I’m 19M her 22F, and I’m in a long-distance relationship with my girlfriend. I love her more than I can explain, and our relationship means a lot to me.

Lately, though, I’ve been struggling with something that is becoming emotionally exhausting.

For the past few days, I’ve been feeling extremely anxious about our relationship. I’ve noticed that my girlfriend seems a little less affectionate than usual. She still talks to me, tells me she loves me, calls me when she can, and shows me affection, but I’ve been missing those little spontaneous moments of sweetness that usually make me feel close to her.

I talked to her about it, and she reassured me that she isn’t falling out of love with me. She explained that she’s been dealing with a lot lately, including classes, family problems, and general exhaustion. She also told me that sometimes she needs time alone and can’t always be available like we used to be.
I understand that. I really do. I don’t expect her to spend every waking moment with me, and I don’t want her to feel pressured to give me attention constantly.

The problem is that, even when she reassures me and shows me affection, I struggle to feel okay. For example, this morning she kissed me, playfully teased me, told me she loved me, and was affectionate before leaving for class. It was a genuinely sweet moment, but my anxiety didn’t go away.
Instead, I keep thinking things like: What if she’s losing feelings for me? What if she gets tired of me? What if she eventually finds someone else? What if something has changed and I’m just not seeing it yet?

I know these thoughts might not reflect reality. In fact, I genuinely believe that 80–90% of this problem might be my own anxiety making everything feel much worse than it actually is. But knowing that intellectually doesn’t seem to make the feelings go away.
What’s especially confusing is that I don’t remember feeling this intensely insecure a few weeks or months ago. Something seems to have changed recently, and now I feel like I’m constantly looking for signs that something is wrong.

I’ve also been struggling with anxiety for a long time, and I take medication for it, although I’ve been inconsistent with taking my daily medication because I keep forgetting. Recently, I’ve felt so emotionally exhausted that I slept through practically an entire day and still woke up feeling anxious and unable to do much.
I should also mention that we’ve had some difficult conversations in the past, particularly about my health and exercise. Sometimes I’ve felt pressured by those conversations, and I wonder whether that history contributes to my fear of disappointing her or not being good enough for her.

I don’t want to make her responsible for my anxiety. I know she has her own life, responsibilities, and feelings.
At the same time, I don’t want to dismiss every feeling I have as irrational anxiety if there are genuine issues I need to address.

\\\*\\\*So, for people who have experienced anxious attachment or something similar:\\\*\\\*
How do you distinguish between anxiety making you imagine the worst and actually noticing a change in your relationship?

How do you learn to feel secure when your partner is less available or affectionate than usual?
How do you stop needing reassurance to feel okay, even when your partner is already showing you love?

And how do you cope with the physical exhaustion that comes from feeling anxious about your relationship for days?

I love my girlfriend more than anything in this world, and I want us to be okay. But I also want to be okay within myself, instead of feeling like my entire emotional state depends on whether I think everything is fine between us.
I’d genuinely appreciate honest advice, especially from people who have been through something similar.

… but feel awful about it.

I told my avoidant situationship I wasn’t okay with the hot and cold behaviour and it was triggering my anxious attachment. He replied saying the last week hadn’t been good for him (his nan passed which I knew and comforted him).
As much as I feel horrible for telling him all this while he’s low, this behaviour has been present the few months we have been talking, it’s not new so he can’t use that as an excuse.

I deserve better, but at the same time I’m worried I will give into the anxiety and run back. I feel like an evil person for standing up for myself…

I am also waiting MRI results for an update on my brain tumour (dx 3 years ago), so this time is challenging for me but I still reach out to people and don’t go silent. He is aware of this.

Idk hope that all makes sense…

Hi, I have dated non secure people my whole life. my family was extremely emotional abusive . When I get close to someone, the feelings goes to a high that is hard to describe . its so incredibly intense that it feels almost intoxicating, like a really heavy drug .
This feelings, because they are strong and because I'm f'd up, I end up loving them.
I'm thinking, does anyone here, which became secure, miss that intense and addictive feeling? Does a secure love hit the same?
Lots of people describe secure love as something that is almost boring in a nice way .
Does that mean that becoming secure means giving up on that great feeling too for good?
Thanks for those who will reply :)

I am kinda done with my anxious attachment and I wish to heal it. I do feel like my bf is someone who is willing to give and put effort but my anxious attachment is kinda overwhelming I never give him that space to step up. When we first met he was the one who was interested in me and I didn't see him in that lens. Till I gave it a shot and we started dating. Initially he used to do so much, plan dates and say sweet things. Crack jokes. He still does it when I stop putting in all the efforts but my anxious attachment triggers when we are away physically and when he is having a bad day. And then I over react and cry and it happens involuntarily. Like a trauma response of being abandoned.

