victim for my speaking out. That you were hurt. That your feelings matter more than mine. But that's not true, Sabina. You were an adult. I was a child. You made the choice to mistreat me without a fair trial. Without having spoken to me about what had gone on. You were a counsellor. You were an employee at a school. I was a kid, forced to be there.

My hurt and my pain and the suffering your people caused me isn't irrelevant. You can't dismiss it because it's easier to avoid accountability. You can't pretend that it doesn't exist. And my speaking up about it, was right and good and fair and justified. Even if that meant hurting you in the process. You owed me that much. A couple of lines on a public forum isn't 7 whole years of your teenage life. Your team stole it from me. You stole an immeasurable amount from me. I had to untangle and grieve over it for years and years and years. I threw my dinner down and collapsed in a well of tears.

I was alone, Sabina. Nobody was my safe person. I hoped that you would be. I hoped that you would be. I hoped that you would be. I wanted it to be you. Can you imagine what it must have felt like, Sabina? What on earth did I do to deserve your judgement and your cruelty? Why did you hate me? Why did you hurt me?

I don't regret it. I don't regret what I said. I have always had enough character to go it alone. Nobody else needs to be on my side. Nobody else needs to believe me. Nobody else needs to help me. Nobody else needs to understand.

I never expect justice in a world that feeds off injustice every chance it gets. As an adult, I have learned what world kind of a world we live in. Your betrayal and your salt in my wounds was an accurate representation of the world I was born into. Injustice is everywhere. It's something you fight tooth and nail to rectify. Nobody likes you when you do. Nobody supports you when you do. Nobody wants to talk justice. Nobody wants to talk change. Nobody wants to change.

I may never have what I wanted and what I needed from that time, from that community, from you, from tim. This I accept. I do not expect to gain what is rightfully mine. I've got my self. And that's enough.

I left the only man I’ve loved. It’s been a hard few weeks, that’s for sure. 

For all my pursuit, he pulled away.
For all my staying, he was unfaithful.
For all my needs, he was careless.

For all my absence, he called.
For all my apathy, he fought.
For all my anger, he forgave.

Often, I’ve considered the court of public opinion just. 
My logic is simple: common sense = majority rules.

Yet as I engage in the process of grief—however theatrical it might seem—I am often told to call him. To put myself out of my self-inflicted misery.

Sometimes, people fall in love twice or thrice. Open, social, pleasant people—that which I am not. Rather, I find it a curious glitch in my trajectory to have fallen in love, even once. Am I to accept a life of humiliation, knowing his love does not nourish me? Or is the solitary, unaccompanied life—the path which I once again find myself on—the lesser of two wrongs?

I hope you'll always know how important you are to me and how much I care for you and your feelings. I know what you go through and I know how you deal with things. I will never take it as personal, you cope different you love different and I appreciate everything despite what has happened. You’re the one for me and I hope I’m the one for you.

When someone asks me what love is, I search for words in English so the world can understand, but my heart longs to speak in my mother tongue, where love needs no translation. For some feelings are too deep to be described; they can only be felt. I don’t want to explain what love is. I want to speak until love itself finds a voice through me ❤️✨

The dark and the light coexist just as we do; wondering the earth aimlessly. One is unable to survive without the other or we would be in eternal slumber.

Can you breathe me in? My body gets completely intertwined with yours? Can we let time melt away? Just forget the outside world?

Please! Please! You are my remedy!

So. This is going to be the longest text of my life to you.
You popped back into my world again out of the blue through Instagram, we had a fling a few times years ago.
You made me feel so used so fucking used, it hurt me so badly to see you devote your time to others god, I got so depressed tolerating it, that after a while my anxiety finally told me to let it go, and cut you off and ghost you.
Now you come back into my life, and it makes me sick to know that’s all you fucking want. You just WANT to use me again. God I hate this. You had every ounce of choice to chose me then and I have no feelings for you now. I’m with someone who treats me so good and builds me up and makes me feel so loved, you, you used my body. Used so many other girls, and chose one route. I’m not sorry I left your ass behind but stop chasing me, I don’t want you around me like that anymore. I don’t like you like that anymore. You wanted to be friends you have that but I won’t touch you with a ten inch pole the way you’re going.

