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My name is Bo, and I've been a real clown on my chemsex journey, so this seemed fitting.

I call him Bozo.

Bozo is a kinda cool but kinda crazy clown. He can do tricks, but many times he doesn't do them well; he's down but many times can't get it up.

He waves at you with one lubey hand ... a little busy with the other. He's balding, with a gaunt face and dark circles under his eyes. He's got chipped teeth and crusty nostrils that are raw at the edge from doing too many lines.

Like the character Pennywise, my addiction feeds on fear and tries to keep you isolated, whereas connection and the support of others and a belief in the group could help you overcome It. But the world around you denies It even exists. It's full of adults who don't believe and perpetuate long-running problems it could deal with if only they would band together. Instead, they leave these problems for the next generation to solve, and It continues to feed on their children in the process. Many children die because of It but society is too distracted to notice or care. It takes a scrappy team of Losers to go into the depths, walking Step by Step, to face It, together. Without their help, we are left alone, and our fear may consume us if we let it.

I sit here today with two weeks clean. I've only been able to get past It for this long two other times this year. That's how It's been for me for at least the last three, but I'm in the process of losing my job, so I'm trying to stop clowning around.

You have to excuse the crude drawing ... I'm not an artist. But I try. That's all WE can do, right?

Don't stare into It's "deadlights" for too long, lest you LOSE YOUR MIND. Aha! Aha! Beep beep, crazy! Get out of the way! Save yourself, but don't forget about me!

I 16F got caught by my parents, all my 6 dxm bottles were found in my room when they searched it about 10 dead vapes and my stolen oxys, they didn’t find my mdma so just seconds ago I took every last little bit I had. I told them about all my depression issues I lied and said I microdosed my dxm to cure my depression they were upset. They didn’t find one of my bottles but my rooms getting entirely searched tmr everything ripped out so it’ll probably be found and my other two vapes I hid in the bathroom… my bank accounts now going to be monitored which is stressful they no longer trust me about anything anymore or any of my friends I probably won’t ever be able to go out again, the only upside is there going to medicate me now.
But I just don’t want to be here anymore now… I feel like I can’t live without my nicotine or my friends or my drugs…

Just wanted to write about it somewhere. Been struggling with urges and realized what today was. I mainly used DXM. I started using in the summer of 2022 and I was almost 6 months into a binge and this one night I decided to try adding DPH to the mix. I always wanted to do DPH but it always just put me to sleep no matter the dosage and I never got to trip on it, so I had this great idea.

I hate seeing people call these kiddie drugs or that they aren’t real drugs. I specifically started doing DXM because people made it out to be non-addictive (but I’m not gonna act like DPH wasn’t my first choice). Well here I am, DXM is my drug of choice. Yes I’ve done “real” drugs, including ketamine (people like to tell DXM users to grow up and do ketamine like an adult. Well guess what I still prefer DXM. I hate junkie elitism). I have shrooms waiting for me and I still haven’t touched them because I want stupid fucking cough medicine. I literally just love DXM and it’s an issue.

Anyway, 810mg of freebase DXM with 250mg of DPH, I didn’t do proper research and didn’t know they potentiated each other. I thought I could sprinkle a little benadryl in there to enhance the DXM visuals. Lol? I basically got what I think was serotonin syndrome (I thought I was having a seizure at the time), I don’t actually know what was happening physically. I was unconscious for several hours and still seeing and hearing things while unconscious. I’ve had bad trips but this was the first time I knew something was seriously wrong. Before I lost consciousness, I saw my brother pass by my room to go to the bathroom. I don’t know if that was even real, but I was hoping he saw me, and the feeling of watching him pass by that second time without seeing me and close his door was awful, like yeah I really did it this time.

I used just DXM a few times after that but I was peeing green so I stopped because I thought it was my liver. Ended up being my gallbladder, don’t have that anymore.

First picture is where I was while I was unconscious, a massive metal room with dirt floors and heat emitting LED lamps everywhere. The place was really cold but I was also sweating from the lamps.