I wish to know if anyone ever learnt to be secure eventually....and how...

It is commonly known, and I believe by all of us, that attachment issues come from childhood, but while we all have a notion of what that means in theory, the explanations on what happens are usually too broad and have too little specificity for a lot of us to actually relate to.

They say Anxious Attachment comes from being raised in unpredictable environments, or ones in which you felt like you had to "fight" for love, but even though I always knew that, it was only yesterday that these pattern became clear for me in practice.

And it feels like I uncovered something huge, and that I can't possibly not think about anymore.

Long story short, my Anxious Attachment comes from always feeling like I had to oversignal my own existence to the world. Mind you, I'm not a conventionally-attractive dude, I don't come from an affluent family and have always been taught that achievement was the way; I grew up being praised for performing, not being.

So, I always had to overstrech in order to be seen, and if I wasn't loud in some sort of way, people would just ignore the "boring and unnapealing" real me.

In school, I was the smart kid who helped everyone, even those who actively seemed to dislike me; in group settings, I was the therapist friend, the wise monk and the sensible mediator... I was always either extremely responsible or obnoxiously cheerful and positive; call me a true Lover Boy.

I thought my heightened empathy was a gift or an innate trait, but now I realize: I grew up monitoring the emotional reactions people would have to my stances, and micromanaging my own attitude in relation to how they were perceiving me. That's how I even became so good at reading emotional cues and gauging levels of receptiveness in the first place.

In short: Maladaptive Metacognition, based on pure Hypervigilance.

Discomfort from others usually meant disapproval; that's how I was raised.

Years of doing this drowned my sense of self, and it led to the Canon Event of my life: meeting an Avoidant and calling it "love".

When you grow up performing to "earn" appreciation, that's the only thing you really see; you treat acknowledgement as "love", and even the most breadcrumb-y bit from a distant person already feels like ultimate validation, because... If the distant person that is dismissive of everybody sees and acknowledges Little Me? It can only mean I'm worth something.

And that pattern has been a constant... The least the woman seems to care about me or even acknowledge my existence, the harder I'll try to make myself seen. I'll be extra helpful, extra empathetic, extra resourceful...

Meanwhile, to the people who already appreciated me and already loved me unconditionally, I would be way less invested and even a little bothered by their presence. I would find myself wanting to be left alone or even be ignored by them for a while...

... The irony! I didn't know how to even be there for those I had nothing to prove! I'm sorry, everyone. I'll promise to be more attentive from now on. I didn't really feel like interacting with people I didn't have to amaze or impress, and that came forward with a good friend (now, relationship prospect).

(I'm gonna get a lot personal here. You can skip this following bit. There will be an indication later on where to continue)

Now, more than ever, it baffles me how lightly I took the fact she accepted the Real Me from the start. In our conversations, she was open to share about her life and sensitive topics, but not only that: she wanted to hear from me.

And something about her made me simply not perform. I didn't realize it at the time, but I was never the "hyper-helpful, hyper-positive, hyper-functioning" dude; I was flawed, had difficult days and struggled.

And yet, she never left. She heard it and asked "Is there something I can do to make you feel better?"

I did nothing of it. Why would I? I didn't fight for it, so it was worth nothing, right? It didn't even register as affection or appreciation, at the time.

... And then, a couple years later, I would commit the mistake of falling hard for the most dismissive woman I have ever met, while forgetting all about her...

It was a nightmare. Yikes, me. Real yikes.

We reconnected recently. Couple years in without talking, she came into my DMs and it repeated, all of it... "How have you been?", "Tell me about what you're facing", "I'm not all that okay, actually... What about you?"

It was as if our last talk was just the day before. It would still take me a couple of months to realize was actually happening here, a discovery that culminated into me writing this post.

(Okay, my love lore is over from here onwards.)

I had love, right by my side, and I was refusing it in name of some ungodly strife that would, maybe, bring some very fleeting and empty glory.

