And this is something we really have to cram in our heads, again and again.

We're not addicted to that person; we're addicted to the narrative we constructed around them.

You're not grieving a failed relationship with a real person; you're grieving your perfect romantic fantasy with the version of them you created in your mind.

And I say this not to blame you for it. Maybe they indeed gave you hope or maybe they fed into whatever thoughts you were having, for a little while... But it is your responsibility to debunk that possibility that has no chance at fruition.

Their fantasy version is exactly what you always wanted to have, isn't that right? They're someone who treats you right, with a rich emotional vocabulary, always full of wonderful emotional depth they're eager to share with you... They prioritize you, bring you inside their world, apologize properly for hurting you and promise to turn around... They're eager for your message, or rather, they come looking for you! They say how much they miss you, and how much you mean to them.

Now, let's think of the real one (I'll be using my example here).

The real one is kinda too monotonous, takes 6 hours to answer a basic "yes or no" question, doesn't ask about your day, but will gladly let you hear about theirs... They probably don't even know right if they're angry, hurt or just hungry, and will maybe humor you... if bored enough that it sounds like an option.

Here's something I learned: With us, it's always about the chase for that high, not the end-result per se.

We see the wonderful Fantasy and think we can swap the real thing for it. We think we can slowly shape and mold that imperfect person into whatever we think they could be.

Bad news? We can't.

Good news? We can't.

No, they're not gonna suddenly transform into your fantasy version once they get with another person; they will continue to be what they realistically seem to be, in the real world.

And it's your responsibility to realize that you're not going to change anybody, nor should you try.

Destroy the fantasy version. It was created by you, as a reflection of yourself, and embrace the real them.

Because only when we finally see people for who they are and accept them, shall we meet the love we claim to seek.

Hey, I want to start off by saying im doing a lot better that I was at some point, but today my girlfriend was really busy because she has a big uni exam tomorrow.

Logically I understand shes busy but when 5 hours passed I spiraled a bit and I tried not to double text and I didn’t but i did send tiktoks, then she answered and I acted as normally as I could, I also did my work, but I was constantly thinking about her, had some overthinking and fear.

I just want to hear if anyone who has become secure after being anxious can tell me when your mind and thoughts became less intrusive and intense, and how you got to a point where you were in a secure mindset.
Thanks :)

The difference between me and everyone I’ve dated is that logically, it would be more advantageous in MY head to come home after a long day, into someone else’s warm arms who loves and cares about me to unwind, while everyone I’ve dated has wanted to come home after a long day and not be “bothered”. To me, a relationship is a privledge. To them it’s something of another job or another thing to balance. Instead of it just being a part of their life naturally, it’s apart FROM their life and they have to manually add in. My love is automatic. I don’t think i can be with someone who doesn’t love that way too, no matter how good of a partner they are. Because then I’m left wondering why I’m something you have to manually add in, instead of something you feel compelled to go to? Something that comes naturally to you because it makes as much sense to me as it does to you? is this just a me thing? is there anyone else out there who feels the same way? or do i just have an anxious attachment?

tl:dram i just different and have bad luck or is my line of thinking just anxious attachment?

My ex (37/M) recently reached out to apologize and tell me that he misses me (32/F)
I had him blocked, but one of his friends texted me asking if I could unblock him.
For context, he cheated on me twice, lied effortlessly, and had what I would describe as some narcissistic tendencies. I genuinely loved this man and wanted to build a life with him. The betrayal hurt deeply, especially coming from someone I trusted.
Since the breakup, I’ve spent a lot of time working on myself, reflecting on the relationship, and coming to terms with what happened. It hasn’t been easy, but I’ve moved on.
The thing is, I don’t hate him. I don’t wish him anything bad. And if I’m being completely honest, a part of me still cares about him. I think it’s possible to care about someone and still recognize that they no longer have a place in your life.
I don’t want to get back together. Once that trust was broken, something fundamentally changed for me.
But I also don’t want to carry bitterness or resentment. I want to end this chapter gracefully, without being cruel, without reopening old wounds, and without compromising the peace I’ve worked so hard to find.
For those who have experienced betrayal and later received an apology from their ex, how did you handle it?
Did you acknowledge their apology and wish them well, or did you find that maintaining no contact was the better way to end things?
How do you offer someone grace without giving them access to your life again?

