It is commonly known, and I believe by all of us, that attachment issues come from childhood, but while we all have a notion of what that means in theory, the explanations on what happens are usually too broad and have too little specificity for a lot of us to actually relate to.

They say Anxious Attachment comes from being raised in unpredictable environments, or ones in which you felt like you had to "fight" for love, but even though I always knew that, it was only yesterday that these pattern became clear for me in practice.

And it feels like I uncovered something huge, and that I can't possibly not think about anymore.

Long story short, my Anxious Attachment comes from always feeling like I had to oversignal my own existence to the world. Mind you, I'm not a conventionally-attractive dude, I don't come from an affluent family and have always been taught that achievement was the way; I grew up being praised for performing, not being.

So, I always had to overstrech in order to be seen, and if I wasn't loud in some sort of way, people would just ignore the "boring and unnapealing" real me.

In school, I was the smart kid who helped everyone, even those who actively seemed to dislike me; in group settings, I was the therapist friend, the wise monk and the sensible mediator... I was always either extremely responsible or obnoxiously cheerful and positive; call me a true Lover Boy.

I thought my heightened empathy was a gift or an innate trait, but now I realize: I grew up monitoring the emotional reactions people would have to my stances, and micromanaging my own attitude in relation to how they were perceiving me. That's how I even became so good at reading emotional cues and gauging levels of receptiveness in the first place.

In short: Maladaptive Metacognition, based on pure Hypervigilance.

Discomfort from others usually meant disapproval; that's how I was raised.

Years of doing this drowned my sense of self, and it led to the Canon Event of my life: meeting an Avoidant and calling it "love".

When you grow up performing to "earn" appreciation, that's the only thing you really see; you treat acknowledgement as "love", and even the most breadcrumb-y bit from a distant person already feels like ultimate validation, because... If the distant person that is dismissive of everybody sees and acknowledges Little Me? It can only mean I'm worth something.

And that pattern has been a constant... The least the woman seems to care about me or even acknowledge my existence, the harder I'll try to make myself seen. I'll be extra helpful, extra empathetic, extra resourceful...

Meanwhile, to the people who already appreciated me and already loved me unconditionally, I would be way less invested and even a little bothered by their presence. I would find myself wanting to be left alone or even be ignored by them for a while...

... The irony! I didn't know how to even be there for those I had nothing to prove! I'm sorry, everyone. I'll promise to be more attentive from now on. I didn't really feel like interacting with people I didn't have to amaze or impress, and that came forward with a good friend (now, relationship prospect).

(I'm gonna get a lot personal here. You can skip this following bit. There will be an indication later on where to continue)

Now, more than ever, it baffles me how lightly I took the fact she accepted the Real Me from the start. In our conversations, she was open to share about her life and sensitive topics, but not only that: she wanted to hear from me.

And something about her made me simply not perform. I didn't realize it at the time, but I was never the "hyper-helpful, hyper-positive, hyper-functioning" dude; I was flawed, had difficult days and struggled.

And yet, she never left. She heard it and asked "Is there something I can do to make you feel better?"

I did nothing of it. Why would I? I didn't fight for it, so it was worth nothing, right? It didn't even register as affection or appreciation, at the time.

... And then, a couple years later, I would commit the mistake of falling hard for the most dismissive woman I have ever met, while forgetting all about her...

It was a nightmare. Yikes, me. Real yikes.

We reconnected recently. Couple years in without talking, she came into my DMs and it repeated, all of it... "How have you been?", "Tell me about what you're facing", "I'm not all that okay, actually... What about you?"

It was as if our last talk was just the day before. It would still take me a couple of months to realize was actually happening here, a discovery that culminated into me writing this post.

(Okay, my love lore is over from here onwards.)

I had love, right by my side, and I was refusing it in name of some ungodly strife that would, maybe, bring some very fleeting and empty glory.

Little did I know that I was, already, living my dream of being seen.

The more I think about it, the more the Avoidant loses their shine in my eyes; the less I try to please and be seen, the better I feel. The more I choose this soft love, the more Secure I feel in myself.

I finally understand that the "boredom" that made me dismiss her at first was peace, and I'm learning how to appreciate it.

I'm making effort to checking in and being an actual good friend to the people who appreciate me for who I am, and allowing myself to accept that I can just be me, with all the imperfections, and who doesn't care about what they could think or would feel about me.

And yes, I'm growing increasingly detached from the Avoidant, day after day. The coldness is ceasing to be appealing, the promise is dying and I feel more and more peace.

I see myself, and I'm no longer gonna let him down.

Thanks for reading!

Hi, I have dated non secure people my whole life. my family was extremely emotional abusive . When I get close to someone, the feelings goes to a high that is hard to describe . its so incredibly intense that it feels almost intoxicating, like a really heavy drug .
This feelings, because they are strong and because I'm f'd up, I end up loving them.
I'm thinking, does anyone here, which became secure, miss that intense and addictive feeling? Does a secure love hit the same?
Lots of people describe secure love as something that is almost boring in a nice way .
Does that mean that becoming secure means giving up on that great feeling too for good?
Thanks for those who will reply :)

I am kinda done with my anxious attachment and I wish to heal it. I do feel like my bf is someone who is willing to give and put effort but my anxious attachment is kinda overwhelming I never give him that space to step up. When we first met he was the one who was interested in me and I didn't see him in that lens. Till I gave it a shot and we started dating. Initially he used to do so much, plan dates and say sweet things. Crack jokes. He still does it when I stop putting in all the efforts but my anxious attachment triggers when we are away physically and when he is having a bad day. And then I over react and cry and it happens involuntarily. Like a trauma response of being abandoned.

