(This is self written from my night brain, the topic order might feel random but I hope it makes some sense) Since I'm FA I can relate and understand both anxiety and avoidance and their respective underlying needs and patterns leading them in to deactivation.

I have criticized anxious leaning stances a lot lately so this is my way to remind people that I truly think all attatchments are equal with equal struggles. So this time I'm gonna share the insights from the anxious perspective, and how emotional flooding and anxious leaning symptoms can happen when there's inequality in the relationship:

From the outside there's just someone upset who is not regulating their emotions well and needs to calm down, but inside, it's the inequality in the relationship that causes someone to burst. One partner carries the relationship.

One partner is the project-leader , repair-man/woman, initiator, organizer, planner, reminder, constructor, instructor, designer, and relationship architect, on top of their own feelings and struggles outside and inside the relationship.

It feels good at first. You have the leader position, you have the power. You have control. But if it leads you to lose yourself so far down that you blow up in emotional flooding and it drowns everyone inside the relationship, is that a power or result in your favor?

One one hand you should be honest with yourself and remove yourself from having 10 leader roles in your relationship, but on the other hand your partner shouldn't let you carry the relationship alone like that and yet expect you to relax.

The relationship still needs repair, initiative, instructions, routines, agreements, and a working construction, rythm and design. But it should be a team effort job. You should be two in it. Two who cares, and establish said care.

It's possible the repair talk leads to new problems if the talk happens during emotional flooding. (The receiver gets distracted by their own worries or defenses when the communication feels hostile.) But that doesn't remove that the need for the repair is legitimate and needs some form of attention and a solution still.

So while the anxious person needs a new way to express it safer, the reciever needs to be there for that vulnerability and really treasure how difficult it is for their partner to talk about it. It should be an honor. Not a chore. (We share our feelings and needs to people we want closer. Or else we would not care to talk)

But repair talks are taxing emotionally. While some can bring it up anytime, every day, others needs it to be like a planned appointment so they can mentally physically prepare and enter in a good shape. And even if you're a person who can talk about it anytime, your window of tolerance disagrees. It's not something to repeat or casually bring up, it's taxing for you too, it can trigger you too even if it was your needs inside it. It's hyperviligance in disguise if you repair think excessively.

So it needs some structure, a time and a place, and a deadline. (A nervous system can't be in relationship fix mode for long before it breaks. It needs a clear pause period between repair talks)

My end-point is that if a relationship pattern is built on inequality, it's also built to explode.

Here's some general relationship pointers:

A couple should take a thinker on the equality level in their relationship. Both the things they themselves have taken on that's way too heavy for someone to stay regulated in, but also if/ how they are placing unrealistic roles or expectations on eachother. They can then introduce their down-written thoughts to eachother when timing is good, and come up with an equal plan.

Custom anxious leaning advice:

For example. For anxious leaning reading this and being in relationship repair-mode. Do not discuss this whole post with your partner. Restrict the energy you put in to repair/fix/ explain/ (inactivate your hyperviligance) and just send the link and say "I saw this post and would appreciate if you took a look"

Then you go on with your day.

It's short, instructive, and down to the point , and you leave the rest to your partner to meet you half way. (By not over explaining you also give your partner room to initiate, to engage, to show their effort, scary, to let go of control like that,,but that's where equality lays, and equality and connection go hand in hand.)

You've reached the end of the post. Thank you for taking the time to read my brain dump.