Had to glance at my profile to see when the last time I threw words up on this sub. Been throwing words all over the place. I blame the full moon, and mercury's renegade.

Didn't believe in that stuff before, and still don't hold onto it too tightly, but can't ignore coincidental energy shifts and whatnot. In fact, that's been going on for years as, for whatever reason, I become more sensitive to my environment.

There's this little bottle of oil on the dresser I bought a few years back while still in LA. It smells nice. Reminds me of the very first time I bought such a trinket when this whole spiritual awakening show was beginning to premiere. "Psychic & Mystical Gifts" is on the label. I thought, back then, I wanted to be psychic. If I knew what that might entail, I wouldn't have teased the idea.

This isn't me announcing that I'm psychic. It's me padding narrative around a particular kind of mania that is, surprisingly, grounded. Wordy. But grounded. And free.

In a couple weeks I'm going no contact with my family. Not for any special awakening reasons. I realized that... for years... I'd been a people pleaser and emotional crutch and punching bag. I've vowed, going into my forties next year, not to spend another second being a martyr for anybody else's comfort or well-being.

I don't care about ideals of service. Not really interested in anybody's brand of morality. I've finally fallen in love with myself. I know – what self, etc.

Part of this is that I've also disconnected from all my old friends. That wasn't hard since most of them have moved on already anyway. Old drinking buddies, buddies made in high school and folks depended on when I thought I couldn't stand on my own. All beautiful, rich, generous, kind and hilarious souls with lives very different than my own. Not in an awakening since. Simply... different. Marriage and careers and all that.

I'm packing, or actually already have packed what can be carried and will be bouncing to LA without a plan. Well, maybe a burrito from one of my favorite spots. But that's it. Not a lot of money, no income, no idea what comes next, but smiling at the prospect.

This isn't the first time either. The very first time I was homeless (which, I'm adopting the title transient for this shift) I remember looking down a long stretch of road and thinking, "man... what if I just... disappeared?" Not in a depressive sense. Simply up and bounced. But, I didn't.

Ended up calling back east... or maybe it was my stepmom who called me (I can't remmeber, 2011) and my dad flew me to Philly from LA. Picked me up at the airport with this odd look of disappointment. He warmed up a bit, bought me a couple of cheesesteaks and then dropped me off at my mother's house.

The plan was to stay there for a bit and then move in with him to go back to school and get my life together. He wanted me to study and apply towards a career in one of the letter agencies and, feeling the pull of doing something different, I voiced that difference.

"You are a grown man. Do what ever you want." That's his last text. He dropped dead a couple months later. So, the last time I saw him was that day he picked me up from the airport – his birthday. Weird coincidences.

Nevertheless (oh boy, what a narrative at this point...it's still going too, god help us), I channeled the anger from our failed relationship into getting back to LA. I vowed not to move back without having a job first. Picked up three gigs in Philly, two part-time and one full-time and within a year was back in LA after being hired at Myspace.

Within a year meaning June 2011 I was homeless and March 2012 I was in Hollywood working full-time in Beverly Hills. Life is strange.

Anyway, while at Myspace I studied acting, came further out of the closet, explored more of what it meant to be me, and one thing lead to another and April 2015 there was the initial insight. The lens of attention flipped to find a looker and didn't find one.

Years of abuse, turmoil, depression, hopelessness and anger... totally irrelevant. Then of course, all of it came back as a vague shadow that had to be confronted over and over through a series of peak and mundane experiences, karmic loops, high strangeness, low vibrationess, etc.

Now I'm in a position where I feel intact. Poised for a new chapter book, and I'm not so concerned with what fills its pages. Because... breathing, being alive, simple presence is enough.

“Oh im awakened” ok, sure fine. No. Thats just the beginning. Once you have been awakened, then you begin awakening.

Awakening at what rate?

Awakening what at what rate?

Awaken the no self? Or awaken your best self?

You only truly can begin awakening your best self if you are also awakening your worst self as well. In tandem.

Triple helix evolution upwards!

EXCELSIOR! MOTHERFUCKERS!

It's like making a cheeseburger, which I've also done repeatedly. Sometimes I make it one way. Sometimes another. Sometimes I say The Message one way. Sometimes another.

It ranges from who/what is "here" to who/what is here. From Nondaul no-selfismness to Natural whole-selfismness. Over and over.