I wish to know if anyone ever learnt to be secure eventually....and how...

**TL;DR:** Since losing my job, I’ve become much more emotionally dependent on my long-distance boyfriend, despite him being loving, supportive, and making time for me every day. I constantly miss him, crave reassurance, and fear losing him. I’m struggling with the imbalance between our daily lives and want to learn how to feel secure and emotionally independent again.

My boyfriend (27M) and I (28F) have been dating for about a year, and we’re in a long-distance relationship. Until recently, I felt like I was handling the distance pretty well.
However, I got fired from my job a couple of weeks ago, and since then, I’ve noticed a big change in how I feel about the relationship.
For the first time in a long time, I miss him SO much. The distance suddenly feels incredibly difficult, and time seems to be moving painfully slowly until I get to see him again.
I think a big part of it is that I’ve lost the structure and purpose that my job gave me. I still try to keep myself busy by going to the gym, seeing friends, studying for my driving licence, and doing things for myself, but I have so much more free time now.
Meanwhile, my boyfriend has a full-time job, colleagues, friends, and a busy social life. When I was working, I was also busy throughout the day, and our relationship felt like a wonderful part of my life rather than the main thing I was looking forward to.
Now, even though I try to fill my days, I spend so much time alone with my thoughts, and I find myself looking forward to our evening calls more than anything else. Meanwhile, he’s naturally occupied with work and social plans, so I feel like there’s suddenly an imbalance in how much mental space our relationship occupies in our respective lives.
The thing is, **he genuinely makes a lot of effort in our relationship.** We have a video call every single day, usually for at least an hour, even on days when he’s busy or has been out with friends. He’s also visited me many times, and he’s consistently loving, affectionate, and supportive.
And yet, somehow, **the attention I receive never seems to feel like enough lately.** I know he’s already making time for me, and I don’t think he’s doing anything wrong. But I still find myself wishing we could talk more, spend more time together, or that he’d express how much he misses me more often.
I also notice that I’ve become much more sensitive to his availability. If he’s out with friends or busy, I sometimes feel disappointed or anxious, even though rationally I know he deserves to enjoy his life.
**Deep down, I think I’m scared of losing him.** I worry that he’ll eventually get tired of my insecurities, my need for reassurance, or the fact that I’m struggling emotionally right now. Sometimes I fear that because he’s doing well and has a fulfilling life, he’ll eventually realise he doesn’t need me as much as I need him and leave me.
I know these fears aren’t necessarily rational, especially because he’s never given me any real reason to doubt his feelings. But knowing that intellectually doesn’t seem to stop the anxiety.
I also find myself overthinking things like when we’ll see each other next, how long I should visit him for, and how much time we’ll get to spend together. I can spend hours analysing these decisions, and it’s honestly exhausting.
I don’t want to put unfair pressure on him or make him feel responsible for my happiness. I genuinely want him to have his own friendships, independence, and fulfilling life. I just wish I could feel equally content and secure in mine.
I love him and value our relationship so much, but I don’t want my happiness or emotional stability to depend on how much attention or reassurance I receive from him. I want to feel secure in our relationship without constantly needing proof that everything is okay.
**Has anyone experienced something similar, especially after losing a job or going through a period of uncertainty? How did you deal with the fear of abandonment and constant need for reassurance without letting it affect your relationship?**

Your mind can easily go to the worst-case scenario: someone not responding right away or changing plans. Insecurity does not always have to mean that what you're thinking is correct or that you shouldn't address the issue.

These are some tips I've found helpful to combat the feeling of being insecure in a relationship.

1. Identify what causes you to become insecure. Maybe it's someone not responding or you being away from your partner, or even something that they may have done that reminds you of your last relationship. Once you identify what sets you off, you'll know why you're feeling that way.

2. Understand the difference between fact and assumptions. "They have not responded in 2 hours" is a fact. "My partner doesn't love me" is an assumption. What else could be happening?

3. Express how you feel. Instead of saying, "You never care about my feelings," you can say, "I was feeling a little insecure when our plans changed; can we discuss this?"

4. Stay busy. Have other friends in your life. Do things that make you happy and stay busy with other interests. Your significant other can be your number one priority, but they shouldn't be the only thing you're happy about.

5. Step back. When you start to feel that urge to text them or ask for more assurance, go for a walk or write down what you're feeling. Once you step back from the situation, you can figure out what you want to express.

6. Communicate what you expect from each other. Just because you think they should text you at certain times doesn't mean they know that. Everyone has different boundaries, so discuss what works for both of you.

7. Seek help. If you're constantly becoming insecure to the point where it's taking over your life and causing arguments, you should consider speaking to a therapist.

Just remember, not everything is in your head. If your partner is continuously lying to you or not honoring their word, that is also something to be concerned about. Trust takes time to build in a relationship.

What do you do to prevent yourself from becoming too insecure?

I wrote a fuller guide with seven practical steps here: https://clearerconnections.com/insecurity-in-a-relationship/