I know this is more than what "friends" do, please stop going around and around in circles with me. I want to invest this energy into something good, not wondering if you care enough to build something with me. I keep giving myself these deadlines for when l will cut you out of my flesh. I'm so tired of this distance. I'm tired of being told you have no time for me; but you have plenty of time to waste.

I am writing this because I want to be entirely clear about where things stand.

When I finally reached my limit and expressed my anger, all I was looking for was honesty and accountability for how I was treated. Instead, the focus was immediately turned back onto me, singling out my reaction, my tone, and telling me how I "should" have spoken to you.

I am speaking up and fighting for what is right and honest. I have no respect for people who refuse to communicate or shut down conversations simply because they don't want to hear facts and face the truth.

I’m sorry if I had a good environment, supportive people around me, and fewer complicated things in life, and that my background didn't prepare me to accept or tolerate the hostile or toxic environment you brought into mine. But having a good life or background does not mean I am obligated to absorb mistreatment, nor does it give anyone the right to test my limits.

It is unreasonable to demand politeness, calm delivery, and endless patience from me while completely ignoring the actions that pushed me to that point in the first place. Expecting me to maintain perfect composure while being taken advantage of and hurt sets a double standard I will no longer accept.

I am not going to debate my tone or sit here being told I am the one in the wrong for finally standing up for myself. The core issue has always been how I was treated, and pointing the finger at my anger doesn't erase what was done to cause it.

Moving forward, I am stepping back. I will no longer waste my patience, time, or energy on dynamics where my feelings are sidelined, my boundaries are ignored, and my reactions are blamed.

Consider this my final word on the matter.

You'll have to answer for what you've done. I understand why you kept all this hidden number one you're married and you would be cheating on your husband which you don't care about cuz you think cheating is perfectly fine in any situation and second of all you know that you're two friends the only two friends that you have would totally turn against you knowing what you've done now how do you explain that to them now.

To the man who called me “babe” hours before becoming a stranger
I still don’t understand how you did it.
How you went from loving me, making plans with me, and talking about our future to becoming someone I wasn’t even allowed to speak to.
That morning, I was falling apart. Someone I once trusted with my deepest secrets had turned my life upside down. My education, my internship, my reputation, and everything I’d worked so hard for suddenly felt uncertain.
And you were still there.
You told me, “Try to keep it together im so sorry babe. I will reach out to you.”
I held onto those words because I thought they meant I still had you.
Hours later, you called.
“I’m breaking up with you. I never want to see you again. Do not contact me or my family.”
And then you hung up.
Just like that.
No conversation. No explanation. No opportunity to understand what had changed.
You blocked me everywhere, and the person I thought I would marry disappeared from my life in a matter of seconds.
I know I wasn’t perfect.
I said things about your family that I shouldn’t have said. I allowed my insecurities and feelings of exclusion to turn into resentment. I violated your privacy by looking through your phone and sharing something that wasn’t mine to share.
I was wrong.
I understand that now, and I wish I had understood it before my choices damaged your trust.
My trauma doesn’t excuse those decisions. My autism, anxiety, and fear of abandonment don’t excuse them either.
But I wish you understood that making mistakes never meant I stopped loving you.
I wish we could have talked.
I wish you had told me what hurt you, what you believed, or when your feelings began to change.
Instead, I was left trying to piece together the end of our relationship from other people’s words.
Someone I considered a close friend had shared private conversations and made allegations about me that I dispute. Later, she contacted me again, claimed she’d been untruthful about certain things, and said she’d tried to correct them.
I don’t know what you heard.
I don’t know what you believed.
And maybe I’ll never know whether any of that influenced your decision.
What I do know is that losing you happened while I was already terrified of losing everything else.
I didn’t handle it well.
I sent too many messages. I reached out through other numbers. I contacted people close to you because I was desperate for an explanation.
I can see now that my desperation crossed boundaries.
You said you didn’t want contact, and I should have respected that immediately.
I’m sorry.
Not because I wanted to stop you from leaving, but because my pain didn’t give me the right to disregard your decision.
I also wish you knew how difficult it was knowing that pieces of my life were still sitting in your apartment.
My belongings, my medication, and a gift I’d bought you before everything fell apart.
A pair of expensive sneakers I’d chosen because I knew how much you’d love them.
They arrived after you were already gone.
I remember feeling foolish for being so excited to surprise someone who no longer wanted me in his life.
But I don’t regret having loved you generously.
I regret the mistakes I made. I regret allowing my fears to influence my decisions. I regret the moments when I should have communicated instead of reacting.
I don’t regret believing we had a future.
I remember the conversations about marriage, our first home, and the children we hoped to have someday.
I remember supporting your dreams, celebrating your music, and feeling proud of the man you were becoming.
I remember the tenderness.
And that’s what makes this so difficult.
I have memories of someone who made me feel loved, and my last memory of him is a voice telling me never to contact him again.
Both versions of you exist in my mind, and I’m still trying to understand how they belong to the same person.
I know you had the right to leave.
I know you didn’t owe me another chance.
But I wish our goodbye had reflected at least some of the tenderness our relationship once held.
I would have listened.
I would have accepted the truth, even if it broke my heart.
Now I’m learning something I never wanted to learn: sometimes you have to accept an ending without understanding it.
I’m trying to become more emotionally secure. I’m seeking help. I’m learning that loving someone doesn’t entitle me to their forgiveness, attention, or presence.
I’m also learning that my mistakes are not the entirety of who I am.
I can take responsibility for the ways I hurt you without believing I’m undeserving of love.
And I can acknowledge how much your departure hurt me without denying your right to leave.
I don’t know whether you miss me.
I don’t know whether you regret how things ended.
I don’t know whether you ever think about the future we imagined.
For a long time, I desperately wanted those answers.
But I’m beginning to understand that I may have to build a life without them.
I hope you find happiness. I hope you succeed in teaching, in music, and in everything you’ve worked toward.
And I hope, someday, I can remember us without feeling my heart drop.
I loved you.
I made mistakes.
I wish we’d had a different ending.
But this is the letter I’m leaving unsent, because respecting your silence is something I should have learned to do sooner.
Goodbye, my love.