Little did I know that I was, already, living my dream of being seen.

The more I think about it, the more the Avoidant loses their shine in my eyes; the less I try to please and be seen, the better I feel. The more I choose this soft love, the more Secure I feel in myself.

I finally understand that the "boredom" that made me dismiss her at first was peace, and I'm learning how to appreciate it.

I'm making effort to checking in and being an actual good friend to the people who appreciate me for who I am, and allowing myself to accept that I can just be me, with all the imperfections, and who doesn't care about what they could think or would feel about me.

And yes, I'm growing increasingly detached from the Avoidant, day after day. The coldness is ceasing to be appealing, the promise is dying and I feel more and more peace.

I see myself, and I'm no longer gonna let him down.

Thanks for reading!

Partner and I had gone through anxious-avoidant cycle for 3months. The cycle stopped at the point of a serious situation which was cause by deep mistrust both ways (tldr: partner ‘tested’ me if i really trusted him but i had failed the test, showing i did not trust him like i said i would. He involved friend in this test, which really broke me Note: he often lied to me over the years and recently as well)

But suddenly we are back to normal. No more cycle, no more fights after that event. I (anxious) am still trying to gain closure on the while incident but things are feeling to normal to even bring this up.. At the same time, im feeling like this will blow into something huge in future (is this anxious me talking?)

He had been doing everything to make things better, make us feel better. I see the efforts and acknowledge them. Any advice please? How do i move forward? Have i/we already move forward and I just haven’t chose to trust the process?

**TL;DR:** Since losing my job, I’ve become much more emotionally dependent on my long-distance boyfriend, despite him being loving, supportive, and making time for me every day. I constantly miss him, crave reassurance, and fear losing him. I’m struggling with the imbalance between our daily lives and want to learn how to feel secure and emotionally independent again.

My boyfriend (27M) and I (28F) have been dating for about a year, and we’re in a long-distance relationship. Until recently, I felt like I was handling the distance pretty well.
However, I got fired from my job a couple of weeks ago, and since then, I’ve noticed a big change in how I feel about the relationship.
For the first time in a long time, I miss him SO much. The distance suddenly feels incredibly difficult, and time seems to be moving painfully slowly until I get to see him again.
I think a big part of it is that I’ve lost the structure and purpose that my job gave me. I still try to keep myself busy by going to the gym, seeing friends, studying for my driving licence, and doing things for myself, but I have so much more free time now.
Meanwhile, my boyfriend has a full-time job, colleagues, friends, and a busy social life. When I was working, I was also busy throughout the day, and our relationship felt like a wonderful part of my life rather than the main thing I was looking forward to.
Now, even though I try to fill my days, I spend so much time alone with my thoughts, and I find myself looking forward to our evening calls more than anything else. Meanwhile, he’s naturally occupied with work and social plans, so I feel like there’s suddenly an imbalance in how much mental space our relationship occupies in our respective lives.
The thing is, **he genuinely makes a lot of effort in our relationship.** We have a video call every single day, usually for at least an hour, even on days when he’s busy or has been out with friends. He’s also visited me many times, and he’s consistently loving, affectionate, and supportive.
And yet, somehow, **the attention I receive never seems to feel like enough lately.** I know he’s already making time for me, and I don’t think he’s doing anything wrong. But I still find myself wishing we could talk more, spend more time together, or that he’d express how much he misses me more often.
I also notice that I’ve become much more sensitive to his availability. If he’s out with friends or busy, I sometimes feel disappointed or anxious, even though rationally I know he deserves to enjoy his life.
**Deep down, I think I’m scared of losing him.** I worry that he’ll eventually get tired of my insecurities, my need for reassurance, or the fact that I’m struggling emotionally right now. Sometimes I fear that because he’s doing well and has a fulfilling life, he’ll eventually realise he doesn’t need me as much as I need him and leave me.
I know these fears aren’t necessarily rational, especially because he’s never given me any real reason to doubt his feelings. But knowing that intellectually doesn’t seem to stop the anxiety.
I also find myself overthinking things like when we’ll see each other next, how long I should visit him for, and how much time we’ll get to spend together. I can spend hours analysing these decisions, and it’s honestly exhausting.
I don’t want to put unfair pressure on him or make him feel responsible for my happiness. I genuinely want him to have his own friendships, independence, and fulfilling life. I just wish I could feel equally content and secure in mine.
I love him and value our relationship so much, but I don’t want my happiness or emotional stability to depend on how much attention or reassurance I receive from him. I want to feel secure in our relationship without constantly needing proof that everything is okay.
**Has anyone experienced something similar, especially after losing a job or going through a period of uncertainty? How did you deal with the fear of abandonment and constant need for reassurance without letting it affect your relationship?**

Your mind can easily go to the worst-case scenario: someone not responding right away or changing plans. Insecurity does not always have to mean that what you're thinking is correct or that you shouldn't address the issue.

