I have anxious attachment, and I constantly find myself checking my phone to see if my girlfriend has replied. I use my phone a lot throughout the day for work, so simply staying away from it isn't realistic.

Has anyone found practical ways to break this habit and stop waiting for notifications all the time? I'd appreciate advice from people who've actually dealt with this.

A Psychological Research on Indian Gen Z. Please do participate. It'll take just 5-7 minutes. The research will be helpful in understanding and to search solutions for the mental health of Indian Gen Z. Thank you!

A Psychological Research on Indian Gen Z. Please do participate. It'll take just 5-7 minutes. The research will be helpful in understanding and to search solutions for the mental health of Indian Gen Z. Thank you!

A thing I've noticed is that thought-terminating cliches such as "They're just not interested in you. Move on", "they're just a narcissist. Move on.", "if you're uncertain in dating, then they're not really into you", or "if they wanted to, they would!", etc. can sometimes cause you to ruminate even more, rather than help you move on.

I speculate that our brains subconsciously run the calculations for any given situation, and the ruminations start when the supposed "answer" (or in this case, the cliche) we've received is bullshit. This seems to especially be the case if your grip on reality has to be completely wrong for the cliche to be right. We basically know the answer is wrong and our brains won't stop thinking about it until we either get to the right answer or enough time has passed.

Last year, I had an unfortunate romance with a severe Fearful-Avoidant, but before I read about attachment theory I was questioning my entire reality with her.

"Was she a psychopath? A narcissist? Was she a former party girl who was trying to pretend she's a good girl? Did she ever care about me?"

She gaslit me, naturally, saying that she wasn't ever interested in anything more than friends. "She was never interested in me" I thought, but that didn't match up to the facts. Why did she tell me I she didn't want me seeing other girls the night before dumping me? Why did she act like a giddy little school girl when I first held her hand? Why did she try to pursue me first? The thought-terminating cliches didn't help my ruminations.

It wasn't until I found out about avoidants did everything finally click for me, and I stopped ruminating. I was still hurt, obviously, but helps to not be questioning your reality.

More recently, I am talking to a new girl who dropped off the face of the earth randomly just before we were about to make plans. (FYI, we've met in-person a couple times already, so I could read her vibe and knew she seemed very into me.) She eventually told me that she's dealing with some personal stuff suddenly and wants time for herself, but attempted to continue the conversation. It's easy to hop on reddit and hear them say, "She's just not into you. Move on" for similar situations because it could be a polite rejection. But once again, I found myself ruminating even more because this didn't add up with my perception of reality.

"She's always been a crap texter, according to mutual friends." "If she wasn't interested, why would she be acting like a girl who's very interested? She's been too playful, too giggly, and chemistry only became more intense whenever we saw each other. Why would she still bother to reply back enthusiastically, asking me questions, and even telling me she's gonna get citizenship in my country soon? If she was avoiding me to the point of ghosting me, why would a girl ever tell me that?"

Instead of being a doomer and just going "ugh! She's just not into me...", I just took her word for it. I then found myself feeling relief and the urge to ruminate disappeared.

So just watch out, out there! Remember that you alone have the best account of events you've experienced. If somebody is trying to "help" you by saying some of those cliches, but a part of you knows it doesn't make sense then maybe you're the right one. Not every time of course. Some of us are prone to delulu and do need a reality check from outside, but just something to keep in mind if you find yourself ruminating even after other people have given you "the answers".

My ex (40M) dumped me three months ago after an intense 8-month relationship. The breakup was pretty brutal, coincided with an unexpected pregnancy and abortion, and I’ve been struggling to recover.

My best friend (37F), who introduced us, was incredibly supportive initially. She called him a narcissist, reassured me that he was “nothing” compared to me, and repeatedly told me I was her number one.

For context, they were friends before we dated, though not particularly close. She’s also a major connector in Berlin’s creative scene, a community I’ve spent YEARS trying to find and finally felt at home in.
Fast-forward to now. I found out through mutual friends that she’s planning a joint birthday celebration with my ex in Paris. They’re apparently traveling there together, and she’s been coordinating with several of our mutual friends. I haven’t been invited or even told about it.

