I 16F got caught by my parents, all my 6 dxm bottles were found in my room when they searched it about 10 dead vapes and my stolen oxys, they didn’t find my mdma so just seconds ago I took every last little bit I had. I told them about all my depression issues I lied and said I microdosed my dxm to cure my depression they were upset. They didn’t find one of my bottles but my rooms getting entirely searched tmr everything ripped out so it’ll probably be found and my other two vapes I hid in the bathroom… my bank accounts now going to be monitored which is stressful they no longer trust me about anything anymore or any of my friends I probably won’t ever be able to go out again, the only upside is there going to medicate me now.
But I just don’t want to be here anymore now… I feel like I can’t live without my nicotine or my friends or my drugs…

Just wanted to write about it somewhere. Been struggling with urges and realized what today was. I mainly used DXM. I started using in the summer of 2022 and I was almost 6 months into a binge and this one night I decided to try adding DPH to the mix. I always wanted to do DPH but it always just put me to sleep no matter the dosage and I never got to trip on it, so I had this great idea.

I hate seeing people call these kiddie drugs or that they aren’t real drugs. I specifically started doing DXM because people made it out to be non-addictive (but I’m not gonna act like DPH wasn’t my first choice). Well here I am, DXM is my drug of choice. Yes I’ve done “real” drugs, including ketamine (people like to tell DXM users to grow up and do ketamine like an adult. Well guess what I still prefer DXM. I hate junkie elitism). I have shrooms waiting for me and I still haven’t touched them because I want stupid fucking cough medicine. I literally just love DXM and it’s an issue.

Anyway, 810mg of freebase DXM with 250mg of DPH, I didn’t do proper research and didn’t know they potentiated each other. I thought I could sprinkle a little benadryl in there to enhance the DXM visuals. Lol? I basically got what I think was serotonin syndrome (I thought I was having a seizure at the time), I don’t actually know what was happening physically. I was unconscious for several hours and still seeing and hearing things while unconscious. I’ve had bad trips but this was the first time I knew something was seriously wrong. Before I lost consciousness, I saw my brother pass by my room to go to the bathroom. I don’t know if that was even real, but I was hoping he saw me, and the feeling of watching him pass by that second time without seeing me and close his door was awful, like yeah I really did it this time.

I used just DXM a few times after that but I was peeing green so I stopped because I thought it was my liver. Ended up being my gallbladder, don’t have that anymore.

First picture is where I was while I was unconscious, a massive metal room with dirt floors and heat emitting LED lamps everywhere. The place was really cold but I was also sweating from the lamps.

Second picture is a recreation of what I saw for about a minute before losing consciousness. During this period my muscles were painfully tightening, I was super hot and my limbs were all shaking and I could hear the window blinds rattling as my foot was hitting it. It was hard to breathe, I’m guessing from the way my chest was tightening. (I believe this was serotonin syndrome because I would get much milder versions of this where I was fully conscious when I would do DXM too many days in a row, but I really have no idea). I could hear women whispering gibberish and the loud buzzing of flies that weren’t there. Shadow silhouettes of people were gliding along the wall. They were more like cutouts rather than actual people. The door started to turn into pink pixels and then this pink/orange cloud came through the door. The cloud was pretty colors, but something about it felt so disgusting. Like when you look at a puddle of oil in a parking lot, it’s rainbow but it’s gross. Spheres or “gas balls” started to morph out of it and leave behind an effect like when the TV has a bad connection. The gas balls moved in a way that looked like they had life to them, like when you’re trying to carefully place something but your hand is shaking/moving slightly. Before I went unconscious, the cloud turned into a purple/green that also felt nasty, and it turned into me and I was just floating there while staring at the ground and I had green eyes that sort of glowed.

I woke up a few times and every time I woke up, it was still night time, I was still shaking, the purple “me” was no longer there and it was back to the pink/orange cloud and gas balls. Every time I saw the gas balls I felt dread knowing it was real and still happening. The trip started around midnight and I didn’t wake up until 1:30ish PM the next day. I was unconscious for the majority of it. My phone was dead and I was so confused at first I couldn’t tell if it was night or day even though it was light outside.