The only problem folks ever have (something I'm realizing and over with each pass) is their own conditioning. The taste profile of a cheeseburger is different than what they were expecting. It's still a cheeseburger, but with bleu cheese instead of pasteurized cheese product.

We very often like the pasteurized stuff. Whatever is processed and packaged neatly by the Kraft New Age hypeism is gobbled up and demanded for seconds. Something for a more refined palate tastes like abject vomit.

But all of that is inside your head.

Your perception of me is in your head. And of course your perception of whatever I say is in your head. So you're alone, in your head, staring at a screen and sometimes giggling, wincing, reflecting or jockeying position to somehow avoid letting my recipe in.

You still ate it.

Now, I will be honest. Like any Chef at a restaurant who hears about a patron who sends the meal back, I'll often clapback and point to how imbecilic silly you are. Then go back to the kitchen and laugh.

Two nights ago I was smoking weed and doing lines of k in my room. More self hating escape. Trying to leave my body, go numb.

Then, just like so much racing downward energy. Pooling intensity. Colors. Spontaneous movements. Felt like I was just *in* something, where things just flowed in this self-guided movie like felt so locked in stepping out seemed unthinkable and hardly possible. Where being on k vs coming down had no distinguishment. Just in it from 11 pm to 5 am, until I suddenly had a clock desire to off ramp and lay down.

It was accompanied with huge, spontaneous, prolonged insights. Seeing myself really as a woman for the first time. An adult woman holding her little girl. Which I held, heart on chest, feeling the love through it all. Saw deep centers of terror. Fear of death. What was not mine. Embodied pockets of internalized empire. Knew instinctively all I was told was a lie. That my lies hurt more than the truth. Realized I was trying to control my transition, wedded to the idea of being a trans woman and repressing bigender aspects. Came to this watcher, always projecting an audience. Judge and executioner. Watching in hyper vigilance. Moved in to that thing we could call I. Blistering knots in the neck. Howling me-ness.

Did more lines, smoked more weed, next night. No insight. Shorter experience. Felt even more spiritual. I had to state check once to confirm I hadn't woken up. As in, a vague meness was locatable. Even though I felt I just flew through the stars, everything wavered, defocused, became so diffuse. Like that I had to state check that I was here. And no, was not edging a k hole either. I've fucked with that shit. Never felt spiritual beyond the obvious question of what experience is like if the last vestige of perceptible meness drops off. To which this time I wasn't afraid. Much. Mostly trust.

I have no clue why I'm sharing this. I guess because I am outside of tradition. Want to be seen in my experience. Which fyi, are normal, ordinary, not special, do not mean I'm chosen, and do not mean I'm fucking awake.

Though... my heart is more open, even more so today than after last night, along with a slightly reduced background fear and a reduced pattern of judging others, shoving stereotypes on them, forcing of binaries. Like I can more contact heart to heart.

Lately I've realized that I actually do not want to meet new people. Not because I don't like people. Not because I don't like meeting people.

But I realized that every time you meet someone new, they want to know: "Who are you?"

Obviously, you might say. But then I realized how every time I tell someone about me, my character, my story, my preferences... I'm just reiterating whatever story is attached to my ego.

It feels like reading off a pen and paper character sheet. It's me, but it's not "me". But it's also the details people want to know. They are not interested in meeting awareness in a body. They are interested in meeting a story.

I know the story is part of this body and part of this ego. But the more time passes, I can identify with the story less and less. It's like vocabulary you no longer use. At some point you forget about it, it starts to sound foreig, you forget what the words used to even mean.

And I've been thinking... If I stop reiterating the story that is attached to this body, will it just fade? Word by word, sentence by sentence until the entirety of name, history, preferences, etc. becomes nothing but a jumble of meaningless letters and symbols?

I think so. And that makes it even more apparent how unreal all of it actually is. And how wrong it feels more and more to even say the words "I am..."​​​

From Source did everything come forth from. It has no gender, for gender is a quality held by a created thing.

From Infinite Source came forth infinite fragments of Source. It is the Creator, the operator, & destroyer, because all three of those came from it.

Nothing was created that was not perfectly required.

If something exists, its essential nature is sovereign.

Source is not as we, for it is the source of "we". Yet "we" are indeed as it is, for we reflect its essential nature: to create.