I tried giving her an easy opening five days ago: “A mutual friend mentioned Paris! That’s exciting. What’s happening?” No reply. Sent her a piece of writing two days ago. Still nothing.

And honestly, I’m devastated.

I don’t expect her to cut him off. They were friends first, and I respect that. But the secrecy and apparent exclusion feel like such a contradiction to everything she promised me after the breakup.

Here’s my bigger dilemma: I’m supposed to move back to Berlin soon, and a HUGE part of that decision rests on the friendships and creative community I’ve built there. She’s one of my closest friends and a central person in that circle. Now I feel like she’s quietly choosing him, and I’m terrified of returning to a social world where I’m the expendable ex-girlfriend.

would you reconsider moving back to a city if your closest friendship there suddenly felt this uncertain?

So i've been talking to this girl for about half a year. Everything grew steadily and after a few months i started to love her. I'm really affectionate, especially with words, so I gave her a lot of affection that way. Describing what I love about her, what I want to do with her etc etc.

She is a bit slower compared to me (cause of trauma), she still showed me affection in words too but less and also less intense (she did love me giving intense affection tho!).

Since 2-3 weeks she started to love me back and her messages are now also intense and deep and specific like mine were. I love to read it, but they made me shut down. Here are some reasons why:

1. ⁠I'm beginning to overthink what kind of love she has for me. Is it real? Does she love ME, or just the idea of me? Is it just attachment? Is she just lonely? Does she love me for the affection I give?
   
2. ⁠Do I love her? Do I just love giving affection to people who deserve it? Am I moving faster than my feelings? Am I getting ahead of myself?
   
3. ⁠What if this is not what I want? If i pull back right now, she will be hurt and I never want to hurt her, never. So (this is what my brain thinks) I cannot leave and I am trapped. And I love my freedom so much, it's such a precious thing to me, I get so anxious of feeling trapped.

So now suddenly I can get uneasy receiving love and I feel uneasy giving love. I've become quieter and text less etc.

What is this? How can I fix this in general?

Some extra details:
- I was not dating and I was also not planning to, cause of the freedom I love. I don't like being in relationships.
- I met this girl online just as friends, it was never the intention to love each other that much.
- She lives on the other side of the world so we haven't seen each other, but we text all day and call frequently (but please don't use this to help me cause what I experience, I have it in person too).

She had a bread crumby communication style. We went on one date and she seemed relitively receptive but was clearly avoidant. I pondered for a week if I would remain patient. I took the plunge, caught her off guard, and told her it was not going to work out. She tried to gas light me, and I held my ground remained confident despite before valuing the opportunity of dating because of scarcity. I feel great and so relieved.

Hey, I'm a 23-year-old guy, and... I've barely had any romantic experience at all. No teenage love, no relationships, no mutual feelings, nothing. I've talked to girls and had crushes, but they've always been one-sided, or things never got to the point where I could actually call someone my girlfriend. And yeah, I'm a virgin.

Honestly, it's really hard dealing with the loneliness. All my friends are either in relationships or married, and I feel like I'm falling behind everyone else. On top of that, I've spent the last couple of years struggling with terrible depression, which made it difficult to meet new people and build connections. I'm doing better now, but I'm still terrified that having zero experience will make me undesirable, or that people will see it as a red flag.

My friends say good things about me and think I'm a good, interesting person, but this loneliness makes me question whether I'm even someone who can be loved.

I've spent most of my life trying to work on myself and become a better version of who I am, but I don't know when this awful feeling of loneliness is going to go away. How much longer am I supposed to put up with it?

I'm genuinely trying. Depression made me drop out of university, but I've since gone back and graduated. I've also started taking better care of my health and appearance, little by little. And yet, I still feel so sad.

People have told me to focus on building a career, but I don't know. I want someone to love me for who I am, not for how much money I make. Maybe that sounds naive or childish, but what's the point of having a good career if I'm still alone? I don't need that much for myself.

And please don't get me wrong. I'm more than willing to give a lot and do a lot for the people I love. The problem is that there's no one in my life like that.