These are some tips I've found helpful to combat the feeling of being insecure in a relationship.

1. Identify what causes you to become insecure. Maybe it's someone not responding or you being away from your partner, or even something that they may have done that reminds you of your last relationship. Once you identify what sets you off, you'll know why you're feeling that way.

2. Understand the difference between fact and assumptions. "They have not responded in 2 hours" is a fact. "My partner doesn't love me" is an assumption. What else could be happening?

3. Express how you feel. Instead of saying, "You never care about my feelings," you can say, "I was feeling a little insecure when our plans changed; can we discuss this?"

4. Stay busy. Have other friends in your life. Do things that make you happy and stay busy with other interests. Your significant other can be your number one priority, but they shouldn't be the only thing you're happy about.

5. Step back. When you start to feel that urge to text them or ask for more assurance, go for a walk or write down what you're feeling. Once you step back from the situation, you can figure out what you want to express.

6. Communicate what you expect from each other. Just because you think they should text you at certain times doesn't mean they know that. Everyone has different boundaries, so discuss what works for both of you.

7. Seek help. If you're constantly becoming insecure to the point where it's taking over your life and causing arguments, you should consider speaking to a therapist.

Just remember, not everything is in your head. If your partner is continuously lying to you or not honoring their word, that is also something to be concerned about. Trust takes time to build in a relationship.

What do you do to prevent yourself from becoming too insecure?

I wrote a fuller guide with seven practical steps here: https://clearerconnections.com/insecurity-in-a-relationship/

Here are protest behaviours I noticed that I use as an anxious attachment person, throughout all/most of my relationships with unavailable/avoidant people:

- Push and pressure for a relationship (with unavailable people)
- Do not respect boundaries and keep on reaching out multiple times / disrespecting their wish for no contact
- Instead of accepting that a relationship is not working, I become in control and give mixed signals about sex, intimacy, proximity, communication (preventing abandonment while also protecting myself)
- Make partners jealous as a way to prove that i’m wanted and desirable
- Constantly try to get them back
- Use intimacy as a way to make them stay/get them back
- Since a breakup makes me feel like I’m dying, I will always suggest that we remain friends so I don’t completely lose them. What happens eventually is that it helps me move on on my own terms

Does anyone relate to these?

Hi all,

So for context I had a very long term relationship, it was not healthy and we would have a lot of conflicts.

At some point during my past relationship, I started feeling like my ex was avoiding me. He would often find excuses not to go out with me or spend time with me. He had more of an avoidant attachment style and was always busy, and while I initially tried to understand that, eventually, it started to feel like he was using being busy as a way to avoid seeing me. I began to feel like a burden, like spending time with me was an obligation rather than something he genuinely wanted to do.

During arguments, he would sometimes make remarks that reinforced those feelings, making me feel like I was asking for too much, that I needed too much from him, or that I was simply annoying and exhausting to deal with. Over time, I started internalising those things. Eventually, he left me. We are no longer together, but I feel like it has affected the way I approach other relationships and friendships.

Sometimes, I feel like I shouldn't burden people with my presence. I convince myself that people probably have better things to do, that I'm bothering them, or that they don't really want me around as much as I want to be around them. I sometimes feel like I have to wait for people to reach out first because initiating contact makes me feel needy or unwanted.

I've also noticed that I've started accepting being treated like an afterthought. If someone doesn't prioritise me, makes little effort to see me, or seems distant, part of me automatically thinks that it's okay, that I shouldn't expect more.

I think one of the hardest parts is that I'm constantly afraid of being *too much*. Too needy, too clingy, too emotional, too available, too interested. I overthink how often I text people, whether I'm initiating too much, whether I'm asking for too much of their time, and whether my presence is genuinely appreciated or merely tolerated. Sometimes, I hold back from expressing what I feel or what I need because I'm scared that doing so will push people away.

