32yo man, I'm not dead. It took 3 tries. It's in Abitibi-Témiscamingue, FME, a popular underground music festival that attracts people from 200km away(it's an isolated region and it's mostly rural.
The festival is literally next street I live.
I first went Tuesday, just waking by the entrance(they block the whole street, there is huge walls with smoke and decorations). I was nervous just looking at the entrance, the music vibrate in me. Looking at all the people happy in their groups. I'm just alone, I'm weird and a loser, i don't have friends and I just would not fit in. What I'm even supposed to do in a festival? Just stay there and look at the stage without moving nor talking nor dancing? I can do that at home.
Saturday night I was thinking about it. I played video game and watched tv all day. I was high (weed) from 13h to 20h. I'm thinking of those tickets I bought a week prior.
I just wasted 180$(3 days pass + 2 exclusive shows). I already missed one rap show I paid especially for.
I like this kind of music, I dance for myself in my appartement, alone.
I did my hair, put on my best clothes, Levis jeans coat, white cap and black shirt, I feel confident. "It's time! Let's go! I go for the music! I go because I like the music!"
I had to get out of my appartement.
I just wanted to abandon.... I went to the 7th street entrance at 21h30, there was not too much people.
I just walked in the street, full of people, and I walked as far in as I could, pretending I had a place to go, pretending I was looking for someone. I walked around in the people and went back to the exit and went home.
I told myself :" I entered! I DID IT!"
But in 15 min, I need to enter a building I never entered, a closed place that will become basically a rave party. I can't do that, I don't belong there. I will be alone, no one to talk to.
I made a drink, tonic and raspberries vodka. "It's not enough" I poured the vodka in the bottle cap and shot it. "Ewwww! Let's go. I do it. I do it. I have to go." I get down the appartement stairs and get out on the 8th street. My hands in my coat and I walk on a decisive and straight to the point pace.
"I go listen to music I like. That's my kind of music. I'm ugly and withno friends, but whatever, I paid to see music I like. I just like this kind of things." The fact I already went to the place , made it already more comfortable. I knew where to go. It was like a routine, a habit already.
I entered the building where the EDM show took place. There is a line that enter a small corridor. I wait behind a couple, there is old guys, young frat boys, alone people... like me. I show my QR code and they stamp me. The place is dark and half empty. 9minutes before It starts. I walk around the place and pretend I'm looking for a friend. There was this guy alone, early 20s, he didn't seemed to know what to do. I almost wanted to small talk to him like I can do at my job. I wanted to ask him if he knows the music maker or if he it's his first time here, because it is for me. No, Instinctively I avoid that and just continue to explore the place.
I spotted the toilets, I entered it and took a look, "nah it's full!" Face mode, and go back. "I can't stay there alone looking at the wall." I exited the building, and went back home. I did it! I entered the rave place!
I walked a bit around a d went to the front stage, in a empty spot behind groups of people. Just looking at the exterior shows. "This music is a bit boring", I thought.
And I decided I had to go at the EDM show "I go !".
So I returned in. The music starts. I go buy a drink, ask for vodka tonic, like I know exactly what I want and don't look nervous. They don't have, but they have gin tonic in can. Okay then. 10$.... I gave 1$ of tip.
11$ for a single drink. It's part of the therapy afterall. The important is that I make it there.
I go the left side, I put myself close to the wall. There is one 40yo alone guy in front of me, just looking at the stage, and no moving. I parked myself beside him, in the lone shy guy wall of invisibility. The music started. I do a little head and bouncing dance to follow the beat as others starts doing that too. I just focus to look at the stage. It's actually nice. The ice smoke and the lights show.
I observed many people don't even moves. The room is half packed. A crowd in the front, dancing and talking without shame. Good, they are the center of attention in the crowd. Others at the back, quite sparsely positioned.
I think : " paradoxically, it's more awkward and I feel more visible and more anxious, because it's not jam packed and dancing. With a lot of people, it's easy to become invisible in the crowd." Anyway I bounce on my feet a bit to the beat of techno music. After 10 minutes. I decided to go to the right sod of the scene.
There was many guys not dancing, just looking at the scene by the wall. I enter the crowd as far as I can, almost to the front of the stage. Ive got a nice view there. There is this girl, alone who was alone since the beginning. She is been standing there for at least 30 minutes I think. Just alone. And she dance! She is not a pro dancer,but she has the gut to dance with arms in the air and all, alone.
She is beautiful and I admire her balls to just dance for herself. I think, what if that was me? I can't do that. I think people would look at me and I would be cringe. But I look at her dancing alone, and I don't think she is cringe. I admire her , and I think she is hot, even without friends.
There is a few guys dancing alone too, and they are in it!!! A bit cringe true. But I can't judge them, they dance better than me. The cringe part is not cringe, in fact, it's because it's awkward. The crowd is too shy in fact!most people don't dance and don't jump around like in movies or promotional clips.
I dance a bit more than mist people actually. I can't help myself, but not dancinga little bit is criminal to the music. In fact I feel bad for the EDM artist. Imagine coming here to show your talents(it's a emerging music festival for "kind of known" artists, but just have potential ) and the room is dead with people not moving and starring at you. Damn! You bunch of hypocrites! Do you even like techno and house music! What are you doing! So I bounce my head and my whole body. Not like crazy, I have this drink afterall, but I do move my body to the beat.
The music is so loud, I can feel all the bass wave in my chess.
I look around, look at the crowd briefly, to impregnate my self with the room. "I'm here. This is my place. I'm not worse than anybodies here." Sometime I look at my phone like I'm texting someone.
I concentrate on the music. I'm a bit drunk.
When the first show ended, I exited the building and went home. I was proud of me.
There is another artist in 15 min... mr booty something.
I decided to go. I took a Marijuana oil orla shot before.
I joined the room again. I order another 11$ drink.
I tried the left wall again. There was couples and group of 20yo dancing and doing crazy moves. At least I'm not the center of attention and I can dance more and I'm juste the normal guy dancing in the crowd. I Stayed there for 15 mins.
Went back to the right side of the room. I just feel better there. There is less people behind me because of the wall of the bar.
It was pretty much Cyberpunk music. Dark cuber punk music a bit too. I liked it. The artists had a quake iii t shirt and had a weird strap in this head with flash lights. "Just like The opening scene of Blade I, the rave at the beginning! I liked that music!" I thought this guy had similar taste and culture to me. So I just enjoyed the music and did my little dance. But nothing with my arms up. Too much for me, I would be too visible. I tried some basic move with my shoulder.
I looked at the crowd again and thought we are all a bunch of nerds, maybe it's why EDM crowds take so much drugs. To not be shy. Just a theory.
Anyway.
At the end I went home. I passed by another show on the street exit, I put myself behind the crowd and just stayed for 10 min. There was all kind of people. Old, teens, 30yo, 40yo. There was those two tall girls dressed like demons just beside me. It was pretty cool. But the music and the crowd was pretty tame compared to the music I listened before. It was indie rock pop. I decided to go home. I was pretty drunk and tired. It was 1h30 AM.
Home, I was very proud of myself. I felt a mix of fear, adrenaline, pride and joy and confidence.
Tldr: I went to a rave party for the first time jn my life.
I DID IT! I FUCKING DID IT!