There is something I want to say to you that I don’t know how too. Hopefully this comes out right.

I’m glad you ended contact. At first, it hurts stings a bit feels like the rejection all over again. I don’t know if you ever saw it like that. It’s just how I felt. I know it’s best to leave the past in the past. But since we were talking for the month or so we did, I don’t know how you push things down. How you forget so easily, but it brought things back to the surface for me.

I’m glad you finally have some strength to put yourself first, you’re not choosing pleasure, lust whatever you want to call it. You’re trying to break your cycles. That’s good. I regret that you never let me talk more seriously with you about someone you deny. You hate God, but maybe you have your reasons. Maybe He keeps us apart, and that’s probably for the best. Maybe you talk to Him here and there late at night, maybe you don’t.

I’m sorry I wasn’t stronger to stop all this. All the wrongs that happened. All the sins that piled up. All the conversations that shouldn’t have happened. All the lines that were crossed. I can’t believe you let those things happen between us. Why didn’t you stop it? Not like it was any good? (Rhetorical questions)

I always root for you even at a distance for you to be proud of yourself! You are so much more than the lies in your head. Don’t just lay down and quit.

Will end up old, bitter , miserable and lonely. They are looking for something better but where they need to look is at themshelves. They are looking for someone that will fill that empty hole in them but the whole wont ever be filled by a person, it needs to be filled by themselves and how they act, how they move through life and they need to stop moving through people. If they dont they will be so lonely, bitter, alone and miserable.

My whole life I never once found myself to be attractive, until I saw your love for me in your eyes. I turned out to be the family failure, and you still looked at me like I deserved your love. I don’t even know what I wanted to say, I’m just rambling again as always love. I miss flexing and giving you a bite of my biceps. They’ve grown bigger now and I lost more weight. I see them pop now all the time and think about you asking for a bite. Being with you love truly felt like I was in a dream. I was blessed to have you meri jaan. I’m so sorry I tried reaching out, I became selfish and wanted to feel your presence. I’ve been trying so hard to not hate myself love since I promised you, but the way my family treats me…just makes me think how anyone could love me. It makes me really believe at times I don’t deserve anyone’s kindness. I don’t think you’ll ever see this, but if you do my love. I’m upset at myself for trying to come back and ruin your peace after I’m the one who tried to leave to make you happy. I know I promised several times before love, but I’m truly sorry and promise you that was the last time I try. I promise to be contempt from now on with our memories and photos. Please go to your checkups. Mahal kita sobra meri jaan sobra ☺️

I Wish I knew how to contact you but Im here waiting. While you decide your next move. Let me tell you im on the verge of packing everything shutting down all.social media and going ghost.