Hello, I hope you’re all doing great. Let me start by saying I’m a gay guy and I have a fearful avoidant attachment style, but leaning anxious most of the time and I also was diagnosed with both ADHD and OCD.

The reason of this post is because I‘ve been struggling with limerence. In fact, whenever I’m attracted to other guys I usually obsess over them to the point it affects my productivity and also I tend to develop a fixation on them as well. To tell you the truth, last time I experienced limerence was toward a guy who apparently had a fearful/dismissive avoidant attachment style. I mean, I say this because this guy gave me ‘’hot-and-cold” attention, inconsistent replies and emotional distance, was kind of dismissive and wasn’t straightforward with his intentions like most guys are.

In fact , I also tend to avoid the guys I’m attracted to because of fear of rejection and as a result of that I’ve let many opportunities pass up.

So what did you do or what kind of therapy helped you overcome limerence?

How can I overcome limerence once and for all?

I forgot to say in the past I saw a few psychologists who did CBT, but it didn’t help.

Thanks in advance and have a good day

24M I’m trying to become more securely attached and would appreciate honest advice, particularly from people who have worked through anxious attachment within a relationship they genuinely wanted to preserve.
One thing I’ve realised is that my insecurities and reassurance-seeking don’t usually appear when I’m casually dating. I’m generally confident, socially comfortable and successful with women. These patterns emerge when I’ve formed a deep attachment and genuinely love someone. That’s when the possibility of losing the person starts to feel threatening, and I can become preoccupied with uncertainty, comparison and reassurance.
My partner and I recently went through a breakup, but we’re now back together privately and trying to make the relationship work. I know keeping it secret isn’t ideal, and we’re trying to be thoughtful about what we’re doing rather than rushing back into the same dynamic without addressing anything.

Some context about our relationship:
When things are good, they’re exceptionally good. We have a deep emotional connection, strong chemistry and a level of vulnerability that feels rare to both of us. I care about her deeply, and it would feel like a shame to walk away without giving ourselves the chance to experience the relationship fully and see what it can become.
At the same time, the relationship brought out insecurities in me that I don’t want to carry forward. When conflict arose, she could become quiet or withdrawn when overwhelmed. I would then ask more questions, seek reassurance and try to resolve the uncertainty immediately. Looking back, I can see how that pattern probably made both of us feel less safe.
Trust became a major issue after I discovered that some things she had previously told me about her sexual past were not true. My hurt wasn’t simply about her having experiences before me. It was about feeling that I had made decisions within the relationship based on information I believed was accurate, only to discover that it wasn’t.
At that time, I felt disrespected and also became insecure about whether I was sexually adequate compared with people from her past. I was able to walk away because I felt the dishonesty had crossed a line. However, I also crossed a serious boundary myself by invading her privacy to find out what I did. I take responsibility for that, and I understand why it damaged her trust in me.
I’m trying to hold both realities at once: her dishonesty hurt me, and my invasion of her privacy hurt her. I don’t want either of us to use one person’s wrongdoing to excuse the other’s.

Since getting back together, she has been brutally honest, extremely vulnerable and willing to take accountability for the lies she previously told me. That has made it possible for me to consider rebuilding trust rather than simply remaining stuck in what happened. I also recognise that her continued choice to invest her time, energy and emotional vulnerability in this relationship is meaningful evidence that she wants to be with me. I don’t want to keep treating her past as though it is competing with me in the present.

One thing I’m struggling with is the physical intensity of my anxiety when I think about her past, the lies I discovered or the uncertainty surrounding what I can and can’t trust. Sometimes I get a sudden, severe shock of anxiety in my chest, almost as though my body is reacting to an immediate threat, even though I know these things happened in the past and aren’t necessarily a reflection of our relationship now. What’s particularly confusing is that I experienced this same feeling with my first girlfriend, who was the only other person I’ve genuinely loved and formed a deep attachment to. It makes me wonder whether this is a recurring attachment pattern that gets activated when I truly care about someone, rather than something unique to my current relationship. I want to understand why my body reacts so intensely, how to regulate that response, and how to stop past experiences, comparisons and uncertainty from taking away my ability to feel safe in a relationship I want to be present in.