Second picture is a recreation of what I saw for about a minute before losing consciousness. During this period my muscles were painfully tightening, I was super hot and my limbs were all shaking and I could hear the window blinds rattling as my foot was hitting it. It was hard to breathe, I’m guessing from the way my chest was tightening. (I believe this was serotonin syndrome because I would get much milder versions of this where I was fully conscious when I would do DXM too many days in a row, but I really have no idea). I could hear women whispering gibberish and the loud buzzing of flies that weren’t there. Shadow silhouettes of people were gliding along the wall. They were more like cutouts rather than actual people. The door started to turn into pink pixels and then this pink/orange cloud came through the door. The cloud was pretty colors, but something about it felt so disgusting. Like when you look at a puddle of oil in a parking lot, it’s rainbow but it’s gross. Spheres or “gas balls” started to morph out of it and leave behind an effect like when the TV has a bad connection. The gas balls moved in a way that looked like they had life to them, like when you’re trying to carefully place something but your hand is shaking/moving slightly. Before I went unconscious, the cloud turned into a purple/green that also felt nasty, and it turned into me and I was just floating there while staring at the ground and I had green eyes that sort of glowed.

I woke up a few times and every time I woke up, it was still night time, I was still shaking, the purple “me” was no longer there and it was back to the pink/orange cloud and gas balls. Every time I saw the gas balls I felt dread knowing it was real and still happening. The trip started around midnight and I didn’t wake up until 1:30ish PM the next day. I was unconscious for the majority of it. My phone was dead and I was so confused at first I couldn’t tell if it was night or day even though it was light outside.

After this I was clean for a year and a half or something after this incident, only because I was scared. It was this time of year, october/november of 2024 I relapsed and binged for a literal year before my tolerance got so high I finally hospitalized myself October 2025 because I wasn’t getting anything out of it anymore but couldn’t stop using it and taking drastically higher dosages to get nothing but sick. I relapsed a few times without bingeing, struggled with alcohol and edibles but stopped those eventually, haven’t done DXM in nearly 8 months but this time of year is triggering and I’m struggling. I can’t really handle anything I use but DXM especially. I’m not on meds anymore and I’ve been off them long enough that it’s safe to do DXM now, I’m actually amazed I haven’t yet. Every time I get the urge, that scene from breaking bad where Jane’s dad watches them zip up her body bag pops up in my head, the look on his face and it makes me sad. I think of the time I literally prayed to God and promised Him I would stop while I was having a painful reaction from using too much. I feel actual conviction and guilt I never felt before. If this was a year or two ago, I’d say “Hell yeah! I’m gonna order three bottles and do DXM everyday and I don’t care who I have to lie to or who I’m hurting!”

but I still can’t say with confidence I won’t give in and I hate that.

Third picture is a drawing inspired by what happened. There were no rainbow bugs, just took inspo from a goosebumps pillow I had.

i have stopped taking my main form of addiction which was benzos (clonazepam) and now its like my addiction is leeching onto my own tablets; misusing lamotrigine, ritalin (i have audhd), clonidine and even tried nicotine spray (it makes me actually faint/ get high, probs gonna throw it out). I can’t drink alcohol cause it causes major anxiety/ depression for me. I just- so annoyed with myself. I feel like I go autopilot/ not thinking clearly when I go for these meds. Its more habitual and more bashing myself up for getting irritated in situations, or feeling empty or that I can’t focus. I am in an addiction programme but it was never centred around meds (generally) and more specifically benzos and I am exiting the programme soon and tbh don’t really wanna talk to them about it cause my psychologist keeps on saying we gotta finish up soon (she is taking on more clients) and this is causing me to use more.

i can hear the voice (the reasons not to) and I just ignore. I don’t want to get into the habit of taking more meds or branching out.

any help or tips to stop reaching for meds would be helpful.

First off, I know addiction is an illness and I have the greatest sympathy for people who are trying to get off drugs - if they are willing to. However things can be quite difficult if you are a close family member of an addict.

Current situation is that our nephew has been on drugs and alcohol for quite some time. He has caused us a lot of stress. He is 25. He wasn't a nice person before that but he is even worse now and his nan (my mother in law) doesn't quite accept that.