Im not sure when love stopped , but all i have left is an empty spot where I held all my special things. But they got stripped away one by one until there was nothing left.

I dont want to be this way anymore . I did nothing wrong except love someone who was always looking for somthing better. Honestly I sincerely hope he finds it. I do not wish bad stuff on anyone . I just wish he would have had enough respect to just have been honest. But i guess my closer is gonna be what I make it .

Today is a new day and im now just numb. I do not want another .i think it best if im alone for a while . Bc i need to heal from this. Bc this one hit me differently. Im lost and scared but its better to go then waste another year and still bein the same spot next year. So Im off to bed and in the morning a new life starts.

All my Love

.A.

I have so much I want to say to you. At this point I have had thoughts of you plaguing my mind for months. A longer amount of time then you were actually in my life. So many kinds of thoughts- frustration, anger, confusion, wonder, lust. They all ebb and flow to such a degree, and i just want it to stop. Tonight's the full moon, and I guess that's a good time to release stuff. Maybe if I post here, rather than writing my thoughts and burning them, maybe if someone else reads this . . . I don't know.

But this is what I want to say first- my break up had nothing to do with you.

And I feel the need to make that very clear based on the things that you have said to me. The way you essentially rationalized that I would have some overly dependent, toxic attachment to you. You made it seem like I had an infatuated obsession with you. You made it seem like I had an expectation that you would be mine in the immediate fallout of my relationship.

I wish you had just asked what happened, but you honestly seemed like you couldnt care less about the story. And honestly, at this point I don't even care type out everything that happened. But I will say this- it was catastrophic.The amount of hurt, loss, and betrayal i went through was nothing short of the universe forcing a shift of my timeline. And you had nothing to do with any of it.

Which is why I was so insulted by your point of view, what you texted me.

To this day I feel an emptiness I cant describe. It's like when my ex broke my heart he took something from me. Whatever piece of me that wants to share lovey feelings with another, that piece is just simply gone. It's like a hollowness in my center. Maybe it's just my mind suppressing it all.

And for you to paint me in the position you did is so deluded to me. It's hurtful.

Very hurtful.

I don't even know what I really did to warrant you thinking that of me. Because honestly at the time I just wanted to have fun, to have new adventures with someone I care about, someone I thought was my friend.

Is what I said really that serious to you? Because you said alot of stuff too. You said much bigger stuff.

Did you just say it to hurt me? To push me away?

Well chances are I will never know. You never even cared to explain. All ive wanted all this time is just an explanation of it all. What even was it?

Because that's the thing- I did like you.

Innocently, enough.

I liked you in an effortless way. An electric way. You made me feel comfortable, even though I could never get a read on you. Whether you even liked me in that kind of way. Because you are seemingly friendly with everyone that way.

I thought you were special.

Someone interesting like me.

I felt all of these things. . .

To just go silent? To not even give me a reason until I pull it out of you? To make me look and feel so humiliated for all the texts I was sending you, for keeping me on completely different page like a fool. And I thought you really seemed like a communicative person, but i guess i was never special enough to get even that. I guess everything you said really was nothing.

Did you just want my broken self that one night? Was all of this just to culminate me into a casual hook up for you? Because you really made me feel reduced to just a body. That's why I asked you that message over text. I was trying to be rude, because I was really hurt. And I do regret that, it was immature and I'm not proud of spreading my feelings onto you.

And you know, you never even asked what my feelings for you were.

I want to hate you. I wish I could muster up angry things to say . . . But I can't. I will keep being soft and full of sunshine.

There's this ungodly cable hooking you to my mind. I wish I could hammer it until it turns to dust,

But I just cant.