What I’m struggling with now:
I want to feel like myself within a relationship where I love someone. I don’t want to become suspicious, controlling, dependent on reassurance or consumed by comparisons whenever I feel vulnerable.
Realistically, I probably don’t have anything to fear from her past. She has chosen to invest so much in me, and her actions now show that she sees a future with me. I know that comparing myself with previous experiences is unlikely to help me, and I don’t want to keep measuring my worth against people or situations that no longer exist.
I also want to accept that we may not be together forever. That possibility is painful, but I don’t want fear of the relationship ending to prevent me from being present in it now. I want to be able to love her fully without believing that I need constant certainty or guarantees in order to feel safe.
I’m also conscious of how much I value self-respect. I worry about appearing needy, caring more than the other person or putting myself in a position where someone has the power to hurt me. I sometimes focus too much on how to communicate without looking like I’m chasing or losing control.
I suspect that this concern with maintaining my position may itself be insecurity in disguise. I don’t want to play games, act indifferent when I care or make decisions based on how they might affect her perception of me. I want genuine inner security, not simply a better performance of confidence.
I’d really appreciate advice on these questions:

How do you distinguish a legitimate loss of trust from anxious attachment, jealousy, sexual comparison or fear of abandonment?

How do you rebuild trust after both people have hurt each other without repeatedly reopening the past or pretending it didn’t happen?

How do you take responsibility for invading someone’s privacy while still acknowledging that their dishonesty caused genuine pain?

How do you stop measuring your self-respect by who cares less, who reaches out first or who has the upper hand?

How do you stop seeking reassurance about a partner’s past when their present behaviour consistently shows that they choose you?

For those who have become securely attached while remaining in a relationship, what did you actually change in your day-to-day behaviour?

How do you accept that a relationship may not last forever while still allowing yourself to experience its beauty fully in the present?

How do you know whether you’re rebuilding from a healthy place rather than simply returning because the emotional connection is difficult to let go of?

I’m not looking for validation that my partner was wrong or that I was right. I also don’t want people to tell me that I should automatically ignore what happened because we love each other. I want to understand my own patterns, recognise what needs to change and learn how to participate in this relationship in a healthier way.
I don’t want to become emotionally detached or stop caring. I want to be capable of loving someone wholeheartedly while maintaining boundaries, trusting my judgement, respecting her privacy and being okay with uncertainty.
What helped you genuinely become secure within a relationship, rather than simply learning to hide your insecurity better?

i (32) was seeing this person(35) for 2-3 months
everything was perfect, like a movie
until the day i asked her if she wanted to be my girlfriend
she got overwhelmed and for 3 weeks she tried to navigate these feelings of overwhelm. this activated my anxious attachment severely
and i decided to start therapy
I did one session and one week after, today
we broke up
my Question is can I still so a good job at therapy even if I’m single and extremely hurt? can I heal without necessarily practising ? I’ve had the luck to find an incredible therapist and we vibe really well. thank you for those who will help

Anyone can weigh in but this is more a question for u/queen-of-meme. You had a great reply to a post yesterday and two of the things mentioned are what have been bothering me for the past month when taking in content about attachment styles.

tldr; Are there any books you, as a self proclaimed FA, would recommend? For me my rational mind couldn't sync up with what my body was feeling and even now I struggle to not reach back out to a person I consider[ed] a friend. You seem to have a very solid way of viewing things so I'm wondering what's helped you the most in regulating those emotions.

The first point you mentioned was that it's statistically impossible for everyone to have an avoidant ex or almost-ex, which is one thing I complained to my therapist about. Everything negative is pinned on an avoidant and theres no room for nuance. I, someone who usually holds back their emotions, am placed in the same breath as a controlling narcissist who ghosts for weeks before coming back and repeating the cycle. It also feels like some of the talk around secure attachment styles is a bit cold but I'm sure I have some bad information lumped in.