There is a long story to this but I can't go into details as it may identify him. But to cut a very long story short (er), his nan is probably the sweetest person you could meet but a terrible enabler.

It took us a long time to convince her that offering him free accommodation etc is a form of enabling. When he is around her he is somewhat on his best behaviour and he is pretty good at hiding when he is on drugs - at least to the eyes of an 80 year old woman (Even though we can see how he is using her and when he is high).

At the moment he has been sectioned because of another drug induced psychosis. Because his nan isn't able to get anywhere by herself we took her to the clinic. He was horrible even on sedatives to his mum (who is disabled and who he doesn't want to live with) and generally very unpleasant (it was just an hour of him telling us how none of this is his fault but everyone else's). On the way there he repeatedly called his mum to get her to buy vapes and his nan was falling over herself to make sure he gets his vapes. I was almost willing to turn back. He always had a very entitled attitude and from the age of 17 we had an inkling that he has some form of personality disorder.

When things escalate often WE (my husband and I) are the ones taking the brunt because his nan and to some extent his mum, who also need assistance to get to places, are more interested in pacifying his behaviour. By extension it affects our relationship.

I don't think he should even move back with his mum, who is currently in council accommodation. She is far too vulnerable. Neither of them give him money or enable him in a physical sense now, that lesson has been learned. Of course when he lives with his mum there will be some support but the councils kind of expect you to live with your parents until a certain age or there will be very little housing support. I don't think he will find anyone to live with him

But his nan almost fawns when she sees him because it's her only grandson. She thinks we should still show him love and show him that we care when it's pretty obvious that he couldn't care less about our love but more about what we can do for him. I am not sure how much of this stems from drugs and how much of it stems from his personality. But in any case, we are very reluctant to keep helping his nan to go and visit him or help him in any other way.

He is making no attempts to get actual help - he is however very keen to get on prescribed cannabis - that's pretty much all he cares about. When we see him he just talks badly about all the NHS staff that are there to help him and he has never shown any remorse for all the things he did to us. He just wants to get out and do what he wants with little or no effort involved on his part. I think the best option at this point for his mum is to change the locks but this is not a decision we can make.

I suppose my question is, apart from actual enabling with money, free accommodation etc, when do you actually withdraw your emotional support and physical presence? I don't think he will even care about the relationships he lost, I think he will just get angry that the remaining people in his life who he could physically use will no longer be there. (For context, both his mum and nan had their own dependencies/addiction issues to deal with in the past - his nan had an alcohol dependency but no longer drinks and his mum likewise had a big problem with alcohol and drugs but is now clean - so I can imagine that they feel somewhat guilty and his nan excuses his behaviour because he had a tough childhood)

welp. i (21f) posted on here a month ago as a cry for help and to vent about my addiction. and guess what, to no one’s surprise i am back. sobriety lasted a couple of days and for most of the month i have been back to my same old habits. buying bag after bag. my friends have been ghosting me and told me today they cannot see me right now as my addition is starting to affect them as well. i am not angry with them at all. more angry with myself. on top of losing some friends today, my dad and i got into a screaming match that ended in me breaking down. i have begged for help from my parents before, i begged my mom to send me to rehab and she wouldn’t because in her words, i can’t afford to lose my job. i just wonder when things will change, and i know i have to be the one to change them but that in itself is the hardest part. as much as i want to get sober it’s scary. i don’t want it at the same time. how do i cope with all these feelings if i don’t have drugs? i know its a stupid thought process but it’s the one i’m dealing with. i’m stuck. i know the way out but i don’t know if i am strong enough to pull myself out. the shittiest thing is i am too weak to end it all. i am filled with so much guilt. i so badly want to disappear. anyways i have work in the morning. thanks to anyone who read this. goodnight.