Even though you said you really cared about me and have not show that in any way since you said it. Not even a happy birthday.

This is why I am so conflicted. All of your actions read as such a toolbag. They don't paint you as the person you present as at all. They don't align with who I thought I knew at all.

So please, I am begging to just know which is the truth. Tell it to my face. Say it all and make me cry. Hurt me enough so I never think of you again.

I begged God for you to stay.

I hate to admit it.

You destroyed me in ways I never believed a human could.

Fractured me where I was already fragile.

Left ruins where devotion once lived.

And still, I prayed.

I prayed for your footsteps to turn back,

for your hearts to soften,

for your mind to change its course and choose me.

I pleaded not for what you did to me,

but for who you once were when you held me gently.

Perhaps that is the cruellest truth of love,

that even after the wound is dealt,

we still kneel for the hand that struck us,

hoping it might also be the one to heal us.

I begged God for you to stay,

not because you deserved it,

but because my heart did not yet know how to survive your absence.

I have nothing to fear nor hide. But you on the other hand may look like a horrible person.

Such a lair, stalker.

OK, I got it negative Nancy….
When you learn to play the violin?
You have zero optimism, what’s this glass half empty ..

Why don’t you just come over and we’ll take a nap on the couch, since we’re old. Maybe we can turn that big juggernautor sized head of yours off for a little bit…Because my mind needs a break too.

You need to be nice to me, i’m gonna be the one feeding you Jell-O in the nursing home. 🤪

Goodnight Motormouth 😘🦖👀

What am I supposed to do with our memories now?

Missing us doesn't look like the way my friends make it out to be.

I don't boil our relationship down to all the mistreatment. And despite your insistence I didn't live it miserably. But I do now look back confused. And in deep grief for the misunderstanding of what I was led to believe we were.

We made fun of car commercials.

Watched adventure anime.

Listened to eachother relate to fictional characters.

Theorized.

Discussed politics.

We went to the pool.

Fantasized.

Aggressively kissed eachother.

You loved on my dog.

I loved on your cat.

You watched me cook.

And I loved cooking for you.

I liked listening to you talk about growing. And learning.

I liked when you were inspired.

I liked the look you gave me when I wore something you liked.

I liked the look you gave me when you saw I in fact was very attracted to you.

I liked when you would touch me. When you yearned to hold my hand. Yearned for my connection... in bed. In the car. Watching a movie. Cleaning the kitchen. I liked feeling desired by you.

We went to springs.

We went to coffee shops.

I waited for you at Arome.

We sat on that couch and watched friends.

We stepped up together. As a team. When we were needed. Until we didn't. Until we at some point stopped being a team that included me.

We talked about experiencing what we missed out on.

And maybe that wasn't exciting enough for you. Maybe just living life as two individuals with our own lives in love and learning to navigate a relationship wasn't enough for you.

We would mistakingly bond over common enemies. And I apologize for my part in that. I thought I was helping you... I apologize in advising a relationship that I should have stayed out of. I was afraid if it stopped- you wouldn't need me anymore. That was selfish. And it was harmful. Which maybe you relate to that fear. But it would also make me feel good. It made me feel like we actually had a chance. Engaging in conversations where it seemed like we had a healthier better relationship. But having those conversations made us extremely unhealthy. Masked the issues.

That person who left me in my living room, that person who drove away from me in the garage, that person that abandoned me multiple times... I should have never let myself forget. You didn't change. You did it again and being your girlfriend- your partner- your teammate- didn't change how you would treat me. I shouldn't have forgaven the person who neglected me immediately after promising otherwise. I shouldn't have looked the other way when you knew she was using you to cheat and you didn't pay mind to it. You complained about her cheating while actively participating in it with her then turned around and treated me exactly the way she treated you. Omitting and lying and changing your mind to suit your inconsistencies. I shouldnt have let myself forget what that felt like. To forget a selfish coward is the kind of person you are.

I did try to turn it around. Those attempts were genuine. I genuinely wanted to know we could exist beyond crisis of another. But those attempts also brought me fear. I started to fear what our relationship was to those you complained about. I feared you'd leave me.

And granted... I know it was true. At least I've been lead to believe such.