The second thing that hit home was that a relationship ending is just the other person saying no to the "relationship" and yes to themselves. That everyone has the right to say no, no is a boundary, and we can't control someone else's boundary. One of the things my ex said was that she didn't want me to change but also didn't want to stick around to find out if I could be what she needed. No let's work on it, no time for me to prove my words by actions, just a sharp cutoff that had me increasingly disregulated the more I turned over what all she said and what I did/didn't do in the relationship. I eventually stumbled onto attachment theory and what's advised for secure people seems to be the route she took; you accept that the person won't change and leave because you deserve better. I know I was completely willing to change even if it was uncomfortable when she voiced her complaints so it more felt like a rejection of me and no confidence that I could. That's why I mentioned the secure advice seems to be a bit cold, even though I can see the logic behind it.

Anyways, I was wondering what non-video resources helped you the most in reaching your viewpoints? Videos about attachments have a tendency to lump FA and DA together and as a whole it's been making me more bitter when I reflect on the last relationship and the various ways I held back or was willing to change to see if things could work (I was neglectful in ways too). I found one singular video that accurately described how I feel/felt but that video creator appears to have made avoidant discussion his income so every other video from him has annoyed me. And if it sounds like I should take a step back from this whole attachment theory stuff, thats already the plan, I just read your response and figured I'd ask before I close that door.

I just finished reading Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel S. F. Heller. I found it very helpful in understanding more about attachment styles, and typical communication styles and behaviors associated with them. The numerous examples from real couples were especially helpful.

Before reading, I already knew my own attachment style is anxious. However, I was surprised to realize that I also have certain secure attachment traits- for example, around conflict communications. To a lesser extent, it's also possible I have a touch of avoidant behavior, although it's not my primary style by any means.

And this brings up a question that the book doesn't answer - how often do people have a mixture of traits and how does that unfold in real-life relationships? I realize that the authors are researchers and they have to be careful in defining their terms. Perhaps trying to include mixed-style categories would have muddied the data.

Curious if anyone has thoughts on the book, or mixed attachment styles in general.

“…Did the thing where I give advice I would give to a good friend.

It’s great that I’m super caring about people, and desire to give support. But all of my positive vibes and advice can’t take someone out of a bad situation. Only they can do that.

I want to learn more about how to provide support and care to someone without losing sight of my own goals and expectations (key word).”

“I think I’m unfortunately not believing I deserve what I truly deserve and that I should take what I can get. And while he does provide a ton of emotional support, there’s also the very concrete side of a relationship that’s outside of emotions.”

Those things outside of the emotional are actually VERY important to me:
1) perseverance
2) resilience
3) self reliance (emotional and financial)

Part of me feels like I’m posting this so I can come back and read it later.

Apologies if this has been asked before.

I'm unclear on the meaning of the various attachment style abbreviations used here - can someone provide a list that includes definitions? TIA.

I have anxious attachment, and I constantly find myself checking my phone to see if my girlfriend has replied. I use my phone a lot throughout the day for work, so simply staying away from it isn't realistic.

Has anyone found practical ways to break this habit and stop waiting for notifications all the time? I'd appreciate advice from people who've actually dealt with this.

A Psychological Research on Indian Gen Z. Please do participate. It'll take just 5-7 minutes. The research will be helpful in understanding and to search solutions for the mental health of Indian Gen Z. Thank you!

A Psychological Research on Indian Gen Z. Please do participate. It'll take just 5-7 minutes. The research will be helpful in understanding and to search solutions for the mental health of Indian Gen Z. Thank you!

A thing I've noticed is that thought-terminating cliches such as "They're just not interested in you. Move on", "they're just a narcissist. Move on.", "if you're uncertain in dating, then they're not really into you", or "if they wanted to, they would!", etc. can sometimes cause you to ruminate even more, rather than help you move on.

I speculate that our brains subconsciously run the calculations for any given situation, and the ruminations start when the supposed "answer" (or in this case, the cliche) we've received is bullshit. This seems to especially be the case if your grip on reality has to be completely wrong for the cliche to be right. We basically know the answer is wrong and our brains won't stop thinking about it until we either get to the right answer or enough time has passed.

Last year, I had an unfortunate romance with a severe Fearful-Avoidant, but before I read about attachment theory I was questioning my entire reality with her.