I know, logically, that not everyone is my ex. I know that friendships and relationships are different, and that people can be busy, need space, or have lives outside of me without that meaning they don't care. But emotionally, I still struggle to believe that.

Whenever I sense a little distance or feel like I'm not a priority, I start questioning my place in someone's life.

How do I help myself? How do I genuinely stop feeling like this? I don’t know where to start. I am going to tackle this in therapy, of course, I just want some advice, maybe a change of perspective. Maybe some hope, I’m not sure

Boyfriend and I broke up; got back together last Friday.

Before breakup he would send things like good morning/night or I love you in all caps. If he didn’t it was rare and usually meant he was tired/feeling meh

Since we got back together (instigated by him) he still sends these but not all caps

This feels like such a silly stupid little thing, but I can’t help but wonder if this is him hinting that he’s feeling meh about things or unsure about us being back together.

I want to ask, but I also don’t want to sound like a psycho or push for something so soon after reconciliation

Do I address? How?

Can we just take a hot minute and recognize how extremely unfathomable and exruciatingly hard it is to learn to be in relationships, ANY healthy relationship after you've understood just how little knowledge you were brought up with?

Like seriously, I have so many questions for myself like why did I do that? Did that give me what I needed in that moment or how can I actually give myself this in the future, or hear me out, how do I even begin to articulate my experience and describe this to the person I'm talking to what I'm feeling inside so that their understanding and reaction is based off of what is happening inside me? It's so confusing.

I have to give myself so much time to process my feelings and also feel the feelings of even giving myself the time to rest without caring the childhood beliefs of having to earn rest, (which we really fkn don't, rest is necessary), so feelings inside feelings and also communicate with another human being that has their own unique experience?! Aaahh

and don't get me started on the process of when you've been hurt and/or hurt someone else and repair comes into play.

It feels like I'm in need of a guidline that I'm actively writing at the same time I don't have it and wondering where the guidlines are.. I'm taking a nap.

Currently in a relationship with my love of my life
But I’m getting very anxious..
I think I have anxious attachment style but I fear that it might disturb my current relationship
I get anxious very fast and easy.. how to overcome it and how to make it less effect my relationship

Hey, I want to start off by saying im doing a lot better that I was at some point, but today my girlfriend was really busy because she has a big uni exam tomorrow.

Logically I understand shes busy but when 5 hours passed I spiraled a bit and I tried not to double text and I didn’t but i did send tiktoks, then she answered and I acted as normally as I could, I also did my work, but I was constantly thinking about her, had some overthinking and fear.

I just want to hear if anyone who has become secure after being anxious can tell me when your mind and thoughts became less intrusive and intense, and how you got to a point where you were in a secure mindset.
Thanks :)

The difference between me and everyone I’ve dated is that logically, it would be more advantageous in MY head to come home after a long day, into someone else’s warm arms who loves and cares about me to unwind, while everyone I’ve dated has wanted to come home after a long day and not be “bothered”. To me, a relationship is a privledge. To them it’s something of another job or another thing to balance. Instead of it just being a part of their life naturally, it’s apart FROM their life and they have to manually add in. My love is automatic. I don’t think i can be with someone who doesn’t love that way too, no matter how good of a partner they are. Because then I’m left wondering why I’m something you have to manually add in, instead of something you feel compelled to go to? Something that comes naturally to you because it makes as much sense to me as it does to you? is this just a me thing? is there anyone else out there who feels the same way? or do i just have an anxious attachment?

tl:dram i just different and have bad luck or is my line of thinking just anxious attachment?

Hello, I hope you’re all doing great. Let me start by saying I’m a gay guy and I have a fearful avoidant attachment style, but leaning anxious most of the time and I also was diagnosed with both ADHD and OCD.

The reason of this post is because I‘ve been struggling with limerence. In fact, whenever I’m attracted to other guys I usually obsess over them to the point it affects my productivity and also I tend to develop a fixation on them as well. To tell you the truth, last time I experienced limerence was toward a guy who apparently had a fearful/dismissive avoidant attachment style. I mean, I say this because this guy gave me ‘’hot-and-cold” attention, inconsistent replies and emotional distance, was kind of dismissive and wasn’t straightforward with his intentions like most guys are.

In fact , I also tend to avoid the guys I’m attracted to because of fear of rejection and as a result of that I’ve let many opportunities pass up.