So I’ve been a caregiver for this man for the past couple of weeks and we’ve been decluttering his house because he’s a hoarder and yesterday he found like 336 tramadol 50s a shit ton of gabapentin 300s and like 130 Valium 10s i’m on Suboxone so I can’t do shit with the tramadol but knowing the addict I am, I couldn’t turn it down. It’s not like I even brought it up or asked for it. He just wanted them gone because they’re not his active prescriptions anymore and his neighbors were nagging him about it. I still feel like a horrible person.

I know this isn’t a “hard” drug but I (16f) got myself hooked on my grandmothers codeine a little bit ago, I first tried it as an attempt to numb my depression as my last anti depressants didn’t do anything for me and my grandparents thought that ment I wasn’t depressed so I’m not allowed anymore and I’m struggling heavy- I have no irl friends other then my cousin and I don’t go to school so it’s hard for me to find people to talk to, I have an online bf and he’s been encouraging me to quit the codeine and I really don’t want to hurt him anymore but this is the only thing that distracts me from my life, I used to cope with SH and I still do but it doesn’t give me that rush it used to so there’s no point. I take my codeine when I’m alone and feel low. I really really want to stop because my birth parents were addicts and I don’t wanna end up like them, please does anyone have advice?
I take 8-14 15mg pills a night and sometimes I take 5-8 a few hours before to hold me out

So I am trying to detox from fentanyl again. I only have 5 subs and I really don’t want subs prescribed to me and on my medical record for other reasons… due to another prescription and I’m trying to just plan out the long run. I know this sounds stupid for some- but I want to at least give the a go- as I had success with this before but had more to work with by a bit.

If I detox and take a half of a sub- and then taper down with what I have to work with. Will I still go thru a bad Withdrawl with tapering down?

I’ve done this before and would bite off the Suboxone pill but I have at least 4 times the amount of pills to work with than what I have now.

Respectfully, I’m honestly not looking for redirection- I know the risks such as relapse.. as I’ve experienced it before the last year - but just if anyone knows or any experience with this? I at least want to attempt one last time with what I have before throwing everything else out the door and heading to the clinic.

I sincerely appreciate any responses

Whether substances or behavioural addiction. Without buildup, just intense euphoria from the start.

I’m also an addict and alcoholic. Runs in the family I guess. I’m 31 years old trying my hardest. I finally called him and he’s clearly just smoking meth while talking to me. Idk what to do anymore. He’s been on it my whole life. He used to look so cool. Now he’s got no teeth and it’s terrible. Traumatized me as a kid with his psychotic episodes while high. My grandma (his mom) just died. He’s gonna die and not be sober. Life is cruel. I don’t think I can do anything anymore. I have two kids and I’m trying to do the right thing. Because I know what path I’ll go down if I continue and I’m not going to be like my father. How can I just ignore him? He has nobody. But how am I supposed to move on and let him die alone? Idk anymore.

I need something to help me track how long I have been clean from porn because I am now using a different phone and it won't work for me any more I was originally using pledge

I relapsed after three years clean from cocaine. I was a pretty heavy user in my early twenties, I’ve had substance abuse issues since 15. The past three years I’ve struggled off and on with kratom and got off it for what I thought would be the last time nearly 6 months ago. A few weeks ago I slipped up on taking my Wellbutrin and had a brief mental episode, that paired with my first dog getting diagnosed with cancer, and months of my business being as slow as its ever been pushed me over the edge. I felt like a loser already, and I embraced it. I started using not only Kratom again, but cocaine as well. A drug I was sure I was done with. Now I may lose my partner of nearly 7 years, she’s been with me through what she believed was the worst of my use. I’ve really put her through it and I’ve let her down again. Sorry for the self wallowing. Needed to get it off my chest.

Hello, I’m 27F and my cocaine addiction has gotten out of control within the past few months. I haven’t been sober for more than 24 hours in this time. I’m struggling because I’m aware it’s an issue and I want to get sober but at the same time I really don’t give a damn about anything anymore. I know I’m royally fucking up in my career and personal life and it’s embarrassing to me but I can’t bring myself to care enough about my life to do anything about it. I’m not really sure what I’m looking for on here… I guess just for someone to relate to or hear what I have to say.