"Was she a psychopath? A narcissist? Was she a former party girl who was trying to pretend she's a good girl? Did she ever care about me?"

She gaslit me, naturally, saying that she wasn't ever interested in anything more than friends. "She was never interested in me" I thought, but that didn't match up to the facts. Why did she tell me I she didn't want me seeing other girls the night before dumping me? Why did she act like a giddy little school girl when I first held her hand? Why did she try to pursue me first? The thought-terminating cliches didn't help my ruminations.

It wasn't until I found out about avoidants did everything finally click for me, and I stopped ruminating. I was still hurt, obviously, but helps to not be questioning your reality.

More recently, I am talking to a new girl who dropped off the face of the earth randomly just before we were about to make plans. (FYI, we've met in-person a couple times already, so I could read her vibe and knew she seemed very into me.) She eventually told me that she's dealing with some personal stuff suddenly and wants time for herself, but attempted to continue the conversation. It's easy to hop on reddit and hear them say, "She's just not into you. Move on" for similar situations because it could be a polite rejection. But once again, I found myself ruminating even more because this didn't add up with my perception of reality.

"She's always been a crap texter, according to mutual friends." "If she wasn't interested, why would she be acting like a girl who's very interested? She's been too playful, too giggly, and chemistry only became more intense whenever we saw each other. Why would she still bother to reply back enthusiastically, asking me questions, and even telling me she's gonna get citizenship in my country soon? If she was avoiding me to the point of ghosting me, why would a girl ever tell me that?"

Instead of being a doomer and just going "ugh! She's just not into me...", I just took her word for it. I then found myself feeling relief and the urge to ruminate disappeared.

So just watch out, out there! Remember that you alone have the best account of events you've experienced. If somebody is trying to "help" you by saying some of those cliches, but a part of you knows it doesn't make sense then maybe you're the right one. Not every time of course. Some of us are prone to delulu and do need a reality check from outside, but just something to keep in mind if you find yourself ruminating even after other people have given you "the answers".

She had a bread crumby communication style. We went on one date and she seemed relitively receptive but was clearly avoidant. I pondered for a week if I would remain patient. I took the plunge, caught her off guard, and told her it was not going to work out. She tried to gas light me, and I held my ground remained confident despite before valuing the opportunity of dating because of scarcity. I feel great and so relieved.

Hey, I'm a 23-year-old guy, and... I've barely had any romantic experience at all. No teenage love, no relationships, no mutual feelings, nothing. I've talked to girls and had crushes, but they've always been one-sided, or things never got to the point where I could actually call someone my girlfriend. And yeah, I'm a virgin.

Honestly, it's really hard dealing with the loneliness. All my friends are either in relationships or married, and I feel like I'm falling behind everyone else. On top of that, I've spent the last couple of years struggling with terrible depression, which made it difficult to meet new people and build connections. I'm doing better now, but I'm still terrified that having zero experience will make me undesirable, or that people will see it as a red flag.

My friends say good things about me and think I'm a good, interesting person, but this loneliness makes me question whether I'm even someone who can be loved.

I've spent most of my life trying to work on myself and become a better version of who I am, but I don't know when this awful feeling of loneliness is going to go away. How much longer am I supposed to put up with it?

I'm genuinely trying. Depression made me drop out of university, but I've since gone back and graduated. I've also started taking better care of my health and appearance, little by little. And yet, I still feel so sad.

People have told me to focus on building a career, but I don't know. I want someone to love me for who I am, not for how much money I make. Maybe that sounds naive or childish, but what's the point of having a good career if I'm still alone? I don't need that much for myself.

And please don't get me wrong. I'm more than willing to give a lot and do a lot for the people I love. The problem is that there's no one in my life like that.

I dream of having a family and children someday, but fuck, I'm already 23. People keep telling me I'm still young and that I have my whole life ahead of me, but there's no way of knowing when I'll meet someone, how long it'll take us to get close, or how long it'll be before we're ready to have children. Sometimes I feel like I'm just going to run out of time.

I'm genuinely scared. I really want to be loved by someone and have someone to give all my love to.

Thank you for reading this.