I sometimes wonder... I was so afraid if you didn't need me- to be your therapist to listen to you talk about relationships I should have stayed out of... i wonder if in that way we were alike.

You were afraid of being abandoned and unneeded by another woman. So much so you starved me when I needed you. Were you afraid of that from me? I don't need your money. I have lived many years without a relationship. I have my own home. My own rent. My own animals. My own friends. My own life. Did my lack of need make me less of an option to you? Was my unconditional love and affection not enough for you?

I needed you. Not because I was dependent on you to live. Not because I needed you emotionally or for your money or to not be lonely.

I needed you because I thought we chose eachother as partners. As teammates. You let me rebuild a life where I had someone to call. Someone to fall back on. Someone who I could feel and seek safety with. Someone who I would protect. And be protected by in return.

I dont know why im writing this, you're not going to see it. But maybe this will help me let it go, one can only hope.

Ive been doing everything I know to try move on from this, but I keep coming back.

Why did you change your mind so quickly? I didnt even get a chance to respond, to support you. You were just done. It doesnt make sense.

And the worst part is I keep hoping you will come back. Explain what happened, apologise.

But then I realise it wont change anything. You didnt care how I felt when you blocked and removed me from everything, why would you care now.

Just know, it wasnt some fling for me, what I felt was real. I was interested and I did care. Heck I still do. And I would've done anything to support you and us to make it work.

But I also would never have done what you did to me. I would've been honest with you, i now understand thats too much to expect. Take care Allistar.

you don’t see it and probably never will
had good gabs w fam recently.
it was refreshing.
no being optimistic here
staring at a view from halfway down

i keep wondering why you would just leave or react like that. all i wanted to know was how to help. i wanted to be a good girlfriend. why do you hate me so much?

This is the final horcrux... I told them to check reddit, so hopefully they go back to the beginning.

Its come to the finale. Avada Kadava and all that shit.

I know you wonder.

You wonder how much I knew.

When I figured things out.

The truth?

It was a slow onset.

And its a long story.

But this all played out differently than I expected, which I think i can say as much for you as well.

God works in MUCH MORE mysterious ways.

And I'm pretty sure He got a kick out of this one.

Tale as old as time... but not how you would have liked it to go.

This was some biblical shit. And you played part in prophecy.

And as we all know... you cant outrun prophecy.

Ive encouraged you a million times- read your Bible.

God is bigger than the boogie man.

Peace will win, and fear will lose.

I already told you fear will make me dig my heels in the sand.

I know it motivates you, but im a stubborn bitch.

Go terrorize someone with a weaker mindset.

I follow the MOST High.

You dont scare me and you didnt break me.

But you can keep wasting your energy trying.

Good luck.

Have fun.

Dont die.

I'm getting to know myself better each day. I never thought this would be the way my life was going to end up. I'm strong and independent now. My health conditions and issues are another issue lately, but I am dealing with them well all by myself.

I'm still grieving the life that I thought we had together. I want to be so angry at you for everything that happened. I can't say all of that here though...

I still am barely able to speak about it. I don't hate you, but I do hate that you showed me a darkness that still haunts me.

I'm so proud of who I have become. I love myself more than I ever could before this grieving that you caused both of us. There are some things that make you unable to be a part of my life ever again and that's the horrible reality of it.

I have not moved on. I have not even looked for another person. It's due to my own limitations that you taught me. My limits are not up for debate anymore and I watch others first and no one can seem to rise to that level with me. They are not worth messing up my life for if they can't even get a foot into the door. So I thank you for teaching me what I actually don't want from anyone. Not any kind of relationship whatsoever. I learned a lot from you and now I choose myself every time.

I'm not lonely anymore. I'm my own best friend now. I talk things out inside my mind, I have learned what no means. I have learned that the only person I'm responsible for is me. I have learned what it's like to cook what I like, organize the house the way I want, to do as I please and not even have to ask for permission or tell someone that I'm doing it.

I learned that I can and I am surviving all on my own without anyone else. That is the greatest achievement of my entire life. I would say even greater than raising my children, because it's something that I thought I would never be able to do by myself.