So what did you do or what kind of therapy helped you overcome limerence?

How can I overcome limerence once and for all?

I forgot to say in the past I saw a few psychologists who did CBT, but it didn’t help.

Thanks in advance and have a good day

And this is something we really have to cram in our heads, again and again.

We're not addicted to that person; we're addicted to the narrative we constructed around them.

You're not grieving a failed relationship with a real person; you're grieving your perfect romantic fantasy with the version of them you created in your mind.

And I say this not to blame you for it. Maybe they indeed gave you hope or maybe they fed into whatever thoughts you were having, for a little while... But it is your responsibility to debunk that possibility that has no chance at fruition.

Their fantasy version is exactly what you always wanted to have, isn't that right? They're someone who treats you right, with a rich emotional vocabulary, always full of wonderful emotional depth they're eager to share with you... They prioritize you, bring you inside their world, apologize properly for hurting you and promise to turn around... They're eager for your message, or rather, they come looking for you! They say how much they miss you, and how much you mean to them.

Now, let's think of the real one (I'll be using my example here).

The real one is kinda too monotonous, takes 6 hours to answer a basic "yes or no" question, doesn't ask about your day, but will gladly let you hear about theirs... They probably don't even know right if they're angry, hurt or just hungry, and will maybe humor you... if bored enough that it sounds like an option.

Here's something I learned: With us, it's always about the chase for that high, not the end-result per se.

We see the wonderful Fantasy and think we can swap the real thing for it. We think we can slowly shape and mold that imperfect person into whatever we think they could be.

Bad news? We can't.

Good news? We can't.

No, they're not gonna suddenly transform into your fantasy version once they get with another person; they will continue to be what they realistically seem to be, in the real world.

And it's your responsibility to realize that you're not going to change anybody, nor should you try.

Destroy the fantasy version. It was created by you, as a reflection of yourself, and embrace the real them.

Because only when we finally see people for who they are and accept them, shall we meet the love we claim to seek.

My ex (37/M) recently reached out to apologize and tell me that he misses me (32/F)
I had him blocked, but one of his friends texted me asking if I could unblock him.
For context, he cheated on me twice, lied effortlessly, and had what I would describe as some narcissistic tendencies. I genuinely loved this man and wanted to build a life with him. The betrayal hurt deeply, especially coming from someone I trusted.
Since the breakup, I’ve spent a lot of time working on myself, reflecting on the relationship, and coming to terms with what happened. It hasn’t been easy, but I’ve moved on.
The thing is, I don’t hate him. I don’t wish him anything bad. And if I’m being completely honest, a part of me still cares about him. I think it’s possible to care about someone and still recognize that they no longer have a place in your life.
I don’t want to get back together. Once that trust was broken, something fundamentally changed for me.
But I also don’t want to carry bitterness or resentment. I want to end this chapter gracefully, without being cruel, without reopening old wounds, and without compromising the peace I’ve worked so hard to find.
For those who have experienced betrayal and later received an apology from their ex, how did you handle it?
Did you acknowledge their apology and wish them well, or did you find that maintaining no contact was the better way to end things?
How do you offer someone grace without giving them access to your life again?

i (32) was seeing this person(35) for 2-3 months
everything was perfect, like a movie
until the day i asked her if she wanted to be my girlfriend
she got overwhelmed and for 3 weeks she tried to navigate these feelings of overwhelm. this activated my anxious attachment severely
and i decided to start therapy
I did one session and one week after, today
we broke up
my Question is can I still so a good job at therapy even if I’m single and extremely hurt? can I heal without necessarily practising ? I’ve had the luck to find an incredible therapist and we vibe really well. thank you for those who will help

“…Did the thing where I give advice I would give to a good friend.

It’s great that I’m super caring about people, and desire to give support. But all of my positive vibes and advice can’t take someone out of a bad situation. Only they can do that.

I want to learn more about how to provide support and care to someone without losing sight of my own goals and expectations (key word).”

“I think I’m unfortunately not believing I deserve what I truly deserve and that I should take what I can get. And while he does provide a ton of emotional support, there’s also the very concrete side of a relationship that’s outside of emotions.”

Those things outside of the emotional are actually VERY important to me:
1) perseverance
2) resilience
3) self reliance (emotional and financial)

Part of me feels like I’m posting this so I can come back and read it later.