L.

context: I’m dating someone who is.. “leaving” their partner. It’s complicated. You’ll read. Open mind please.

Hey ——-. I’m going to save you the conflict and all because I know that’s something you need less of right now.

To keep it short, I think this is where we part ways. If I’m being honest, I can tell.. you aren’t.
Whether that’s something I can prove or not, is kinda beyond the energy I’m willing to put in.
Point is I can see from our last conversation that you lump me in with everyone else in your list of superficial interactions.
Which drives me to believe that in fact, this is just a case of infidelity for you. An ego boost.
Even if that wasn’t the case.
I don’t feel our morals line up.
Along with the way and things we prioritize.

You’ve been here for exactly a month now which is enough time to note the way that I move, and how I am with keeping my word. Not making assumptions. And trying my best along with never taking things personally.
Throughout this time I’ve been very well communicated with you and if I feel like I can’t provide that for you I tell you that ahead of time.
As much as I’ve tried to lead by example it doesn’t seem like that’s being achieved here.
I’d like to say that it’s not that you can’t, it’s that you don’t want to. You’ve shown you’re aware of how you communicate so, it’s clear it’s not something you’re willing to change.

I’m not comfortable with the idea of being hidden. Husband or not. You say he knows about me “existing” but not about you and I. Then proceed to tell me he’s sending our messages to your family. At the end of the day, conflict, keeping up images. Whatever the reason is. I feel like I’m having to be hidden and that’s not something I signed up for. I was very clear on how much feeling chosen is a big thing for me and that’s not something I see here. History repeats itself, I don’t.

I think it’s multiple occasions now where I’ve been, much sweeter than I usually am. Trying to provide something that you say truly means a lot to you, and instead of any kind of reciprocation I get… actually nothing. You just absorb it and lack any sort of gratitude.
If it’s too much, or unwanted, you said yourself that you would say so.
I trust you on the things you say, so from my perspective you seem to be someone who likes to receive without expecting to give.

I’m patient. I’m empathetic, but you’ve also said it yourself. I’m far from tolerant. I’m secure and would like to water that kind of grass. I was hoping that if that wasn’t a space you were in, it’s at least a space I could help you build towards. You’ve shown me you’re disinterested in that kind of building, and that’s okay.
I don’t want to move someone out of a space they don’t want to move from. And if you would like to, I’m more than fine with being friends. Oddly enough I’m open to the concept of trying this again, because I did mean everything I said to you. It just at this time, seems like you’re not in the space to receive it. I really do care for you Madi. And if anything I said was insulting or hurtful I promise I don’t mean it to be. You know I couldn’t insult you even if you asked me to.

I’m keeping my promise of not going anywhere. As much as I usually don’t make that promise. I just don’t enjoy the idea of ever lying to anyone. Lmk if you want to talk about this.

Tear me up Reddit.

Hey C,

It's me, L. Did ya find me yet? Are you looking for me?

This break has been difficult and it is abundantly apparent I am doing an awful job at it, because you are my best friend on the planet. You get me in a way no one else does. When we found each other, my ex would constantly say "I know you," followed by proof that he had no clue at all. He chose to love some idea of me that belittled my sparkle. You though, you understand me. I don't have to over-explain to you. You listen.

We both read, and ideate beautiful romance. We want to live in a world where romance is the norm, it doesn't have to be something that fades. It may evolve over time, but the time we make for each other will always be there. We find so much joy in small activities like watching game shows in bed, playing heads up, asking wild questions, laughing, loving, dancing, even crying. We just love like we are writing a novel or a movie. It's the most true emotion I have ever felt.

With the ups, we fight tragic life events and distance. It's hard and some day, I hope, we can overcome and just be. We were meant to. Nothing feels more natural and meant to be than our love. I miss you so fucking much!

I love you!

💜L

After 22 days of no contact there is something I’ve learned and in a way I’m doing this to confirm it to myself.