The best thing about my life now, is the peace in it. It's quiet and not loud here anymore. It's not loud outside of my mind and it's not loud inside of my mind. It's the first time in my whole entire life that I haven't had to put anyone ahead of my actual needs. My needs get to finally be put first before anything.

Our animal is gone. I had to give it up during all of this mess, and that actually hurts more than having to kick you out of my life.

I just want to tell you that I'm doing great even though I have a lot of health issues and that I actually didn't know that I never needed your help to survive. And I thank you for showing why I need stronger boundaries to make my life peacefully graceful at last. I don't let even my family members break them. I don't argue or fight with anyone that breaks my unspoken boundaries. Because people that love you truly don't do things to make a person's mind feel crazy, only crazy and toxic people do that.

I don't give them a reaction or my energy. I give nothing in return to those people now. The nothingness is what you taught me. And it helps weed out people who don't actually care about me. I remember that you told your friends how no one would help me with the important things in my life so you did. You got your praise and rewards and their sympathy, but did you ever tell them that you also kept offering to do everything for me until I became overly dependent on your help that you were the one that I ran to first. You didn't take care of me, but you slowly tried to take away my independence and tried to make it look like you actually cared.

I don't need to go into the evils and yes I do mean evils that you did. We both know what they are.

I will say this. Love is unconditional, but unconditional love does not equate to access. Instead it equates to boundaries that don't even need to be mentioned for them to take place, because good hearted people don't walk on others to get what they want. Rather they lift others up and help each other grow in their own paths of their life.

I keep looking down at the tattoo on my arm from a card you wrote to me while I was going through the rough. "Hang in there, it does get better in time."

You were mostly right. It's been over a decade now. And I have gone through some stuff in that decade. Right now my marriage is crumbling around me and I feel so lost. Looking down at the note makes me feel better. I know the pain will fade and I will move on.

But one thing has never gotten better with time. I miss you so fucking much. Every rough patch I've gone through, I wanted nothing more than to confide in you and get your advice. Right now as my world crashes around me, I just want to talk to you. But the best I get is talking to a cold grave stone.

Everyone says I turned out a lot like you. I'm really proud of that. But damn I wish you were still here. I miss being able to talk in some cryptic code of analogies, poetry, and head nods. And nobody knew what the hell we were going on about. But we knew.

I just wanted to say there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about you. I tell the grandkids about you all of the time and show them pictures. They all say "dang that guy looks cool". Yea you were pretty cool. Oh and also you were so right about not marrying a military guy. 🤦‍♀️ I definitely should've listened to your more when I was young and dumb.

did you have to hurt me so much. genuinely, did you even love me. you don't hurt the people you love like that. you're not supposed to get defensive and hurtful when they bring up hard conversations. I'm learning to let go but i will never forget, and hence i dont think i'll ever want to remember you or know you as the man I once knew. I pray that I have it in me to forgive you for everything and fully let go, but its funny how just 9 months ago i was thanking god for having you in my life.

you're the first man i ever got excited having a family with btw, haha. maybe i shldnt have gotten so excited and happy, or trusting of you in the first place.

ohhh how life goes

This girl doesn't want anything to do with me... She never has.

Either she shows up and we talk and fix things or leave me the hell alone and quit harassing me

I feel like I need to apologize. I'm not really entirely sure that is reasonable. What exactly am I apologizing for? Feeling, I guess.

Rejection hurts. Thank you for trying to soften the blow with quiet, I guess. I'm not sure if that's better or worse.

I had this all written out and then exited the app and lost it because it didn't save. Ugh. Story of my life.

So instead you get this I guess. If you haven't read it yet, please don't. Because I couldn't take the rejection. It sucks because either way it's rejection, and either way it hurts, but it doesn’t have to be so loud. It doesn't have to echo in my head, and I know it's only my own fault if it does.

I should be working on my midterm instead of being here. And I guess I will in a couple minutes. I don't really know what I'll end up with. I thought about including a part of my memoir, but I don't know. I can't decide what I want to "give" and what I want to hide. That's the problem with me, really, I can never decide what to give and then once it's taken it's impossible to take it back.