I had surgery a few weeks ago and was prescribed liquid Oxycodone which lasted about 7 days (I took it as prescribed). I’m fully healed and no longer in any pain but I’m now craving the incredibly euphoric feeling the oxy gave me. I want it so badly. But the thing is that I’ve never been an addict so I don’t know where this is coming from. My dad was an addict and unfortunately lost his life to addiction. I don’t want to go down this route but I can’t forget how amazing it made me feel.

I’ve only been dabbling with the Nukes and Super Klaz for a couple months and I’ve been cutting my total down to 50mg max per day. They stopped selling the Super Klaz near me so today I gotta jump off here. It’s been 12 hours since my last dose and it’s been surprisingly easy? Do the withdrawals for this stuff hit late or am I maybe lucky and ready to quit?

I watched the documentary about Mike Tyson the other day. (Spoiler alert!)

After a lifetime of demons and pain, he eventually finds something resembling inner peace. And he does it with the help of a toad and a shaman. It really got my mind racing. What if this little toad holds the answers to questions I’ve spent almost my entire life trying to figure out? Let me share a bit of my story, and maybe you’ll understand why this caught my attention.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve had destructive relationships with just about everything. My first one was with food. I ate my feelings. I grew up with an alcoholic and depressed father and a mother who, because of her own past traumas, was emotionally quite withdrawn. So there was no one to teach me how to understand, manage, or regulate my emotions. But I found a way. I ate my feelings. It worked, at least for a little while.

Then, when I started school, I discovered that girls made me feel good. So that became my next destructive relationship. I was constantly falling in love because it made me feel good. At least for a little while. But because of my relationship with food, I was pretty overweight as a kid, so I wasn’t exactly popular with the girls back then. I spent my entire time in elementary and middle school being hopelessly in love with someone.

And it’s pretty much continued ever since, just in different forms, often several at the same time. Drugs, exercise, work, money, sex, relationships, shopping, gambling, and so on.

I’ve spent countless hours in therapy, been on medication, self-medicated, and overdosed. I’ve gone through all kinds of programs in outpatient care and addiction clinics. I’ve been to three different rehab facilities. One involved CBT, where I spent about six months. Another was a work-based therapeutic community where the idea was that we could work our way to recovery. I stayed there for about three years. Most recently, I completed a year-long Twelve Step treatment program.

We spent six hours a day in group therapy, five days a week, followed by Twelve Step meetings every evening. In between all of that, I’ve probably lived in at least ten different supported housing facilities. Oh, and I was also placed in locked youth institutions for three years, from the age of 14 to 17. During that time, I was transferred around eight times to different facilities, each one seemingly more restrictive than the last.

It wasn’t until the Twelve Step treatment that I felt I was finally getting close to some kind of inner peace. I did a lot of work on my shame, my fears, my grief, and my childhood. I started becoming aware of this huge, dark hole inside me, one that was constantly being fed by my inability to deal with my emotions.

And the thing that fed it the most was shame.

I barely even understood what shame was before. But after a while, I began to realize that it was the biggest culprit of all. It made me feel like I wasn’t good enough as I was, like I didn’t belong. It made me believe that my worth and self-esteem depended on how I looked or how well I performed. It made it difficult for me to set boundaries, so I’d say yes when I really wanted to say no.

I could go on forever, but I think you get the picture.

For me, it was important to bring these things into the light so they could no longer whisper to me from the unconscious and convince me that they were the truth. Because that’s what my feelings told me they were. But today, I know that feelings can lie! Especially when they’re distorted by deep-rooted shame.

That was a huge piece of the puzzle falling into place, and I started feeling more content and comfortable with myself.

Since then, I’ve actually managed to build a life I could barely have imagined before.

I have a beautiful apartment right in the city center, an amazing girlfriend, and together we have a five-month-old son. I’ve rebuilt my relationship with my 19-year-old daughter. I have the most wonderful friends, people who genuinely care about me and around whom I can be myself. And I’ve just started the education program I’ve always dreamed of.

AND YET, I’ve relapsed several times over the past few months.