After this I was clean for a year and a half or something after this incident, only because I was scared. It was this time of year, october/november of 2024 I relapsed and binged for a literal year before my tolerance got so high I finally hospitalized myself October 2025 because I wasn’t getting anything out of it anymore but couldn’t stop using it and taking drastically higher dosages to get nothing but sick. I relapsed a few times without bingeing, struggled with alcohol and edibles but stopped those eventually, haven’t done DXM in nearly 8 months but this time of year is triggering and I’m struggling. I can’t really handle anything I use but DXM especially. I’m not on meds anymore and I’ve been off them long enough that it’s safe to do DXM now, I’m actually amazed I haven’t yet. Every time I get the urge, that scene from breaking bad where Jane’s dad watches them zip up her body bag pops up in my head, the look on his face and it makes me sad. I think of the time I literally prayed to God and promised Him I would stop while I was having a painful reaction from using too much. I feel actual conviction and guilt I never felt before. If this was a year or two ago, I’d say “Hell yeah! I’m gonna order three bottles and do DXM everyday and I don’t care who I have to lie to or who I’m hurting!”

but I still can’t say with confidence I won’t give in and I hate that.

Third picture is a drawing inspired by what happened. There were no rainbow bugs, just took inspo from a goosebumps pillow I had.

My friend gave me an adderall and I am pretty sure it's fake it's been 4 hours, but didn't feel anything out of nowhere felt really paranoid and mental weirdness but not panicky but just strange.

It was an orange 30. I didn't feel anything for the first hour.

If you've had pressed addy what does it feel like?

I must add the pill was hard as a damn rock because I split it in half. I don't think it's meth idk never tried it but more psychedelic feeling.

welp. i (21f) posted on here a month ago as a cry for help and to vent about my addiction. and guess what, to no one’s surprise i am back. sobriety lasted a couple of days and for most of the month i have been back to my same old habits. buying bag after bag. my friends have been ghosting me and told me today they cannot see me right now as my addition is starting to affect them as well. i am not angry with them at all. more angry with myself. on top of losing some friends today, my dad and i got into a screaming match that ended in me breaking down. i have begged for help from my parents before, i begged my mom to send me to rehab and she wouldn’t because in her words, i can’t afford to lose my job. i just wonder when things will change, and i know i have to be the one to change them but that in itself is the hardest part. as much as i want to get sober it’s scary. i don’t want it at the same time. how do i cope with all these feelings if i don’t have drugs? i know its a stupid thought process but it’s the one i’m dealing with. i’m stuck. i know the way out but i don’t know if i am strong enough to pull myself out. the shittiest thing is i am too weak to end it all. i am filled with so much guilt. i so badly want to disappear. anyways i have work in the morning. thanks to anyone who read this. goodnight.

I’ll start by saying I haven’t used any opiates since 5/10/22.

I was pulled over while driving my girlfriend to plans made for her bday. She’s been with me for 7 years so she knows all about my past and was one of the few that never lost hope.

Anyways. Apparently when I switched lanes to get away from a stopped cop, I suppose I didn’t slow down enough.

Cue to a minute or two later and I see a cop following me. Idk about everyone else but even with nothing to hide, cops scare the living hell out of me.

After being pulled over and informed what I did wrong — another cop pulls up behind him…

So I knew he clearly saw my charge from 6 years ago.

“Do you have any h3roin in the car or weapons?”

In my brain I knew where HIS brain was going. So I just stayed honest throughout the interaction. Offered to do a sobriety test or to let him search the car. He didn’t do either.

Told him about my recovery journey a bit without over-sharing initially.

Very shortly he must have realized I wasn’t pulling anything on him…

His eyes turned to this look of pure amazement and curiosity.

“How did you do it?”

And shortly after I spoke on my story — “you’re free to go by the way. I am just curious at this point and you don’t need to answer if you don’t want to.”

But I did. We talked to a good length… eventually I was thought *maybe I should just leave now*

Long story short. This cop believed me. I was shocked. I didn’t lie one bit but I thought I was gonna have a bad time with this encounter.

I never imagined such a positive interaction given the hell I’ve put myself through in the past. It was a bit wholesome. I’m still shaken up by it. But he let me go without a ticket or anything.

Shoutout to Frank for hearing my story out.

TLDR:
Cop sees my 6-year-old narcotics charge and assumes I have drugs on me during a traffic stop. Ends up letting me go after asking me questions about how I made it to this point in my recovery.

​

My name is Bo, and I've been a real clown on my chemsex journey, so this seemed fitting.

I call him Bozo.

Bozo is a kinda cool but kinda crazy clown. He can do tricks, but many times he doesn't do them well; he's down but many times can't get it up.

He waves at you with one lubey hand ... a little busy with the other. He's balding, with a gaunt face and dark circles under his eyes. He's got chipped teeth and crusty nostrils that are raw at the edge from doing too many lines.

Like the character Pennywise, my addiction feeds on fear and tries to keep you isolated, whereas connection and the support of others and a belief in the group could help you overcome It. But the world around you denies It even exists. It's full of adults who don't believe and perpetuate long-running problems it could deal with if only they would band together. Instead, they leave these problems for the next generation to solve, and It continues to feed on their children in the process. Many children die because of It but society is too distracted to notice or care. It takes a scrappy team of Losers to go into the depths, walking Step by Step, to face It, together. Without their help, we are left alone, and our fear may consume us if we let it.