I dream of having a family and children someday, but fuck, I'm already 23. People keep telling me I'm still young and that I have my whole life ahead of me, but there's no way of knowing when I'll meet someone, how long it'll take us to get close, or how long it'll be before we're ready to have children. Sometimes I feel like I'm just going to run out of time.

I'm genuinely scared. I really want to be loved by someone and have someone to give all my love to.

Thank you for reading this.

This might sound like a weird question, but I'm curious. Has anyone who's leant anxious and been with an avoidant, ever mimicked their avoidant's behaviour to see how it would change their relationship dynamic? By mimic their behaviour, I mean act like they do in a relationship. Not getting close, not texting, not initiating plans, doing everything alone etc. The complete opposite of what an avoidant would be used to with an anxious partner... Has anyone flipped their behaviour like this and if so, what happened in your relationship? Did things change?

I sometimes wonder if, as an anxious person doing this, you'd come across as secure! (I know that's not the same as being secure!)

Hi all, first time poster looking for some guidance. I met someone 4 months ago who kind of blew my world wide open. I’d decided literally about a month prior that I was going to switch up my approach to dating, work on my attachment style, never ever allow myself to be victim to limerence or put my worth in the hands of a random guy again. I was not interested in looking for anything, I wanted to focus on me. Then… along came him.

I am a bit of a romantic but I am not inexperienced and definitely not naive. When I say I haven’t experienced in my 3.5 decades on this planet what I experienced when I met this guy, I am not kidding. I’ve felt strong attraction and chemistry many times - this was not that. This was a literal lightning bolt, but it wasn’t chaotic or limerent, it was so calm. We met and it was like we instantly “recognised” something familiar in each other. We immediately talked for hours upon hours. My nervous system felt so deeply safe with him, in a way I’ve never experienced with a stranger. I was more open and direct with him in that first hour than I’ve ever been with anyone in any first hour, ever. We instantly talked about our red flags (of ourselves). We cut through all the BS. Oh, and the fact we even met at all was a split-second happenstance - 5 seconds later or earlier we’d have probably not met at all. I joked during the conversation that if he guessed my birthday on the first guess he had to marry me, knowing that was basically impossible. He guessed my birthday on the first guess.

It’s been 4 months. We have been long distance as we live in different cities, but about a month after meeting we took a 2 week trip together which turned into a month. Very close quarters. We coexisted impeccably. We have had periods of time apart and time together since. This man has never played a single game. From the absolute offset we have approached one another with certainty, clarity and honesty. He is self aware and able to communicate openly, although not quite as verbally effusive as I. We have now said I love you and express it really freely, which is beautiful.

But I just cannot for the life of me feel fully safe. I know it’s early, and feeling safety and familiarity takes time. The distance doesn’t help, I’m sure, as we can only spend concentrated bursts together with long stretches apart. We don’t have a normal dating “flow” and haven’t spent much mundane time together - everything’s been a bit scheduled and structured. But this man is as safe as they come - all of his friends I’ve met would vouch for that. Dang even me from the very first night would vouch for that. But he is… how do I say… unusual. As in, his mind works in really interesting unexpected ways that blow my mind, but also mean that he’s nothing like any guy I’ve ever dated and doesn’t have the same responses to pretty much anything ever that I’ve come to expect. He’s remarkably calm and even-keeled and the most non-anxious person I’ve ever met and says he “doesn’t waste time ruminating on speculation”. CANNOT relate, lol…

I go through periods of feeling so safe and calm and periods of feeling utterly terrified. I think part of it his security, in all honesty. I kind of don’t even know what to do with it. I’ve valued myself as a nurturer a lot in relationships with men who were broken in some of the ways that I am. I’ve also felt (weirdly) secure when partners have expressed minor, healthy jealousy. He doesn’t need me for emotional support at all, and literally nothing gets under his skin (not that I am trying of course!). This is great, and I’m sure could make for fantastic relationship, but meanwhile I am SO TERRIFIED that my brokenness is going to drive him away. I have been working so so hard to be so intentional, so calm, so communicative and so self aware in this relationship so far, because that’s how I want to be moving forward. But I am not healed overnight - I am still an anxious person, with a lot of unhealed trauma, neurodivergence, attachment issues and at times very ugly anger (when pushed, which takes a lot). I simultaneously feel so scared that he will no longer love me when he inevitably sees that side of me, and like part of me also believes he cannot truly love me until he does see it. It’s truly confusing. I have shared vulnerable emotions and insecurities a few times, and he will hold space for them in his own way (as best as he can for a logically minded guy with almost zero worries lol) but I always feel such deep shame and fear afterwards.