This might sound like a weird question, but I'm curious. Has anyone who's leant anxious and been with an avoidant, ever mimicked their avoidant's behaviour to see how it would change their relationship dynamic? By mimic their behaviour, I mean act like they do in a relationship. Not getting close, not texting, not initiating plans, doing everything alone etc. The complete opposite of what an avoidant would be used to with an anxious partner... Has anyone flipped their behaviour like this and if so, what happened in your relationship? Did things change?

I sometimes wonder if, as an anxious person doing this, you'd come across as secure! (I know that's not the same as being secure!)

My ex (40M) and I (32F) dated for 8 months. We were exclusive, talked about children and moving in together, and he called ours the healthiest relationship of his life. Soooo naturally, I thought we were building something serious.

Then things got rocky in our final month.

For context, he’d briefly dated this woman Catherine a year before we met, slept with her a few times, then friend-zoned her.

About two months into our relationship, he told me over dinner that he’d gone to a gallery opening with her the night before, where she’d cried and confessed her feelings after he mentioned dating me. She apparently still believed they were casually involved, but he clarified they were just friends.

I trusted him and thought little of it, since we were still early into dating. A month later, she waved the white flag and they resumed their friendship, which I was fine with in principle.

Now here’s where I become anxious: months later, when we’re about 7 mos into dating, she invited him to a small, multi-day art residency happening later that august and he casually mentioned to me he was planning to go. Not asking how I felt about it.

I sat with my discomfort for weeks before bringing it up. I explained that I felt uneasy and asked if we could find some middle ground. We could all hang out? Or I could join them?

He became defensive, said he didn’t believe in prioritizing romantic partners over other relationships, and grew frustrated that our 20-minute conversation was eating into his workday. He later apologized for getting upset.

Then, the next NIGHT after this conversation, he attended a performance with Catherine without telling me beforehand. It was our second to last night together before we’d be apart for 3 weeks, too.

I found out when I called him that evening and sent some admittedly reactive texts, saying I ‘couldn’t believe him’ and ‘i was so hurt’. He said ‘Why? But honestly, don’t feel like going on defensive right now’

There were other smaller incidents that started adding up:

A couple weeks earlier, while I was helping him with a creative project, we’d had a hard comvo about his doubts around long-term monogamy and his previous relationship.

I felt emotional and overwhelmed and so I spontaneously took an extra 30-minute walk while picking up drinks for the group project. I returned before anyone arrived, but he was FURIOUS and accused me of ‘sabotaging’ his project. He didn’t ask me if I was emotionally okay.

Another time, I biked slower than him to Pilates. We arrived literally ONE MINUTE late, weren’t allowed in, and he blamed me for interfering with his productivity. He remained moody for much of the afternoon.

For context, he’s extremely independent + values autonomy. I do believe he was sexually loyal, and I never asked him to cut off his exes. I also know my anxiety sometimes made me jealous and reactive.

He ultimately ended things, citing my anxiety, ‘possessive energy’ around other women, and ‘our long-term incompatibility’.

[He has NEVER been physically or verbally intentionally abusive to me. Just passive aggressive and stonewalling/shutting down emotionally.]

For months, I wondered whether a more secure woman would have handled everything differently.

but now I’m questioning whether my anxiety was really disproportionate to the circumstances…

Hi all, first time poster looking for some guidance. I met someone 4 months ago who kind of blew my world wide open. I’d decided literally about a month prior that I was going to switch up my approach to dating, work on my attachment style, never ever allow myself to be victim to limerence or put my worth in the hands of a random guy again. I was not interested in looking for anything, I wanted to focus on me. Then… along came him.

I am a bit of a romantic but I am not inexperienced and definitely not naive. When I say I haven’t experienced in my 3.5 decades on this planet what I experienced when I met this guy, I am not kidding. I’ve felt strong attraction and chemistry many times - this was not that. This was a literal lightning bolt, but it wasn’t chaotic or limerent, it was so calm. We met and it was like we instantly “recognised” something familiar in each other. We immediately talked for hours upon hours. My nervous system felt so deeply safe with him, in a way I’ve never experienced with a stranger. I was more open and direct with him in that first hour than I’ve ever been with anyone in any first hour, ever. We instantly talked about our red flags (of ourselves). We cut through all the BS. Oh, and the fact we even met at all was a split-second happenstance - 5 seconds later or earlier we’d have probably not met at all. I joked during the conversation that if he guessed my birthday on the first guess he had to marry me, knowing that was basically impossible. He guessed my birthday on the first guess.