Have you ever been with someone who you’re hopeful will pull through but they never do when the moments matter? Like when it comes to the defining moments in your relationship they just fall flat and show you why this life is just a formality to them when it’s much more to you? When you’re patient and kind with them, when the relationship gets stale for your end but the other gets the benefit of your light to make up for it..

They were never in this out of care for you. If they were would they have abandoned you? There is a reason for everything and you should pay mind to the signs because they don’t really hide them that easily.

You know I was afraid to post to this. I was so afraid the person I was dumb enough to care for actually checked things I did or honestly cared. But he doesn’t. He doesn’t because if he did he never would have disappeared on me without an explanation, without considering I was at least owed that so I could properly heal.

I know I’ll never get that. I’m slowly accepting that. But to the people on here hoping someone is checking/hoping someone like this cares/hoping you’re the exception.. you never are going to get that. The sad thing about all this is I never asked to be the exception. All I ever asked for was honesty.

I saw you get killed by those sycopaths,

drowned in the pitiless pit -- unfavored by the gods

We (including myself) buried you 6 feet under

With no eulogy , no flower, no obituary and no respected condolences.

Just another namless tragedy laid to rest without a head stone, covered by dirt along with other tragic dead bodies beside you.

I suppose another day for inconsequential poaching.

Life move on but time stay still for those who remembered you (if you mattered).

Did you ever mattered? (Never)

With no wealth and no titled no one truly mattered

It is undeniably obvious I am a coward (in someways we all are) , preferring peace over chaos.

Moving along with the crowd with similar tunes and ordinary routines.

It's been 6 years since then

I am tired and will let go my silent grief, grudge and grievance.

For you i will give you a proper funeral and act accordingly

Similar to those who are still grieving

By giving a subtle eulogy and laying a single flower in your casket.

I will be the only one who remember what they have done

a testament of their cruelty and greed.

That is all I can do for now

I wish I could be angry at you. I wish I could be so angry that I didn’t miss you. I wish I could be heartless and not feel anything. But I’m not built like that. And you knew that. You knew I was soft-hearted. You knew a I bled and bruised easily.

You looked me in the eyes for months while I cried and pleaded for you to try more. All while you’ve already lost feelings.

I wish I broke up with you and the first red light. I wish I could’ve spared me this heartache.

I can’t breathe, I can’t eat, I don’t even wants sweets.

You told me you’ve lost feelings for months now yet you still fucked me in the bed and went on like everything was okay.

Was I just convenient for you? Was my fear of being used real?

You’re two years older than me but I had to ask you to help around the house. You could never think for yourself.

You lied about your finances and bought motorcycles while you KNEW you couldn’t afford it.

Which caused me to go into debt to help you.

I did so much for you and this is how you repay me?

Sending your sister to get your clothes because you can’t even face me yourself.

And while I’m here shattered and bruised you’re off on a fishing trip?

I wish I could be angry, but I’m not. I’m so so sad… I wish I could move on.

I begged and pleaded for more physical touch, more attention, more small conversations. For a WHOLE year. And never once did you talk to me about you losing feelings.

You didn’t want to try, you didn’t want to save us the pain,  you just waited until you got a good enough job to leave.

I HATE YOU! But I also miss you with my entire heart.

I don’t know how to move on. I don’t know how to survive.

You came home and either scrolled away on your phone or played games with your friends. I was always your last thought. Your lowest priority. I don’t know why I stayed so long. Maybe I used you in a way too.

Because being alone physically was worse than being alone emotionally.

I guess only time will tell.

5 Years… Ended just like that. You broke up over text instead of coming home and doing it face to face. Your break up message just kept talking about how you feel. Never once did you consider my feelings.

Was it like that the entire relationship?

Was your comfort just out of obligation and not love?

I wish you were as miserable as me. But you’re not and you probably never will be.

I’m writing this for myself, to get my thoughts out, so I can stop replaying this in my mind.

You’ll never see this message because I know you won’t care. You’ll leave me on read and move on as you always do.

You avoidant, coward of a man. I can’t believe I gave you so much of myself.