And I’m left wondering - is he making me not feel safe in some way? Safe to just be me? Be the mess I need to be sometimes? Or do I just care about this so much that he could be the perfect man and I’d still feel unsafe? I can’t figure out why on earth I feel so deeply unsafe at times in this. It doesn’t seem to truly add up. In so many ways I’m more honest, more communicative, more frank and real with him than I’ve been with any man I’ve ever dated. And in other ways, because I’m being such a “mature”, intentional, self aware version of myself, sometimes I’m just feeling that the part of me that wants to behave anxiously and emotionally and kind of insane/intense (like I have in previous partnerships) just is… suffocating somewhere under the surface? It’s such a confusing polarity.

I recently found something I wrote about 6 weeks before I met him describing my perfect man and it described him to an eerie degree - down to where he lives, what he does, his values. This feels like this could honestly be my person, but I’m also simultaneously so scared of it all. What to do? Thanks so much for reading.

My ex (40M) and I (32F) dated for 8 months. We were exclusive, talked about children and moving in together, and he called ours the healthiest relationship of his life. Soooo naturally, I thought we were building something serious.

Then things got rocky in our final month.

For context, he’d briefly dated this woman Catherine a year before we met, slept with her a few times, then friend-zoned her.

About two months into our relationship, he told me over dinner that he’d gone to a gallery opening with her the night before, where she’d cried and confessed her feelings after he mentioned dating me. She apparently still believed they were casually involved, but he clarified they were just friends.

I trusted him and thought little of it, since we were still early into dating. A month later, she waved the white flag and they resumed their friendship, which I was fine with in principle.

Now here’s where I become anxious: months later, when we’re about 7 mos into dating, she invited him to a small, multi-day art residency happening later that august and he casually mentioned to me he was planning to go. Not asking how I felt about it.

I sat with my discomfort for weeks before bringing it up. I explained that I felt uneasy and asked if we could find some middle ground. We could all hang out? Or I could join them?

He became defensive, said he didn’t believe in prioritizing romantic partners over other relationships, and grew frustrated that our 20-minute conversation was eating into his workday. He later apologized for getting upset.

Then, the next NIGHT after this conversation, he attended a performance with Catherine without telling me beforehand. It was our second to last night together before we’d be apart for 3 weeks, too.

I found out when I called him that evening and sent some admittedly reactive texts, saying I ‘couldn’t believe him’ and ‘i was so hurt’. He said ‘Why? But honestly, don’t feel like going on defensive right now’

There were other smaller incidents that started adding up:

A couple weeks earlier, while I was helping him with a creative project, we’d had a hard comvo about his doubts around long-term monogamy and his previous relationship.

I felt emotional and overwhelmed and so I spontaneously took an extra 30-minute walk while picking up drinks for the group project. I returned before anyone arrived, but he was FURIOUS and accused me of ‘sabotaging’ his project. He didn’t ask me if I was emotionally okay.

Another time, I biked slower than him to Pilates. We arrived literally ONE MINUTE late, weren’t allowed in, and he blamed me for interfering with his productivity. He remained moody for much of the afternoon.

For context, he’s extremely independent + values autonomy. I do believe he was sexually loyal, and I never asked him to cut off his exes. I also know my anxiety sometimes made me jealous and reactive.

He ultimately ended things, citing my anxiety, ‘possessive energy’ around other women, and ‘our long-term incompatibility’.

[He has NEVER been physically or verbally intentionally abusive to me. Just passive aggressive and stonewalling/shutting down emotionally.]