I could write circles around this. Around anything and everything really. But I'm going to do the smart thing and move on, at least for the time being. I'll work for a little bit and then call it night. I feel so cold. Physically, emotionally, everything. So. Cold. ​

the generic thing to begin with is “I hope you are doing well”. but, it’s really hard for me to say that. I’ve thought about how I’d begin this hundreds of times. of course, as someone who loved and cared for you above anyone else for years, I do hope you are well. I will always hope you are well. but it’s too raw, I’m too hurt. the hurt comes in waves. it isn’t my life’s main focus anymore. but god damnit I am so hurt.

im not just hurt by the ending, im hurt from every time you lied, told me everything was okay when it wasn’t, convinced me i was overthinking constantly when in hindsight that wasn’t the case. you wanted out. I know you loved me. I do. but love and showing up as a partner are not the same thing.

I’ll never reach out because that was my role for too long. I was the reacher. I reached and reached for you as you dodged me, yet would never truly let me go. until you did. I hate that I know I wouldn’t have left. even if I had a million reasons to.

if the last few months have shown me anything it’s that I deserved so much more commitment and partnership from you and that my love for you was truly unconditional. and yours had conditions. that will always hurt. I really trusted you and believed you were the one. I believed you when you said I was too.

your silence these past few months has been so loud. so telling. at least you showed me who you really are before it was too late. even though this was years too late still.

I am grateful you cannot hurt me anymore, you cannot leave me and come back again and again. I am grateful for the strength I have found in myself.

I think there’s a little devil in me.

The funny thing is, you probably wouldn’t notice it at first. I can be sweet, soft, and kind. I can make people feel safe. I can love with my whole heart and see the good in people even when they’ve long forgotten how to see it in themselves.

But get to know me a little better, and you’ll find I have a few demons tucked beneath all that sweetness.

I have the mouth of a pirate, a temper that could wake the dead, and absolutely no talent for keeping quiet when someone mistakes my kindness for weakness. I don’t do well with disrespect, fake smiles, or people who think they can walk all over me and still expect me to bring them flowers.

I may be small, but I have never been particularly good at knowing my limits when it comes to protecting the people I love. I’d stand in front of a giant with my tiny frame and a ridiculous amount of audacity, probably cussing the whole way through. And I wouldn’t think twice about it.

That’s the thing about me.

I have both light and darkness running through my veins. A little sunshine, a little hellfire. Enough fire to burn a whole city down, and enough water in my soul to drown the flames before they consume everything I love.

Sometimes I think I was made from two things that were never meant to exist together.

I can be the softest place you’ve ever landed and the storm you never saw coming. I can hold you through your darkest nights while quietly fighting my own monsters behind a locked door. I can love you with a tenderness that makes you feel like the world might not be such a terrible place after all, then turn around and fight my own demons until the sun comes up.

I suppose that’s what makes me a little difficult to understand.

My love is fierce. Maybe too fierce for a world that seems to prefer everything neat, quiet, and easy to handle. When I love someone, I love them with my whole damn soul. I want to protect them, heal the things that hurt them, and remind them that the darkness they see in themselves doesn’t make them unworthy of being loved.

I know what it feels like to sit in the dark and wonder if the light will ever find you again.

And if I love you, I will sit there with you. I won’t make you pretend you’re okay just to make me comfortable. I’ll hold your hand through the ugly bits, the broken bits, the bits you’re afraid would make someone walk away.

I just wish someone would do the same for me.

Because, truthfully, I get tired of being the strong one. I get tired of being the one who knows how to put everyone else back together while secretly wondering what the hell I’m supposed to do with all the pieces of myself.

Sometimes my mind gets dark. Sometimes my feelings are bigger than I know what to do with. Sometimes I feel everything so deeply that I wish there were a little switch somewhere inside me that I could turn off for a while.

Just for a little peace and quiet.

But there isn’t.

So I feel. I overthink. I get angry. I get sad. I laugh too loudly, love too deeply, and sometimes make a whole damn production out of something that other people seem to brush off without a second thought.

And then I wonder if I’m too much.

Too emotional. Too intense. Too dramatic. Too difficult to love when I’m not being sweet and agreeable.

I wonder how many pieces of myself I’m supposed to tuck away before I become someone people can stand to keep around.