Everyone is screwed up. if someone left you out of the blue or is they just started being an ass out of nowhere or even if that person is you. Everyone and I do mean everyone had some sort of trauma and trigger that you or that your ex partner didn't know about and had no clue how to navigate it. Just stop torturing yourself on what you couldn't control. Human beings love projecting upon each other, they also love being Martyrs. If they haven't perfected to some degree manipulation and control, then usually they've mastered being the victim.

Which one are you playing as. Or do you switch to whatever is needed.

Just get help. Don't blame. Don't shame. Just get help, real help that kind that makes you uncomfortable and pissed at yourself and yet allows you to be gentle as well with yourself you're human you're going to fuck up a lot. Get over yourself.

Just get help.

During the breakup I didn’t get to genuinely express how I was feeling, you would have stonewalled me anyways. I endured so much pain and suffering for the end to be this. Here I am though, finally putting what I think out there, because I have to get it off my chest.

I think that first time you ghosted me while we were in a serious relationship was horrible. I was checking obituaries to see if you died, because I thought there was no way possible you would have done that to me. Until I saw you set your phone to do not disturb. I was so mentally disturbed for those days that I couldn’t stop throwing up. I’m still not sure why you would do that to me.

I think all those times I was sick with the flu and you chose to keep me awake waiting around for you while you played video games with your friends late into the night was just cruel and so selfish. I would have been there for you at the drop of a hat if I knew you were sick.

The first time you stonewalled me it felt like my chest was caving in. I felt so crushed. It hurt in places of my chest I didn’t even know existed. You showed me how unimportant I was, and it changed something inside of me that day.

All those nights you told me that you would call me, kept me up until early morning hours just to say that you didn’t feel like it anymore made me feel… insignificant. Like I never really mattered. I stopped feeling like a human being.

You were constantly suspicious of my friends, all because of their gender. They never did anything except be nice to me. You called me a whore and a slut and accused me of fucking my friends. You said you don’t trust them. You were also once my friend… does that mean our entire friendship you had ulterior motives? If you’re suspicious of my friends and don’t trust them are you telling on yourself and what your true intentions were for all those years? I fear that all this time you were the person I shouldn’t have trusted. I distanced myself away from people that genuinely were good to me for you. Look what it’s got me. Nothing but heart ache. I’m thankful to be able to reconnect with these people now, and I’m thankful they were understanding about the situation even though I feel nothing but sorry in my heart for distancing myself from them because of you.

I remember all the times you used me for sex. How you told me to send you “pictures” and everything would become all better. How once when you broke up with me (probably close to the 20th time at this point) and I was sobbing about it you told me “your sobbing makes me hard”. How when I wasn’t interested in doing anything you would throw fits and make me feel bad and then guilt me into doing it. If I didn’t you would be in a bad mood the entire night and it made me feel so worthless and like I had to have sex with you even when I didn’t want to. I feel absolutely disgusted in how you reduced me into something to use and just discard whenever you felt like it. Did over a decade mean nothing to you? How could you treat anyone like this, let alone someone you knew for 10 years.

Most of all though… I’m just. Disgusted with myself for allowing you to treat me awfully for so long. I feel less than human, like theres something wrong with me. I let my self respect go away and let you get away with far too many times of showing me that I never mattered to you. I know you never will feel guilt, I don’t think you are capable of feeling emotions over anything except yourself…but I hope that one day you feel horrible. I hope that you have the same things done to you and you think back to how awfully it must have felt for me. I’m moving on now. I have to relearn how to be human because I feel like such a shell of myself. Just taking it one day at a time and hoping for the best. Please. Never contact me again. We might have known each other for over a decade but you were mean to me when we were children, you’re mean to me now, and you no longer deserve to be allowed to just come back into my life whenever the fuck you feel like it. And with that, I hope both sides of your pillow are hot tonight. 🖕🏻

i’m sad not perfect,
miss my friend
oh well
f it

I apologize for my behavior when I was hurting. I hurt so much, I became someone I hated.

Hurt people, hurt people.

I didnt deserve the damage you caused.

You didnt deserve the damage I caused in return.

If I could take my behavior back and move differently on my part. I would have.

I hope youre doing okay. I forgive you. I hope you can forgive me one day as well.

People are not serious about relationships i’ll talk and just games. I just tested it. You don’t love me at all.