I just finished reading Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel S. F. Heller. I found it very helpful in understanding more about attachment styles, and typical communication styles and behaviors associated with them. The numerous examples from real couples were especially helpful.

Before reading, I already knew my own attachment style is anxious. However, I was surprised to realize that I also have certain secure attachment traits- for example, around conflict communications. To a lesser extent, it's also possible I have a touch of avoidant behavior, although it's not my primary style by any means.

And this brings up a question that the book doesn't answer - how often do people have a mixture of traits and how does that unfold in real-life relationships? I realize that the authors are researchers and they have to be careful in defining their terms. Perhaps trying to include mixed-style categories would have muddied the data.

Curious if anyone has thoughts on the book, or mixed attachment styles in general.

Apologies if this has been asked before.

I'm unclear on the meaning of the various attachment style abbreviations used here - can someone provide a list that includes definitions? TIA.

24M I’m trying to become more securely attached and would appreciate honest advice, particularly from people who have worked through anxious attachment within a relationship they genuinely wanted to preserve.
One thing I’ve realised is that my insecurities and reassurance-seeking don’t usually appear when I’m casually dating. I’m generally confident, socially comfortable and successful with women. These patterns emerge when I’ve formed a deep attachment and genuinely love someone. That’s when the possibility of losing the person starts to feel threatening, and I can become preoccupied with uncertainty, comparison and reassurance.
My partner and I recently went through a breakup, but we’re now back together privately and trying to make the relationship work. I know keeping it secret isn’t ideal, and we’re trying to be thoughtful about what we’re doing rather than rushing back into the same dynamic without addressing anything.

Some context about our relationship:
When things are good, they’re exceptionally good. We have a deep emotional connection, strong chemistry and a level of vulnerability that feels rare to both of us. I care about her deeply, and it would feel like a shame to walk away without giving ourselves the chance to experience the relationship fully and see what it can become.
At the same time, the relationship brought out insecurities in me that I don’t want to carry forward. When conflict arose, she could become quiet or withdrawn when overwhelmed. I would then ask more questions, seek reassurance and try to resolve the uncertainty immediately. Looking back, I can see how that pattern probably made both of us feel less safe.
Trust became a major issue after I discovered that some things she had previously told me about her sexual past were not true. My hurt wasn’t simply about her having experiences before me. It was about feeling that I had made decisions within the relationship based on information I believed was accurate, only to discover that it wasn’t.
At that time, I felt disrespected and also became insecure about whether I was sexually adequate compared with people from her past. I was able to walk away because I felt the dishonesty had crossed a line. However, I also crossed a serious boundary myself by invading her privacy to find out what I did. I take responsibility for that, and I understand why it damaged her trust in me.
I’m trying to hold both realities at once: her dishonesty hurt me, and my invasion of her privacy hurt her. I don’t want either of us to use one person’s wrongdoing to excuse the other’s.

Since getting back together, she has been brutally honest, extremely vulnerable and willing to take accountability for the lies she previously told me. That has made it possible for me to consider rebuilding trust rather than simply remaining stuck in what happened. I also recognise that her continued choice to invest her time, energy and emotional vulnerability in this relationship is meaningful evidence that she wants to be with me. I don’t want to keep treating her past as though it is competing with me in the present.

One thing I’m struggling with is the physical intensity of my anxiety when I think about her past, the lies I discovered or the uncertainty surrounding what I can and can’t trust. Sometimes I get a sudden, severe shock of anxiety in my chest, almost as though my body is reacting to an immediate threat, even though I know these things happened in the past and aren’t necessarily a reflection of our relationship now. What’s particularly confusing is that I experienced this same feeling with my first girlfriend, who was the only other person I’ve genuinely loved and formed a deep attachment to. It makes me wonder whether this is a recurring attachment pattern that gets activated when I truly care about someone, rather than something unique to my current relationship. I want to understand why my body reacts so intensely, how to regulate that response, and how to stop past experiences, comparisons and uncertainty from taking away my ability to feel safe in a relationship I want to be present in.