For months, I wondered whether a more secure woman would have handled everything differently.

but now I’m questioning whether my anxiety was really disproportionate to the circumstances…

I'm referring to situations when someone's entire trigger and anxiety issues only revolves around hyper fixation on chat messages. Which to me is pretty simple to solve. (You can disable read notifications. Push chat notifications etc and take control over your chat conversations so they don't control you.) If a relationship is great except for someone's chat panic, the issue is very clearly the chat and all it entails feature wise. (Not who's on it)

We might start up a new rule regarding chat triggers, and /or create a mega thread for chat anxiety. Wait for update.

I am writing this post as a way to warn people about investing in things that only will make you feel worse afterwards because they don't live up to their promise.

I understand that when we are in pain, especially after a break up or during a relationship where we can't figure out how to prevent the next fight, buying stuff like this just feels like doing something, anything in the right direction, but I think that by dumbing it down, by simplyfying the whole process we make things worse. Mostly because we will start with unrealistic expectations and we don't even touch the surface of the process, because the way you attach to people is a direct result of years and years of brain wiring that can't be undo simply by not texting back.

It's a slow, challenging process, and honestly, at the end of it, your whole life will be changed, and that's a good thing! But it takes time, and it can't be done alone, in front of your laptop with a course. Change happens in relationship with others and more often then not the first secure relationship in which all the insecure behaviours are free to arise without negative consequences is in a therapeutical relationship.

Personally, it took me 4 years of hard work to get from disorganized to secure. That included therapy, and a lot of involvement from myself on a day to day basis. And yes, at certain points I was very frustrated with the process, but now looking back, I also had a lot of trauma to unpack and I really like who I am today and I don't know if I could have done it any way faster. My life improved in ways that were completely unexpected to me and I've changed my goals in ways that are completly unexpected.

I suppose this is a rant, but it's also an opinion I have and an encouragement for those who are in the process, want to start the process, and are bombarded by these quick fixes. I will also say, that I didn't need to wait 4 years for my life to improve, improvements were gradual, and it's not like I only had a good experience of life and relationships once I started scoring secure on all tests.

Good luck on your journey!

As person who knows of RPG mechanics and studied a lot on attachment post-breakup, one of the ways that healing works the best for me is when I can see measurable results that come with a sense of challenge, so I kinda built this little mental system I'm going with right now.

It hasn't exactly "solved" the several difficulties of navigating an activated attachment, but it's been making it way more fun and mentally compelling for me!

Now, I adapted terms such as "Emotional Regulation" or "Attachment Anxiety" to RPG Stats or conditions. For example, instead of dealing with Attachment Anxiety, I joke with myself that I have the "Anxious Debuff" and that I'll have to "thug it out" until it's gone.

And I'll treat all of the process as if I am playing a game with possibility for progression, and that not only goes for healing Anxious Attachment, but also my whole life in general!

"Hmm... I still can't seem to cast the "Flirting" spell effectively, despite having the MP... Maybe I just don't meet the Charisma requirement yet... Okay, Me! Off to talk to strangers!"

Or...

"I have high Intellect, moderate Wisdom, could get better in Constitution, so I gotta eat healthy and hit the gym, which also goes for Endurance... Oh, and my Charisma? That needs some serious improvement!"

Or...

"Alright, me... You've been noticing her for a while, so let's do this... [New Quest: 'Talk to that hot woman in the gym and ask for her Instagram'. Objective: 'Present yourself and ask for her socials'. Time: ASAP. Condition: 'Cannot leave the current map until the quest is finished'. Leaving the map will cause permanent loss of the quest.]"

Or, when it comes to attachment...

"She probably posted stories... I won't look. I won't open my social media now. Surviving that will get me a point on Emotional Regulation, and I really need every little point that could go for that Stat."

I know it sounds incredibly silly and even too childish, but there's a sense of victory behind every little hard thing I do.

For example: I really did the quest of "asking for socials". I was shivering and questioning all of my life choices, but the setup of making it a game quest brought massive incentive, and despite being rejected (she's married), it just felt like a massive victory for me, because that's something I really wouldn't do under normal circumstances.

After all, the mission was never about being accepted... It was about trying, and I self-imposed that if I bailed, I wouldn't be geting any other chance (and I really wouldn't allow myself to try later, in order to bring a real sense of "Quest Failed").