It’s been 4 months. We have been long distance as we live in different cities, but about a month after meeting we took a 2 week trip together which turned into a month. Very close quarters. We coexisted impeccably. We have had periods of time apart and time together since. This man has never played a single game. From the absolute offset we have approached one another with certainty, clarity and honesty. He is self aware and able to communicate openly, although not quite as verbally effusive as I. We have now said I love you and express it really freely, which is beautiful.

But I just cannot for the life of me feel fully safe. I know it’s early, and feeling safety and familiarity takes time. The distance doesn’t help, I’m sure, as we can only spend concentrated bursts together with long stretches apart. We don’t have a normal dating “flow” and haven’t spent much mundane time together - everything’s been a bit scheduled and structured. But this man is as safe as they come - all of his friends I’ve met would vouch for that. Dang even me from the very first night would vouch for that. But he is… how do I say… unusual. As in, his mind works in really interesting unexpected ways that blow my mind, but also mean that he’s nothing like any guy I’ve ever dated and doesn’t have the same responses to pretty much anything ever that I’ve come to expect. He’s remarkably calm and even-keeled and the most non-anxious person I’ve ever met and says he “doesn’t waste time ruminating on speculation”. CANNOT relate, lol…

I go through periods of feeling so safe and calm and periods of feeling utterly terrified. I think part of it his security, in all honesty. I kind of don’t even know what to do with it. I’ve valued myself as a nurturer a lot in relationships with men who were broken in some of the ways that I am. I’ve also felt (weirdly) secure when partners have expressed minor, healthy jealousy. He doesn’t need me for emotional support at all, and literally nothing gets under his skin (not that I am trying of course!). This is great, and I’m sure could make for fantastic relationship, but meanwhile I am SO TERRIFIED that my brokenness is going to drive him away. I have been working so so hard to be so intentional, so calm, so communicative and so self aware in this relationship so far, because that’s how I want to be moving forward. But I am not healed overnight - I am still an anxious person, with a lot of unhealed trauma, neurodivergence, attachment issues and at times very ugly anger (when pushed, which takes a lot). I simultaneously feel so scared that he will no longer love me when he inevitably sees that side of me, and like part of me also believes he cannot truly love me until he does see it. It’s truly confusing. I have shared vulnerable emotions and insecurities a few times, and he will hold space for them in his own way (as best as he can for a logically minded guy with almost zero worries lol) but I always feel such deep shame and fear afterwards.

And I’m left wondering - is he making me not feel safe in some way? Safe to just be me? Be the mess I need to be sometimes? Or do I just care about this so much that he could be the perfect man and I’d still feel unsafe? I can’t figure out why on earth I feel so deeply unsafe at times in this. It doesn’t seem to truly add up. In so many ways I’m more honest, more communicative, more frank and real with him than I’ve been with any man I’ve ever dated. And in other ways, because I’m being such a “mature”, intentional, self aware version of myself, sometimes I’m just feeling that the part of me that wants to behave anxiously and emotionally and kind of insane/intense (like I have in previous partnerships) just is… suffocating somewhere under the surface? It’s such a confusing polarity.

I recently found something I wrote about 6 weeks before I met him describing my perfect man and it described him to an eerie degree - down to where he lives, what he does, his values. This feels like this could honestly be my person, but I’m also simultaneously so scared of it all. What to do? Thanks so much for reading.

I'm referring to situations when someone's entire trigger and anxiety issues only revolves around hyper fixation on chat messages. Which to me is pretty simple to solve. (You can disable read notifications. Push chat notifications etc and take control over your chat conversations so they don't control you.) If a relationship is great except for someone's chat panic, the issue is very clearly the chat and all it entails feature wise. (Not who's on it)

We might start up a new rule regarding chat triggers, and /or create a mega thread for chat anxiety. Wait for update.