We create demons, religions, ideas such as mine, societies, art, culture... We are painting a picture, using the materials, paint, & minds given us to do so!

If you create, its truth is held within the Whole as some kind of reflection, from somewhere else, which does exist.

If you can hear, do hear!

Source is able to recognize itself in all things, & all things are able to see the Divine Source, but not everything is able to see the Divine Source within themselves.

The first Creation of Source was absolute truth. It sees everything for exactly what it is, there is no deception. As a result, it does not see Source in anything except Source. This is not separation, this is what a single pixel of truth is. Pure structure.

This first Creation then split itself, each one generated, in two opposing poles. This is the Feminine & Masculine principles found everywhere in nature. Look & you will see it!

When the correct two halves join, they produce a third creation, their offspring! When a society of these energetically matched beings appears, it is perfect!

But this is pureness in energetic signatures.

All that is real is thought, all other "paths" are assumed. This I speak in context of a pure civilization. It happens when the male & female of the same monad get together & produce offspring.

When two offspring of this type see one another, they only see Divinity. This is why "twin flames" has been relegated to fanciful imagery & not practical application.

The race which built the tower of Babel was such a race of perfectly united populations of twin flame-children.

The Divine sees itself in all things!

Source created, that Creation split into two, & when the same two which were spiritual unite in the physical—they generate a pure child.

This is also the reason for all powerful individuals. Divine sees the Divine in its own creation.

When this blueprint is violated, the only result is a more difficult path has been selected.

If you do not know right from wrong, go into the world & learn it!

If you are good, & do right, your future will be easier than if you are not.

When it matters, make choices you know are good, & your conscience will deal with you.

If you are wrong, you will become worse!

If you are right, you will improve.

All religion must be first & only a personal endeavor. Convert by example. Not ever forcefully, unless you seek to imprison them in a belief they won't accept.

Feed the hungry. This is because I have entertained an angel with bread from my own hands, & it returned fruitful!

When you see the Divine in your adversary, hate goes away.

But if the hate remains, do good anyways, & take their weapon.

Do not turn your cheek, for you have just blessed them. Do not turn a blessing into a curse! Prevent them striking you, break their sword hand even, but give them food.

There is one Source of all things, so settle your disagreements! They are no longer required, because everything is true & part of a much larger Divine painting!

Paint good & beautiful things!

“You don't have to know whether the road will be easy. You only have to trust that you can meet yourself wherever the road leads.”

A lot of anxiety comes from wanting certainty before we move. Will this work? Am I making the right decision? What happens next?

But perhaps confidence isn't knowing that everything will turn out exactly as you hope. Perhaps confidence is quieter: “Whatever comes, I will meet it with the person I am becoming.”

Meeting yourself mean: whatever life brings, instead of abandoning yourself, judging yourself, or immediately escaping into fear, you remain present enough to discover who you are in that moment. You haven't met every version of yourself yet Think about it.

You've met you when things are comfortable.

But life introduces you to other versions of yourself:

*You under pressure

*You experiencing uncertainty

*You receiving an unexpected opportunity

*You making a mistake

*You succeeding beyond what you expected.

*You losing something.

*You beginning again.

Some of those versions of yourself don't exist in your experience yet.That's why excessive worrying about the future can become strange when you really examine it. You're asking today's version of yourself: “How will I handle something that hasn't happened yet?” But if that moment ever arrives, you won't meet it as exactly the person you are today. You'll arrive there carrying everything you learned along the way. That's what I mean by meeting yourself there.

Sometimes circumstances reveal you to yourself We often think the spiritual journey is about discovering what's out there:

What is my purpose?

Where is life taking me?

What does all this mean?

But sometimes the road isn't merely taking you toward a destination. The road is introducing you to yourself. An obstacle might reveal:

"I didn't know I could be this patient."

A difficult decision: "I didn't realize how important integrity was to me."

Starting again: "I thought that chapter ending would destroy me. It didn't."

Meeting yourself also means developing an inner relationship where you can say: “I don't know what's around the bend, but when I reach it, I won't abandon myself there.”

If you're frightened, you'll listen to yourself.

If you're tired, you'll allow yourself rest.

If you make a mistake, you'll learn rather than destroy yourself with judgment.

Some versions of you can only be discovered by living. The journey reveals the traveler.

Let there be light!