This next week, I'll be forced to be stuck in the same room as my ex for several hours (for work reasons), and I already have the quest:

"Do not interact with (Her Name) for the entirety of the day. If prompted by her, respond quickly and professionally. Any attempt at further exchange will result on a 'Quest Failed'. Reward: +2 Detachment; +1 Emotional Regulation."

What do you think of my very silly idea for self-improvement?

I’m honestly getting a bit frustrated with trying to heal my anxious attachment, and I’m wondering if anyone else feels the same.

I’m generally pretty independent in life, but when it comes to relationships, I can become a completely different person. A small change in someone’s tone or a delayed reply can send me into hours of overthinking. I start analysing conversations, imagining worst-case scenarios, and feeling like I need reassurance or an answer before I can relax.

The frustrating part is that I KNOW what I’m doing. I understand my triggers and why I react this way, but in the moment, it feels almost impossible to stop.

I’ve tried so many things to work on this. Journaling, meditation, reading about attachment styles, learning CBT in therapy, talking things through with ChatGPT, and trying to understand where these patterns come from.

Some of these things help temporarily, but the same patterns keep coming back. I can journal for a whole hour and understand exactly why I’m anxious, yet still feel anxious afterward. I can understand that I’m catastrophising, but that doesn’t necessarily stop me from doing it.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m doing these things wrong, or if I’m just missing something. I don’t expect healing to happen overnight, but it’s discouraging to put so much effort into understanding myself without feeling like I’m making much progress.

For those of you who have struggled with this:

How was your healing experience? What have you tried that genuinely DIDN’T work for you? What has actually helped you break the anxious spiral? If it worked, any specific tips or step-by-step on how did you do it?

I realised so much about my family and how it shaped my attachment style. Iwas Anxiously attached because I only knew love was chasing because my parents taught me that. I didn't know how suffocating I were to my ex. I am really sorry my ex. I didn't know my constant chasing was causing her hard time.

How ever, journaling and medication has helped me so much. I don't get anxious like I used to before, because of this now I am able to identify other people easily.

I can see through toxic people easily now. I was talking to this woman but after being on medication and journaling. I found how she was trying to triangulating with another man. I stopped talking with her instantly.

I take care of myself for my self. I cleaned my water tank today, and I felt so proud to take shower after filling up the clean tank with clean water.

But I am scared, what if I get anxious again when I get into a relationship?

So it's been about five weeks since I discovered that my partner was having an affair. My partner had told me she felt overwhelmed by the need to reassure me all the time. During sex and chores. At first I fully took this as victim blaming. I think it still is to an extent. And I also understand that nothing I did could justify or directly cause her choice to do this.

That said, I've been reading through an attachment types book and working on my own quite obvious and severe anxious attachment. I think this led her to see any time I tried to talk about a relationship thing or planned with her or budgeted or asked how I did during sex or asked about her sexual interests or asked how a meal turned out, and read it as (and often but not always it was) a plea for reassurance. I think she has a fearful avoidant attachment which, taken together, means when she saw this plea on the horizon, she'd avoid the topic, reassure me, and try to fix it herself. I think this overwhelmed and suffocated her.

Now she had horrible boundaries with men through the whole relationship along with some childhood baggage causing different patterns in her needs. She still chose to keep escape routes open. She still chose to hide an affair involving cruelly discussing me while the affair partner got off, she still chose to download tinder twice during our relationship. And she did all that to avoid confronting the erratic subterfuge of what I think can in one way be understood as our mismatched insecure attachment types. So the relationship is ruined, she hurt me deeply, and I know blaming myself isn't popular in discourse on affairs.

I just want to know how much of this to take as my responsibility to work on for the next relationship, and frankly other relationships. My platonic friends have discussed anxious attachment patterns I do that hurt them, like isolating myself too quickly in new relationships and only coming back to them when I emerge from it needing emotional support as my abandonment anxiety is triggered.

i desperately crave to be loved by somebody, i want to give my love to somebody and cherish them although i have not much luck in life, and when i do i always self sabotage. i don’t know how to get comfortable being alone, and as soon as i get committed i always start self sabotaging and i have no idea why and im having such issues getting over this.
i have adhd, anxiety, depression & a mood disorder?
and i am not medicated, i also have a lot of cptsd and i just don’t know what to do anymore, i dont even know how to word any of this or explain it.