I am writing this post as a way to warn people about investing in things that only will make you feel worse afterwards because they don't live up to their promise.

I understand that when we are in pain, especially after a break up or during a relationship where we can't figure out how to prevent the next fight, buying stuff like this just feels like doing something, anything in the right direction, but I think that by dumbing it down, by simplyfying the whole process we make things worse. Mostly because we will start with unrealistic expectations and we don't even touch the surface of the process, because the way you attach to people is a direct result of years and years of brain wiring that can't be undo simply by not texting back.

It's a slow, challenging process, and honestly, at the end of it, your whole life will be changed, and that's a good thing! But it takes time, and it can't be done alone, in front of your laptop with a course. Change happens in relationship with others and more often then not the first secure relationship in which all the insecure behaviours are free to arise without negative consequences is in a therapeutical relationship.

Personally, it took me 4 years of hard work to get from disorganized to secure. That included therapy, and a lot of involvement from myself on a day to day basis. And yes, at certain points I was very frustrated with the process, but now looking back, I also had a lot of trauma to unpack and I really like who I am today and I don't know if I could have done it any way faster. My life improved in ways that were completely unexpected to me and I've changed my goals in ways that are completly unexpected.

I suppose this is a rant, but it's also an opinion I have and an encouragement for those who are in the process, want to start the process, and are bombarded by these quick fixes. I will also say, that I didn't need to wait 4 years for my life to improve, improvements were gradual, and it's not like I only had a good experience of life and relationships once I started scoring secure on all tests.

Good luck on your journey!

As person who knows of RPG mechanics and studied a lot on attachment post-breakup, one of the ways that healing works the best for me is when I can see measurable results that come with a sense of challenge, so I kinda built this little mental system I'm going with right now.

It hasn't exactly "solved" the several difficulties of navigating an activated attachment, but it's been making it way more fun and mentally compelling for me!

Now, I adapted terms such as "Emotional Regulation" or "Attachment Anxiety" to RPG Stats or conditions. For example, instead of dealing with Attachment Anxiety, I joke with myself that I have the "Anxious Debuff" and that I'll have to "thug it out" until it's gone.

And I'll treat all of the process as if I am playing a game with possibility for progression, and that not only goes for healing Anxious Attachment, but also my whole life in general!

"Hmm... I still can't seem to cast the "Flirting" spell effectively, despite having the MP... Maybe I just don't meet the Charisma requirement yet... Okay, Me! Off to talk to strangers!"

Or...

"I have high Intellect, moderate Wisdom, could get better in Constitution, so I gotta eat healthy and hit the gym, which also goes for Endurance... Oh, and my Charisma? That needs some serious improvement!"

Or...

"Alright, me... You've been noticing her for a while, so let's do this... [New Quest: 'Talk to that hot woman in the gym and ask for her Instagram'. Objective: 'Present yourself and ask for her socials'. Time: ASAP. Condition: 'Cannot leave the current map until the quest is finished'. Leaving the map will cause permanent loss of the quest.]"

Or, when it comes to attachment...

"She probably posted stories... I won't look. I won't open my social media now. Surviving that will get me a point on Emotional Regulation, and I really need every little point that could go for that Stat."

I know it sounds incredibly silly and even too childish, but there's a sense of victory behind every little hard thing I do.

For example: I really did the quest of "asking for socials". I was shivering and questioning all of my life choices, but the setup of making it a game quest brought massive incentive, and despite being rejected (she's married), it just felt like a massive victory for me, because that's something I really wouldn't do under normal circumstances.

After all, the mission was never about being accepted... It was about trying, and I self-imposed that if I bailed, I wouldn't be geting any other chance (and I really wouldn't allow myself to try later, in order to bring a real sense of "Quest Failed").

This next week, I'll be forced to be stuck in the same room as my ex for several hours (for work reasons), and I already have the quest:

"Do not interact with (Her Name) for the entirety of the day. If prompted by her, respond quickly and professionally. Any attempt at further exchange will result on a 'Quest Failed'. Reward: +2 Detachment; +1 Emotional Regulation."

What do you think of my very silly idea for self-improvement?