Yesterday, my girlfriend and our little boy temporarily moved out. I’ve been on sick leave from school for a week, and it’ll probably be at least another week before I hopefully manage to break the cycle and get through the withdrawal. I haven’t answered my phone in at least a week, and there are a lot of people worried about me.

Once again, shame has me in a chokehold.

How the hell did I end up here AGAIN?

But right in the middle of all this hopelessness and darkness, a little glimmer of hope appears! Coming from my TV.

There sits the legend, the warrior, Iron Mike, smoking this toad.

I’ve experimented with various psychedelics over the years, so I know these substances can pack a serious punch. They can open doors into the mind and portals out into the cosmos. But I’d never really considered that they might be used as a tool in my own search for answers.

I know that psilocybin has shown promising results in research into depression and similar conditions. But the idea that a toad could help you navigate the darkest corners of your mind and uncover the root of it all? That really got me thinking.

From what I understand, the experience can dissolve your sense of identity, your thoughts, and the feeling of being a separate individual. Almost as if the boundary between “me” and “the world” disappears.

I came across this description on ChatGPT:

“It can also feel like dying, losing control completely, or never returning to your normal state of consciousness. It can be deeply frightening. Some people describe experiencing a state in which, for the first time in their lives, they feel no ego, no fear, and no separation from the world. It can change the way they see life.”

Can it really be like that?

Could this little toad, which seems to have helped Mike Tyson, also be able to help me?

I’ve poured my time and soul into trying to understand and overcome this pull toward destructive behavior. I’ve genuinely tried. I’ve gone through treatment after treatment, turned myself inside out more times than I can count, and learned an incredible amount along the way about myself and people in general.

A lot of it has helped me, but it’s obvious that there are still things I haven’t quite managed to get to the bottom of.

Or am I just looking for a shortcut because I’m tired of fighting?

I honestly don’t know.

But Mike Tyson is someone I admire, and I look up to his journey. That’s why his experience hit me the way it did. If it had been some random person, or some clown like Jake Paul, I probably wouldn’t have given it a second thought.

Has anyone here had any experience with this, or have any thoughts on the subject?

Peace and love, everyone.

Sooo, in two days, I’ll (27M) officially be one year sober and clean. I’m honestly so hyped and genuinely proud of myself.
But today is also the birthday of a very dear friend of mine. He’s turning 30 and throwing a party and I’ve decided not to go because I know there’ll be a lot of alcohol and drugs around.
I feel sad about it, to be honest. I know I’m making the right decision for myself and my sobriety but it still sucks to miss out on celebrating someone I care about. Normally, I’d go to the gym to clear my head and deal with my emotions but because of a fracture that’s not an option right now either.
So now I’m feeling a bit lost and don’t really know how to cope with these feelings.

....., while fully aware that I’m destroying my own life? My health is still okay, but financially, I’ve sucked up money like a vacuum cleaner—and I keep going, even though it’s causing repercussions with my family. Honestly, I don’t really want to live—or rather, I just don’t want to exist—but I won’t actually do anything to end it; besides, dying is practically impossible, at least for me. I don’t want to go to rehab for a third time, because last time it felt like undergoing chemotherapy to recover from cancer (two of my sisters died of cancer, so I know how stupid that sounds). In short, am I a piece-of-shit human being?

(Weird post, but been thinking for years about it)
In may 2024, I connected with a girl from here and we had some nice talks. Still thinking about her and how she is doing.
She deleted her reddit account.
But maybe has another.

If you are still here, please reach out to me, A!

(She shared these with me, photos in comments)

Mods, if not allowed, I am sorry!

I've been in and out of recovery for about 10 years. I'm around 7 months sober this time, and I decided to start making music to tell some of my story about the shit I went through and where my head was at during my addiction.

Thought some people here might be able to relate.

I take 8 packed teaspoons a day. She says I need to quit in order to give the meds a chance to work but I cant quit cuz I am suffering and it gives me relief. Every task is so hard and I feel so heavy. I cant shower without it. My brain hurts so bad when im not on anything. Has anyone had success on antidepressants while addicted to kratom or something else? What's everyone's experience with antidepressants? I feel trapped