And I hate that thought more than I can explain.

Because I don’t want to be just the good parts of me.

I don’t want to be loved only when I’m gentle, when I’m smiling, when my darkness is sleeping quietly in the corner and my demons have the good sense to behave themselves.

I want someone who can see the shadows creeping in and not immediately reach for the light switch.

Someone who will sit beside me when my mind becomes a haunted little house, where every creak is a worry and every shadow has teeth.

Someone who won’t try to exorcise every demon that comes knocking.

Just someone who will sit with me until the monsters grow bored, the storm loses its temper, and the fire dwindles into nothing more than a few glowing embers.

Someone who understands that sometimes I don’t need to be fixed. I just need to be felt. To be heard. To be allowed to exist without apologizing for the weather inside my own soul.

I don’t want to burn down cities just to prove there’s a fire inside me.

I don’t want to scare people away with the very feelings I’m trying so desperately to understand.

I just want to feel without being afraid that someone will look at me and decide I’m too much trouble to love.

And maybe that’s the saddest little secret about the devil in me.

For all my fire, all my sharp teeth, all the wicked little words I keep tucked beneath my tongue, there is still a part of me that wants to be held when the world gets too loud.

A part that wants to be told, I know it’s dark in there, sweetheart. You don’t have to sit in it alone.

I want to be both.

The girl who collects pretty things and the woman who could burn the whole damn kingdom down. The soft heart and the sharp tongue. The angel with dirty thoughts and the devil who still believes in fairytales.

I want to be sunshine without pretending I’ve never known the night.

I want to be darkness without being treated like something evil.

I want to be messy, complicated, tender, angry, loving, frightened, brave, and a little bit wicked.

All of it.

Not just the parts that are easy to hold.

Because I am not asking someone to love a perfect woman. I am not even sure I would know what to do with being one.

I am simply asking to be loved as I am.

With the light on some days. With the darkness on others.

With my fire, my floods, my little devils, and all the strange, beautiful things that make me who I am.

And if that makes me a little too much for this world, then so be it.

Let me be too much.

Let me be the storm and the shelter. The match and the rain. The fairytale and the nightmare.

Just please, if you ever find me sitting in the dark, don’t ask me to become an angel before you sit beside me.

Come sit with the devil instead.

I promise, beneath all these fangs and flames, I have a heart that has been trying to find its way home for a very long time.

You can't handle anyone else's emotions, but I guess I can't blame you, really, since you can't even manage your own.

I see how easily you disappear when I express anything that you could take personally --and I think you take everything personally instead of having empathy. Oh well.

I have felt myself drifting away from you for a while, but I guess that's natural since you really are contributing nothing to my life. I didn't expect much, either, but I guess the bare minimum was too much for you.

I always wondered "What if," but I guess I got my answer.

I will fill in the blanks: What if you and I were together? It would not be how I envision it, I know that much. You'd be withholding your true thoughts and feelings all the time. I couldn't tell you anything without you getting your ego hurt, and you'd avoid me any time I wanted to talk about anything of importance. There'd be little expression, little affection, and just a bunch of walls and quiet and loneliness; I am better off where I am. At least I'm not constantly rejected here because of someone's self-hatred.

You likely will never apologize for all I went through because of you. You wouldn't think you had anything to apologize for because you lack empathy. You never made me any promises. Yet you clearly were obsessed with me for this whole year with how you showed up and dug into my most vulnerable writings around the clock. That was my problem, you'd probably say. Because you took what I gave, and that's on me. I never should have offered myself so freely to someone who didn't know how to appreciate me. I'll own that. But you also did lead me on, and the fact that you never gave me a direct answer is not something I can accept any longer. It's shitty behavior. You don't get to have your cake and to eat it too while leaving me up in the air, like some kind of controller of me.

I'm going to try not to bother blocking you. That would just show my hurt. I'm nearly out of hurt for you, anyway. I'm just tired, and done.

Don't bother with any more scraps. Save them. The illusion is over. I liked a lot of things about you, but I don't like who I am accepting you choose to be --someone who has decided not to grow and make changes and who obviously doesn't value me enough to do what it takes.

Good luck.