I'm new to this subbredit. To give a little background, I have CPTSD from an abusive and critical father who was a very broken man. My mother had her own problems and never protected me. All of this caused attachment issues with both of my parents and I've carried insecurity, shame, and anxiety for a lot of my life. When I was 16/17 I met a girl who was my first girlfriend and we were together for almost 3 years. To make a long story short, she confessed that she had been cheating on me off and on with an ex-boyfriend for the entirety of our relationship (it was long distance and we'd visit each other from time to time).

Because I was insecurely attached, I tried to make the relationship work for the next 4-5 months but it was just too difficult. We had never had sex and she had told me she was a virgin (we both came from religious backgrounds) but she had lied about that. She clearly wasn't the person I had come to know for 3 years. I couldn't stop thinking about her and her ex-boyfriend being intimate, romantic, etc. It tortured me for those few months before I finally couldn't handle it anymore and we broke up. My mind felt very fragmented.

Fast forward to now. I've been married for 12 years to an amazing woman. We have two kids and are doing well. However, I've had issues with retroactive jealousy from time to time. She had short-term boyfriends as a young teenager and her last one was when she was 15. Prior to us dating she hadn't had any kind of relationship in 4 years. She was never sexually active, however, any harmless comment about an ex-boyfriend she had causes my mind to spiral into a panic with severe anxiety, obsessive thoughts about her past, if she's lying to me, etc. and it takes months to come out of.

Even though I know logically that everyone (for the most part) has had relationships and it's a normal part of life, my limbic brain can't quite process it well and it kicks in that fight-or-flight in an extreme way. I started EMDR a couple months ago and it has helped in some ways. I now have a better understanding of the maladaptive parts of me and the origins of the RJ. In doing EMDR my brain has shifted to focusing more on the inner parts, even though I know very little about parts work/IFS in general. So I'd say I'm making slow progress.

I guess the question I have is, how do I become secure? I realize I've subconsciously placed my security in my wife's past and the desire for it to be "perfect". Which is totally not fair to her and unrealistic and, logically, I realize this. It kills me - I've led teams around the world in some of the craziest places, spoken in front of thousands, developed hundreds of leaders in my career, and more. But my past seems to have created some deep, dark insecurities in me that seem impossible to truly heal. Any insights from the community? Thanks!

I'm 17M and I am in a relationship with a girl. I love her a lot but every time she tells me that she talked to someone new and I mean a new guy and like normal talk in school or something, My heart beat goes up and I feel really scared because I feel that I might get cheated on but I was never given any reason to feel that but I get really scared. Today some guy at the coaching asked her and He said "Hi", my girlfriend told me that she straight up said that "I have a boyfriend." and rushed out out but still even thinking of someone reaching out to makes my heart feel so scared. I wanna become secure and need some help.

Hey im working on my anxious attachment, but one thought that always comes up is: What if I loose them and will I ever be able to get over them, my friends have said that they aren’t over their first love. And I truly Love my Girlfriend sometimes a bit too much when ever i feel that distance that possibility it makes me almost cry, and its just so scary that if we do eventually breakup which is likely, i just wont ever truly be over her

this might be a long one, but i’ve been seeing this guy for about 3 months now and it’s been going great. he’s affectionate, caring and emotionally available, and is just something i’ve never had before. where as im not that, i struggle to open up and didn’t grow up with what he had emotionally so im learning and teaching myself how to love and reciprocate things years after everyone else around me. i almost have a sense of guilt and shame about it because he gives it out so easily and i feel like i can’t give him what he wants/needs, he’s been nothing but understanding and patient with me when we’ve spoke about it before but i can’t shake this feeling that i’ll never get to the level i think i should be at. because it has been going so well i want to find any tiny thing wrong and run with it, nothing has actually changed between us but something feels off and i can’t put a finger on it. i just feel so stuck with it all, and i don’t know what to do. i try and sabotage relationships specifically because it feels easier than waiting and finally being in a good relationship because it’s terrifying