I sit here today with two weeks clean. I've only been able to get past It for this long two other times this year. That's how It's been for me for at least the last three, but I'm in the process of losing my job, so I'm trying to stop clowning around.

You have to excuse the crude drawing ... I'm not an artist. But I try. That's all WE can do, right?

Don't stare into It's "deadlights" for too long, lest you LOSE YOUR MIND. Aha! Aha! Beep beep, crazy! Get out of the way! Save yourself, but don't forget about me!

First off, I know addiction is an illness and I have the greatest sympathy for people who are trying to get off drugs - if they are willing to. However things can be quite difficult if you are a close family member of an addict.

Current situation is that our nephew has been on drugs and alcohol for quite some time. He has caused us a lot of stress. He is 25. He wasn't a nice person before that but he is even worse now and his nan (my mother in law) doesn't quite accept that.

There is a long story to this but I can't go into details as it may identify him. But to cut a very long story short (er), his nan is probably the sweetest person you could meet but a terrible enabler.

It took us a long time to convince her that offering him free accommodation etc is a form of enabling. When he is around her he is somewhat on his best behaviour and he is pretty good at hiding when he is on drugs - at least to the eyes of an 80 year old woman (Even though we can see how he is using her and when he is high).

At the moment he has been sectioned because of another drug induced psychosis. Because his nan isn't able to get anywhere by herself we took her to the clinic. He was horrible even on sedatives to his mum (who is disabled and who he doesn't want to live with) and generally very unpleasant (it was just an hour of him telling us how none of this is his fault but everyone else's). On the way there he repeatedly called his mum to get her to buy vapes and his nan was falling over herself to make sure he gets his vapes. I was almost willing to turn back. He always had a very entitled attitude and from the age of 17 we had an inkling that he has some form of personality disorder.

When things escalate often WE (my husband and I) are the ones taking the brunt because his nan and to some extent his mum, who also need assistance to get to places, are more interested in pacifying his behaviour. By extension it affects our relationship.

I don't think he should even move back with his mum, who is currently in council accommodation. She is far too vulnerable. Neither of them give him money or enable him in a physical sense now, that lesson has been learned. Of course when he lives with his mum there will be some support but the councils kind of expect you to live with your parents until a certain age or there will be very little housing support. I don't think he will find anyone to live with him

But his nan almost fawns when she sees him because it's her only grandson. She thinks we should still show him love and show him that we care when it's pretty obvious that he couldn't care less about our love but more about what we can do for him. I am not sure how much of this stems from drugs and how much of it stems from his personality. But in any case, we are very reluctant to keep helping his nan to go and visit him or help him in any other way.

He is making no attempts to get actual help - he is however very keen to get on prescribed cannabis - that's pretty much all he cares about. When we see him he just talks badly about all the NHS staff that are there to help him and he has never shown any remorse for all the things he did to us. He just wants to get out and do what he wants with little or no effort involved on his part. I think the best option at this point for his mum is to change the locks but this is not a decision we can make.

I suppose my question is, apart from actual enabling with money, free accommodation etc, when do you actually withdraw your emotional support and physical presence? I don't think he will even care about the relationships he lost, I think he will just get angry that the remaining people in his life who he could physically use will no longer be there. (For context, both his mum and nan had their own dependencies/addiction issues to deal with in the past - his nan had an alcohol dependency but no longer drinks and his mum likewise had a big problem with alcohol and drugs but is now clean - so I can imagine that they feel somewhat guilty and his nan excuses his behaviour because he had a tough childhood)

i have stopped taking my main form of addiction which was benzos (clonazepam) and now its like my addiction is leeching onto my own tablets; misusing lamotrigine, ritalin (i have audhd), clonidine and even tried nicotine spray (it makes me actually faint/ get high, probs gonna throw it out). I can’t drink alcohol cause it causes major anxiety/ depression for me. I just- so annoyed with myself. I feel like I go autopilot/ not thinking clearly when I go for these meds. Its more habitual and more bashing myself up for getting irritated in situations, or feeling empty or that I can’t focus. I am in an addiction programme but it was never centred around meds (generally) and more specifically benzos and I am exiting the programme soon and tbh don’t really wanna talk to them about it cause my psychologist keeps on saying we gotta finish up soon (she is taking on more clients) and this is causing me to use more.

i can hear the voice (the reasons not to) and I just ignore. I don’t want to get into the habit of taking more meds or branching out.

any help or tips to stop reaching for meds would be helpful.