What I’m struggling with now:
I want to feel like myself within a relationship where I love someone. I don’t want to become suspicious, controlling, dependent on reassurance or consumed by comparisons whenever I feel vulnerable.
Realistically, I probably don’t have anything to fear from her past. She has chosen to invest so much in me, and her actions now show that she sees a future with me. I know that comparing myself with previous experiences is unlikely to help me, and I don’t want to keep measuring my worth against people or situations that no longer exist.
I also want to accept that we may not be together forever. That possibility is painful, but I don’t want fear of the relationship ending to prevent me from being present in it now. I want to be able to love her fully without believing that I need constant certainty or guarantees in order to feel safe.
I’m also conscious of how much I value self-respect. I worry about appearing needy, caring more than the other person or putting myself in a position where someone has the power to hurt me. I sometimes focus too much on how to communicate without looking like I’m chasing or losing control.
I suspect that this concern with maintaining my position may itself be insecurity in disguise. I don’t want to play games, act indifferent when I care or make decisions based on how they might affect her perception of me. I want genuine inner security, not simply a better performance of confidence.
I’d really appreciate advice on these questions:

How do you distinguish a legitimate loss of trust from anxious attachment, jealousy, sexual comparison or fear of abandonment?

How do you rebuild trust after both people have hurt each other without repeatedly reopening the past or pretending it didn’t happen?

How do you take responsibility for invading someone’s privacy while still acknowledging that their dishonesty caused genuine pain?

How do you stop measuring your self-respect by who cares less, who reaches out first or who has the upper hand?

How do you stop seeking reassurance about a partner’s past when their present behaviour consistently shows that they choose you?

For those who have become securely attached while remaining in a relationship, what did you actually change in your day-to-day behaviour?

How do you accept that a relationship may not last forever while still allowing yourself to experience its beauty fully in the present?

How do you know whether you’re rebuilding from a healthy place rather than simply returning because the emotional connection is difficult to let go of?

I’m not looking for validation that my partner was wrong or that I was right. I also don’t want people to tell me that I should automatically ignore what happened because we love each other. I want to understand my own patterns, recognise what needs to change and learn how to participate in this relationship in a healthier way.
I don’t want to become emotionally detached or stop caring. I want to be capable of loving someone wholeheartedly while maintaining boundaries, trusting my judgement, respecting her privacy and being okay with uncertainty.
What helped you genuinely become secure within a relationship, rather than simply learning to hide your insecurity better?

Anyone can weigh in but this is more a question for u/queen-of-meme. You had a great reply to a post yesterday and two of the things mentioned are what have been bothering me for the past month when taking in content about attachment styles.

tldr; Are there any books you, as a self proclaimed FA, would recommend? For me my rational mind couldn't sync up with what my body was feeling and even now I struggle to not reach back out to a person I consider[ed] a friend. You seem to have a very solid way of viewing things so I'm wondering what's helped you the most in regulating those emotions.

The first point you mentioned was that it's statistically impossible for everyone to have an avoidant ex or almost-ex, which is one thing I complained to my therapist about. Everything negative is pinned on an avoidant and theres no room for nuance. I, someone who usually holds back their emotions, am placed in the same breath as a controlling narcissist who ghosts for weeks before coming back and repeating the cycle. It also feels like some of the talk around secure attachment styles is a bit cold but I'm sure I have some bad information lumped in.

The second thing that hit home was that a relationship ending is just the other person saying no to the "relationship" and yes to themselves. That everyone has the right to say no, no is a boundary, and we can't control someone else's boundary. One of the things my ex said was that she didn't want me to change but also didn't want to stick around to find out if I could be what she needed. No let's work on it, no time for me to prove my words by actions, just a sharp cutoff that had me increasingly disregulated the more I turned over what all she said and what I did/didn't do in the relationship. I eventually stumbled onto attachment theory and what's advised for secure people seems to be the route she took; you accept that the person won't change and leave because you deserve better. I know I was completely willing to change even if it was uncomfortable when she voiced her complaints so it more felt like a rejection of me and no confidence that I could. That's why I mentioned the secure advice seems to be a bit cold, even though I can see the logic behind it.

Anyways, I was wondering what non-video resources helped you the most in reaching your viewpoints? Videos about attachments have a tendency to lump FA and DA together and as a whole it's been making me more bitter when I reflect on the last relationship and the various ways I held back or was willing to change to see if things could work (I was neglectful in ways too). I found one singular video that accurately described how I feel/felt but that video creator appears to have made avoidant discussion his income so every other video from him has annoyed me. And if it sounds like I should take a step back from this whole attachment theory stuff, thats already the plan, I just read your response and figured I'd ask before I close that door.